Tag Archives: friends

2175. Dating in Mid-life — Part C8: Her Past, A Simpler View


You can’t shape the dating atmosphere to your advantage without anticipating what is likely to come up. This post is aimed at reinforcing the more practical side of a subject and admittedly aims more at younger than more mature women.

Perhaps the toughest test of your worth to Mr. Good Enough, can and will he accept you without knowing the details of your past sex life? He has four interests: to determine his comparative value as a lover, to prevent his embarrassment as your lover, to determine the likelihood of you cheating, and what really intrigues him: Promiscuous? With his friends? With someone he knows? Mistress? Shack up? Cheap? Easy?

It’s his nature; he’s born that way. Men begrudge anyone who went before them, and the begrudging varies with who are the individuals. Husbands can be forgotten as legitimate earners of your favors (unless you bring it up)—but not the others and some measure of too many or too much reflects harshly against not just you but more importantly him.

CAUTION: The Manosphere loudly broadcasts that women are equally entitled to sexual freedom and their history is of no concern to advocates of Game philosophy. Don’t fall for it, darling. Their philosophic values are founded on the supreme superiority of men over women to the extent that respect for women is non-existent. Their philosophic flavoring floats on Feminism, tends toward homoeroticism, and leans on Islamic values. Overall, it contradicts anyone’s interest in sexual discretion and monogamy.

Here are a dozen pointers to help shape the dating scene to your advantage.

  1. Your known past generates suspicions that override acceptances and assurances. Your unknown past generates fewer suspicions to eat away at the mutual trust you hope to build.  [241]
  2. Men seek and others often advise full disclosure. When men actively pursue more about your past, they can’t ignore and not use the information to shape their thinking. Talked into full disclosure, women expect fairness and equality. The male nature does not originate fairness for sharing sexual assets, and equality is a female concept that men don’t normally consider in human relations. [241]
  3. People argue that trust cannot arise without full disclosure. Hah! Trust arises from convictions drawn from beliefs and speculation about a person. Trust does not arise when specific knowledge prevents such convictions. [241]
  4. Full disclosure comes out uneven, unequal, un-repairable, because the male nature values a woman’s chastity far more than the female nature finds interest in a man’s sexual history.  [241]
  5. The harder a man works to draw details out of your sexual past, the more likely he will use it against you sometime, someway. Perhaps latently, indirectly, or vengefully. It’s available to hold over your head and to rationalize or recover from his own mistakes. [241]
  6. Forgetting your sexual past with lack of knowledge is far easier than forgiving what Mr. GoodEnough learns from full disclosure. The more he knows, the more he thinks. The more he thinks, the more he looks for the bad or unacceptable. The more unacceptable, the less forgetting. The less forgetting, the less forgiving. [241]
  7. Feminine intuition trumps full-disclosure. While not easy, you are blessed with the skills and expertise to withhold who, what, when, where, why, and how of what he doesn’t already know. Withholding information is not dishonesty. Disclosure means candid, accuracy means honest. [302]
  8. His spirit and willingness to give more than he takes may indicate his ability to honor your decision and help qualify him as Mr. GoodEnough. However, if he’s more of a taker, he may not honor your other expectations either. Such as these after marriage: Have kids even though he agreed. Or your desire to stay home and home school, when he wants more income in the home. Or support you in caring for a sick parent. [327]
  9. Your undisclosed sexual past defends your relationship, because his ammo box lacks your historical bullets to fire back in domestic squabbles. [327]
  10. The forward-thinking woman convinces all her female friends to never leak anything about her past to her dating partner, boyfriend, husband, or any other man. But this may fail too, because friends betray friends. They steal dates, boyfriends, lovers, and husbands, don’t they? Consequently, the wisest woman keeps her sexual history as secret as possible even from friends and family. [327]
  11. Former relationships may be known to your man, but no mention should be made or comparative details disclosed. It’s toxic in any relationship for you to disclose the relative sexual worth of one man to another, regardless of who’s the better. [302]
  12. Don’t think you can outsmart him by claiming he’s your greatest lover ever. You opened the door to his inquiry about how and why he’s the greatest, so you’re trapped into telling what you’re best off not to disclose.

The more that Mr. GoodEnough knows, the more likely he will make you pay some price for your past. Couples do squabble. You may never know or understand what’s happening. Yet, he may strike back because of your earlier sexual events. It takes very little for reminders of your past to grow into humiliation for him. Your history affects his sense of significance, whether you know it or not and accept it or not. 

