Tag Archives: vague and unavailable

2030. Men Play Hardtoget aka Vague and Unavailable — II

Her Highness Cinnamon asked at post 2029 for more about men playing hardtoget. Not to worry that a woman’s behavior makes men act vague and unavailable. Her likeability doesn’t play as big a part as you might suspect.

But let’s talk about men first. Women come wrapped in two packages, sexually attractive and visually likeable. (That is, she’s uniquely pleasant-to-look-at; she appeals to him uniquely as company; he admires her unique virtues; he finds her uniquely fascinating; she’s pleasantly and uniquely feminine; she uniquely enjoys his presence; she’s uniquely enjoyable to be around, and all without regard for sex appeal). Men value differently and deal separately with those two things. They chase her sexual attractiveness but fall unconsciously into appreciating her visual likeability.

Sexually attractive appeals instantaneously and fades very fast after conquest. It attracts a man but he doesn’t bond and so it doesn’t hold him much beyond conquest. Visually likeable may be enjoyable but it remains relatively minor in his heart and mind before conquest; he’s too interested in other things. Even as a minor focus, however, her visual likeability becomes appealing if and as they associate before conquest.

Consequently, to grasp the reality of it, he’s quite another man after conquest. Before, he views her as sexually appealing, which binds his heart and mind together on one primary mission. After conquest, he views her as visually likeable in pursuit of satisfying himself by associating with her.

His conqueror’s right of ownership of their sexual agenda guarantees frequent and convenient access to sex, romantic love keeps those fires burning, and in the meantime he learns to appreciate the depth of her uniqueness and visual likeability. Provided, of course, that he keeps associating with her.

If she comes up short of visual likeability for his taste, he moves on to the next female target. Because sex does not bond him, conquest releases him from obligations not previously arranged and that he intends to honor. IOW, he dumps her because his high threshold for guilt enables him to conquer and depart relatively unhindered; “she should have known better than to fall for my charm.” Thus, he either continues with her as girlfriend, fiancé, potential mate, or just booty, or else he goes fishing in another lake and does so with little remorse. All’s fair in love and conquest.


And now back to V&U.

To Mr. Hardtoget unless she’s sexually unattractive, every unconquered woman is a target. Women don’t have to even be attractive enough to be seen with in public. Mr. V&U purposely misrepresents his interest, which is to score efficiently, that is, with the least investment of time, effort, money, and words. Women should presume they are always a target and go on alert status as soon as they spot hardtoget symptoms used by a man.

Hardtoget is an ancient(?) female attitude and tactic. Men adopt and refine it in order to more easily conquer as many women as come along. Thus, men exploit the female nature against itself.

It’s conceived to work this way. Initiating self-doubt and guilt, a woman concludes from Mr. V&U’s approach that something is wrong with her. She feels offended that a guy could not want her sexually or not want to take advantage of all she has to offer to a friend, companion, partner, mate. His tactic victimizes her attitude and, hopefully for him, she turns herself from being chased to chasing, from buyer to seller, from resistant to eager. She capitulates at being virtually ignored and so she takes the initiative that facilitates his getting her into bed; she may even lead the way or take him by hand depending on what she feels she has to prove to herself.

The easier she allows herself to be conquered, the more likely she won’t be respected in the morning. The more time he invests to conquer, the more respect she earns in his eyes. Investors appreciate only what they earn. Takers don’t appreciate what they are given, and even worse, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts.

So, fair lady Cinnamon, it’s not a woman’s behavior that invites V&U. It’s her appearance. Her mistake is to feel badly about herself for thinking that a guy thinks that she’s not much of a woman, and so she takes the bait and determines to prove it to him. Set, game, match for him.


P.S. It may not be clear above, but this principle is embedded. When visual likeability is more prominent than sex appeal, it subdues sexual attractiveness, forces guys to spend more time researching for weaknesses to facilitate bedding her, and thereby discourages the use of V&U tactics. In the extra time guys spend on and with her, they learn that she’s more valuable than just for sex, which gives her greater potential for her visual likeability to grow and generate interest in guys for long-term relationships. She gains greater control of her destiny.




Filed under How she wins

2029. Men Play Hardtoget aka Vague and Unavailable — I

Her Highness Eleni at 2026 asked for more info about men acting hardtoget. Cocoa suggested my response as a standalone post, so here it is before the subject cools.

