Tag Archives: self-confidence

1714. Marital Compatibility: The Virus Inoculation — Self-respect

I thank Her Highness Dawn Solomon. I worked for days to make #1713 clear and unambiguous and knew that it wouldn’t be enough. Her questions trigger this follow-on. As she describes my post, self-respect is “nebulous and broad” in action. So, I describe it more precisely and in combination with other factors that strongly influence or manage human behavior.

  • Self-esteem is how well we like ourselves, not as male or female, but just as a person. It’s a foundation planted in infancy, unchangeable in life, but convincingly felt higher by faith in Christ. Think of it as a four-part spectrum—self-love, self-like, self-dislike, and self-hatred—generated naturally during infant brain ‘wiring’ but made better or worse by the childcare manner used and personal worth implanted by infant caregivers. (For example, poor or rough treatment lowers self-esteem but gentle loving and touching tends to raise it.)
  • Self-image is the picture we have of ourselves and how we function in life and fit ourselves among other people. The picture changes constantly as we shape our lives, live up to our expectations, and respond to societal pressures. We continually measure our satisfaction as man or woman by how and what we perceive as our successes and failures. Self-image is the governor of our life; it oversees most every decision we make consciously. When we drift out of our picture of ourselves or act contrary to it, our conscience is triggered and we compensate with action, guilt, or alibi. (For example, we explode at some friend and apologize, sulk away guiltily, or explain with an excuse for getting out of line.)
  • Self-interest motivates us to seek what we want and avoid what we don’t want. By weighing events and conditions against what’s good or bad for us, women decide how to sustain or improve their sense of self-importance and men their sense of self-admiration.  (For example, girls figure they’re good enough for any man, and they don’t have to learn to cook. Boys figure they’re already good enough for any woman, and so they don’t have to learn to please them except for access to sex.)
  • Self-respect is how well we like our self-image that changes continually as we operate in and fill our many roles in life. Here are just a few of the hundreds of roles: man, woman, husband, wife, aviator, auto driver, grease monkey, cook, father, mother, architect, athlete, associate, friend, grandfather, engineer, grandmother, business man, child of God, follower of Christ, elected representative, frugal spender, American, foreigner, democrat, leader, diplomat, provider/protector, problem solver, voter, republican, and the multitude of other roles we fill as we both govern our lives and interact with others. (Note this difference: Self-esteem reflects our value as a person, self-image as man or woman.)
  • Self-confidence is a major sustainer and builder of self-respect. Elevate and act out higher self-confidence and higher self-respect follows. Fake it ‘til you make it works. (Hint, hint! Wife’s buildup of husband’s self-confidence indirectly but favorably improves husband’s self-respect or helps prevent its decline.)

Mix, juggle, and add emotional friction amid all those factors in the subconscious mind, aka the heart. Outwardly, people see the reality summarized in our attitude dealing with them and others.

Her Highness Dawn also asked how self-respect plays a part in marital compatibility. If a man likes himself as husband, provider/protector, and pleaser of his woman, his self-respect shines in marriage. The same applies to his other roles in life. If his self-respect shines, so does his sense of responsibility, integrity, and good heartedness in those roles. If it doesn’t shine, he looks to fix it but neither the process nor result may be likeable for his wife.

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1274. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 41

  • “Men seldom make passes at girls that wear glasses.” Coined by Dorothy Parker, it’s a myth. Men value attractiveness very differently than females.
  • Females that dress less than full of feminine pride carry an aura of masculine disdain and even arrogance about the opinions of other people. Social success more easily escapes them except as they are sexually active.
  • Moms that love themselves greatly for being female seem more able and inclined to defer gratification about the sex of their unborn children. They more easily anticipate the surprise at birth as a great gift they deserve. Their sense of importance thus revolves around one concentrated point in time. Thus, delivery makes their self-importance soar. They become more proud and glorious than if they had known the sex beforehand.
  • A big difference exists between doing something wrong, which attacks your self-confidence and not doing something right, which attacks your conscience.
  • To forgive relieves the conscious mind and to forget relieves the subconscious mind of bothersome issues and burdens. Since over 99 percent of our behavior is stimulated by the subconscious mind, forgetfulness is more important than forgiveness insofar as our own behaviors are affected. If forgiveness doesn’t produce forgetfulness, the forgiveness is not sincere.
  • We’ve lived with IQ for nearly a century. Psychologists now test and measure EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). What both sexes need is MAQ, Marital Acceptability Quotient. (I don’t know how to create or use it, but I’d love to help shape the test items. Any psych researchers out there interested in collaborating on such a project?)

