Tag Archives: mother

2188. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 3: Infant Care and Self-esteem

Mothers, before you rebel and refuse the concept, finish the series. What you do today isn’t bad; no mom intentionally heads her child toward self-destructive behavior. But it happens accidentally or out of ignorance of what makes children tick. IOW, some mom-care is unintentionally ineffective. Trying to use love to convince a child that he likes himself is the prime example addressed in this series.

Self-esteem has a precise definition here. It’s how well a person of any age likes or dislikes himself as a person but not as man or woman. When a person doesn’t like himself as a person, it undermines significantly how well he can like himself as a man or woman and can cause role confusion among other problems.

It’s a natural development phenomenon. Each child’s self-esteem is hardwired into his subconscious mind—his heart as mothers call it— during the infant-care period before his conscious mind opens in the third year of life. Let’s compare two extremes:

  1. One infant is calmly treated preciously and loved endearingly with much fondling and less-than-excitable actions that transmit respect, immense attention, affection, and appreciation. He inherits a sense of high self-esteem, perhaps even self-love aka the highest. Subconscious conviction hardwires his psyche that if others like me, I should like himself.
  2. Another infant is treated terribly, frequently left in discomfort, jerked or handled roughly, yelled at, surrounded by loud and disruptive noises of people or media, unresponsive to caregiver demands, fed carelessly or not regularly, scared often, left to cry in frustration, and treated as unwanted by those around him. He inherits a sense of low self-esteem. Subconscious conviction hardwires his psyche that if others dislike or hate me, I should feel the same. He thereby becomes permanently conditioned to dislike, loathe, or perhaps hate himself, aka the lowest self-esteem. It’s a very high hurdle that anorexics, suicides, et al. never learn to clear.

Imagine a spectrum that runs from self-love on the high end to self-hatred on the low end. Without awareness of what happened, each child inherits from infant caregivers a narrow band of self-like subliminally hardwired into his subconscious mind. It’s the range of his self-esteem. Perhaps near the top, bottom, or somewhere in the middle, a very narrow or slightly wider range is mentally positioned to subconsciously govern his self-development. Never to be available for direct examination or evaluation, it’s inaccessible and unknown except as his feelings are routinely affected by it throughout life. (It also plays a major role in the unpredictability of human behavior.)

High self-esteem prevents a child’s likeness of self to sink very low. Low self-esteem prevents liking oneself very highly. Caregivers unwittingly lock in the range each child has for liking or disliking himself as a person. Not as boy or girl, which is a function of self-image (later). With self-development freedom and the adaptability available with self-image, a child can find many successes in life, which can enable liking himself separate and overpowering of self-esteem, which enables him to produce socially beneficial outcomes rather than self-destructive behavior, which can compensate for poor or inadequate parenting.

It’s a natural process. After the conscious mind opens, the child becomes aware that he’s also a person. Soon afterward he becomes aware he’s either boy or girl, which gives birth to self-respect, which gives birth to the expectation that he deserves equal respect from others, which gives birth to temper tantrums when denied the full expression of his self-respect, which arises out of his aim toward self-development, which emerges from what he inherited at birth and to which was added self-esteem. Out of all that, his attitude reflects how he uses or relies on self-esteem and self-respect to challenge adults who interfere with his self-interest.

(You don’t like a child’s attitude? More love won’t do it very effectively. You can’t change self-esteem, so show more respect, which helps elevate his self-respect, which broadens his ability to self-develop, which generates a better self-image, which enables better self-development, which earns successes, which makes him like himself better, which compensates for low self-esteem, which compensates for poor parenting, which improves his attitude because he likes himself better.)

Toddlers first become aware they too are a person. They have self-respect, can show respect for others, and expect it from other persons. Then, they become aware they are male or female, which triggers a whole new set of ideas that form their self-image, which governs their self-development and as much of their life as they can control.

