I like to do problem solving work. But this time, no. I’m just going to dump a major relationship problem in your lap. Do with it as you please and let me know if you see improvement in your relationships with your man, children, and workplace associates.
The problem ID? Too much blame going around. A woman’s blame drives her man away. Love and blame are mutually exclusive and love is the work of woman, blame is the work of conscience and God.
In other people and yourself, treat disregard, unconcern, faults, and incompetencies as accidents of Nature. It happens, and you are not responsible to correct everyone, even if they do make your life miserable. You chose or birthed those that cause you the most trouble, so find another way to lift your misery. Training before is far superior to blaming after the fact. Humans ain’t perfect, which is why recovery is everything.
What Women Never Hear 
I do admit, I blame him for practically everything, and he well deserves it. I don’t necessarily say it to him — much and not as I used to do. But, in my heart, he’s to blame for my unhappiness and I am trying to get rid of those thoughts and forgive and let him be who he is. Before anyone thinks the worst, there has been no unfaithfulness on his part, just terribly bad decisions, lack of kindness, foundation of angry upbringing which has produced a lot of anger in him. I like what you have said here, Sir Guy. Love and blame are mutually exclusive and leave blame in the hands of God. Thank you. I need more on this subject.
Your Highness Sharonwithmaryandmartha,
I have two suggestions. Your screen name tells me that you put your daughters over husband.
I suggest you change it. How about BobsProudWife (if his name is Bob) or something similar that signals his importance to you. Not just for him; it’s for you.
Write him an honest and sincere letter. I extract the following from that I sent another lady. You’ll have to tailor it to fit your circumstances. Use the concept more than the words. (Words on paper enter the eyes and men respect what they see better than what they hear.)
——
You certainly are ______________ or I may never have listened to what you said on our first date. But getting my attention that way had nothing to do with what value I found in you.
The accident of birth isn’t what made you the tremendous man that you now are. I admire you so deeply for your character, especially your integrity, and the promise you hold for you, me, our children. Your steadiness comforts me and the kids, your hands excite me, your company pleases me, your clumsiness pleasing me tickles me pink. You’re such a delight to live with. All women should be as blessed as I.
God blesses many people, but I think he promoted me to the top of His list when He sent you to me.
Your loyal—and getting more loyal every day—wife,
Sharon
Sharon,
Please smile in the mirror at yourself every time you enter a bathroom. It does wonders for your physic. (no it does not matter if in your private home or in public…and who cares if people are standing there… smile anyway!)
I’ll do that, thank you!
I’ll write that letter. The unfortunately long name (I had no idea at the time that you could use spaces in the user name at the time) refers to the biblical Mary and Martha. I occasionally write a little blog, sometimes about scriptures – as in, “Mary” and sometimes about home keeping – as in, “Martha”. Those of you who know the story of these sisters will understand. It’s found in Luke 10:38-42 Next user name I have to make up, I promise to honor him in it.
I do brag to and about publicly Husband’s work skills. Employers in every place he has worked wants to keep him. He’s very conscientious and knowledgeable in his work, and I tell everyone that. But in relationships, not so good. Also, what he says, in spite of our daughters’ begging, goes. “Dad said” is the final answer. However, I do let some things slide and just don’t let him know. That may be wrong, but right now, I’m not sure. Remember the anger issue. I do know I need to work on my thinking and blame game, as you have said here. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do, surpassing self-control when it comes to eating right and exercising. Your words have helped, Sir Guy.
Beautiful and well said! Blame and what goes along with it, shame, are techniques used to try to manipulate and control someone else’s behavior. The problem is that it tends to harden men’s hearts rather than soften them. It is also is a way of handing all your own power away. If someone else is to blame than someone else is the only one with the power to make things better. It can take quite a leap of faith and some surrendered pride, but if we can instead meet those offenses with forgiveness and empathy, it tends to be far more effective.
Your Highness Insanitybytes22,
Durn, sweetheart, you are one wise lady. You keep adding such gems.
I’ve long claimed, he who takes the blame has the help of others to fix it.
Guy
Dear Insanitybyes,
Your comment really made me think today as you hit on something very interesting about the blame / power game—it’s a way of relating to each other where no one ever “wins.” It just creates more negativity. It reminds me of the “drama triangle” (have you heard of it?) where each person in a conflict has a role (persecutor/victim/rescuer) which puts the “blame” with someone else, so no one is ever accountable for their actions and situation. Each person seeks to obtain power/control over the other person, yet all parties in reality lose due to lack of accountability with blame at the center. It’s rather fascinating when a you recognize you’re in it, you can learn how to get out of it by being accountable for yourself. That moves you into the “recovery process” Sir Guy talks about. The flip side of these roles would be to become: Creator (instead of Victim), Coach (instead of Rescuer), and Challenger (instead of Persecutor).
