Tag Archives: her attitude

2756. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 07 Formula for Success


A formula exists with significant potential for marital success. Follow it and separation is not likely to cloud the marital horizon. It is this.

Formula. Wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind + she’s grateful for and likes who she is and what she does + she’s grateful for the man and kids she does it with + she allows her heart to outwardly reflect and shower her gratitude on those nearby and it = another great day. All of which confirms her self-confidence and gratefulness and brings on a steady and predictable state to her marital affairs.

Spinning out of her great day, her dynamic presence in the lives of her family overwhelms whatever negative outcomes they each may face. She’s in charge by acting in charge; she’s effective by getting her way, because she doesn’t rule but helps guide the self-development of family members. It’s her show to run, but most wives probably lack the first ingredient—‘wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind’.

And readers say, “you mean she only has to be happy?” Yes, but it’s a specific kind and cause, a derivative of the night before, and the major point of this article.

I know it sounds too simple and fanciful, but I’m about to answer the troublesome issue we ponder here. How does she get to a happy frame of mind each morning? She gets it in bed the night before.

You gals can claim that I’m wrong, but I’ll stick with three assumptions.

  1. A wife is as happy in the morning as husband confirmed the night before that she is very important to herself, extremely important to him, and essential for preservation of their relationship. Not satisfied sexually although it may have happened, but confirmed with lovemaking and intimacy that erases any and all doubt about her worthiness and importance to him and life together. IOW, sex without lots of post-coital intimacy is neither good lovemaking nor motivation to be happy the next morning.
  2. A happy woman in the morning is not out to find flaws or faults in her man, disruptions in her life for which she can blame someone else, or otherwise kill the gratefulness in her heart for who she is and what she does. She’s out to build upon the grand fortress she’s fortunate to have found in bed with an adoring and superlative lover. IOW, intimacy dominates her sex life, and post-coital intimacy is the most valuable. When it’s lacking, lovemaking is incomplete and happy doesn’t crown her attitude the next day. She’s as happy today as husband made her feel important last night.
  3. Her husband has no idea that she’s made that way, so dependent on his behavior in bed. A man knows that if she experiences orgasm, he’s done his job and a good one too. He believes what he figures out. Consequently, knowing that he and willy are great lovers, he’s pretty much into either poke, come, and go or he seeks new sexual adventures. Whichever way he takes them, he’s fully qualified and eager to prove his lovemaking ability.

See the dilemma? Wife knows what she needs but he doesn’t. He thinks orgasm is enough, she knows better. He professes lovemaking skills, which turns him against learning something new. He figures he knows her sexual side full well, that’s all that counts in bed, and so his beliefs become more inflexible and his sexual habits more disappointing over time. To him, sexual prowess depends on techniques with his willy more than embracing, holding, and stroking her body amid affectionate whispering in her ear.

IOW, they are not even close to being on the same wavelength about sex and her importance in his and her life together. Wives learn to fake whatever they need in order to preserve the relationship. It means they subordinate intimacy to relationship solidarity. It’s an investment of herself, but not a very rewarding one.

Women need for men to be better lovers; specifically, spreaders of intimacy as the major outcome of sexual relations.

To tell a man that is to insult him. Women need a strategy to coax and coach husbands into becoming better intimacy-based lovers. It’s next if I can produce it.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she loses, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2076. Show Him Respect, Gratitude, Dependence


Miss Gina and Cinnamon at post 2074 asked for an expansion on this subject.

How to show appreciation, respect, gratitude, and dependence to her man? A dozen ways follow. But first a few pointers about men.

First, men appreciate unearned gifts very little and not to the extent that women expect or intend. Therefore, a woman’s intentions go largely unrequited because she measures him by female standards, expectations, and behaviors.

Second, if her man does what he expects of himself out of duty or responsibility, any gift doesn’t count for much. It includes ‘thank you’, which is too routine, unneeded, and lacks significance to him. He didn’t earn anything; he had to do it because it was his job, responsibility, custom, or habit.

