Tag Archives: nurture

2335. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part IX


Tactical Parenting: Encouraging Tweens

Tweens: The tween phase is marked by outside influences forcing parents to change their minds about accepting the way their child thinks. Home life is as non-disruptive as good parenting prepares toddlers to value home life over all else. It is as disruptive as parents don’t enable their toddler’s to succeed in self-development and compound their consequent good feelings about themselves into loyalty to home and family.

But that’s enough about what parents should have done. Now, what can they do? (Numbered only for easy reference.)

  1. Abandon nurturing as the primary technique of connecting. To the greatest extent possible, use leadership by example. Tweens are through listening; they want to choose their paths alone except as they seek guidance over unexpected humps.
  2. Mom’s expressions of love such as hugs and kisses are expected but losing their importance. Respect, trust, and admiration carry much more convincing weight with tweens.
  3. Both parents demonstrate how to live up to something bigger that themselves—God, principles, standards, predictability, dependability, peaceful accord, loving one another, family. Always something bigger than personal opinion, feelings, or anger-stirred insistence. It enables and legitimizes parents to take the heat off of competition caused by child putting peers in the middle against parents.
  4. Keep the home friendly and familiar, a refuge. Outsiders are not the enemy, but they are less important except to tweens.
  5. Dependably and daily show interest by inquiring about accomplishments and spotlighting success from purposely doing things that contribute to development toward maturity and adulthood rather than getting along, building popularity, etc.
  6. Show trust by not getting excited about undesirable peer influence. As a matter of fact, the less parents get upset, the more easily kids learn that parents are both legitimate and worthy of being listened to.
  7. Spotlight tween’s ability to recognize right and wrong, fair and unfair, desirable and undesirable for the long term, what’s right for them. Encourage them to think more than feel.
  8. Without finding fault, encourage tweens to weigh options and decide what is greater success outside the home and how to get there. Be patient, it takes a while for kids to bridge the gap and learn to keep parents happy and peers friendly.
  9. Don’t find fault in peers, find fault in their values, standards, and expectations that differ from those taught the toddler and upheld for the tween.
  10. Find ways to enable boys to find satisfaction with themselves through accomplishments. School work is best. Having a job is great. Helping mom at home is essential. Make sure they have responsibility to match their maturity and they learn to fulfill it without animosity. If boys find satisfaction in what they are doing that has parental blessing, parents should not worry much.
  11. Find ways to enable girls to make themselves feel important in school, home, and to parents in the hope that their importance relating with others will not overtake family relations. If girls find self-importance in what they are doing that has parental blessing, parents should not worry much. A girl’s relations makes her feel good, but what she accomplishes develops her self-image and sense of self-worth.
  12. Teach that authority figures may not always be right, but they must be obeyed. If the child doesn’t like it, they can do differently when they are adults and have the authority to judge as appropriate for time, place, and incident. (To undercut authority figures is to also undercut parental authority. Whatever the parental good intentions, elevating child over authority figure teaches them to depend on others from which they also learn to plot, play, and manipulate parents against teachers and others.)
  13. Aspirations and ambitions to duplicate heroes energize children too. As toddler, heroes are found in parents. Tween boys especially look elsewhere for new heroes. Girls are not so adventurous to look elsewhere unless their current relations leave much to be desired.
  14. Heroes inspire ambitions to be a better person, which promotes mature growth. Celebrity worship highlights aspirations to have what someone else has and inspires envy and jealousy. Find ways as parent to be more admirable, hopefully hero-like as a mature adult, and don’t let children see celebrity worship in the home.
  15. When parents admire celebrities and tend to worship them, children see parents as admitting inadequacy. Subliminally the message settles into their hearts that they too must be inadequate. They don’t have enough. They easily mistake celebrities for heroes against whom they measure their own inadequacies and seek satisfaction in celebrity worship. Tweens are very vulnerable to making such a mistake, especially when parents set the example of it.
  16. Isolate boys and girls as objects of distinctly different characteristics, interest, respect, and trust. Reinforce the differences in every way practicable. The more they are NOT treated as distinctively different, the more mixed up sexually the girls will be both sooner and later in life.
  17. Females can’t have what politics promises relative to males and their nature tells them what’s right. The two are mutually exclusive. (The subject is too complex for here, but it has been described in articles titled Dark Side of Feminism and elsewhere throughout the blog.)
  18. Don’t nurture boys except to help recover from bad physical hurt, and then only minimally to show trust that he can handle whatever happened. Boys develop more manly when they convince themselves of their ability to meet all challenges and overcome or recover.
  19. Nurture girls in early tweens and morph away from it as time passes. They are slower than boys to develop self-confidence and independence for handling and acting on their feelings. (Boys act with little regard for feelings and so they learn from trial and error more quickly than girls.)
  20. Lead by example. Self-developing kids want to become adults and do best when they figure out how by following examples they select, which means they respect the models they use.
  21. Don’t aim at raising good kids; they become poor adults. Try to aim them at becoming good adults, and they will become at least acceptable and perhaps better-than-average kids.
  22. Kids more than parents have to keep up with their peers. The more that children hear parents talk enviously or jealously about what other adults do—e.g., keeping up with the Jones—the more deliberately that kids want to follow suit with peers.