Five stars and an AMEN to this post!
Five star article and an “AMEN’ to that!
This reminds me a few weeks back I asked our little waitress to please break a large bill into small ones. She came back and we paid our bill. Once she handed me the bills and walked off I looked at them. None of them were in the denomination I had requested. I had my then 16 year old with me. “Hmmm.” I stated. “She did not give me what I asked for. Oh well, perhaps she did not have the bills I needed and had to give what she had on hand.” (shrugged)
That’s now I not blame….. blaming is wayyy to easy and a very nasty habit in which to break. I usually give most everyone a benefit of a doubt. (with a few exceptions) I find it is like cyanide you take yourself, while waiting for the other person to die.
It makes men as well as women extremely bitter in their hearts which ends up on their hard faces. 😦
Ok, Sir Guy… don’t be to harsh with me. 🙂 Only placed song here to encourage… not to blame.
..with your permission of course. (smiles sweetly)
About blame: I have an acquaintance who is just now divorced after 20 years of marriage. Every time we talk everything (not just the martial stuff) is someone else’s fault and she is the victim. I see this as the opposite of how I want to be. So thanks for the good article for that reminder.
Also I have a new theory to test out on you Sir Guy if that is okay?
Here it is: I am looking at everyone I’ve ever known and realizing that if their mother (or grandmother) taught them the right way to be then they are likable and have turned out well.
The more messed up the mother was (if there was no interference from a kindly grandma) the more messed up the kids (I know we all have issues but some people work on theirs or have a handle on them at least).
This applies for everyone I can think of, even people who for years on the outside looked like they were so perfect but the end result was they were hiding a lot and you could see it over time with the choices the children made.
Am I on the right track here? Is a mother’s direction (or grandmother’s depending) really this powerful for how a person turns out?
The people I most admire had a mother who had it together (and not to sounds overly religious but also had God/Higher Power).
But this is just a theory, you have seen way more than I have. Can you speak to this at some point?
Your Highness MLaRowe,
I hope to support your theory with my next article, #2348. Thanks for the inspiration. You don’t know how right you are.
Guy
P.S. I’m very overloaded so both article and responses to other ladies are lagging. But I’ll get there.
G.
Hi MLaRowe. We all have those friends and yours is prob. going through a very hard time right now and does feel victimized. Maybe indeed she is. I have a friend whose husband died suddenly (A few years ago) leaving her a single mom of two young children. She is angry at (blames) God and life and its hard for her to get a job because of the kids. She isn’t always polite right now, is tired most of the time and cancels plans at the last minute. I still care for her and once in awhile send her job notices I find if I think they are appropriate. I do try to get together to have girl talk, but I just try to make sure I have things to do afterwards. I realize she can’t give back right now. Maybe ever. She’s a different person now, life happened.
I’m guessing you have prob. realized too that although you care for your acquaintance, you can just give her a limited amount of emotional energy. She is lucky to have you to listen even if you can only take so much. Who knows some people are just stuck in the sob setting.
Sir Guy
I am foggy on reconciling these two concepts: not blaming him and competing with him preconquest/premarriage for my self respect when he offends as discussed in previous posts. I tend to err on giving most folks the benefit of the doubt and rarely outwardly acknowledge the offense unless it is a “big” offense. I suppose therein lies the conundrum; what’s a “little” offense or a “big” offense. Seems to me a lot of little offendes or repetition of a little offense is just as detrimental as a “big” offense as far relationship management goes. My head is spinning over analyzing this one Sir!
Blame may indeed sometimes be “deserved”, but thats different than saying its an effective negotiating tool! Also, you may do “all the right things” and still be attacked or blamed yourself for something you had never thought of. We cannot read another persons mind and that is why I feel the small problems do need to be noticed and bravely addressed, in a spirit of helpfulness, before they spiral beyond repair.
Compassion and understanding are in very short supply today.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I ADDED MY RESPONSE IN CAPS following your comments in lower case.
YOUR HIGHNESS EDITH,
Reading and thinking about this, it strikes me that there are two seemingly opposing things at work when a woman feels (rightly or wrongly) that a man needs to be made aware of negative things that are causing problems in a relationship.
