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2753. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 05 Are You Compatible?


For the sake of clarity, I define complex matters in the simplest form. In the case of pursuing marital success—aka they never separate—the need for compatibility seems paramount. It brings to mind the lament of an old school wife: Glory be and golly gee! If its to be, it’s up to me.

Once joined in matrimony, compatibility means to go beyond love to sustain a couple’s mutual likeability, friendliness, and congeniality. Mutual love gets them started well, but it doesn’t last. Managing compatibility is easiest done by eliminating relationship toxins: by preventing the accumulation of irritants, accusations, criticism, blame, denying one’s responsibility, and other negative influences.

A couple’s compatibility requires management. Love isn’t enough for two reasons. Men love less reliably than women and even her romantic love fades in a year or two. After that, a more enduring love is essential to prevent separation. It puts the responsibility on the wife. A husband only knows how to ride along innocently; he automatically figures he is compatible or he would be somewhere else.*

Moreover, she has all the management ability. So, what does compatibility look like?

  • Sensory compatibility: It’s rooted in her immense ability to love deeply, she knows intuitively they are compatible. How can it be otherwise than right now? They are so in love. Consequently, the temporary nature of it goes unrecognized until it fades with romantic love in a year or two.
  • Mature compatibility: It’s rooted in a woman’s determination to ensure that she keeps her relationship together, and the wise wife begins immediately after the honeymoon. She can’t anticipate the frustrations and problems that lay ahead, but she can begin to strengthen their ability to live more closely and longer together.

Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate, but its left up to couples. Wife, being the relationship manager, inherits the burden to see that husband doesn’t operate at the fringe of their compatibility. She holds him closer with tactics that satisfy him more than they satisfy her. Yes, her spirit of compatibility needs to be contagious. His sense of compatibility is weak until she patiently over time inspires them both to be more mutually likeable, friendly, and congenial. Make them closer together without demanding it of husband.

It’s not her love or their love that holds them together. Marital success requires more. Particularly that which arises out of the absence of irritants, turn offs, criticism, blame, anger at one another, deep arguments, fights, and other negative influences and accusations.

Sex likenesses do not breed success in a couple. Likenesses stir competition at which wives inevitably lose. Sex differences seal them together much better, because husbands can respect women who are different, unique, mysterious, and femininely attractive.

If she’s not fully understandable, he can mumble under his breath that she’s just a woman and move on without comment. It’s a husband’s favorite hobby; it relieves pressure to say the wrong thing, and he feels good about helping to keep peace with her.

More importantly in modern times, success requires the absence of wives acting like men. Many wives envy and expect to enjoy the perquisites and privileges that husbands think are their due. Wives can’t act like a husband and expect to keep the husband they have. It nurtures competition at which she inevitably loses to him. The virtuous woman that men seek to marry are highlighted by being uniquely different from men; wives do best when they remain that way.

In short, compatibility is marvelous when husband continues to pursue wife’s presence and close association within marriage. Likeable, friendly, and congenial, all of it underwritten by her love that signals her allegiance and loyalty to him. Her satisfactions come from his actions that signify her importance in both his life and her governance of their marital arrangement.

Women need or want a mate, men don’t need one but may want one. Energized by female love, women jump right in and work at it, but men drift along with whatever a woman offers in the way of mating that satisfies their man. Her compatibility management holds them together.

If she does it right, he accepts their life together as friendly and congenial habit, and he’s more easily satisfied to live with her for life.

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*Heads up, ladies. In premarital screening, be sure to uncover each man’s habit of tossing relationship toxins into your relationship. Red flags should fly if a man is easily inclined to fault or criticize you, deny his responsibility for some things, or otherwise inflict your premarital relationship with negative inputs. It takes very little of that to poison marital compatibility after he’s unrestrained by winning you in marriage.

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2640. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 04


I will soon shift from marriage to the strategy for courtship success. In the meantime, the strategy for marital success needs elaboration.

Considering marriage, promises are much harder to sell than subsequent delivery. Unfortunately, women think the promise of endless love is enough, when it is not even the right emphasis for holding a relationship together.

Marriage boils down to these motivations. She marries for the promise of loving him above all others. He marries for the promise of greater satisfaction with his life. Period. Stop there. That’s it in a nutshell. If she betrays her promise to be faithful to him alone, or he accumulates dissatisfaction with her or their life together, their relationship crumbles in spite of her love.

After marriage her love isn’t aimed so much at him as at the things she does to enhance their marriage. It serves her more than him, because what she does adds value to her self-image and -worth. She feels good getting her way in so many facets of their life together. Nevertheless, that nutshell above determines how stable their relationship continues.