Third, three examples of outcomes: He mows the grass regularly and after each she responds in one of three ways. 1) She says thank you in passing if at all, and he shrugs. 2) She says thank you while face to face, eyeball to eyeball, and he says okay. 3) She hands him a towel to wipe the sweat, leads him to his favorite seat, says sit, gets him a beer and chips, sits in front and smiles freshly, and acts as though he’s in armor and sitting a white horse. (Obviously hyperbolic but you get the drift. Play acting to some extent? Yes, but the actions stimulate the self-fulfilling prophecy affirmatively. He can’t miss her message. She appreciates him even more than what he does.)

Why doesn’t he appreciate the first two outcomes? Because he doesn’t think he earned anything; just did what he’s supposed to do. Another duty isn’t a big deal; he does it regularly and more for himself than her. Hence, he doesn’t convert her intentions into respect, gratitude, or dependence. She may intend it but her message doesn’t get though.

Now, consider the third option. Does he feel appreciated? Well, that’s good enough. That’s what a wife is supposed to do. She recognizes his worth, which just confirms his expectations. So all is well, grass is mown, and beer is cold. He’s satisfied and can begin preparing his thoughts in order to win tomorrow’s battles. Therefore, he’s either respected, she’s grateful for him, or she depends on him or all of the above. In any event, he sees that she appreciates him AND what he just did.

Now, the real question for you ladies is this. Do you want to be pleased with mown grass or a pleased husband? Which is more important to you? If he’s just pleasing himself, he can get any woman to say thank you. Men like to rescue women in distress because her rewards are unique, different, and not routine. Even a stranger’s thank you is unique since it comes from a different face. Where’s your uniqueness? Your dedication to who he is rather than just what he does? You should recognize that he likes to accomplish things that bring satisfaction before you even think to show appreciation.

Here are specific ways to show appreciation, respect, gratefulness, and dependence and confirm it routinely. Show that you’re grateful for him, which means that you’re also important to him, which means that his feedback is likely to be more favorable to you.

  1. In the company of a woman, regardless of subject, a man expects her to listen to him. Take away her ears—disinterest, distractions, distance in comprehension—and you take away his interest in her.
  2. Show respect for his ability to think by gently nudging him to clarify things a little more. Not too much though; you don’t want to outshine him on subjects over which he thinks he has mastery.
  3. From time to time remind him how you admired him in courtship. Even mention a few small things that made you choose him.
  4. Pay attention when he speaks. Listen closely until you can comment in ways that signal you heard him. Not to pass a direct compliment but an indirect one; that you think he knows what he’s talking about. IOW, exchange thoughts without causing disagreement.
  5. Find other ways to show gratitude without saying thank you for his doing things that he considers duty or responsibility. Indirectness is best and actions are better than words. He values more highly what he sees, just as she values more highly what she hears.
  6. Stare at him sometimes with a big smile. When he asks what, smile bigger say nothing, but maybe nod your head favorably and change the subject pleasantly or wander away as if enthralled by his presence. He can see that his presence makes you happy.
  7. When you’re awaiting a response or on something to happen, do it patiently and lean against his shoulder while you wait. Make it routine but not bothersome to him. Gently, just ‘touching base’ while you wait.
  8. Every day make it a habit to identify and tell him about one thing for which you are grateful for him or what he does. Just out of the clear for no apparent reason.
  9. You can shift more easily from work to home than he. So, don’t rattle and prattle all of your day events until you’ve given him time to unwind, shift his thoughts from work to home, and turn to you for attention.
  10. Don’t pry into his business. Inquire innocently and be grateful for whatever he shares. It’s not you. His competitive spirit keep him from exposing anything that can be used against him. It’s instinctive. (Oh, you love him and you never would do that, right? How about this? He suggests that he’s up for a pay raise. Weeks pass. No raise. You nag. No raise. After awhile you suspect something is wrong. You nag for him to approach his boss. He doesn’t. You fuss and then tire of fussing. You hold it against him. In effect, you disrespect him to handle it. You’re not grateful for him because he won’t fight for himself as you think he should. You depend less on him because your mind has already decided what will be done with the extra money. And you say you’d never use such information against him? In this scenario, how respectful have you been? Grateful for his actions? Dependent on his judgment?)
  11. He’s not the multi-tasker that you are. Cut him some slack. Show gratitude for what he does rather than what you can do or do better.
  12. And it’s still my favorite. No doubt because I coined it. “Men are never more handsome than when they please their wife/lady/friend/lover (vary the options). Make it as routine as thank you has been for so many years and with such little effect on men.

