Tag Archives: woman-think

2604. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 13a: Hank Explained


Her Highness Femme says “there is NO WAY a man would make a speech like that to a woman (me).” I’m sure she rings many bells elsewhere.

The series is titled, Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Common sense says both parties and a dual responsibility. Common senses says that sharing, dividing, and fulfilling the dual responsibility is a competitive and possibly combative job. Common sense says negative motivation—criticism and blame—produces unwanted results and can prompt failure in any process. Works that way with kids doesn’t it? Husbands are just big kids in the view of their wives. Yet, many wives ignore common sense and produce their own misery.

Women want their husband to be more responsible, and so Hank assumes full and complete responsibility even ahead of his marriage to Jenny. He exemplifies his male nature; he is sufficiently motivated to upgrade a system in need, please his woman, and admire himself for having undertaken to produce such promising results. The greatest satisfaction comes from the toughest achievements, and Hank is hardwired to believe it.

Women sympathize, empathize, share their miseries, swap justifying thoughts, and support each other as they bad mouth men. Then, as a gender, they shape their complaints and blames into female-sharpened hatchets to be thrust into the masculine psyche. With Hank, I idealize five things to expect, if men did what women claim they want and expect.

  1. Our man Hank takes complete charge to produce a magnificent plan of what he thinks his woman will more than welcome. He has no hidden agenda and expects to negotiate details later. (He knows the marriage system doesn’t work well. Women rely on love, but it is never enough. He intends to prevent problems rather than have to overcome them and thereby relieve Jenny of so many wifely problems. His intentions are far more honorable than any woman should expect, but yet less acceptable. He lacks one thing: spur of the moment woman-think, and his lack converts the story to fantasy.)
  2. Our motivated hero demonstrates with actions his promise to be a good husband, to take charge and assume responsibility for mate, family, and home. (He is motivated to assume all risks and rely on his expectation that wife will provide full cooperation with his leadership. He dreams of their life together sixty years from now. He’s not a dawdler. He accomplishes, produces, and can be depended upon to make things work out satisfactorily.)
  3. Our potential husband already planned how he intends to prevent rather than have to heal or recover from interpersonal problems with wife and family. (The eight strategies described in post 2600.)
  4. Inspired not just by Jenny but his own need to please her, Hank knows what Jenny needs most. His plans are aimed directly to guarantee his promise to cherish her for life as her husband.
  5. Following his nature, Hank designs and plans to cure ailments in the ailing marital system, because he is sufficiently incentivized to make his life more sterling in his eyes and golden in Jenny’s.

There comes a time in the world of under performing marriages, wifely complaints, and assigning blame that men stand up to say, let’s do something else; e.g., upgrade marriage. It was Hank’s time, and he took it. Common sense says he could never get away with it. In fact, it would probably scare most women away. But not Jenny, she has her own lessons to teach, so the fantasy continues.

Admittedly, the story morphed to fantasy. It is pardonable. He knows the female nature and knows it well, but Hank lacks one thing. Woman-think, the common mental processes that will dominate Jenny’s development of events and relationships under his grand plan. It amounts to this in the real world. A man’s planning for their future too easily interferes with a woman’s relationship development and self-brightening of her own future at the present time.

Of course you won’t see or hear Hank’s speech from a man today. Hank morphed from real in chapter 1 to fantasy in 13.  Women don’t always need what they expect out of men and their man, and Hank represents it on steroids. It’s Jenny’s turn for fantasy, next.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

2063. Signs of Devotion in the Dating Stage


At post 2055 Her Highness Cinnamon asked for details that reveal a guy’s devotion in the dating phase. That’s easy. There is none except his devotion to his interest and her devotion to her interest. However, there’s always the possibility of a man’s love at first sight. One of the first things that emerges quickly is devotion to her. It’s just an ‘automatic’ phenomenon. (Women don’t love a man at first sight; they just imagine it out of too much anxiety or hope.)

However, I see what Cinnamon is after. What signals a man’s worth to move into courtship and beyond? With apology to her, however, I think more benefit may come from citing things often overlooked by gals enthralled in romantic love.

Therefore, these ‘pointy fingers’ hint at or reveal the unlikelihood that a man’s devotion of almost any woman will develop. That is, red flags unfurl, stormy weather ahead.

