2261. Compatibility Axioms #851-860

851. Most women have two options: give of herself as a helpmate, or live life alone, lonesome, and often desperate. Young women claim it’s b…s…, but they’ve not aged yet either. [288]

852. Feminism promotes raising the self-worth of women at the expense of men. This signals women to be inferior. It requires a superior gender in constant combat to keep male dominance from reducing them to slaves. [289]

853. Were women not the superior gender, they would not have been able to overcome male dominance over the millennia and civilize men away from their combative nature, tame men into monogamous marriage, and harness men to brighten the future for women and children. Along the way wives raise and civilize the next generation to be more productive and peaceful than the last, promote spreading wealth among others to ease female burdens,* and generate self-happiness out of virtually nothing. (*Pressure husbands to consider the needs of others.)

854. Feminism promotes an ideology that women believe. What people believe, they live, whether to their advantage or not. [289]

855. Every woman’s belief system determines whether she succeeds living with a man. If men are no good, she will see her man turn that way sooner or later. (Pygmalion Effect) [289]

856. Every man’s belief system determines how he will deal with women and live with one woman. If he expects to have troubles, he will. (Pygmalion Effect) [289]

857. Feminism blames men for female problems, which energizes the blame finger in men. Fair and square dealing with the opposite sex fades as common practice. [289]

858. Under- or un-appreciated as men, males act irresponsibly to female interests. Finger-pointing and blame make shortcomings spread infectiously across both genders.  [289]

859. Male dominance has little or no natural incentive to build up or promote the opposite sex. But female intuition and relationship expertise invent incentives. Feminism kills that natural female advantage.  [289]

860. Women look for love in all the wrong places. His love never blossoms or seldom lasts, when she rates his showing affection ahead of her showing respect, his fashion-plate image ahead of his rugged individualism, his hunkiness ahead of his character. [291]

2174. Dating in Mid-life — Part B6: Chaste vs. the Adultolescent

If a man indulges in a “side dish” while dating a woman to whom he has not pledged his exclusivity, what does it say about his character? Is he worthy of respect, and does he have the potential to be Mr. GoodEnough?

If a man is after a woman rather than just chasing her for sex, her insistence on chasteness works in dating and courtship. Some men, however, are unable to satisfy the expectations of women for physical fidelity during the dating/pre-courtship stage. They can’t remain loyal enough while a relationship develops, and they find ‘side dish’ (or two, or even three) for interim enjoyment. A reasonable but ultimately unsatisfying alibi exists, with roots that extend back to his childhood.

As an example, it happened to Her Highness Tooconfused. Nearing a year into a satisfying courtship and following the guidelines described on this blog, she discovered that he was wandering on her. Regular contact slowed and then stopped for a week. He returned without explanation. As she says, “He had been busy chasing and bedding a friend of a friend (small world heard it through the grapevine). Did they end up dating? No. The ’side dish’ was a once or twice night stand for him.” Judging him as insufficiently loyal, Tooconfused broke off. He kept trying to come back, but she declined without explanation.

What follows is mere speculation about her man. But, I describe an upbringing that will produce an adult male who thinks her man’s kind of dating behavior is normal.

This man appears to be an ‘adultolescent’. That is, physical adult and mental adolescent. He grew up without learning to be a mature adult. Parents are usually blamed, but it’s not the whole story.

First, children do not primarily shape their values, standards, and expectations from the examples set by parents. Absorption is only partial and can be very small when not exposed to parental care that includes these qualities that are admirable among boys: respect for the child as a person albeit a little one; respect for him as self-developer looking for ways to satisfy his self-interest; nurturing that satisfies but is appreciated only for real hurts; and leadership handling that the boy dislikes in the short-run, learns to admire before puberty, and then appreciates when delivered in coaching form during the teen years.

Children are self-developers. They learn and absorb what they want to. They follow their self-interest as far as adults permit. And they develop from what they learn and absorb, which usually comes mostly from other children, and some or many may be older. You can see it begin in three-year olds; they more easily pay attention to and associate more comfortably with children than adults. Consequently, kids are primarily the personality products of who they grew up with other than adults. (Old school moms knew it intuitively and restricted associating with certain kids. ♫ I remember it well. ♫)

Second, parents apply growing-up pressures but often the wrong kind. Parents, especially adultolescents themselves, often reinforce immature peer pressures. Tooconfused’s man likely experienced an upbringing similar to the following.