In the end, his happiness in the home is shaped mostly by her attitude, sense of happiness, and pleasant demeanor toward him. With those in place, all’s right with his world—or at least that’s the way he’s made at birth.

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622. Recovery for Wives — Part 5


WWNH: Working on her inner self will be more productive than trying to improve husband. She can surround him with an improved HER.

One regular reader said, “My boyfriend told me ‘I’ve been sweeter lately’. That’s a pretty big deal. I’m so excited he noticed.” Sweeter means her attitude shined more brightly in ways that he appreciated. Right?

How did her attitude change? I don’t know about the reader specifically, but women can sweeten their attitude by changing their view of their Self. Men have no natural drive toward being sweet, but husbands can sweeten their attitude by associating with a sweeter person and wanting to please that person.

Women can generate a lot of ‘sweetness’ easily, but men won’t or don’t see it as strength for them. I cite four ways to make herself sweeter for herself and husband.

  • She likes herself better as a person; she decides and reinforces all by herself that she’s more valuable to herself than she’s accustomed to thinking. (Reading this blog helps.)
  • She pictures herself as a better female, woman, help-mate, lover, encourager, and wife. When her shortcomings come to mind, she imagines they’re fading and will soon be gone, and then reinforces how much better she is now than she used to be. (Again, I send Einstein to the rescue: “Imagination [of what you can be] is more important than knowledge [of whatever you are].”)
  • She becomes more dedicated to caring for husband and making their life better together. She accepts responsibility to do the work without expecting compensation or recognition. (After all, it’s her marriage to maintain, since men don’t think relationships need maintenance. Also, for example, sweetness, lightness, and playfulness can reshape a relationship without getting the man directly involved.)
  • Or, there’s a simpler and easier way: Invite Jesus Christ into her heart. This automatically does all of the above plus a whole lot more. It costs nothing and the payoffs never end.

On that promise of earthly blessings and heavenly bliss, I end this series and pray that it helps those in need of recovery for their marriage.

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420. He won’t play second fiddle — Part 1


He marries a bride-wife. After kids arrive, she becomes wife-mother. His bride fades away, which is bad enough. But then she turns into wife–MOTHER and elevates the kids over him.

·        She treats children more respectably and respectfully than him.

·        She treats him as less than a vital kingpin in their lives, and kids duplicate her attitude.

·        She puts off his major interests and concerns when kids are in minor need of her attention.

·        She pleases the kids but does little to especially please him.

·        She dresses to match the kids’ activities, instead of dressing like his bride—appealing, attractive, grateful, and respectful.

·        She’s soft-hearted with kids, but hard-headed and stubborn with him in front of the kids.

·        She’s key to family togetherness, but forgets that their relationship came before kids and will last afterward.

·        She overly supervises kids, tends to their wants as if needs, and ignores things that he deems important.

·        She disagrees and argues with him on their behalf in front of the kids.

·        After kids reach their tweens, she continues to subordinate husband-wife togetherness to mother-kids togetherness

In effect she takes his importance for granted and shreds his sense of significance.

He doesn’t appreciate her, when she takes the bride out of his wife. If also pushed to play second fiddle to her or the kids, he eventually learns he can more rewardingly fiddle elsewhere.

The next post, #421, continues this subject.

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