Tag Archives: rules

416. Toxic Love

Life is the game, love is the trophy. Life has ‘rules’, but love works well without restraints, restrictions, and rules but most of all without competition.

Men expect to compete with men. They dislike competing with women and will not do it long with their own. They discourage easily, because the male nature is made to compete with men.

Men don’t love competitors, but they do find them companionable. So, early marital stages can go well. But with a competitive woman, a man learns quickly that he can never measure up; she always finds a way to win. She overrides or demeans his decisions in domains he considers his own.

A competing wife prevents her man from getting to deep and abiding love for her. She short-circuits his heart strings. She makes their relationship a rivalry, and he loses interest in being responsible. With a weakened sense of responsibility for his domain, his love for her doesn’t grow into the enduring kind that lasts.  

So, he gets fed up, splits up, and looks for another woman. He expects to find the same thing, so, he’ll accept infatuation and lust as prelude to shack up but not true love so essential for successful marriage. Burned once, etc….

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256. Newlywed Bonding #6 — Blessings

Just the term ‘budgeting’ scares some people. Like other processes, however, it can be learned by experimenting and mastered through practice. Newlyweds have four strengths to guide them:

1.     Some income. (It’s usually not enough, so spending control can be critical to avoid great indebtedness just getting settled into marriage.)

2.     Mutual interest to have enough money for a good life together.

3.     Two different and talented minds operating with joint purpose to succeed in marriage. When those minds operate as one in financial matters, wealth grows.

4.     Mental flexibility. A spouse can suppress the urges for impulse buying, compulsive shopping, and instant gratification when they have something bigger to live up to—for example, rewards that flow out of budgeting rules designed to overwhelm such bad habits.

So, as newlywed couple, wherever you’re at, do the best you can with what you’ve got. Think control before spending instead of the reverse.

More follows in future posts.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 256, 247, 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

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230. Newlywed Bonding #2 —Virtue as glue

Newlywed life should not be about surviving storms, but learning how to dance in the rain. The dance instructor is virtue. Her gown is adorable femininity. His tux is admirable manliness. Dance shoes are their characters. The dance floor is home.

Daily pressures threaten every home. ‘Virtuous behavior’, as defined in this and future posts, glue a marriage by overcoming daily shock and awe. Couples make it happen, if they identify and dedicate inside defenses against outside threats.

The first and most important defense is this: Live up to things bigger than spouse, self, and even togetherness. This puts each spouse on the right road to virtuous behavior in the home.

Two strategies enable it: Worship God first, honor spouse second, and rank self as next in line. Belief in this ‘chain of command’ solidifies emotions around what’s most important to each spouse.

The second strategy is this: Create a series of principles and rules that lead to goal achievement and squabble prevention. Three arenas are the most vital: respect, money, and teamwork.

Each will be described in future posts. Not as advice, but as concepts that can work. Not as requirements, but as options for newlyweds to choose and use as they see fit.

When a couple can define and adhere to standards and expectations of their own making —aka virtues—then they breed complementary, cooperative, and compatible behavior. It’s the essence of marital glue and the driving force behind hopes and dreams.

[This newlywed series starts at post 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]





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133. Woman as Boss — #1 — Introduction

The male and female ego go head-to-head when a woman is the boss. Many men can’t handle it, but of course the problem is each man’s. Her best practice at all times rests with dodging disrespect. Using or avoiding the following practices accumulate benefits over time.

1.      Leadership means to inspire people to do what they may not particularly care to do and do it well. Over-supervision squelches inspiration and trust, which weakens belief in the leader, which reduces respect.

2.      Management means arranging things, shaping events, and coordinating outcomes. Micromanaging squelches initiative, signals distrust, and undercuts the authority of others. Each of these results earns disrespect, and men are particularly sensitive to loss of authority.

3.      The female nature easily leads to miscalculations and misjudgments in the workplace. For example, some women pay too much attention to emotional disturbances that men expect to resolve or live with on their own. Interference can breed disrespect.

4.      Some women imitate the way they think men lead, manage, and emphatically boss. They duplicate what they see, have seen, or deduce that men do. Acting outside her female character earns disrespect, and getting bossier from frustration earns more.

5.      Some women focus more on the process of working than producing results. They seek to integrate relationships and manage emotions. By taking their eye off what workers are producing, they lose respect.  

6.      Their child-raising instincts push women into bad habits dealing with subordinates. The male nature cringes at orders from an authority figure female. Men can adjust to women telling them WHAT to do but not HOW to do it. When told HOW, men lose interest in doing it, and she loses respect. (Women can test this first hand with their Honey-do list.)

7.      Don’t complain and don’t explain. When the boss does either, she empowers others to judge her—and they will. Their respect for her declines with each judgment that they or someone else could do better.

8.      Whatever policies, practices, and rules she formulates or follows need no explanation when they have been violated. If she explains to the violator, she gives up her authority as discriminator about violations and will be judged weak. Either her or her rules will be found wanting and disrespected. 

9.      Women focus on relationships in the workplace. Men deal with principles that smooth and level out emotions. For example: Men work best under these leadership principles. Assign responsibility to each person such that everyone is aware of who does what. Delegate authority to each person sufficient to fulfill their responsibility. Hold everyone accountable for a job well done or not done satisfactorily. Bosses that do this well earn greater respect.

10.  Praise and chastise individuals ONLY in private for reasons explained next below.

11.  Praise and chastise teams as a whole and don’t cite individuals for special recognition, good or bad. Other team members will disagree when they are not included. This far too easily breeds envy, jealousy, and whining that fertilizes disrespect for the boss. Those not recognized in front of others do not have access to the boss’ agenda. So, they can’t be expected to understand how ‘heroic’ is someone else. Also, they feel they contributed at least as much and maybe more. That is, “The boss just doesn’t know what all goes on where I work.”

12.  The female nature automatically earns less respect and less enthusiasm from people in a structured organization. So, a woman boss’ strength lies with femininity. Why? Because men greatly respect women strong on feminine mystique, female modesty, religious loyalty, and moral standards that men would not choose for or by themselves, and female-defined and -friendly manners, expectations, and social standards. Any effective leader needs respect above all else.

All this is not to say a woman can’t be a good boss, but she has a much tougher assignment than men. See CONTENTS page at blog top for more about Woman as Boss.


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