• His parents may raise him to be a good or great child, rather than a prospective adult. They focus on how he performs and appears to others in fun and games, sports, grades, popularity, self-esteem, and childhood likeability rather than guiding his motivational urges toward adulthood. The difference in pressures that parents apply (outperform a cousin or the kid next door in sports, grades, popularity) and expectations he should meet (make mom and dad proud, make an all-star team) make parental life more involved and beneficial for parents and seemingly a more enjoyable upbringing for him. A good child reflects well on parents.
• Or, his parents may ignore guiding his self-development so that he absorbs the values, standards, and expectations from TV idolatry, celebrity worship, and children with whom he associates. If neglected, parents may wonder but don’t much care that immature values govern his life.
• Either way, his standards and expectations are shaped by trying to live more for the moment and less for the future. It reinforces the males’ primal urge to focus on the present and let the future come as it will. Live to think and act as a child rather than try to learn, absorb, and emulate more mature values and adult-like expectations, such as better planning for his future.
• Raised to focus on short-range thinking rather than practice for long-range achieving, he enters puberty with no more guidance or parental expectation than to continue as a good kid. Perhaps he was indulged and spoiled, perhaps not. For the most part, the responsibilities up to which he is expected to step leave exceed his abilities. His sense of responsibility is too weak or short to prepare very well for his future. The present remains too simple or enjoyable to think of how to improve the prospects for adulthood. He can continue as he does now. He can handle it, or so he’s been conditioned to think.
• He enters adolescence unprepared to exit as a mature adult. Too little assignment of responsibility that over time strengthens his sense of duty (making his bed, cleaning his room, helping mom without her asking). Too little reaching out for adult-like achievements. Too little stimulation of adult ambitions. Too little success achieving long-range goals. Too much enjoyment of teen fun and games. Too little self-discipline. Too little earned self-respect. Too many self-imposed pressures that push toward immediate rather than deferred gratification. Too much time spent learning to bend female thoughts to his will. Too much time studying how to convince girls to uncrossed their legs. Too much time spent indulging the irresistible attractions among females. All of that morphed into his normal behavior.
• The adolescent focus just doesn’t aim at affirmatively learning how to be a responsible adult. It remains focused on immature behaviors and lessons learned that work well and improve popularity among peers. Thus, he passes through the emotional turmoil of puberty only to adopt beliefs based on peer associations and immature values and expectations. He confirms his childhood preparation and superiority as more desirable than parental hopes and dreams for his adolescence.
• His early childhood prompted by the desire for him to be a good child left him with less than a full bag of adult values and beliefs, which was exacerbated by teen-peer influence focusing typically on excitement, adventurism, activism, and today’s sexual freedom. After age 21, he has little or no internal guidance except from childhood values and beliefs reinforced by mounting immaturity among his associates. (Leadership by example, even poor influence by peer associates, is always the most effective.)
• Mature adult values not inculcated before puberty leave a vacuum to be filled by teen peers. His belief system finishes filling up with the only values he’s willing to accept, those more like his own. He seeks and associates with peers who think and act as he does.
• Values and beliefs embedded before puberty last for life if reinforced in adolescence. In his case, beliefs based on values about being a good—but turns out to be irresponsible—child leave him handicapped with women. Unless adultolescent themselves, women expect to associate with men mature enough to be husbandly responsible and fatherly dependable.

In the end, both parents and peers shape the personalities of kids. Parents lay the groundwork, and once lain, peers influence heavily the shape the personality takes. Actually, peers by a wide margin predominate in the process. In the case above, his presence in the adult world is physical, but his heart and mind remain habitually influenced by teenage thinking and habits. Having a ‘side dish’ now and then is perfectly normal for his deeply embedded adolescent-minded values and beliefs.

The dish of chaste loyalty that Tooconfused served up, which required both delayed expectation and gratification, was not as appealing to him as the temptation of a ready-made side dish. After all, how important is loyalty to adolescents? She was mature; he was not. She was ready to exchange mutual loyalty; he couldn’t meet her expectations for very long.

