Tag Archives: nagging

1972. Eyes and Ears in Relationships

Background. Judging the behavior of others is a necessary function of life. We judge harshly when others’ actions or words make us feel bad about ourselves. We judge kindly when they make us feel good. It’s not so much what they do, it’s how it impacts us and how our reactions spring from our feelings at the moment. The accumulation of micro judgments compiles into our opinion of the worth to us of the one we judge. However, the process makes a huge turnaround after conquest. Men and women judge quite differently after than before conquest; they primarily use another sensor.

The Natural Way. As hunter-conqueror and sex prey before conquest, his eyes and her ears are the dominant sense organs. Within any relationship that follows conquest, they switch. Their relationship primarily depends upon what he does to and for her and what she says to and about him. Thus, her femaleness urges her to judge by looking at what he does. His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.

Irony follows. His ears and her eyes play the most important roles at energizing their behavior. It explains why innocent actions often offend and reactions often seem to not be directly connected. Such as:

  1. Her nagging assaults his ears, which tends to make him want to avoid the noise by favoring his most natural sensor, his eyes. Perhaps by looking for other attractive females (which means that nagging also reduces her attractiveness).
  2. His laziness spoils her vision of their future.
  3. He hears about her gossiping about him, and he feels doubly offended by her apparent betrayal.
  4. She sees that he won’t ask for a pay raise, and she loses respect for his courage in the mistaken belief that she knows what’s best for him at his job.
  5. She sees him refuse to take time off from work for her, and she feels taken for granted or less important than his job.
  6. He hears her whining about lack of money. He becomes de-motivated instead of energized to do better, especially when he also sees that she’s not as frugal as he and is also well-clothed and -fed.
  7. He hears her speak admirably of another man. First, he feels inadequate in whatever feature/trait she admires. Second, he gets more suspicious than if he sees her talking to some other guy.
  8. She sees him flirting, which to her is worse than hearing him admire another female. (His admiration of another does not register with her as emotional infidelity—at least not at first, that is.)
  9. She sees that he’s extra tight with money. She hears his reasoning but intends to never agree, which separates their interests about money.
  10. She sees him litter the house wherever he goes. She flares visibly and he learns quickly to disregard her.

He trusts his judgment when he can see her reactions, which enables him to more easily disregard her. He figures he sees the full picture; her messages get through loud and clear. But, precisely because of loud and clear, he can easily disregard her. He can more easily identify his interest and weigh his risk.

He’s not so confident of his judgment when he hears her displeasure. He seeks efficiency in his judgments, but he’s less sure he perceives the whole picture, or that he’s gotten the full message clearly. Doubt intrudes. Consequently, her words spoken gently, shrouded in indirectness, crowded with curiosity, and lacking in blame generate delays in his judgments and carry more weight and influence.

Her success in getting what she wants takes us back to this sentence at the top: “His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.” She has to first learn—long courtship maybe?—how to make it habitual with him to listen immediately rather than hearing her and deciding what to do next. When she can close that gap, she emerges on top of relationship communication. Imagine it this way, he isn’t truly devoted until he habitually listens rather than just hears before making judgments. Reduced to the simplest form, true devotion depends on sincere listening at her first words.

Both change after conquest. One major change is that they switch dominant sensors from what prevails outside any subsequent relationship. Relationship management calls for utilizing those phenomena to solidify and harmonize the relationship, which requires relationship expertise that men lack.


Filed under sex differences

1956. Nagging

Her Highness Emma at post 1955 said this. “We need love and constant reminder that I “wife” is the most important person in His life. Somewhere this was lost and the wife becomes the nagging wife trying to get her hubby to show appreciation.” She is right on both counts. My response is to try anything and everything to avoid nagging.

Nagging flows out of the natural motivational differences between the sexes. A woman’s prime motivation in life is to earn a sense of self-importance and she expects input from others to confirm it. Married, she expects primary confirmation from husband. When she figures that he takes her for granted, she cannot live with the uncertainty and so she obligates herself to do something.

Husband seeks self-admiration just as wife seeks self-importance. But husband depends on his accomplishments and internal confirmation whereas wife looks for external confirmation. His accomplishment with marriage is that he earned her. He figures that case is closed. He is obligated to achieve elsewhere in order to produce, provide, protect, and problems solve for his family. That is, fulfill those and other missions in life, among which are his R&R habits of relaxation.

