Her Highness Mia inquired about clarity on minor subjects, but it prompted me to rant. Nothing she did or said. Just me reminding myself. So, she and you can take yourself personally out of what follows. No accusations aimed your way. However, some of it applies to women everywhere just to the extent they find something of interest to do or undo.
Pointed at all women, the writing just comes better in second person, you, and hopefully reads more interestingly that way.
It doesn’t matter if cheating husband’s other woman is perfect partner or not. If he sought her out, it means you’re not the perfect partner he thought he married. You were the love of his life. So what fractured, shattered, or crumbled his love into nothing with any loyalty left for you? It’s not even a shadow of what left the altar.
I’ve preached it for several years. Positive and affirming emotions such as love and respect do not hold marriages together. Not as much as negative emotions rip marriages apart. Such as a continual bombardment of irritants, criticism implied or stated, and mini-failures to close the gaps of emotional differences. In short, the lack of relationship expertise that recognizes little nods of negative connection and finds ways to abolish them.
Counselors and advisors advise continually on what to do to please your partner. It may help a little but it’s not the answer for marital success. Your time is better spent avoiding what ticks off your partner or spouse. Stop kicking him and kick yourself.
When a husband takes up with another woman, he’s at fault. No way to justify it. However, we can examine his motivational background.
His love depends on his respect for you, so how did you undermine it? Nag? Criticize? Withhold sex? Enable him to feel inadequate in bed? Blame him? Point out his shortcomings? ID his faults? Treat him as uninteresting? Talk endlessly about things of no interest to him? Feed him what you like instead of what he likes? Get up grouchy in the morning? Nag? Do little to please him but expect him to please you continuously? Act grouchy after work? Have too many headaches at night? Refuse to entertain his friends? Resent his hobbies or habits that take him away from you? Dislike yourself and too lazy to do something about it? Forget who you were that attracted him to you? Plan to return to your natural personality once you hooked him? Always act sick with little reason? Manipulate him? Never smile at him? Fail to confirm his importance in your life? Never try to please him for the pleasure it gives you? Keep alive your own negative attitude? Fail to show gratitude for what he does? Fail to show your dependence on who he is? Complain to girlfriends about him? Expose his foibles to others? Show disdain for him in public? Embarrass him? Whine endlessly about all your problems? Fail to teach the kids that dad ranks higher in the pecking order than they do? Fail to grant him the status of family leader? Nag? Spend too much money with the false expectation you will like yourself better? Expect him to make you feel better about yourself? Disturb him unnecessarily at his job? Express complaints about him in front of the kids? Overeat as if you deserve it to feel better about yourself? Fail to acknowledge your secondary role in family matters (as he sees it, darling, not as you suppose it should be)? Fail to step up to your responsibilities for harmony in the home? Fail to use your relationship expertise to generate harmony between the two of you?
Change your habits/personality/behavior from the woman he married? Refer to him minor problems with kids that you could solve if you weren’t fearful the kids would dislike you? Find less interest in him than other people and things outside the home? Fail to read and understand just what goes through his mind during both good and bad relationship incidents? Fail to help him recover from his mistakes and self-caused accidents? Disagree with each other in front of the children? Fail to reward him for special tasks that please you? Overdo pillow talk with irrelevant or unimportant issues? Resent his frustrated sense of independence? Find ways to shame him? Use too many words, rather than silence-that-informs, to plead your case that he upset you? Nag? Resent his rest and recreation with TV and beer immediately after work? Fail to show faith in his judgment when he’s intent on doing things his way (e.g., not asking for directions). Elevate your job as more important than his? Fail to trust him. Resent his earning satisfaction daily at his job while happiness comes to you after years of striving? Disrespect men generally and it leaks over onto him?
You see, I enumerated many ways that you could and perhaps still do that disappoint him. If he provides any feedback, you ignore it. In any event, before he met you at the altar he expected none of the above or he would have left you standing by yourself. Now he takes it out on you. He resents, resists, and eventually retaliates on some simple thread the camel’s back could not carry.
Men are not inclined to stay married to women who are not the same one they married. Some men do it by sneaking off to cheat first. Others let their woman’s surprises turn them into abusers. Still others just walk out. Finally, a few hang around having had their masculine courage smashed into apathy; they prefer the certainty of misery to the uncertainty of change, which then reverses the game by costing them your respect.
Men follow inspiring female leadership in relationships. When will relationship experts learn to lead men respectfully in ways that men accept with dignity and gratefulness? Learn to make themselves more important by making themselves less obvious, less intent on being completely understood, less convinced that only they know what’s proper, and less convinced that micro-management will improve their marriage?
The pinkie finger article is aimed at highlighting your upsets and leaving unstated what you expect out of him. It dumps your displeasure in his lap to do with as he pleases, which gently and without accusing flips his ‘Uh Oh’ switch to read: ‘I probably should not do it that way again’. Self-correction is a much more agreeable meal for him to digest, which makes you as the relationship pinkie-waving ‘cook’ look much more dependable, friendlier, and likeable. He can easily learn that he wants to remain closer to you rather than another.
NOTE: More reasons to justify use of the pinkie will be disclosed in a day or two. If you have reasons, feed them to me and thanks for doing so.