Tag Archives: lovemaking

2756. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 07 Formula for Success


A formula exists with significant potential for marital success. Follow it and separation is not likely to cloud the marital horizon. It is this.

Formula. Wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind + she’s grateful for and likes who she is and what she does + she’s grateful for the man and kids she does it with + she allows her heart to outwardly reflect and shower her gratitude on those nearby and it = another great day. All of which confirms her self-confidence and gratefulness and brings on a steady and predictable state to her marital affairs.

Spinning out of her great day, her dynamic presence in the lives of her family overwhelms whatever negative outcomes they each may face. She’s in charge by acting in charge; she’s effective by getting her way, because she doesn’t rule but helps guide the self-development of family members. It’s her show to run, but most wives probably lack the first ingredient—‘wife starts each day in a happy frame of mind’.

And readers say, “you mean she only has to be happy?” Yes, but it’s a specific kind and cause, a derivative of the night before, and the major point of this article.

I know it sounds too simple and fanciful, but I’m about to answer the troublesome issue we ponder here. How does she get to a happy frame of mind each morning? She gets it in bed the night before.

You gals can claim that I’m wrong, but I’ll stick with three assumptions.

  1. A wife is as happy in the morning as husband confirmed the night before that she is very important to herself, extremely important to him, and essential for preservation of their relationship. Not satisfied sexually although it may have happened, but confirmed with lovemaking and intimacy that erases any and all doubt about her worthiness and importance to him and life together. IOW, sex without lots of post-coital intimacy is neither good lovemaking nor motivation to be happy the next morning.
  2. A happy woman in the morning is not out to find flaws or faults in her man, disruptions in her life for which she can blame someone else, or otherwise kill the gratefulness in her heart for who she is and what she does. She’s out to build upon the grand fortress she’s fortunate to have found in bed with an adoring and superlative lover. IOW, intimacy dominates her sex life, and post-coital intimacy is the most valuable. When it’s lacking, lovemaking is incomplete and happy doesn’t crown her attitude the next day. She’s as happy today as husband made her feel important last night.
  3. Her husband has no idea that she’s made that way, so dependent on his behavior in bed. A man knows that if she experiences orgasm, he’s done his job and a good one too. He believes what he figures out. Consequently, knowing that he and willy are great lovers, he’s pretty much into either poke, come, and go or he seeks new sexual adventures. Whichever way he takes them, he’s fully qualified and eager to prove his lovemaking ability.

See the dilemma? Wife knows what she needs but he doesn’t. He thinks orgasm is enough, she knows better. He professes lovemaking skills, which turns him against learning something new. He figures he knows her sexual side full well, that’s all that counts in bed, and so his beliefs become more inflexible and his sexual habits more disappointing over time. To him, sexual prowess depends on techniques with his willy more than embracing, holding, and stroking her body amid affectionate whispering in her ear.

IOW, they are not even close to being on the same wavelength about sex and her importance in his and her life together. Wives learn to fake whatever they need in order to preserve the relationship. It means they subordinate intimacy to relationship solidarity. It’s an investment of herself, but not a very rewarding one.

Women need for men to be better lovers; specifically, spreaders of intimacy as the major outcome of sexual relations.

To tell a man that is to insult him. Women need a strategy to coax and coach husbands into becoming better intimacy-based lovers. It’s next if I can produce it.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she loses, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2023. Female Blessings at Birth — 31-33


This is the eleventh group and I’m grateful for your earlier responses.

I continue taking the (currently 88) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination. (Bear with me awhile. I’m in the process of renaming Default Attitudes as Female Blessings from Birth.)

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. It resonates in your heart as truth, even though you may never have thought of it. Don’t let my explanations alter your vote. How does the item register in your heart?

False means that the item is missing completely from your heart, it’s something you learned during life, or you just don’t think women are born that way.

Where I explain or add, I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge me.

31. I get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones. [Guy adds: It’s such a primal urge that women capitalize on using those skills as just other tasks among many. For example: They work around the house by putting off after-work relaxation. They hug children and even adults because it feels good. They amplify feeling good about themselves by sharing intimacy.]

