Her Highness Prettybeans asked me to clarify #818 in article 2253. It says, “You can focus on the big things that hold a couple together—love, friendship, commitment. However, you’ll do better to focus on avoiding, quieting, and suppressing the little unacceptable irritants, fixations, and offensive habits that slowly shred love into bits and pieces.”
The continually linked interface of his and her love in the home is very complex, so this won’t be clear unless I’m up front, blunt, and candid again. I describe two spouses idealized by their male and female natures—as if they were born already married. It won’t match you and yours, but you may be able to figure out how you can use some of the following.
The wife whether dealing with husband or not focuses on love, commitment, cooperation, friendship, devotion, and she hopes to be cherished. Such emotional connections are vital to her. For the most part, she thinks and depends more on words to substitute for actions and to recover from wrongful actions. ‘I love you’. ‘I’m so proud of you’. ‘I apologize’. ‘Oh, you’re so strong’. ‘Man, you look handsome’. The words mean everything to her. She feels good about herself when she uses them. In fact, she benefits more than husband does.
You see, wife doesn’t love husband because he needs it. He doesn’t need her love as she imagines it. He expects her to like him as her mate and be loyal to him and his interests. By their nature, sons and females need her love, and many men in successful marriages learn to need it. Wife loves all of them because she feels good about herself, she makes herself important by loving them. It satisfies her prime motivation to earn self-importance. (When others are grateful for her importance, the feedback satisfies her need for self-importance.)
Husband doesn’t spend mental energy on major emotional connections—love, devotion, relationship, marriage, etc. Those things just exist and he takes them for granted. He doesn’t depend on words to form or convey his feelings but on his actions. It’s another paradox. Husband is direct by character and habit but expresses his feelings indirectly with actions. Wife is indirect by nature but expresses her feelings directly with words. Her words make her feel good and compensate for having to use her reservoir of patience to follow her natural indirectness.
Wife’s words to husband seldom generate his self-admiration, which is the prime motivator of men. Even his own words seldom earn self-admiration except maybe when he wins an argument with his self-proclaimed superior logic and reason. (Or, reprehensibly, when used for immoral purposes as other men often do—players seducing women, manipulating someone, deceiving others.)
A successful marriage is easily symbolized by this analogy. They fit together as two spoons, both literally and figuratively. Wife experiences it in bed literally as the intimate crown on a great life or another great day with him. He visualizes it as two-spoons bonded in life to shape his future and accomplish his ambitions, a figurative representation of what he bought into by marrying her. It’s another God-designed and Nature-endowed paradox. Wife is primarily focused on the future and he primarily on the present. Yet, when he thinks of the future she’s figuratively tucked in nice and neat in his embrace and the present is beautiful. She has the intimate bedtime moment in the present that brightens her future.
Husband takes her for granted. He doesn’t even think about judging wife until she disturbs his willingness to live with the disappointing actions that she repeats. That is, wife does fine until husband objects. Her words of attention, affection, and love are nice but neither motivate nor satisfy him. She feels great expressing them, but he’s not nearly so energized by them. He judges more her negatives than her positives. The latter he takes for granted because he earned them by giving up his independence. The former remind that he did or may have made a mistake marrying her, and his mind should never get to thinking in that direction. (It switches on his ‘achievement meter’ to do something about it.)
Neat and well-functioning castle, her eagerness to get him in bed, ability to capture and hold friends, ability to mother kids successfully, her smiling countenance and pleasant demeanor. Those a man appreciates; those and many more similar actions confirm her words about the ‘big things’ of love, devotion, etc.
Husband considers home a problem-free zone except for those involved with his personal responsibility. Wife problems are not his; he married because she is so capable.
As to the little things that she should focus on avoiding, preventing, and recovering, the following merely start a list. She complains all the time about every little thing. Never smiles. Sourpuss. Always late. Words don’t match her actions. Smirks at others’ faults. Won’t or can’t cook. Won’t keep the castle clean enough. Can’t nurture kids out of their bad times. Nags him. Won’t accept her responsibility but expects others to fulfill theirs. Reminds constantly about honey-do list. Counts on someone else to recover from her mistakes. Shameful personal appearance compared to courtship. Is very moody. Anger spoils family togetherness. Let’s frustrations control her life.
