- Girls need one process growing up to produce two desired results later in life. They need regular chores, special tasks, and relationship responsibilities up to which they learn to achieve, master by themselves, and thereby self-develop on their own. Out of that particular process grows self-respect and a mature sense of responsibility as an adult.
- Boys need one process growing up that produces two desired results later in life. They need regular chores, special tasks, and triumph-like responsibilities up to which they learn to achieve, master by themselves, and thereby self-develop on their own. Out of it grows self-love and a mature sense of responsibility to work as an adult.
- A man doesn’t love anyway close to how a woman loves with her heart. He depends on both heart and mind. His love is a function of several ingredients. First and foremost, he must respect her. Then, if she’s likeable and loyal to him, he can be loyal to her if he’s also likeable to her. He doesn’t just jump in; he qualifies himself as to whether he loves her or not.
- The mature adult values that children are taught and believe prevents their learning adolescent values after puberty. What they don’t learn to believe before puberty, they pick up immature substitutes in adolescence and become adultolescents, physical adults but mental adolescents. Immaturity follows them for life.
- Men want freedom to make their own decisions. Women want the same freedom but also the availability of a helpmate to help brighten their future together. Compatibility prevails according to how well they work out the differences.
- A woman’s greatest fear is abandonment, and a man’s is insignificance. Compatibility can survive until one goes too far against the other’s fear.
- She is born pretty, he is born handy. Compatibility’s built in.
Tag Archives: self-respect
The following are some results from the way the sexes are born differently. It describes the need of why women are born with so much relationship expertise that men lack. Women are especially endowed with the ability to overcome how two natures work contrary to each other.
- A woman’s love connects her to a man, but the reverse is not true. Her love is an unearned gift to him, and men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. It does not follow that not appreciating her love is not appreciating her. He measures his appreciation of her in a mixture of other ways that earn and retain his respect.
- Women, loaded with self-love and ardent desire to spread it, instinctively rely on three little words to fix all that is broke. Men are not born with self-love and earn it as they develop, and so womanly love has a lesser importance.
- Women are not born with self-respect; they earn it as they develop. OTOH, men are born loaded with self-respect. Their dealings with women are primarily based on respect and expectations that they be automatically respected with whatever love a woman wants to give them.
- Her respect of who and what he is impresses him more than her confessing her love. He measures her love by her actions much more than her words.
- Expressions of female love can become overbearing when over expressed. It may signal that she is desperate, fearful, depressed, and generally not in charge of her life. She can even be boring with too many ‘I love you’s if his interest in her personally is very low.
- A man prefers to figure out that a woman loves him by her actions to support and depend on him, by her letting him run their relationship habits, by her accepting his leadership/dominant role. Her words are never as impressive as her actions. Whether she loves him at conquest is immaterial; either way is okay so long as she yields.
- It’s man-think. The more she relies on his leadership, the more love she must have for him. Pardon the hyperbole, but her willingness to obey signifies her love. He is primarily interested in her love/obedience at the present moment; he doesn’t worry about how it impacts their future. Now is forever. If she loves him enough to obey now, he owns their future, or so men usually think. The pressure to obey inspires women to learn how to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver men.
- It’s the existence of her love and not the expressions of it that a man depends on. She loves me, so let’s move on. Her expressions of love please her more than him.
9. Given a quiet or concerned moment, she says I love you. It was unnecessary, so why did she say it? What does she expect him to do? What can he do but respond with the same, which is a confirmation that she desires, but he does not understand the need—unless she previously taught him.
As the result of being born differently, on matters of love she is single minded, but he is not. She relies on the use of words to convey her thoughts and what she expects of him. He focuses on actions from which he figures out where he stands and what he can expect from her.
As individuals develop throughout life, they learn to adjust to make all those conditions shown above become more advantageous for themselves. Women learn much more easily than men, because of their relationship expertise to compensate for inborn traits.
Their natures are very different and contrary to the other. Since women are blessed with special abilities for dealing with men, it is up them to relieve, reverse, or overcome the willfulness of both sides to get their own way. Men don’t know where to start; they pretty much fill their roles as described above.