Parental preparation for the tweens—i.e., raising toddlers—largely determines how children pass from first grade to puberty. The biggest challenge in the tween years is the child learning to play peers against parents. Unless inculcated with significant respect, trust, and dependence on parents to feel good about themselves, tween loyalty morphs predominantly into peer loyalty. They learn to succeed and feel good by heeding and duplicating peers to prove their worth outside the home. Unfortunately, too many and too easily find it more to their liking, which symbolizes less than ideal upbringing as toddler.

——

P.S. Her Majesty Grace had specific expressions she used in private with each of three sons. Her oldest and most precious. Her middlest and most precious. And her youngest and most precious. At that moment they were her most precious. And, it gave her an acceptable and endearing way to close every nurturing or counseling session. It has humored our family ever since it was disclosed to the boys in their forties.

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1986. Self-gratitude—A New Beginning


 I’m frustrated. I can’t get the subject organized and written as I would like. So, I start at the back-end and will let your questions bring out the reasoning and details for a front end.

Women have to earn happiness, and it’s a three-step process. First, they find gratitude within themselves for who and what they are. Second, they find gratitude for other people and things in their lives. Third, they continually reinforce self-gratitude for two reasons. 1) It tends to easily weaken by comparisons to other people. 2) You can find gratefulness outside of yourself only to the extent that self-gratitude floods you own persona. The more grateful for self, the more gratitude you can find and appreciate until you realize that you’re happy.

After more than six years and a million words written, I’ve concluded lack of self-gratitude is the severest and self-induced shortcoming among females. It causes less control of self, which leads them into misery in the multiplex of singleness, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, despair, divorce, depression, and gloom and doom. They pay too little attention to keeping their self-gratitude sufficiently inflated and pay too high a price at the box office of society.

So, I have compiled a list of things that should make women grateful when they adopt and embody them as values, standards, and self-expectations. The list is a start. I will maintain it by editing as readers convince me I should. I will also add new things at the top so readers can immediately see that new ones have been added.

You need to make a believer of yourself about each item that can be fitted into your personality, belief system, and roles in life. Remember this as you study each item. You can’t be grateful for yourself until you show yourself that you’re worthy by living up to your own standards and expectations. You have to live up to yourself in order to generate the self-worth that steadies and readies you to associate gratefully with others.

I suggest that you adopt, review, and rehearse daily until you believe some or all of the factors listed below. Consider your whole life in light of each. Where and how does each fit into your life? How does the absence of such beliefs make your life less worthy or successful? How does or can the presence of each improve your life? Make as many as possible a part of your convictions and beliefs. Start here by visualizing yourself.