I know this subject has been perhaps overheated and difficult to accept. Too much of a good thing can still be boring. Tomorrow’s subject is also a tender one that needs to be reviewed for mid-life dating. It’s submission, even though we all know that subject doesn’t apply before marriage. Preparation is easier than recovery, which is the not just everything but quite often the only thing.

 

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260. Female Fortitude — 76 through 80


These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match the posts.

76.   She seeks to be friends with her kids and elevates them to adult status. This demotes husband to subordinate status, which he views as insignificance and, therefore, insufferable.

77.   A woman has to sell a man on fidelity, marriage, and her female worth as comfort partner. Otherwise, men focus on frequent and convenient sex as comfort from their daily ‘battles’.

78.   She welcomes kids with open arms but not him. She takes his arrival home for granted, because she wants relief with the kids.

79.   Hook up but no call? She lost her footing playing in a man’s territory.

80.   Trying to make a couple’s life fair or equal is self-defeating.  

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.

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226. The high cost of cheap sex — 11


The Marrying Man ponders the new male game that girls have developed, ‘friends-with-benefits’:

·        Who did and who didn’t? I don’t want one that did, but can I ever be sure?

·        Did my new girlfriend do that? Does she now?

·        Who are her friends? How many? Do I know them?

·        When I meet them, will I know?

·        How many male friends will she keep after our marriage? With benefits?

·        How do I know the difference between those that benefitted and didn’t?

·        Where does she draw the line between friend and acquaintance? A few drinks, perhaps?

·        Does she associate with girls that do it? Still hanging out with them? (We become like those with whom we associate!)

·        If she did it out of friendship, how binding will our love be? Can she devote herself to only one man? Does she need male friends?

·        How long do sealed friends remain friends?

·        Friendships don’t just end, so how about the benefits?

·        Did she benefit any of my friends or men that I know?

·        What about new friends she makes? We make? They entitled?

·        Once a friend always a friend? Where does it end?

[More about high costs of cheap sex appears in posts 207, 190, 171, 161, 149, 138, 99, 84, 39, and 2. Scroll down or search by the number with dot and space following.]

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169. Virtual Virginity #9


☼ Looking for Mr. Right, a woman has tough enemies. They include: (1) Being sexually active to keep up with her peers. (2) The lack of long range purpose and goals for her life. (3) Excessive eagerness to have boyfriend, live in, or husband. (4) Inexperience making sound judgments about HER long range future. Virtual virginity helps reduce the impact of these enemies.

☼ While her legs are crossed, a woman compares her thinking with her feelings, her wishes with the facts, her future with the promises she faces. Such clear-headedness brings far fewer mistakes.

☼ Keeping her legs crossed enables a female to control her relationships. It’s her cardinal power to test boyfriends, friends, and acquaintances for their ability to help fulfill her hopes and dreams.

☼ Of the friends, acquaintances, and newbys she knows, their potential value becomes evident when she lets ‘no sex with me’ produce and disclose to her this fallout: Mr. Wrong, Mr. Not Good Enough, Mr. Good Enough, and Mr. Right. Practice makes perfect.  

☼ Quality time after conquest is far different from quality time before.

☼ The longer she holds out, then the more the candidate for Mr. Right accepts her other values, standards, and expectations. If he fails to accept her and adjust his behavior accordingly, he’s automatically or should be Mr. Wrong.

[More on virtual virginity appears at posts 158, 147, 136, 125, 96, 70, 51, 44, and 25 below.] Scroll down or search by the number with dot and space following.

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76. Her mushy thinking—Part 3


She provides easy sex before marriage. She gives away what she doesn’t have to. After marriage she withholds sex. For example, retaliating for her hurts, she displeases him deliberately. Whatever the reason, withholding herself weakens his sense of significance with her.

She elevates children to adult status, which demotes husband to subordinate status and moves him toward insignificance—his greatest fear.

She assertively rejects this advice gem of politics and negotiation: ‘Don’t complain, don’t explain’. Instead, she unloads with everything bothering her as it bothers her. Little discretion comes across as nagging.

She gives birth at all ages without father’s presence or commitment to help. She sacrifices her child’s father-balanced future on the altar of her female ego.

She tries to take more than she gives when negotiating some issue of greater importance to husband than to her. He may deserve such treatment, and she may win the battle. But their future together dims.

She makes maintaining her imperial nest more important than retaining her man.