  1. He resists or resents just about anything that pleases her. He pleases her only when he wants something. (Which reflects deep self-centeredness and probably selfishness.)
  2. He lacks thoughtfulness, respect, punctuality, reliability, politeness, or even awkwardness or discomfort in his attempts to charm her. (Awkwardness discloses uneasiness about doing something wrong, and so it’s a good sign.)
  3. He lacks appreciation for her humor, presence, patience, housekeeping, job or family obligations, attractiveness (above and beyond the sexual).
  4. He presents her with no evidence that he admires any features, traits, habits, or qualities about her. (Lack of admiration means he sees no virtues in her and men want to marry a virtuous woman.)
  5. He doesn’t please her in order to please himself. (This is tricky. He’s more invested in her when he pleases her to please himself.)
  6. He lacks interest to do what she sometimes wants them to do together. (Such lack of respect signals no foundation for his love.)
  7. He considers her attentions to him to be excessive and has no problem telling her about it. (If she nags about loneliness, she is the red flag.)
  8. He angers easily at her for little things. That is, he ticks off easily. (And you say, most men do. And I say, not if she’s important enough for him. He either values her above his temper or devotion is probably not in the cards. Admittedly, after they marry, couples learn that husband’s temper and devotion are not mutually exclusive like they should be in courtship when his self-control is part of selling himself to her. Wife has already bought into him.)
  9. He shows little interest in contacting her frequently and regularly. (He may have good reason and slowness of initiative should not raise a red flag. For example, it’s tolerable if he wants to keep him in her mind, but preferable if he wants to set her mind at ease.)
  10. He seems unwilling to respect and accommodate both her modesty and vanity. He can’t live with the fairness (normal man’s value) of being punctual to her tardiness fixing up. (In the natural course of things, her tardiness signifies that she’s the more important member of the courting arrangement. If not acknowledged by him, red flags unfurl and courtship is probably wrong for them.)
  11. He exhibits bad habits as she defines ‘bad’ without his showing interest to change just to please her. (Doesn’t mean he has to change at her request but to at least show honest and sincere effort to do so hopefully for the purpose of just satisfying her.)
  12. He prefers the company of buddies over aloneness with her. (IOW, she’s not as respected as his fun or socializing time.)
  13. He lets sex dominate his thinking when around her and when contacting her routinely. (The more prevalent his interest in sex, the less his true interest in her. How can I say that? People get what they think about. Thinking about it leaves less time and words for other things. Until pre-conquest sex with her is hugely secondary, he’s not very devoted to her.)
  14. He resists investing his time, effort, or money in her. He’s single-minded to be super-efficient in their relationship. To produce the most for them at least cost to him. (After they marry, he gets worse. He won her with frugality, he can keep her satisfied (man’s value) while he becomes more successful at it. It’s the man’s nature coming alive this way. He admires himself for every nickel saved. Unfortunately, she pays a huge price for his satisfaction and her inability to earn happiness for lack of resources with which to spread her gratefulness among others.)
  15. He gives too big rather than thoughtful gifts. (Trying too hard to impress her signals that he’s buying her off, which reverses their natural roles. It pushes her into the corner of becoming the seller (to keep gifts coming) rather than the buyer of whatever he has to offer of himself without gifts. Respect is not buried in gifts but in the intent behind the giving. Thoughtfulness reflects his respect much better than his gift. Am I right, ladies?)
  16. He keeps his schedule from her to prevent her knowledge, involvement, or ability to investigate. (It’s natural for men to thus protect their independence and tend to their own business in their own way. It’s a strong instinct proportionally related to alpha, beta, gamma traits.)
  17. He keeps his agenda mysterious and doesn’t even hint at what her role might be in his life if and when they get more serious or marry. (Unwillingness to address her role keeps her closer to the sideline in case he wants to jump out of the relationship. The absence of such thoughts corresponds with unwillingness to fully commit.)
  18. He seems to purposely make himself unpredictable to her. (To be predictable is to lose independence. Men not fully devoted to their woman try endlessly to retain their independence even in small ways.)
  19. He flirts with other women when with her. (Contrary to woman-think, routine flirting does not signify emotional infidelity. Men don’t recognize emotional infidelity as important, and they don’t or can’t empathize with women about it. Therefore, women have to be more direct and teach their man, Thou shall not flirt, period.)
  20. He fails to flirt and tease her tenderly, abundantly, and sincerely. (Then he has little or no interest in making her feel good about herself.)
  21. He shows more interest in other things and people than in her. (He’s just not that into her, is he?)
  22. He sends out signals that she interprets as his using her to advance his agenda. (Does she want to tag along with his agenda?)
  23. He dodges commitment except when tied to frequent and convenient access to sex—e.g., shack up—and dodges even more when marriage comes up. (The female heart is loaded with self-protective reasons to find fault in such a guy.)
  24. He uses words of commitment but doesn’t show actions that signify devotion. (Her heart know this. Words are temporary. Only devotion is permanent. Now, how does she go about helping the former become the latter? Be herself, trust her heart, and rely on her patience and indirectness.)
  25. He attaches little extra value to the ‘us’ side of their relationship. He just can’t truly make her more important than him in his value system. (It does not bode well for her future even if sweetened by his presence.)
  26. He proactively claims both intent and ability to make her happy. (His idea of her happiness is her responding favorably to his leadership. OTOH, if he’s truly into her rather than sex, he’s worried about keeping her (the present) more than promising things (the future).)
  27. He promises her the moon. It’s an indirect invitation to bed. (When men come courting with indirectness, they abandon their direct nature. Women like to hear but should not trust romantic promises. Don’t dump him yet. Wait for his actions to match his words.)

