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2721. Depression in Children — Responsibility


If this principle were more universally applied in society, much depression would not occur. Neither would psychologists just now be discovering that depression exists in four-five year old kids:

  • Childhood responsibility prevents depression then and later.

Childhood responsibility is duty in which a self-developing child feels obligated, comfortable, and without fear. From toddler to puberty, chores are most effective if they match up and grow with the child’s developing maturity.

Parental influence begins early. When the conscious mind opens in the third year of life, kids become aware they too are a person and capable of doing things. Shortly thereafter they become aware they are boy or girl. They come to expect the respect they see others receive. Soon they see that girls and boys are respected and treated differently. Accepting it as normal, they become interested in doing things and open up to whatever comes as different lessons in life.

Parental habits and kids’ subconscious minds synchronize easily and soon hardwire this into the mind of toddlers. Respect and trust are reciprocals. A parent who assigns responsibility for chores to match a child’s maturity shows trust in the child’s decisions, which reflects back as respect for the parent. After that, respectable handling of the child’s mistakes or inadequacies—instead of over-supervising in the name of perfection or parental taste—confirms trust of the parent. In the arena of dealing with a child’s determination to self-develop, respect earns trust and vice versa and both are critical to mom harmonizing the home and family.

Lack of chores stifles a child’s self-development. Boys are born to produce things. Girls are born to process life and the lives around them. In both, unfilled ambitions cause dissatisfaction that prompts undesired behavior. Old school: An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

Made lazy by lack of obligation to earn their way in life, boys and girls slide easily into misery and fight to shake it off. Parents usually don’t know what to do but use authority. Kids quickly grasp the meaning of authority, but they resent it being used on them. They know they can do better if given a chance. It requires patience that parents often lack, which turns a child’s resentment into a fighting back spirit and behavior becomes worse for parents but satisfying for kids. Antagonisms multiply.

When children are not obligated with chores, several results spill over into their lives. Loneliness grows from the uncertainty of not earning one’s way in life and thereby affirm one’s worth. Frustration grows from the lack of ways to feel good about oneself.  Undeserving comes from lack of earned worthiness. Disruptive thoughts arise from the famine of opportunities to earn personal satisfaction among others. Self-confidence fails to form out of achievements. Uncertainty emerges about what’s coming later. Ambitious thoughts turn against family harmony. Dissatisfaction drives kids to look for play and pleasure for its own sake, and bad habits form easily as dissatisfaction grows. Video games, unproductive behavior, teen worship, and drugs gain influence and unproductive habits grow.

WADWMUFGAO, we all do what make us feel good about ourselves. Children ‘unemployed’ with chores find more playful and pleasurable ways for girls to make themselves important and boys to admire themselves. They fail to learn early that they have their own business in life, that of managing their behavior to fit compatibly among others.

OTOH, supervised respectfully and trustingly, children who satisfy themselves by fulfilling obligations recognize they deserve the respect and trust they enjoy with parents and siblings. Girls earn feelings of their importance to others; boys confirm their sense of competence. Satisfied kids add value and sense their worth to the family team, which enables mom to harmonize home and family.

Chores teach children to be satisfied with themselves. Satisfied kids don’t get depressed. They don’t spend time focused on their immaturity, past failures as determined by someone else, or fear to tackle new tasks. They feel good about trying new and challenging tasks as maturity swells and personal determination has not been curbed by poor upbringing. It’s self-development in action.

The assignment and regular performance of chores enables little ones to self-develop into mature children and aim at becoming mature adults. Experience growing up is empty without chore performance that enables children to satisfy themselves.

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2703. Minimize Risk of Husband Cheating — The Root Cause


Any mature man worthy of being depended on as a mate has certain traits that make up his worthiness. It’s not what a woman sees on the outside. When screening men, a woman should expect that these convictions exist within.