Some mothers raise their children so easily and problem-free, that it must be a piece of cake. Others don’t, can’t, or won’t. The difference starts with toddlers and revolves around two principles.
Toddlers become self-developers as soon as their conscious minds open and they become aware that they too are persons deserving of treatment similar to what others receive. They change direction a little bit shortly thereafter when they discover boys and girls are different and they are one and not the other. They fall quite naturally into their respective sex roles.*
Quite subconsciously to them but visible to mom, they expect to see that others believe as they do. Born with self-love, girls seek evidence that they are loved. Born with self-respect, boys seek evidence that they are respected. They both measure it subconsciously by how they are treated compared to others.
First, they look. They are unaware of why, but they react to being treated differently than they instinctively deserve. Girls expect to be loved equally with others and welcome as part of some group, such as with mom or sisters. Boys expect to be respected fairly. Relative to others, they sense that all are not equal and that individual independence is important.
Second, they earn. Without early recognition that parents and others agree with them, they try to earn the confirmation they seek—girls loved equally, boys respected fairly.
Third they struggle. Failing to earn what they think they deserve, they ‘fight’ back rather than try very hard to earn confirmation of their worth. IOW, if they don’t get what they are born to deserve in their little hearts and minds, they struggle against the status quo. You know and have seen what that means for family quiet, peace, harmony, and mom’s frustration threshold.
It’s all part of self-development. When mom doesn’t go along to meet their ‘demands’, which are subconscious meanderings to see how far they can go or what they can get (self-interest), it can easily make mom sorry, frustrated, unhappy, and lost on what to do next or better. Especially if she’s tied up with something important to her or hubby’s self-interest.)
That’s where two principles come in to make handling children a piece of cake provided mom exploits them with her toddlers. Children need a mature-adult mixture of both principles as they grow up but they impact boys and girls differently.
1) Love comforts. It doesn’t teach except to be easy on oneself.
Comfort confirms a child’s self-image of who, what, and how valuable he is and, consequently, has developed. Also, mom’s applications of love both warm her heart and relieve anxiety in both mom and child.
Girls deserve and need more love than boys. It both confirms a girl’s inborn self-love (she’s worthy of cuddling) and establishes her self-respect (she is as independent as she desires) that is absent at birth.
2) Discipline teaches self-discipline. It doesn’t comfort but breeds self-confidence through achievement.
Discipline’s minor side is to behave in certain ways usually prescribed by social norms, authority, or in our case here, mom. However, the major component is to think in certain ways. Good discipline is not about doing what mom says although that avoids trouble, it’s about doing right and not doing wrong. (Mom won’t always be there to guide.)
Boys deserve and need more discipline than girls. Mom’s discipline is the bedrock of each boy developing his self-discipline, which is vital to the healthy sense of responsibility that adult men need to be mature and successful.
Girls are born with an innate sense of right and wrong. Almost like an inbred moral code, They need far less teaching than boys. Personal discipline is still required for girls, however, to prevent them from over using their ability and strong desire to express and spread love as solution for everything. They need to be disciplined to balance love and discipline when their children come along.
Carrying an undeveloped infant and giving birth endows mothers with a gift no one else possesses. The ability and willingness to forgive her own. It’s a weakness that too easily convinces that love conquers all. When mother depends on it, she aims her children toward immaturity in adulthood, i.e., adultolescents.
Both too much love and too much discipline discourage initiative. The former implies all is well and the child has little responsibility to help himself. The latter teaches that initiative brings on criticism. Too little love has the same end result; the adult looks for comfort from others. Too little discipline makes the child disrespectful of authority. All those conditions render immature adults.
Mature adulthood begins in the third year of life. Mothers are in charge and they have these obligations: to love and to discipline, to comfort and to teach, to confirm value and to prepare toddlers to successfully self-develop themselves.
It amounts to this. Love and discipline go together, comfort and self-discipline go together, well-loved and self-disciplined toddlers are mature beyond their years.
*I purposely avoid speculating about boys that act as girls and vice versa in early childhood. It’s outside the scope of this article.
A threat to a constitutional freedom actually denies that freedom, because political elitists will take advantage to advance their freedom-denying agenda. Thus, denial of one freedom is root for denial of all.