Blame is bad whoever is handing it out. But I don’t understand exactly what the alternative should be, or why certain modes of communication that I would call honest and sincere have the potential to be interpreted as blame. BECAUSE THE OTHER PERSON USES OTHER THAN YOUR WORDS TO CONCLUDE WHAT YOU THINK. EXAMPLE: TONE OF VOICE AND NON-VERBALS AND BODY LANGUAGE. YOU CAN BE HONEST AND SINCERE AND STOMP YOUR FOOT A COUPLE OF TIMES; WHAT DOES IT IMPLY TO THE LISTENER?
On the one hand, there is the “Gospel Truth” that I have heard for years: men don’t like hints and they don’t like games and they just want things clear, simple, and to the point. So my take-away from this is: if a woman is unhappy about some aspect of her relationship with a man, it does no good to hint about it. Right? NEGATIVE. SEE BELOW.
On the other hand there is the reality that if a woman tells a man upfront (for instance), “It makes me unhappy that you spend so much time at work; I want you to spend less time at work and more time at home with me,” well, the man is going to resist, ignore, deny, and give the woman even less of what she wants. TRUE. AS YOU PHRASE IT, YOU EXPECT HIM TO GIVE UP HIS JOB FOR YOU. HE REASONS THAT TO DO SO IS TO LOSE HIS JOB OR BE UNABLE TO DO WHAT HIS SENSE OF DUTY REQUIRES.
IT’S HIS INBORN NATURE. UNLESS HE’S TAUGHT OTHERWISE, HIS AMBITION TO EARN SELF-ADMIRATION, REINFORCE SELF-RESPECT, AND EARN SATISFACTION THROUGH ACCOMPLISHMENTS COME BEFORE HIS WOMAN. THE VEHICLE BEING HIS JOB. EASIER FOR YOU TO ADJUST THAN FOR HIM TO WEAKEN OR LOSE HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE/PROTECT, WHICH IS HIS PRIMARY MISSION LIVING WITH YOU. OR SO HIS LOGIC AND REASON CONVINCE HIM.
I have read any number of places on WWNH that the way to get a man to change is by indirection. Never directly criticize or blame; always indirectly suggest or encourage. Don’t even think of saying something negative. There is the famous line, “A man is never so manly as when . . . ” IT’S INBORN. MEN REJECT ORDERS FROM A WOMAN. YOU CAN SEE IT IN TODDLERS.
BY USING INDIRECT TECHNIQUES, FEMALES LEAD MALES BY THE NOSE. MOM SAYS, “HONEY, MOM DOESN’T APPROVE OF THAT. THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER NEXT TIME?” THAT PUTS IN SON’S LAP THE BURDEN TO WANT TO PLEASE SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF.
YOU SAY TO YOUR MAN OF INTEREST, “I’VE LONG WANTED TO VISIT ‘SUCH-AND-SUCH’ BUT AM FEARFUL OF DOING IT ALONE. WOULD YOU ESCORT ME SOMETIME AT YOUR CONVENIENCE?”
MEN LIKE TO RESCUE WOMEN, BUT WOMEN HAVE TO GENERATE THE NEED FOR RESCUE. BLAME, DIRECTNESS AS IN ORDERS, OR BLATANT EXPECTATIONS DO NOT RESEMBLE NEED OF RESCUE.
The idea is that an indirect hint allows a man to behave as if the solution to a problem or the fulfillment of a woman’s wishes was his idea; no woman pushed him into it. Not sure why it is so essential to a man to be “the one who thought of it.” IT’S ESSENTIAL BECAUSE IT WORKS AND SHE GETS HER WAY THROUGH THE SIMPLE EXPEDIENT OF OUTSMARTING HIM SUCH THAT HE CAN’T OR DOESN’T TAKE OFFENSE.
And of course the flip side of this, as pointed out in various ways on WWNH, is that women should never compliment a man directly . . . because men are always hinky about any compliment they feel they have not deserved. (And apparently men are really hard on themselves; based on the “meh” reactions to compliments I’ve given over the past few years, there must be a fair number of men who think their very real achievements are dog poop.) THE DOG POOP TERM MAKES ME THINK THIS. DON’T PHRASE COMPLIMENTS AS WOMEN DO. PHRASE THEM AS ADMIRATION OF MASCULINE QUALITIES JUST DISPLAYED. I THINK YOU MAY SEE DIFFERENT RESULTS.
Again, the ideal is indirection. “A man is never so manly as when . . .” YOU BRING OUT TWO POINTS THAT ARE INSTINCTIVE TO MEN.
1)THEY DON’T APPRECIATE UNEARNED GIFTS. THEY EXPECT TO EARN WHAT THEY GET, WHICH CONFIRMS BOTH THE RIGHTNESS AND EXTENT OF THEIR EFFORT. NOT SAYING GIFTING DOESN’T WORK AS WOMEN DESIRE BUT THAT IT’S NOT NEARLY THE BEST WAY. WOMEN TAME WITH CHARMING EXPERTISE, THEY DON’T BRIBE MEN.
