Tag Archives: puberty

Blog 2339. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part XIII

Tactical Parenting: Encouraging Sexual Restraint in Teen Girls

I presume that readers take exception to masculine-style sexual freedom for females. It’s now expanded with a follow-on movement of sex for pleasure in the U.S. It’s now developing overseas into threesomes for one and both sexes and on-the-street connecting up with those known and unknown, which means only a matter of time before the practice immigrates here.

If you don’t like it, your best contribution is teaching girls to avoid teen sexual activity. By avoiding it in adolescence, girls learn that other things are more important than sex and sexual freedom; for example, the ability to keep a husband. It’s then up to girls to teach boys, provided moms and dads teach boys to respect girls as unique and more valuable to men when treated respectfully.

To all moms, don’t preach to save herself for her husband. Teach to protect her heart and mind for herself, so she’s better prepared to handle males and life as she sees fit. A girl well-educated about herself and males knows what to do that’s best for her. She knows how to distinguish sincerity from smooth talk and lies and how to handle each.

Moms can’t be too well prepared to train and uplift girls to earn their potential for the handling of men and a mate. As women go so goes society, and only mothers can get them there. Dads need to encourage but moms do the work.

You may think of the following as too philosophical. However, sound personal decisions are based more on good philosophical underpinnings than on less stable beliefs such as popular opinion. So, I intend to unload all that I can figure out as relevant to moms raising girls to achieve their girlhood hopes and dreams.

Until now, I never realized the endless connections between what mom knows and how to raise better daughters. Sex today interferes dramatically with that process. Moms need more non-sex info and so this series continues to expand far beyond that originally intended.

Female character shapes the values, standards, and expectations that flood the culture and determine how people live in society. When moms focus on teaching about sex, they miss the boat. When they teach about screening males, handling dates, training boyfriends, discouraging players, and especially keeping husbands, they are on target to raising sterling daughters into women with significant influence with men and over boys.

When mom has a better picture of how the male and female natures prioritize and interact, she’s much better prepared to convey the lessons appropriate to each girl’s level of maturity. By puberty the lessons can be complete and a girl’s sense of self-development can carry her through adolescence without too much hurt.

A mother’s judgment is invariably sound when she depends on facts rather than popular opinion. Her biggest burden then is to gain and maintain daughter’s respect for mom’s teachings, which is a matter of self-discipline, nurturing love, not blaming others, and starting with toddlers in the third year.

NOTE: Mom’s biggest challenge is to get the father’s support, backing, and encouragement of daughter to listen to mom, whether present in their lives or not. IOW, mom sorely needs father’s respect to reinforce whatever respect daughter has for mom.

Modern teens are involved in sexual activity after copying adults, so moms have to counter that social movement when they teach about sex in early childhood. It’s tough, but how else can they overcome the political outrageousness of sex-ed in kindergarten unless they start early?

I suggest this plan. Except for basics, discourage interest in sex-education as being promoted. Mom knows better than bureaucrats. Teach beneficial behavior that attracts and holds the interests of males without having to satisfy those interests. Teach girls to make males work for everything they get from girl or woman. Earn masculine respect rather than popularity. Teach independence, teach girls to dislike the popular venues and achieving popularity. They all want to be liked. But they benefit permanently when they are respected. They earn respect when they refuse boys having their way even in the simple things such as copping a feel, kissing without earning it by demonstrating devotion with actions rather than just words, and  specifically by not spreading their legs for any reason.

Men respect what they earn and don’t appreciate what they don’t earn. Free gifts are meaningless, especially sex. And men can’t love who they don’t respect. So, the love of a man depends on how she makes him earn the sharing of her persona with him without sexual involvement.

Girls gain nothing from conquest except they bond and boys don’t. She loses and he benefits immensely: 1) Whatever respect she gained earlier by refusing quits growing. 2) His obligations to please her ‘expire’. 3) He doesn’t have to search any longer for weaknesses to facilitate bedding her; he owns their sexual agenda. She’s a keeper, booty, or dumpee. 4) He’s free to look for someone else.

Moms should stick to family values that glue relationships. Promote strengthening of personal character that emerges from sexual restraint. Describe the unexpected penalties for lack of good character that urges restraint in teen life. Teach deferred gratification and persuade against immediate gratification. Teach the importance of self-gratitude as critical to the sense of self-importance so earnestly craved by the female psyche.