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925. THE MALE MATRIX: alpha, beta, gamma—Part III









Earns respect by showing: Attitude of significance & dominance. Willingness to go along to get along. Willingness to work for it.
Fills masculine role of producing, providing, protecting, problem solving Totally self-confident about his ability, so he tackles it eagerly. Varies greatly as product of his self-confidence and drive to give of himself. Lacks self-confidence and tackles everything cautiously or not at all.
Guilt: Suffers very little guilt except when he disappoints Self. Guilt more closely aligns with female guilt. Accepts guilt easily, and especially as females lay it on him.
Handles fear with: Actions that either remove or minimize causes. Mixture of worry and actions to keep his mind occupied. Worry long before action.
Handles mid-life crisis Tough on his psyche, self-confidence, and to deal with; can take actions that appear drastic; a trophy can generate wild swings in his moral compass. Handles it better than alpha, but still may take drastic action; his moral compass easily loses its magnetic hold on him; likely includes trophy hunt and maybe 20-year ditch.**Post 65 Handles it better than alpha β not likely to alter his persona; may not experience it; believes he’s forever young.

An extra dollop of thought: If a beta pursues a woman, she says she just wants to be friends. If an alpha pursues her, she gets excited and goes into full disclosure mode. Both are the opposite of what she should do to maximize the odds for one of them being Mr. Good Enough. Parenthetically, an alpha pursues without fear of rejection, so making him work harder increases his commitment. Betas weaken in pursuit mode; the direct interest of a beta means pursuit of sex more likely than pursuit of her, so why should she seek friendship?

NOTE: More follows tomorrow and beyond.


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602. Response to Viewer—Item 14: Pretty is as Pretty Does

I dedicate this article to Her Prettiness Laura. She asked how men see ‘pretty’ differently than women.

Answer: It doesn’t matter and best if women don’t think about it. Reasons follow, but consider everything one level below her sexual attractiveness and his conquering mode. This means ‘pretty’ in the non-sexual sense. Even though that’s an impossible viewpoint, assume it anyway.

Females think of ‘pretty’ in terms of attire, grooming, and individual techniques used to enhance their appearance. They focus on details that show off their physical attributes as best practicable. It makes them feel good. It bloats self-image, enhances self-esteem, and stabilizes self-interest. Pretty serves females. For males it’s serendipitous.

  • Females define ‘pretty’, because they suit themselves. They know intuitively that men identify ‘pretty’ by personal taste but biased by sexual interests.
  • Thus, women see ‘pretty’ in two shades: To make herself attractive sexually, or to make men focus on her person rather than sex.
  • Two shades polarize Womanhood and confuse women, which creates doubt in mothers. They let daughters generate prettiness standards that generate popularity and capture temporary boyfriends. Consequently, increasing with each new generation, confused Womanhood leads to sexual exploitation of females.         

Men primarily skip appearance to focus on exposed skin or other sex symbols. Women made the invitation customary, and so men do it more assertively than our forefathers.

  • When not so energized to focus on sex, however, men see ‘pretty’ as everything all wrapped up in one person. ‘Pretty’ means her best features shine pleasantly. Her individual techniques, grooming treatments, and special efforts don’t impress men, so they focus on the whole. Her overall appearance pleases manly viewing. 
  • But when asked what creates prettiness, men spotlight favorite features. This points out that men don’t care how she got pretty, they’re just glad that she is. This frees up females to determine and establish their own standards for prettiness. 
  • When men ask men what makes women pretty, they cite face, shape, boobs, buns, legs, or a mix. Modern women pay attention to that and not what men would say to women.
  • If they bother to ask, women get different answers. Unfortunately, several decades ago feminists convinced women not to listen to what men have to say about females.
  • When sincere, men answer women this way: They attribute prettiness to less sex-oriented features, especially the basics of attire and grooming. Men intuitively know that women pay attention to the obvious. In this way men go along with what women determine is ‘pretty’ or not. Men only confirm and appreciate ‘pretty’, they don’t define it.

