Tag Archives: responsibility

2684. Answers That Women Look For — 03


Previous Q&A for easy reference.

  1. Why do men avoid marriage? [See 2676]
  2. What makes a husband dissatisfied with himself? [See 2676]
  3. Do men consider the wife to be responsible to keep their marriage together? [See 2676]
  4. Why do husbands cheat? [See 2677]

 Q. If the sexes are so different at birth, how are they alike? [2684]

A. The deeper I go into male/female subject matter, the more it makes sense that the sexes differ in so many ways. The subject here is a spot we’ve not visited previously, how the sexes are alike.

Responsibility. Being individuals, we inherit the responsibility for our self-development and how we turn out. We can’t take care and develop ourselves unless we start by taking responsibility for every facet of life that we can control or influence. How we decide to carry, share, revitalize, or dispose of responsibility is the most awesome and challenging function we call living. (By aborting self-responsibility, some people cripple their lives—e.g., wives won’t stand up for themselves for fear of losing their man.)

Motivation. Self-interest drives the motivation bus. Everyone is primarily motivated to pursue their self-interest. It develops subconsciously and operates in background to keep individuals up to date as life progresses. It shapes who they are and what they are after.

Free will. Each individual is blessed with free will to pursue self-interest. It helps get their way in life’s decisions. Until, that is, most individuals decide to somewhat amend free will in order to adjust and improve their way of life with others, especially individuals; e.g., a wife yields to hubby on present-day matters, so she can shape the future to match her expectations. Yielding free will in certain instances, however, does not make one less responsible for their life. It’s just a trade off to enhance whatever life a person seeks to develop for the situation, aka modifying self-interest.

Get their way. Individuals are driven to get their way as evidenced early by infants seeking comfort and toddlers battling competitors. It makes competition the most fundamental law of interacting individually. Except as we defer by choice or force, we are always in competition with others of both sexes. We learn as a small child the need to either fight to get our way, negotiate agreement, yield to someone else by choice, or be forced to yield to someone else (mom’s rule, big brother, and a girl says ‘no’ come to mind). Exception: Girls learn early in life they can get their way more effectively by cooperating rather than competing, which teaches and enables women to get their way with men much more easily than with other females.

Self-development. We each are born with an unconscious motivation to develop ourselves as unique individuals. It’s visible as early as toddlerhood and continues throughout life. Consequently, we get what we motivate ourselves to get out of life, and the best results—especially by tweens and teens—come from accepting and fulfilling the responsibility of mature adults. To the extent people ignore or dodge responsibility for themselves, they cripple and possibly shorten their lives. Once children pass puberty, they absorb an attitude of being close enough to adulthood to act like adults. Their maturity level, however, is proportional to the sense of adult responsibility tweens developed before puberty and teens exhibit in the adolescent years.

Satisfaction. Both sexes use internal signals that whatever they have been doing is completed, and they are free to move on to something else. Self-satisfaction triggers some new motivation to keep us busy at satisfying ourselves. The sexes begin to differ here. Men work in spurts and find satisfaction in accomplishments. Women work continuously, and find satisfaction in continued dedication to their self-importance and self-defined missions in life. Consequently, men pay more specific attention to satisfaction than do women; in fact satisfaction governs a man’s life much as love governs a woman’s.

Compatible. Both sexes are born to be compatible with the opposite sex. Its more ability than guarantee for individuals, and it thus requires mutual effort and dedication.

If the sexes were only alike except for reproductive systems, humans would have made themselves extinct long ago. They wouldn’t be able to stand an opposite sex someone so much like them; too much likeness uncovers both excess boredom and keener competition. It’s our gender differences that make our lives compatible, enjoyable, successful, and worthy of replication.

