Tag Archives: father

1938. Compatibility Axioms #241-250

241. People don’t mistreat those they respect. A long courtship enables a woman to both earn a man’s respect and qualify him as having had a good upbringing and as having developed the potential for treating his woman well. [108]
242. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. It empowers them to become relationship experts, which enables them to successfully swap interests with a man for marriage. Men have neither such expertise nor interest. [110]
243. Men are driven to compete with Nature, against other men, and to control and shape human events. Their sex drive is but a subset because women can more easily tame it before marriage than reduce their drive to compete with him after marriage. [110]
244. Men won’t and don’t compete with their wives in the major processes of life such as key decisions. Two reasons: They abhor being told how to live and fear losing to their woman as it diminishes their sense of significance. [110]
245. A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. She seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To help her fulfill these needs, a man expects rewards for husbanding and fathering. As the relationship expert, she has to develop the swap to mutual satisfaction.  [110]
246. A man absolutely needs only one thing. A place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’. If his wife isn’t inclined to maintain at least a hut for him, someone else will. [110]
247. Women do not absolutely need a man, but they want company. A woman’s primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her, so one man best fulfills her primal want. [110]
248. A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses, especially to make himself stand out as a competitor, his own man, a man of significance. He views his home—hut or palace—as a place of recovery and not a place to be called to account. [110]
249. A woman’s time-focus emerges from her primal need to brighten her future. Most of her present-day concerns were handled as part of yesterday’s future. She dreams a lot about enhancing and making her relationship more solid and it works best when she supports her man’s focus on present-day matters. [110]
250. A man’s time-focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete, which makes it imperative that he focus on today and its problems. He knows full well he can handle tomorrow’s problems when they arrive. Where women dream about the future, his primary concern for the future revolves around what he can do today to prepare for tomorrow. [110]

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1932. Compatibility Axioms #221-230

221. As the expert, she either drives the relationship bus or pitches herself under it.
222. Women wrongly expect their man’s words to program his heart. Not true. His actions program his heart. His words are a reflection of and as reliable as his character.
223. To her, his lack of words speaks more loudly than his actions. Quite the opposite of his view. [106]
224. She appreciates his providing/protecting actions, but she appreciates his words more and especially if they are complimentary, affectionate, and appreciative. That’s her primary reason for being with him, to receive such words as confirmation that their future together remains on track. [106]
225. Of course, it’s not fair. Women that seek equality dealing with men will likely spend a lot of time recycling as an ex. (It’s Nature and modern values are at odds.) [107]
226. She must respect him above all else for who and what he is and does. Each incident of nagging, fault-finding, and indifference works against it. [107]
227. She must be grateful for who and what he is and does. Affection and love do not register with him as her gratitude. [107]
228. His ego and sense of significance are the same. Demeaning his ego discredits his significance. It’s his greatest fear, especially insignificance in his woman’s eyes. [107]
229. A man expects to succeed at husbanding and fathering. Her actions that apparently recognize his success provide enough reward. Her confirming words are not nearly as effective. [107]
230. Rewards for her are fewer than she expects in the short-term. Her major rewards come over the long haul as her indispensability for home and family matures. [107]


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1743. Hope, Respect, and Trust — Part II

Mothers, fathers, and other leaders commit one particular flagrant violation that disrupts the process of generating reciprocal respect and mutual influence.

They see a child or employee do something wrong. Instead of focusing on the undesirability of the results, they focus on the offender. Parents often yell and other leaders pointedly say or imply, “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?” They ask or imply, “How could you have been so stupid, dumb, or careless?” Such reactions are common, right? Say, Yes.

Here’s the shocker that such mothers, fathers, and other leaders don’t recognize. Asking such questions immediately shows disrespect for the wrongdoer’s reasoning, judgment, and ability. Only spiteful people try to screw up the things they are supposed to do. Most likely, whatever the offender did was done with no malice aforethought and for reasons they thought appropriate at the time. In short, they’re not as screwed up as the results they produced. They erred, miscalculated, or mistook something they thought would work. In any event, recovery is everything, and they learned how not to do it in the future and probably long before the condemning leader came down on them. Given the time to mull over the result they produced, they feel confident they can figure out how to do it right the next time. (We all learn most effectively by doing something wrong the first time.)