She reverses this model and wonders why she loses: In dating and courtship women are buyers and men sellers. Men prove their worth in order to earn her. In marriage, women are sellers and men buyers. She proves her worth in order to keep him.

She admires celebrities or others more than her husband. Admittedly, for other reasons than how she judges him, but he still comes up short. It contaminates her wifely mind for permanency.

She vocalizes jealousy of her man’s job, hobby, or recreation. She thus primes his abandonment pump. He may be totally in the wrong. But her drumbeat hardens more than weakens his determination. As the relationship expert, she has other options, but her mushy thinking thwarts her.

She expects that he will respond to stimulants just as she does. For example, guilt motivates her to do something to relieve it. Men largely ignore guilt trips placed on them and easily handle guilt they lay on themselves.

She would rather be friends with her kids than essential to her man.

She favors her kids over his. If she can’t treat all kids alike, her blending of families will not be very successful. If she can’t trust her kids to the care and admonition of her husband, she married the wrong man.  

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66. Hard-hearted Hannah


A woman easily kills her relationship when she exhibits female weaknesses that harden her heart for cooperation and soften her head into competing with her man. Weaknesses follow:

♥ Facetiousness prompted by fear of being wrong.

♥ Hatefulness prompted by dislike of herself.

♥ Selfishness never untaught to her in childhood.

♥ Busyness pursuing her personal rather than their agenda.

♥ Fussiness inspired by desire for perfection.

♥ Bitchiness that flows from envy, jealousy, and similar emotions related to others.

♥ Fearsome brought on by mistakes that she thinks might be repeated endlessly. 

Quarrelsomeness that emerges from her desire to drive their bus.

♥ Untidiness, the nesting merits of which she was never taught in childhood.

♥  Loneliness imagined when he’s not alongside her.

♥ Lonesomeness caused by husband’s absence at work.

♥ Moodiness that flows from inability to control events to her satisfaction.

♥ Carelessness prompted by weak sense of responsibility.

♥ Sloppiness that reflects badly on husband to his friends and competitors.

♥ Phoniness energized by fear of her true character being found out.

♥ Political correctness brought on by sense of being victimized.

♥ Unfaithfulness that boils in oil her man’s sense of significance.

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55. RAUNCH


In her recent book, Female Chauvinist Pigs—Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, Ariel Levy describes the latest in extreme female behavior. Young women ‘seal’ their friendship with men friends by providing sex. Such behavior disqualifies them for a stable marriage, because their fiancé or husband would have too many unanswerable questions.

Does she expect to keep sealed friends once she commits to a man? Can and will she dump them for him? Or, is he expected to welcome them as her other friends? How big is her need for male friends?

Since sex bonds women, how intensely was her bonding with her friend or friends? Can she escape or just toss her bonds away?

Does ‘sealing’ mean only once? Do the friends expect more? Can she resist or even want to? Can they?

Does she really expect to screw a friend once, call it quits, and expect him to honor her expectations?

How many friends did she seal? Will she continue the practice after marriage? What about new friends? Both theirs and hers that she may make at her job or elsewhere.

How deep or broad are the friendships she sealed or seals? Any emotional connections beyond friendship? Does friendship have the same meaning for her as for him?

Who is a friend? Anyone close to him? His buddies? Have they been sealed? Which ones?

Will she seal their newly developed friends too? Can she call them friends without doing so?

What does he think about it? How does he accept her old friends? Can he befriend her friends if he doesn’t know? What if he does know? How does she expect him to handle it—as if it never happened?

What about his old friends that become friends with her? Does she feel an obligation with them too? If they know that she sealed with others, won’t they expect the same? Won’t that adversely affect their family of friends?

What about her friends that she did not seal with? What are their reactions? Friendlier or unfriendlier?

When he encounters her friends, he will suspect whether he knows she sealed or not. Won’t he, in effect, feel cuckolded or at least suspect it upon encountering her every male friend?

Did they do it before or after our marriage? If she sealed once, she’s always suspect. Friends and acquaintances come in all colors and shades. How can he know? Tell the difference? Trusting her is not possible.

How can she be believed as faithful, when she parts with sex for less than love but to strengthen or solidify a continuing friendship? Isn’t sealing the essence of casual sex and disdain for the man she might want to marry?

Can he seal with his female friends? Is he free to roam among friends to explore what’s available? How about his developing new female friends? Can he seal too. Old female friends?

Where does it end? Not likely in a lasting relationship.   

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