Instead of blaming men for the social and domestic ailments of females, teach the blessings that women brought to American greatness. Men conquered the West, but women civilized it. Through their indirect influence with husbands, American wives morphed two male-dominated religions into our one-of-a-kind female-dominated Judeo-Christian culture. Our country is what wives made it by taming the male nature and husbands into pleasing the women in their lives. Womanly influence is maximized at the breakfast table and pillow talk—provided her man has obligated himself by becoming devoted to her.

It raises the question. What makes him become devoted to her? Answer: Her likeability and his determination to be loyal to her without his fear of being dumped. Devotion builds as he pleases himself for the purpose of pleasing her, and his actions reinforce his feelings for her.

Men need neither religion nor morality; they can and will just fight out their differences. Women need both, which are essential to strengthen the female character, political relevance and influence, and ability to make better men out of their mates—as both better husbands and good examples for other men.

When society moves upward with moral standards, women dominate the culture. When women allow moral standards to deteriorate, society becomes more immoral and men come to dominate values and standards. As that happens, the culture declines and individual marriages are made weaker. Today, they are also made fewer, and female influence fades accordingly.

But notice this. Wives and not single women did it in the past, which means that marriage is critical to supporting a female-friendly society made that way by wifely dominance of cultural values and standards. Single women don’t wield influence over men except as power enables it on the job, but that doesn’t impress men to accept and adopt female value and standards off the job. Only wives can get men to change their ways in the direction of more female friendliness, and it requires a delicate, well-educated, patient, and feminine touch.

What does all that mean for teaching girls to avoid teen sex? How can girls do what’s right for themselves? How can they understand themselves, boys, men, mates, and their promiscuous peers, unless they know the likely consequences of interacting and how to both resist female peer pressure and outsmart males?

When moms teach it well, girls know what to do with it. The more females keep their feelings among their sex, the more mysterious women are to men, which reduces the male’s ability to take advantage, which keeps girls and women in the driver’s seat in their relationships.

I have more on this subject but inadequate time to get it organized and explained with the clarity I seek. Sorry, but the following will be more ‘miscellaneous’ in its identity.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, marriage, sex differences

2328. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part II

Three monumental events rattle and shake the peaceful upbringing of children. First is dependence on mom’s love. Second is the opening of each child’s conscious mind. Third is each child’s passage through puberty. Each event can be pacified by women with sound judgment. The kind of judgment that automatically flows out of making something more important than love.

1) A woman’s love arises in two forms. Those they birth and everyone else. They can harmonize their home by blending the two forms into a common sense, well-accepted, and connected set of relationships. But her love alone can’t do it. Contrary to modern female thought, even mother-love isn’t enough.

The most important ingredient is respect continuously and equally generated into mutual respect. But there’s a catch. Respect, which is a part of mother-love, does not include respect for others.

Respect is more important than love for the process of bringing and holding people together. Respect lays the foundation for love. Without some sort of foundation of mutual respect, even mother-love can’t hold a family together.

When family members recognize they are respected as individuals, they can overlook the biases of mother-love spread among unequal targets. Personal conviction that they are respected first and loved second shifts their thoughts from me to us, from self-centered to family-centered.

When husband receives respect from wife and kids, he buys in. When husband respects wife without reservation, her authority is established. When children are respected as exceptional by gender, capability, and contribution, they take it personal that their exceptionalism is unique, deserved, and adequate for their own purpose in life. Hence, everybody buys in.

Being respected makes love credible. Human nature makes one doubt they deserve the love of another. Respect, especially trust, overcomes but never completely removes doubt.

2) Sometime in their third year, a child’s conscious mind opens and they come online as an independent person with under developed personality. Recognizing themselves as another person, they instinctively expect to be treated like the big people they see around them, who seem to do just what they please. Being copycats, even toddlers follow suit.

Trust is the most dynamic form of respect. It’s instinctive that boys especially be trusted for two reasons: a) They see others being respected and presume they are alike and deserving. b) They are self-developers. They consciously recognize their independence and expect to take advantage to do what they want to do; to play, explore, fix, look inside things, and especially climb.

Without being respected, they’re neither free nor trusted to do what they think proper, not respected as much as they think they deserve. It’s the result of recognizing that they too are a person and entitled to develop themselves as they see fit. Of course they don’t go through those thought processes; it’s instinctive and grows more intuitive with experience.

Both sexes are hardwired as self-developers. Boys deal with things and expect to do it alone. Girls deal with relations and expect to be guided without too much oversight. Both expect to be respected as they witness others being trusted to go about their own business mostly undisturbed by overseers.

