Tag Archives: lack of respect

2755. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 06 Kill the Blame


Our Judeo-Christian culture degenerates as feminist-inspired lack of respect for the opposite sex spreads the use of blame to change manly behavior. Both sexes claim that relationship problems are the fault of the other side. Everyday pressures seem to make wives almost eager to find blame with husbands. It’s become habitual and perhaps epidemic in relationships.

Blame is so offensive and treacherous that it offers no escape. Hidden barbs continue to irritate the relationship skin long after peace has apparently been restored.

It’s not that men always or that all men resent blame, but women should expect it in order to know how to best deal with their man. The long-range objective is marital success, no separation now or ever. The immediate objective should be to avoid blame. Find some other way to lead her man to what she finds acceptable.

Men view their wife’s dissatisfactions this way. If he can do something about it, he will try. If not, why dump it on him? If neither she nor he can handle it, they can get someone else. What’s the big deal that warrants her blaming him?

 The Scene. Within a couple’s life, compatibility is essential, cooperation is both her incentive and overpowering talent, and collaboration and his alliance should be her goal. OTOH competition with her man is her enemy, because it’s the root of blame and with which men refuse to live.

Men do not willingly compete with their woman. They rely on dominance to get their way, when they have to have it. They fear the indignity of losing to a physically weaker person, and so they avoid or end competition to favor themselves.

Women seem to think that because men often resemble little boys in their behavior, they should be treated as little boys and they will behave better. Wifely frustrations often inspire women to raise their voices, get in their man’s face, and proclaim or preach female insistence about things. They want their way, and they want it now. Their anger fades after they unload on him, but the damage is done at his end. She considers him inadequate, insignificant, or worse or so it seems to him. In response, her likeability deteriorates and her loyalty becomes suspect.

Sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, men resent, resist, and often retaliate. His woman’s blame deals a blow to a man’s sense of significance, which energizes his greatest offense to prove her wrong if only by claiming it if he can’t prove it.

It’s her right to defend her territory as she sees fit, and pop culture and media programs exemplify it. The matriarchal push of Feminism causes women to broadcast their rights and privileges into the ever-resentful faces of men. Having the right to do it, however, doesn’t mean its right to do it. But women learn that point after their man leaves them.

The subject is blame. If women use it, their man will use it against them and include every intent to win and restore his sense of dignity, responsibility, and personal significance.

Foreground. Couples don’t think about it as clearly or directly as this. Husband expects to be responsible to see that their marriage hangs together, but she’s in charge of the details. Wife expects to see that all goes well and successfully in their relationship, home, and family, but he’s responsible to provide what she needs or lacks.

Many hidden agendas are wrapped up in the current scene, and blame is both the easiest and worst outlet for failure to work together. Why don’t they work together? Because competition stifles cooperation and collaboration and opens the door to blame.

The good wife avoids competition with husband; she pushes for cooperation until they collaborate jointly and successfully. She avoids competition knowing full well that it’s the starting point of blame.

What causes them to compete? Each mate is inborn with desire to get their way with others, and they often lack mutual respect for the other’s person and role. The most prominent causes are these: 1) One mate doesn’t respect, trust, or dislikes what the other does, and so they over supervise and tell the other HOW to do what they do. Competition highlights such encounters. 2) Each trying to get their way stirs competition. Ignoring her ability to be patient, wife is unable to yield to his decisions in the present, so that she can prevail in the future.

Competition squeezes out cooperation and prevents collaboration, which far too easily becomes habitual. Bad habits over time defeat marital success.

In action. When things go astray or wrong with husband, wives tend to favor two approaches.

  1. She blames him to the full extent of his wrongdoing with the mistaken expectation that he will correct himself and not do it again; that he will try harder to meet her expectations in the future.
  2. She may even seek to punish him, as if he’s a little boy. It insults him, and she can expect resistance, retaliation, or worse.

She may get her way, but it’s not likely their compatibility will improve when wife takes either approach. Neither is it likely he will change to meet her future expectations.