Pay attention, Ladies. Men don’t know how pretty an individual female can be until they see it. Females make themselves pretty to please themselves and no one else. They judge ‘pretty’ by what becomes successful and standardized at entertaining masculine eyeballs. Popular standards guide and prevent radical appearances.

  • To be sure, the male gender benefits when females prettify themselves. If individuals let that influence them to not be at their prettiest, men don’t know the difference. But such women torpedo their own self-image, self-esteem, and self-interest—which costs them self-confidence dealing with men.
  • Boiled down even further: She should not prettify herself to please particular men (unless at husband’s request, of course). But manly feedback is essential to measure her success and guide her prettifying efforts.
  • Success of Womanhood appealing to the male gender also standardizes female appearance, which determines ‘pretty’ when made popular, and which she needs to guide her efforts at making herself different but not too different or radical.

Consequently, ‘pretty’ is a one-sided battle of the sexes. It succeeds with female coaching, planning, playing, and officiating. Men are for feedback more than to be pleased.

NOTE: The title at top paraphrases Forrest Gump’s mom, and I credit Winston Groom, the author of Forrest Gump.


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448. VIRTUE—Magnet for Males —SECTION II

We know that men judge women mainly by their outer appearance. So, women focus on the males’ habits.

Women give men no credit for reading the inner woman, and, admittedly, men don’t do it well. But, men perceive subliminal messages that feed their self-interest, however weak, wrong, or garbled the signals.

Conquering thoughts fill a man’s mind. Simultaneously, his subconscious registers many messages that women either send by design, ignorance, or chance. The messages accumulate and synthesize into his interpretation of her virtues, from which he intuitively predicts her value to his present, future, or both.

Virtue ‘credits’ accumulate from her attire, grooming, attitude, and behaviors that emphasize:

©     Modesty rather than sex.

©     Persona rather than a specific shape.

©     Self-sufficiency rather than need-for-attention.

©     Self-respect rather than easytoget.

©     Hardtoget rather than low self-esteem.

©     Respect for other women rather than trying to steal their man.

©     Self-confidence rather than worry.

©     Avoiding shame and guilt rather than recovering from it.

©     Enjoyable femaleness rather than sense of inferiority.

©     Inner strength rather than emotional weakness.

©     Open pleasantness rather than anger.

©     Prettiness rather than comfort.

©     Neatness rather than sloppiness.

©     Hits as compliment rather than taking offense.

©     Morality imposed over the immoral.

©     Authority rather than vulnerability.

©     Character rather than uncertainty.

©     Standards rather than wishy-washiness.

©     Mystery rather than disclosure.

©     Need for respect rather than popularity.

©     Unmarried sex as taboo rather than okay.

©     Female pride rather than faked masculinity.

The value that men place on these and other factors varies by individual. But the accumulation and synthesis of messages determines her virtuous character, her value to his present and future.

The next post describes learning about virtue.


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435. Self-forgiveness

A 22-year old college woman asked me: What can a woman do to gain confidence back [after she dishonors her vow to chastity] so that she may feel motivated to practice virtual virginity? These starters may help:

First, forgive yourself. If you believe in the Lord, also seek it from Him. We all make mistakes. This means that recovery is everything, and the following shows a lot about how to do it.

Second, forget uplifting your self-esteem. Time, along with trust in the Lord, does that better than anything else. But read post #11 anyway.

Third, the guilt you feel is insignificant to the faulty character of the guy responsible. You showed great self-dedication holding him at bay for a couple years. He showed cowardly irresponsibility by running away after victory. His conquering spirit was actually that of an adolescent con man. He won’t grow out of that persona either. Who wants that for a mate? Can he be depended on? Trusted? Even wanted? Pity his next girlfriend.    

Fourth, work to improve your self-image. This takes accomplishments. It’s the picture you have of yourself in terms of roles, capabilities, strengths, and other blessings that God and Nature endowed you with. I offer a few suggestions:

·        Change your lifestyle to anything desirable that will focus your mind on other things. For example, if you don’t exercise, start. If you do, change modes. If you don’t cook, learn. If you don’t eat alone, learn to enjoy it. Increase your efforts to relate with and give to others. If you don’t go to church. Start. If you do, become more regular and purposeful. (Also read post #42.)  

