Tag Archives: nagging

2269. Compatibility Axioms #891-900


891. Nagging doesn’t get more offensive than that which tampers with his sense of sexual significance. [298]

892. Marital longevity shortens under pressure of sexually accessible women outside the home. The sisterhood’s sexual freedom thus devalues marriage. [298]

893. To satisfy their self-centeredness and exercise their will over others, women use conditional love to manipulate their man and raise their children. The effect torments everyone. OTOH, both husbands and children appreciate unconditional love, which they know they don’t deserve. When wife and mother provide it, she earns magnificence beyond what she deserves. [298]

894. The more that women practice masculine-style sexual freedom, the more dedicated becomes the sex-chasing lifestyle of men. Things both marital and domestic lose their allure. [298]

895. Trying to change a man sours his affection for whoever tries. Her pressure for more affection produces the opposite of what she seeks. [298]

896. After split up, she’s the only one qualified to tell her how wrong she may have been. But listening to others tell of things she did right eases her pain. [298]

897. When she abrogates her role as relationship expert, she loses strength for easing his dominance. [299]

898. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Finances—or more accurately for here, squabbles about indebtedness and spending—stimulate break up more than almost anything else.  [301]

899. Marriage vows express devotion to each other. Unplanned, unnecessary, and surprise spending and indebtedness can easily kill such devotion. [301]

900. The continual practice of spending less than income reinforces devotion to each other. Teamwork bonds. [301]

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2077. Compatibility Axioms #491-500


All that follows below is based on the natures of men and women as they are born. Women have to figure out what’s best for them given the lessons they have learned in life and the relationships they enter.

491.Inability to conquer a woman focuses a man’s mind on one thing—getting it done by whatever it takes. But then conquest releases him to focus on something or somebody else. [172]

492. Men as hunter-conquerors always take interest in new targets whether in chase mode or not. [172]

493. Fellatio doubles down on ‘will you respect me in the morning’?

494. Sex deferred until marriage maximizes her as a highly feminine matrimonial target. Only a ‘giant of a man’—in his eyes that is himself, his royal studliness—could beat out all those other competitors for her made evermore worthy of investing himself by her impenetrable chastity. [174]

495. When all women cut way back on providing unmarried sex, the effective rationing makes men sell themselves more assertively. By force of habit and drive to succeed, this turns them into more dependable investors in and guardians of female interests. [174]

496. Morality serves women much more than men. To the extent a woman fails to live within and uphold a self-imposed strong moral code, she can expect mistreatment by men and consequent mistreatment of herself by herself. [175]

497. Women choose to ignore this benefit dealing with a man. When she repeatedly refuses their first-time sex, he honors her wishes, explores her qualities, heeds her strengths, and accepts her weaknesses. More importantly, she learns whether he’s after her or just after sex. (Details appear in posts about Virtual Virginity.) [175]

498. Women use sex to capture men for short-term benefits. Long-term relationships are thus greatly weakened. [175]

499. Men expect respect and gratitude from their woman. Her encouragement and cheering him onward and upward provides it. Nagging and criticism nullify it. [175]

500. Women yield first time sex to men who threaten to leave. Whether a man bluffs or not, if she yields he loses respect for her. Next step: Dumped. He followed his nature and she abandoned hers. [175]

 

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2025. Likeability — Part I


The point has been made before. The accumulation of negative irritants and minor offenses can dissolve a relationship bit by bit and do it more easily than original reasons for mating can hold a couple together. Major negative influences easily lead to terminal disruption, such as these.

  • Everyday carelessness in her appearance weakens his desire to look upon her as worthy of his investment. Men hate to be reminded that they may or in fact did err, and their imagination magnifies whatever mistake they do nothing about.
  • Emotional outbursts weaken respect. Hers have the most damaging effect because his love is based on respect for her. Her respect of him is not as vital but still accumulates with all the other little things about him that turn her off.
  • Emotional infidelity weakens his desirability, because women refuse to play second fiddle in their man’s life. He’s not nearly as sensitive to her emotional infidelity, but her physical unfaithfulness outweighs all reason for keeping her.
  • Nagging weakens her likeability and indolence weakens his.