Blaming him increases competitive pressure, deposits irritants amidst their mutual likeability, and weakens compatibility, all at the same time. Blame is poison to a man, especially coming from his woman. Blame makes him want to do the opposite of what she hopes to achieve. (It’s not an alibi, it’s his competitive nature to fight back and dominant urge to win against physically weaker foes.)

Moreover, here’s some husband-think. He knows she has the ability to register dissatisfaction with him in a more agreeable way. She ought to use her considerate kindness; it’s a virtue that helped promote interest in her as his wife. If forgetfulness isn’t in her hand of cards, where is his payday when he needs it?

Moreover, she’s endowed with magnificent powers of forgiveness, if her man deserves special consideration for all else that he does. She can downgrade his offense or forgive his wrongdoing and compensate herself by finding and claiming gratitude that credits hubby for keeping her satisfied with their relationship. Not the easiest strategy by far, but the most agreeable for her long range interests. Forgiveness being a female strength, why not use it to keep the relationship she has worked so hard to cultivate?

The forgiveness part is easiest for her, but his main interest is that she forget it. He doesn’t feel forgiven unless it’s forgotten, because she can use it against him sometime in the future. He made a mistake and will do better, provided she can forget it. It’s a concession men are usually willing to make; he’ll do better if she will forget it this time.

Overlooking his wrongdoing and giving hubby credit for his presence and achievements reinforces their compatibility and enhances prospects for marital success. Blame offends him, but allowing him to skate relatively free confirms that all is okay with her, he must be okay too, and so their marriage is okay. Nothing to use against him in the future.

Thus, acceptance of his flaws strengthens their compatibility. Forgiveness strengthens her heart for handling those who need to find merit in themselves and to more assertively please her. And her ability to forget calms his fears about the next time he needs her forgiveness.

If she’s unsatisfied with him, blame or threats are her worst strategies. It puts them in competition, invites future battles over other matters, and men don’t lose battles to their woman.

6 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter, How she loses, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

1893. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 84


Wrongfully conceived notions about the nature of both sexes deny Americans the wonderment of the opposite sex. From the lack of wonderment comes individual lack of self-respect, which projects outwardly as less respect for others, which reflects back as less respect, trust, love, and likeability. Thus, the circle transmutes lack of wonderment at the opposite gender into lack of individual love and likeability. And you say, “So what?” And I remind that a man’s love is based on respect for his woman and likeability is a major component of compatibility. The consequence: Marriages don’t last because of lack of knowledge about the nature of the opposite sex. That’s the gap this blog is designed to close.

Within a couple their compatible natures motivate them to live like this. Where husband will lead, wife will follow. Where he won’t lead, she will. Where she leads, he won’t follow closely although he may hang around for awhile. As they age, her influence over husband escalates and he becomes more willing for her to lead. Over and above lifestyle causes, hormonal changes beyond midlife cause him to appreciate her leadership much more than earlier.

Feminists gain political, legal, and economic advantages for women. It’s well deserved too. However, they do it by demeaning men, diminishing their importance in home and family, and compensating them with unmarried sex to squelch objections. Men respond by expanding their independence from female interests and detaching themselves from monogamous loyalty, which enables them to dominate both home and culture at the expense of women and children. Husbandly devotion and fatherly loyalty have been so severely weakened all across society that both women and children suffer abuse in one form or another—even if just lack of respect for being a very important person by reason of being human.

8 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter

1770. Sex Difference Redux — Part 24: Love VII (w/ Kathy Petersen)


Absence of Father

The subject remains that of men showing love and affection to women. As you expect, the sexes raise boys very differently. The two preceding parts describe how childhood affects the way that men love and show affection to the women in their lives. Quite often, however, boyhood development is stunted by two parental sins. (1) Absence of father as role model and disciplinary intimidation and (2) mom’s excessive nurturing a.k.a. micromanaging son’s life. Today, we’ll examine some red flags that result from the absence of fathers. Tomorrow, it’s helicopter momism.