Self-esteem across society should form a bell curve. However, the incidence of kids with low self-esteem suggests a statistical curve to be skewed far out of bell-shape. I’ve seen no evidence that self-esteem is observable or measurable. What we measure in others is their self-image of how well they can identify how and why they like themselves. If questioned or surveyed, children can only respond with knowledge in their conscious mind. If questioned about treatment before their third year, they have no memory. If mothers are questioned, they have an interest in admitting only to great motherly treatment. So, real self-esteem is undetectable.

A child’s self-esteem is molded completely by those who brought him through infancy. Development of it ends when his conscious mind makes him aware that he is also a person and able to form his own opinions of how he is treated. He’s full of enthusiasm for life, and so the self-esteem he possesses governs his actions as toddler until his self-image forms of how he likes himself.

Lack of knowledge about infant care can mislead both parents into doing wrong things for the mental adaptability of a child. High self-esteem makes a child easily adaptable to the good things in life. Low self-esteem fosters socially bad things. Regardless, whether high or low, the primal urge of self-development empowers the child to ambitiously move onward and upward to his satisfaction for boys and importance for girls.

Self-development is next for tomorrow.

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Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, sex difference

2176. Dating in Mid-life — Part C9: Prepare Against Submission

Gotcha! Prepare against submission? Yes, and do it while dating. No legal, moral, marital, or biblical injunction makes you submit. In fact, both sexes have free will, both are made to be compatible as mates, and to submit means that one side loses. However, superior relationship wisdom enables women to generate win-win regularly if not every time. Your relationship expertise ranks with adaptability and survivability as cardinal traits that enable the irresistible force to move immovable objects.

Your man may not have been taught any better; he might try to enforce submission. You may have to teach him. Indirectly works smoothest and leadership by example works best. Your examples can be absorbed as logic, reason, and the compatible nature of mating. Men look for logic and reason and love the likeability afforded by compatibility.

Marital common sense to teach such things is embedded in the female nature. Not in you? Not to worry. I’m here to help. As you will soon see, submissiveness is the hub around which revolves most of the important family interactions.

When you marry and husband expects you to submit, you steal his thunder by revealing a submissive spirit that shows him how smartly he married. Submissive, it’s an adjective describing you as volunteering; you don’t do mandatory. Why volunteer? Are the following 16 reasons enough?

1) A family can’t stay together with two leaders, too bosses equally yoked to the same undivided responsibility. They eventually fight for dominance. 2) A man won’t conscientiously honor and fulfill his responsibility unless he appears to dominate control of it; it’s his nature and often more ego than logical. 3) You are more flexible, the relationship expert, and the only one capable of balancing and harmonizing all the challenges inherited with family life. Without you taking the home load off of husband, he’s not free enough to earn a good living. 4) Two bosses can be successful only when they agree to having separate responsibilities, and a separation of powers empowers and rewards them both. 5) Children can’t function much less develop successfully, if they have unequal standards and expectations to which they must respond. It causes confusion to reign, teaches rebellion, and kids learn to play one parent against the other. Everyone functions better with only one boss, and kids respond best to mom with backup from her husband. 6) You can’t manage the home without husband’s recognition and acceptance that it is your responsibility, which places you in the follower’s role wherein submissiveness pays off with greater success for both parties. 7) A successful organization needs both a chief executive officer and chief operating officer, CEO as ultimate authority and COO to administer CEO policies. 8) The ultimate authority is no better than the chief operator below who promotes the respect due him, protects his reputation, and preserves his dignity even when he doesn’t deserve it. 9) The next-to-ultimate authority does best when looked upon as supporter and facilitator of CEO’s expectations. 10) Men are satisfied and significant—happy in your words—when someone weaker proves to be stronger in surprising and dedicated ways. 11) Whereas husband can’t do it at least by his nature, you can bring the superiority of your gender into the home—especially adjust-ability and survivability—in ways that everyone benefits. 12) He’s not naturally willing; only you can find ways to balance his dominance against getting your way sufficiently to fulfill your hopes and dreams. 13) Converting from courtship to marriage, you’re capable and understand the wisdom of shifting from the competitive mode of protecting yourself to the cooperative mode of fulfilling your marriage. 14) He’s generally unwilling to do something about it, but you are well enabled to find ways to smooth the rough edges from his dominance. 15) With his constant focus on the present, and your focus more in the future, you’re better situated to adjust to his present-day needs than he to your future aspirations. 16) Submissiveness enables you to impose a rank structure that calms family leadership jitters. In rank order, this works well: husband, wife, mother, father, and children, which splits adult roles into four separate responsibilities for better, more efficient, and more easily acceptable decision making.