Consequently, children develop themselves better when not overly supervised but respectfully guided away from threats and danger.

3) They pass through puberty. From being willing to absorb instruction, they shift to insist on giving it. From being malleable for those they respect, they shift to being one of those due respect as an adult. The less their hearts and minds are filled before puberty with mature adult values and standards, the more susceptible they are to let peers fill the vacuum. The more intensely they model themselves around adult values and standards before puberty, the less impressionable they are among those outside the family with whom they associate.

The thread starts early and never ends. To earn their respect, you have to first give it. The best form of respecting someone is to trust them. Toddlers, tweens, and teens expect it. Children show respect for parents, and parents receive it as trust and vice versa. Parents show trust and kids receive it as respect, but not vice versa. Adult expressions of respect that don’t convey trust don’t register much with kids. They aren’t sophisticated enough to convert routine parental respect into trust. To kids, trust is action and words meant to convey respect are not as meaningful.

Family success starts with greater respect for everyone. When kids arrive mom starts it with toddlers. By generating mutual respect throughout the family, mutual acceptance morphs into mutual love to hold the family together for life.

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Filed under Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage

2282. My Mistake about a Man’s Love: Recovery I

Post 2266 described the essentials of masculine love as it begins at birth before sexual interest and sexual ability develop. I described it wrapped in simplicity this way. a) He finds her likeable and wants to be with her. b) For insurance against competitors, he makes himself loyal to her. She sees that as his being in love, but it’s not quite. c) He convinces himself that she finds him extremely likeable. d) He confirms to himself that she’s loyal to him exclusively. e) He gently slips into the role of being devoted to her, which is the version of his love that she needs before accepting his proposal.

However, I also wrote, “I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.” Then, I was diverted and promptly forgot to finish the job. I offer this more complete series as recovery.

I choose to start over and summarize both the characteristics and essentials for successful sexual involvement in masculine love. I cover it in six phases: birth, boyhood, puberty, before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage.

BIRTH brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation required for a man’s love to be sufficiently rewarding that he bonds with someone. That foundation—mutual likeability and mutual loyalty—is required throughout life for manly bonding with others.

Of course the definition of likeability spreads and impacts every interpersonal factor between two people. More later about how both sexes benefit.

BOYHOOD brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation but in reverse. Parents through both actions and words convince sons that they are very likeable and that parents are loyal to boyhood interests. Sons respond by finding parents equally likeable and aim their loyalty toward parents more than someone else. Thus, a boy’s ability to love and the intensity of it develops to the extent that parental actions primarily and words secondarily confirm son’s likeability. (Girls seem to regard words as more affirming but they are sensitive to actions contrary to words.)

PUBERTY brings forth the reversal of a boy’s bonding sequence. In a months-long conversion of intentions, boys swing away from bonding as done in childhood. Developing rapidly and changing hormonally, they become far more independent and somewhat skilled at interpreting and shaping human relations to match their taste and intention. Claiming greater independence, they shift to bonding with whomever they find likeable and to whom they can be loyal. When ‘whomever’ reciprocates likeability and loyalty, newly bonded friends spread their wings and share feedback  with whatever arrangement they can develop through ever riskier adventures that bring both success and failure. They self-teach by taking advantage of girls without letting the girls know they are learning from the girls. (As girls go, so goes teen life and so goes society when they become adults.)

Simultaneously, the hunter-conqueror role develops and gains ever more importance throughout the teen years. The maturing boy becomes fascinated with sex and mission oriented toward conquests. He spreads his wings and interests to discover how to conquer girls. Through success and failure he develops a skill level that impacts his self-respect for later life.

Before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage follow at 2283 next.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex differences

2174. Dating in Mid-life — Part B6: Chaste vs. the Adultolescent

If a man indulges in a “side dish” while dating a woman to whom he has not pledged his exclusivity, what does it say about his character? Is he worthy of respect, and does he have the potential to be Mr. GoodEnough?

If a man is after a woman rather than just chasing her for sex, her insistence on chasteness works in dating and courtship. Some men, however, are unable to satisfy the expectations of women for physical fidelity during the dating/pre-courtship stage. They can’t remain loyal enough while a relationship develops, and they find ‘side dish’ (or two, or even three) for interim enjoyment. A reasonable but ultimately unsatisfying alibi exists, with roots that extend back to his childhood.