Two factors work endlessly in background mode to hold them together. 1) Not even a hint of her infidelity, and the absence of hints depend on his faith in her, and her lovable behavior underwrites that faith. 2) His satisfaction with himself for marrying her, which depends on his satisfaction with her likeability and satisfaction of living with her.

Unfortunately, he’s not looking for promises of loving him after marriage. He weighs her premarital love against the likelihood of her being faithful to him alone, and that’s good enough. IOW, before they marry, her love confirms that she’s likely to remain faithful. After they marry, her love solidifies and holds their foundation in place more than impressing him.

Her promise of endless love does little to convince him to marry. He tries to decide if he will be more satisfied than now with both himself and their life together. That she will keep him satisfied with her and their life together is a far better script to follow than using smother love.

How can she get her way and successfully govern their marital agenda if she lacks a measurement target, such as keeping him satisfied? It’s her game to win or lose. Not that it’s fair, but that it’s natural and intended from birth. Blame attached to him makes matters worse, because it activates competition and men don’t lose to their woman. Thus, she’s responsible for marital success.

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2165. Dating in Mid-life — Part C3: You Dominate or Lose


Attempts to dominate either a man or your date can both challenge and offend him. Yet, you should dominate relationship development. To do that, you dominate the subject of sex until conquest. After that your dominance goes away and you have to rely on his respect, your likeability, his devotion, and your ability to get your way while being submissive.

Men may disagree, resent, and even storm off in anger for effect or permanently. But, they know you’re entitled to protect your sexual assets. Regardless of their apparent unwillingness to respect your right, they know they have to earn it. Proof? They don’t really expect you to be submissive until they have conquered you.

You should also dominate the subject of your dignity. It’s identified by what you can’t live with, and you need to have your mind fixed strongly on just what those things are. Example: Don’t tolerate his embarrassing you. If you feel a reddening in your face, he’s violated your nature,  gone too far, and needs to know it. Your modesty is your best weapon to stave off masculine misbehavior.

When you dominate sex and dignity successfully, it enables you to develop a better relationship—if one is to develop out of subsequent dates. With this caveat, do it all without seeming to dominate. Perception is reality, so you don’t want him to perceive that you’re dominating the subject. Not telling him how or what to do but just standing your ground, protecting your interest, and guarding your unique assets with a strong will. You may offend him by defending yourself, but you will also earn his respect. If offense exceeds respect, he’s not the guy for you anyway. If respect exceeds offense, he’ll be more careful next time. He’s learning to not displease or disrespect you.

If you commit to following your nature, you will instinctively do the following and intuitively respond to his words and actions with behaviors that promote a promising relationship.

  • Identify and commit yourself to your unbendable values, standards, and expectations. Seal them in concrete in your heart and pledge your intentions to yourself to not violate them or let anyone talk you into acting contrary to them.
  • The first time it happens, inform him that if he displeases or disrespects you, you will let him know with an almost insignificant signal. Subsequently, don’t try to correct him directly. Just show the same signal each time he displeases or disrespects you or challenges, offends, or attempts to bribe you out of your panties or the solid values, standards, and expectations sealed in your heart. (As a signal for example, I suggest just showing him your pinkie finger (see #2150) but you may find something less unique and more pleasing to you. Rub your nose, pat the top of your head, or whatever as long as he gets a silent message that you’re displeased but can get over it if the subject is changed right away.)
  • Recent articles [2153 and 2154] put forward the condition that female dominance causes masculine discomfort. Actually, most of the time it works in reverse; causing masculine discomfort generates female dominance. It enables women to dominate with the right discomforting signal.
  • The knife edge of successful dating is this. He is so cocky and confident that he expects to have no trouble bringing up the subject of sex. He’s comfortable with the talking or the doing. You aren’t, shouldn’t be, or at least your nature is not comfortable. Your objective should be to make him uncomfortable about sex until you introduce it as acceptable. He’s uncomfortable about marriage. So, when he brings up sex, you respond by bringing up marriage. Oh, not proposing it; just mention it as discussable until he drops sex. Tie the two together tightly until such time as you deem the relationship well developed and ready for you to yield initiative to him on the subject.

So, if he can’t find comfort with you and still live with some discomfort about sex and marriage, it’s a red flag that he probably is not truly after you but just sex with you. And that’s a major part of breathing success into relationship development.

