2147. Three Little Words: How They Work

Those three little words are overrated. Oh, I don’t suggest they not be used. I suggest that due diligence be paid to the likely impact they have on the sexes, because they register differently both in delivery and reception.

A man’s words impact his mind but don’t program his heart. A woman’s words program both mind and heart. Her “I love you” leads her to also act it out, which reinforces that she does love him. It doubles the dosage of obligating her to him, because her heart and mind are much more closely interconnected than those of males.

Men are quite different in how they hear three little and other words. He hears them, but they don’t register deeply within him; they do little to impress him. His ears are not the sensitive and believable sensors that hers are. If her loving actions accompany or follow her words, then he can begin to believe her love. Men believe what they see and figure out; they don’t believe what they are told until they see evidence of actions that support and reinforce.

On the delivering end, a man says, “I love you.” It isn’t the same obligation that her words carry, because unlike women his words don’t program his heart. Unless his words originate with his heart as the result of his having acted over time as if he loves her, his words mean little although they may carry intent. (But what’s that old saying about the road to hell is paved with good intentions?)

That’s why commitment promised by men ends up disappointing women who act on a man’s words. Commitment primarily serves men, because in matters of love their words are relatively cheap while women value them the same way that women value their own words.

Manly devotion serves women, but it requires time, his actions, and her patience for a man to program his heart with actions that please him for pleasing her and that end up favoring her above all others. Her femininity, uniqueness, and patience keep him interested long enough for him to find virtues that accumulate into fascination and to whom he devotes his interest above all else. Then a man loves her (as women wish they would from the get go).

To men, words are for the purpose of getting what they want. They are hunter-conquerors and competitors. Words are their weapons when physicality is inappropriate; when might can’t make right; and when faced with feminine mystique, female modesty, and appealing vanity that they can’t comprehend much less understand well enough to compete for fear of losing.

In other words, the immovable objects of the dominant sex can be moved by the irresistible force of the superior sex when women pay less attention to masculine words, exploit their feminine nature, and induce men into figuring them out rather than the reverse.

 

2063. Signs of Devotion in the Dating Stage

At post 2055 Her Highness Cinnamon asked for details that reveal a guy’s devotion in the dating phase. That’s easy. There is none except his devotion to his interest and her devotion to her interest. However, there’s always the possibility of a man’s love at first sight. One of the first things that emerges quickly is devotion to her. It’s just an ‘automatic’ phenomenon. (Women don’t love a man at first sight; they just imagine it out of too much anxiety or hope.)

However, I see what Cinnamon is after. What signals a man’s worth to move into courtship and beyond? With apology to her, however, I think more benefit may come from citing things often overlooked by gals enthralled in romantic love.

Therefore, these ‘pointy fingers’ hint at or reveal the unlikelihood that a man’s devotion of almost any woman will develop. That is, red flags unfurl, stormy weather ahead.