I am grateful for myself because I:

  1. [Next new one goes here]
  2. [Have] the strength to do the right thing and live up to the expectations of those I have been giving the gift of caring for. [MLaRowe]
  3. As a nurse can help others. [from Nancy]
  4. Have a nice, more attractive body hiding inside me that I can bring into the light of my world. I’m especially grateful that I finally began to restore it.
  5. Can convert the worth I see in others into value for my life and vice versa.
  6. Depend on my man by doing for him rather than him doing for me.
  7. Am capable more of giving that taking and am grateful for each opportunity to prove myself to myself.
  8. Am capable of finding new ways every day by which to show to my man how he is respected for who he is and what he does.
  9. Am vital to the people in my life and grateful that I can read the signs of it.
  10. Can seek God’s forgiveness to relieve my self-blame and guilt.
  11. Am worth any man but only a few are worthy of me. I have all the qualities I need to make one earn me and I work daily to make those qualities become virtues in the eyes of the best men.
  12. Refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities by spotlighting my objection with word or departure. No more F- or C- words or similar filth in my presence, and that’s just for starters.
  13. Grieve at the loss of a loved one with this firm conviction lodged in my heart. They would not have wanted me to miss a single good day of life if they thought they were the cause.
  14. Have learned that commitment is of the mind and mouth and devotion speaks of the heart through actions.
  15. Recognize my man is short of providing all the affection that I would like to have. But he provides enough and I’m just glad our roles aren’t reversed such I would be the one accused of giving too little.
  16. Recognize that my man’s handiness is the birthright equivalent of my prettiness. Pleasing each other comes easily in those domains.
  17. Have my personality and roles wrapped up in the urge to be important to me and others. My free will enables me to make the best choices that maximize the benefits to all concerned.
  18. Enjoy promoting my man’s sexual performance and ignoring whatever shortcomings I may detect. It’s such a vital part of his sense of significance that I am unable to let my attitude be construed as a threat.
  19. Get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones.
  20. Want a man of my own, but who is unchangeable except before conquest and after many years of age when more maturity and less testosterone morph him into Mr. Right.
  21. Use to our advantage how my man focuses primarily on the present and I focus primarily on the future.
  22. Promote my man’s producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving as the primary foundation for the strengthening and preservation of our family.
  23. Can assuage my fear of abandonment by promoting and helping my man promote his sense of significance.
  24. Am the primary determinant for brightening my future within our future together. It all depends on the choices I make, man I choose, and relationship we develop with my relationship expertise.
  25. Appreciate myself more when I depend on my modest nature to guide me.
  26. Can touch up my appearance in numerous ways and places and endlessly please myself with how truly pretty I am.
  27. Feel better about myself when I dress and act more feminine and less like men.
  28. Am honest in all affairs of the heart. I can handle the disappointments it may cause, because I’m overly grateful when Mr. Not Goodenough departs.
  29. Have so many blessings to count. Let me see now, which are the best at this moment in my life?
  30. Think enough of myself that I can help bear the burdens of someone else.
  31. Forget after I forgive. Forgiveness is the true expression of ultimate power, and true forgiveness causes the giver to forget.
  32. Appreciate and use my instinct and intuition that prompts me to be kind and tender hearted. I acknowledge two things. 1) We women are born to be good, and our kind and tender heartedness enables us to do good. 2) Men are born capable of doing good and become as good as we women teach them to do good.
  33. Am able to comfort those less endowed or fortunate than I.
  34. Can visualize peace and harmony in my home and know that I must determine what it is without demanding it, exemplify it without criticizing in hopes of getting it, and blend the contradictions as if nobody is wrong.
  35. Appreciate never having to prolong the agonies that self-forgiveness can relieve. The best gift from God or use of my will power comes when I forgive myself.
  36. Know how to find and screen Mr. Good Enough and that he will be blessed to have me behind and helping lead him to all his victories.
  37. Don’t need my man’s faults to fade away soon after we marry. I’m patient enough to watch him morph from Mr. Good Enough into Mr. Right over the span of a couple of marital decades.
  38. Resolve my own problems. That’s where I’m most independent and so considerate that I accept blame rather than impose it on others. My self-worth soars with each instance of sacrificing myself to lift blame from others.
  39. Can reward myself at the mirror in numerous ways such that I don’t crave overly much recognition when away from it.
  40. Can eagerly honor this rank structure in our family: husband, wife, mother, father, and children.
  41. Love my ‘new self’ at breakfast after mirror talk and enjoy the calm atmosphere that I bring to launching family into their respective days.
  42. Unconditionally respect people and loved ones. It’s an awesome power that I can trust people who I know until evidence and good reason reveal that I shouldn’t.
  43. Am proud to accept the principle of submission to husband while reserving the free will to take exception when appropriate.
  44. Reap great pleasure spreading my self-identified joy wherever I go but especially in my own home.
  45. Find gratefulness in all that I and my loved ones do.