Accomplishing all those things fits naturally into your marital persona. He’ll see all the merit once he’s taught by you. Success starts with your submissiveness that so clearly matches up with your relationship expertise and the other blessings you inherit at birth. Then you can fit him into your nest. (You may find other benefits at Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.)

To prepare for dating, I suggest you study those 16 items above for the different roles that you and future husband will fill. Then, measure each man against your imagination of how you two will fill those roles. That is, imagine how his personality would fit yours in this situation, just for example. As his wife and ‘second in command’, you hold him up as more important than the kids. Yet, as their mother, you fight him in favor of the kids. Can and will he help fulfill your hopes and dreams and be Mr. Good Enough? Or…?

You might deny it, but I view it this way. Mystique mystifies you, vanity promotes you, modesty protects you, marriage insures you, and submissiveness elevates you to kingpin in the monogamy-sphere. Nothing else produces a more successful family. You see, when you know what you’re doing, you do everything right for everyone. It’s your superior conscience. That, darling, is what the submissive spirit enables you to do. To give it a fanciful name, I call it sterling wifeliness.


P.S. For background material, you may wish to review the 12-part submission series that runs with interruptions from 2043 to 2058. (Or, two dozen other articles with submissive/submission in title plus a chapter in my book.)



Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, How she wins

2142. Motherhood and Jobs

A favorite author wrote something last year that is very worthy of being republished each year. So, I recommend it to you ladies.

Read the following but don’t thank me. Pass your affirming feedback to her on her blog.

The quality of her work can bless every woman; it’s a clear reminder of the potential worth of woman, when she follows her nature rather than pop culture. Perhaps it can be used to educate a man or two.




Filed under Dear daughter

2125. Mirror Time — Part III: The First Lady

The actions and attitudes of you catering to your prettiness governs your surroundings in an indirect manner. It pleases both sexes. Associating with men motivates you to embellish your female strength—to show your prettiness—which shapes your attitude positively and enables satisfying relationships to form. Such indirect expressions of femininity both help tame the male beast and enable productive relationships to form. The prettier you are, the more respect and less liable to be mistreated; it’s the male nature before conquest.

To paraphrase an old axiom, the woman that magnifies her prettiness is the woman that rocks her world. To do that, you first magnify your own importance to yourself. You do it best when seated in front of a mirror absent the pressure of having to move on to something else. A bonus is attached; the importance you generate with your reflected image resonates with spouse, family, friends, dates, associates, and even enemies.

For example, imagine two wives/mothers arrive at morning breakfast time. One is prettily coiffed, smells great, smiles tenderly, and serves breakfast to the pleasure of family members. She tells husband she will take care of something important so he can get leave with thoughts of how nice it will be to return from work. Son starts to question or argue with mom, she smiles and nods calmly but meaningfully. He stops and carries on with his responsibility.

The second wife/mother arrives after everyone else expects to see her. She’s ‘unpretty’ or worse, her appearance and attitude are without charm. Family fends for its own breakfast. She raises her voice easily, finds fault unjustly, and displays a dislike of both things and people. As servant leader and as authority figure she fails. The family’s spirit sinks as they prepare to start the day.

For the first lady, everyone recognizes she’s THE authority figure and her prettiness both demonstrates and magnifies it. Of what value is the second woman that she lets her family start the day in a dispirited fashion? She lacks authority to influence family to pay her much attention. She fails to give of herself for those she ostensibly loves, and thus displays that her words and actions don’t match. Even kids can read that.