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2608. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 17


They sit at his coffee table with Chinese food and wine. Hank expects an explanation session. They have to get off on the right foot; that is, agreement on his planned solutions to tough issues that are certain to arise. She expects the session to lean toward negotiating but be lengthy and perhaps argumentative. Her attitude has slid into a non-slip, non-skid readiness to jump out of their relationship. Why negotiate? She knows how to make everything work out, because they love each other. That is a proven; these ‘solutions’ of his may undo everything.

Jenny wonders. Why can’t they just go on letting their love of each other advise them what to do and how to live together?

Hank notes her reluctant attitude. Is she getting second thoughts? About his presentation? Or about him? He figures he should try harder.

He passes her a copy of the first item emailed to her and with space for her to make notes. She recalls her initial reaction to the eight-point email and makes a purposeful decision for this encounter: indirectness is out, directness is essential to protect her interests. She reads it.

Item 1. The purpose of life together is sharing; purpose of money is convenience; and purpose of extravagance is to please self at expense of someone else. He seeks agreement to no extravagance, neither in home, cars, nursery, Christmas presents, vacationing, nor child raising. They should negotiate a definition of extravagance for their home and life.

Hank opens the discussion. “I define extravagance as anything we don’t need to hold our marriage together. I know that many of what women call men’s toys will never see our garage or house, but I have to play my part too.”

Jenny overcomes her intuition to resent and resist; she responds: “Okay. How necessary are these to hold us together? Fine or at least decent clothes for me? Both for job and casual. I don’t want you telling me what I should wear based on your opinion of how it will impact our marriage. I dress for you and me, not our life sixty years from now. Nice cars for both of us? Personal taste has no influence? Entertainment costs determined by whose taste? Vacationing in pricey places or camping in the woods? I would choose the former and refuse the latter.”

Jenny can’t hold back. “Frankly, Hank, you’ve gone too far. We can’t make such a decision now, and maybe not ever, to define how extravagance will affect our marriage, I mean.”

Hank responds. “You make sense. Well, how do you see us keeping our spending within boundaries that prevent debilitating debt. The kind of debt that would curtail us living on the high end of decent and low end of extravagance? If I’m to manage our money, I need to know some of your values that will and will not hinder me.”

Jenny, frustrated, reacts pettily. “Why not some extravagance here and there? If something is important to us and our lives, we can live a little extravagantly and compensate with less important things.”

“In other words,” says Hank, “play it by ear and trust to our own and hopefully beneficial judgment?”

Sighing to herself that he may be getting it. “Exactly. Otherwise we bind ourselves to live a life of so much predictability that it becomes ultra boring, we become boring to each other.”

Hank recognizes the root of her attitude change. “I don’t foresee you as ever being boring, but I can accept that this isn’t the time to resolve views that may be contradictory. Save our differences for later. So, let’s move on.” She is already reading the next.

Item 2. Recognizing that financial success comes not from how much money a couple has, he intends to control what they do have. Consequently, he expects one or the other will maintain a budget to control finances, will merge their incomes, and allocate by prioritized needs and wants. He plans to propose this: first, a savings budget: second, pocket money budget for each; third, a home life budget for Jenny to manage; and finally a family budget—aka temporary savings—to cover the remainder with both to manage it. Zero is not allowed in any budget; all must have allocations, otherwise savings can be forgotten when new income arrives. Except for emergencies, big expenses are incurred only with approval of both. Hank has final say when they dispute, except as they negotiate something else. Jenny has full access to records and audit capability. The one most capable, willing, and successful handles the budget process.

“Hank, you have done well identifying the problems. I’m not so sure, however, that working out the details will be so simple or easy. I reserve some options about which I have equal sharing of responsibility for working out the details. Examples: We start with a savings goal of at least 10%. Not all of my income goes into our treasury, or I have two separate budgets, one for me—that includes tithing 10% of my income—and one for the home exclusively out of our treasury. I want a minimum about which expenditure decisions must be mutual; as of now I would expect the minimum to exempt ordinary consumables such as food bills, utilities, and car servicing. And I determine how I get full access to financial records etc. That will do for starters.”

