2785. Virtue vs. Virtuous to Marry

A battle over virtual virginity heated between two readers, while I was away from my battle station and command post. I don’t want to stop disagreements, just define some terms more thoroughly as used in this blog built on how both sexes are motivated to react to one another.

The sexes differ at birth and are motivated to react to each other.

• Virtue — Any quality in a woman that a man admires. A stimulation that helps motivate him to live with commitment to her and her other virtues. As used explaining human interaction, virtue is a stimulator and motivator. (Thus, virginity is neither virtue nor the only virtue except as each man decides it for himself.)
• Virtuous woman — She’s thought to be virtuous only when he sees enough virtues to consider her good enough to marry. It’s one man’s independent decision.
• Virtuous man — Each woman identifies her version of each man’s qualities that makes him worthy of her. Contrary to the position that women often take, the female nature doesn’t motivate women to marry virtuous men. Women marry to ‘inherit’ other attributes they value more highly than personal qualities; e.g., material possessions, dominant leadership traits, confessions of love and affection, apparent sexiness, or only man available and willing to marry.
• Man-whore — Few men receive money for sexual favors. Promiscuous is more accurate for the sake of de-emotionalizing arguments. Even so, it appears that men seek wives with sexual inexperience and wives disregard the previous experience of husbands. Proof is rooted in sex differences at birth and history through the ages.
• Player — Some guys copy the female hard-to-get technique and use it on women made vulnerable by feminist propaganda. It’s the more modern and accurate term for what women call man-whore. He’s after sex for the sake of sex, fooling women into yielding without his committing, not really interested in his targets for very long, and typically adultolescent in other behaviors.

All the above is prompted by small differences I have with two readers. One claims women want to marry virtuous man. Yes, perhaps, but it’s not a barn burning motivation to do so. What is a virtuous man; he’s much more than someone who foregoes sex before marriage. Too many other things in female life take priority over their ‘want.’

A man claims “only true virginity (outside of a few exceptions) makes a woman worthy of pursuit.” According to the male nature, this is more accurate. The closer to virginity she is or appears to be, the more worthy of his pursuit; the farther away the more discouraging.

I added those terms to the blog glossary at the Home menu.

2768. Avoid Being Dumped (repost of 2129)

Given the expansion of female sexual freedom even into the community of prepubescent girls, this three year old article might seem OBE, overtaken by events. Doesn’t seem to matter whether gals put out or not, however, they still get dumped with nauseating regularity.

At post 1343 Her Highness Mia inquired “How can we avoid falling into the same trap over and over again … of getting dumped….” Gaining a man’s devotion and learning to keep it is the only insurance against being dropped kicked into misery.

Caution: A strategic plan follows. I have idealized how to earn a man’s devotion. Life isn’t that simple, however. Also, no plan works as written. You have to figure out what and how the principles of the plan can work in your life with your prospects. Relevant blog articles are cited, underscored, and listed in the CONTENT page.

A man interested in you will see you in two lights, sexual and emotional attractiveness. He will tend to stay focused on the sexual. Your job is to develop and keep emotional connections alive and well while he learns to see greater merit in you than just conquest.