As an example, it happened to Her Highness Tooconfused. Nearing a year into a satisfying courtship and following the guidelines described on this blog, she discovered that he was wandering on her. Regular contact slowed and then stopped for a week. He returned without explanation. As she says, “He had been busy chasing and bedding a friend of a friend (small world heard it through the grapevine). Did they end up dating? No. The ’side dish’ was a once or twice night stand for him.” Judging him as insufficiently loyal, Tooconfused broke off. He kept trying to come back, but she declined without explanation.

What follows is mere speculation about her man. But, I describe an upbringing that will produce an adult male who thinks her man’s kind of dating behavior is normal.

This man appears to be an ‘adultolescent’. That is, physical adult and mental adolescent. He grew up without learning to be a mature adult. Parents are usually blamed, but it’s not the whole story.

First, children do not primarily shape their values, standards, and expectations from the examples set by parents. Absorption is only partial and can be very small when not exposed to parental care that includes these qualities that are admirable among boys: respect for the child as a person albeit a little one; respect for him as self-developer looking for ways to satisfy his self-interest; nurturing that satisfies but is appreciated only for real hurts; and leadership handling that the boy dislikes in the short-run, learns to admire before puberty, and then appreciates when delivered in coaching form during the teen years.

Children are self-developers. They learn and absorb what they want to. They follow their self-interest as far as adults permit. And they develop from what they learn and absorb, which usually comes mostly from other children, and some or many may be older. You can see it begin in three-year olds; they more easily pay attention to and associate more comfortably with children than adults. Consequently, kids are primarily the personality products of who they grew up with other than adults. (Old school moms knew it intuitively and restricted associating with certain kids. ♫ I remember it well. ♫)

Second, parents apply growing-up pressures but often the wrong kind. Parents, especially adultolescents themselves, often reinforce immature peer pressures. Tooconfused’s man likely experienced an upbringing similar to the following.

  • His parents may raise him to be a good or great child, rather than a prospective adult. They focus on how he performs and appears to others in fun and games, sports, grades, popularity, self-esteem, and childhood likeability rather than guiding his motivational urges toward adulthood. The difference in pressures that parents apply (outperform a cousin or the kid next door in sports, grades, popularity) and expectations he should meet (make mom and dad proud, make an all-star team) make parental life more involved and beneficial for parents and seemingly a more enjoyable upbringing for him. A good child reflects well on parents.
  • Or, his parents may ignore guiding his self-development so that he absorbs the values, standards, and expectations from TV idolatry, celebrity worship, and children with whom he associates. If neglected, parents may wonder but don’t much care that immature values govern his life.
  • Either way, his standards and expectations are shaped by trying to live more for the moment and less for the future. It reinforces the males’ primal urge to focus on the present and let the future come as it will. Live to think and act as a child rather than try to learn, absorb, and emulate more mature values and adult-like expectations, such as better planning for his future.
  • Raised to focus on short-range thinking rather than practice for long-range achieving, he enters puberty with no more guidance or parental expectation than to continue as a good kid. Perhaps he was indulged and spoiled, perhaps not. For the most part, the responsibilities up to which he is expected to step leave exceed his abilities. His sense of responsibility is too weak or short to prepare very well for his future. The present remains too simple or enjoyable to think of how to improve the prospects for adulthood. He can continue as he does now. He can handle it, or so he’s been conditioned to think.
  • He enters adolescence unprepared to exit as a mature adult. Too little assignment of responsibility that over time strengthens his sense of duty (making his bed, cleaning his room, helping mom without her asking). Too little reaching out for adult-like achievements. Too little stimulation of adult ambitions. Too little success achieving long-range goals. Too much enjoyment of teen fun and games. Too little self-discipline. Too little earned self-respect. Too many self-imposed pressures that push toward immediate rather than deferred gratification. Too much time spent learning to bend female thoughts to his will. Too much time studying how to convince girls to uncrossed their legs. Too much time spent indulging the irresistible attractions among females. All of that morphed into his normal behavior.
  • The adolescent focus just doesn’t aim at affirmatively learning how to be a responsible adult. It remains focused on immature behaviors and lessons learned that work well and improve popularity among peers. Thus, he passes through the emotional turmoil of puberty only to adopt beliefs based on peer associations and immature values and expectations. He confirms his childhood preparation and superiority as more desirable than parental hopes and dreams for his adolescence.
  • His early childhood prompted by the desire for him to be a good child left him with less than a full bag of adult values and beliefs, which was exacerbated by teen-peer influence focusing typically on excitement, adventurism, activism, and today’s sexual freedom. After age 21, he has little or no internal guidance except from childhood values and beliefs reinforced by mounting immaturity among his associates. (Leadership by example, even poor influence by peer associates, is always the most effective.)
  • Mature adult values not inculcated before puberty leave a vacuum to be filled by teen peers. His belief system finishes filling up with the only values he’s willing to accept, those more like his own. He seeks and associates with peers who think and act as he does.
  • Values and beliefs embedded before puberty last for life if reinforced in adolescence. In his case, beliefs based on values about being a good—but turns out to be irresponsible—child leave him handicapped with women. Unless adultolescent themselves, women expect to associate with men mature enough to be husbandly responsible and fatherly dependable.

