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2605. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 14


Still enroute home after proposing to Jenny in the restaurant, Hank continues to reminisce. Three big quirks generated immense and unusual excitement in their courtship.

First, she disclosed her lifelong commitment to abstinence for no other reason than to satisfy herself with a significant achievement. Not the abstinence but the reason for it surprised him; it is more masculine than female motivation, but then her father in childhood inspired her to pursue a big goal.

Second, he decided to marry her and presented his intentions of how to make it work. Starting with methods for handling eight pressures that arise in most marriages, he finished with his plan to supervise and make their marriage work for sixty years. He made as the foundation his intention to cherish her all that time and elevate their marriage to a status above both of them.

Third and most shocking of all, he now faces Jenny’s promise to express her expectations on the subject of lover and lovee, presumably to teach him how to love her. Sounds exciting but does he want to hear it?

He can wait, in no hurry. His curiosity and imagination compete to advise him what to expect, but neither has a comforting thought. What does he know, and when did she know it? What does her agenda look like? Will she expect him to change in some way? Change to what? He knows all he needs to know. So, more about what? Of course, he’s a good lover. He’s had no complaints. He knows exactly what to do. Put it in and drive it home. He loves it so much she can’t not love it.

Jenny fantasized for three days. No dates, no calls. He’s waiting on her, and she wants him anxious to learn. He needs time to consider so that his ears will open to what she has to say.

Jenny never heard of doing such a thing, never contemplated it until she heard how committed Hank is about them marrying. She will gamble. After marriage, there’s no way she can get by trying so directly to coach him into becoming a better lover. He would be certain to take immense offense at even the hint that he could be less than great or perhaps perfect.

Both anecdotes and experience tell her that men are more sensitive about their sexual prowess than anything else, and accusers make themselves disposable. Men brag to each other about their scores from which prowess is presumed. Women, however, know the truth but are much too cautious to disclose what they think. In fact, they say virtually nothing; any comment comes out as criticism or condemnation to a man. Women usually want to keep their man.

Jenny plots her game plan. All new and totally foreign for her to be doing such  plotting in the first place and on a forbidden subject for wives in the second place. Confident that she and Hank have won each other, however, she continues to plan her message.

As he did before, she expects to write out her ‘position paper’ and make it more conversational as she reads it. They meet and she delivers.

“Hank, my dearest friend. We must talk, rather I must talk. You men don’t know jack about the women with whom you lay. Women—in the way you love them—are mere objects to unload your passion. It has probably always been so.

“Men are not to blame; they are just ignorant and women go unfulfilled too much and too often. I figure you and I can be different, if you know more about me and my expectations than you know at present.

“What I say is aimed at all men. You just happen to be the closest and gifted enough to hear a woman’s version of how sex should satisfy rather than frustrate a wife. A husband owes his wife more than poke, come, and go. Knowing you, I’m sure you understand it. But so many men don’t—or so friends, relatives, and associates admit.

“I explain the woman’s dilemma. We cannot convey our frustrations without offending our man. We are due more honor in the bed we make with them, and I shall hopefully make with you.

“Education, not information, overcomes ignorance. Women are in no position to educate men about making love. We try to inform, yes. When we try, they take offense and drop the gal who suggests their masculine talents are less than perfect in technique and terrific in achievement. An impenetrable wall surrounds the male ego about sexual aptitude, attitude, and competence. Few things are guarded with more religious fervor.

“I hope to give you a peek over that wall. Not because you need it, but because I want the wall lowered enough so I can converse more freely with my husband about making love.

“Here are some basics of how women view sexual relations.