Hank smiles big. “That’s the info I need. Thanks. You’re clear about what you expect; it’s another of your blessings. So let’s move on to the next item about sharing responsibility, authority, and personal influence within the relationship and home.”

They take a bathroom break.

Jenny wonders. Why does Hank seems determined to manage our future under the guise that it’s right for marriage? I can manage our future together, if he does his part with his job and income. If he wants to be responsible for our marriage, is this the way he would do it? Taking over control based on our lives today? Does he not trust me? He seems like another man from the one I’ve been dating. Why continue?

Jenny thinks, he won’t like it, but I intend to wrestle this charade into nothingness.

After the break, pouring more wine, Hank tries to continue. He expects Jenny to be unfamiliar with much of the next item. He begins with some of his history, a quick overview of his resumé to capture her attention.

Jenny interrupts. “Stop, Hank. You go too far. I’m no longer interested in your way of ensuring the success of marriage that has not yet happened. If we can’t do it on faith in one another, we are not right for each other. It is just that simple in my heart. Mutual faith based on mutual love or our marriage won’t work at all.

“What you describe puts cracks in my faith about you. Why do you over-analyze our future together and expect to resolve it in the present? It may fit your purposes, but belittle me and my role and you teach yourself to belittle your love of me. I can’t live with that.”

Feeling slapped, Hank’s anger rises but he calms it. “Honey, my convictions run deep about these matters. You say love and faith are essential. I say lack of respect and trust are the two biggest destroyers of an organization’s effectiveness, and family is an organization, albeit small. With respect and trust, people don’t mistreat others. Without respect and trust, and usually working in background, people torpedo each other’s ship and otherwise capitalize on interpersonal damage they have caused. It happens in homes as well as the work place.”

She is frustrated again. “You’re working on what keeps an organization from falling apart. I’m working on what makes a relationship successful. Two very different things. To me, respect and trust are incidentals that come up within an atmosphere of love and faith. They are factual instances in the present within the larger emotional context of love and faith that are connected and spread like a blanket over the life of a couple.

“I can live with my version but not with yours. Shall we call it quits? Ever since your weekend retreat, you have been another guy than the darling who dated me for over a year.”

Hank’s spirit melts. “Quits? Of course not (but he couldn’t help thinking of missing out on sex with her). No, we don’t call it quits. I still crave to have you as my wife. Perhaps more than ever. Tell me more about being another guy since my retreat. You make it sound as if I’ve disappointed you.”

Trying to figure out how to describe what she was thought, Jenny charges ahead as is she knows exactly what she will say. “You changed. Off all by yourself, I figure it this way. My not being present let you dream independently of all the manly achievements you could present to make us happy together.

“You missed two distressing points. First, your plans are not what makes me happy. Second, your desire to please me magnified your intentions and you doubled down with all you have to offer. Your intentions were good but they floated on an inaccurate reading of my wifely expectations.”

Stunned, Hank swallows his pride with the last swallow of wine. He needs time to think. He thought he had this marriage thing all locked up in mind and spirit. Maybe not!

Having finished the wine, they apologize to each other more liberally than they deserve, and follow it with passionate love up to her limit but short of his objective.

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2329. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part III


Strategic Parenting Shapes the Family Environment

Theme:  It’s the wife and not the mother that keeps a father in the home.

Whatever children learn well before puberty that makes them feel good about themselves, you can expect to last for life. If they learn and feel good acting as adults albeit immature, they are not nearly as vulnerable to teen peer pressure.