1. He resists or resents just about anything that pleases her. He pleases her only when he wants something. (Which reflects deep self-centeredness and probably selfishness.)
2. He lacks thoughtfulness, respect, punctuality, reliability, politeness, or even awkwardness or discomfort in his attempts to charm her. (Awkwardness discloses uneasiness about doing something wrong, and so it’s a good sign.)
3. He lacks appreciation for her humor, presence, patience, housekeeping, job or family obligations, attractiveness (above and beyond the sexual).
4. He presents her with no evidence that he admires any features, traits, habits, or qualities about her. (Lack of admiration means he sees no virtues in her and men want to marry a virtuous woman.)
5. He doesn’t please her in order to please himself. (This is tricky. He’s more invested in her when he pleases her to please himself.)
6. He lacks interest to do what she sometimes wants them to do together. (Such lack of respect signals no foundation for his love.)
7. He considers her attentions to him to be excessive and has no problem telling her about it. (If she nags about loneliness, she is the red flag.)
8. He angers easily at her for little things. That is, he ticks off easily. (And you say, most men do. And I say, not if she’s important enough for him. He either values her above his temper or devotion is probably not in the cards. Admittedly, after they marry, couples learn that husband’s temper and devotion are not mutually exclusive like they should be in courtship when his self-control is part of selling himself to her. Wife has already bought into him.)
9. He shows little interest in contacting her frequently and regularly. (He may have good reason and slowness of initiative should not raise a red flag. For example, it’s tolerable if he wants to keep him in her mind, but preferable if he wants to set her mind at ease.)
10. He seems unwilling to respect and accommodate both her modesty and vanity. He can’t live with the fairness (normal man’s value) of being punctual to her tardiness fixing up. (In the natural course of things, her tardiness signifies that she’s the more important member of the courting arrangement. If not acknowledged by him, red flags unfurl and courtship is probably wrong for them.)
11. He exhibits bad habits as she defines ‘bad’ without his showing interest to change just to please her. (Doesn’t mean he has to change at her request but to at least show honest and sincere effort to do so hopefully for the purpose of just satisfying her.)
12. He prefers the company of buddies over aloneness with her. (IOW, she’s not as respected as his fun or socializing time.)
13. He lets sex dominate his thinking when around her and when contacting her routinely. (The more prevalent his interest in sex, the less his true interest in her. How can I say that? People get what they think about. Thinking about it leaves less time and words for other things. Until pre-conquest sex with her is hugely secondary, he’s not very devoted to her.)
14. He resists investing his time, effort, or money in her. He’s single-minded to be super-efficient in their relationship. To produce the most for them at least cost to him. (After they marry, he gets worse. He won her with frugality, he can keep her satisfied (man’s value) while he becomes more successful at it. It’s the man’s nature coming alive this way. He admires himself for every nickel saved. Unfortunately, she pays a huge price for his satisfaction and her inability to earn happiness for lack of resources with which to spread her gratefulness among others.)
15. He gives too big rather than thoughtful gifts. (Trying too hard to impress her signals that he’s buying her off, which reverses their natural roles. It pushes her into the corner of becoming the seller (to keep gifts coming) rather than the buyer of whatever he has to offer of himself without gifts. Respect is not buried in gifts but in the intent behind the giving. Thoughtfulness reflects his respect much better than his gift. Am I right, ladies?)
16. He keeps his schedule from her to prevent her knowledge, involvement, or ability to investigate. (It’s natural for men to thus protect their independence and tend to their own business in their own way. It’s a strong instinct proportionally related to alpha, beta, gamma traits.)
17. He keeps his agenda mysterious and doesn’t even hint at what her role might be in his life if and when they get more serious or marry. (Unwillingness to address her role keeps her closer to the sideline in case he wants to jump out of the relationship. The absence of such thoughts corresponds with unwillingness to fully commit.)
18. He seems to purposely make himself unpredictable to her. (To be predictable is to lose independence. Men not fully devoted to their woman try endlessly to retain their independence even in small ways.)
19. He flirts with other women when with her. (Contrary to woman-think, routine flirting does not signify emotional infidelity. Men don’t recognize emotional infidelity as important, and they don’t or can’t empathize with women about it. Therefore, women have to be more direct and teach their man, Thou shall not flirt, period.)
20. He fails to flirt and tease her tenderly, abundantly, and sincerely. (Then he has little or no interest in making her feel good about herself.)
21. He shows more interest in other things and people than in her. (He’s just not that into her, is he?)
22. He sends out signals that she interprets as his using her to advance his agenda. (Does she want to tag along with his agenda?)
23. He dodges commitment except when tied to frequent and convenient access to sex—e.g., shack up—and dodges even more when marriage comes up. (The female heart is loaded with self-protective reasons to find fault in such a guy.)
24. He uses words of commitment but doesn’t show actions that signify devotion. (Her heart know this. Words are temporary. Only devotion is permanent. Now, how does she go about helping the former become the latter? Be herself, trust her heart, and rely on her patience and indirectness.)
25. He attaches little extra value to the ‘us’ side of their relationship. He just can’t truly make her more important than him in his value system. (It does not bode well for her future even if sweetened by his presence.)
26. He proactively claims both intent and ability to make her happy. (His idea of her happiness is her responding favorably to his leadership. OTOH, if he’s truly into her rather than sex, he’s worried about keeping her (the present) more than promising things (the future).)
27. He promises her the moon. It’s an indirect invitation to bed. (When men come courting with indirectness, they abandon their direct nature. Women like to hear but should not trust romantic promises. Don’t dump him yet. Wait for his actions to match his words.)

