Tag Archives: intimacy

2761. She Calls it Cherished — I

The sexes are born with distinctly different motivational energies. A man aims at keeping himself satisfied with himself throughout life. He needs little help, and shortcomings and failures are usually his problem.

A woman’s motivational energies are tri-functional. 1) She aims at being good by doing good. 2) She seeks happiness by being grateful for self, others, and life. 3) She fulfills her female destiny by giving birth, being cherished by the person most important to her, and by having a mate to give purpose to her later years.

Many women miss out, choose other paths, or are trained in childhood for other things. They can still have a good and happy life. However, without fulfilling her destiny, women feel less important about themselves, less successful in life, and less satisfied with fulfilling their inborn motivations, girlhood dreams, and expectations about adult life.

Childbirth and having a mate to give purpose to her later years need no discussion here. They happen as the result of lengthy chains of events with someone else involved. Cherished by the person most important to her is another matter; it’s the subject here.

Watch this, ladies. A wife is as cherished as she thinks she is. IOW, she concludes that she’s cherished or not by how she’s honored and treated by the most important person in her life. He doesn’t do cherishing per se, because men don’t know how or even what it means in terms of what he should do. Hubby and wife could argue for decades, if the issue is whether or net she is cherished.

She is isolated in her thoughts about being cherished. To include husband is to involve him in relationship management, and men don’t recognize the need for that. His  relationship is okay and working, or its not.

She decides whether she’s cherished or not from how hubby admires her. His admiration spotlights her virtues as they live life together. She then figures she’s cherished or not from the manner in which he handles her closely or distantly as love and sex object, respected wife, trusted lover, teammate or tolerable load, dependable or questionable, stalwart or weak, attractive or okay, stable or unpredictable, doer or complainer, faithful or doubtful.

Thus, whether she later becomes cherished or not depends on 1) screening a man for his likeability and potential to admire her, 2) continually pursuing the affirming and positive side of their life together, and 3) loosening his nature against displaying emotional connections.

Items 1) and 2) have been covered in this blog, but Item 3) is new and more closely and directly connected to cherishment than anything else. It is non-passionate intimacy and subject of the next article.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, nurturing, sex differences

2743. Sexual Relations and the Male Mind

Not surprisingly, sexual relations affects a man’s mind very differently from the minds of women. We shall look at vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, fellatio, and irregular forms as their effects apply to couples living together. (Players and singles are motivated by other interests, and so the following may or may not apply.)

For simplicity, allow me to reduce vaginal intercourse to two kinds as viewed by the female mind. Lovemaking at its most and least satisfying for women.

Most Satisfying. Vaginal intercourse preceded by enough foreplay and followed by intimate afterplay make a love object of a man’s woman, as she recognizes it. If done effectively to meet her expectations, she longs for more. It confirms her importance as mate and gratitude as love object—‘I’m still attractive and he loves me’.

Springing automatically from each urge to merge with his mate, a loving and knowledgeable man demonstrates his devotion, respect, and her worth. Life with her and satisfaction with himself combine to motivate him to do well. He seeks to please her for the sake of satisfying himself that she deserves his best effort doing what he promised her, his love. As his loyal and exclusive love interest, her naked presence energizes him to exploit his responsibility, do his duty and do it well. He recognizes that she alone is qualified to asses his performance. His actions confirm her importance to him, and she admires him for demonstrating it.

So long, that is, as her feedback in no way questions his techniques, competence, or results. Given negative feedback on such sensitive subjects, a man loses interest in his mate and seeks satisfaction elsewhere. If she doesn’t inspire him with her satisfaction, his lovemaking efforts diminish with loss of self-respect and her loyalty to him alone becomes suspect.

The more time he devotes to each event, especially post-coital holding, the more likely he gets better and she appreciates his prowess. His likeability in her eyes for gently playing with her body energizes him to spend more time at it. The more sincerely enjoyable to her, the greater his inspiration to keep her that way. Any lack of her enjoyment drives a man to take short cuts, be more efficient and usually leads to less foreplay, afterplay, and intimate holding.

For the same unselfish reasons, a man performs cunnilingus and reinforces in her mind that he treasures her. His giving of himself out of respect and love to please her is the direct opposite of her giving fellatio, shown below.

Least Satisfying. Not all men are in relationships that inspire and motivate such extensive and satisfying lovemaking. Not all women know how to cultivate that mindset in themselves and their mate. So, let’s ignore any shortened versions of lovemaking and presume vaginal intercourse alone as the only other option that prevails between mates.