In fact, likeability is underrated as marital glue and is the subject of Part II tomorrow.

 

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1972. Eyes and Ears in Relationships


Background. Judging the behavior of others is a necessary function of life. We judge harshly when others’ actions or words make us feel bad about ourselves. We judge kindly when they make us feel good. It’s not so much what they do, it’s how it impacts us and how our reactions spring from our feelings at the moment. The accumulation of micro judgments compiles into our opinion of the worth to us of the one we judge. However, the process makes a huge turnaround after conquest. Men and women judge quite differently after than before conquest; they primarily use another sensor.

The Natural Way. As hunter-conqueror and sex prey before conquest, his eyes and her ears are the dominant sense organs. Within any relationship that follows conquest, they switch. Their relationship primarily depends upon what he does to and for her and what and how she says to and about him. Thus, her femaleness urges her to judge by looking at what he does. His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.

Irony follows. His ears and her eyes play the most important roles at energizing their behavior. It explains why innocent actions often offend and reactions often seem to not be directly connected. Such as:

  1. Her nagging assaults his ears, which tends to make him want to avoid the noise by favoring his most natural sensor, his eyes. Perhaps by looking for other attractive females (which means that nagging also reduces her attractiveness).
  2. His laziness spoils her vision of their future.
  3. He hears about her gossiping about him, and he feels doubly offended by her apparent betrayal.
  4. She sees that he won’t ask for a pay raise, and she loses respect for his courage in the mistaken belief that she knows what’s best for him at his job.
  5. She sees him refuse to take time off from work for her, and she feels taken for granted or less important than his job.
  6. He hears her whining about lack of money. He becomes de-motivated instead of energized to do better, especially when he also sees that she’s not as frugal as he and is also well-clothed and -fed.
  7. He hears her speak admirably of another man. First, he feels inadequate in whatever feature/trait she admires. Second, he gets more suspicious than if he sees her talking to some other guy.
  8. She sees him flirting, which to her is worse than hearing him admire another female. (His admiration of another does not register with her as emotional infidelity—at least not at first, that is.)
  9. She sees that he’s extra tight with money. She hears his reasoning but intends to never agree, which separates their interests about money.
  10. She sees him litter the house wherever he goes. She flares visibly and he learns quickly to disregard her.

He trusts his judgment when he can see her reactions, which enables him to more easily disregard her. He figures he sees the full picture; her messages get through loud and clear. But, precisely because of loud and clear, he can easily disregard her. He can more easily identify his interest and weigh his risk.

He’s not so confident of his judgment when he hears her displeasure. He seeks efficiency in his judgments, but he’s less sure he perceives the whole picture, or that he’s gotten the full message clearly. Doubt intrudes. Consequently, her words spoken gently, shrouded in indirectness, crowded with curiosity, and lacking in blame generate delays in his judgments and carry more weight and influence.

Her success in getting what she wants takes us back to this sentence at the top: “His maleness urges him to judge after hearing that she says something and, if relevant to his interest, listening to what she says.” She has to first learn—long courtship maybe?—how to make it habitual with him to listen immediately rather than hearing her and deciding what to do next. When she can close that gap, she emerges on top of relationship communication. Imagine it this way, he isn’t truly devoted until he habitually listens rather than just hears before making judgments. Reduced to the simplest form, true devotion depends on sincere listening at her first words.

Both change after conquest. One major change is that they switch dominant sensors from what prevails outside any subsequent relationship. Relationship management calls for utilizing those phenomena to solidify and harmonize the relationship, which requires relationship expertise that men lack.

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1956. Nagging


Her Highness Emma at post 1955 said this. “We need love and constant reminder that I “wife” is the most important person in His life. Somewhere this was lost and the wife becomes the nagging wife trying to get her hubby to show appreciation.” She is right on both counts. My response is to try anything and everything to avoid nagging.

Nagging flows out of the natural motivational differences between the sexes. A woman’s prime motivation in life is to earn a sense of self-importance and she expects input from others to confirm it. Married, she expects primary confirmation from husband. When she figures that he takes her for granted, she cannot live with the uncertainty and so she obligates herself to do something.

