Tag Archives: puberty

2282. My Mistake about a Man’s Love: Recovery I


Post 2266 described the essentials of masculine love as it begins at birth before sexual interest and sexual ability develop. I described it wrapped in simplicity this way. a) He finds her likeable and wants to be with her. b) For insurance against competitors, he makes himself loyal to her. She sees that as his being in love, but it’s not quite. c) He convinces himself that she finds him extremely likeable. d) He confirms to himself that she’s loyal to him exclusively. e) He gently slips into the role of being devoted to her, which is the version of his love that she needs before accepting his proposal.

However, I also wrote, “I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.” Then, I was diverted and promptly forgot to finish the job. I offer this more complete series as recovery.

I choose to start over and summarize both the characteristics and essentials for successful sexual involvement in masculine love. I cover it in six phases: birth, boyhood, puberty, before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage.

BIRTH brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation required for a man’s love to be sufficiently rewarding that he bonds with someone. That foundation—mutual likeability and mutual loyalty—is required throughout life for manly bonding with others.

Of course the definition of likeability spreads and impacts every interpersonal factor between two people. More later about how both sexes benefit.

BOYHOOD brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation but in reverse. Parents through both actions and words convince sons that they are very likeable and that parents are loyal to boyhood interests. Sons respond by finding parents equally likeable and aim their loyalty toward parents more than someone else. Thus, a boy’s ability to love and the intensity of it develops to the extent that parental actions primarily and words secondarily confirm son’s likeability. (Girls seem to regard words as more affirming but they are sensitive to actions contrary to words.)

PUBERTY brings forth the reversal of a boy’s bonding sequence. In a months-long conversion of intentions, boys swing away from bonding as done in childhood. Developing rapidly and changing hormonally, they become far more independent and somewhat skilled at interpreting and shaping human relations to match their taste and intention. Claiming greater independence, they shift to bonding with whomever they find likeable and to whom they can be loyal. When ‘whomever’ reciprocates likeability and loyalty, newly bonded friends spread their wings and share feedback  with whatever arrangement they can develop through ever riskier adventures that bring both success and failure. They self-teach by taking advantage of girls without letting the girls know they are learning from the girls. (As girls go, so goes teen life and so goes society when they become adults.)

Simultaneously, the hunter-conqueror role develops and gains ever more importance throughout the teen years. The maturing boy becomes fascinated with sex and mission oriented toward conquests. He spreads his wings and interests to discover how to conquer girls. Through success and failure he develops a skill level that impacts his self-respect for later life.

Before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage follow at 2283 next.

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2174. Dating in Mid-life — Part B6: Chaste vs. the Adultolescent


If a man indulges in a “side dish” while dating a woman to whom he has not pledged his exclusivity, what does it say about his character? Is he worthy of respect, and does he have the potential to be Mr. GoodEnough?

If a man is after a woman rather than just chasing her for sex, her insistence on chasteness works in dating and courtship. Some men, however, are unable to satisfy the expectations of women for physical fidelity during the dating/pre-courtship stage. They can’t remain loyal enough while a relationship develops, and they find ‘side dish’ (or two, or even three) for interim enjoyment. A reasonable but ultimately unsatisfying alibi exists, with roots that extend back to his childhood.

As an example, it happened to Her Highness Tooconfused. Nearing a year into a satisfying courtship and following the guidelines described on this blog, she discovered that he was wandering on her. Regular contact slowed and then stopped for a week. He returned without explanation. As she says, “He had been busy chasing and bedding a friend of a friend (small world heard it through the grapevine). Did they end up dating? No. The ’side dish’ was a once or twice night stand for him.” Judging him as insufficiently loyal, Tooconfused broke off. He kept trying to come back, but she declined without explanation.

What follows is mere speculation about her man. But, I describe an upbringing that will produce an adult male who thinks her man’s kind of dating behavior is normal.

This man appears to be an ‘adultolescent’. That is, physical adult and mental adolescent. He grew up without learning to be a mature adult. Parents are usually blamed, but it’s not the whole story.

First, children do not primarily shape their values, standards, and expectations from the examples set by parents. Absorption is only partial and can be very small when not exposed to parental care that includes these qualities that are admirable among boys: respect for the child as a person albeit a little one; respect for him as self-developer looking for ways to satisfy his self-interest; nurturing that satisfies but is appreciated only for real hurts; and leadership handling that the boy dislikes in the short-run, learns to admire before puberty, and then appreciates when delivered in coaching form during the teen years.