2) THE TERM “THANK YOU” IS INSUFFICIENT. WOMEN USE IT TOO MUCH. IF MEN DO SOMETHING TO EARN YOUR RECOGNITION, THEN DON’T USE SUCH AN OVERUSED FEMININE TERM TO SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE (A GIFT) WHEN THEY WANT WOMEN TO MAKE THEM FEEL UNIQUE. USE SOMETHING MORE MASCULINE. THAT’S WHERE THIS COMES FROM: “MEN ARE NEVER MORE HANDSOME THAN WHEN THEY PLEASE A (THEIR) WOMAN.”
So where did the notion that a woman must speak to a man clearly, directly, and specifically come from? Where did the idea come from that hinting is a bad idea? WWNH makes it sound like the exact opposite is true. THE ANSWER TO BOTH QUESTIONS: FROM MEN WHO FEEL TRAPPED BY NOT TAKING THEIR WOMAN’S PREVIOUS HINTS. THEY REACT
IN SELF-DEFENSE AND OUT OF GUILT, AND MEN INCIDENTALLY REJECT GUILT IMPOSED BY WOMEN.
HE’S ON THE SPOT SO HE PASSES THE BLAME BACK TO HER. “DON’T PUSSYFOOT AROUND, JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,” WHICH TAKES HIM OFF THE HOOK AND HANGS HER OUT TO DRY.
EDITH, DARLING, FOR A NEWBIE COMMENTER, YOU’RE VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE BLOG. I APPRECIATE YOUR GOOD WRITING AND DILIGENCE IN BRINGING OUT THE POINTS ABOVE. WELL DONE.
GUY
Guy
Both my parents spoke to each other quite bluntly at times, and my father often turned a deaf ear to my mother’s indirect comments about things that concerned her.
And when my father and I would have discussions about life, the weather, politics, religion, food, you name it, he had a fondness for pouncing on every perceived weakness in my point of view, and he only backed off if I gave as good as I got. Hard for me to do verbally, but I developed into the kind of writer you see because in writing I could really stand up to him, and he would take me seriously.
So I grew up thinking that in order to have a man respect me, I had to be able to get in the ring, somehow take the blows, and somehow throw them right back.
Based on what I learned, being soft and vague seemed like the worst thing a woman could be
I once told the man I have mentioned here, “I never want to lie to you.” That was in the context of telling him that I admired and respected him. I gave him specific examples of why I did so that he could see that he had really done things to deserve my opinion of him. I wanted to say something to show him that I am on his side, I am his supporter.
But I can see now that what I thought was refreshing honesty and transparency was guaranteed to transmit the message, “Run away from her!!! She’s dangerous!”
Sigh.
Your Highness Edith,
You say: “But I can see now that what I thought was refreshing honesty and transparency was guaranteed to transmit the message, ‘Run away from her!!! She’s dangerous!'”
“refreshing honesty and transparency” are not gifts that men value highly except as they interpret it from her actions.
“Run away from her!!! She’s dangerous!” I doubt it. More likely is that you explained yourself too extensively. People tend to disrespect people who do that. Men like to figure such things out for themselves.
Guy
I will submit again that I learned to express myself extensively in order to stand my ground with my father and show him I could give as good as I got in conversations.
And my father learned his full-on style of communicating as a result of having to set limits with his mother who bore him late in life and relied on him intensely when my grandparents were older and in declining health.
And that, coupled with the ever-trumpeted idea that men are simple and just want simple, direct, speech . . . no guessing, no interpreting, no hinting . . .
Generally, when I was in high school and college, I waited and waited for guys to figure me out and see what a prize I was. I was very shy, willowy, with big blue eyes and blonde hair. I didn’t say boo. I was a fantastic listener.
I did have my guy friends. Hmm.
My one really close male friend in high school came out of the closet junior year. My actual college freshman boyfriend came out of the closet a few years after we broke up. Two straight male friends in college hung around me a lot but ended up dating, sleeping with, and marrying other women.
At a certain point, I guess I got pretty blunt with men I knew because they seemed so freaking clueless about my value.
So here I am forty-ish years later, and I have yet to be in a situation where I am minding my own beautiful business, and a man somewhere out there gives himself a smack in the head and says, “Edith! Why didn’t I see what prize she was twenty years ago?”
I am trying to hold onto a sense of confidence that I am eminently worth figuring out and that some man will soon want to do that, but seriously, there are days when a lifetime of blunt habits seems almost impossible to overcome.