How grateful do you now feel about yourself? More or less than when you started the list? Regardless, you should be energized to study further and consider options you had trouble accepting on your first viewing. The more self-gratitude you purposely generate by accepting individual factors, the sooner the misery multiplex will fade in importance and happiness will find you sooner.

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1938. Compatibility Axioms #241-250


241. People don’t mistreat those they respect. A long courtship enables a woman to both earn a man’s respect and qualify him as having had a good upbringing and as having developed the potential for treating his woman well. [108]
242. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. It empowers them to become relationship experts, which enables them to successfully swap interests with a man for marriage. Men have neither such expertise nor interest. [110]
243. Men are driven to compete with Nature, against other men, and to control and shape human events. Their sex drive is but a subset because women can more easily tame it before marriage than reduce their drive to compete with him after marriage. [110]
244. Men won’t and don’t compete with their wives in the major processes of life such as key decisions. Two reasons: They abhor being told how to live and fear losing to their woman as it diminishes their sense of significance. [110]
245. A woman instinctively needs a brighter future for her and her children. She seeks security of life, dependable relationships, and family cohesiveness. She seeks family, economic, and social stability. She seeks safety of health, life, and family. To help her fulfill these needs, a man expects rewards for husbanding and fathering. As the relationship expert, she has to develop the swap to mutual satisfaction.  [110]
246. A man absolutely needs only one thing. A place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s ‘battles’. If his wife isn’t inclined to maintain at least a hut for him, someone else will. [110]
247. Women do not absolutely need a man, but they want company. A woman’s primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that impact her and her children. She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people. Two men won’t knowingly share her, so one man best fulfills her primal want. [110]
248. A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses, especially to make himself stand out as a competitor, his own man, a man of significance. He views his home—hut or palace—as a place of recovery and not a place to be called to account. [110]
249. A woman’s time-focus emerges from her primal need to brighten her future. Most of her present-day concerns were handled as part of yesterday’s future. She dreams a lot about enhancing and making her relationship more solid and it works best when she supports her man’s focus on present-day matters. [110]
250. A man’s time-focus emerges from his primal readiness to compete, which makes it imperative that he focus on today and its problems. He knows full well he can handle tomorrow’s problems when they arrive. Where women dream about the future, his primary concern for the future revolves around what he can do today to prepare for tomorrow. [110]

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775. The Blessings of Patriarchy — Chapter 4


MORE DETAILS

This continues the part of yesterday’s article where I said: “Historical facts suggest women will be eternally blessed and made hopeful by male-dominated, wealth-building society. The question then pops up: How do women capitalize on what they face? How do they balance their interests with those of men? Before Feminism came along, our foremothers intuitively knew how. The answer squirts out in this misty spray: Women depend on, use, and exploit men in society and around the house. (Details tomorrow)” The details now follow.

Women depend on, use, and exploit men in many ways. But it’s best done gradually and unnoticeably. Before anyone says I’m endorsing manipulation, think again for I’m not. All that follows is motivated naturally by these primal urges: her drive to nest, nurture, and nestle; her need for a brighter future; her wants for a man’s help in fulfilling her hopes and dreams, her fear of abandonment, and her time focus on the future more than the present.

The following is not a How To. It’s intended to be educational. So, it requires study to deepen one’s understanding of the female nature when balancing self-interest with that of a man:

·        She stakes out ownership of the feminine domain and competes to preserve it. She clearly and ungrudgingly yields ownership of the masculine, and cooperates to help men or husband to do better.

·        She competes strongly with men to preserve her chastity or marital fidelity. She cooperates strongly with husband to preserve their relationship. She assumes responsibility for ‘maintaining’ any relationship.

