Tag Archives: recovery is everything

2663. Refresher Thoughts — 02

  1. Few things reverse a woman’s attitude more quickly than her man saying, Honey, I was wrong!
  2. Few thing reverse a man’s attitude more easily than his woman saying, Honey, you are right.
  3. The more likeable she becomes to him, the more likeable he becomes to her. True!
  4. The more likeable he becomes to her, the more likeable she becomes to him. Not true!
  5. Recovery is everything, because everything is related to this: We all make mistakes frequently. The variables available to use to make a recovery are more important than the excuse someone has for stumbling mentally.
  6. Marital success depends upon her micromanaging the core of a marriage to get her way in her domain, and NOT intruding unwanted in the periphery, his domain.
  7. It’s life’s greatest challenge. He feels responsible for marital success because he doesn’t tackle something with intent to fail. But she runs the show because she has all the ability and expertise to generate their success together. For him to succeed well, he has to bow to her and her wisdom; he doesn’t have enough.
  8. Wise husbands enable themselves to rule the roost in title and practice, while they gently, quietly, and in background encourage their wives to govern and coach the rooster into eventually getting her way. (It’s an art that women possess from birth, except it may fail her if she doesn’t team with a man who finds her totally likeable.)
  9. Men follow women they like except when the female makes three mistakes. Women give away their ultimate bargaining power, premarital sex, which costs her too much of his respect. Women continually complain and blame a man’s shortcomings. Wives try to compete with their husbands, which reduces her likeability and eventually her acceptability.
  10. A man NEEDS only one thing—a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare to fight his battles tomorrow. A woman NEEDS a brighter future, which can be a lot of things into which a man’s interest can be woven by her.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, marriage, sex differences

2347. Tribute to the Female Nature — 03: Blame

I like to do problem solving work. But this time, no. I’m just going to dump a major relationship problem in your lap. Do with it as you please and let me know if you see improvement in your relationships with your man, children, and workplace associates.

The problem ID? Too much blame going around. A woman’s blame drives her man away. Love and blame are mutually exclusive and love is the work of woman, blame is the work of conscience and God.

In other people and yourself, treat disregard, unconcern, faults, and incompetencies as accidents of Nature. It happens, and you are not responsible to correct everyone, even if they do make your life miserable. You chose or birthed those that cause you the most trouble, so find another way to lift your misery. Training before is far superior to blaming after the fact. Humans ain’t perfect, which is why recovery is everything.


Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter

1686. “I’m terrified of life.” — II

Her Highness Catalinarea at post 1684 also claimed to be terrified of life. I offer the following for her and others similarly inclined. Recovery is a mind game. Hopefully, I will make it easy if not simple to win.

First, however, Catalinarea asked me to define these terms.

  • Internalizing: It means to think selfishly, mostly of yourself, of threats to you, of your fears, of your worries, of your conclusions about your incompetence, insignificance, and lack of worth in your world. (As expected, it brings a person to their knees, but so many don’t believe or don’t know to look up for help. They continue to melt in their misery.)
  • Externalizing: It means to bypass your selfishness and tackle the world you live in, to think in ways that enable you to learn more and better, generate beneficial effects, and more assertively please yourself with achievements and others with your presence and actions.

You know it, but you’re frozen with fear sustained by inaction. It’s a self-induced helplessness. It takes on its own persona and intensifies if not dealt with directly.

Certain changes in action and thought can turn the game to your advantage. Each new belief and habit of thought devours the pressures of fear. Winning comes from making progress in a determined fashion more than it comes from trying to conquer fears. Action cures fear that even well-intentioned thoughts can’t overcome.

Most fears are comparative. People think they don’t deserve what others have, because they can’t do what others do. They compare and come out short. More comparisons lead to more shortcomings. Frozen with fear, whatever they manage to achieve is devalued in order to sustain the certainty of previous beliefs, aka self-induced misery.

Failure symbolizes the end of something; you walk away from it. Everything else is a mistake, and it enables recovery to revitalize life and displace fears. The only thing wrong with failure is not getting up again to start something else. Successful people come from a long line of failures and even more mistakes. Figure yourself out: Do you fear failure, success, mistakes, or just doing things differently than before?