Those two extreme examples aim at this point. The more satisfied you are with your prettiness when you enter family’s life in the morning, the more effective you are as wife/mother/leader/authority figure. Your effectiveness is what sends your family into the world with high spirits for life and the challenges they face today. IOW, were it not for your arming your own spirits by uplifting your prettiness to your satisfaction, your family doesn’t have as much to live for as a good wife and good mother would like. To be the harmonizer of family endeavors, you must first harmonize your own spirits, and uplifting your prettiness offers the best method for success. That’s what mirror time is all about. More to follow of course.


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2049. Submissive #07 — Submissive is More Honorable

I continue with the list of situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. Let me know if the subject is beginning to drag. I have other subjects that I can intersperse. There’s probably 4-6 dailies left in the submissive series—re-titled out of respect for that female blessing endowed at birth.

Nearly synonymous, I often interchange dominance and submission. It depends on which term seems to best fit the situation but in most cases it means the same thing to the woman on the receiving end of typical male expectations.

14. Competition in marriage favors the primary leader—the husband. Cooperation favors the rest of the team—wife/mother and children. Sustaining her team successfully without challenging his role and self-prescribed authority generates peace in the home, which he expects her to deliver. [Guy adds: From such generated peace with husband not interfering, relationship experts generate harmony. It’s a natural urge and it brightens the female future.]

15. The mutual exchange of spouses pleasing each other, combined with going along to get along, smooths out stormy marital ripples. What is the best model to produce it? Women visualize this model, one head of the family leaves room for one neck to turn the head. There’s much to be said for it for three reasons: 1) It works pretty well as a strategic model and discourages wife from wandering deeply into husband’s domains. 2) It proclaims her role to be subordinate and submissive and thus sounds okay to husbands to talk and even joke about it. 3) It casts her in the role of indirect leader rather than trying to lead husband directly by challenging his authority. [Guy adds: Even that model can be improved upon. I’ve described it elsewhere as a family rank structure. It embellishes the influence of the neck and softens the head’s need for dominance. It’s too lengthy for here, but if you’d like to see it let me know. I’ll put it aside for a few days.]

16. During dating, courtship, and engagement, women lay the groundwork to win or lose in the marital power game. As the relationship expert, a very feminine female knows intuitively how to expect and handle a man’s sense of dominance and his expectation for her submission. Unfortunately, not all women listen to their hearts; for various reasons they automatically give in to their man’s expectations. [Guy adds: When women forget or forego living by what their heart tells them, they weaken their political power in the home. For example: She knows that she deserves to be treated respectfully—first as person, second as wife/girlfriend/fiancée, third as prospective mate. When she lets the first sign of disrespect pass without mention, she opens the gate. More will follow. His disrespect poisons their relationship. The only antidote is to squelch it unflinchingly at the first instance and until it stops. Do whatever it takes. Of course, if he doesn’t stop after just a couple instances, he’s nowhere near Mr. Good Enough. Evidence of disrespect means that his respect is insufficient to generate more than just a little love in his heart. So, turn him into Mr. Dumped, because he will never become her Mr. Right even after decades of marriage.]

17. Each woman knows to compete to prevent conquest before she is ready for it. However, she isn’t aware of one part of the male nature. Her discouragement of his initiative wins his respect, which is the foundation of his love. After conquest, however, competing with him weakens her likeability, the very thing he expects to keep him in pursuit. [Guy adds: Directly resisting his dominance is to challenge him. He expects and accepts it before but not after conquest. Unfortunately, women have indirect ways of resisting submission after conquest, but it sours their own attitude and weakens their likeability.]

18. Her boyfriend’s dominant attitude is offensive, domineering, and borderline unacceptable. Red flags wave. What to do? She needs a boyfriend or potential groom. She may be desperate! This one may be her last chance! There have been so few possible candidates lately! What to do? [Guy adds: If she cannot stand to be that dominated before marriage, why should she expect him to be anything but worse after marriage? Men don’t change to please their woman except before conquest, and even that can be faked.]

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.



