Tag Archives: marital success

2790. Men are Simple; Women Just Don’t Get It


I shall describe a simple model here of the male nature as a man senses pressure to move forward with a love interest and sustain himself in the husband role. The woman’s best game plan is to exploit and take advantage of her man’s nature.

Throughout his life, a man strives for one thing. Call it self-satisfaction, the drive to keep himself satisfied with himself—with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. All of his complicated manly motivations lead back to that end result over which he retains complete authority to judge. It also supports, symbolizes, and reflects his independence.

His love of her builds in eight steps of which he may or may not be consciously aware. Most of it evolves out of his habits of thinking, rethinking, and subconsciously programming new habits about her as he drives, rests, or otherwise pauses to fit her into his life as a man. He’s not as much after her as keeping himself satisfied with himself.

The following steps are not linear. They flash and evolve irregularly, ubiquitously, and unanticipated in and around his psyche.

  1. During their early encounters, she doesn’t disclose herself but primarily listens to him and thereby earns his respect, which is the first essential requirement for his love to begin developing. He’s the seller talking her toward conquest; she as the buyer listens attentively but refuses conquest and thereby earns his respect. (She continues to earn his respect until she at last yields, and he becomes a different man in their relationship.)
  2. He learns to please her, because he sees promise in it toward conquest. He’s the seller, she’s the buyer so long as she doesn’t capitulate for their first sex together. (Then the roles automatically reverse.)
  3. After awhile pleasing her becomes habitual and he pleases her because it pleases him differently from chasing conquest. Thus, she becomes more important to him than sex, which makes him devoted and generates the second essential ingredient for his love.
  4. He sees her as extremely likeable. He seeks her presence more and more, and his feelings about her grow more magnificent until they override his thoughts to conquer.
  5. He finally figures out that she’s better than all the others and he could be loyal to her. He could, if he chose, quit chasing all those lovelies just to have her for his own.
  6. He searches for the next essential ingredient for his love to develop. She has to see him as likeable as she is to him. IOW, do her displays of love confirm his likeability or just his presence?
  7. She has to display actions that convince him she can or will be completely faithful and loyal to him.
  8. After months of thinking of her and dreaming of his future life, he begins to realize that he loves her. It’s a tough admission, because he doesn’t see love as women do, and so he lacks incentive to proceed. He’s not too eager to move on, unless he’s convinced he needs to marry in order to keep her for his own. That will move him, and his thoughts evolve into two questions.

He faces this dilemma. He has a good single life. Will he be more satisfied with himself continuing as before? Or will he be more satisfied living with her? If he admits the latter as the right way to move onward with his life, that he truly loves her above all others, then he makes the choice and proposes. It’s the one time he can admit that he must truly and undeniably love her enough to commit his all.

Men don’t expect to start something and fail, and so his proposal backs him into the corner of responsibility for marital success. Neither see nor acknowledge it, but it resides subliminally in him and questionably within her. (Threats to or complaints about their marriage are subliminally if not obviously his fault, which puts them in competition and men don’t expect to lose to a weaker person, and she’s a member of the weaker sex, which means he has no intention of losing to her, which means he sometimes has to leave to keep from losing. Except for bringing up the threat or complaint, it’s not her fault but his nature pushing him like that.)

Her acceptance of his proposal puts them on different tracks of compatibility to her happiness and his satisfaction. He turns wedding and honeymoon preps over to her, and expects to thereafter live in his marital kingdom by keeping himself satisfied with himself. He already knows those things for which he expects to be directly responsible. In effect, he hires her to handle everything else.

It results in their division of responsibility. He’s responsible for those things up to which he acknowledges to himself to satisfy himself: e.g., his job, car, income, husbandly and fatherly duty, leadership, etc. Everything else is hers to handle—especially relationship management—such that she gets her way with most of her life with him.

Princess wives know what they want. They’ve dreamed it for years. The more intense their dreams, the more perfection they expect, and it has a disastrous effect in early marriage. Perfection is too much, whether in homecare, childcare, or relationship management. It causes too many and too high expectations that cause friction that brings dissent, dispute, and ultimately separation.

That marriage works best that looks like this. If he’s satisfied with who she is, what she does, and living with her, then he’s satisfied with married life, which satisfies him that he rightly chose her, which satisfies him with himself. Women are well equipped from birth to read a man as to his being or not being satisfied. God must have intended to make her job that much easier, less traumatic, if she just uses her natural talent.