  1. Organize first. Arrange family thinking around dual roles for each adult. That is, four roles and with this rank structure: husband, wife, mother, father. Each ‘reports’ to the one next left. The most vital role is the wife. Her responsibility is home and family. She catches it from both sides and is the only one capable and therefore most responsible for coordinating family efforts and trying to orchestrate harmony.
  2. Start with good material. Good father-candidates are identified by their character and willingness to follow this model in the home: Husband bosses wife but mother bosses father. If husband has issues with the kids, he takes it up with his wife and not with the kids themselves. His leadership is most effective when he never imposes it directly except to back up his wife as she does her mothering thing. He stays above the fray of getting children to do what they’re supposed to do and not do. (I know you don’t like “bosses,” but nothing else works in so few words. Two cooks spoil the pie. Two bosses ruin an organization. Wife-mother is in the middle, so let her direct the home orchestrations to achieve harmony. She reports to husband for her performance in raising children, and expects him as father to help and not interfere with her ‘bossing’ them. IOW, husband tells wife what he expects and then as father he enjoys what mother has produced.)
  3. Recruit a better-than-good man. One who has the patience to accept the reality that mom can’t immediately change a child’s excursions into what or where they shouldn’t go just to please her husband’s expectations. If he frustrates easily over small things, put him back in the parade. He likely will harangue his wife or their mother just because he’s irritated or angry with himself. Red flag.
  4. Build the family attitude. Base and continually promote respect for each other first as person, then as male/female, then according to their respective roles and responsibilities within the family. Then, follow up the teaching and promoting with heapings of love spread evenly among all members. Without mutual respect first however, mutual love is seldom achieved.
  5. Moms shouldn’t suffer. Mother has the hardest time earning mutual respect. She earns it easiest and best this way. a) She keeps the children advised that most importantly she’s the wife of and responsible to her husband. It’s easier to earn the respect of others when you live up to someone bigger than yourself. Such as wife up to husband and children up to parents. b) As mother, she’s responsible for the upbringing of her children. c) She has the constant approval of husband as the kids see it. As much as husband displays lack of respect for his wife, it weakens respect of children for mother. (It happens most easily when father sides with the kids against mom. He elevates father over mother and it undercuts his wife, which displays lack of respect and reduces kids’ respect of mother.)
  6. Disagreement stifles. Effective parents never let the kids see them disagree over decisions about them. Permission to do this or that, for example. The first parent to make a decision, the other backs them. Parents subsequently take it behind closed door to resolve differences. Otherwise, children learn to play one parent against the other, which makes parenting much more difficult.
  7. The right target beckons. Raise children to be good adults and they will turn out to be average or good children. Raise them aimed at becoming great children and they will turn out to be poor or less-than-average or poor adults.
  8. The future beckons. Always focused on the future, mothers predominantly shape behaviors by shaping childish thoughts into more mature thoughts. ‘Stop that and learn this’ type of leadership. Parents do best by helping rather than directing a child’s aspirations and ambitions and aiming them toward adulthood instead of some earlier period in life such as adolescence.
  9. Self-developers emerge. Children develop best when they and peers organize playtime activities. Parental organizing for play interferes with self-development. It demonstrates with action that kids are not trusted even in their own domain of play.
  10. Guidance tops directness. Focus parental effort on guiding and encouraging kids and less on discipline and punishment. As self-developers, they develop aspirations and ambitions beyond the present. If well respected by parents and siblings, they dream about becoming adults. If not respected that way, they dream about earning self-respect through immature methods such as adolescent lures and behaviors, games and drugs for example. Respect compounded by parental love keeps their aims aligned as parents hope. Parental guidance is most productive by helping bring to fruition dreams for their adult lives.
  11. Kids make mistakes. They learn quickly from experience. Prevent their making mistakes and over supervise and it slows or discourages their development. Enhance their self-development and you raise good adult-minded kids. Teach and don’t fight against their efforts to play-now-and-get-serious-later, or you raise poorly behaved children. Each child has ways of letting parents know when they over supervised. It’s not over-supervision that is the culprit but the child’s perception and growing conviction of it. Respecting each child as a person provides feedback for parents to determine when appropriate to guide or supervise.
  12. Don’t become friends. Parents who would first be friends with their children abrogate leadership responsibility. They try to lead without authority they give away by making the child equal as friend, which the child sees as a huge competitive advantage and can’t resist using. When it doesn’t turn out as equal as expected and parent still governs the child’s behavior, the child rebels internally but not so evidently to the parent. The crux is here: The parent is well intentioned, but the child seeks advantages that inspire disingenuousness and even hidden dishonesty. The end result promotes disrespect for the parent that is overlooked because of their good intentions and conviction they are doing right. The child’s behavior out of parent’s sight deteriorates to the opposite that the parent hopes for.
  13. Life ain’t easy. Don’t make it easy for kids. It teaches them to continually look for the easier way throughout life, and it later shows up harmfully as weak sense of family responsibility.
  14. Assign responsibility. Match their maturity. Even toddlers should have something to do routinely. Nothing teaches character better than having responsibility and being held accountable. Responsibility assigned to match maturity. Accountability imposed seriously but gently and forgivingly by mom enables kids to learn they like to please her. As they mature it turns into liking to do their duty. First they learn to please mom. Next, they learn that they like to please her. The long range effect is a stronger sense of family responsibility. Finally, boys learn that they please themselves by pleasing mom. Girls learn from being gently and forgivingly held accountable that it works later for raising their children and coaching the man they love.
  15. Worth repeating. Men thrive on responsibility, and so nothing raises boys into good men any better than an early-developed sense of duty. Don’t expect or teach perfection. Teach stick-to-it-iveness, finish the job. Kids understand completion or finish much, much better than perfection or adult standards or expectations. Respect them enough to let them determine the quality they can produce. Boys start by trying to outfox mom. When they see that inadequate performance doesn’t displease her, through repetition they teach themselves to do better. Think of keeping their room uncluttered or well organized. After awhile they do it well in order to please themselves for pleasing mom. It’s the same process by which they will later love their wives.
  16. Mothers reward themselves. They routinely express their love and affection to a child they birthed or someone else. She feels better for just having expressed her love. Once the conscious mind opens and a child recognizes he or she is also a person, they can figure things out accurately as they sense it but immaturely for others. By mom showing trust as more important than her love, her child is more easily convinced of mom’s love. IOW, without respect mostly in the form of trust, even showers of abundant love can be unimpressive and unconvincing.