She chooses nagging as the way to fulfill obligations to herself. She feels good doing it, for vengefully expressing her hurt. He hears messages of disapproval that are disconnected from his missions in life. If he is not appreciated, then he is not respected and she is not grateful for him. His sense of duty makes him want to please her; her nagging eats away as that sense of duty. Eventually, he braces up inside, turns to his inner strength, and does not care what she thinks. In parallel, her worth to him diminishes.

He may not leave her but nagging easily leads to living separate lives under the same roof. Wife may adjust to it, but in the long run it is worse than being taken for granted and harder to recover from.

When her irresistible force of wanting him to change meets his immovable object of men do not change to please a conquered woman, something has to give and relationship harmony usually falls first.

His taking her for granted has roots in his acceptance of her excellence. Her nagging has roots in retaliation and revenge sponsored by hurt. Which works best to promote harmony?


Filed under How she loses

1932. Compatibility Axioms #221-230

221. As the expert, she either drives the relationship bus or pitches herself under it.
222. Women wrongly expect their man’s words to program his heart. Not true. His actions program his heart. His words are a reflection of and as reliable as his character.
223. To her, his lack of words speaks more loudly than his actions. Quite the opposite of his view. [106]
224. She appreciates his providing/protecting actions, but she appreciates his words more and especially if they are complimentary, affectionate, and appreciative. That’s her primary reason for being with him, to receive such words as confirmation that their future together remains on track. [106]
225. Of course, it’s not fair. Women that seek equality dealing with men will likely spend a lot of time recycling as an ex. (It’s Nature and modern values are at odds.) [107]
226. She must respect him above all else for who and what he is and does. Each incident of nagging, fault-finding, and indifference works against it. [107]
227. She must be grateful for who and what he is and does. Affection and love do not register with him as her gratitude. [107]
228. His ego and sense of significance are the same. Demeaning his ego discredits his significance. It’s his greatest fear, especially insignificance in his woman’s eyes. [107]
229. A man expects to succeed at husbanding and fathering. Her actions that apparently recognize his success provide enough reward. Her confirming words are not nearly as effective. [107]
230. Rewards for her are fewer than she expects in the short-term. Her major rewards come over the long haul as her indispensability for home and family matures. [107]


Filed under Dear daughter

1227. Separate Lives Under Same Roof

No one searching for faults or trying fruitlessly to change another can be grateful for that person. Gratitude grows from appreciation, not faultfinding. Happiness grows from gratefulness, not wishful thinking. Lifetime marriages sour on the tentacles of ungratefulness, criticism, and disrespectful opinions of one’s spouse. 

  • When wife treats husband as immature or parents him as a child, it shifts his mental state back toward adolescence and WADWMUFGAO.* His ego seeks solace and takes the teen way out, so he cheats emotionally or physically.
  • Wife makes maintaining her imperial nest more important than retaining her man. He quietly balks and finds interests other than with her.
  • A wife finds faults, criticizes, and constantly tries to improve husband. His commitment weakens as he feels her pressure trying to change him. It grates on his masculine fiber, insults his manly nature, and primes him for departure.
  • A wife can lose her man easily. If she makes him choose between his job and her, she should be prepared to lose something significant – quite possibly him. It is not that he loves her less than his job, but his self-worth arises from his job more than from his woman’s affection.
  • Immature men dominate the home without showing much kindness, gratitude, or generosity. Such men reveal their nature early in relationships. Women can spot it in courtship. Generally, the immature man’s thinking, habits, and expectations revolve around younger values, standards, and ideals important mostly to teenagers but retained into adulthood.

The presence of nagging, whining, and overspending eventually outweighs the presence of good sex, good food, and good company. Over a lifetime the negatives never stop their emotional disturbances. But, the positives become common and routine. Both marriages and cohabiting fade when the fast growing kudzu vine of negatives smothers all the homey sunlight of liking one another.

* We All Do What Makes Us Feel Good About Ourselves.