The Battlefield. Let’s look first at the female side of life. To love is to give. To be loved is to earn it by giving. The hardtoget guy offers little or nothing of himself except apparent lack of interest wrapped in what he believes to be inimitable charm. So why should he be loved or, more importantly, shown any of the benefits that he might or could be loved? The more he seeks you to pay attention to him rather than the reverse, the more you should be harder to get. You defeat his game plan in order to earn his respect, which weakens his desire to dominate, which recognizes you as deserving of greater influence in whatever relationship develops.

The Motivations. Men act vague and unavailable because it 1) makes conquest less costly in time, effort, and money; 2) is less risky to the male ego; 3) strengthens male dominance in whatever relationship develops; 4) quadruples the pleasure of conquest by having outsmarted her. (His devious cast of mind comes from the lack of unconditional respect for the female gender caused by the feminist-induced lack of unconditional respect for the male gender.)

Women are intent on pleasing an attractive or interesting guy or having a boyfriend. So much so that they chase a guy and yield sex thinking that he will bond with her as prelude to permanent mating. Such female mistakes while reaching for female-friendly relationships enable conquest with little or no investment of the guy’s time, money, and effort.

Play by Play. Vague and unavailable is the female game—INDIRECTNESS—exploited by men to both facilitate conquest and dominate whatever relationship follows. They want and let women do all the relationship development work. They perceive an opportunity to win sex, booty, or escape by lazily outsmarting women. They risk virtually nothing as they drift uninvolved into her nest of dreams and his access to frequent and convenient sex. Such men induce whorish behavior in women with men establishing the fee so subtly that women don’t recognize how it inflates male dominance, deflates female influence, and nullifies female hopes and dreams of long-term relationships.

How do you gals handle the guy playing hardtoget? First, never abandon your own game plan, which should be that of the female standard—harder to get. Make each guy prove himself worthy of you. Second, you ignore him more dismissively than he can possibly ignore you. You take control with polite passiveness until it grates on his nerves that his approach is NOT GOING TO WORK. Regardless of what he does, which means a lot of nothing except gentle put downs of you (inflicting guilt), outdo him at the same game. While inflicting guilt on a man doesn’t profit a woman, in this case it helps keep him uncomfortable. (He won’t take the guilt as a game changer, but it does weaken his determination that you’re a pushover for his charm and all else he has but refuses to offer.)

Make nothing easy for him; he has to earn even your smiles. Harden the shell you normally keep yourself in. With actions and not words, he has to make himself worthy of you. Any help you give him works against you. You’re the teacher who has to convince him that he’s more disposable than important, weak than strong, unappealing than admirable, less dominant than he thinks.

It may take days, weeks, or months of contact or even dates. Ultimately, he will see that he wants you under your conditions more than he wants sex with you under his conditions. That’s the game breaker for you. If he never learns to see it your way, he was only after sex to begin with or he was unwilling to pay the price of your standards and expectations. IOW the game plays out like this. Men pursue with sex foremost on their minds. Targeted women change each man’s heart behind his back (that is, mind) by enabling him to discover qualities other than sexual assets that he can admire (aka virtues) about her as person, woman, and possible mate.

If he gives up chasing you, you’ve won. He was only after sex to begin with, and finding that out is the primary objective for women. They must have the patience to determine whether he’s truly after her more than just having sex with her? Her victory and his defeat hang on her patience and the reverse on her impatience. It’s all up to her; he’s just another player in her life until he foregoes sex in order to sincerely pursue her for his mate.

Recovery. He begins to rethink his vague and unavailable approach. He takes action to pursue you sincerely and with willingness to invest himself by giving of himself. Then and only then, you start paying more than the slightest attention to him. He will do so cautiously at first for fear of losing you before he even gets started. So don’t be anxious to help him escape his discomfort; give him the freedom to fail so that he will try something more appealing to you. Moreover, success when he overcomes your resistance means much more if he’s done it by himself and without the help he tried to con out of you.

We all keep doing what makes us comfortable. Only discomfort makes us change or even want to. That’s why you should call all his bluffs. For example, be prepared and if he threatens not to see you again, say goodbye before he finishes. Show that separation does not bother you. Keep him uncomfortable with your apparent disinterest or else he reverts to hardtoget for everything that he wants out of you.