  • “Warmup is critical to a woman’s sexual enjoyment; the root of any pleasure begins with it. Foreplay brings her whole body into the action that follows. Bare skin touching and caressing is vital, and extended stimulation of her erogenous zones can complete the warmup. The better she is warmed up, the better is her response to him in action. So, if he thinks he’s good and expects to confirm it with the final results, he owes her an extended warmup until she says she’s ready.
  • “Contrary to man-think, earning his orgasm does not satisfy her. Pleasure? Perhaps! Maybe sure! But it’s the weakest way to prove himself. Fornication does not make a good lover. She makes him a good lover, when she is properly prepared and rewarded with intimacy at the end.
  • “Emotional conflict exists when intercourse begins. He’s driven to drive home his weapon. She wants gentle handling. His nature inspires hard penetration, and so it’s a price women are accustomed to paying. His gentle caressing and holding elsewhere helps her adapt to the courser side of his style.
  • “She needs a multi-function cool-down after they finish intercourse. Oh, not from body heat but from her excited internals that need a calming effect that comes from the comfort of his holding her with snuggling and more bare skin touching and caressing. It provides and she needs a lengthy interlude of intimacy to fortify and confirm her importance. If sex doesn’t make her feel important afterward, he didn’t do it right. His holding and enabling her to snuggle close confirms that she did the right and important thing for him. So, he owes her satisfying intimacy as reward for being a good receptacle for his intensity.

“As you can see, Hank, women are people too. When we make love, we also go all the way. Provided, that is, our man knows how to lift and gently escort us all the way through the three arches of pleasure: warmup joy, intercourse kindness, and satisfying intimacy.

“Hank expects to be flabbergasted, but he isn’t. No big deal. He thinks; I didn’t know all that but, heck, I could have figured it out sometime. Just my receptacle? That hurt. That’s not me. She makes a good case for her sisters, but I don’t know how it will ever get to other men. It’s not that complicated, but the gal has to become the most important person in the process; if the guy hopes to claim, accurately, to be a good lover.

“Jenny smiles while Hank contemplates how to respond. His silence sparks her inquiry.

“Well, honey, is our marriage talk ended? Are we finished? Remember, none of it was aimed at you but presented to educate rather than just inform. Also, this was a traumatic undertaking for me. I did it once. Never again. The subject is not for discussion unless you question me for more details sometime in our wedded future.”

Hank rises, sits beside with his arm around her. “Heck, I know all that. It makes sense and fits what I’ve known for a long time. Probably a few details slightly different, but I always intended to do those things as best I could. I figured experience together would make everything come out at least good or maybe better. I’m mostly concerned with the when, where, and how of getting started.”

Jenny starts crying, hugs him, feels relieved she has done well. Then she stops. They kiss, promise eternal togetherness, and depart for beer and burgers.

Over food, Jenny smiles in his eyes. “I can hardly wait for our warmup, your shining presence in me, and my reward of intimacy.”

Hank’s eyes sparkle with moisture, “Let’s get married sooner.”

Hank rethinks his plan to present her ring. I can do it tomorrow night at our favorite restaurant. Will it be romantic enough? Well, I will make it so.

Recovering from the fantasy flavor of what she has just done, Jenny calls her mother. “Change of plans, mom, we’re doing it sooner and….”

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2374. Advisory for Men #08


71. Even though you don’t appreciate unearned gifts, women do. Actually they expect them frequently as reminders of their importance to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness when it comes to pleasing a woman. When she’s down, she needs some sort of recognition of her importance THEN. And nothing works better than you reinforcing her importance to YOU.

72. You always do or try to do your best and don’t deserve blame except on the matter of breaking marriage vows. You’re a very admirable character reflective of a good man. Be grateful for whoever taught you that valuable trait.

73. The prettier she makes herself, the more she likes herself, which frees her to focus on your interests more than her own.

74. Remind yourself frequently that a woman needs opportunity and it seems to be an endless time to groom and primp. Every female is born knowing that she’s pretty. It’s the foundation of her personality, and must be preserved at all costs. She does it for herself but you benefit.