The female nature makes women want to smile. They seek a reason if none is evident. If a woman CAN’T automatically smile in a friendly manner at each of the people she knows, then she lacks self-respect as their equal. She judges who they are before she smiles. If a woman WON’T warmly smile at meeting other people without judging who they are, it means she lacks self-respect as their equal. Regardless of who’s superior or inferior in her thoughts, friendly smiles emanate naturally from self-respect known to be equal to that of others. She’s made that way; self-respect arises out of her natural foundation of self-love.
The subject is anti-political correctness. People resent being told how they must act. They find ways to resist the expectations of people who evidently don’t respect them in the first place.
A predominant majority of people accept and eventually find reasons to conform to laws and social norms when they are free to choose. They satisfy themselves in concert with others whom they trust to be like minded, because of mutual trust to live together amiably and mutual respect to live by their conscience. Think of all the drivers you trust and respect on the road. Unfortunately, cultural norms now shift away from trusting individual to do what’s best for themselves. Whether chicken or egg, political elitists are convinced they know what’s best for you and me, which enables them to tell us all how we should act and feel. Political correctness is the sidewalk version used by those with little or no relationship polish or charm.
A friend asked me to confirm that the absence of love leads to alcoholism. Yes, for women that are not satisfied with the love they receive in childhood. The same cause and effect works for men but regarding respect rather than love. (Incidentally, I know nothing about alcoholism as a disease. I consider addiction to be alcoholism, dependence to cause craving, and habit to be precursor and I speak only to the root causes that motivate people to drink excessively in the first place.)
Strategic Parenting Shapes the Family Environment
Theme: It’s the wife and not the mother that keeps a father in the home.
Whatever children learn well before puberty that makes them feel good about themselves, you can expect to last for life. If they learn and feel good acting as adults albeit immature, they are not nearly as vulnerable to teen peer pressure.
- Organize first. Arrange family thinking around dual roles for each adult. That is, four roles and with this rank structure: husband, wife, mother, father. Each ‘reports’ to the one next left. The most vital role is the wife. Her responsibility is home and family. She catches it from both sides and is the only one capable and therefore most responsible for coordinating family efforts and trying to orchestrate harmony.
- Start with good material. Good father-candidates are identified by their character and willingness to follow this model in the home: Husband bosses wife but mother bosses father. If husband has issues with the kids, he takes it up with his wife and not with the kids themselves. His leadership is most effective when he never imposes it directly except to back up his wife as she does her mothering thing. He stays above the fray of getting children to do what they’re supposed to do and not do. (I know you don’t like “bosses,” but nothing else works in so few words. Two cooks spoil the pie. Two bosses ruin an organization. Wife-mother is in the middle, so let her direct the home orchestrations to achieve harmony. She reports to husband for her performance in raising children, and expects him as father to help and not interfere with her ‘bossing’ them. IOW, husband tells wife what he expects and then as father he enjoys what mother has produced.)
- Recruit a better-than-good man. One who has the patience to accept the reality that mom can’t immediately change a child’s excursions into what or where they shouldn’t go just to please her husband’s expectations. If he frustrates easily over small things, put him back in the parade. He likely will harangue his wife or their mother just because he’s irritated or angry with himself. Red flag.
- Build the family attitude. Base and continually promote respect for each other first as person, then as male/female, then according to their respective roles and responsibilities within the family. Then, follow up the teaching and promoting with heapings of love spread evenly among all members. Without mutual respect first however, mutual love is seldom achieved.
- Moms shouldn’t suffer. Mother has the hardest time earning mutual respect. She earns it easiest and best this way. a) She keeps the children advised that most importantly she’s the wife of and responsible to her husband. It’s easier to earn the respect of others when you live up to someone bigger than yourself. Such as wife up to husband and children up to parents. b) As mother, she’s responsible for the upbringing of her children. c) She has the constant approval of husband as the kids see it. As much as husband displays lack of respect for his wife, it weakens respect of children for mother. (It happens most easily when father sides with the kids against mom. He elevates father over mother and it undercuts his wife, which displays lack of respect and reduces kids’ respect of mother.)
