Tag Archives: she changed after marriage

2703. Minimize Risk of Husband Cheating — The Root Cause


Any mature man worthy of being depended on as a mate has certain traits that make up his worthiness. It’s not what a woman sees on the outside. When screening men, a woman should expect that these convictions exist within.

  • His self-respect exceeds his respect of others until each person earns much more than he originally detects and judges. (Women differ.)
  • He’s committed to successful accomplishments in his life. He expects to achieve what he aims at, and he works and perhaps fights hard to avoid failing or defer failure.
  • He knows he’s already good enough for any woman that will have him as her mate and lover. Consequently, he expects to fittingly sell himself to win a likeable object of his respect, lust, or love.
  • He does things and thinks and worries about physical connections. (Women differ.)
  • A likeable woman remains that as long as he’s satisfied with who she is and what she does. His initial feelings and the respect she earns make her likeable, but his satisfaction rests more on masculine values and expectations than her feelings about him.
  • He judges her by what he thinks. (Women differ.)
  • He seeks self-satisfaction that tends to confirm his admiration as a man. (Women differ.)
  • His prime mission in life is to keep himself satisfied with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. (Women differ.)

Then, he marries the most likeable woman who earns his respect for who she is and what she does and can do, which are his personal standards for living with someone. IOW, her feelings about him are secondary to his expectations.

Consequently, he marries a woman good enough when they meet at the altar. But does she remain so? Does he remain satisfied with 1) committing himself to his altar-mate? 2) Devoting his life to their future together? 3) Preparing for what he can become with her dedicated to support his life? 4) Promising to brighten her future? It remains to be seen as married life unfolds.

The root cause of husband’s venturing into the cheating game lies here. Wife becomes different than husband expects. She sees him differently once he’s legally obligated. She doesn’t treat him as in courtship. She finds fault with him or his efforts. She spotlights his weaknesses and tries to do something about them. She imposes guilt trying to change him. She nags and criticizes and expects his reactions to favor her expectations. She tries to recover from having not screened him well enough, from having chosen wrongly. In short, she acts childishly to make him appear childish.

Women focus so hard on capturing a husband that they don’t screen adequately or know themselves well enough to be the good wife, defined by husbands as the one he courted and who acts the same before and after marriage.

IOW, he’s not the man she intended or hoped to marry and she intends to improve him, confirm that he’s not worthy of her, or recover the best she can. A little room exists within the character of a husband to permit her ‘recovery’ tactics. But not a lot.

He detects lack of respect, ingratitude, and unwillingness to depend on him. All of which corrupts her likeability and his sense of satisfaction living with her.

The more she becomes different from his bride’s behavior, the more quickly he considers looking elsewhere for the recognition that he thinks he deserves. Wife cheats him of his dignity, self-satisfaction, and consequent self-admiration, and his cheating on her is the most easily recognized method for husband’s recovery, respite, or revenge.

WADWMUFGAO. When wife feels good putting him down, he finds recovery outside the home. Hence, the root cause of husbandly infidelity is wifely dissatisfaction with husband’s inability to live up to her expectations that in all probability changed after the ceremony.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, Fickle female, How she loses, marriage, sex differences

1312. How Men Get That Way — Part II: The Cause


Yesterday’s post 1311 described marriage-destroying husbands as seen by their wives. I exaggerated for effect and continue it below so the causes and consequences, however unintended, become more obvious.

Of course, no wife would purposely prompt her husband into abusiveness, whether verbal, mental, or physical. But yet husbands get that way.

Obviously she would not have married him if he were like that during courtship and engagement. Or else, she intended to change him. Either way, we can presume that he became impossible to live with after marriage. (If he was that way during courtship and she didn’t detect it, we have another story for another time.)

Men don’t change in response to wifely efforts to make them change, yet he did change. So, some kind of marital interaction caused it. What interaction?

Most likely these: Wife expects things different than his expectations. She continually expects more out of him than he’s prepared or ready to deliver. In her eyes as he sees it, he never measures up. (It likely comes from her parenting instincts. See a shortcoming in him and it must be corrected. More authoritative criticism follows his lack of meeting her parent-role value system. Each frustration to change him compounds into more intolerable expectations of him.)

It amounts to this. She changed dramatically after marriage. She became different than the woman he married. He would have dodged her if he knew what he would be getting. It’s likely that she purposely kept her true character and interests hidden, a phony.

A man’s sense of significance can be traumatized by discovering he judged wrongly in choosing a mate. Finding as a surprise that he married a self-righteous harridan can cause a helluva lot of resentment, resistance and retaliation (such as described in yesterday’s post 1311).

Wives can’t purposely get husbands to change and have their husband not retaliate. On the other hand, husbands will change themselves if pressured to fit into molds that hold no interest for them. But they change to fight against pressures they sense.

For example, he’s pressured to become more female in homelife values and expectations, more understanding of her unique problems. He’s pressured to housekeep up to standards beyond just making home a functional castle. He’s pressured to do without sexual fulfillment. He’s pressured with supervisory forcefulness to defend his decisions. Or defend his insistence on some degree of personal independence. Or, live within her nest of perfectionist dreams. Even his neatness is never enough. One sentence describes it: He never measures up but he refuses to accept it and fights back.

Pressured to live up to what their wife expects, husbands react strongly. Some retaliate with their own methods of showing that she never measures up either, such as disrespecting, displeasing, and even abusing her. It’s a tit for tat downward spiral initiated by wives but made much worse by husbandly reactions.   

Perhaps innocently at first, she rules her nest with expectations too high for her man. More likely her self-centeredness flows from lack of knowledge of the true nature of both sexes. She sours husband’s heart and hardens his head. Both his pliability and desire to please her vanish in her emotional charges and his countercharges.

They fight, but men are better fighters. They don’t lose to a woman, especially one they married. Fighters refuse to accept an opponent’s opinions, values, and expectations.

She sours her own head and hardens her own heart with too lofty expectations of who he is and what he should be. She persists at ruling her nest in such ways that it will never become his castle.

Wives often blame poor upbringing in violent childhood homes. I don’t refute claims that abusive husbands come from abusive and violent childhood homes. But consider these facts together: Husbands from such homes know right from wrong, at least enough to please the woman they want to please. If they cease wanting to please a particular woman and seek to displease her, they fall back on what they already know which doubtless they learned in childhood.

You’ve heard it here before (and I copy Robert Schuller). If he can’t rule the roost, she can’t rule the rooster. Wife refuses to let husband rule the home, and she loses the ability to keep him pleasantly involved, desirous of pleasing her, and pliable to her wishes.

In the final analysis, she’s the relationship expert. Lack of knowledge lets her wander away from using natural expertise for living with and keeping a man. She criticizes her man inside the marital box and energizes him to criticize her outside that box. When they end up head to head, he has the bigger weapons. Then, she really has something to criticize and seek outside sympathy.

The spiral is predictable and she has control until she finds what she needs to justify blaming him. When his abusiveness offends the sensibilities of people outside her marriage, she has done all she can. She’s now relieved of responsibility for what’s happening, which relieves her of culpability of having made it happen. Or so she thinks until now.

 

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Filed under sex differences