·        Re-identify your hopes and dreams. Commit to the personal policies, practices, and standards that will fulfill them for you.

·        Get a makeover. Not for the guys, but for yourself. Makeover your lifestyle. Move to greater femininity as defined by women (but not young men who now tie feminine and skank together).   

·        Get a hairstyle that requires heavy maintenance. Then spend more time grooming yourself in a mirror. Researchers claim no benefits come to hair stroked 100 times a day. However, self-image benefits come from preening yourself. They load you up with a self-image more appealing to you. Waste time on yourself, and it will help you overcome guilt.

Fifth, don’t look for outside help. Don’t complain, don’t explain. Just take all matters in your own hands and handle them with the talent and skills you have. Follow the old maxim: If it is to be, it is up to me.

Sixth, keep this in mind: Depression comes from losing one’s sense of control over events and their life. Get more active, and you’ll drive away any tendency toward depression.

NOTE: I tip my hat in honor of the pretty and self-sufficient coed that inspired this post.


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219. Female challenges

A nice lady asked if my blog applies to large women. Yes, plus those not perfectly shaped. (I ignore genetic causes.) A few reminders follow for women unproductively worried about such things.

☺ Oversized and imperfect shapes have many culprits: low sense of self-worth, unflattering image of physical self, lack of self-respect and self-confidence, bad habits, stinking thinking, and on and on. Mostly, however, it’s food intake inspired by frustration, loneliness, or discomfort tied in with some or all of the above.

☺ Her size and shape too easily mislead her thinking. For example, the nagging voice about weight is her enemy. Nagging herself, just as nagging a man, produces unintended consequences.

☺ Her size, shape, and presentation of body is her choice—past, present, and future. Self-interest and common sense say she should forever make her body and its appearance follow what she decides is best for her future.

☺ Guilt about the past is counterproductive. Self-promises loaded with great intentions about a brighter future can be productive—even when her ‘great intentions’ later dim to ‘almost got there’.

☺ Loneliness can’t be escaped, only deferred. It must be overridden by a comfort with herself different from what shopping, pizza, snacks, and munchies bring. Living up to something bigger than herself helps. (Turn her heart over to the Lord, and loneliness will not trouble her. Avoiding calories also becomes simpler and much easier.)

☺ Her outside appearance attracts a man, her inside virtues hold him.

☺ Virtue has its own rewards. It makes tough decisions easier, and adds to her importance and self-respect.

☺ Faith in the Lord uplifts her spirit. Belief in man—Humanism—discourages it.

☺ Loneliness comes from self-centeredness. Sincere giving of herself to others drives out self-centeredness and, consequently, loneliness.

☺ What she thinks about, she gets. (Our subconscious takes us toward what we think about whether good or bad, desired or undesired, liked or hated, feared or coveted.)

☺ Everything for which she can be grateful adds to her happiness.

☺ Ungratefulness for her body compounds grief out of all proportion to her body’s importance in successful living.

The female nature begrudges every flaw. Her mushy thinking keeps focus on them all.

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205. Boob language — Part 8

Modern women market themselves poorly. They put all their eggs in the advertising basket, use cheap packaging, and ignore product quality.

·        Women advertise sex, dress cheaply, groom carelessly, and think and hope that sex will both capture and hold a man. One-night stand, yes! Hold, no!

·        Sexy apparel and exposed skin precisely focuses a man’s interest on conquest. After conquest, he may or may not focus on her other interests.

·        By fishing with sex as bait, she yields dominance and sex to him. This minimizes her negotiating power and puts their future in his hands.

·        Sex needs no advertising. It sells itself, and advertising it cheapens a woman for everything but sex.

·        Women need high quality packaging to project the appearance and confirm the fact of an extraordinary female—the kind to whom men stay married.

·        Regarding her appearance, if she doesn’t protect her self-respect, display self-confidence, and reflect self-esteem, she lacks quality for much more than temporary gigs with men.  

·        Modest attire, attractive grooming, and high-standard feminine behavior create a mysterious quality that intrigues men. This elevates a woman toward keeperhood.

As women go, so goes society, and feminine mystique, modesty, and morality drive the best bus for females. Advertising sex makes a woman miss the bus. She’s left behind to get run over by men.

[More boob language appears at posts 188, 102, 98, 81, 52, 49, and 12. Search by the number followed by dot and space.]

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