For the woman, the least satisfying vaginal intercourse comes when the man pleases himself with little or no regard for pleasing her. Foreplay, afterplay, and intimacy are weak or missing. His duty is to himself and he selfishly fulfills it. Poke, come, and go! If she’s pleasured too, it’s a bonus. The effect on the male mind confirms that she’s useful but not necessary to keep around.

OTOH, the attractions that keep a couple together are enshrouded in the connections, comforts, pleasantries, and compatible practices embedded in the most satisfying version of vaginal intercourse above.

Fellatio and irregular forms of sexual relations reduce women to under appreciated sex objects. Many men come to prefer the symbol of their dominance to providing satisfying vaginal intercourse. That is, fellatio outranks intercourse in the hearts of some men, especially the control-types.

Women victimized by fellatio and irregular forms yearn for but can find little or no manly respect. They become subjects of selfishly inspired male dominance; fellatio confirms a man’s worth as dominator. It is the ultimate confirmation that she’s dominated in matters of importance to her man. Trying to get her way with him, she finds that her ideas and suggestions have less merit than before she gave fellatio.

In law, penetration is sufficient to prove rape. In relationships, penetration of mouth is sufficient to prove dominance. In dominance, those looked down on and made submissive are not respected very highly. Those dominated in marriage face this. Imbalance in mutual respect leads to incompatibility, which leads to a dissatisfied wife and a man made more prone to infidelity.

The minds of both sexes are impacted and shaped by sexual relations. The most satisfying vaginal intercourse satisfies women. The least satisfying for women mostly affects the male ego. Fellatio and other forms turn women into victims of male dominance. Not so much what women do as to the effect it has on the male mind; that of not respecting those they dominate. And a man’s love is first founded on respect, or his love doesn’t develop fully.


Filed under Dear daughter, Her glory, How she loses, marriage, old school, The mind

2605. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 14

Still enroute home after proposing to Jenny in the restaurant, Hank continues to reminisce. Three big quirks generated immense and unusual excitement in their courtship.

First, she disclosed her lifelong commitment to abstinence for no other reason than to satisfy herself with a significant achievement. Not the abstinence but the reason for it surprised him; it is more masculine than female motivation, but then her father in childhood inspired her to pursue a big goal.

Second, he decided to marry her and presented his intentions of how to make it work. Starting with methods for handling eight pressures that arise in most marriages, he finished with his plan to supervise and make their marriage work for sixty years. He made as the foundation his intention to cherish her all that time and elevate their marriage to a status above both of them.

Third and most shocking of all, he now faces Jenny’s promise to express her expectations on the subject of lover and lovee, presumably to teach him how to love her. Sounds exciting but does he want to hear it?

He can wait, in no hurry. His curiosity and imagination compete to advise him what to expect, but neither has a comforting thought. What does he know, and when did she know it? What does her agenda look like? Will she expect him to change in some way? Change to what? He knows all he needs to know. So, more about what? Of course, he’s a good lover. He’s had no complaints. He knows exactly what to do. Put it in and drive it home. He loves it so much she can’t not love it.

Jenny fantasized for three days. No dates, no calls. He’s waiting on her, and she wants him anxious to learn. He needs time to consider so that his ears will open to what she has to say.

Jenny never heard of doing such a thing, never contemplated it until she heard how committed Hank is about them marrying. She will gamble. After marriage, there’s no way she can get by trying so directly to coach him into becoming a better lover. He would be certain to take immense offense at even the hint that he could be less than great or perhaps perfect.

Both anecdotes and experience tell her that men are more sensitive about their sexual prowess than anything else, and accusers make themselves disposable. Men brag to each other about their scores from which prowess is presumed. Women, however, know the truth but are much too cautious to disclose what they think. In fact, they say virtually nothing; any comment comes out as criticism or condemnation to a man. Women usually want to keep their man.

Jenny plots her game plan. All new and totally foreign for her to be doing such  plotting in the first place and on a forbidden subject for wives in the second place. Confident that she and Hank have won each other, however, she continues to plan her message.

As he did before, she expects to write out her ‘position paper’ and make it more conversational as she reads it. They meet and she delivers.

“Hank, my dearest friend. We must talk, rather I must talk. You men don’t know jack about the women with whom you lay. Women—in the way you love them—are mere objects to unload your passion. It has probably always been so.

“Men are not to blame; they are just ignorant and women go unfulfilled too much and too often. I figure you and I can be different, if you know more about me and my expectations than you know at present.

