Tag Archives: flirting

2210. Hits: What Happens in Background?


In JHS, HS, college, and USN, I was the target or observed others rebuffed pleasantly or outright rejected for hitting on girls and women. Thinking on it now enables me to understand what’s happening in background mode. Much of it originates out of default beliefs inherited at birth by two very different sexes.

For this segment I define ‘hit’ as uninvited, unwanted, or overly bold intrusion or invitation, including those that you may find desirable once it happens. Some may offend, others may compliment. But the secret to making yourself more easily respected lies with treating all hitters the same (not all may be men).

OTOH flirting takes place as polite and cautious dialogue and signals that invoke a different decision process. (If a guy hits and claims he’s just flirting, without thinking twice go by your definition. Treat it as a hit without giving him opportunity to defend himself. He needs to learn who’s boss when he screws up by your standards.)

Rebuffing a hitter earns respect for you. Provided you do it for the purpose of protecting your self-respect. You reinforce self-respect by putting him in his place for having overstepped your boundaries as a person. You earn his respect for standing up for yourself and further reinforce your self-respect for having the courage to do it. (God made him wise enough to gain your attention, but He gave you the ability to get double benefit from it. Who said female isn’t the superior sex and irresistible force?)

OTOH, you probably lose respect—and don’t gain self-respect—if you respond to hits for selfish and other reasons. Examples: Reject him to make yourself feel better, put him down, like yourself better, to be liked by the hitter, show off to girlfriends, earn someone’s respect, embarrass him for showing disrespect to a woman, or just treat him disrespectfully for being a man.

Your heart should be full of feminine innocence when hit on. You’ll likely do the right thing for yourself. (Recall how That Horse is Dead reacted when the guy seated next to her brushed his upper arm against her breast. Was it a hit or a hint? She wasn’t suspicious or waiting for a man to go too far. Her feminine innocence guided her to her best advantage, in that case ladylike and dignified silence. A rebuff/rejection/dismissal probably awaits when he next tries to win her interest or second date.)

Moreover, protecting who you are and what you deserve as a person (not a woman) is not as self-centered as the examples shown in second paragraph above. Those spring out of your mind as protection for you as a woman rather than a person. There’s a difference too.

You are respected and earn respect as if you’re three people. 1) As a person, which makes you equal with all others socially, legally and particularly in God’s eyes. You deserve to be treated respectfully as an individual, not member of some group, or like your associates. 2) As a female or woman, which makes you unequal but not inferior with men (in spite of political and impractical claims to the contrary). You deserve to be recognized as very different from a man. 3) As a responsible and accountable person and woman in the various roles you fill in life, such as wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, date, fiancé, et al. You deserve to be recognized as having primary interest in things other than man-think.

Obvious and purposeful hits can emanate from a guy’s lack of respect of women generally and perhaps you too. In his mind, you may not deserve what others deserve, such as careful or sensitive approach or common courtesy. You may not deserve to be treated fairly as member of opposite sex. You may not deserve to have your marriage honored as ‘hands off’. In every hit like that, the guy subliminally claims you don’t deserve his respect, invites you to compete with him, and so—at least I think this—you should show him how to win the competition.

You deserve equal treatment as a person if not as a woman. You’re equally deserving of what you can earn as a person. It uplifts you more easily in your mind, adds moral virtue to reinforce your courage, and makes you eligible for fair treatment as a woman. As a person you’re blessed with the ability to take charge at all affronts to your comfort and dignity as a woman. But you should initiate by thinking as a person. The cautious nature of women dissuades from initiating at the very moments you need to be self-assertive in the handling of hitters.

Not as easy as it sounds, but you should treat all men alike. It trains you better to gain all the advantages that can accrue to you as a woman.

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Filed under feminine, How she wins

2063. Signs of Devotion in the Dating Stage


At post 2055 Her Highness Cinnamon asked for details that reveal a guy’s devotion in the dating phase. That’s easy. There is none except his devotion to his interest and her devotion to her interest. However, there’s always the possibility of a man’s love at first sight. One of the first things that emerges quickly is devotion to her. It’s just an ‘automatic’ phenomenon. (Women don’t love a man at first sight; they just imagine it out of too much anxiety or hope.)

However, I see what Cinnamon is after. What signals a man’s worth to move into courtship and beyond? With apology to her, however, I think more benefit may come from citing things often overlooked by gals enthralled in romantic love.

Therefore, these ‘pointy fingers’ hint at or reveal the unlikelihood that a man’s devotion of almost any woman will develop. That is, red flags unfurl, stormy weather ahead.