Now, obviously those behaviors are more easily detectable during courtship. But the symptoms can be detected in dating and should raise red flags.

Cinnamon, if this doesn’t respond sufficiently well to your request, let me know. However, I know you ladies read more good signs and red flags in your lives than I can ever imagine. I think reason to veto is more useful. Avoidance usually beats the cure. Women already know how to buy in when they want to believe their date is almost Mr. Right.

During the dating phase, women should look for behaviors that hint that he’s not likely to fit any of those pointed fingers. That is, he’s likely to grow in the direction that leads to devotion. It may, however, be courtship phase before those signs are certain enough in a dating woman’s mind so they don’t rise up and bite her. If her screening and judging stop before he walks to the altar, she has sold herself short.

 

2056. Submissive #10 — Nudging: Her Best Tool

I continue with submissive situations that make women more aware of what’s happening between the sexes. ‘Nudge’ means hint, planted seed, wordless suggestion, nod of conviction, and seemingly non-judgmental passing of a thought one spouse to the other.

29. It’s her nature in action. Seeking success in her nesting and family development, wife assumes whatever role she can and works from there. Where she can get her way without disturbing husband, she does. Where he resists her domestic hubris, she plays around it. For the most part, she anticipates well and plans to keep brightening their future together. [Guy adds: As natural as night and day, she uses her submissive spirit to subdue his primal urge to dominate. She does it and he reacts favorably. If not, she recovers and continues to smoothly and delicately reach for harmony in their relationship. Harmony begins when he starts humming her tune.]

30. It suggests a subordinate role, so women hate the term submission. When she argues the subject, however, it’s an offense that drives husband toward “We’ll see about that.” [Guy adds: Nevertheless, it’s very natural that it appear unequal on the surface. It exemplifies the notion that fairness rather than equality governs human relations both better and best. How can that be? If wife strives for equality, she lights the Olympic flame of competition and the games never end. However, she’s designed and prepared by her nature to live a winning life within a domestic structure of apparent inequality but actual fairness that she can generate mostly by herself.]

31. Submissiveness implies spirited support of husband’s role as half of the team that wife has put together. ‘Submission’ is just what men call it. The wise and skillful wife morphs all disagreements toward cooperative resolution. [Guy adds: Nothing works better than a little nudge here, a little nudge there and determining just what nudges will help promote her agenda tomorrow. As she plans nudges, her natural female patience expands within her heart. It’s amazing how feminine patience breeds more of itself. The greater her patience, the better her nudges produce the results she seeks. You’ve heard it many times on this blog, wife can’t change her husband as she plans or intends. That’s still true. But nudges are not the same. She isn’t trying to change him; she’s just fulfilling her agenda. Fulfilling her responsibility to generate eternal love to replace the romantic love that fades after a year or two. Nudges help bond him with her agenda.]

32. The wise wife anticipates decision time, lays groundwork to inject her interest in support of their agenda, and almost silently makes mutual their interests before decision time arrives. It only comes from a spirit of submissiveness that makes unnecessary her husband’s need to defend his dominant role. Wife has mastered the art when her skillful nudges keep them in cooperative rather than competitive roles. [Guy adds: Moreover, when she uses her talent and skill to gently get her way, she lacks both time and reason to fault him. As she ever-nudges successfully, she magnifies her worth in both her heart and his. How does she determine success? If he objects to her nudges, she isn’t nudging right or she’s judging, blaming, and implying to herself that he’s inadequate for her and calling it nudging.]

33. Wives misplay their hand when they take submission literally to mean bowing under, strict obedience, or fawning acceptance of husband’s authority. It is playing the man’s game, which she can’t win because she loses his respect or never gains more. [Guy adds: When she hears that women should submit as men and pastors claim it, she should giggle inside. She’s in control. If she hears it from husband, however, the giggle should fade into concluding that she’s doing something wrong. She needs better nudging, fewer recoveries, and more admiration of who he is in his world and what he does to her world.]

More coming soon about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.