“What I say is aimed at all men. You just happen to be the closest and gifted enough to hear a woman’s version of how sex should satisfy rather than frustrate a wife. A husband owes his wife more than poke, come, and go. Knowing you, I’m sure you understand it. But so many men don’t—or so friends, relatives, and associates admit.

“I explain the woman’s dilemma. We cannot convey our frustrations without offending our man. We are due more honor in the bed we make with them, and I shall hopefully make with you.

“Education, not information, overcomes ignorance. Women are in no position to educate men about making love. We try to inform, yes. When we try, they take offense and drop the gal who suggests their masculine talents are less than perfect in technique and terrific in achievement. An impenetrable wall surrounds the male ego about sexual aptitude, attitude, and competence. Few things are guarded with more religious fervor.

“I hope to give you a peek over that wall. Not because you need it, but because I want the wall lowered enough so I can converse more freely with my husband about making love.

“Here are some basics of how women view sexual relations.

  • “Warmup is critical to a woman’s sexual enjoyment; the root of any pleasure begins with it. Foreplay brings her whole body into the action that follows. Bare skin touching and caressing is vital, and extended stimulation of her erogenous zones can complete the warmup. The better she is warmed up, the better is her response to him in action. So, if he thinks he’s good and expects to confirm it with the final results, he owes her an extended warmup until she says she’s ready.
  • “Contrary to man-think, earning his orgasm does not satisfy her. Pleasure? Perhaps! Maybe sure! But it’s the weakest way to prove himself. Fornication does not make a good lover. She makes him a good lover, when she is properly prepared and rewarded with intimacy at the end.
  • “Emotional conflict exists when intercourse begins. He’s driven to drive home his weapon. She wants gentle handling. His nature inspires hard penetration, and so it’s a price women are accustomed to paying. His gentle caressing and holding elsewhere helps her adapt to the courser side of his style.
  • “She needs a multi-function cool-down after they finish intercourse. Oh, not from body heat but from her excited internals that need a calming effect that comes from the comfort of his holding her with snuggling and more bare skin touching and caressing. It provides and she needs a lengthy interlude of intimacy to fortify and confirm her importance. If sex doesn’t make her feel important afterward, he didn’t do it right. His holding and enabling her to snuggle close confirms that she did the right and important thing for him. So, he owes her satisfying intimacy as reward for being a good receptacle for his intensity.

“As you can see, Hank, women are people too. When we make love, we also go all the way. Provided, that is, our man knows how to lift and gently escort us all the way through the three arches of pleasure: warmup joy, intercourse kindness, and satisfying intimacy.

“Hank expects to be flabbergasted, but he isn’t. No big deal. He thinks; I didn’t know all that but, heck, I could have figured it out sometime. Just my receptacle? That hurt. That’s not me. She makes a good case for her sisters, but I don’t know how it will ever get to other men. It’s not that complicated, but the gal has to become the most important person in the process; if the guy hopes to claim, accurately, to be a good lover.

“Jenny smiles while Hank contemplates how to respond. His silence sparks her inquiry.

“Well, honey, is our marriage talk ended? Are we finished? Remember, none of it was aimed at you but presented to educate rather than just inform. Also, this was a traumatic undertaking for me. I did it once. Never again. The subject is not for discussion unless you question me for more details sometime in our wedded future.”

Hank rises, sits beside with his arm around her. “Heck, I know all that. It makes sense and fits what I’ve known for a long time. Probably a few details slightly different, but I always intended to do those things as best I could. I figured experience together would make everything come out at least good or maybe better. I’m mostly concerned with the when, where, and how of getting started.”

Jenny starts crying, hugs him, feels relieved she has done well. Then she stops. They kiss, promise eternal togetherness, and depart for beer and burgers.

Over food, Jenny smiles in his eyes. “I can hardly wait for our warmup, your shining presence in me, and my reward of intimacy.”

Hank’s eyes sparkle with moisture, “Let’s get married sooner.”

Hank rethinks his plan to present her ring. I can do it tomorrow night at our favorite restaurant. Will it be romantic enough? Well, I will make it so.

Recovering from the fantasy flavor of what she has just done, Jenny calls her mother. “Change of plans, mom, we’re doing it sooner and….”


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2374. Advisory for Men #08

71. Even though you don’t appreciate unearned gifts, women do. Actually they expect them frequently as reminders of their importance to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness when it comes to pleasing a woman. When she’s down, she needs some sort of recognition of her importance THEN. And nothing works better than you reinforcing her importance to YOU.