The following symptoms often flow out of the absence of a father figure. A boy or man demonstrates or exemplifies:

  • a weak sense of personal responsibility,
  • unreliability for providing/protecting,
  • fixation on sex as primary and perhaps only vehicle of love,
  • lack of respect for the female gender and authority figures,
  • inability to devote to one human love object,
  • lack of loyalty toward love objects, even inanimate ones such as religion,
  • expectation that his woman serve and bow to his wishes,
  • refusal to help lift wife’s obvious burdens, and
  • being extra-guarded about true emotions.

Abandonment, separation, and divorce have many causes. We could spend hours on the causes of absent fathers. But this subseries is about love and affection of males to females, so I shall stop here. Tomorrow we’ll examine another aspect of boyhood that often goes sour, either when the father is physically or just mentally absent about raising children.

1 Comment

Filed under sex differences

1389. Love: Two Kinds — Part I


The last two posts, 1387 and 1388, describe two roots of love as birth mother’s and respect and two degrees of love as unconditional and conditional. This post covers two kinds of love as that for family members and for others.

Different than the male heart, the female heart is very susceptible to giving love. Also, the female’s natural and hormonal drive to love someone adds importance to her life, which makes her love of someone doubly beneficial to her. Men have no such drive; they more or less stumble into or just discover that they love another person. In fact, they have to develop it. It doesn’t just sweep over and through them as it does with women, although a man’s love at first sight is an exception.

An adult’s love of someone outside their childhood family is a function of respect and interpersonal activity that breeds deep emotions. From it love builds up. It’s conditional and varies according to existing emotional connections within a couple’s relationship. When mutual enough to promise compatibility, new families start up.

Family love is another matter. It’s complex but can be shaped to mimic the effects of a mother’s unconditional love. One ingredient is available to all family members. It provides sufficient energy to build, strengthen, and even maximize intra-family love.

The ingredient? RESPECT! When given for no apparent reason (aka unconditional), it adds value to the receiver as a person. Respect shown in response to something (aka conditional) narrows its meaning and worth. Much more family togetherness and stability flow out of the former than the latter.

The lack of high mutual respect causes family breakups and breakdowns. I can trace the roots back to Feminism, but it’s not worth the effort here. Instead, I devote tomorrow’s post 1390 to describing how respect works to build harmony in the home. The same harmony that husband expects and wife tries, often fruitlessly, to achieve.     

 

1 Comment

Filed under Dear daughter

1283. Adults Escape Blame by Stigmatizing Children—Part C


Children are molded primarily by adults in the roles of parents who parent, teachers who teach, and principals who ‘principal’. Presumably they all know how. However, they are also authority figures. But many don’t know the ‘how to’ of using authority. Some are innocent. Some are confused. Some are ignorant. Together, they misuse the role, abuse their power, and drive children into the misfit corral. Those are the children so easily tagged with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).

Adult authority is an aura of power that easily and naturally earns respect of children. However, misuse or obsessive dependence on it causes children to lose respect for wielders. Those that use it minimally and without abuse earn greater respect for teaching by example. (Once taught, and sometimes just from their undeveloped conscience, children know when they are wrong. So, underuse of authority settles more fairly and acceptably into the immature psyche. )

Many adults inflict unfair or unjust punishment. Some signify an already opinionated lack of respect or perhaps disrespect for the targets of their misused authority. Others overreact due to bruising of their egos by misbehaving children or non-supportive bosses. And still others misuse authority for political reasons and political correctness.

As described in Part B, children quite naturally build their own self-respect. Boys build it by self-valuing their accomplishments. Girls build it by self-valuing their relationship building. They naturally expect that adults respect them, so respect shown to them adds minimally to their self-respect.

However, each child’s self-respect can be destroyed by enough of these two negative adult opinions flashed into a child’s face: lack of respect and disrespect. Those negatives are not synonymous. Lack of respect denies what a child needs. Disrespect mocks the child.