In the end, both parents and peers shape the personalities of kids. Parents lay the groundwork, and once lain, peers influence heavily the shape the personality takes. Actually, peers by a wide margin predominate in the process. In the case above, his presence in the adult world is physical, but his heart and mind remain habitually influenced by teenage thinking and habits. Having a ‘side dish’ now and then is perfectly normal for his deeply embedded adolescent-minded values and beliefs.

The dish of chaste loyalty that Tooconfused served up, which required both delayed expectation and gratification, was not as appealing to him as the temptation of a ready-made side dish. After all, how important is loyalty to adolescents? She was mature; he was not. She was ready to exchange mutual loyalty; he couldn’t meet her expectations for very long.

Could he ever become devoted to one woman? Could he qualify as Mr. GoodEnough? That’s another story waiting to be told by the woman who tames such a man sufficiently well that he wants her more than any other. Tough, but it can be done. A few women are that determined, patient, hard-headed, and soft-hearted. I’ve made my best effort to explain what she faces.

P.S. You’re blessed today. Her Highness Cinnamon worked extensively to make this article more easily readable. I’m responsible, however, if you find fault with content. Guy



Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Sociology 101

2065. Inspired Over Polish Food — Second Course

Out of a delightful Polish dinner with Her Highness Marie, one of my research consultants, I developed this article. She inspired two new thoughts about men and women, and two new principles came to light. I posted one at 2064 and the other here. It’s about improving a mother’s leadership.

After first grade starts, mom’s nurturing loses its effect. Keeping her influence mandates need for leadership. Whether direct or indirect leadership is the question to be answered here.

Lack of self-gratitude, lack of confidence in her natural strengths, and many frustrations subvert her natural ability. Especially frustrations caused by children locked naturally in self-development but partially disconnected from mom by unnatural phones and games. All of that causes mothers to adopt poor leadership habits.

Among other domestic pressures, frustration from disobedience pushes mom to take stronger action. Techniques that over time make mom dogmatic and even autocratic. It’s the style of leadership men use, direct. Give orders and expect obedience. However, it’s ungood for harmony among children naturally endowed with urges for self-development. They need, yearn for, and thrive on indirect leadership. Exactly the kind that women are prepared for at birth.

Women should not only tend to their man with indirectness and patience but also to raising children. Mother can’t go wrong by sticking to her nature but can easily slip into wrongdoing by copying male behavior. She’s not autocratic by nature, so she’s not at her most effective that way. When mom leads like dad, she weakens her influence, which makes kids less self-disciplined, which leads to more frustrations.

Although she can dominate children, she doesn’t gain by doing so. She has to discipline. But patience, understanding, and indirectness work better than harsher techniques observed in men. (I purposely leave out love as it too easily takes the form of indulgence, aka trying to buy instant obedience instead of helping children develop self-discipline.) The more that mom uses male techniques, the less effective she becomes at holding on to the hearts of her children. Don’t read that to mean she shouldn’t be tough—just tough indirectness, tough patience, tough understanding, hints toughened by silent ‘you better’, tough personality when challenged, admirable leader toughened by setting desired examples.

Moms can do much better by understanding that kids are self-developers, that patience is available in mom in huge amounts, and that indirectness is her God-given best style of leadership. While best when started with toddlers, moms can start later. In fact, they better get lots of practice before the onslaught of puberty, because patience and indirectness are all that works well in the teens when coaching is the best style of influencing for specific effects.

I realize now, the major principle behind coaching is indirectness and patience to enable players to self-develop. Of course, there’s a lot of loud misunderstanding about minor mistakes too. But they are made secondary because of toughness bred into kids by tough indirect leadership.