• Be yourself. Be honest and truthful with yourself. Avoid all phoniness regardless of what you think is happening. Be up front, blunt, and candid with him. He will appreciate it. (But not totally candid and exceptions of what NOT to disclose are described below. Definitions used here: Honesty means accuracy. Candid means full disclosure.) [HardToGet Tops Full Disclosure!]
• You’re the buyer, he’s the seller. Buyers don’t have to buy right away. He acts, you respond. You don’t initiate, he does. He works to please you. You respond to please him, but you don’t go out of your way. Reward him, however, for going out of his way for you.
• If you can’t admire him for who he is and what he does, then you won’t be able to respect and be grateful for him. In that case, he won’t qualify as Mr. Good Enough unless you lower your values, standards, and expectations, which I urge you not to do. Better to drop him early rather than later. [Five articles listed in CONTENTS with Good Enough in the title.]
• Always dress modestly and your gorgeous best when he’s anywhere near. [Boob Language in 25 parts] Smile a lot and especially at and with him. Show a lot of humor but not faked. Forget any purposeful sexual attractiveness. You can’t be extraordinary, if you dress, act, and look ordinary—and sexual attractiveness is now pretty ordinary.
• He never sees you excited with or about him. Stay calm; he’s just another guy but one of sufficient interest to perhaps be worthy of you. Emotions you reveal can be used against you and probably will be—not dishonestly either—but to facilitate conquest. Full disclosure is out and sexual history—including virgin status yes or no—is your business and none of his. [Virgin? Keep It Secret! in 2 parts; Her Sexual History in 10 parts.]
• Have moral, religious, and personal reasons for not having sex. Don’t explain yourself, however. You are just that way. You are living up to someone or biblical values or principles higher than you. Don’t use phrasing such as you’re saving yourself for husband, etc. You’re celibate simply because your conscience says to stay that way. The more you explain, the more ammo you give him to persuade you otherwise. [Virtual Virginity in 24 parts]
• Forget trying to convince him of your love, or love conquers all, or whatever else your female mind can conceive as beneficial of love. It may not be meaningless to him, but it won’t carry the day, won’t convince him of much. Love just isn’t that important to how a man views his future with a mate. He sees your love in the respect/appreciation/gratitude you show—actions more than words—for who he is and what he does. [Love vs. Respect in 5 parts; Sex Diff. Redux Parts 18 through 28]
• DON’T gift him with the expectation that it will gain you favor. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so you gain nothing at considerable cost. Give simple and inexpensive birthday, Christmas, and especially Valentine gifts. He doesn’t rate Valentine’s Day nearly as high or important as you. How he gifts you, however, tells you a lot. Don’t cook for him except as reward for some special favor he’s done. (Should you marry, you want your cooking to reward him for providing/protecting and not his expecting it for just being the man you love.)
• Be patient. You need many months to allow time for a good man to change to meet your expectations. And, he has to do it mostly at his own motivation and time; your role is secondary. First, he downgrades his primary interest in conquest to include stronger interest in you. Then, he expresses his commitment with words that brighten your future. Then, he morphs into a state of devotion clearly exhibited by his actions to please himself just for wanting to please you. Then, he finds himself deeply devoted, and it shifts his focus to the promise you hold for his life and ambition. Somewhere along that process, his devotion to you shifts conquest into second place on his priority list. (You go wrong to try to influence or expedite that process. So, be patient, yourself, pleasant, and likeable in his presence. Take your complaints and worries to the Lord—but not girlfriends or family.)
• Practice the art of thanking a man without saying thank you. See article Men are Never More Handsome….
• DON’T pay or split pay for dates. If he won’t, he’s not good enough. If he can’t, let him treat you at Taco Bell. How he handles money promises what your future will be like with him. (Men don’t change, remember?) [Single Women Don’t Pay in 3 parts]
• Don’t bug him to call, text, or speak of his love. He takes it as invitation to change and men don’t change for a woman—except as each one becomes devoted through his own motivation and action.
• Use indirectness to get what you want. Seed planting, hints, questions, and weakly worded suggestions. Neither describe nor ask for your expectations to be fulfilled. What he figures out impresses him much more than what you describe or request. [Her Indirectness Overpowers Directness]
• Don’t complain about him or his habits. If unsuitable for your future, drop him. (If you accept undesirable habits now, you in effect are saying you can live with them. When you mention them after marriage, you give him incentive to dump you. You deceived him; he married a phony because he was okay before the altar.)
• There is no Mr. Right and it should take months for him to prove to you that he’s even Mr. Good Enough. Convince yourself and reflect this attitude: He’s not REALLY good enough FOR YOU but you’re willing to spend time with him for the enjoyment that the two of you have together. Just to see what happens. You might make good friends someday; he’s worth that as long as he’s nice and kind. Don’t try to manipulate, just find ways to keep his interest up for many months. It won’t be easy either but necessary for his focus to shift to putting your interest first and ahead of sex. [Six articles with “Mr. Right” in the title.]
• Don’t let him hear you complain; you’re already a winner so you don’t want him involved with the complaint side of your life—at least not yet. Recall this adage? If you smile then he’s okay. If you complain then he’s at fault.