- Disagreement stifles. Effective parents never let the kids see them disagree over decisions about them. Permission to do this or that, for example. The first parent to make a decision, the other backs them. Parents subsequently take it behind closed door to resolve differences. Otherwise, children learn to play one parent against the other, which makes parenting much more difficult.
- The right target beckons. Raise children to be good adults and they will turn out to be average or good children. Raise them aimed at becoming great children and they will turn out to be poor or less-than-average or poor adults.
- The future beckons. Always focused on the future, mothers predominantly shape behaviors by shaping childish thoughts into more mature thoughts. ‘Stop that and learn this’ type of leadership. Parents do best by helping rather than directing a child’s aspirations and ambitions and aiming them toward adulthood instead of some earlier period in life such as adolescence.
- Self-developers emerge. Children develop best when they and peers organize playtime activities. Parental organizing for play interferes with self-development. It demonstrates with action that kids are not trusted even in their own domain of play.
- Guidance tops directness. Focus parental effort on guiding and encouraging kids and less on discipline and punishment. As self-developers, they develop aspirations and ambitions beyond the present. If well respected by parents and siblings, they dream about becoming adults. If not respected that way, they dream about earning self-respect through immature methods such as adolescent lures and behaviors, games and drugs for example. Respect compounded by parental love keeps their aims aligned as parents hope. Parental guidance is most productive by helping bring to fruition dreams for their adult lives.
- Kids make mistakes. They learn quickly from experience. Prevent their making mistakes and over supervise and it slows or discourages their development. Enhance their self-development and you raise good adult-minded kids. Teach and don’t fight against their efforts to play-now-and-get-serious-later, or you raise poorly behaved children. Each child has ways of letting parents know when they over supervised. It’s not over-supervision that is the culprit but the child’s perception and growing conviction of it. Respecting each child as a person provides feedback for parents to determine when appropriate to guide or supervise.
- Don’t become friends. Parents who would first be friends with their children abrogate leadership responsibility. They try to lead without authority they give away by making the child equal as friend, which the child sees as a huge competitive advantage and can’t resist using. When it doesn’t turn out as equal as expected and parent still governs the child’s behavior, the child rebels internally but not so evidently to the parent. The crux is here: The parent is well intentioned, but the child seeks advantages that inspire disingenuousness and even hidden dishonesty. The end result promotes disrespect for the parent that is overlooked because of their good intentions and conviction they are doing right. The child’s behavior out of parent’s sight deteriorates to the opposite that the parent hopes for.
- Life ain’t easy. Don’t make it easy for kids. It teaches them to continually look for the easier way throughout life, and it later shows up harmfully as weak sense of family responsibility.
- Assign responsibility. Match their maturity. Even toddlers should have something to do routinely. Nothing teaches character better than having responsibility and being held accountable. Responsibility assigned to match maturity. Accountability imposed seriously but gently and forgivingly by mom enables kids to learn they like to please her. As they mature it turns into liking to do their duty. First they learn to please mom. Next, they learn that they like to please her. The long range effect is a stronger sense of family responsibility. Finally, boys learn that they please themselves by pleasing mom. Girls learn from being gently and forgivingly held accountable that it works later for raising their children and coaching the man they love.
- Worth repeating. Men thrive on responsibility, and so nothing raises boys into good men any better than an early-developed sense of duty. Don’t expect or teach perfection. Teach stick-to-it-iveness, finish the job. Kids understand completion or finish much, much better than perfection or adult standards or expectations. Respect them enough to let them determine the quality they can produce. Boys start by trying to outfox mom. When they see that inadequate performance doesn’t displease her, through repetition they teach themselves to do better. Think of keeping their room uncluttered or well organized. After awhile they do it well in order to please themselves for pleasing mom. It’s the same process by which they will later love their wives.
- Mothers reward themselves. They routinely express their love and affection to a child they birthed or someone else. She feels better for just having expressed her love. Once the conscious mind opens and a child recognizes he or she is also a person, they can figure things out accurately as they sense it but immaturely for others. By mom showing trust as more important than her love, her child is more easily convinced of mom’s love. IOW, without respect mostly in the form of trust, even showers of abundant love can be unimpressive and unconvincing.