Strategically, the home environment is a complicated place. It’s run more by subconscious habits than conscious thought. Shaping and arranging personal habits to produce a harmonized setting for a good family is primarily the work of woman.

Men sense it to be true but low self-esteem, self-image, or both often cause husbands to interfere, which sends loud messages that wife is not respected, which means not truly loved. Also uninformed about making organizations function well, such men take literally the practice of submission and use dominance to interfere with woman’s work of raising children to become good adults.

Wife responds by fighting back to defend, protect, or win her way of doing things. It triggers disrespect from husband, wife responds with her own version of disrespect, and the war begins.

As children view it, their future turns bleak. Even they can guess groundwork being laid for parental separation. Instinctively they sense but probably don’t recognize that repeated disrespect foretells the likely death and prevention of restoring love.

Editorial comment is next at 2330 and Tactical Parenting: Guidance and Encouragement follows at 2331.

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2176. Dating in Mid-life — Part C9: Prepare Against Submission


Gotcha! Prepare against submission? Yes, and do it while dating. No legal, moral, marital, or biblical injunction makes you submit. In fact, both sexes have free will, both are made to be compatible as mates, and to submit means that one side loses. However, superior relationship wisdom enables women to generate win-win regularly if not every time. Your relationship expertise ranks with adaptability and survivability as cardinal traits that enable the irresistible force to move immovable objects.

Your man may not have been taught any better; he might try to enforce submission. You may have to teach him. Indirectly works smoothest and leadership by example works best. Your examples can be absorbed as logic, reason, and the compatible nature of mating. Men look for logic and reason and love the likeability afforded by compatibility.