“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”* Nothing better than mom’s indirect leadership keeps the rocking within limits during the self-development of her children. [*From William Ross Wallace’s poem “What Rules the World” published in 1865]

NOTE: Guy Jr. synthesized a modern day approach to discipline. I’ve asked him to describe it in a future posting.



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2016. Female Blessings at Birth — 22-24

It’s the eighth group and I’m grateful for whatever feedback you send.

I continue taking the (currently 85) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination.

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or it’s something you learned during life, and so you have no reference point.

Where “Guy adds,” I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge my assumptions.

22. I am worthy of any man but only a few are worthy of me. [Guy adds: Unfortunately, her worthiness is too easily reversible in childhood. Parents are overly challenged and don’t treat children equally as persons but uniquely as boys and girls. It works for the better this way. Fathers pump up their daughters’ sense of self-worth and importance, which girls accept as relative to the source, one man representing all men. Mothers admire their sons’ achievements, which they accept as relative to the source, women. Then, in the romance marketplace, she automatically claims herself worthy and he willingly accepts it as challenge to win her. In the jargon of today, marriage works well with this start-up foundation. He thinks he married over his head and she knows that he did. It springs from natural impulses confirmed before puberty by parents.]
23. I have all the qualities I need to make one man earn me. (However, something inside also tells me I have to work daily to ‘tune up’ those qualities if I hope to keep the admiration of candidates for marriage. [Guy adds: And then, someday, at least one man will see you sufficiently virtuous that he becomes fascinated and devoted enough to see so much promise that he’s willing to yield his independence to capture you as wife.)
24. Something deep inside says I should, so I refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities. I spotlight my objections with critical words or by departing the scene. (No more f- or c- words, porn, or similar filth in my or children’s presence.) [Guy adds: Female sensibilities are personal. You can’t be wrong, so take action and neither complain nor explain, just act. It’s also a primary method by which women set standards to which men are expected to rise, which is one practice that produces a female-friendly society.]

Example for your response: “23-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception.

Thank you for your opinions.



Filed under feminine

1976. The Heart and Soul of Family

Both sexes are born to be compatible and to do good. That natural inheritance, using marriage as the rib, enables them to create a living body. Husband is the head. Wife is the neck. Mother is the heart. Father is the soul. The better is the performance by the occupiers of each role; the more successful is the family.

The head of the family is the ultimate authority, responsible for the toughest decisions, and accountable for failures. Husband, however, is ill-equipped to directly manage family relationships; he leads with policy and not hands-on. He contributes indirectly by exploiting his strengths on efforts and achievements that earn self-admiration. (I summarize it as producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. [139]

The neck of the family keeps the head focused on whatever brightens the family future. The neck points the head at desirable outcomes that please the heart and she hopes will please everyone else—especially the head to whom she owes her life as neck. While the head governs the present, the neck governs the long run in order to shape the family’s internal future and help the head improve their external future. [139]

The heart smooths out the harshness of daily life, energizes everyone else, molds family spirit, shapes character of infants and toddlers, and coaches teens. The heart lathers family members with mutual respect, joy, gratefulness, and hope. The heart morphs it all into mutual love and inspires her to help the neck. With so much balancing of roles the neck has to do, it’s the toughest job of all. The head isn’t born capable of generating that kind of family togetherness. He’s no better than lessons learned growing up and during courtship as a fast learner. After marriage he’s a slow learner about such matters—too busy elsewhere and he hired a wife to handle such things. [139]

If the neck doesn’t crown the head as king, she inherits the head role too. Many women reject the crowning of their former prince as king. They usurp his role, and find themselves without a family neck, which weakens both the family heart and soul. It also opens the exit door for the deposed natural head. [139]

The soul provides the leadership that guides family members to do good. To give rather than take, achieve rather than loaf, help rather than hinder, and otherwise convert ability to do good into the result of being good.

One final role: The kids after toddlerhood and before puberty absorb their values from heroes. Head, neck, heart, and soul should all apply for the job and learn to make heroes of each other. Otherwise, kids find heroes elsewhere, learn to imitate outsiders, and anticipate doing the same with teen peers a few years hence. [139]

The successful family identifies clear-cut roles, uses head-neck-heart-soul as the rank structure, and each member performs their own roles excellently and readily forgives whatever inadequacies appear in others. In that way women can realize their girlhood hopes and dreams.

NOTE: It’s perfect. Thanks to Nia Vardalos for the head-turned-by-neck analogy. It’s from her flick, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. [139]


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