Tag Archives: his significance

2781. ‘Midlife Crisis’


We commonly use midlife crisis to refer to the unexplainable behavior of men as they pass through their fifties. They transit a phase of acting different, out of character to their spouses. As Gail Sheehy reports in her 1976 book, Passages, both sexes go through a series of passages throughout life. Entangled together for our purpose here, middle age and midlife passages generally run in that order from ages 40 to 60 for non-executive and 50 to 70 for executive-type men. During short periods within those spans, a man reassesses and reconfigures his life, sometimes against his best interest in the eyes of his spouse.

Her Highness Yellowblue asks me to share what I can to help deal with her husband. So, I offer these thoughts.

He questions:

  • The self-admiration he gets from accomplishing what he works on routinely.
  • His work life as less enjoyable; wonders how he got there and why he’s trapped in it.
  • Whether past effort justifies his significance in life.

He seeks to:

  • Give up the past, live a good life now and not 15 years from now.
  • Let his feelings come out as more carefree and subject to change.
  • Dissolve the success model of his past, restore some adolescent habits, and live in the ‘right now’

He’s ready to:

  • Revise his life to make it more enjoyable with less effort; become more efficient living a good life.
  • Enjoy more independence from others, welcome different attachments.
  • Move his thinking from us-ness and more toward me-ness.

He:

  • Reviews his thoughts about aging and imminent death.
  • Displaces his inner contradictions from dependence on spouse (and does it faster than she can adjust).
  • Finds more contrast than likeness with parents, spouses, and children and tends to reevaluate his life more independently in those relationships.

No two guys are alike, timing is unpredictable, and spousal reaction can become terrifying. It’s just another routine midlife crisis for his spouse to deal with.

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2485. Friendly Reminders — 04


  • Expecting Mr. Good Enough to make himself worthy of her creates relationship glue. The drawn out habit-forming process should have no precise rush or goal for her; just enable him to develop his worthiness. If marriage results, it will be his idea or it likely won’t last. The prove-his-worth glue should help her harmonize their togetherness (unless, of course, she assumes another persona after marriage).
  • Men can’t duplicate God’s unconditional love, but they can show the earthly equivalent. That is, unconditional respect for individuals, especially those that reveal they don’t deserve it. (Strictly by the male nature, men only respect those who earn their personal respect.)
  • Men are slow to adapt, but they follow for better or worse the moral and religious standards exemplified by women and especially their woman. (Men like for all women to live by the same values, standards, and expectations that are elevated above masculinity. In the past, men morphed into gentlemen in the wake of women who styled themselves as ladies. It makes women more mysterious, unpredictable, and not understandable. All of which makes them more attractive to men, when their inside attractiveness uplifts their outside appearance.)
  • Projecting gratitude and respect reflects on hubby as her dependence. It  makes wife more valuable to him, even though she proves herself relatively independent in harmonizing the home.
  • Professing psychological need of a man—‘I can’t do without you’— weakens her case to keep him. She acts too possessive. He’s neither pleased nor capable, and he dodges it until she gets sickening about it. Then he departs.
  • These multiplex ingredients blend into maximum marital glue. Her likeability reinforces his significance. In his eyes he’s a better man for having her. His significance reinforces her need for a brighter future. She’s a better woman for having it brighter. Without those connections intensely exchanged, other single ingredients can be insufficient, e.g., love, respect, affection, vows, dependence.

 

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2379. PROVERBS — Sex Differences 01


  1. The trait that women condemn so easily, a man’s ego, reflects his sense of self-admiration, self-satisfaction, and significance. Unwise to attack it.
  2. A man’s friendly touch in passing is a small price for a woman to pay. It signifies the respect of men other than her own and magnifies her worth.
  3. A man’s physical infidelity isn’t terminal; she wants to talk. His woman’s physical infidelity, however, is considered the end; he expects to walk.
  4. A woman expects her ears to be filled frequently with her man’s words of affection and appreciation. Her sense of self-importance depends on it.
  5. A woman expresses love through closeness, nurturing, and intimacy. She reveals her love with words that keep her spirit more alive.
  6. A woman wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her; one man works best
  7. Female charm, indirectness, and patience enable women to dominate interaction and values that shape relationships. It’s her inborn expertise.
  8. Femininity’s inherent virtue civilizes men, balances male dominance, suppresses male aggressiveness.
  9. Flowers as gifts have one purpose, to please women. Flowers are worthless and border on inappropriate for men even in sickness.
  10. Men can more easily forget than forgive offense. Women can forgive but almost never forget offenses.