72. You always do or try to do your best and don’t deserve blame except on the matter of breaking marriage vows. You’re a very admirable character reflective of a good man. Be grateful for whoever taught you that valuable trait.

73. The prettier she makes herself, the more she likes herself, which frees her to focus on your interests more than her own.

74. Remind yourself frequently that a woman needs opportunity and it seems to be an endless time to groom and primp. Every female is born knowing that she’s pretty. It’s the foundation of her personality, and must be preserved at all costs. She does it for herself but you benefit.

75. Women desire mindful lovemaking when her man uses his big head to outweigh his little head. It brings out more deliberate care for her than just plain old ordinary little head sex. It consists of gentle holding, caressing, venturesome touching of erogenous zones, no impatience, lengthy foreplay, and intimate after-play. Intercourse is far more important to you than her except with intent to create a baby. All that is her conviction; everyone knows you have a more urgent need echoing from little-head love-making.

76. Gentlemen, I worked indirectly under Ross Perot’s leadership and his motto was “Up front, blunt, and candid.” So I close this series on that vein.

Men are not the lovers they presume. Sticking Willie where he ought to go isn’t love-making in the female world. Love-making to women is gentleness more than poking, purposeful slowness more than quick fumbling, intimacy more than orgasms. So, what is intimacy?

Great love-making depends on one thing. The longer she spends caught up, growing excited, and ‘vibrating’ vulnerably in the emotional uplift between initial physical contact and climax, the greater is the love-making.

The true and intimate value of love-making is her highly charged up process of getting to the end, namely orgasm. The time spent between his stimulation and her climax is her primary expectation for sex, the intimacy she craves. IOW, being deeply aroused, staying, and dragging it out before (each) climax is the ultimate intimacy and her primary incentive for sex in the first place. Not orgasms nearly as much as continuous arousal.

That applies to foreplay and intercourse. After-play is more important than intercourse to her. Intimacy afterward means a different arousal. It’s a confirming spirit that comes from closeness, holding, caressing, snuggling and similar lingering actions that leave her with an aroused sense of how important she has just proven herself to be to her man.

Leaving her without such confirmation reveals masculine inadequacy. It may reveal that her man/lover is more grabber and jerker than considerate, more adolescent-minded than mature, more boy than man, or more talker than lover. He doesn’t truly know the woman he just poked, and he’s not nearly the man or lover he imagines himself to be.

But women are smart; they keep such opinions to themselves. They prefer to have a poor lover than do without a man who is better for many other things that are more important to a woman’s life. Sex to her is just duty—perhaps enjoyable, perhaps not—until someone provides the intimacy she craves.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, marriage, sex differences

2254. Masculine Love in Six Stages

It’s another paradox of human nature. Primarily men are producers and women are processors. Yet, women can produce a loving relationship almost instantaneously while masculine love develops through a six-stage process.

Women tend to measure a man’s love by the way she loves; that is, displays of care, affection, and frequent confirmation of their importance one to the other with the firm conviction that words are adequate to convey feeling. Men don’t do it that way. Masculine feelings develop from and tend to follow their actions instead of either his or her words.

A man’s love of a woman is a methodical process that develops in six stages. First, he finds her likeable enough to be loyal to her. Second, he sees that she finds him likeable enough to be loyal to him. Third, he uses words to commit himself to court her exclusively (although she probably initiates it). Fourth, he frequently and repeatedly pleases himself by pleasing her with actions that reflect her importance to him. (She shouldn’t expect it to match her expectations for affectionate words and intimacy.) Fifth, after months of such actions that program his subconscious, devotion develops in his heart. Her worth to him rises and the possibility of having to do without her stirs his imagination. Sixth, imagined anxiety of losing her stirs him to doubling his effort to please her for that purpose rather than to please himself. Thus, he cherishes her.

All women want to be cherished, but some make mistakes that harm their relationship. Here are a few female reactions that sours cherishment:

  • Being cherished is woman’s idea both in concept and whether she is cherished or not. Men treat their woman as it makes them feel good about themselves. If they enjoy pleasing her, then it could be devotion or cherishment but what to call it or what it means is of little concern to them. Bringing up such subjects turns men off. It’s too close to relationship management.
  • He’s a pushover for what she wants or expects out of him. His cherishing her reminds her of puppy love. Too much fawning over and submissive to her, and so she loses respect.
  • She feels deprived that signs of his love are not expressed as affection and intimacy. So, she seeks to have him change his habits. A man may change to suit the woman he cherishes, but it reminds that the most important person in his life doesn’t like him, which is one of the four legs that holds a man’s love together.
  • She expects to hear more than she sees if she is so cherished. So, frustrations set in and she tries to fix it by pressuring him to be more intimate with words. It points in another way that he’s inadequate; few women can do that and keep their relationship.
  • Being cherished is the best she can get out of a man. Does she deserve it? From him? Or, should she have chosen less of a man because that’s all she deserves? Guilt anyone?
  • She doesn’t think she’s good enough to be cherished by him. Consequently, what should be a swollen self-image shrinks, her self-worth slides down, and she easily becomes depressed. It sends subliminal but undeserved messages to him that he’s less than adequate as her mate, which reminds that if not her, he knows he’s a good mate for someone else.
  • She deserves magnificent gifts as proof that he cherishes her. She grows to resent gifts or signs of less value than she deserves, which makes those less than magnificent reduce his value to her, which rebukes his cherishing her, which demeans his efforts to please her, which makes her less likeable, which means her loyalty isn’t trustworthy, which kills his love.

If she expects to be cherished with words, she’s in for disappointment; men primarily cherish through actions. Loyalty earns commitment, which is foundation for devotion to develop, which morphs into cherishment if she provides the time and allows him to please himself by pleasing her. The greatest price she has to pay is to remain as likeable and loyal to him as he expects.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she loses, sex differences

2107. Most Valuable Possessions

Her Highness DJ at 2104 asked this: “If I understand correctly the most valuable possession of women is their reproductive organs, the most valuable possession of men is themselves?” I figure you have to look at it four ways and respond as follows.

  1. According to how they are born, women’s most valuable possession to themselves is their ability to advertise, promote, and present themselves as attractive and compatible enough that they can stall first-sex and still convince a man to produce/provide/protect/problem solve for them and their children. To men, women’s most valuable possession is genitalia until downgraded by conquest and replaced by promise a conqueror detects to support his endeavors in life.
  2. Again, according to how they are born, men’s most valuable possession to themselves is their ability to earn self-admiration by using erections. To women, men’s most valuable possession is their ability to spread affection and intimacy that confirms a woman’s importance.
  3. According to how they behave, women’s most valuable possession is their willingness, ability, and strength of character to ration sexual favor in promotion of their own interest. To men, women’s most valuable possession is their attractiveness as sex target, until conquered that is. Then it becomes each woman’s uniqueness, fascination, and likeability that separates her from others of her sex.
  4. Again, according to how they behave, mens’ most valuable possession is their ability to get what they want out of a woman. To women, men’s most valuable possession is their willingness to be fooled and manipulated into doing the bidding of a woman.

Amidst all those apparent contradictions of compatibility, one man and one woman are made to mate. As the relationship expert, she produces and directs the play with such techniques that one man willingly obligates himself to produce/provide/protect/problem solve for her and her offspring. When she accomplishes that, her man sees her as her most valuable possession. But the match isn’t perfect. He becomes her most valuable possession.


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2023. Female Blessings at Birth — 31-33

This is the eleventh group and I’m grateful for your earlier responses.

I continue taking the (currently 88) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination. (Bear with me awhile. I’m in the process of renaming Default Attitudes as Female Blessings from Birth.)

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. It resonates in your heart as truth, even though you may never have thought of it. Don’t let my explanations alter your vote. How does the item register in your heart?

False means that the item is missing completely from your heart, it’s something you learned during life, or you just don’t think women are born that way.

Where I explain or add, I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge me.

31. I get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones. [Guy adds: It’s such a primal urge that women capitalize on using those skills as just other tasks among many. For example: They work around the house by putting off after-work relaxation. They hug children and even adults because it feels good. They amplify feeling good about themselves by sharing intimacy.]

32. I understand my work is never done, and that’s as it should be. [Guy adds: Both brightening her future and living a good life require extra output to confirm her importance to both herself and others.]

33. I understand that lovemaking is the man’s game but after-play intimacy is pretty much exclusively mine. [Guy adds: Orgasm releases him for sleep but not her completely. Even if she goes orgasmic, intimacy afterward is an endless wish that easily goes unfulfilled. Her mate’s sexual satisfaction is not sufficient to convince her of her overall importance. As with too few displays of affection, she seldom gets enough intimacy to confirm what she needs. She faces this male shortcoming. Men are poor readers even of their mates and even poorer appreciators of the female need for intimacy.]

Example for your response: “33-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception to anything.

Thank you for your opinions.



Filed under feminine