Marital common sense to teach such things is embedded in the female nature. Not in you? Not to worry. I’m here to help. As you will soon see, submissiveness is the hub around which revolves most of the important family interactions.

When you marry and husband expects you to submit, you steal his thunder by revealing a submissive spirit that shows him how smartly he married. Submissive, it’s an adjective describing you as volunteering; you don’t do mandatory. Why volunteer? Are the following 16 reasons enough?

1) A family can’t stay together with two leaders, too bosses equally yoked to the same undivided responsibility. They eventually fight for dominance. 2) A man won’t conscientiously honor and fulfill his responsibility unless he appears to dominate control of it; it’s his nature and often more ego than logical. 3) You are more flexible, the relationship expert, and the only one capable of balancing and harmonizing all the challenges inherited with family life. Without you taking the home load off of husband, he’s not free enough to earn a good living. 4) Two bosses can be successful only when they agree to having separate responsibilities, and a separation of powers empowers and rewards them both. 5) Children can’t function much less develop successfully, if they have unequal standards and expectations to which they must respond. It causes confusion to reign, teaches rebellion, and kids learn to play one parent against the other. Everyone functions better with only one boss, and kids respond best to mom with backup from her husband. 6) You can’t manage the home without husband’s recognition and acceptance that it is your responsibility, which places you in the follower’s role wherein submissiveness pays off with greater success for both parties. 7) A successful organization needs both a chief executive officer and chief operating officer, CEO as ultimate authority and COO to administer CEO policies. 8) The ultimate authority is no better than the chief operator below who promotes the respect due him, protects his reputation, and preserves his dignity even when he doesn’t deserve it. 9) The next-to-ultimate authority does best when looked upon as supporter and facilitator of CEO’s expectations. 10) Men are satisfied and significant—happy in your words—when someone weaker proves to be stronger in surprising and dedicated ways. 11) Whereas husband can’t do it at least by his nature, you can bring the superiority of your gender into the home—especially adjust-ability and survivability—in ways that everyone benefits. 12) He’s not naturally willing; only you can find ways to balance his dominance against getting your way sufficiently to fulfill your hopes and dreams. 13) Converting from courtship to marriage, you’re capable and understand the wisdom of shifting from the competitive mode of protecting yourself to the cooperative mode of fulfilling your marriage. 14) He’s generally unwilling to do something about it, but you are well enabled to find ways to smooth the rough edges from his dominance. 15) With his constant focus on the present, and your focus more in the future, you’re better situated to adjust to his present-day needs than he to your future aspirations. 16) Submissiveness enables you to impose a rank structure that calms family leadership jitters. In rank order, this works well: husband, wife, mother, father, and children, which splits adult roles into four separate responsibilities for better, more efficient, and more easily acceptable decision making.

Accomplishing all those things fits naturally into your marital persona. He’ll see all the merit once he’s taught by you. Success starts with your submissiveness that so clearly matches up with your relationship expertise and the other blessings you inherit at birth. Then you can fit him into your nest. (You may find other benefits at Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.)

To prepare for dating, I suggest you study those 16 items above for the different roles that you and future husband will fill. Then, measure each man against your imagination of how you two will fill those roles. That is, imagine how his personality would fit yours in this situation, just for example. As his wife and ‘second in command’, you hold him up as more important than the kids. Yet, as their mother, you fight him in favor of the kids. Can and will he help fulfill your hopes and dreams and be Mr. Good Enough? Or…?

You might deny it, but I view it this way. Mystique mystifies you, vanity promotes you, modesty protects you, marriage insures you, and submissiveness elevates you to kingpin in the monogamy-sphere. Nothing else produces a more successful family. You see, when you know what you’re doing, you do everything right for everyone. It’s your superior conscience. That, darling, is what the submissive spirit enables you to do. To give it a fanciful name, I call it sterling wifeliness.

——

P.S. For background material, you may wish to review the 12-part submission series that runs with interruptions from 2043 to 2058. (Or, two dozen other articles with submissive/submission in title plus a chapter in my book.)