75. Women desire mindful lovemaking when her man uses his big head to outweigh his little head. It brings out more deliberate care for her than just plain old ordinary little head sex. It consists of gentle holding, caressing, venturesome touching of erogenous zones, no impatience, lengthy foreplay, and intimate after-play. Intercourse is far more important to you than her except with intent to create a baby. All that is her conviction; everyone knows you have a more urgent need echoing from little-head love-making.

76. Gentlemen, I worked indirectly under Ross Perot’s leadership and his motto was “Up front, blunt, and candid.” So I close this series on that vein.

Men are not the lovers they presume. Sticking Willie where he ought to go isn’t love-making in the female world. Love-making to women is gentleness more than poking, purposeful slowness more than quick fumbling, intimacy more than orgasms. So, what is intimacy?

Great love-making depends on one thing. The longer she spends caught up, growing excited, and ‘vibrating’ vulnerably in the emotional uplift between initial physical contact and climax, the greater is the love-making.

The true and intimate value of love-making is her highly charged up process of getting to the end, namely orgasm. The time spent between his stimulation and her climax is her primary expectation for sex, the intimacy she craves. IOW, being deeply aroused, staying, and dragging it out before (each) climax is the ultimate intimacy and her primary incentive for sex in the first place. Not orgasms nearly as much as continuous arousal.

That applies to foreplay and intercourse. After-play is more important than intercourse to her. Intimacy afterward means a different arousal. It’s a confirming spirit that comes from closeness, holding, caressing, snuggling and similar lingering actions that leave her with an aroused sense of how important she has just proven herself to be to her man.

Leaving her without such confirmation reveals masculine inadequacy. It may reveal that her man/lover is more grabber and jerker than considerate, more adolescent-minded than mature, more boy than man, or more talker than lover. He doesn’t truly know the woman he just poked, and he’s not nearly the man or lover he imagines himself to be.

But women are smart; they keep such opinions to themselves. They prefer to have a poor lover than do without a man who is better for many other things that are more important to a woman’s life. Sex to her is just duty—perhaps enjoyable, perhaps not—until someone provides the intimacy she craves.

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2153. Compatibility Axioms #671-680


671. A man’s natural pursuit of other females does not stop until one woman so captures his respect and captivates his imagination that he devotes himself to her alone. [234]

672. It’s a boob paradox. Women publicly appeal directly to the sexual interests of men. They capture men for sex, but they can’t hold one for long after infatuation, romantic love, and lust fade in a year or two. [234]

673. Men call it romance, whatever is required to initiate foreplay or sex. Women know romance as the special attention he pays her when sex is not at stake. [234]

674. She marries expecting him to change, but he doesn’t. He marries expecting her not to change, but she does. Both get what they don’t want. [234]

675. Erotic attire has one-person value: It puts the male mind on track to conquer or to show her off. Neither track is about her true self. [235]

676. After nakedness and conquest, there’s little left. Her ad campaign dies with conquest, as it kills his imagination except for future arousal. (Conquest is the man’s end-game. Booty sustains him between conquests.) [235]

677. Dating as a sex object plants the seed of booty for him but maybe only something better for her. [235]

678. Men want to move toward conquest at their pace. More mystery, modesty, and doubt about scoring slow it to her pace. [235]

679. Suggestive attire is more effective than erotic attire at energizing the imaginative side of the male mind. (The more he has to imagine, think, plot, and worry, the better for her.) [235]

680. The appeal of boobs lies in the challenge to get to them. Once uncovered, conquest is assured. [235]

 

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2099. Compatibility Axioms #541-550


541. Females are born hard-headed and soft-hearted. Males are born hard-headed and hard-hearted. Her hard-headedness captures a man. Her soft-heartedness holds him. [199]

542. Romance to males means foreplay or prelude to it. Women define romance as what precedes foreplay. [199]

543. Women can enjoy masculine-style sexual freedom, but they eventually lose playing that man’s game. (Losing defined as inability to keep a man for life.) [199]