But, you say, what about her? Well, she gets to do as she pleases and almost always get her way. He rules the present, she rules their future. She can easily govern home life and relationships by respecting his kingdom this way. She can pursue perfection or anything else so long as she keeps him satisfied with her and what she does, then he’s satisfied with marriage. A satisfied need no longer motivates, and so a man satisfied with himself in marriage needs little more than what he has. She’s free to build on that accommodation, of holding him because she satisfies herself by satisfying him with himself.

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2753. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 05 Are You Compatible?


For the sake of clarity, I define complex matters in the simplest form. In the case of pursuing marital success—aka they never separate—the need for compatibility seems paramount. It brings to mind the lament of an old school wife: Glory be and golly gee! If its to be, it’s up to me.

Once joined in matrimony, compatibility means to go beyond love to sustain a couple’s mutual likeability, friendliness, and congeniality. Mutual love gets them started well, but it doesn’t last. Managing compatibility is easiest done by eliminating relationship toxins: by preventing the accumulation of irritants, accusations, criticism, blame, denying one’s responsibility, and other negative influences.

A couple’s compatibility requires management. Love isn’t enough for two reasons. Men love less reliably than women and even her romantic love fades in a year or two. After that, a more enduring love is essential to prevent separation. It puts the responsibility on the wife. A husband only knows how to ride along innocently; he automatically figures he is compatible or he would be somewhere else.*

Moreover, she has all the management ability. So, what does compatibility look like?

  • Sensory compatibility: It’s rooted in her immense ability to love deeply, she knows intuitively they are compatible. How can it be otherwise than right now? They are so in love. Consequently, the temporary nature of it goes unrecognized until it fades with romantic love in a year or two.
  • Mature compatibility: It’s rooted in a woman’s determination to ensure that she keeps her relationship together, and the wise wife begins immediately after the honeymoon. She can’t anticipate the frustrations and problems that lay ahead, but she can begin to strengthen their ability to live more closely and longer together.

Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate, but its left up to couples. Wife, being the relationship manager, inherits the burden to see that husband doesn’t operate at the fringe of their compatibility. She holds him closer with tactics that satisfy him more than they satisfy her. Yes, her spirit of compatibility needs to be contagious. His sense of compatibility is weak until she patiently over time inspires them both to be more mutually likeable, friendly, and congenial. Make them closer together without demanding it of husband.

It’s not her love or their love that holds them together. Marital success requires more. Particularly that which arises out of the absence of irritants, turn offs, criticism, blame, anger at one another, deep arguments, fights, and other negative influences and accusations.

Sex likenesses do not breed success in a couple. Likenesses stir competition at which wives inevitably lose. Sex differences seal them together much better, because husbands can respect women who are different, unique, mysterious, and femininely attractive.

If she’s not fully understandable, he can mumble under his breath that she’s just a woman and move on without comment. It’s a husband’s favorite hobby; it relieves pressure to say the wrong thing, and he feels good about helping to keep peace with her.

More importantly in modern times, success requires the absence of wives acting like men. Many wives envy and expect to enjoy the perquisites and privileges that husbands think are their due. Wives can’t act like a husband and expect to keep the husband they have. It nurtures competition at which she inevitably loses to him. The virtuous woman that men seek to marry are highlighted by being uniquely different from men; wives do best when they remain that way.

In short, compatibility is marvelous when husband continues to pursue wife’s presence and close association within marriage. Likeable, friendly, and congenial, all of it underwritten by her love that signals her allegiance and loyalty to him. Her satisfactions come from his actions that signify her importance in both his life and her governance of their marital arrangement.

Women need or want a mate, men don’t need one but may want one. Energized by female love, women jump right in and work at it, but men drift along with whatever a woman offers in the way of mating that satisfies their man. Her compatibility management holds them together.

If she does it right, he accepts their life together as friendly and congenial habit, and he’s more easily satisfied to live with her for life.

——

*Heads up, ladies. In premarital screening, be sure to uncover each man’s habit of tossing relationship toxins into your relationship. Red flags should fly if a man is easily inclined to fault or criticize you, deny his responsibility for some things, or otherwise inflict your premarital relationship with negative inputs. It takes very little of that to poison marital compatibility after he’s unrestrained by winning you in marriage.

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2640. Good Women Lose Their Way Getting Their Way — 04


I will soon shift from marriage to the strategy for courtship success. In the meantime, the strategy for marital success needs elaboration.

Considering marriage, promises are much harder to sell than subsequent delivery. Unfortunately, women think the promise of endless love is enough, when it is not even the right emphasis for holding a relationship together.