Children are self-developers. They learn and absorb what they want to. They follow their self-interest as far as adults permit. And they develop from what they learn and absorb, which usually comes mostly from other children, and some or many may be older. You can see it begin in three-year olds; they more easily pay attention to and associate more comfortably with children than adults. Consequently, kids are primarily the personality products of who they grew up with other than adults. (Old school moms knew it intuitively and restricted associating with certain kids. ♫ I remember it well. ♫)

Second, parents apply growing-up pressures but often the wrong kind. Parents, especially adultolescents themselves, often reinforce immature peer pressures. Tooconfused’s man likely experienced an upbringing similar to the following.

  • His parents may raise him to be a good or great child, rather than a prospective adult. They focus on how he performs and appears to others in fun and games, sports, grades, popularity, self-esteem, and childhood likeability rather than guiding his motivational urges toward adulthood. The difference in pressures that parents apply (outperform a cousin or the kid next door in sports, grades, popularity) and expectations he should meet (make mom and dad proud, make an all-star team) make parental life more involved and beneficial for parents and seemingly a more enjoyable upbringing for him. A good child reflects well on parents.
  • Or, his parents may ignore guiding his self-development so that he absorbs the values, standards, and expectations from TV idolatry, celebrity worship, and children with whom he associates. If neglected, parents may wonder but don’t much care that immature values govern his life.
  • Either way, his standards and expectations are shaped by trying to live more for the moment and less for the future. It reinforces the males’ primal urge to focus on the present and let the future come as it will. Live to think and act as a child rather than try to learn, absorb, and emulate more mature values and adult-like expectations, such as better planning for his future.
  • Raised to focus on short-range thinking rather than practice for long-range achieving, he enters puberty with no more guidance or parental expectation than to continue as a good kid. Perhaps he was indulged and spoiled, perhaps not. For the most part, the responsibilities up to which he is expected to step leave exceed his abilities. His sense of responsibility is too weak or short to prepare very well for his future. The present remains too simple or enjoyable to think of how to improve the prospects for adulthood. He can continue as he does now. He can handle it, or so he’s been conditioned to think.
  • He enters adolescence unprepared to exit as a mature adult. Too little assignment of responsibility that over time strengthens his sense of duty (making his bed, cleaning his room, helping mom without her asking). Too little reaching out for adult-like achievements. Too little stimulation of adult ambitions. Too little success achieving long-range goals. Too much enjoyment of teen fun and games. Too little self-discipline. Too little earned self-respect. Too many self-imposed pressures that push toward immediate rather than deferred gratification. Too much time spent learning to bend female thoughts to his will. Too much time studying how to convince girls to uncrossed their legs. Too much time spent indulging the irresistible attractions among females. All of that morphed into his normal behavior.
  • The adolescent focus just doesn’t aim at affirmatively learning how to be a responsible adult. It remains focused on immature behaviors and lessons learned that work well and improve popularity among peers. Thus, he passes through the emotional turmoil of puberty only to adopt beliefs based on peer associations and immature values and expectations. He confirms his childhood preparation and superiority as more desirable than parental hopes and dreams for his adolescence.
  • His early childhood prompted by the desire for him to be a good child left him with less than a full bag of adult values and beliefs, which was exacerbated by teen-peer influence focusing typically on excitement, adventurism, activism, and today’s sexual freedom. After age 21, he has little or no internal guidance except from childhood values and beliefs reinforced by mounting immaturity among his associates. (Leadership by example, even poor influence by peer associates, is always the most effective.)
  • Mature adult values not inculcated before puberty leave a vacuum to be filled by teen peers. His belief system finishes filling up with the only values he’s willing to accept, those more like his own. He seeks and associates with peers who think and act as he does.
  • Values and beliefs embedded before puberty last for life if reinforced in adolescence. In his case, beliefs based on values about being a good—but turns out to be irresponsible—child leave him handicapped with women. Unless adultolescent themselves, women expect to associate with men mature enough to be husbandly responsible and fatherly dependable.

In the end, both parents and peers shape the personalities of kids. Parents lay the groundwork, and once lain, peers influence heavily the shape the personality takes. Actually, peers by a wide margin predominate in the process. In the case above, his presence in the adult world is physical, but his heart and mind remain habitually influenced by teenage thinking and habits. Having a ‘side dish’ now and then is perfectly normal for his deeply embedded adolescent-minded values and beliefs.