 

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2161. Dating in Mid-life — Part B5: Conquest and Marriage Matrix


At 2159 Her Highness Emma wondered if “higher urges of sex drive or need for admiration” dismisses the urge for a long term union. I’m not sure alpha-ness, testosterone, or any other single feature is the ‘determinator’ of either a man’s drive to specialize at conquering women or his preference for a short or long term marriage.

A dating man can never completely know you. Conquest convinces that he knows you quite well enough to deal with you as he desires. On the other hand, the better you know men and learn to know one without having to yield, the greater your advantage. I know women are better readers of men than the other way around. While the table below may seem too abstract, it may well help you along.

The table presents the dating arena as three dimensional: conquest, marriage, and time, presuming that both sexes will appear slightly different at different times. It reflects the combination of mental ingredients and psychic determinations that I think contribute the most motivational force in each direction of the dating arena.

 HOW MEN PURSUE CONQUEST AND MARRIAGE  Self-esteem: How well he likes (high), regrettably dislikes (low), or even loathes himself (lowest) as a person.  Self-image: Picture he has of himself as an effective and easily satisfied man or, perhaps, the opposite, or somewhere in between.

 

Self-interest: His personal intentions and goals that urge him to action and inaction; the same way self- interest motivates everyone.
High interest in conquering many women. Low or lowest self-esteem; he can’t highly esteem others until they prove themselves highly worthy of respect and maybe not even then.

 

Dominant self-image; uses it to prove himself superior to women and men he can dominate or outcompete. Uses sexual excitement and achievement to earn self-admiration, personal satisfaction, and significance.
Low interest in conquering many women. High self-esteem; shares it by readily respecting others; has special esteem and even respect for the weaker sex. Self-assured self-image; satisfied with who he is and what he does; needs little from women because he can be easily satisfied by one.

 

Has other challenges than frequent conquests; other goals have better return on investment for his time and effort.
Not interested in long-term marriage; thinks more of not closing off options. Low or lowest self-esteem; has very limited ability to like others for very long time; tires easily of familiar personalities; seeks excitement.

 

Poorly defined self-image; easily frustrated and keeps options open to escape easily at his discretion. Has broad rather than deep interest in marriage; keeps options open to easily shift from tiring to fresh challenges.
Interested in long-term marriage; willing to commit with expectations for life. High self-esteem; likes himself so well he readily and enjoyably shares his likeability. Self-energizing picture of himself; eager to step up to greater responsibility. Envisions pleasurable life in companionship and challenge of greater responsibility especially for others.

 

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2157. Dating in Mid-life — Part B1: You Gotta’ Know the Territory


Her Highness MeowMeow at 2153 asked about dating in one’s fifties. I expand it to ages 30 to 60 and deepen it to include developing (but not maintaining) a lifetime relationship. After all, that’s the unspoken objective and endless dream behind all dating for women in mid-life.

Some women too easily, however, give up before they exhaust the blessings they inherit at birth. They shouldn’t. Hope springs eternal from the heart of a woman, and by God’s design it enables you to make your world turn in your favor. Born to be happy, you earn it as you find and expand your gratefulness while searching, capturing, and relating with a man. Hopefully he’s valuable and beneficial for your mellowing lifestyle. But if he’s no better than adequate, it’s no reason to give up. You’re powerfully skilled to improve a relationship that starts out short of perfect.

Age doesn’t matter before first date if you exploit your relationship expertise. You aim at success. It calls for you to exploit your own strengths, compensate for your weaknesses, make the most of new man’s strengths, and ignore his weaknesses long enough to learn to also compensate for them. The female heart is wonderfully designed and powerfully blessed to exploit strengths and weaknesses and do it well. After learning, of course, and avoiding discouragement from the few or even more mistakes made along the way.