Watch closely: Failure often comes from fear of success. Success means you deserve self-praise, but beliefs about your unworthiness prevent it. You’re not worthy of praise, which makes you fearful of doing more. After all, you think, I was lucky this time. Unable to believe yourself worthy, you avoid success by not trying and you rationalize threat of failure as the excuse. It’s a mind game you play with yourself.

Success comes from failures and mistakes supressed by one’s devotion to their ambitions, goals, and dreams. Trying to develop the electric light bulb, Edison claimed that he didn’t fail thousands of times, but he found thousands of ways that didn’t work. He didn’t call each attempt a failure, and so he neither quit nor melted into self-inflicted misery. You should drop the word failure from your vocabulary and thoughts. You can defeat your fears by finding something else to do, putting your endless abilities to work, and believing more clearly and deliberately in yourself.

Action cures fear. Get rid of failure and success from your vocabulary and thoughts. You do it by repeatedly taking actions that may lead to either failure or success but you don’t give a hoot which. You’re bound to do something, anything, to escape the miserable frozen wasteland of fear.

Actions overpower thoughts. To change your thoughts, change your actions. To change your actions, take other actions. Your subconscious mind, from which both good and bad habits flow, is programmed by repeated actions. Conscious thoughts matter little in changing habits. You’ll find more in articles that begin with the term “Self-“ in the CONTENTS page at blog top. They cite many ways to figure yourself out in order to help yourself.


Filed under How she wins

1537. Reinforce Your Comfort Zone

Her Highness Kaikou seeks a way to change an undesirable part of her life. She says, “I have found that when I am brought into an uncomfortable situation I revert. I begin acting more masculine in my gesture, replies, and thoughts. I can physically feel my body change into this mode. Similarly, when I encounter other women, who are more feminine than me and they make me feel uncomfortable—I have to fight the reversion. I am starting to realize that my personal battle with femininity and using my jewels started in childhood. I used the unfeminine cloak to hide and let me feel safe. Wow, what a discovery for me.” The following is addressed to Kaikou and sympathetic Laura who has a similar problem.

Whoa! Stop beating on yourself. You act exactly as we all do when uncomfortable. We habitually, I say again, habitually, swing into another mode or mood that produces either comfort or defense against whatever confronts us. As we all found a way, you earlier in life found comfort in hardening your spirit. You relied and turned it into habit. Now just repeat the process from a different menu. Develop a new habit, one that makes you feel good about yourself.

You replace any undesirable habit with a process that pretty much matches the following:

  • Quit trying to avoid what you don’t want to do. Don’t try NOT to harden up or shift into masculine gestures, etc. Your mind doesn’t work that way. For example, don’t you dare NOT think about an elephant right now. See, you can’t NOT think about things and have them go away. Habits can’t just be forgotten. They can only be replaced by something your mind has been made to believe is more important.
  • Find something more appealing to REPLACE your habitual thoughts. Then, turn the new thoughts into the dominant habit through repeated use made routine.
  • Identify a different way in which you HOPE to respond when you get uncomfortable. For example, smile to yourself and also hum your favorite song to yourself. Or, take a bathroom break and prettify yourself. Or, interrupt others and express your thoughts about the subject; not to antagonize but for them to recognize that you’re different. Or, choose something that diverts you from internalizing your thoughts, provides some comfort, and can be used for all occasions. For example, dedicate yourself to listening better to other people and appreciate hearing their thoughts.
  • Privately rehearse and practice using your new mode. Don’t tell anyone about it. Then, whenever discomfort arises, shift into your new mode. Do it religiously until it becomes habit, probably somewhere between 30 and 90 days. Practice privately in between and the habit will form sooner.
  • Then, identify another way to restore your comfort so that you have more than one option. Use it until it also becomes habitual. Then, perhaps a third….  A favorite will develop and you will come to rely on it.
  • Forgive yourself for every mistake you make. Mistakes are NOT important; recovery is everything. Forget any mistaken fallbacks into your old hardening habit by praising yourself for having a better option for the next time an opportunity arises. Expect to have a win the next time. Dwell on the future and not the past, dwell on the situation more than internalizing your thoughts.
  • Learn to welcome and even enjoy discomforting situations because you have a superior way that protects your comfort.