Don’t become sympathetic or even empathetic to his situation. Let him dangle in miserable discomfort at not being able to capture your heart with his newfound and expected-to-be-easy effort. Let time and his greater effort to please you resolve his discomfort. (Modern women complain that younger men lack initiative and staying power when things get tough or don’t go the easy way. Men become what women expect of them, so less determined men don’t quit when the right woman guides them with natural female charm, the kind they inherit at birth. The female blessings page at blog top provides many details of the female nature.)

Until he abandons his hardtoget attitude, and unless he makes himself worthy of you to even carry on a decent conversation that leads to proposals to get together or for dates, you will never earn enough of his attention for it to grow into respect and ultimately love, devotion, and promise that you’d make him a good mate. And without doing that, you’ll never get him to subordinate having sex to having you.

I suggest you also study the article 1985, How Men Decide to Marry. It’s more what the woman doesn’t do that sets the hook.



Filed under How she wins

882. Get Him to the Church on Time

Her Highness Easybreezy claims that guys will date but refuse to go to church with you ladies. I hereby suggest a new approach that qualifies for WWNH.

What if you developed a new standard for dating? What if you bargained more before dating? Consider these two options: (1) Insist that first date be his escorting you to church. (2) If necessary, back off and grant first date only with his promise of escorting you to church the next Sunday. In either case after the first church date, subsequent dates require a date for church on Sunday next.

Now I know you ladies are invited on dates far too infrequently. You see great risk in levying such a tough requirement on the guys that do call or ask. But keep this in mind: Even though your roles reverse after marriage, you learn to manage the domestic scene by learning to manage the dating scene. If he won’t live up to your expectations before marriage, why do you think he will afterward?

The following model conversation illustrates how invitations may take place. Remember, it’s just a model. To sample it, personalize and reword the ‘She’ role to fit your personality and druthers. Also, anticipate how guys will react, and present your expectations to win the favor of each. (You can tell an awful lot about a man when he says No.)

He:      Would you like to go out with me?

She:     Sure, if I can pick the day and place. My first date is always church on Sunday. We can have a second date with lunch after church. I’ll pick the church, you pick the lunch. Or you pick the church, and I’ll bring a picnic basket. I love picnics, don’t you?

He:      Well, I’m not sure I’m free on Sunday. I may be doing something else. (He plays vague and unavailable to weaken her resolve.)

She:     Well, call me next week then. I love having handsome men escort me to church on Sunday. (She plays hardtoget to counter his V&U).)

He:      Well, can’t we go out some night this week? (Persistence is good, as he seeks to recover and get his way.)

She:     Well, yes, if you promise to escort me to church the following Sunday. Then, if we agree, we can have lunch or picnic afterward. (The promise is a key to his character. Whether he breaks or keeps it, she has grounds to judge his worthiness for her.)

He:      Well, I’m not sure I can promise. My Sundays are crowded. (Trying vague and unavailable again.)

She:     Well call me next week and we can try again. (If she fearfully yields to dating under his terms and without at least the promise of escorting her to church, she loses respect. Perhaps more importantly, she loses opportunity to gain great respect.)


  • When you play hardtoget, you confirm the competitive arrangement. He’s the seller, you’re the buyer, and you need to keep it that way in single life.
  • He hesitates, argues against, or refuses to promise. What else won’t he do that you expect? Pay for date costs? Respect your female sensibilities? Honor your wishes?
  • He shows excitement and promises to date for church; it indicates potential devotion to you. You need greater confirmation. On the other hand, if he fails to fulfill his promise, you waste little time uncovering his faux sincerity.
  • After a few dates, you can better assess his devotion to accepting part of your lifestyle. Does he deserve you as a date, if he won’t honor and participate in your way of life?

The model above shows one way to pull men into your lifestyle as independent woman living up to something bigger than yourself. It also helps to identify if he’s after you or something less. Getting him to the church can make a difference.


Filed under How she wins

504. Virtual Virginity #21

©     Repeatedly refused sex by one woman brings out both the best and worst in a man. This enables females to identify Mr. Good Enough and condition his thinking and shape his interests into potential Mr. Right.

©     As Emerson said: The world turns on hope. Her relationships always spin, plunge, and soar on hope. Virtual virginity shifts his life from hope for sex to hope for her.

©     Her personal policy of virtual virginity should not be disclosed to those that know her. It works better as private commitment to Self. “Not now” leaves a man with hope. “I’m saving myself for marriage” discourages and may destroy all hope before he gets to really know her.