  • His self-respect exceeds his respect of others until each person earns much more than he originally detects and judges. (Women differ.)
  • He’s committed to successful accomplishments in his life. He expects to achieve what he aims at, and he works and perhaps fights hard to avoid failing or defer failure.
  • He knows he’s already good enough for any woman that will have him as her mate and lover. Consequently, he expects to fittingly sell himself to win a likeable object of his respect, lust, or love.
  • He does things and thinks and worries about physical connections. (Women differ.)
  • A likeable woman remains that as long as he’s satisfied with who she is and what she does. His initial feelings and the respect she earns make her likeable, but his satisfaction rests more on masculine values and expectations than her feelings about him.
  • He judges her by what he thinks. (Women differ.)
  • He seeks self-satisfaction that tends to confirm his admiration as a man. (Women differ.)
  • His prime mission in life is to keep himself satisfied with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. (Women differ.)

Then, he marries the most likeable woman who earns his respect for who she is and what she does and can do, which are his personal standards for living with someone. IOW, her feelings about him are secondary to his expectations.

Consequently, he marries a woman good enough when they meet at the altar. But does she remain so? Does he remain satisfied with 1) committing himself to his altar-mate? 2) Devoting his life to their future together? 3) Preparing for what he can become with her dedicated to support his life? 4) Promising to brighten her future? It remains to be seen as married life unfolds.

The root cause of husband’s venturing into the cheating game lies here. Wife becomes different than husband expects. She sees him differently once he’s legally obligated. She doesn’t treat him as in courtship. She finds fault with him or his efforts. She spotlights his weaknesses and tries to do something about them. She imposes guilt trying to change him. She nags and criticizes and expects his reactions to favor her expectations. She tries to recover from having not screened him well enough, from having chosen wrongly. In short, she acts childishly to make him appear childish.

Women focus so hard on capturing a husband that they don’t screen adequately or know themselves well enough to be the good wife, defined by husbands as the one he courted and who acts the same before and after marriage.

IOW, he’s not the man she intended or hoped to marry and she intends to improve him, confirm that he’s not worthy of her, or recover the best she can. A little room exists within the character of a husband to permit her ‘recovery’ tactics. But not a lot.

He detects lack of respect, ingratitude, and unwillingness to depend on him. All of which corrupts her likeability and his sense of satisfaction living with her.

The more she becomes different from his bride’s behavior, the more quickly he considers looking elsewhere for the recognition that he thinks he deserves. Wife cheats him of his dignity, self-satisfaction, and consequent self-admiration, and his cheating on her is the most easily recognized method for husband’s recovery, respite, or revenge.

WADWMUFGAO. When wife feels good putting him down, he finds recovery outside the home. Hence, the root cause of husbandly infidelity is wifely dissatisfaction with husband’s inability to live up to her expectations that in all probability changed after the ceremony.

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1877. Sex Difference Redux—Part 112:—Dealing with Grief—II


Her Highness Anne asked about harmonizing when spousal needs are so different as in recovery from grief(#1874).

Husbands and wives both grieve and recover differently. It separates self-interests and overpowers mutual-interest. The glue of marriage tends to dissolve if they mentally separate as a couple, if their loss becomes more important than either mate or marriage. When it happens in the mind, the heart likely follows.

Without whomever she lost, wife feels less capable of loving, less of a person, less important. She’s been cast adrift. She’s unsure what to do. She needs a replacement outlet for her love. She needs to restore hope, improve her sense of importance, and enable her to foresee a brighter future. She needs more time than men. She’s really not as incapacitated as she sometimes feels and may act—unless mental illness is involved, of course.

She needs attention to recognize her importance. She needs sympathy to assuage her longing. She needs empathy to ease her guilt. She needs affection to restore her sense of self-worth. She needs to be gently stimulated to actions that make her feel important to someone other than herself. She needs to stay busy at normal tasks in order to avoid depression. She needs her imagination tickled with pleasant memories to take her mind from herself. And above all, she needs to feel appreciated for what and who she is—as
person, woman, wife, and mother—without even the first sign of disapproval. With all of that, she can lead herself through a ‘normal’ recovery process. (In the end, everyone recovers by her- or himself.)

Husband is less complex. He needs time alone. Recovery comes primarily in solitude from a single-minded process. He morphs his feelings of loss into a logical and reasonable reshaping of his life. He responds favorably but without confirmation to gentle, feminine, and loveable (rather than loving) encouragement that gets him back to doing what he does best, i.e., providing and protecting his precious cargo of what remains of his family. His recovery ends by finding the humor in memories to conquer the faults and miseries inside him.