Try it. You might like it. You might also avoid paying for the counseling service you mentioned.


Filed under How she wins

1160. Breast Augmentation—Revisited Again

Breast augmentation opens many doors to fearfulness. Her Highness Lotus asked how to recover if boyfriend asked about it and she unthinkingly blurted “No.” What should she do to maximize the chance that their relationship will thrive?

First, digest this: Don’t try to maximize not losing him. You have to take all the risk, because you made the mistake. Fearfulness about losing him will push you to making more mistakes. Put his interests first and foremost. Lather his ego with your direct honesty and the promise you represent for his future. The following is designed to prevent more mistakes, shakiness, and fearfulness that could hurt your chances of keeping him.

Second, correct your mistake. Do it soon. Set up a pleasant no-cost atmosphere for an uninterrupted chat. Alert him to expect to discuss only one subject but don’t identify it. When you meet proceed with the following.

No preliminaries, no explanations, no excuses. Just say, “I made a mistake. I mistreated you. I was untruthful and I regret it. I ask your forgiveness.” (But don’t ask that he forget it.)

Let him see sincere regret and ask about what! When he asks, tell him the BA was action taken to end the ‘burden and distress’ of earlier life. No more details or explanations. Keep it general about the agonies of your flat-chestedness. Seek no sympathy. Especially don’t plead for understanding.

Then honestly answer his questions until his curiosity is satisfied. Don’t explain, don’t complain, and just answer him. If moments of silence ensue, don’t break them. Let him think quietly and digest what it all means to him. You want the subject to never come up again. As his thoughts firm up, he turns toward permanent acceptance of your BA. (Unless, of course, he just can’t handle it in his life and that’s your major risk.)  

When he’s comfortable, change the subject, forget it forever, and move on with your lives together or separately. Show no fear. Trust that he will forget it, forgive you, and move into the future as if little happened. (Don’t ask for his forgiveness. You asked earlier. Asking again makes you seem desperate, weakens your case, loses some of his respect, and men take advantage of desperate women.)

Overall, make a big deal of your mistake and betrayal of him. Don’t alibi by claiming good intentions. Treat BA as a little event. Augmented breasts remain real, alive, and well. Leave him with a good taste about your directness and what he can expect if you make future mistakes.

Recovery is everything and how you do it sets the stage for his expectations about you in the future. When he sees great promise in your honesty, directness, and fearlessness facing up to him with your mistakes, he can be magnificent in overlooking a little old insignificant BA that lifts your spirits.


Filed under feminine

1054. Coffee and Tea with Mrs. G. — #24

Ladies, the pleasures of life don’t include our mistakes but our recoveries. Mistakes happen naturally. Recovery takes imagination and determination that overpowers our guilt and bandages hurt feelings. Some examples:

  • We yield too early before a man’s commitment morphs into devotion and marriage. We recover from wrongful (not bad) experience with virtual virginity. We seek to live up to something bigger than ourselves. (e.g., God, biblical injunctions, religious beliefs, doing right can overcome a previous wrong, future husband, reasserting our steadfast character is vital in both our life and upcoming marriage.)
  • We marry the wrong man. The modern way is to dump him. Guilt or hurt feelings remain, so it’s not recovery but the easy way out. Recovery begins when we drop the attitude that he’s the wrong one, and he detects no effort to change him. It continues with our becoming more grateful for who and what he is, more attuned to his significance and enhancing it, and more reliant on our relationship expertise (and especially our use of the self-fulfilling prophecy). 
  • We buy the wrong brand of husband’s favorite. We find a way or at least show great effort to make it much like his favorite—or better. It’s not the final result that provides recovery. It’s our dedication to pleasing him that makes him forget our ‘atrocious crime’, assuages his more imagined than actual hurt, and overpowers our guilt.

Guy seems to have females in mind when he claims that ‘recovery is everything’. But he developed the philosophy long before discovering his ability to author this blog. So, I think he’s just promoting what women need to help handle guilt so often undeserved.


Filed under Dear daughter

841. Dignity amid Divorce — Section 04: Priorities

Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1789.


Filed under How she wins