Marriage boils down to these motivations. She marries for the promise of loving him above all others. He marries for the promise of greater satisfaction with his life. Period. Stop there. That’s it in a nutshell. If she betrays her promise to be faithful to him alone, or he accumulates dissatisfaction with her or their life together, their relationship crumbles in spite of her love.

After marriage her love isn’t aimed so much at him as at the things she does to enhance their marriage. It serves her more than him, because what she does adds value to her self-image and -worth. She feels good getting her way in so many facets of their life together. Nevertheless, that nutshell above determines how stable their relationship continues.

Two factors work endlessly in background mode to hold them together. 1) Not even a hint of her infidelity, and the absence of hints depend on his faith in her, and her lovable behavior underwrites that faith. 2) His satisfaction with himself for marrying her, which depends on his satisfaction with her likeability and satisfaction of living with her.

Unfortunately, he’s not looking for promises of loving him after marriage. He weighs her premarital love against the likelihood of her being faithful to him alone, and that’s good enough. IOW, before they marry, her love confirms that she’s likely to remain faithful. After they marry, her love solidifies and holds their foundation in place more than impressing him.

Her promise of endless love does little to convince him to marry. He tries to decide if he will be more satisfied than now with both himself and their life together. That she will keep him satisfied with her and their life together is a far better script to follow than using smother love.

How can she get her way and successfully govern their marital agenda if she lacks a measurement target, such as keeping him satisfied? It’s her game to win or lose. Not that it’s fair, but that it’s natural and intended from birth. Blame attached to him makes matters worse, because it activates competition and men don’t lose to their woman. Thus, she’s responsible for marital success.

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2152. Push Husband Out, It’s Easy


Her Highness Mia inquired about clarity on minor subjects, but it prompted me to rant. Nothing she did or said. Just me reminding myself. So, she and you can take yourself personally out of what follows. No accusations aimed your way. However, some of it applies to women everywhere just to the extent they find something of interest to do or undo.

Pointed at all women, the writing just comes better in second person, you, and hopefully reads more interestingly that way.

It doesn’t matter if cheating husband’s other woman is perfect partner or not. If he sought her out, it means you’re not the perfect partner he thought he married. You were the love of his life. So what fractured, shattered, or crumbled his love into nothing with any loyalty left for you? It’s not even a shadow of what left the altar.

I’ve preached it for several years. Positive and affirming emotions such as love and respect do not hold marriages together. Not as much as negative emotions rip marriages apart. Such as a continual bombardment of irritants, criticism implied or stated, and mini-failures to close the gaps of emotional differences. In short, the lack of relationship expertise that recognizes little nods of negative connection and finds ways to abolish them.

Counselors and advisors advise continually on what to do to please your partner. It may help a little but it’s not the answer for marital success. Your time is better spent avoiding what ticks off your partner or spouse. Stop kicking him and kick yourself.

When a husband takes up with another woman, he’s at fault. No way to justify it. However, we can examine his motivational background.

His love depends on his respect for you, so how did you undermine it? Nag? Criticize? Withhold sex? Enable him to feel inadequate in bed? Blame him? Point out his shortcomings? ID his faults? Treat him as uninteresting? Talk endlessly about things of no interest to him? Feed him what you like instead of what he likes? Get up grouchy in the morning? Nag? Do little to please him but expect him to please you continuously? Act grouchy after work? Have too many headaches at night? Refuse to entertain his friends? Resent his hobbies or habits that take him away from you? Dislike yourself and too lazy to do something about it? Forget who you were that attracted him to you? Plan to return to your natural personality once you hooked him? Always act sick with little reason? Manipulate him? Never smile at him? Fail to confirm his importance in your life? Never try to please him for the pleasure it gives you? Keep alive your own negative attitude? Fail to show gratitude for what he does? Fail to show your dependence on who he is? Complain to girlfriends about him? Expose his foibles to others? Show disdain for him in public? Embarrass him? Whine endlessly about all your problems? Fail to teach the kids that dad ranks higher in the pecking order than they do? Fail to grant him the status of family leader? Nag? Spend too much money with the false expectation you will like yourself better? Expect him to make you feel better about yourself? Disturb him unnecessarily at his job? Express complaints about him in front of the kids? Overeat as if you deserve it to feel better about yourself? Fail to acknowledge your secondary role in family matters (as he sees it, darling, not as you suppose it should be)? Fail to step up to your responsibilities for harmony in the home? Fail to use your relationship expertise to generate harmony between the two of you?