Now, obviously those behaviors are more easily detectable during courtship. But the symptoms can be detected in dating and should raise red flags.

Cinnamon, if this doesn’t respond sufficiently well to your request, let me know. However, I know you ladies read more good signs and red flags in your lives than I can ever imagine. I think reason to veto is more useful. Avoidance usually beats the cure. Women already know how to buy in when they want to believe their date is almost Mr. Right.

During the dating phase, women should look for behaviors that hint that he’s not likely to fit any of those pointed fingers. That is, he’s likely to grow in the direction that leads to devotion. It may, however, be courtship phase before those signs are certain enough in a dating woman’s mind so they don’t rise up and bite her. If her screening and judging stop before he walks to the altar, she has sold herself short.

 

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1960. Compatibility Axioms #322-330


A quick recap: God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize us to be compatible with a mate. We match up easily in many ways.  
322. Men are driven to overcome Nature and other barriers, compete with men, and shape human events. Women need a brighter future for them and theirs. Compatible matchup? [126]
323. Men just need a place to flop, eat, and throw their things. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Compatible matchup? [126]
324. Men want the freedom to pursue their nature as hunter-conquerors and target high value prey. For example, men don’t mount rabbit heads in their den or pursue women they find unappealing. Women want help when they need it in a world they cannot dominate. Compatible potential?
325. Women are born pretty. Men are born handy. Compatible matchup?
326. Women fear abandonment. Men fear insignificance. By promoting their man’s significance, women demote their fear. Compatible potential?
327. Men have a natural inclination for directness and impatience. Women are endowed with the talent for indirectness strengthened by patience. Their willingness to be flexible and negotiate enables them to gain ultimate influence in relationships to the advantage of them and children. Compatible potential?
328. Man-think primarily focuses men on the present. Woman-think primarily focuses women on the future. Compatible potential?
329. Women are motivated to enhance their sense of importance through relationships. Men are motivated to earn self-admiration through accomplishments. Compatible potential?
330. Women are naturally modest. Men are not but respect women for insistence on it. Compatible potential?

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1798. Sex Difference Redux—Part 49: Art of Love vs. Lovemaking


Her Highness An Avid Follower and a Lady asked at 1797 for details about enhancing the art of love within a man. She commented in woman-think. I close the gap with man-think.

Loving is a basic and critical component of the female nature. Both love and the art of love originate within individual females. A girl’s mind dreams of love. As a woman, her mind conceives the art of love, and her heart detects failures, measures successes, and judges men according to her expectations.

The concept of love is foreign to the male nature. Men must be taught to value it. Women expect to see the ‘art of love’ flow out of men as if men know how and what to do. However, men know only what they have learned from family, buddies, and previous females in their lives, that is:

  1. Mothers indoctrinate, fathers exemplify, and sisters encourage boys to love and show affection to females. As one might expect, dysfunctional families produce lousy lovers by female expectations.
  2. From teen and adult buddies, boys and men pick up successful tactics aimed at gaining access to more sex. As one might expect, males learn almost exclusively about the art of lovemaking centered on intercourse. The art of love centered on devotion is rarely mentioned.
  3. Teen girls tame boys and young men. They teach males to display loving and loveable gestures in order to earn the favor of females. As one might expect, cheap and easy teen sex produces this in adulthood: selfish and high performance oriented lovers in males and inadequate devotion of males for females.
  4. Adult women condition men to show affection and figure out how to please a woman’s desire to be loved and to provide it. As one might expect, women either upholds standards that teach men the art of love, or they bow to the masculine art of lovemaking.

Out of those experiences, a man stabilizes his version of the art of love based on his personal version of lovemaking. It becomes habitual and difficult to change. Embellishments to please a particular woman come only after she gently coaches him to be more artful in her eyes.

The sexes differ greatly. Women dream of the art of love centered on devotion. Men dream of the art of lovemaking centered on intercourse. Only females can change the masculine focus, but it requires that girls and women generate mutual devotion before yielding to intercourse.

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