Filed under courtship

2016. Female Blessings at Birth — 22-24

It’s the eighth group and I’m grateful for whatever feedback you send.

I continue taking the (currently 85) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination.

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or it’s something you learned during life, and so you have no reference point.

Where “Guy adds,” I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge my assumptions.

22. I am worthy of any man but only a few are worthy of me. [Guy adds: Unfortunately, her worthiness is too easily reversible in childhood. Parents are overly challenged and don’t treat children equally as persons but uniquely as boys and girls. It works for the better this way. Fathers pump up their daughters’ sense of self-worth and importance, which girls accept as relative to the source, one man representing all men. Mothers admire their sons’ achievements, which they accept as relative to the source, women. Then, in the romance marketplace, she automatically claims herself worthy and he willingly accepts it as challenge to win her. In the jargon of today, marriage works well with this start-up foundation. He thinks he married over his head and she knows that he did. It springs from natural impulses confirmed before puberty by parents.]
23. I have all the qualities I need to make one man earn me. (However, something inside also tells me I have to work daily to ‘tune up’ those qualities if I hope to keep the admiration of candidates for marriage. [Guy adds: And then, someday, at least one man will see you sufficiently virtuous that he becomes fascinated and devoted enough to see so much promise that he’s willing to yield his independence to capture you as wife.)
24. Something deep inside says I should, so I refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities. I spotlight my objections with critical words or by departing the scene. (No more f- or c- words, porn, or similar filth in my or children’s presence.) [Guy adds: Female sensibilities are personal. You can’t be wrong, so take action and neither complain nor explain, just act. It’s also a primary method by which women set standards to which men are expected to rise, which is one practice that produces a female-friendly society.]

Example for your response: “23-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception.

Thank you for your opinions.



Filed under feminine

2014. Fathering: New Thoughts on It

  • The essence of mother-love is unconditional respect for the child. The essence of father-love is conditional respect based on a mix of four ingredients. 1) The actions he takes to fulfill his sense of duty for raising his offspring. Feelings follow actions and so actions program his heart. 2) The respect the child earns in the father’s eyes. Men don’t respect without reason. Boys don’t either, but before puberty they learn to copy their mother’s respect for others. 3) Fathers respect for the mother is sufficient that he doesn’t want to disappoint her or let her think him incapable or insignificant.
  • Fathers enforce mom’s teaching of obedience but they lack unconditional respect for the child; their respect revolves naturally around kids doing what mom or dad expects. When involved to impose discipline on children, men are more energized to appreciate and preserve their own self-respect than respect the culprit they face. Consequently, a natural gap exists between a woman’s urge to unconditionally respect a child and a man’s expectation that respect be earned. Mom more easily than dad earns a child’s respect. As with men, a boy’s love is founded on respect for the love object. So, son loves father proportional to his respect for dad, which emanates from dad’s trust for son.
  • From toddlerhood to adulthood, children learn to respect others according to the trust they are shown as self-developers. (Boys try it independently and learn by mistakes but girls seek guidance to avoid mistakes.) To the extent they are trusted as self-developers, kids view themselves respected as a person, a boy or girl, and as a member of the family in that order. Later in life, boys self-develop as fathers, which requires they shift roles and give trust to earn the respect of children. (Demanding respect before trusting kids torpedoes the long-range interest of fathers; kids learn not to trust dad.)
  • Consequently, the road of true father-love loops from endless trust for child’s self-development to ever-growing respect for father. Around and around it loops and gathers emotional momentum. But the loop needs an on-ramp. Since a man’s love builds on a foundation of respect, fathers enter the fray awkwardly. They must trust the child first if they are to be respected. (It reminds of this: Wife must first trust husband, if she expects to be respected with emotional faithfulness. Mutual love grows out of trust and respect continually uplifted with both parties adding energy with new initiatives.)
  • Greater trust of child generates greater respect for father, which encourages father to serve better as near-nurturer to the toddler, leader of the prepubescent, and coach to the teen.



Filed under sex differences