Change your habits/personality/behavior from the woman he married? Refer to him minor problems with kids that you could solve if you weren’t fearful the kids would dislike you? Find less interest in him than other people and things outside the home? Fail to read and understand just what goes through his mind during both good and bad relationship incidents? Fail to help him recover from his mistakes and self-caused accidents? Disagree with each other in front of the children? Fail to reward him for special tasks that please you? Overdo pillow talk with irrelevant or unimportant issues? Resent his frustrated sense of independence? Find ways to shame him? Use too many words, rather than silence-that-informs, to plead your case that he upset you? Nag? Resent his rest and recreation with TV and beer immediately after work? Fail to show faith in his judgment when he’s intent on doing things his way (e.g., not asking for directions). Elevate your job as more important than his? Fail to trust him. Resent his earning satisfaction daily at his job while happiness comes to you after years of striving? Disrespect men generally and it leaks over onto him?

You see, I enumerated many ways that you could and perhaps still do that disappoint him. If he provides any feedback, you ignore it. In any event, before he met you at the altar he expected none of the above or he would have left you standing by yourself. Now he takes it out on you. He resents, resists, and eventually retaliates on some simple thread the camel’s back could not carry.

Men are not inclined to stay married to women who are not the same one they married. Some men do it by sneaking off to cheat first. Others let their woman’s surprises turn them into abusers. Still others just walk out. Finally, a few hang around having had their masculine courage smashed into apathy; they prefer the certainty of misery to the uncertainty of change, which then reverses the game by costing them your respect.

Men follow inspiring female leadership in relationships. When will relationship experts learn to lead men respectfully in ways that men accept with dignity and gratefulness? Learn to make themselves more important by making themselves less obvious, less intent on being completely understood, less convinced that only they know what’s proper, and less convinced that micro-management will improve their marriage?

The pinkie finger article is aimed at highlighting your upsets and leaving unstated what you expect out of him. It dumps your displeasure in his lap to do with as he pleases, which gently and without accusing flips his ‘Uh Oh’ switch to read: ‘I probably should not do it that way again’. Self-correction is a much more agreeable meal for him to digest, which makes you as the relationship pinkie-waving ‘cook’ look much more dependable, friendlier, and likeable. He can easily learn that he wants to remain closer to you rather than another.

NOTE: More reasons to justify use of the pinkie will be disclosed in a day or two. If you have reasons, feed them to me and thanks for doing so.

 

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2095. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 96


  • Women have pretty much convinced everyone that men are the primary culprits for mucking up relationships. Women are experts on managing relationships but men are not, so even equal blame may not be appropriate.
  • Infatuation is a powerful inducement to do wrong by letting feelings override a woman’s thinking. The infatuated girl or woman too easily disregards or fails to exploit the character shaping and guidance provided by God, modesty, vanity, morality, and the rest of her female nature.
  • Women do not have to embrace the feminist ideology to embrace feminist values. For example, modern women expect or sanction teen sexual activity to attract masculine attention. They let or teach daughters to dress like hookers, show cleavage to match plumber backside exposure, and dress erotically. Boys and men learn to insist on more and more, and females of every age acquiesce. Nowadays, boys exploit girls as friends with benefits. Men grow older eyeballing more and more exposed skin and dreaming wishfully or wistfully about going from older bloom to younger blossom. Compatibility decays further under social pressure to cheat rather than respect one’s mate. [131
  • A connected difference exists and women ignore or miss this point of nature today. Women hug a man to be held. Men hug a woman to kiss or more. Thus, the common practice of everyone hugging everyone confirms the woman’s importance at each man’s expense—he’s challenged. He may feel awkward with self-restraint or thrilled with the feel of the female body.
  • Why don’t women like to be approached or hit on by strange men? They don’t know how to react successfully because they lack self-confidence that arises out of self-respect that arises out of self-gratitude. IOW, they are not grateful for themselves and don’t like to be reminded of what they don’t deserve.
  • Females inherit typical female convictions, motivations, and qualities at birth in many combinations and variations. Each woman is born unique, and men have an endless variety of women in which to find virtue and from which to choose a virtuous mate. IOW, women are born to be virtuous as men define it, and men determine virtue by the unique female qualities they see in each woman. It means that each woman competes against women for virtuous uniqueness in order to have more options to pick and choose the best man for her.
  • Success in marriage depends basically on two factors. 1) She depends on what he does, his actions. On what he does to, for, and about her, which she perceives with her secondary sensor, her eyes. 2) He depends on her words. On what, how, and why she says to, for, and about him, which he perceives with his secondary sensor, his ears. It means success in marriage requires both sexes to pay less attention to their primary sensors. What she hears and what he sees are not the major determinants.