We’re back once again to this. We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Neither, however, feels good treating the other spouse opposite to their own nature. Men don’t feel good when they can’t resolve their woman’s hurts. Women don’t feel good when they leave their man to mourn alone. Mutual recovery requires both to override WADWMUFGAO motivation on behalf of spouse.

I call it tough love to do other than what you would want done to you in similar circumstances. Wife wants to love, respect, appreciate, and ease husband’s pain in never-ending ways; it’s what her nature calls for. Husband wants to ignore her feelings, explain, and walk and talk her through recovery; his nature calls for it. But tough love calls for the opposite; each spouse supplies what they don’t want to supply but they do it anyway.

Tough love saves marriages. Spouses eventually learn that certain times exist when they have to do things about which they don’t feel good about themselves but their spouse feels better just because of the respect and attention shown by the giver to the receiver. In the end, his male-nature assistance isn’t what she needs, and her female-nature help interferes with his self-healing process. But tough love enables mutual recovery from the depths of grief.

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1833. Sex Difference Redux—Part 81: Conquering Men II


Theme: How to minimize the effect when wife convinces herself that husband loves his job more than her!

The subject calls Ben Franklin to mind. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In spite of how women wish it, a woman can’t be a man’s ONLY love. She can prevent anguish and pain by extinguishing that expectation. She can prevent rather than cure self-inflicted wounds. It helps if she better understands the male nature as explained here.

A couple’s common interest splits over their different prime motivators. He seeks to satisfy his yearning for self-admiration, which crowns his desire to be significant. It’s the male nature in action. Self-admiration comes mostly from competing with and achievement among men. Some men compete with themselves such as more diligently doing a good job just for personal satisfaction. Many others find satisfaction working around the home such as yard care, repairing things, or upgrading the house.

A woman’s prime motivator urges her to satisfy her need for self-importance, which crowns her desire to live better with people. When he’s present, she feels important. When he’s absent, her sense of importance goes down, while his self-admiration goes up by tackling his goals elsewhere. Consequently, she can’t be his only love because he has two.

Husband’s first love is his work. Life in the workaday world came before wife, so work has first-born status and obligations. Whether at the job or something else that provides opportunity, such as competing with sports buddies, he seeks self-admiration through work and competition with self or other men. The greater his need and opportunity to satisfy that yearning away from home, the more likely he spends time away from her. He doesn’t love her less; but he may love something else better when she doesn’t urgently need him at home.

If not first, his second love is for HIS woman, the one he ‘owns’ and to whom he’s devoted. Unless she’s sick or otherwise justifies absence from his job, his normal providing and protecting enables her to do without his constant presence. Also, his work much more effectively makes him feel good about himself. So, he tends to favor it. (You can imagine how wife’s nagging, unpleasantness, and needless worry tend to enlarge the attraction of outside interests and magnify husband’s competitive spirit outside the home.)

He earns little or no self-admiration in her presence if she pushes him to achieve goals that he didn’t set or finds fault with what he accomplishes. If she mostly sets the goals for him to achieve, he has much less opportunity for self-admiration at home.

(When faced with wife’s accusations that his job comes before her, a man’s instinctive reaction is proving her wrong. So, he makes love to her. He achieves sexual satisfaction, which in his mind proves that she comes first. Admittedly, some men may do it disingenuously but it’s contrary to their nature.)

Without his first love of accomplishing goals, a man is ill equipped to provide and protect for himself much less wife and family. It’s the power behind producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. WADWMUFGAO. We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, and a man’s work plays a major and often critical role.

Nevertheless, when women sense they are unloved by their man, they often blame his job. She can’t be his one and only love and perhaps not his first. It’s his nature more than her.

NOTE: Men do have a primary weakness. It’s the subject of post 1834.

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1816. Sex Difference Redux— Part 64: Commitment and Devotion I


Their natures differ on how men and women live with these two terms. Commitment verbally attaches one person to another by mutually pledging to combine as a couple and be supportive and faithful to each other. Devotion arises out of actions that emotionally connect and faithfully deliver dedication to another.