Husband seeks self-admiration just as wife seeks self-importance. But husband depends on his accomplishments and internal confirmation whereas wife looks for external confirmation. His accomplishment with marriage is that he earned her. He figures that case is closed. He is obligated to achieve elsewhere in order to produce, provide, protect, and problems solve for his family. That is, fulfill those and other missions in life, among which are his R&R habits of relaxation.

She chooses nagging as the way to fulfill obligations to herself. She feels good doing it, for vengefully expressing her hurt. He hears messages of disapproval that are disconnected from his missions in life. If he is not appreciated, then he is not respected and she is not grateful for him. His sense of duty makes him want to please her; her nagging eats away as that sense of duty. Eventually, he braces up inside, turns to his inner strength, and does not care what she thinks. In parallel, her worth to him diminishes.

He may not leave her but nagging easily leads to living separate lives under the same roof. Wife may adjust to it, but in the long run it is worse than being taken for granted and harder to recover from.

When her irresistible force of wanting him to change meets his immovable object of men do not change to please a conquered woman, something has to give and relationship harmony usually falls first.

His taking her for granted has roots in his acceptance of her excellence. Her nagging has roots in retaliation and revenge sponsored by hurt. Which works best to promote harmony?

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1932. Compatibility Axioms #221-230


221. As the expert, she either drives the relationship bus or pitches herself under it.
222. Women wrongly expect their man’s words to program his heart. Not true. His actions program his heart. His words are a reflection of and as reliable as his character.
223. To her, his lack of words speaks more loudly than his actions. Quite the opposite of his view. [106]
224. She appreciates his providing/protecting actions, but she appreciates his words more and especially if they are complimentary, affectionate, and appreciative. That’s her primary reason for being with him, to receive such words as confirmation that their future together remains on track. [106]
225. Of course, it’s not fair. Women that seek equality dealing with men will likely spend a lot of time recycling as an ex. (It’s Nature and modern values are at odds.) [107]
226. She must respect him above all else for who and what he is and does. Each incident of nagging, fault-finding, and indifference works against it. [107]
227. She must be grateful for who and what he is and does. Affection and love do not register with him as her gratitude. [107]
228. His ego and sense of significance are the same. Demeaning his ego discredits his significance. It’s his greatest fear, especially insignificance in his woman’s eyes. [107]
229. A man expects to succeed at husbanding and fathering. Her actions that apparently recognize his success provide enough reward. Her confirming words are not nearly as effective. [107]
230. Rewards for her are fewer than she expects in the short-term. Her major rewards come over the long haul as her indispensability for home and family matures. [107]

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1227. Separate Lives Under Same Roof


No one searching for faults or trying fruitlessly to change another can be grateful for that person. Gratitude grows from appreciation, not faultfinding. Happiness grows from gratefulness, not wishful thinking. Lifetime marriages sour on the tentacles of ungratefulness, criticism, and disrespectful opinions of one’s spouse. 

  • When wife treats husband as immature or parents him as a child, it shifts his mental state back toward adolescence and WADWMUFGAO.* His ego seeks solace and takes the teen way out, so he cheats emotionally or physically.
  • Wife makes maintaining her imperial nest more important than retaining her man. He quietly balks and finds interests other than with her.
  • A wife finds faults, criticizes, and constantly tries to improve husband. His commitment weakens as he feels her pressure trying to change him. It grates on his masculine fiber, insults his manly nature, and primes him for departure.
  • A wife can lose her man easily. If she makes him choose between his job and her, she should be prepared to lose something significant – quite possibly him. It is not that he loves her less than his job, but his self-worth arises from his job more than from his woman’s affection.
  • Immature men dominate the home without showing much kindness, gratitude, or generosity. Such men reveal their nature early in relationships. Women can spot it in courtship. Generally, the immature man’s thinking, habits, and expectations revolve around younger values, standards, and ideals important mostly to teenagers but retained into adulthood.

The presence of nagging, whining, and overspending eventually outweighs the presence of good sex, good food, and good company. Over a lifetime the negatives never stop their emotional disturbances. But, the positives become common and routine. Both marriages and cohabiting fade when the fast growing kudzu vine of negatives smothers all the homey sunlight of liking one another.

* We All Do What Makes Us Feel Good About Ourselves.

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