 

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2052. Submissive #09 — Dictators and Rule the Rooster


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening between the sexes.

24. In a marriage moving along successfully, submission doesn’t haunt the wife. As the relationship kingpin, she knows how to integrate their respective strengths, minimize their respective weaknesses, and discretely pick the battles she will wage. Her submissive spirit moderates her husband’s dominance by weakening his need for it. [Guy adds: Her submissive spirit is the linchpin for encouraging him to put aside his competitive role-protection and enjoy the friendliness and encouragement that goes along with her hints, seed planting, and patience, aka her cooperative spirit. The more he goes along to get along with her prescriptions for home life, then the more he moves toward becoming Mr. Right. Right, ladies?

Unfortunately, if he morphs too much and she determines that he’s grown into Mr. Right too soon, then she loses interest in improving him. Enabled to quit trying, she grows bored. It contributes to the hurdle I call the 20-year ditch, either her of him or him of her. Ideally, she to herself declares him Mr. Right about the same time that security takes on a more awesome meaning to her. Improving him morphs into using him to brighten her future security. When does it happen? Who knows? But the more easily he slips into the spider web that enables her to actually dominate, the sooner she becomes bored. That is, with so much success, too few struggles, and too easy to get her way, then she seeks new challenges to reinforce her sense of self-importance. It prompts her to think outside the box (home).]

25. The successful wife recognizes that her husband’s primal urge to be head of the family far outweighs her need to rule the roost. So she aspires to rule the rooster mostly with him being unaware. [Guy adds: It’s caused mostly by her nature and is the offspring of her well-meaning submissive and cooperative spirits. However, some women will add deviousness to their efforts. Of course it brutalizes a woman’s sincerity. If husband detects insincerity or deviousness, her credibility and his respect plummet. Because trying to rule the rooster is natural to females, it’s acceptable to males when done honestly and sincerely. Deviousness and tricks merely waste effort and enlarge odds that she will lose in the long run.]

26. A vital part of the submissive spirit is letting husband discover and fix his own mistakes. If wife points them out directly, or harps about them, he goes into defensive mode that agitates his dominant nature. It amounts to her threatening or at least tinkering with his sense of significance. This pushes a man to seek submission on his terms and restore his significance. Her submissive spirit gets wasted in the aftermath. [Guy adds: Marital success depends on what she sees him do to, about, and for her. Also, why, how, and what he hears her say to, about, and for him. IOW, the starting point of marital judgments is his ears and her eyes, in both cases their secondary sensors. Examples: She sees his laziness and rings the bell to start the next round. Her endless chatter about things of no interest to him drives him to turn off his hearing long before he’s old enough to have and turn off his hearing aid.]

27. Marriages fail easily unless the CEO power struggle is resolved harmoniously. The ideal arrangement has spouses developing a working division of authority that makes both sides feel safe, comfortable, and confident about the other. Ideally, arranged in courtship, both agree to yield on matters over which the other has responsibility. But in the end, each has to yield cooperatively or disputes have a way of magnifying in both number and meanness. [Guy adds: It’s no easy matter to assign responsibility and authority to one spouse because marriage is a sharing experience. However, it’s still a sharing matter. When push comes to shove on some issue, one spouse has the upper hand. That is, the authority to render the final decision after sharing the issue with other spouse. For example: He rules the family; she rules the home. The ‘junior partner’ easily learns they will lose in the end, and so they only argue so long to get their way. It may not settle emotions of the moment, but animosities fade with time. Fading animosities re-open the door to harmony.]

28. Her husband’s game may be hard dictatorial rule. But God designed, nature endows, and hormones energize her to handle him successfully. So long as she cooperates with his nature rather than competes with his dictatorial manner. Her feminine nature guides her to this: 1) She can’t outplay so she must outsmart him. 2) If he liked himself, he wouldn’t be like he is, so she needs to help him like himself, and admiration works best and criticism works worst. 3) She exploits her feminine nature to confirm the wife’s role as pleasantly superior for generating household peace and that makes his dictatorial manner unnecessary. [Guy adds: I can’t add much. Women at birth inherit the relationship expertise to work themselves in, around, over, and under dictatorial rule in the home.]

More tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

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