  1. He resists or resents just about anything that pleases her. He pleases her only when he wants something. (Which reflects deep self-centeredness and probably selfishness.)
  2. He lacks thoughtfulness, respect, punctuality, reliability, politeness, or even awkwardness or discomfort in his attempts to charm her. (Awkwardness discloses uneasiness about doing something wrong, and so it’s a good sign.)
  3. He lacks appreciation for her humor, presence, patience, housekeeping, job or family obligations, attractiveness (above and beyond the sexual).
  4. He presents her with no evidence that he admires any features, traits, habits, or qualities about her. (Lack of admiration means he sees no virtues in her and men want to marry a virtuous woman.)
  5. He doesn’t please her in order to please himself. (This is tricky. He’s more invested in her when he pleases her to please himself.)
  6. He lacks interest to do what she sometimes wants them to do together. (Such lack of respect signals no foundation for his love.)
  7. He considers her attentions to him to be excessive and has no problem telling her about it. (If she nags about loneliness, she is the red flag.)
  8. He angers easily at her for little things. That is, he ticks off easily. (And you say, most men do. And I say, not if she’s important enough for him. He either values her above his temper or devotion is probably not in the cards. Admittedly, after they marry, couples learn that husband’s temper and devotion are not mutually exclusive like they should be in courtship when his self-control is part of selling himself to her. Wife has already bought into him.)
  9. He shows little interest in contacting her frequently and regularly. (He may have good reason and slowness of initiative should not raise a red flag. For example, it’s tolerable if he wants to keep him in her mind, but preferable if he wants to set her mind at ease.)
  10. He seems unwilling to respect and accommodate both her modesty and vanity. He can’t live with the fairness (normal man’s value) of being punctual to her tardiness fixing up. (In the natural course of things, her tardiness signifies that she’s the more important member of the courting arrangement. If not acknowledged by him, red flags unfurl and courtship is probably wrong for them.)
  11. He exhibits bad habits as she defines ‘bad’ without his showing interest to change just to please her. (Doesn’t mean he has to change at her request but to at least show honest and sincere effort to do so hopefully for the purpose of just satisfying her.)
  12. He prefers the company of buddies over aloneness with her. (IOW, she’s not as respected as his fun or socializing time.)
  13. He lets sex dominate his thinking when around her and when contacting her routinely. (The more prevalent his interest in sex, the less his true interest in her. How can I say that? People get what they think about. Thinking about it leaves less time and words for other things. Until pre-conquest sex with her is hugely secondary, he’s not very devoted to her.)
  14. He resists investing his time, effort, or money in her. He’s single-minded to be super-efficient in their relationship. To produce the most for them at least cost to him. (After they marry, he gets worse. He won her with frugality, he can keep her satisfied (man’s value) while he becomes more successful at it. It’s the man’s nature coming alive this way. He admires himself for every nickel saved. Unfortunately, she pays a huge price for his satisfaction and her inability to earn happiness for lack of resources with which to spread her gratefulness among others.)
  15. He gives too big rather than thoughtful gifts. (Trying too hard to impress her signals that he’s buying her off, which reverses their natural roles. It pushes her into the corner of becoming the seller (to keep gifts coming) rather than the buyer of whatever he has to offer of himself without gifts. Respect is not buried in gifts but in the intent behind the giving. Thoughtfulness reflects his respect much better than his gift. Am I right, ladies?)
  16. He keeps his schedule from her to prevent her knowledge, involvement, or ability to investigate. (It’s natural for men to thus protect their independence and tend to their own business in their own way. It’s a strong instinct proportionally related to alpha, beta, gamma traits.)
  17. He keeps his agenda mysterious and doesn’t even hint at what her role might be in his life if and when they get more serious or marry. (Unwillingness to address her role keeps her closer to the sideline in case he wants to jump out of the relationship. The absence of such thoughts corresponds with unwillingness to fully commit.)
  18. He seems to purposely make himself unpredictable to her. (To be predictable is to lose independence. Men not fully devoted to their woman try endlessly to retain their independence even in small ways.)
  19. He flirts with other women when with her. (Contrary to woman-think, routine flirting does not signify emotional infidelity. Men don’t recognize emotional infidelity as important, and they don’t or can’t empathize with women about it. Therefore, women have to be more direct and teach their man, Thou shall not flirt, period.)
  20. He fails to flirt and tease her tenderly, abundantly, and sincerely. (Then he has little or no interest in making her feel good about herself.)
  21. He shows more interest in other things and people than in her. (He’s just not that into her, is he?)
  22. He sends out signals that she interprets as his using her to advance his agenda. (Does she want to tag along with his agenda?)
  23. He dodges commitment except when tied to frequent and convenient access to sex—e.g., shack up—and dodges even more when marriage comes up. (The female heart is loaded with self-protective reasons to find fault in such a guy.)
  24. He uses words of commitment but doesn’t show actions that signify devotion. (Her heart know this. Words are temporary. Only devotion is permanent. Now, how does she go about helping the former become the latter? Be herself, trust her heart, and rely on her patience and indirectness.)
  25. He attaches little extra value to the ‘us’ side of their relationship. He just can’t truly make her more important than him in his value system. (It does not bode well for her future even if sweetened by his presence.)
  26. He proactively claims both intent and ability to make her happy. (His idea of her happiness is her responding favorably to his leadership. OTOH, if he’s truly into her rather than sex, he’s worried about keeping her (the present) more than promising things (the future).)
  27. He promises her the moon. It’s an indirect invitation to bed. (When men come courting with indirectness, they abandon their direct nature. Women like to hear but should not trust romantic promises. Don’t dump him yet. Wait for his actions to match his words.)