The dish of chaste loyalty that Tooconfused served up, which required both delayed expectation and gratification, was not as appealing to him as the temptation of a ready-made side dish. After all, how important is loyalty to adolescents? She was mature; he was not. She was ready to exchange mutual loyalty; he couldn’t meet her expectations for very long.

Could he ever become devoted to one woman? Could he qualify as Mr. GoodEnough? That’s another story waiting to be told by the woman who tames such a man sufficiently well that he wants her more than any other. Tough, but it can be done. A few women are that determined, patient, hard-headed, and soft-hearted. I’ve made my best effort to explain what she faces.

P.S. You’re blessed today. Her Highness Cinnamon worked extensively to make this article more easily readable. I’m responsible, however, if you find fault with content. Guy

 

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2065. Inspired Over Polish Food — Second Course


Out of a delightful Polish dinner with Her Highness Marie, one of my research consultants, I developed this article. She inspired two new thoughts about men and women, and two new principles came to light. I posted one at 2064 and the other here. It’s about improving a mother’s leadership.

After first grade starts, mom’s nurturing loses its effect. Keeping her influence mandates need for leadership. Whether direct or indirect leadership is the question to be answered here.

Lack of self-gratitude, lack of confidence in her natural strengths, and many frustrations subvert her natural ability. Especially frustrations caused by children locked naturally in self-development but partially disconnected from mom by unnatural phones and games. All of that causes mothers to adopt poor leadership habits.

Among other domestic pressures, frustration from disobedience pushes mom to take stronger action. Techniques that over time make mom dogmatic and even autocratic. It’s the style of leadership men use, direct. Give orders and expect obedience. However, it’s ungood for harmony among children naturally endowed with urges for self-development. They need, yearn for, and thrive on indirect leadership. Exactly the kind that women are prepared for at birth.

Women should not only tend to their man with indirectness and patience but also to raising children. Mother can’t go wrong by sticking to her nature but can easily slip into wrongdoing by copying male behavior. She’s not autocratic by nature, so she’s not at her most effective that way. When mom leads like dad, she weakens her influence, which makes kids less self-disciplined, which leads to more frustrations.

Although she can dominate children, she doesn’t gain by doing so. She has to discipline. But patience, understanding, and indirectness work better than harsher techniques observed in men. (I purposely leave out love as it too easily takes the form of indulgence, aka trying to buy instant obedience instead of helping children develop self-discipline.) The more that mom uses male techniques, the less effective she becomes at holding on to the hearts of her children. Don’t read that to mean she shouldn’t be tough—just tough indirectness, tough patience, tough understanding, hints toughened by silent ‘you better’, tough personality when challenged, admirable leader toughened by setting desired examples.

Moms can do much better by understanding that kids are self-developers, that patience is available in mom in huge amounts, and that indirectness is her God-given best style of leadership. While best when started with toddlers, moms can start later. In fact, they better get lots of practice before the onslaught of puberty, because patience and indirectness are all that works well in the teens when coaching is the best style of influencing for specific effects.

I realize now, the major principle behind coaching is indirectness and patience to enable players to self-develop. Of course, there’s a lot of loud misunderstanding about minor mistakes too. But they are made secondary because of toughness bred into kids by tough indirect leadership.

“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”* Nothing better than mom’s indirect leadership keeps the rocking within limits during the self-development of her children. [*From William Ross Wallace’s poem “What Rules the World” published in 1865]

NOTE: Guy Jr. synthesized a modern day approach to discipline. I’ve asked him to describe it in a future posting.

 

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2016. Female Blessings at Birth — 22-24


It’s the eighth group and I’m grateful for whatever feedback you send.

I continue taking the (currently 85) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination.

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or it’s something you learned during life, and so you have no reference point.

Where “Guy adds,” I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge my assumptions.