Could he ever become devoted to one woman? Could he qualify as Mr. GoodEnough? That’s another story waiting to be told by the woman who tames such a man sufficiently well that he wants her more than any other. Tough, but it can be done. A few women are that determined, patient, hard-headed, and soft-hearted. I’ve made my best effort to explain what she faces.

P.S. You’re blessed today. Her Highness Cinnamon worked extensively to make this article more easily readable. I’m responsible, however, if you find fault with content. Guy

 

2170. Chivalry — Wherefore Art Thou?

We need to teach children there is no shame in acting chivalrous, and no shame in girls welcoming and appreciating a chivalrous boy. Why wouldn’t a girl or woman, for example, love and appreciate that her male friend or potential suitor fixed a flat bicycle tire for her?

Parents should teach sons to NEVER stop acting chivalrous, no matter how many figurative slaps to the face they receive. Teach each boy to never stop trying to be the one who is first to help the damsel in distress, first to pay a compliment about a girl’s appearance, first to open a door for her, first to brave up to bullies on her behalf, first to put down boys that demean her, and first to ignore the taunts of boys for paying chivalrous tribute to girls.

And parents should teach little girls to pleasantly accept kindness every time it comes their way. It’s a blessing when males extend the chivalrous hand of help or friendliness that lacks sexual overtures. It doesn’t need to happen; males have other things to do, other and easier ways to earn self-admiration and respect. OTOH, the chivalrous boy CHOOSES to give unconditionally and make something come out to some female’s favor. Just the attitude of chivalry in the hearts of boys is sufficient to uplift the worthiness of females after both pass into adulthood.

As one of the most important character traits, parents should teach that no shame attaches to chivalry, even if and when females denigrate offers or the deliverer of help. It happens because of unwillingness in the modern pop culture to accept being called the weaker sex. Yet, accepting that pretense produces guys putting themselves at the disposal of women. However momentarily it may be, a chivalrous act confirms unconditional respect, unconditional willingness to please, and eagerness to earn female favor. It may be duty to him, but he acknowledges with action her self-worth in his world. It’s the beginning of mutual respect.

Our present-day pop culture continues to become more unfriendly for females.  It’s a small factor, but disclaiming being the weaker sex fuels the female ego contrary to the best interest of women and the natural propensity of men to win their favor. Yet, feminists and their followers continue to demean men and boys, which causes other women to miss the good old days of chivalry that so boldly confirms females as important.

Women feel awkward when faced with chivalry. They have little confidence. Some think they don’t deserve it, others wonder how they can adequately express their gratitude.

A ‘thank you’ is fine but it means little to men. Words just aren’t that meaningful to men; actions are. Women should provide more encouragement; they can reach a man’s heart with an action statement of admiration. Such as, ‘Men are never more handsome than when they please a lady.’ Or, ‘Wow, who taught you to be such a pleasant gentleman’? Or, ‘I measure a person by their deeds, and you make your deeds special.’ Note that each statement praises indirectly; nothing direct enough to be taken as a hit even so much as ‘You’re likeable.’

He’s admired and that makes her gratitude meaningful to men. Such admiring remarks are significant. But at least some acknowledgement must be paid by women. No recognition of chivalrous action shames the woman as ungrateful.

If we ever restore chivalry to society, women have to do it starting with boys and girls and blending it in over future generations. It’s amazing how the principles and practices of chivalry please both sexes with the other.

Tomorrow we return to dating in mid-life.

 

2155 — Compatibility Axioms #691-700

691. Whatever embarrasses a woman reveals her heart-felt and unchanging modest nature. When she tries to overcome or ignore it for a man, she misses earning his respect, which enlarges his dominion over her.  [237]

692. Female modesty rigidly enforced is the strongest natural counterbalance to male domination. She wins as a person entitled to equal respect by defending her modest nature competitively with other persons also due respect even with their immodesty. [237]

693. The second strongest counterbalance is a woman’s self-respect and determination to stand up for herself, her dignity, her claims for the proper alignment of things in her life. She wins a man’s respect by defending her values, standards, and expectations competitively as a woman standing up for herself and making him take the back seat to her character.