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2196. Compatibility Axioms #711-720


  1. Virtual virginity means just say No to unmarried sex. The purpose: To separate mature from immature, real from phony, reliable from irresponsible, surprising from humdrum, decisive from spineless, adult from adolescent in men and boys. Otherwise known as assessing a guy’s true potential for responsible husbanding and fathering. [248]
  2. Unless he chooses to drop her—very likely in today’s sexual arena—denial of unmarried sex makes a man focus more and more on her quality, value, and potential as whole person and, hence, potential wife. [248]
  3. Conquest releases a man to focus on other things. It frees him to move his attention to something else such as job, hobby, buds, or other females.  [248]
  4. If she can refuse unmarried sex until she conquers him for marriage, she expands her influence over his natural dominance. The winning conqueror shapes their subsequent relationship. [248]
  5. Modern women play the man’s game. They shop for friendship, pay with sex, and hope the relationship leads to marry up with shack up as back up. Friendship based on sex doesn’t last. Since sex doesn’t bond men, it makes escape easier for them. [248]
  6. When unmarried women yield the first time to a man, he wins much more than sex. Men rule over women they conquer. If she refuses, she becomes an ex. [249]
  7. Men see friendship differently. Women don’t fit a man’s mold of pure friendship, except when they are not sex targets, which means sexually unattractive to the man. Even then the personal sharing isn’t the same. [249]
  8. Men treat women according to what they appear to be—sex object, target, slut, lady, sloppy, neat, pretty, immaculately groomed, careless, desperate, disposable, old, older, oldest…. It may not matter to her but she’s responsible for the treatment she receives. [249]
  9. Men treated as sex targets by females learn that all women have little else to offer. Let the fun and irresponsible games continue. Visible groupies are more significant than bed post notches at home. [249]
  10. One major facet of a man’s sense of significance rests upon not having to face men who have bedded his woman. [249]

 

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2172. Mid-life Dating — C7: Her Sexual Past


NOTE: During proof reading this sounded like an alibi for men. Not intended. I labor for truth and clarity and hope my writing confirms each.

Men don’t respect others until they earn it. Women lay the foundation for earning  masculine respect through usage of their sexual assets.

The male psyche is guided, albeit unattractively to women, by this conviction. Respect for females begins with respect for how they handle their sexual assets. It’s not the only but most important female behavior that impacts respect early in relationships.

The conviction is stimulated by the male primal drive to compete with Nature and men and to shape human events. Every discouraged conquest means a competitor failed, which adds respect for her. Every conquest means a competitor succeeded, which reduces respect for her. Marriage provides the only exception, because a husband earns his conquest; it wasn’t given to him.

The fewer her experiences and closer to virginity, the more respect is due a woman. His sense of significance is partially based on his ability and success of beating out his competitors for conquest or nearest thing to it. Men mostly fear insignificance. Discovering their woman to have been promiscuous activates those fears, and spikes his interest in restoring his significance, which could be at considerable cost to her.

Consequently, men have an insatiable appetite to know their woman’s sexual past. However, the more details they hear about, the more details they want. It becomes ‘not enough’ once she starts to reveal her history. As she describes whoever and whatever preceded him, his curiosity grows to determine how many, meaningful, lovingly, and legal were her experiences.

He’s really in pursuit—however clouded by disguised intentions—of how his performance ranks in her mind and heart relative to his predecessors. He starts from the conviction that he’s by far the best lover, and so every revelation of hers that enables him to think otherwise sinks their marital ship just a little deeper in the waters of separation. A man can’t live very long with the thought that his woman thinks more of another man’s sexual abilities. He can even be jealous of a dead husband.

Modern women have had enough sex partners that it clouds future relationships. A woman’s next man wants certain reassurances that flow from knowledge about her past. She may provide it, she may withhold it, or he may find out from others.

Political activists and political correctioneers declare it unfair. Her sexual history is none of his business. However, modern sex practices change the dynamic of what’s best for each woman with each man.

Her man wants to know her past. He knows she’s been active. So, he probes until she reveals the details. Even counselors preach mutual candidness. That does not make it good, only acceptable to continue whatever relationship they have.

Advantage accrues to her, if she can keep her sexual history secret or as nearly so as possible. The less he knows, the less he can judge her in jealous or other incidents. The fewer the details, the fewer the thoughts that energize more inquiry. The less he knows, the less he can use against her in future squabbles.