22. I am worthy of any man but only a few are worthy of me. [Guy adds: Unfortunately, her worthiness is too easily reversible in childhood. Parents are overly challenged and don’t treat children equally as persons but uniquely as boys and girls. It works for the better this way. Fathers pump up their daughters’ sense of self-worth and importance, which girls accept as relative to the source, one man representing all men. Mothers admire their sons’ achievements, which they accept as relative to the source, women. Then, in the romance marketplace, she automatically claims herself worthy and he willingly accepts it as challenge to win her. In the jargon of today, marriage works well with this start-up foundation. He thinks he married over his head and she knows that he did. It springs from natural impulses confirmed before puberty by parents.]
23. I have all the qualities I need to make one man earn me. (However, something inside also tells me I have to work daily to ‘tune up’ those qualities if I hope to keep the admiration of candidates for marriage. [Guy adds: And then, someday, at least one man will see you sufficiently virtuous that he becomes fascinated and devoted enough to see so much promise that he’s willing to yield his independence to capture you as wife.)
24. Something deep inside says I should, so I refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities. I spotlight my objections with critical words or by departing the scene. (No more f- or c- words, porn, or similar filth in my or children’s presence.) [Guy adds: Female sensibilities are personal. You can’t be wrong, so take action and neither complain nor explain, just act. It’s also a primary method by which women set standards to which men are expected to rise, which is one practice that produces a female-friendly society.]

Example for your response: “23-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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1976. The Heart and Soul of Family


Both sexes are born to be compatible and to do good. That natural inheritance, using marriage as the rib, enables them to create a living body. Husband is the head. Wife is the neck. Mother is the heart. Father is the soul. The better is the performance by the occupiers of each role; the more successful is the family.

The head of the family is the ultimate authority, responsible for the toughest decisions, and accountable for failures. Husband, however, is ill-equipped to directly manage family relationships; he leads with policy and not hands-on. He contributes indirectly by exploiting his strengths on efforts and achievements that earn self-admiration. (I summarize it as producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. [139]

The neck of the family keeps the head focused on whatever brightens the family future. The neck points the head at desirable outcomes that please the heart and she hopes will please everyone else—especially the head to whom she owes her life as neck. While the head governs the present, the neck governs the long run in order to shape the family’s internal future and help the head improve their external future. [139]

The heart smooths out the harshness of daily life, energizes everyone else, molds family spirit, shapes character of infants and toddlers, and coaches teens. The heart lathers family members with mutual respect, joy, gratefulness, and hope. The heart morphs it all into mutual love and inspires her to help the neck. With so much balancing of roles the neck has to do, it’s the toughest job of all. The head isn’t born capable of generating that kind of family togetherness. He’s no better than lessons learned growing up and during courtship as a fast learner. After marriage he’s a slow learner about such matters—too busy elsewhere and he hired a wife to handle such things. [139]

If the neck doesn’t crown the head as king, she inherits the head role too. Many women reject the crowning of their former prince as king. They usurp his role, and find themselves without a family neck, which weakens both the family heart and soul. It also opens the exit door for the deposed natural head. [139]

The soul provides the leadership that guides family members to do good. To give rather than take, achieve rather than loaf, help rather than hinder, and otherwise convert ability to do good into the result of being good.

One final role: The kids after toddlerhood and before puberty absorb their values from heroes. Head, neck, heart, and soul should all apply for the job and learn to make heroes of each other. Otherwise, kids find heroes elsewhere, learn to imitate outsiders, and anticipate doing the same with teen peers a few years hence. [139]

The successful family identifies clear-cut roles, uses head-neck-heart-soul as the rank structure, and each member performs their own roles excellently and readily forgives whatever inadequacies appear in others. In that way women can realize their girlhood hopes and dreams.

NOTE: It’s perfect. Thanks to Nia Vardalos for the head-turned-by-neck analogy. It’s from her flick, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. [139]

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1570. Mother’s Plan 05 — The Teens


Focused on what women never hear, this series expanded. Today the teens, tomorrow the parents. I hope to show that greater dependence on the nature of males and females provides a far better foundation to prepare parents for exposure to teen life. Today we look at teens’ and their reactions to some internal and external pressures.