The point is this: Just the process of asking ‘why did you do that’ or words to that effect bring a culprit’s character, reasoning, and judgment into question. It challenges the wrongdoer’s self-respect. In the case of males, it also disrupts his sense of self-admiration and, consequently,weakens his interest in figuring out how to do better the next time. In the case of females, it disfigures their sense of self-importance by unintentionally displeasing someone.

It gets worse in the home. Siblings pick up on parental questioning of a particular child’s repeated mistakes or misbehavior; the child must always explain himself. Siblings carry it into adult life and easily doubt or question why their brother or sister does certain things with what appear to be dubious reasons. They carry parental habits forward long after the parents are gone, which effectively weakens family glue between adult siblings.

Mutual respect and mutual influence are severely weakened by the simple expedient of calling someone’s character, reasoning ability, and judgment into question. The leader may think it’s only a question. Wrongdoers take it far more personal and also as nullifying the confidence and regard in which leader holds them. When wrongdoers see disrespect aimed at them, their trust of the leader wanes ever more rapidly with each incident, and the leader’s effectiveness as an influencer fades.


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756. The Complex Broken Down — II

Perhaps you wonder why so much misery exists in homes today? Generally, women are not doing their best. You’ve seen some of what follows, but togetherness adds context.

Domestic harmony comes from this:

  • Wives/mothers dominate the home by recognizing husband as head of family, wife as second in command, mother as third, and father as fourth.
  • Females are naturally hard-headed and soft-hearted. Wife’s hard-headedness, however, dominates mother’s soft-heartedness. The wife role takes priority over the mother role. Otherwise, she pushes husband toward somebody else.
  • Submissiveness is not about obedience but about rank structure when agreement can’t be negotiated, but decisions must be made on important matters.
  • Husbands with frequent and convenient access to sex made delightful by wife spend less time looking for it and more time following their missions in life—job, family, or hobby. Perhaps to a fault, but it’s usually better than his chasing skirts.

Disharmony arises out of the following whether kids are present or not:

  • Mother admits her inability to be second in command by repeatedly or exasperatedly turning to father to solve routine, child discipline, or non-critical problems. 
  • When husband/father overrules or reverses decisions of wife/mother, her effectiveness declines. Both she and the kids learn that she’s not respected by head of family. Her authority for discipline goes down, and kids learn to play parents against one another.
  • When wife/mother overrules or shows disdain for decisions of husband/father, he’s driven to look for another home. Both he and the kids see that he’s not respected, and he swallows that as an escape pill.

Over the past few decades, harmony in the home has shifted toward disharmony. As a result, home life miseries intrude into everyday life. Perhaps not yours, but someone you know.


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629. Mothering Sons #03

I offer no advice for mothering sons. Rather, I focus on causes and effects that show why mothers may be disappointed with whatever they’re doing or hope to get. They should figure out what works best for their family.

  • Tweens—The effectiveness of mom’s nurturing fades. Love doesn’t help much to motivate tween sons. Soothing love helps, however, when something goes sour or wrong.
  • Toddlers—Nurturing gets weaker after son’s conscious mind opens. Showing appreciation counts far more than affection continually lavished on him. Two reasons: (1) His conscience is developing, and he’s not sure he deserves it or has no time for excess affection. (2) Unlike girls melting into relationships, he’s into individual accomplishments—specifically his own—and excitements.
  • Mothers—Good intentions don’t work except to make mom feel good about herself. Good character and good examples impress son for life if not immediately.
  • Infants—Dad is not a nurturer; even his showering of love and affection are not the same as mom’s. Of course he can change diapers, but do you think the baby gets the same sense of importance as when mom, or for that fact, even another female does it?

More follows.