 

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2099. Compatibility Axioms #541-550


541. Females are born hard-headed and soft-hearted. Males are born hard-headed and hard-hearted. Her hard-headedness captures a man. Her soft-heartedness holds him. [199]

542. Romance to males means foreplay or prelude to it. Women define romance as what precedes foreplay. [199]

543. Women can enjoy masculine-style sexual freedom, but they eventually lose playing that man’s game. (Losing defined as inability to keep a man for life.) [199]

544. Commitment made before conquest fades or dies afterward, whereas a man’s devotion may dip a little after conquest but it returns. [200]

545. Everything looks and tastes better when you’re grateful. Finding reasons to be grateful for yourself and others simply brightens life. [200]

546. Selfishness interferes with gratitude, the absence of which causes unhappiness. [200]

547. A man’s devotion depends on his respect for a woman, which mostly floats on her wavy ocean of self-respect, exceptionalness as a female, feminine virtue, unique qualities, and likeability as potential mate. [200]

548. A man’s enduring love is built upon his respect for women generally and respect and likeability of one in particular. Need for her intensifies his devotion. [200]

549. After conquest a woman ceases to be a challenge, because a man’s most pressing goal has been accomplished. He moves on to his current mission in life, whether she’s his keeper or a dumpee. [200]

550. Modest attire sends the message she’s interested in long-term relationships. Immodest attire signals she’s interested in a man, period. [200]

 

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2042. Single Women Don’t Pay — III


Interest in this series continue to sparkle, and the dialogue is informative. My part is to close gaps. To marry modern values with how the mind works in response to the very different natures of men and women. Here are a few random thoughts that have sprung up along the way.

  • It’s very old school that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Men eat to satisfy their taste buds, to indulge themselves as reward for their satisfying endeavors. Women aren’t like that. Their nature actually discourages overeating. Unfortunately, it doesn’t promote under-eating except to share with others.
  • If a guy says or implies that you’re a gold-digger (or similar disrespectful claim), respond with this, “Then just wait until you ask for sex.” Throw back in his face any question or rejection of you—or women for that fact. To shape his thinking your way, you must have standards and be willing to pass them to him explicitly when he applies un-respectful pressure. Men respect women for standing up for themselves  unexpectedly.
  • Men want their woman to depend upon them. If a woman provides even gas money, she robs him of his virginity for being totally dependable to her. IOW, cracked ice melts faster. Whatever her dependence, delivering it becomes less satisfying to him because he sold himself earlier.
  • Men won’t be individualistic, masculine, dependable, and independent enough for their own satisfaction if they are helped in the most fundamental task in a man’s life, earning a living. If not totally satisfied as a man, he won’t find enough satisfaction either dating a cost-sharing woman or living with a dependent mate. If he feels less than fully dependable to care for a responsibility that he has accepted, it steers him to prostituting his character on other matters. For example: 1) He takes dates to places that he knows they won’t like or drags them along to associate with buddies. 2) Doesn’t cheating come to mind when you think of a married man not satisfied with what he has produced or possesses, not satisfied with his performance as a man upon whom others depend?
  • Neither sex knows the other well enough to date effectively. It starts with each seeking to get the other to think them more likeable. Both try too hard to please or not displease the other. Both are too eager to not fail. Dating works better when they are guided by their instinctive natures, which mandates simplicity. A man wants a woman to listen to him. A woman wants a man to be pleasant and say promising things. A woman can silently hang onto what a man says from which he infers his own intellectual genius and satisfies himself that she’s worth his investment. Satisfied with her is the key. OTOH, her mystery is the encourager for him to talk, which both determines his likeability and enables her to judge his character as potential Mr. Good Enough. It works equally well and perhaps better over burgers or picnic than over complex meeting, seating, and eating expensively—the latter with all of its distractions and etiquette pressures that take one’s thoughts away from finding likeability in the other.

This isn’t posted to terminate the dialogue, but I’m so encouraged that I just have to resurrect the subject of submission. Hopefully coming soon to a screen near you. Here’s a teaser: Christian pastors handle it wrong.

 

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1912. Men Self-talk Their Way to the Altar


It’s woman-think. Why don’t men love as women do? Because of this, their nature differs. The following man-think arises out of the natural combination of male hard-headedness and hard-heartedness. It’s the background of a man’s proclamations of love and actions that precede marriage.

A man doesn’t seriously think of marriage until four issues tickle his curiosity, flood his imagination with self-talk about likely outcomes, and satisfy his expectations for living with someone. 1) She will or will not be conquered without marriage. 2) Her combined virtues display great promise for maintaining his home and supporting whatever he does to produce, provide, protect, and solve their consequential problems. 3) She outshines other women. As he imagines it, she’s obviously dedicated to upholding her virtuous nature at least to the promise of being faithful to him not only sexually but cooperatively, encouragingly, and inspiringly. 4) He’s considering investing himself into life with her, so is he totally confident that he’s not making a mistake? Is she really who he thinks she is? Can he really be what he intends to be as husband and father?