32. I understand my work is never done, and that’s as it should be. [Guy adds: Both brightening her future and living a good life require extra output to confirm her importance to both herself and others.]

33. I understand that lovemaking is the man’s game but after-play intimacy is pretty much exclusively mine. [Guy adds: Orgasm releases him for sleep but not her completely. Even if she goes orgasmic, intimacy afterward is an endless wish that easily goes unfulfilled. Her mate’s sexual satisfaction is not sufficient to convince her of her overall importance. As with too few displays of affection, she seldom gets enough intimacy to confirm what she needs. She faces this male shortcoming. Men are poor readers even of their mates and even poorer appreciators of the female need for intimacy.]

Example for your response: “33-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception to anything.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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1840. Faithful Away from Home


Her Highness Brown Eyes inquired at post 1696. “Let’s imagine the wife is doing a great job at home and she looks amazing. Her husband is in the military and he is leaving for a whole year. She can stay faithful, it’s easier for her, but can he? What can she do? How can they remain strong in their relationship with such a long time apart? Will he not forget everything they have together from lack of daily reminders?”

Those are great questions, and I respond to all women. Seamlessly shift from Chief Nester to Chief Executive Officer as the Chairman of the Board departs. Then, develop an attitude of gratitude (#1839) and:

  • Proudly display a self-sufficient and independent spirit happy to be awaiting his return from a routine absence. The more he views you running your solitary life as routine, smooth, and happy, the more confident he feels as your husband. He married the right woman, did he not?
  • Don’t act victimized or as if you need to be babied. Your independence calms his fears.
  • Don’t—above all—whine or moan about anything in your routine life, and make everything as routine as possible. Act happy whether you are or not. Don’t complain unless he can fix it from afar. Keep his thoughts separated from your problems. Solve them your own way and hide a lot until he comes home. As you need help, empathy, and sympathy, develop and depend on a mixture of family and female friends. Except for family members and perhaps geriatric neighbors, don’t let men help or do favors for you. (Ultra-geriatric in hubby’s imagination.)

Whining drives your man toward other women; it works this way. If he can’t do what you need and provide and protect up to HIS expectations, it deflates his sense of self-admiration, weakens his self-respect, and deadens his self-image. He sinks into a haze of mini-depression. ‘Mini-’ in that he isolates it into a side pocket of his life, where it prevents angst, anger, and helplessness about home matters from interfering with his job. The more intensely he wants to but can’t help you, the more intensely he wants to relieve frustration through lovemaking, which more easily weakens his conscience about the multiple reasons to remain faithful.

Just as anxiety depresses women, frustration demoralizes men and they are highly proactive about relief. The result is that men cheat more readily than women.

Consequently, with the best of intentions, whining wives drive husbands toward lovemaking outside the home where they can find relief from frustration. Your best policy is the same as used to protect secrets in government: need to know. If it’s a problem or a negative for your life, don’t disclose it. Honesty is essential to keep the marital vapor of trust from condensing into suspicion, but full disclosure hurts your relationship far more than it helps.

So, how to be honest but not fully candid? Find ways to shower him with respect and admiration. Use your newly developed attitude of gratitude for ideas.Current events in your life can be conveyed such that he senses deep admiration coming from you. Remembrances or family stories can be told in ways that do the same. If you’re upbeat and happy, hubby takes the credit when away from home. He left you in excellent shape to survive his absence and it reassures him. (No doubt you can imagine how the least suspicion about your fidelity overrides everything else you say.)

The more respect and admiration you deliver to his heart and mind, the more he feels good about himself. Feeling good about himself relative to you keeps passionate thoughts aimed at you instead of someone else.

Trust but don’t verify. Never mention trust and always presume it surrounds you as a couple. Your respect and admiration fleeting honestly through his mind keeps trust as a vapor surrounding the lives of both of you. Your spending so much time on him will keep you preoccupied such that he trusts you without wondering about it.

As with all else, you’re in charge. What you do and the way you do it sparks his faithfulness until he returns home. If he’s left to drift without your respect and admiration and the promise of your dependence when he returns, you shouldn’t expect total fidelity. (I dislike ending on that sour note, but it’s vital to your success.)

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Filed under Home CEO