694. The third strongest counterbalance is a woman’s actions that prove her loyalty to, respect of, and dependence on a man. All displayed with an attitude of gratitude for who he is and what he does. Thus, she wins indirect influence by not competing over who has the dominant role. [237]

695. Her lack of values, standards, and expectations means that she follows her man’s. The lower his are, the more that testosterone and male dominance direct his life. It makes their life together ever harder for her to upgrade. [237]

696. She comes across as respectable, courageous, and strong—and maybe and unfortunately disposable—when she repeatedly has the strength to say ‘No’ to conquest. [237]

697. (This is one of my favorites.) As one woman claimed, Femininity adds color to a man’s black and white world. (Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, 2003, PAX Programs, Inc. Sherman Oaks, CA , p.151) [244]

698. She makes her single self worthy of a man and thus becomes seller instead of buyer. This clicks her for the recycle bin, although he may not dump her until later.  [244]

699. By conqueror’s right he takes control of their sexual agenda. She needs to own it until marriage, because it lays firm groundwork for counterbalancing his dominance after marriage. [244]

700. Men separate sex from the gal. It’s natural because the urge to conquer obscures the person behind the sex target. She only has to be known well enough to convince her into bed. Women let men get by with it by not requiring a well-developed and deeper relationship before yielding. [244]

P.S. The series on dating in mid-life is still in preparation. Coming soon to a screen near you.

 

2150. Pinkie Finger Recovery

Ladies, this is just a test drive of an idea. I need feedback. I have many reasons that I think will support using the suggested technique but it will take me days to write, proof, and publish them. However, before I do that, I want to hear your reactions to how easily the actions proposed could fit into your persona and relationship.

Immature women seek to have things go their way and are not too quiet about it. They find fault, seek redress, and care not a whit for the reaction of their man. They live by criticism and expectations for him but with little or no expectations that they themselves can or should change themselves.

OTOH, mature relationship experts know better. They master the art of indirectness, and I’ve just developed a new technique. For reasons I’ll explain later, I suggest women adopt this practice.

Gently, patiently, and as indirectly as possible teach your man that you will silently flash your pinkie finger at him whenever he displeases or disrespect you. No words, no complaining, no explaining, just a wave of the pinkie. He is free to do whatever he pleases about it.

Then, when appropriate, flash the pinkie as your way of saying that you have been made to feel bad. If he displeases you, look him in the eye and smile—just friendly as it can’t be very sincere—as you flash it. If he shows disrespect, look him in the eye but don’t smile. Flash your pinkie and always change the subject or go on about your business of the moment and let him do the same.

Develop the technique into a habit. Four cautions: 1) Use it ONLY when he displeases you or disrespects you as person, woman, wife, mother, or other legitimate role you live in your home. 2) If you start having success with him trying harder not to make you feel bad, then don’t get too ambitious and critical and flash it for other reasons. Stay on the targets of displease and disrespect. Keep your wits and good judgment about you. 3) Don’t flash it angrily as in flipping the bird. Just a friendly wave works best to stir his curiosity, which fires his memory to figure out what he did, and—hopefully—ignites his imagination to figure out how to compensate or do better the next time. 4) When he pumps you to find out what he did wrong, do your best to remain silent with a smile as if to say you’re confident that he can figure it out. (Note: If he can pull the reason out of you, he has an easier time of figuring it out. Men believe and act on what they figure out for themselves, and so your complaints and explanations weaken his reaction. It’s not really what you want.)

Consider it, think on it, or if you have the courage try it a few times. Then, critique it in your mind and send me your response. I have no problem if it’s a bad idea. I’ve had hundreds and perhaps thousands in my time. So please feel free to tell me what you think.

For mental exercise on your end, try to figure out why it should, does, won’t, or doesn’t work. What are the beneficial reasons and the objections? Such feedback will help my refinement of the reasons for a new technique that puts a woman more in charge of her life.

 

2147. Three Little Words: How They Work

Those three little words are overrated. Oh, I don’t suggest they not be used. I suggest that due diligence be paid to the likely impact they have on the sexes, because they register differently both in delivery and reception.