A man first likes a woman because of what he sees and hears from her; it’s her likeability and he expects her to remain that way for life with him. Those features, traits, and habits that he admires, however, become her virtues. They combine to form the promise he sees for her in his life. To the extent that her virtues accumulate, his respect for her grows, and a man’s love is based on respect. To the extent that her virtuous likeability also continues as he expects, then his intuitive opposition to marriage crumbles.

Contrary to how modern women behave, women compete with other women to win a man. When they compete with men—except about their first sex together—they don’t score very well at all. The difference in her likeability and his desire to marry flows out of ‘comparison shopping’. He sees her in competition with other women. When she outshines them, he admires her uniquely attractive-to-him features, traits, and habits. Her actions that demonstrate dedication to her virtues persuade him of her sincerity and trustworthiness and convince him that she’s better for him than his independence.

Women know how they love, but do they know what men are likely to regard as virtue and coin-of-the-realm for marriage? The following female strengths were published in January 2008. Article 59 listed female strengths that flow out of their natural but often opposed hard-headedness and soft-heartedness. When any is admired by a man, it becomes a virtue and adds to her virtuousness in that man’s imagination.

  1. Physical attractiveness marvelously enhanced by affordable attire and classy grooming.
  2. Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings to reinforce that other men are forbidden access.
  3. Gentleness provided out of almost endless patience.
  4. Forgetfulness that truly follows forgiveness.
  5. Thoughtfulness that any mate deserves.
  6. Gratefulness for her man that shines as her being happy when he’s around.
  7. Submissiveness as vital to her spirit of cooperation.
  8. Happiness that spreads infectiously because she continually spotlights its source, gratitude.
  9. Joyfulness that inspires greater hope in those around her.
  10. Chasteness promised to him by modest speech and appearance.
  11. Generousness that smashes selfishness out of a couple’s or family’s life.
  12. Delightfulness that makes her man smile.
  13. Unselfishness that spreads as example for all.
  14. Neatness that inspires others to pay attention to small things.
  15. Goodness that sets a shining example.
  16. Faithfulness that inspires him to follow suit.
  17. Respectfulness given unconditionally without others first having to earn it.
  18. Trustfulness given instead of constructive criticism (which is still criticism).
  19. Friendliness that flows out of her liberal application of honey rather than vinegar.
  20. Virtuousness that absorbs guilt without finding reason to pass or spread it to others.
  21. Respectfulness demonstrated routinely to others in this order: 1) as a person, 2) according to their sex, and 3) according to their multiple roles in life—for example, husband, provider, policeman, infant, teacher, toddler, mother, nurturer, boss, grandma, et al.

As you have seen, the nature of men produces a premarital process and commitment agenda very different from both the womanly process and whatever women envision for men. Women are fond of makeovers in appearance because men appreciate the results. If more women had makeovers in virtuous behavior, I predict that men would appreciate it and that many more would step up to the marital plate and swing for the homerun.

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1816. Sex Difference Redux— Part 64: Commitment and Devotion I


Their natures differ on how men and women live with these two terms. Commitment verbally attaches one person to another by mutually pledging to combine as a couple and be supportive and faithful to each other. Devotion arises out of actions that emotionally connect and faithfully deliver dedication to another.

Commitment consists of words that each considers mutually agreed and understood. However, the words may or may not gravitate into matching or even mutual actions. Commitment’s a mind function with limited relationship ‘glue’. The female heart yearns for manly commitment to be doubled and hardened by the attributes of masculine devotion. And so, women accept commitment as an interim step toward the buildup of their man’s devotion. However, until they learn the merits of devotion to a woman of great promise for their future, men prefer commitment’s limited and flexible obligations.

Devotion consists of actions that seal one person to another. It’s a heart function with deep-rooted ‘glue’, and pleasant longevity sustains it. Women expect a man’s devotion, because their nature tells them they deserve it. They continually examine a man’s behavior to find or reassure themselves of it. Men kind of stumble into devotion; it happens without their having thought much about it, and a woman’s likeability causes them to stumble more.

Men become devoted to a woman in one of two ways: 1) Love at first sight inspires it. However, the more like puppy love and wimpy it proves to be in her mind, the less respect she has for him. If his devotion enables her to assume the dominant role, both her love and respect dissolve over time. 2) His sincerity in his ‘commitment speeches’, his heart-felt obligation to marriage vows, and her likeability foster the desire in him to please her as he likes to please her. Such is a man’s devotion; he pleases her because it pleases him. WADWMUFGAO* and he feels good pleasing her.

Next, the clash of giants in the commitment-devotion arena. It’s #1817.

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*We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

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