Tag Archives: indulgent love

1284. Adults Escape Blame by Stigmatizing Children—Part D


Kids naturally respect adults as authority figures. When adults misuse their authority, they weaken and can even kill a child’s self-respect. If two or more adults repeatedly do the same thing to a child, the likelihood of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) increases dramatically. Adults have only themselves to blame. Children don’t shape the world we live in.

It happens this way. Parents make leadership mistakes, a child’s behavior becomes intolerable, teachers complain, ODD is diagnosed, professional help is obtained, and authority figures escape blame.

A child naturally rebels when repeatedly mistreated. Parents display lack of respect and often show disrespect by misusing their authority in many ways. Among them:

  • A parent tries to discipline with love. It doesn’t work. Children know when they deserve to be disciplined. Love isn’t discipline, and they lose respect for the parent. As the threat of future discipline evaporates, personal responsibility weakens.
  • A parent tries to mediate a child’s behavior, be loved themselves, or both. The parent gives things and goes out of their way to please the child. Indulgent love weakens a child’s self-respect. Boys especially know they don’t deserve such unearned treatment.
  • A parent tries to build and use friendship bonding to mediate a child’s behavior, be loved themselves, or both. It doesn’t work with boys. It can work between a girl and mother through the tween years. But puberty changes the game and the friendship strategy fails after that.
  • Parents seek to earn their child’s respect, cover guilt and defend parental mistakes, or both. They defend their misbehaving kids against all other authority figures. Their child can do no wrong. It especially damages a child’s sense of personal responsibility. He learns that someone else should defend him when trouble comes. Also, he needn’t fear full retribution for whatever he does wrong.
  • Parents ignore or fail to teach moral values such as good and evil differences, take personal responsibility for your behavior, respect others for no reason than they are humans. Their child has no or few principles to live up to. Consequently, the boy child gains too little self-respect, self-image, and self-admiration that normally comes from building integrity into his developing character.
  • A child misbehaves. Parent intends to prevent a recurrence, punish for egregious behavior, make the child mind better, or all three. So, the parent punishes out of proportion to what the child thinks is fair. (If the parent doesn’t know what the child would call fair, then the parent doesn’t know the child very well. If that’s the case, the child already senses a lack of parental respect.)
  • The more a parent seeks to change the child, the stronger the lack of respect or disrespect inflicted. The child may need to change, but it’s not about to happen when lack of respect or disrespect are involved. (When’s the last time you heeded the guidance of someone you didn’t respect?)
  • Repeated many times over, any or many of the above generate within a child the very symptoms of ODD, “negativity, defiance, disobedience, and hostility directed toward authority figures.”
  • Parents easily get mixed up here. Children don’t need to be told, taught, or enforced how NOT to be children. Consequently, repeated punishment for being childish or immature can lead to ODD. They need to be taught how to be an adult. Punishment for not acting more like an adult, however, has the same negative effect.

Parents start the process toward stigmatizing children. The process expands when teachers and schools become involved. That’s for tomorrow.

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818. Quips from Mrs. Guy #6


Dear Ladies,

Women could adopt many a motto for their gender. One of my favorites deserves mention by itself:

  • Learn to give and you learn to live.

Until you experience joy from giving, you won’t fully enjoy the pleasure of living. It’s feminine nature in action. If you desire to be more feminine, find more ways to give of yourself.

Guy can explain the reasons it works so well. The following comes from him.

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Why and How It Works

Mrs. Guy cites the wonders of giving of yourself. Not gifting of objects but delivering unsolicited favors, words, and burden-lifting with two results: From your actions someone feels better about their self, and you are rewarded with pleasurable thoughts about yourself.

You give yourself to your children, and we call it unconditional love. But you love your husband conditionally. Giving of yourself pushes your love toward the unconditional and becomes a change agent to help turn romantic love into enduring love.

Actions program the subconscious mind. The more you give of yourself, the more you’ll give of yourself. The pleasurable thoughts you receive program your own mind to motivate you to do more of the same.

Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, but husband knows he deserve you. So, giving of yourself is something he ‘earned’. You’re always welcome to do it, but don’t expect that he’ll reciprocate until he ages into or beyond middle age.

Giving of one’s self is not inherent in the male nature. However, a wife that does it for years eventually finds that husband gets more like her. It’s the self-fulfilling prophecy effect: We become like those with whom we associate.

Mothers, especially those without husbands, often misplay it. They have so much love to give their children that they fall into indulgent love. They pamper and protect kids beyond what they need, and it stunts childhood development.

Their nature energizes females to extend themselves on behalf of others. The male nature does not. When women set the example by giving of themselves, men eventually catch on to the joy of giving—not all, but many do.

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