  1. Before puberty both girls and boys confirm, enhance, and enlarge their self-image through accomplishments. After puberty, boys continue the same; they seek to win admiration for accomplishments. However, girls shift their ambitions somewhat. They seek to confirm their importance through accomplishments that solidify the wanted and nullify unwanted relationships.
  2. Hormones propel puberty. The presence or absence of values in the teen psyche governs the personal growth that follows. Parental nurturing insults a teen. Tight leadership earns teen disdain. Personal independence in decision-making crowns the teen persona. Parents are left with one effective influence method, coaching.
  3. When puberty hits boys and girls who don’t believe in themselves, they desert parents when in need of approval and guidance. They look for someone else’s belief in them, because what went before can no longer fill their ambitions and need for their larger role in life. A stronger sense of independence compels them to suspect parental wisdom and applicability to their forthcoming ‘new life’. They default to teen associates for approval and guidance.
  4. Belief in oneself comes from one source: several or many years of successful accomplishments. That is, feats attempted and completed; fears faced and conquered; obstacles detected and overcome; judgments proven correct; mistakes dodged or forgiven through recovery; promises kept; beliefs confirmed; responsibilities accepted; and even a bittersweet conscience scalded by few or many lies, failures, and broken promises.
  5. Lack of belief in oneself comes from inadequate upbringing before puberty. Parents fail to make it habitual for children to take advantage of opportunities that can deliver a sense of accomplishment. Achievement denied because of tasks never given, responsibilities not clarified, parental expectations not verbalized, routine duties never assigned, or childish excuses accepted in lieu of doing what one should do.
  6. The more mature the mind of a boy, the better he feels about himself doing adult-like things that teach how better to produce, provide, protect, and problem solve. Also, by virtue of less interest until he feels better qualified to do well at it, the pursuit of sex has a low or even insignificant priority. His sexual identity isn’t confused; his adult persona isn’t developed as he wishes it.
  7. Boys tease girls primarily to elicit smiles, which boys take as signs of approval. Modern girls dislike being teased; they scowl because feminists taught females to disrespect males. As a result, modern boys tease disrespectfully and girls dislike it even more. The cultural tradition of pleasant, innocent, and frequent intersex recognition and approval thus fades away.
  8. Their nature doesn’t encourage girls to have sex. It stirs them to exploit their ultimate asset, as males view females, to get what they want.
  9. Boys seek admiration. Less time at home applies pressure for them to win it among others. However, if the lure of winning admiration at home exists, ambitions weaken to seek it elsewhere.
  10. Boys want to learn about girls but they don’t know how. Modern girls substitute sex. They don’t recognize that boys aren’t being taught lessons vital to the future well-being of females. In only one way do boys learn the truth about fulfilling the hopes and dreams of females: denial of sex by many girls. Yielding teaches boys the wrong things. Only by girls refusing to yield do masculine dreams, hopes, and curiosity stir the male imagination to honor female uniqueness and respect the promises of marriage.
  11. The teen pecking order builds primarily on age. Teen life changes so rapidly that one year doesn’t seem that important compared to other years. However, a year’s difference between teens of the same sex is very significant. It generates a respect gap and the younger ends up with less than his due. Among teen unmarried couples, girls can’t respect a younger boy with enough energy to stifle older boys from stealing the girl away. Such relationships don’t last. Greater age gaps generate even greater respect gaps.
  12. Girls find out about boys by refusing to have sex with them. Each must do it alone to get a dependable and predictable picture of what men will be like in her life.

WADWMUFGAO, that is, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Teens eagerly imagine teen life as their exclusive domain and a top priority. Learning about the opposite sex tops the ways in which they exchange knowledge and interest to feel good about themselves. Results aren’t always as imagined, but teens aren’t deterred. They keep trying. They shun the wisdom of the ages; teen life is their exclusive domain to live and shape it as they sense they should. But still, parents play a major role. Their dilemmas come up tomorrow at post 1572.

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771. Gender Differences Revisited — Group O


  1. To a woman in her home, décor and fashion supersede functionality. According to men, functionality should reign.
  2. To men sex is an end. To women sex is a means.
  3. Females want to see justice served through equality, when equality is more theory than achievable. Males want to see justice served through fairness, which is both practical and achievable.
  4. The male nature promotes winning as the only thing—fairness in action. The female nature promotes how one plays the game as more important than winning—equality in action.
  5. Men value what they see when they see it more than what they remember about what they saw. Women are opposite.
  6. Although both sexes are emotional decision-makers, men tend to weigh facts and truth with greater reality. Women tend to more easily blend reality with their emotions.
  7. Women more easily endorse political correctness than men. (In the name of compensating for past injustices, it makes things more equal. According to my favorite intellectual giant, Dennis Prager, truth and political correctness are mutually exclusive.)
  8. Boys either mature mentally before puberty or remain adolescent as men. Girls either mature mentally after puberty by denying sex to boys, or they remain adolescent as women.

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