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623. Mothering Sons — #01: Phases

I dedicate this series to Her Highness Adrian. My words, not hers: What’s the secret to raising good boys? The answer: Don’t raise bad ones! —at which this series aims. Good boys are essentially accidents left over from teaching boys to like Self, respect others, admire good character, and live up to something bigger than themselves.

Mother: Get ‘perfect’ out of your mind. Perfection appeals to males as it does to females, but perfection is never what someone else identifies. Also, any human knows he’s incapable of perfection all the time about all things. So, quit trying to make him anywhere near perfect. He’ll resent you and become a disciplinary problem, mama’s boy, or perhaps co-dependent on someone or something.

Mother: You may not like it, but your sense of mothering should evolve as son passes through four development phases. Nurturing and love are not always the most important. Sometimes mom’s strengths are bothersome. More later.

Mother: View child development in three phases: He’s taught before first grade, he learns firsthand before puberty, and he already knows everything after that. So, mother has to face three phases of roughly six years each. But I cut the first phase roughly in half.

  • Infants—This is the first three or so years until the conscious mind comes alive and the child recognizes himself as a person, toddler to you.
  • Toddlers—The second three years or thereabouts.
  • Tweens—This phase runs from about age six or the first grade until puberty.
  • Teens—This phase runs from puberty onward.

Effective parenting flows from emphasizing three roles with mom and dad switching primary responsibility. That’s next.  


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551. Smother Love — Part A

 Nature endows men mentally and emotionally to be top dog in relationships. The mother instinct pushes women to be number one. Not the instinct, but mothering per se is the most important job in Nature. Thus, Nature confuses both sexes, and they easily stress each other trying to harmonize home and family. 

Kids understand they are dependent on adults, until puberty disrupts what went before.

Mothering is the most important job, but that does not elevate mother to numero uno. Matter of fact, arrival of first child divides a couple into a foursome, two split personalities as it were.

The foursome works most effectively when ranked in this top-to-bottom order: husband, wife, mother, father. Now watch this clarity: Wife works for and reports to husband. Mother works for and reports to wife. Father works for and reports to mother, including the delivery of higher order discipline when mom’s just ain’t enough. Child as passenger reports to all adults. 

Think before condemning: Family life ultimately boils down to two bus drivers: With wife primarily at the wheel, family pulls together. With mother primarily at the wheel, family pulls apart. Why the difference? With mother at the wheel, she can’t resist elevating child to adult and perhaps number one status, and that drives away husband and father. 

The four split roles can work well together, when each fulfills their own mission without adversely impacting the responsibility of others.

Husband produces, provides, protects, and problem-solves. Wife orchestrates harmony between everyone in the home. Mother nurtures and rears children. Father backs up mom’s discipline and rewards mother for her efforts and sacrifices. According to circumstances at any given time, one role dominates, and three roles submit. As with barbershop quartets, Harmony!

Lack of vision, clarity, and acceptance of these roles breeds confusion that can easily lead even to hatefulness in the home. 


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538. Dysfunctional Female

A female’s primary love is self-love. To the extent that she lacks it, she becomes proportionately dysfunctional, because self-love governs her primary motivator, self-interest.

Without self-love, she’s uncertain about good and bad for her, torn between needs and wants, indecisive about her importance among others, and substitutes instant gratification for longer range interests.  

The question arises: Where does Self-love come from and how does she get it?

The complex answer: Obviously roots are in genetics and hormones. However, those roots need reinforcement and invigoration that comes from being treated as a princess in the heart and eyes of father, gramps, or whatever man reared her from about three and especially from age six thru puberty.

The simple answer: Being her father’s first-class, royal, and beautiful princess throughout childhood.

The next best thing: Self-talk before a mirror and in her prayers that describe her appearance and value as getting better all the time. Negative self-evaluations are harmful to her self-image, and this translates into less Self-love.

The really, truly, absolutely best thing: Get saved! Everything else works for her, but this is the ultimate. By giving her heart to Jesus Christ, she becomes His. Faith generates, restores, or improves her self-love.  


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