Commitment consists of words that each considers mutually agreed and understood. However, the words may or may not gravitate into matching or even mutual actions. Commitment’s a mind function with limited relationship ‘glue’. The female heart yearns for manly commitment to be doubled and hardened by the attributes of masculine devotion. And so, women accept commitment as an interim step toward the buildup of their man’s devotion. However, until they learn the merits of devotion to a woman of great promise for their future, men prefer commitment’s limited and flexible obligations.

Devotion consists of actions that seal one person to another. It’s a heart function with deep-rooted ‘glue’, and pleasant longevity sustains it. Women expect a man’s devotion, because their nature tells them they deserve it. They continually examine a man’s behavior to find or reassure themselves of it. Men kind of stumble into devotion; it happens without their having thought much about it, and a woman’s likeability causes them to stumble more.

Men become devoted to a woman in one of two ways: 1) Love at first sight inspires it. However, the more like puppy love and wimpy it proves to be in her mind, the less respect she has for him. If his devotion enables her to assume the dominant role, both her love and respect dissolve over time. 2) His sincerity in his ‘commitment speeches’, his heart-felt obligation to marriage vows, and her likeability foster the desire in him to please her as he likes to please her. Such is a man’s devotion; he pleases her because it pleases him. WADWMUFGAO* and he feels good pleasing her.

Next, the clash of giants in the commitment-devotion arena. It’s #1817.

——

*We all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

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1810. Sex Difference Redux—Part 60: Female Happiness—Mile 2b Mental


This second mile of the road to female happiness includes the physical (#1809), mental, and spiritual inputs to self-appreciation and self-gratefulness that are essential for happiness. I cover mental today and spiritual tomorrow.

Mental.

Pursuing happiness requires self-discipline of conscious thought in the mind so that new habits are formed in the heart (as women call the subconscious). Many beliefs in the heart trigger bad habits of the mind and work against self-appreciation and self-gratitude. When one’s heart is plagued by any of the following, poor habits of self-behavior discourage both self-appreciation and -gratefulness.

  • Low self-esteem means dislike of self as a person. It forms and hardens in the first three years of life. Throughout life it promotes the worst among other personality components such as the following.
  • Lack of self-love reduces one’s ability to interact with and love others.
  • Self-image controls behavior this way: If you think you can, you do. If you think you can’t, you’re right. Low self-image makes one ultra-cautious or overly ambitious trying to hide it from other people.
  • Self-interest motivates one to pursue goals and fulfill ambitions. Poor or too narrow self-interest weakens one’s motivation to match those of people with whom they associate. They end up with fewer or smaller successes and of less value to those with whom they associate.
  • Self-respect determines one’s trust as held by others. Low self-respect energizes low trust. High self-respect MAY energize high trust.

Everyone is habitually burdened by one or some of those heartfelt beliefs. So, I will describe new behaviors—that when turned into habits—overwrite the negatives above. Or at least weaken them sufficiently that happiness is more easily attainable.

WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Success does it but failure doesn’t. In the following, keep in mind that success should prevail most of the time. So, transcribe success in a ‘gratitude’ journal and forget the rest. The new habit of recording success in one’s handwriting overwrites failures and makes it easy to forgive yourself and forget mistakes.

  • Self-esteem. Unfortunately, one can’t improve low self-esteem. They can only compensate by uplifting self out of the rest of the negative traits. Try their best to not think of disliking self as a person. Instead, learn to like self better as a person and also better as woman, wife, employee, lover, mother, sister, grannie, associate, and all other roles.
  • Self-love. One can love self much better by loving someone else much better. Try it, you’ll like it.
  • Self-image. One improves their self-image each time they do or accomplish something after overcoming anxiety, apprehension, or fear. Success after tackling new challenges changes one’s ability to do more than previously thought.
  • Self-interest. It motivates everyone to pursue what’s important. So, if one makes more things important to them, they both broaden and deepen the return on investment—appreciation and gratitude—so essential for happiness
  • Self-respect. Earn more trust out of other people and one’s self-respect improves.