It all may sound too complex to fathom, but my role is to make the process simpler so you can make it easier for yourself and more meaningful for the next man in your life. I present this series in four major sections: a) the children (posted at 2156 and more to follow), b) relationship development process, c) your role, and d) the roles of men.

Relationship Development Process.

Others talk endlessly about the dating scene. Most women’s interest at every age, however, is about what dating leads to. It’s the start up to merging two or more lives together harmoniously and hopefully for life. So, all about dating that follows is designed to help women develop relationships that lead to permanency. All else is folderol or fun and games and irrelevant here.

By nature women are processors; they keep things going. Men are producers; they find satisfaction in making single events and results come out as intended. First date is a production and belongs to the man. Second date begins the relationship development process and your involvement. Being a series of events, dating one guy or many, the process works to the woman’s advantage or she’s not doing it right. That’s why women float along under the stewardship of each individual dater; return engagements are best produced by not driving the bus. Men are willing to deliver one date at a time, because they hope with minimal obligation to discover what price they must eventually pay to get you in bed.

You all know this but—especially during passionate moments—it’s inconvenient to remember it. Men date to associate and work up to getting sex. Women date to develop a lasting relationship. They compete. Each tries to sell the other on their agenda. He works directly but tries to disguise it with dynamic selling of himself. You work indirectly, and it takes you much longer to sell a man on your agenda. If you can’t find time and reason to hold him off and complete your sale, you yield first time sex and he wins and you may or may not lose him. What happens after his conquest is unknown until after it happens. He changes, and then you find out how accurate and true were his words. How he really, truly feels about you—or doesn’t. You take all the risk or you don’t get very far.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way for you to uncover a man’s intentions. Wait to see his actions and believe what he does after your first sex together, and locked in marriage is optimal. After his momentous conquest outside of marriage, he will be a changed man. He also takes charge of your sexual agenda as conqueror’s right, and you become keeper, booty, or dumpee. You don’t know which until the time comes, unless you have delayed conquest long enough for his devotion to you alone to have developed. That means months at least and perhaps a year or more of courtship.

Romantic love is often a scene stealer, disguiser of truth. It may or may not contribute to the enduring love that you hope will follow after romantic love fades a year or two after conquest.

Over the first few decades of life, the youthful attitudes of both sexes change. Out of unsuccessful relationships and soured marriages, the genders shy away from closeness except often for the mutual comfort of sex. But sex doesn’t bond men, only women.

Consequently, you are more interested than men for developing a relationship, and it generates three burdens for you in the dating arena. You have to virtually ignore risks to your feelings, learn to proceed cautiously, and have to earn the respect of each man you date. Moreover, development works best when you neither explain yourself or your feelings directly, nor try to convince him of your love with words. He believes much more easily what he figures out for himself.

You have to earn a permanent relationship. You do so by actions that show new man that he’s admired and favored over others. Oh, not on first date but both later and by indirectness. It enables him to see promise in you that can and likely will help fulfill his present life and future ambitions.

From day one you should claim these truths as part of your attitude. Men stay married when they sense themselves rewarded and admired for husbanding, fathering, and believing that only they can do as well at what they do best. That is, produce, provide, protect, and problem solve for those to whom they accept responsibility.

During dating and courtship, you should get your mind and heart wrapped around how to do your part in that scenario. After marriage is too late to start. Without it being habitual in your heart before marriage, the glow of bridal success will keep your focus elsewhere and thus hold you back. The absence of admiration, respect, dependence, and gratefulness for his presence in your life are toxic to a marriage, and so should be developed in courtship.

Men date for fun and games and put sex at the top of the priority list. When you don’t have a plan to follow, it releases men to follow their interest, which inevitably doesn’t work well for you. Expecting to develop a relationship, you do best when you have solid intentions that are more important in your heart than having a date or dates (more later about a plan).

That’s the territory. Now, let’s talk about the value of chaste courtships that fall automatically out of chaste dates and the promise of more chastity. It’s coming tomorrow at #2158.

 

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins