Improving the Underdeveloped Male Heart
My writing partner on this subseries suggested this post about what women can do when they run into or end up with a man with an underdeveloped heart. That is, a boy raised by an overly loving but unlovable mother. He displays several or most of these symptoms and perhaps some or many other traits disliked by females:
- He consistently appears selfish, extreme self-centered and/or narcissistic.
- He frequently displays an impatient, angry, ill-tempered, and perhaps explosive character.
- He commits with words easy to escape from; he won’t devote to someone else with any but the simplest actions.
- He expects recognition and rewards for inconsequential achievements.
- He demands to be respected when he doesn’t get his way.
- He repeatedly reveals a weak sense of personal responsibility.
- He has pulled emotionally away from his childhood family, especially his mother.
- Unable to socialize well, he withdraws further when pressure mounts for togetherness or extensive socializing with other than old buddies.
Teen girls are first to encounter such a guy. Unless they find infatuation at first sight, they spotlight his unattractive character. They show signs they don’t approve of him as a person, much less as a potential boyfriend. It confirms his sense of unworthiness, which prevents further heart-development. Girls help a little when they treat him just as they treat mainstream boys. The more open, friendly, and admiring girls are to him, the more likely his heart-development will continue to improve. [My series Boot Camp for Girls in the CONTENTS page offers many other techniques and practices for girls that help in their process of taming boys for domestic life.]
Single women are not so quickly turned off by a man sporting an underdeveloped heart. They have a hope and a belief. They hope for marriage and believe they can change for the good whomever they marry. However, both the hope and belief are wrapped by sex. Withholding of premarital sex promotes a lasting marriage and enables a woman to lay the foundation for changing her husband. Unwrapping sex by uncrossing her legs to the underdeveloped heart makes the guy see that he’s adequate if not perfect, good enough for her, and he sees no need to change or otherwise please her further. Thus, the promise she holds as his wife weakens and her belief she can change him disappears without her being aware of it.
Wives have greater hope, ability, and time to reinforce their belief they can change husband for the good. She starts by ignoring each and every one of his underdeveloped heart faults. She married for better or worse, and it positions her to coach him into adopting habits of her choosing. It’s all a matter of indirectness, affirmation, and seed planting. Only wife can figure out how to improve him, but she can only do it if she avoids things that turn off husbands. She does best who capitalizes on ways that favor the male psyche:
- She finds ways to convert her negative feelings about his actions into some kind of affirmation of him, her, or them. Men want to please their woman, but they don’t know when, what, why, and how something works. So, not understanding the full picture, they tend to not try.
- She doesn’t complain about him for anything. She doesn’t accuse. Instead, she smiles and swallows the pain in hope of brighter days ahead.
- She doesn’t explain herself. If she longs for something, she explains as little as possible and leaves him to digest her disappointment if he fails to do his part. If accused, she smiles and swallows the pain in hope of brighter days ahead.
- She learns to distinguish what he considers his duty from other accomplishments. She recognizes with a smile his fulfilling of duty. She finds a reward, however insignificant, for those things he considers an accomplishment. For example, a duty may be mowing the lawn. He deserves a reward for his having her car serviced at low cost or washed unexpectedly for her, perhaps a just-baked brownie snack wrapped in her charming smiles. (His learning by actions what pleases her is far better than her telling him.)
Modern women have been indoctrinated to believe they shouldn’t be so acquiescent to husband’s faults and unappealing behaviors. It’s a good reason behind so many divorces. Women are the relationship experts; marital success depends on them, whether they can acknowledge or stand for it.