As one overwrites old habits that arise out of the personality traits listed far above with new habits described immediately above, amazing things happen. They feel better about themselves. They find that self-appreciation is easier to generate, which makes self-gratitude prevail more of the time, which reflects outwardly as an attitude of gratitude, which in turn compounds unto itself to form gobs of happiness that sooner or later become total happiness.

The potential for driving out bad habits with the good is as described above. One can use it to earn the full measure of self-appreciation and self-gratitude.

The second mile about the self concludes with the spiritual side in the next article tomorrow.

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1808. Sex Difference Redux— Part 58: Female Happiness—Mile 1


For over forty years I’ve been plagued by the questioning of a former subordinate employee. I was a college dean and she an amazingly beautiful 18-year old newbie to the work force. She asked to meet privately and very innocently and seriously asked with the implication that I was old and wiser: All I want is to be happy; how do I get it? We raised three sons and no daughters, I had recently left the Navy, and I had experience with only one female employee. And anyway, men don’t think about ‘happy’. I was totally unprepared and embarrassed with nothing of consequence to offer. The predicament still stirs my memory (I even recall her name). Working with this blog I found the answer and wish I could finally convey it to her.

My original thoughts about this subject were revolutionary in expectations for marriage but reason prevailed. I offer principles and explain processes for improving both personal habits and marital results. The purpose is simply to tell women why and how to enlarge their natural deposit of happiness.

I’m sorry, but I don’t intend it as advice. You’ll have to study thoroughly and reason yourself to success. Only you can figure out what you can and should do, what you owe yourself above and beyond what you owe others. And remember this above all: Happiness is a process and not a goal. You work for it, but you never really get all you hope for.

These principles pave the endless road toward what women seek:

• Happiness comes from one’s sense of gratefulness, which is a recognizable expression of what one appreciates internally. Thus, appreciative thoughts beget gratefulness which produces elements of happiness. The more that women find ways to appreciate self, beliefs, others, and events, the more they generate an attitude of gratitude, and the smoother and more certain is their road to happiness.

• The female nature harbors a strong urge and unique talent to find happiness. The urge and talent enhance feminine mystique, female modesty, monogamous aspirations, and the rest of the feminine side of the female nature. Women are thus enabled to find appreciation where men can’t and produce gratitude that pleases the finder.

• People see an attitude of gratitude as reflective of someone’s inner spirit. However, happiness accumulates deeper inside one’s psyche and doesn’t show outwardly. A person may be happy, but it’s more of a spirit and the specific details of why escape them. In fact, if one interrogates self for the presence or cause of their happiness, the details tend to run together and morph into confusion or more questions. Ergo, happiness is more real when it’s not even thought about. It’s more process than goal.

• What you record in handwriting lingers much longer and stronger in your memory and psyche. So, keeping a handwritten journal of what you appreciate and are grateful for both reinforces your desire and strengthens your drive. Recording success redoubles effort.

• Faults and criticisms prevent finding gratitude and even squeeze gratefulness that should be obvious into irrelevance or oblivion. Negatives overpower positives by a wide margin. Women can’t just open their hearts. They have to smother negative thoughts and attitudes that reside there. New habits can smother and displace many bad habits that make relationships and especially marriage crumble before the unknowing and often unaware eyes of women.

The female heart works in deliberate ways.

• Only women can do what I describe; their hearts are sufficiently open. Men can’t do it; their nature fights against it. However, men easily learn to appreciate, encourage, support, and love a woman when she practices the art I describe below.

• Something for women to appreciate exists in everything and everyone if they but find it. The more persistently they try to uncover what are blessings to feminine eyes, the sooner and more easily they smother negative thoughts and habits with new and affirming ones.

• All women long for happiness, but many find, pay attention, and criticize the faults within themselves and others. Rather than appreciating what they like, they focus on what they don’t like. WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, so such women feel good about spotlighting what they don’t appreciate, or they have either the hope or intention of making something or someone more easily appreciated. It can be fun or so many wouldn’t do it, but it makes women do U-turns on the road to happiness.

That completes mile one on the road to happiness. A woman learns and practices the art of finding blessings for her in everything and everyone she encounters.

Mile two comes next at #1809 and looks at finding happiness with herself.

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