©     Old school values promote maturity before sex, the feminine way. Moderns go for sex before maturity, the masculine way.

©     Modern dating, courtship, and marriage build on sex values and expectations developed as immature and sexually active teenagers. Being in charge matures a person, and virtual virginity puts her in charge of his conquering efforts.

©     A woman primarily committed to virtual virginity strengthens herself against the masculine strategy of ‘vague and unavailable’. If someone becomes a fool, let it be him.  


Filed under Uncategorized, virginity

503. Hunks, Jocks, et al

Hunks, jocks, and dreamy guys tend to be like this:

v Her personal qualities mean little other than her likeability for companionship. He tires of her easily, however, because the next hottie appears more exciting and companionable.

v Unconditional respect for the female gender is low or non-existent. He was never pushed to treat females respectfully, and so it’s not embedded in his psyche.

v What little admiration he has for a particular female tends only to appear when he wants sex—booty call and one-night stand come to mind.

v Manipulation, intimidation, and abuse come easy to him, because he lacks respect for her gender. (It’s not what she does, it’s what all her predecessors handed him without investment of his Self.)

v He’s learned that females easily fall victim to his ‘vague and unavailable’ technique, so he prowls with apparent indifference. (It’s not so much his testosterone or his present mate. It’s more the way females in his past life have conditioned his thinking with easy wins and few losses.)

He handles hardtoget out of habit. However, what he can’t have triggers his weakness. Denied sex, ego permits only two options: (1) Ignore and forget her knowing that the next female will assuage his ego. (2) Schmooze her until she yields.


Filed under How she loses, Uncategorized

489. DATING 4: Asking for First Date II

We return to the workings of the male mind, as it considers asking for first date.

Impressions are stronger than facts, because we’re emotional creatures. Mystery about her sexual proclivities works best to attract his asking for first date.

©     Men admire chastity in a woman, but they don’t hit on nuns. Why? Respect, of course, and lack of hope. As Emerson claims: The world turns on hope.

©     If hopeful of sex and he’s not playing it vague and unavailable, he normally asks for a date. If she declares, avows, or everyone knows that she’s into no sex without marriage, she eliminates hope and might as well be in nun’s habit. Why ask for date unless he already seeks to marry on her terms?

©     Mystery surrounding her chasteness is stronger and more a challenge than is the certainty or absence of it. A sprinkling of suspicion about her standards does far more to capture a man’s curiosity and spark his imagination for conquest, hence make him more likely to ask her out.

©     Mystery pays. Smiles without reason, friendliness without eagerness, and preliminary conversation without sex overtones pays off. Familiarity reduces mystery and works against her. Sex lures and objectification, for example, reduce risk for him. It also reduces respect and value for her.

©     Females fish with full disclosure, as if males appreciate it as women do. This gives a male time and info to reduce his risk of rejection. First date may result, but less risk means weaker investment of his Self, which means less value and respect for her, which weakens prospects for second date.

Summarizing, chasteness earns a man’s respect and admiration, but his knowledge of its certainty can discourage asking for first date.


Filed under sex differences, Uncategorized

369. HardToGet Pays Off — Vague 2

       I admit it’s a game. Women have ignored it for years, but now men win with it. It’s called ‘hardtoget’. Men call the same strategy ‘vague and unavailable’.

What people want, think they deserve, but apparently can’t have, they want even more. So, their interests and efforts intensify.

Men play this way: Show little interest in her even for sex. Let her talk and emote her way into your bed.

Women play this way: Whether you have an interest or not, show disinterest until he shows much more than sexual interest in you. Make him work his way into your heart long before your bed.

Our foremothers mastered the art (see post #82). But modern women lose more than they win.

Women are too impatient to generate relationships with men. They expose their interest with too much skin, eagerness to get involved, and willingness to go along to get along. Men sit back and act vague and unavailable, and women come to them in spirit if not actually.

Women allow no time for a man’s imagination to fire up, focus on her as partner with sex as mere byproduct, and her to the exclusion of others.  (Also see #359, 287, and 252 about firing up the masculine imagination.)

What women never hear:  The male ego feeds on accomplishments, not what comes easily. Unearned gifts make no lasting impressions. She makes erasable impressions, when she pushes herself toward him or provides sex with little investment of the heart by him. Thus, she makes herself disposable long before time together can generate a lasting relationship.   

More follows soon.


Filed under courtship, Uncategorized