Now, obviously those behaviors are more easily detectable during courtship. But the symptoms can be detected in dating and should raise red flags.

Cinnamon, if this doesn’t respond sufficiently well to your request, let me know. However, I know you ladies read more good signs and red flags in your lives than I can ever imagine. I think reason to veto is more useful. Avoidance usually beats the cure. Women already know how to buy in when they want to believe their date is almost Mr. Right.

During the dating phase, women should look for behaviors that hint that he’s not likely to fit any of those pointed fingers. That is, he’s likely to grow in the direction that leads to devotion. It may, however, be courtship phase before those signs are certain enough in a dating woman’s mind so they don’t rise up and bite her. If her screening and judging stop before he walks to the altar, she has sold herself short.

 

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1972. Eyes and Ears in Relationships


Background. Judging the behavior of others is a necessary function of life. We judge harshly when others’ actions or words make us feel bad about ourselves. We judge kindly when they make us feel good. It’s not so much what they do, it’s how it impacts us and how our reactions spring from our feelings at the moment. The accumulation of micro judgments compiles into our opinion of the worth to us of the one we judge. However, the process makes a huge turnaround after conquest. Men and women judge quite differently after than before conquest; they primarily use another sensor.

The Natural Way. As hunter-conqueror and sex prey before conquest, his eyes and her ears are the dominant sense organs. Within any relationship that follows conquest, they switch. Their relationship primarily depends upon what he does to and for her and what and how she says to and about him. Thus, her femaleness urges her to judge by looking at what he does. His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.

Irony follows. His ears and her eyes play the most important roles at energizing their behavior. It explains why innocent actions often offend and reactions often seem to not be directly connected. Such as:

  1. Her nagging assaults his ears, which tends to make him want to avoid the noise by favoring his most natural sensor, his eyes. Perhaps by looking for other attractive females (which means that nagging also reduces her attractiveness).
  2. His laziness spoils her vision of their future.
  3. He hears about her gossiping about him, and he feels doubly offended by her apparent betrayal.
  4. She sees that he won’t ask for a pay raise, and she loses respect for his courage in the mistaken belief that she knows what’s best for him at his job.
  5. She sees him refuse to take time off from work for her, and she feels taken for granted or less important than his job.
  6. He hears her whining about lack of money. He becomes de-motivated instead of energized to do better, especially when he also sees that she’s not as frugal as he and is also well-clothed and -fed.
  7. He hears her speak admirably of another man. First, he feels inadequate in whatever feature/trait she admires. Second, he gets more suspicious than if he sees her talking to some other guy.
  8. She sees him flirting, which to her is worse than hearing him admire another female. (His admiration of another does not register with her as emotional infidelity—at least not at first, that is.)
  9. She sees that he’s extra tight with money. She hears his reasoning but intends to never agree, which separates their interests about money.
  10. She sees him litter the house wherever he goes. She flares visibly and he learns quickly to disregard her.

He trusts his judgment when he can see her reactions, which enables him to more easily disregard her. He figures he sees the full picture; her messages get through loud and clear. But, precisely because of loud and clear, he can easily disregard her. He can more easily identify his interest and weigh his risk.

He’s not so confident of his judgment when he hears her displeasure. He seeks efficiency in his judgments, but he’s less sure he perceives the whole picture, or that he’s gotten the full message clearly. Doubt intrudes. Consequently, her words spoken gently, shrouded in indirectness, crowded with curiosity, and lacking in blame generate delays in his judgments and carry more weight and influence.

Her success in getting what she wants takes us back to this sentence at the top: “His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.” She has to first learn—long courtship maybe?—how to make it habitual with him to listen immediately rather than hearing her and deciding what to do next. When she can close that gap, she emerges on top of relationship communication. Imagine it this way, he isn’t truly devoted until he habitually listens rather than just hears before making judgments. Reduced to the simplest form, true devotion depends on sincere listening at her first words.

Both change after conquest. One major change is that they switch dominant sensors from what prevails outside any subsequent relationship. Relationship management calls for utilizing those phenomena to solidify and harmonize the relationship, which requires relationship expertise that men lack.

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