·        She has a natural urge to take charge of almost everything concerning her family. She knows when she shouldn’t especially in areas that husband considers his responsibility or domain.

·        Without offending husband, she learns to control enough of life’s events to pursue her hopes and dreams for her family. She wins enough independence by depending on him.

·        She knows men don’t like to ask females for help, and so she anticipates and meets husband’s needs without his asking. It’s not reciprocal, however, because he isn’t as sensitive to her feelings.

I found the list too big for one day. It will finish tomorrow.

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638. Mothering Sons #05


Teens—These things DON’T go together when parents are coaching; the last term conflicts directly with the first: teen’s independence and supervision fit for a tween; discipline and temper; punishment amid anger or spitefulness.

Infants—Nurture is the main ingredient, and expertise for delivery lies primarily with son’s own mother. Women sense this, but many return to work. An infant cared for by other than mom becomes confused about liking himself, his self-value, and his importance to others and especially HIS MOTHER.  

Mothers—This one specific family rank order generates success although primary responsibilities shift from phase to phase of childhood: God, husband, wife, mother, father, son. (For details about the relative ranking and interactions of each role, see the Smother Love series at 551 and 554 and 569 about dysfunction of elevating kids over father.)

Toddlers—A boy’s self-image emerges and grows according to what he accomplishes. Trying and failing is superior to mom doing things for him or helping where it’s unnecessary. Mom’s greatest value for adulthood comes with teaching toddler right and wrong and associated morality, for him to try new challenges, and her to encourage him to follow failure with new ways, new attacks, and more persistence.

Mothers—Sons learn diligence by paying attention to details. Boys learn persistence, when they don’t give up after failure.

More to follow.

 

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452. NURTURING — Her attitude


The care and encouragement we call nurturing requires dedication on two broad fronts: the child as child and the mother, surprisingly, as woman.

Her problem: Mothers blame men for not helping to nurture children. Fathers react unresponsively or contrary to mother’s expectations.

Mothers have the talent, concern, initiative, and judgment to provide excellent child care and encouragement. Just what every child needs and deserves, and fathers expect.

Mothering provides its own rewards, but it’s not quite enough. Mothers suffer intermittent attacks of boredom, blues, frustration, discouragement, overload, and fear. They too require nurturing to keep them perpetually inspired for mothering excellence. But they need care and encouragement as woman and wife. 

Her solution: Mother blooms when father provides frequent and bold attention, affection, and appreciation—aka care and encouragement aka nurturing—to HER. These aren’t masculine strengths, but fathers bend to the task much easier than to nurturing infants and toddlers.

Some pointers: The next post in this series, Her initiative, describes considerations to help produce what mothers expect of fathers.

NOTE: I offer this series as tribute to Her Highness Marianne. She posed the question: “Is the nurturing of the children the mother’s job alone?”

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408. Sex and the fickle girl — Part 17


What women know about males is often wrong. Consequently, women spend a lot of time as somebody’s ex.

♀ Modern women devalue virginity. Even mothers enable and encourage daughters to value acceptance and popularity more highly—e.g. prom night. No one asks or listens to father, and his significance wanes. 

♀ Virginity challenges boys, whether his, hers, or theirs. Girls determine winners and losers. Victors carry advantages into the adult battle of the sexes. Abstinence teaches girls to win and carry victory into adulthood. Virtual virginity enables recovery from mistakes. Males accept females dominating the sexual arena.

♀ Single mothers show confusion. They have trouble finding balance points for children between over-nurturing and over-indulging. Between over-supervising and self-supervising. Between over-coaching and just ignoring the need. Women can do it all, but without a man around?

♀ Men yield their freedom to commit to one woman, but women refuse to take his name to seal the deal. Wedge inserted in his sense of significance.

♀ Women nurture, lead, and coach their stepchildren differently than their own. It slows or stops family blending and makes both sets of kids poorer as family members. Organizational solidarity breeds harmony, which husband wants to see and expects wife to provide.

♀ Women want it, so they try to make their man think and act more as a woman would around the home.

Thus, women often pave the entry ramp to the ex lane.

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