Tag Archives: needs

514. The ABCs when B stands for Men


As pointed out for women in a previous post, God also designed and Nature genetically and hormonally endows males. But males are not endowed for relationship compatibility as women are. Consequently, a male’s primal urges are seldom in harmony with the nature of one female, until she harmonizes their duet on the key of sex.

J Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs their progress, associate so as to compete with other men, and shape and control human events. This includes, oftentimes top of mind, fulfilling a man’s competitive urge to conquer women. (His sexual urge does not require conquest, only a partner.)

J Men have one overwhelming need that makes everything else minor, regardless of how they seem to act even to the contrary. A man absolutely needs only a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare himself for tomorrow. A hut will do, but if a woman does it for him, he judges her castle building by how it supports his work.

J A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as unique, as a competitor, as a person of significance. He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting—especially in the spare time he earned from working at his job. (His pastimes may or may not include his woman, which is good reason why long courtships work better to weave herself as valuable into more than the domestic side of his life.)

J More than anything else, a man fears insignificance measured against other men, his job, the world, or his responsibilities. It’s especially fearful when concluded from what his woman says and does. The lack of freedom to do his work as he sees fit also breeds insignificance.

J A man focuses primarily on the present. His time focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete or do battle, and this mandates that he pay more attention to the immediate and its challenges. It also comes from his single-mindedness.

Not the act but the issues that surround coitus help determine the success of male-female relationships. Next article covers conflict.

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342. Ties that bind, or not! — Their needs


Self-interest motivates everyone to do what they do, but it also conflicts with what a spouse expects.

 

She needs a brighter future for her family. Mature women exploit their relationship expertise. They work for stable security and promote family development, closeness, and harmony. Immature women seek materialistic brighteners—more money, continuous shopping, unaffordable housing.

 

Those things are not that important to men. Their male nature focuses more on the present than the future. Wife expects husband to respond favorably to her wishes about their future. However, it takes skill so as not to interfere with his near-term thinking, interests, and plans.

 

Mature wives focus and coach husband on building and sustaining their marriage. Immature wives pressure husband for greater effort, for more and better of whatever he does. (When he never measures up, it sends loud messages that he’s inadequate and may even be insignificant.)

 

His needs are far simpler than hers. He only needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’.

 

Such a place is easy to come by elsewhere. Consequently, in marriage he expects fun and comfort to compensate for loss of independence.

 

It’s her home to build and dominate. When she does it well, it’s a castle to him.

 

Tradeoffs leads to cooperation—good! Disrespect for their opposing natures leads to competition—ungood!

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341. Ties that bind, or not! —Their drives


     Sweetheart love, the sweetest, melts into smooth flowing and enduring love, the deepest. But spouses have opposing natures and primal urges that conflict beneath the love they share.

She’s driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones, and he’s the primary target in the early years.

But further, she expects him to produce, provide, protect, and problem-solve to assist with whatever she needs.

His naturally independent nature responds: He simply does the best he can. His best fades, however, if she fails to fully respect his primary self-interest, next.

He’s driven to make himself significant, to overcome Nature and other barriers, compete with men, succeed in the workplace, and shape human events. It’s his role in life, and progress and accomplishment are their own rewards.

Her naturally grateful heart responds: If he’ll do those things on my behalf, I’ll reward him for husbanding and fathering. 

Merging these natural differences compatibly leads to cooperation—good! Failure to recognize and respect these differences leads to competition—ungood!

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247. Newlywed Bonding #4 —Money as glue


Every couple has two options: Become enslaved to money, or make money their slave. Marriages fail more from financial problems than anything else.

We survived, but barely. We were broke for the first two decades of our marriage. Out of money before out of month. We tried everything. Grace managed money, and I overspent. I managed, and she overspent. We tried something else, and we both overspent. No savings, no cushion, nothing but repeated loans to consolidate debts.

Then, we hit paydirt. We developed a simple system that worked wonderfully. We prioritized our needs and wants and funded them with whatever we had.

We turned money into our slave. Overnight we went from broke to rich, meaning we had enough money for everything we needed, and some for what we wanted. We grew ever richer as we methodically eliminated credit card debt.

Details follow in future posts.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

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110. Matrimony or acrimony?


How women integrate and harmonize these factors into their marriage can determine the outcome.

§  Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. This empowers them to become relationship experts, which positions them to know how to successfully swap interests with a man for marriage. Men have neither such expertise nor interest.

§  Men are driven to compete with Nature, against other men, and to control and shape human events. Their sex drive is but a subset, because women can easily tame male aggression and sex drive through social and personal values, standards, and expectations. (Men prefer fingernails on a slate chalk board to competing with women, especially their wife. Not in simple games, but in the major processes of life, in key decision-making and bringing home the bacon. Modern women do not like it, but they also do not like the marital collapse that follows when they don’t heed their man’s natural inclination.)

§  A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. She seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To fulfill these needs, she must give of herself to a help-mate, or do it alone and lonesome.

§  Men absolutely need only one thing, a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’. If she does not want to maintain at least a hut for him, someone else will.

§  Women do not absolutely need a man, but they want company. Her primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her, so one man best fulfills her wants.

§  He wants the freedom to do as he chooses, especially to make himself stand out as a competitor, his own man, a man of significance.  He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting even in his spare time.  She must pay a continuing price for him to curtail his freedom in favor of her.

§  A woman’s time focus emerges from her primal need to brighten her future. Most of her present-day concerns were handled as part of yesterday’s future. She dreams a lot about enhancing and making her relationship more solid.

§  A man’s time focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete, which mandates that he focus on today and its problems. He knows full well he can solve tomorrow’s problems, when they arrive. Where women dream about the future, his primary concern for the future revolves around what he can do today to prepare for tomorrow. 

 

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