Within each item on that list are connected daily actions that irritate, confuse, and offend husband. None disqualifies her, but having to live with repeated episodes of just a few is enough for husband to start thinking about life without her.
Of course, wife is entitled to live her life as she sees fit. The point here is merely that husband makes judgments about her actions. Each complaint is an action. Each frustrated outburst is an action. Each smirk is an action. Failure to smile when teased about sex is a disappointing action. Letting kids have their own way is action. Alibis and explanations are accepted more as words than actions, which means they are essentially ineffective to convince husband that wife is right or justified.
So that I don’t confuse, I summarize by reducing all of the above to two concepts over which wife has control—her love and husband’s disappointments. The more her actions reflect love, the more likeable she is. The more her love is weakened by things that disappoint him, the less likeable she is.
Husband’s love is founded on respect and begins with his loyalty to wife because she’s so likeable to him. As her likeability diminishes, guess what happens to his love. And that, dear Prettybeans, is the essence of keeping a family together. He hangs around her for the loving and loveable actions that she uses to spread pleasantness and joy of living around his castle. Her reward comes from harmonizing relationship and family around those things that make her likeable to both herself and husband. IOW, she enables herself to feel good about herself from her actions rather than depending on her words.
Yes, successful wife plays to husband’s expectations by using her interpersonal expertise, natural adjustability, sense of survivability, and almost musical ability to orchestrate harmony in both relationship and home. It’s another paradox. She gets what she wants just by keeping him from getting ticked off all the time, which INDIRECTLY programs his heart with how lucky he is to have her.
But a word of caution. Wife can easily overdo it. If she’s too submissive, too much a lap dog to his desires, too weak to stand up for herself, too unwilling to risk losing him, then her actions take her in the wrong direction. She may still be likeable, but she loses husband’s respect, which is the foundation of masculine love.
I know you think I put by far the heavier burden on the wife. But consider this before making your final conclusion.
- Wife’s nature empowers her and programs her heart to do what men can’t do.
- Marriage was developed to enable wife to brighten her future with husband in the most reliable way for longevity and probable success.
- Her natural adjustability and survivability enable wife to overcome the weaknesses of husband that work against family togetherness and longevity.
- Husband, being primarily a producer, is great at accomplishments. But wife, being primarily a processor, is best qualified to integrate manly accomplishments with the unexpected changes in the process of married life.
- Either members of the superior gender flex their feminine strength in order to balance the dominance of the other gender, or male dominance over time works inevitably in the direction of enslaving women.
- There are two conditions required to contain male dominance within a suitable balance for fairness between the sexes, marriage and the absence of unmarried sex.
- If wives don’t dominate the culture, society follows the lead of male dominance. Morality and religious values are the mainstays of feminine leadership in cultural values, standards, and expectations for society. It takes feminine and wifely leadership to convince men to live up to someone bigger than themselves, specifically God, wife, children, country, culture.
Love, commitment, friendship, cooperation, devotion, and cherished females do not achieve their worth in society until and unless women convince men to live up to someone bigger than themselves. Only wives have enough access to and influence with the male heart and mind to achieve it. Men disappointed with their wives lose interest in doing what wives want and expect.
I hate to end on that sour note, but modern women are making it happen. Unmarried sex discourages marriage and without marriage we don’t have enough wives to change the direction of America. When sex for pleasure prevails, marriage fails.
Whatever comes of country and marriage in the future, the key interface will be that between male and female love as God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize. Bless you ladies for carrying on to preserve what went before and used to protect women in the U.S. better than anywhere else in the world or in history.
I kind of got carried away, ladies, and covered too much ground in one post. Unfortunately for you, it’s not the end of either my writing or personal weaknesses.