544. Commitment made before conquest fades or dies afterward, whereas a man’s devotion may dip a little after conquest but it returns. [200]

545. Everything looks and tastes better when you’re grateful. Finding reasons to be grateful for yourself and others simply brightens life. [200]

546. Selfishness interferes with gratitude, the absence of which causes unhappiness. [200]

547. A man’s devotion depends on his respect for a woman, which mostly floats on her wavy ocean of self-respect, exceptionalness as a female, feminine virtue, unique qualities, and likeability as potential mate. [200]

548. A man’s enduring love is built upon his respect for women generally and respect and likeability of one in particular. Need for her intensifies his devotion. [200]

549. After conquest a woman ceases to be a challenge, because a man’s most pressing goal has been accomplished. He moves on to his current mission in life, whether she’s his keeper or a dumpee. [200]

550. Modest attire sends the message she’s interested in long-term relationships. Immodest attire signals she’s interested in a man, period. [200]

 

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2055. Romance — His Side of the Story


Romance to women is payday for living graciously important lives on behalf of their man. Romance to men is pre-conquest attention and what leads up to and includes foreplay. The gap is huge and requires relationship experts to close it. Although not instinctive to men, women can make it intuitive to them.

Not needful of romance, men don’t easily comprehend the criticality of it in their lives. Even worse, they have great difficulty making sense of it. Thus, men routinely leave women adrift in a sea of puzzlement, anxiety, and doubt about the worthiness of their man.

So, in reality, the male’s shortcoming about romance brings out each woman’s need to improve her man, which is the same as putting the hook of marriage in her mouth. As a man shines brightly as marital candidate, his shortcoming as a romancer makes him even more eligible. She invites herself to change him after the altar. Tsk Tsk! Far better to teach him before conquest.

Men are not eager to participate in romance. They take or find various exceptions:

  • Men suspect they should but can’t master the art sufficiently well to meet female expectations. They can see that certain things make their woman feel romanced. They pick up bits and pieces of the art from other women. But they also pick up the lack of conviction to practice it routinely or steadfastly. They feel guilty for awhile and then forget it.
  • Womanly viewed romance includes the willing exchange of feelings. Just the event thrills women but not men. They have all manner of reasons for not exposing their feelings. The most influential being that they are born that way. Another is that disclosure makes them competitively weaker, which goes against their primal nature.
  • Men dodge romance partially because women push them where they are not ready to go. As women participate, they seem to suck men into faster relationship development than men like. Scary resistance sets in as women try to get commitment before a guy is ready for it. Thus, romancing a woman can become a virtual trap or opportunity to fail or both.
  • Her romantic impatience pressures him to change into her model of what a romancer should be or do. Not being inclined to feel guilty about emotional matters, men simply forget to try very hard.
  • In this day and age, the road to frequent and convenient sex elsewhere is too easy to waste time on female-expected romance. (Dating is virtually extinct on college campuses, and men are the cause but not responsible.)
  • Even if they do romance a woman, they feel vulnerable to being compared to other guys with other women, much like performance in bed. That’s a threat to their competitive reputation with men, which threatens their sense of significance. So, they just try to get by with the minimum of whatever is required to bed her.
  • Because they lack sufficient skill, soft-heartedness, and perceptiveness about romancing women well, men see little opportunity to earn self-admiration.
  • Romancing a woman does not make a man love her more. More devoted to her, yes. But giving or receiving romance plays but a very minor role in his love. His love is based on respect for who she is and what she does plus her likeability to have and be around. Likeability being based on her attractiveness in his eyes and what comes out of her mouth.

Men don’t inherit romantic skills at birth. Women, however, have all the reasons for men to initiate romance, and so they blame men. Blame makes it worse; it excuses women from responsibility for how men treat them. If men don’t know how, why, or when romance is expected, how do they learn? They need to be taught.