Frequent or continual display of both negatives can devour self-respect, diminish self-image, and justify fighting back. Boys reach for new ways to find self-admiration and girls to find self-importance. “Negativity, defiance, disobedience, and hostility directed toward authority figures” comes easily to immature minds.

Boys have a still-building sense of their significance, and losing it is their greatest fear. The pressure drives boys more easily than girls toward the behaviors that lead adults to tag them as ODD.

Children thrive on the absence of lack of respect and disrespect. Authority figures use their authority to discipline or impose punishment. With the slightest misuse or overuse, authority figures show lack of respect or disrespect. Therein lays the cause of the spread of ODD.  

The most effective uses of authority continue in Part D with this thought: Children don’t need to be told, taught, or enforced how NOT to be children. They need to be taught how to be an adult.

3 Comments

Filed under The mind

1282. Adults Escape Blame by Stigmatizing Children—Part B


Childhood behavior problems such as oppositional defiant disorder manifest mostly as defiance, disobedience, and hostility toward authority figures. These twins produce ODD: Lack of respect and disrespect shown by authority figures. It’s hard for adults to tell the twins apart, but kids know.

Mini-adults in training, children expect to be treated accordingly. Adults deserve respect, why don’t they? Lack of respect hurts their dignity. Disrespect attacks their ego and ignites their competitive spirit. Heart and mind ignite to aggressively prove others wrong. ODD erupts.

It goes deeper. Lack of respect fails to confirm the significance of boys and importance of girls. Disrespect affirms the insignificance of boys and lack of importance of girls. Lack of respect fails to provide what a child needs. Disrespect mocks the child; even toddlers know they deserve respect. It doesn’t take much to lose interest in becoming an adult like the authority figures barricading a child’s life.

Children need the absence of both lack of respect and disrespect more than they need the direct respect of others. A child’s self-respect builds naturally from accomplishments for boys and relationship building for girls. Direct respect helps a little, but lack of respect and disrespect discourage and slow or stop the building of self-respect.  

When kids are not respected to the extent that they think they should be, those that are not susceptible to adult dynamism resent, resist, and retaliate. Authority figures exposed to such responses fight back with full scale authority. That, in turn, switches the kids into fight-back mode. Further imposition of disrespect centralizes their thinking against authority figures in general. That process, however, makes them aspire to have authority, and so they prove themselves worthy of it by attacking and bullying peers.

However, adults have a way out: Hire a professional, reduce behaviors to a syndrome, and stigmatize children. Consequently, adults escape blame for poor leadership as authority figures.

So much for the kids. Tomorrow, ignorance causes confusion among adults acting as authority figures.

1 Comment

Filed under Dear daughter

372. Woman as Boss — #2 — Respect and Trust


Women are relationship experts, but when bossing on the job they often miss out on traditional and seldom taught leadership principles. In any organization, whether home, plant, office, or whatever:

♫ Whether from fear shown upline or trust shown downline, respect is the most important ingredient in stabilizing effective leadership. Fear has the disadvantage of breeding disloyalty and killing initiative.

♫ Trust downline earns loyalty upline. Loyalty upline earns trust for those downline. It’s the reciprocating engine of leadership effectiveness.

♫ Respect for top boss flows out of trust shown to immediate subordinates, plus the trust they impose downline.

♫ Trust imposed downline reinforces responsibility, authority, initiative, and expectations for being held accountable.

♫ The show of trust before and during an action breeds respect downline much more than appreciative words after the fact.

♫ Leaders that demand respect lose respect.

♫ Always questioning subordinates’ decisions shows lack of trust.

♫ Leaders that can’t show respect and trust before it’s earned work the leadership system backward and less successfully.

♫ Respect for and loyalty to the leader should always be left in the background. Discussion weakens whatever exists.

♫ Trust and respect in the leader becomes infectious when all subordinates are treated alike, unemotionally, and respectfully. They spread the leader’s reputation too.

It’s not just women as I claim at the top. Men also shortcircuit these leadership principles. See CONTENTS page at blog top for more about Woman as Boss.

Leave a comment

Filed under sex differences, Uncategorized