A man’s words impact his mind but don’t program his heart. A woman’s words program both mind and heart. Her “I love you” leads her to also act it out, which reinforces that she does love him. It doubles the dosage of obligating her to him, because her heart and mind are much more closely interconnected than those of males.

Men are quite different in how they hear three little and other words. He hears them, but they don’t register deeply within him; they do little to impress him. His ears are not the sensitive and believable sensors that hers are. If her loving actions accompany or follow her words, then he can begin to believe her love. Men believe what they see and figure out; they don’t believe what they are told until they see evidence of actions that support and reinforce.

On the delivering end, a man says, “I love you.” It isn’t the same obligation that her words carry, because unlike women his words don’t program his heart. Unless his words originate with his heart as the result of his having acted over time as if he loves her, his words mean little although they may carry intent. (But what’s that old saying about the road to hell is paved with good intentions?)

That’s why commitment promised by men ends up disappointing women who act on a man’s words. Commitment primarily serves men, because in matters of love their words are relatively cheap while women value them the same way that women value their own words.

Manly devotion serves women, but it requires time, his actions, and her patience for a man to program his heart with actions that please him for pleasing her and that end up favoring her above all others. Her femininity, uniqueness, and patience keep him interested long enough for him to find virtues that accumulate into fascination and to whom he devotes his interest above all else. Then a man loves her (as women wish they would from the get go).

To men, words are for the purpose of getting what they want. They are hunter-conquerors and competitors. Words are their weapons when physicality is inappropriate; when might can’t make right; and when faced with feminine mystique, female modesty, and appealing vanity that they can’t comprehend much less understand well enough to compete for fear of losing.

In other words, the immovable objects of the dominant sex can be moved by the irresistible force of the superior sex when women pay less attention to masculine words, exploit their feminine nature, and induce men into figuring them out rather than the reverse.

 

2144. Your Men Like That?

Ladies, are the boys and men in your life, past and present, like they claim of themselves as listed in Manly Claims from Birth? It’s shown near blog top on home page. What women haven’t heard yet needs to be disclosed as accurately and completely as possible.

The WWNH blog audience craves to know. Can women ever really understand men? After all, the better that women understand men, the easier for men to accept only what relationship experts want to disclose about themselves as females.

‘B’ means believable if you agree. ‘U’ means unbelievable if you don’t agree. I hope you can find the time to comment by any or all of the numbers. Each response is both invitation and incentive to clarify accuracy and find more truths.

Guy

 

2138. Compatibility Axioms #631-640

631. Attractive but no-disclosure apparel makes men uncomfortable, because it makes women much more complex, mysterious, and perhaps out-of-reach sexually. Hence, more challenging and requiring more investment of his time and effort. [220]

632. Cleavage signals her breasts as mere stopover to conquest. With prospects made easier, his expectations rise. His natural sense of dominance doesn’t have to yield as his investment for sex. IOW, cleavage signals she’s willing for him to take charge of their sexual agenda even before conquest. He only has to pay some simple price that pleases her. [220]

633. Men dislike having their boldness held in check by a mere woman, especially when she makes it tougher with a façade of impenetrable mystery created with clothing, grooming, and lack of eagerness to bond. However, having to restrain their boldness makes men more gentlemanly and willing to paying a bigger price for conquest. [220]

634. Cleavage makes a man comfortable, “So little to do.” Modest attire makes a man uncomfortable, “How and what must I do to have my way with her.” [220]

635. First impressions are lasting ones. First dates plant the seeds of everything from no calls to marriage. Women have to take charge to make sure they gain the advantage. [221]

636. Both sexes tend to marry people like their mothers. But women take it too far. They mother their man and wilt on the vine of his resentment.  [221]

637. If she’s after fun and excitement on first date, she’s planting seeds for anything and everything except permanent marriage. [221]

638. Trying ever harder to succeed with men, females turn sex into adventurism and free-brothel convenience for males. Booty calls, public fellatio, and groupies come to mind.  [221]

639. Men hang with guys but date women. When women turn themselves into booty, men let them hang out too. (One Duke University senior claimed she never had a date in college and knew no one that had. Plenty of sex, but no dates? Man’s game or woman’s?)  [221]

640. NOTE: To see what women become hanging out with guys, read Ariel Levy’s book, Female Chauvinist Pigs — Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. [221]