Just the term romance reminds men of foreplay and what it leads to. Of course a few other passing signs of attention and affection are necessary to gain a woman’s acceptance. But for the most part, the lead up to and foreplay are a guy’s notion of romance—including husbands of many years.

Many, many men are romantic at heart. Yet, except for greater willingness to try to do right things by women, they haven’t much incentive to express romance. They might embarrass themselves. They might be in the wrong about a woman’s willingness to accept their fumbling for proper words. They are naturally resistant to expose themselves, because it can be used against them and threaten their role as dominant member of a couple. They are even more resistant if women in their culture are typically critical or mean-spirited.

The romantic-at-heart man has many female-friendly traits and habits. Generally, women adore him for it. He has learned the enjoyment of masculine soft-heartedness, which reduces the hard-headedness among females he deals with. He teases young girls and it brings out their prettiness and confirms their importance to themselves. He is sensitive to female sensibilities, eager to find attractiveness in others, appreciates loveliness in natural things, honors her modesty as priceless trait, and proves himself friendly toward others. Mean-spiritedness is either lacking or suppressed among women he deals with.

In the end, the more alpha the male, the less willing to share his innermost feelings. Romantic-at-heart alpha men depend on their actions rather than their words to convey their devotion. Immortalized by Hollywood’s western heroes of yesteryear. Alpha non-romantics specifically hide their feelings behind facades that make body language practically unreadable. They use their hard-headed nature to suppress any soft-heartedness that may creep into their thoughts. Their women can expect romance to mean foreplay, period.

However and forever, the romantic man is still an ardent member of the male gender and fits in with the others. Generally, he also is super-reluctant to expose personal feelings for many manly reasons. 1) He refuses until and except as he detects a woman’s willingness to not laugh, reject, or disdain what he has to say about his deeper feelings. 2) His competitive nature says don’t reveal his full hand to competitors, and each woman is a competitor until conquered by him personally. 3) Even after conquest, to expose his feelings reflects weakness and makes him vulnerable. It lasts until his woman breathes sufficient cooperation into their lives and it converts his spirit from competition to harmonizing with her. 4) His dominant nature says don’t enable a mate to interfere with his dominance, and women have been known to try when they are aware of his deeper feelings. Women are also known to use all the leverage they can muster from receiving new information. In fact, it’s a constant urge residing in each woman’s heart; she can improve him. To do so, of course, is to tamper with his sense of both dominance and significance.

Concluding, men have natural and learned tendencies to not be eager and perhaps even avoid being romantic as visualized in female dreams and expectations. It confirms men as immovable but subject to ever present irresistible force by females. It never ends. She wants better pay for her graciously important life and expects it in romance dollars. His romance earning power is often so poor that he qualifies for under-employed romance insurance, which women provide out of their soft-heartedness, self-gratitude, and patient hope for better romancing ahead.

 

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1968. Sex Confirms His Significance


Her Highness Magnolia inspired this post. At 1482 she described an Army man prior to deployment who did not marry the woman he loved; he could not trust her. Instead, he married one he did not love but felt he could trust. I describe some reasons behind such manly thinking.

When away from home, suspicion or knowledge of his woman cheating disturbs everything else in a man’s life. Misery follows even discomfort with loss of confidence in her physical fidelity.

A man depends greatly on his woman’s faithfulness to help maintain his sense of significance. His suspicions threaten and one cheating incident destroys his sense of significance with her. If he is not worthy of her fidelity, she is not worthy of his presence. When she cheats he wants to walk.

One instance of unfaithfulness instantly transforms his significance into insignificance. Loss of face—and having fooled himself for trusting her—prevent her recovering his commitment or devotion. He can never trust her again. A man won’t live with a woman who—in the worst possible way—destroys his sense of significance with her.