Filed under How she loses

749. Gender Differences Revisited — Group N

  1. Sex to her is giving of herself. To him, it’s taking—especially their first time together.  
  2. She is the expert on relationships and bonding. He is the expert on sex and escaping.
  3. Starting at puberty, boys are turned off by female nagging—unless she’s a sex target as yet unconquered. It’s natural and for life.
  4. Women hunger for marriage. Men can easily do without.
  5. A man’s confidence emanates from his self-image, his picture of who and what he is. A woman’s emanates from her self-esteem, how well she likes herself as a person, her self-love.
  6. The masculine way is eat to enjoy life. The feminine way is eat to sustain life.
  7. The sexual pleasures for a woman are far outweighed by the other things she needs for a happy life. Men for the most part let sex substitute for whatever else is missing.
  8. Therapeutic recovery for a man lies within his work or doing something. A woman mostly relies on time for healing while unloading anguish to the sympathetic and empathetic ears of friends.

1 Comment

Filed under sex differences

739. Next to the Last Straw

Great bonding brings couples together, but it doesn’t keep them glued as one. Instead, unresolved disagreements and small irritants pile up to dissolve the glue and cover a relationship with rubbish. It smothers from the accumulation of irritants of which these offend men:

  1. Embarrass him in public
  2. Make him appear insignificant or treat him that way
  3. Elevate kids over father or especially over him as husband
  4. Show disloyal spirit toward him
  5. Threaten, remind, or present him with sexual infidelity
  6. Nag him beyond what he calls nagging (A nagatha per Mrs. Guy)
  7. Challenge him as family CEO in front of others
  8. Fail to provide what he expects as normal routine
  9. Boss him around in what he considers his castle
  10. Belittle him especially before the kids or friends
  11. Withhold sex without health or physical reason
  12. Manipulate him
  13. Harp on his weaknesses
  14. Reproach him before others
  15. Groom carelessly such that his attention on her fades
  16. Favor masculine vs. feminine appearances
  17. Use feminist themes to get her way
  18. Show unexpected immodesty
  19. Show disrespect for him
  20. Show her lack of or reduced self-respect
  21. Overspend against his will
  22. Reflect indifference to his sexual performance
  23. Distance herself from close association with him
  24. Make her interests dictate his behavior
  25. Present him with her problems that defy his solutions

I’m not qualified to compile a list for women. If some deal-breaking irritants for women are sent to me, I’ll provide editorial treatment and publish them as if women need to be told.


Filed under How she loses

657. Keepers for Keepers — Assortment 20

  • Some women believe in little, so they tend to believe whatever a man says. This makes them soft-headed. [19]
  • Having unmarried sex with a man bonds her, but not him. This keeps her from objectively evaluating him as potential Mr. Right. [17]
  • Providing sex easily, she acts as the seller before conquest. It’s her as buyer before the altar, and seller afterward that leads to marital permanence. [12]
  • Males crown their natural aggression and dominance with violence, unless women tame, civilize, and domesticate them. [18]
  • A woman thrives on her man’s devoted attentions, because it confirms her value and importance to him. [4]
  • Nagging and criticizing a man don’t teach him to lather affection on her, because both alienate him. [18]
  • First things first: A woman needs to obey her female nature to become extraordinary so a man will marry her for keeps. [17]
  • Respect to, gratefulness for, and dedication pledged to and kept with one man inspires masculine fidelity, but it doesn’t guarantee it. [7]

Leave a comment

Filed under Dear daughter

644. Response to Viewer — Item 15a

I dedicate this article to Her Highness Princess Rita, who posed a tough one:

Question: How does “a wife train her husband (to be more intimate, for example) without nagging him into the arms of another woman?” She really is asking: How can I get husband to adjust some bad habits that I dislike.

Answer: She does it indirectly, charmingly, and femininely after considering what she’s up against. (I stick with intimacy as the example.)

·        Men aren’t hormonally driven the same as women. Intimacy connects to sex but little else, and even then it’s mostly foreplay.

·        Men are highly results oriented, so intimacy appears unproductive except as prelude to sex. This means it has purpose for a short while and ends quickly.

·        Finding fault with a man’s shortcomings for intimacy sends the message he’s sexually inadequate. It’s worse than nagging.

·        Men are not energized by touching, cuddling, and deeply intimate behaviors. However, most men learn to provide frequent short bursts to please their woman or even please their selves.

·        He doesn’t identify with her need, because the need signals weakness for a man. To participate smoothly he must have a strong, protective, guardian role.

That describes husband. She’s up tomorrow at post 645.a


Filed under sex differences