The more he knows, the more likely he will make her pay some price for her past. She may never know or understand what’s happening. Yet, her man may strike back because of her earlier sexual events. It takes very little for reminders of her past to grow into self-generated humiliation for him. Her history affects his sense of significance, whether she knows it or not, accepts it or not. And he’s always eager to restore any loss to his sense of significance; saving face, as it were, by blaming her. 

 

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2071. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 95


  • The sexes differ. She respects what she sees (her secondary sensor) and likes what she hears (her primary and most dependable sensor). He respects what he hears (his secondary sensor) and likes what he sees (his primary and most dependable sensor).
  • Adolescent meanness is not new. But I recently heard one that particularly galled me. Either on TV or video a girl pointed at an overweight boy, rustled her huge bosom in mockery, pointed at the boy’s fat-surrounded nipples, and ridiculed him as a ‘birl’. Clever yes. With that kind of disrespect among teens, how can any kind of respect grow among them as adults. If they’re always looking for ways to disrespect someone, adolescents and adultolescents will find it.
  • Women seem convinced that fear of rejection makes men cautious of approaching a woman. However, it’s not the rejection; they can handle that. It’s having failed in the masculine competitive spirit to capture and hold her attention that really sucks up his ego, prevents self-admiration, and temporarily shrivels his sense of significance.
  • Females who practice masculine-style sexual freedom weaken the institution of marriage. 1) They provide men with frequent and convenient sex without making them obligate themselves and demonstrate respect for females as special individuals, equally unique people, and other than sex machines. 2) The presence of cheap and easy sex lures husbands away from faithful husbanding and responsible fathering.

 

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2051. Submissive #08 — Virtual Virginity Earns Less Submission


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. [Guy adds: ]

19. Virtual virginity softens his expectations that she submit to his natural dominance. It enables her to structure their relationship to her liking and suitability for marriage. [Guy adds: Female purity is a minor attraction. It’s all those men—unknown in name and number—that beat him to her, enable her to compare his performance, and cause him to imagine things that plague his memory. On top of that, who, when, why, how, and where will he face them? Men go deeply against their nature when they have to accept facing a man that previously slept with their woman. All the alibis in the world don’t assuage the hurt and perhaps hatred that he has to suppress. It’s most of the persistent grumble or worse that exists between mates when he knows of her sexual history. That modern men seem to accept their women having had previous lovers does not mean it doesn’t affect respect for her. Women loved less than they deserve is a direct function of less respect and seems to be a modern phenomenon, which is a direct reflection of her man’s knowledge and loathing of her sexual past.]

20. In the face of her ardent virtual virginity defense, a man will become or can be lured into an unnatural-for-males submissive spirit, a premarital sign of his devotion to her. The value of long courtship and engagement is this: Whatever dominant/submissive balance they achieve becomes habitual, and such habits structure the marriage. [Guy adds: Consequently, virtual virginity has more inherent influence with men than does actual virginity. True virginal innocence energizes a guy to be more dominant, to not let her escape, to be first. Virtual virginity enables her to shape their relationship.]

21. Recovery is everything. When wife continually acts like the boss, he feels insignificant, and this simultaneously makes her less attractive and other women more appealing. Perhaps unpleasant to accept, but the choice is hers. If she expects to keep him, she needs to sacrifice what is meaningful to him. He gave up his independence for her, so she must pay a price worthwhile to him. And the primal male nature calls submission the price. [Guy adds: When she suppresses her natural bossiness, she opens the door to her submissive spirit, which has far greater potential to bring harmony into their relationship.]

22. Fawning submission to husband produces loss of her self-respect and his consequent loss of respect of her. On the other hand, in-his-face refusals amount to challenging his sense of significance. Repeat refusals put her in the dumpee seat and his hand on the ejection lever. [Guy adds: Nothing works better than patience and indirectness to balance his expectation of submission with her submissive spirit—that thing so embedded in her heart that she is grateful for it. Virtual virginity opens the door to negotiation and it carries forward into marriage.]

23. The smart wife honors her husband’s role such that he doesn’t have to exploit his dominant nature, especially its explosive underside. Loss of temper makes him feel bad about himself (well hidden to be sure), which means he thinks less of her for having provoked it. [Guy adds: Her likeability and marital success depend on what he hears from her mouth. He doesn’t pay attention to what she says simply because he doesn’t like it or her for saying it.]

More will be posted tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

 

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