Hardwired before birth, the foundation of male significance primarily confirms his role in life. It is built and confirmed regularly with thrusting sexually, energetically, and deeply into a woman to prove himself to himself. Use of his hardness and determination-to-satisfy himself rule the event. Nothing else in a couple’s relationship compares much less matches that primal urge. The quality of orgasm proportionally confirms both his magnificent significance and her worth as partner. Yes, even though she may have had little more to do than serve as a receptacle. The determination and energy expressed in thrusting serve as foundation to his whole sense of significance. Undermine or destroy his confidence or faith in himself and he has to couple with another woman to rebuild his sexual significance first and the rest to follow.

Beyond the hard wiring from birth, all else is learned behavior, e.g., other than minimal foreplay, trying to please his partner, pledging exclusive loyalty. In the eyes of what women expect, men are born sexually uneducated. They hunt and conquer, pursue diligently and thrust energetically, display their sexual worth in a woman’s life and thereby prove their significance. That women expect men to be different does not alter the natural and hormonal drive to prove himself to himself first. Men must be taught what women expect. The greater he perceives his significance with a woman, the more willing and able he is to try harder to fulfill her needs both in and out of bed.

Once a man’s determination rises up to ‘do his duty’ in bed, his sex partner’s reactions add to or detract little from his primary effort. Internally proving himself to himself first is the preeminent truth of his significance as a man.

If his sex partner just enjoys or even has orgasm too, his significance is further heightened. However, anything and everything negative about his ‘expertise’ sends loud messages about his insignificance, which of course is his greatest fear especially coming from his mate to whom he has devoted himself.

Now, let us return to the soldier who married out of trust rather than love. Deployment may not be good but it will not be misery either. He may worry about many things of concern to his wife. But, he spends no time imagining other men—his natural competitors—using his wife to confirm their significance at his expense, using his wife to thrust, twist, turn, and otherwise interrupt the imagined scene of his wife’s nakedness as he remembers her. By trusting her, he spends no time speculating if he will be betrayed. Consequently, she is worth what he paid for her—his independence.

 

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1924. Compatibility Axioms #181-190


181. Single women invite temporary relationships when they look for Mr. Right. He shows up after wife motivates husband to achieve her hopes and dreams that were conceived in girlhood and modified by a couple decades of marital adjustments and developments.

182. Unmarried chastity prolonged by a woman—that is, virtual virginity—can turn earlier, shameful, or promiscuous behavior into no one else’s business. [100]

183. Sex only captures a man’s attention. Subtlety, charming mystery, indirect influence, modesty, respectability, friendly sweetness, and dedication to sexual fidelity hold his interest. [100]

184. Her virtue is anything she has or does that a particular man admires, which also means that men generally can’t, won’t, or don’t. A woman appears feminine when she uses her virtues. One woman, Karen, says it neatly when she claims that femininity adds color to a man’s black and white world. [Keys to the Kingdom, Alison A. Armstrong, PAX Programs Inc., p. 151.]

185. When they act more like men, females abandon their natural modesty. They give up character strength to swallow embarrassments caused by men. It reinforces male domination. Suggestion: Females should adopt this as standard textbook: A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit. [100]

186. Men get as romantic as a woman requires before she yields to foreplay, intercourse, or both. Girls have the critical role in teaching boys the hows and whys of good romance habits. If girls don’t do it, men won’t have it, and women have to compensate.  [100]

187. The dominance game plays out differently once a couple has intercourse. Sex before marriage affirms and thereby strengthens his dominance. Conquest afterward modifies his dominance by adding respect and empathy for her. [100]

188. When marriage is less than absolutely essential to a woman, her boyfriend is miles ahead of her in avoiding it. [100]

189. The most hopeful investment a single woman can make is to get beyond commitment. Without nurturing or mothering him, she enables and patiently waits for boyfriend to become devoted to her and her ambitions for family and castle building. His devotion may not stop growing after he conquers her, but his nature is such that it’s highly probable. [100]

190. The smart woman on a date wants other men to ignore her, so she can concentrate on her mission, that of sealing or enjoying the relationship with her male companion. Men are not as dedicated. [100]

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