Strategically, the home environment is a complicated place. It’s run more by subconscious habits than conscious thought. Shaping and arranging personal habits to produce a harmonized setting for a good family is primarily the work of woman.
Men sense it to be true but low self-esteem, self-image, or both often cause husbands to interfere, which sends loud messages that wife is not respected, which means not truly loved. Also uninformed about making organizations function well, such men take literally the practice of submission and use dominance to interfere with woman’s work of raising children to become good adults.
Wife responds by fighting back to defend, protect, or win her way of doing things. It triggers disrespect from husband, wife responds with her own version of disrespect, and the war begins.
As children view it, their future turns bleak. Even they can guess groundwork being laid for parental separation. Instinctively they sense but probably don’t recognize that repeated disrespect foretells the likely death and prevention of restoring love.
Editorial comment is next at 2330 and Tactical Parenting: Guidance and Encouragement follows at 2331.
Sir Eric at 2250 triggered this article. He said, “Before there was No-Fault Divorce, the wife’s behavior would have been legal grounds for a divorce, and now their husbands praise the same behavior!”
I quote from Wikipedia, “The earliest precedent in no-fault divorce laws was originally enacted in Russia shortly after the Bolshevik Revolution. …The purpose of the Soviet no-fault divorce laws was ideological, intended to revolutionize [transform?] society at every level. … California was the first U.S. state to adopt what are now called “no-fault” divorces in the United States in 1969.”
I hope to show that the damage to family stability and need of no-fault is caused by lack of mutual respect, in slight decline before no-fault but precipitously so ever since.
Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs progress, compete with other men to enable progress, and shape and control human events. To the male mind, women aren’t part of that competitive world, just supporters, witnesses, or interferers.
The male competitive nature prevents men from respecting other men until they earn it by accomplishments that symbolize their significance in the male world. Significance, for example, in personal associations, professions, workplaces, fathering, sports, home. IOW, by value-added indications of accomplishments and personal significance, men earn the respect of other men; they earn mutual masculine respect by doing.
Women also have to earn masculine respect. Not in terms of individual significance for doing things, however, but by making themselves of significant value to supporting a man’s ambitions. Some mixture of success as female achiever and ambition-aiding significance—in competition with other women—earns the respect of men.
It enables each man to find, evaluate, and mate with the most respectful after evaluating the most respectable in his own judgment. Yes, selecting a mate begins with his respect of her before love ever invades his heart. (Selecting her based on respect also helps husband this way; how well wife is respected by other men adds to both his self-respect and respect of men.)
Thus, a man’s respect of men revolves around accomplishments that kind of generate a pecking order that varies and guides men through each competitive event and day. A man’s respect of a woman depends on her ability to accomplish significant things of lasting interest to him.
A woman’s respect of a man emerges differently. She loves first and learns to respect later. His accomplishments are not the root of her respect. It accumulates from his success helping her confirm her sense of self-importance as person, woman, mother, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, bride, companion, and the other roles she fills in their life together.
Now watch this ladies and tell me if I’m wrong. She respects him as the result of her making him important in her life. To the extent he doesn’t fit well in her plans for shaping their relationship, she doesn’t respect him. IOW, for the most part, if their relationship sours, it’s his fault and he doesn’t deserve for her to respect him.
Therein lays one root of early divorce. He respects and loves her. His habits and faults hit her wrongly, don’t meet her expectations. She tries to change him and he resists. She becomes frustrated, which makes her feel incompetent, which makes her feel unimportant in his life, which stimulates her to not show respect for him, which he sees as reason to depart if she hasn’t already filed for a no-fault.
Consequently, mutual respect depends on wife finding and keeping respect for husband and not letting his behavior diminish her appreciation for their relationship.
Perception is reality in such cases; whatever appears to be, is. Immature women and those who lack patience judge their man too quickly as not respectable enough. They act accordingly, hubby detects it as ingratitude, her likeability begins to fade and his love to weaken. All of which kills mutual respect.
Women expect her and his love and men expect mutual loyalty and likeability to hold their relationship together. The common denominator, however, is respect. And unless it grows into mutual respect, the no-fault is not far behind.