He will press you to find weaknesses to get you into bed. You need months to delay bedtime together while he discovers qualities in you that he can admire. They become virtues to him. Enough virtues and you become fascinating to him. You need more months for him to see promise in you as mate to supplement his life and ambition. After that, perhaps, a proposal.[Men Self-talk their Way to the Altar]

2346. Tribute to the Female Nature — 02: Tame Men

Men are not as impervious to female influence as they act and women react. Over time each man reflects what he’s learned from the women in his life, just as long as those women don’t remind him of it.

Whether about gender or an individual, you ladies know the shortcomings of men and how you wish they were different. They will be when you make yourself different from those who can’t keep a husband today. One on one and one at a time. It takes one woman to tame one man to her wishes, hopes, and dreams. You were prepared at birth, but many must relearn how to use it.

God, Nature, and hormones make woman very capable and consequently make women the superior gender. Each is the irresistible force facing off against the immovable object. But the force is born with the advantage: She CAN withhold sex to encourage the immovable object toward marriage instead of yielding and making marriage unnecessary to satisfy his conquering spirit. Provided, of course, that marriage rather than sexual pleasure and him rather than someone else is what she’s truly after.

It starts the moment they meet. The kickoff is her feminine more than sexual attractiveness. The latter attracts every man; the former attracts men more interested in her than just sex. Her qualifications to lead one or more of those men into a successful relationship continues for life.

Men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Virtue is whatever quality a particular man admires. Some men take a very long time to find ways to admire a woman. In the meantime, each woman is well prepared from inborn traits and skills to convert his blank time into progress for her.

It works with one woman and one man. You are born more than capable to outperform any man at the relationship but not the societal level; at the emotional but not the physical level; in your home but not in public; with domestic principles, values, and standards but not social impulse and displays of power; with indirectness but not directness; with patience to outlast rather than resolve problems immediately; with ability to outsmart rather than manipulate; with premarital competition instead of cooperation; with marital cooperation instead of competition; with more concern for the future than the present; with deferred rather than immediate gratification; with relationship management skills rather than being led by a nose ring; at compromising rather than fighting out differences; with love rather than vengeance; with silence to avoid uproars; with acceptance of faults to avoid blame; with more loyalty to one person than interest tied to others; in marriage more than shack up; in stopping at resisting and resenting rather than retaliating; in devotion to husband, self, and his job over home and family; with compassion for the weak more than respect of the powerful; at deferring to the powerful to ensure good relations with and for your provider/protector; at liking yourself in spite of temporary messages to the contrary; in fulfilling responsibility for others instead of just self, and through learning to use sex before and enjoy it after marriage and not vice versa.

Tomorrow, I tackle the blame game.

2180. Dating in Mid-life — Part D4: He Walks Himself to the Altar

You’ve read much of this before, but a summary is appropriate. The male heart is programmed to work through the following steps so smoothly that they can’t be identified as individual steps. They all merge together into one constantly developing process that emerges out of his determined effort to get you into bed. However, in his subconscious background, these things are happening.

• Sensing his pressure to uncover weakness, you exercise due caution and refuse to be exploited. Almost accidentally to his mind but not yours, he discovers that you have admirable qualities that he likes and can admire. His curiosity arouses, his imagination soars according to how emotionally attractive you are to him.
• Admired qualities are virtues to him, and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Chaste dating enables you to disclose other qualities worthy of his admiration. (OTOH, conquest ends his search for weakness, which terminates the rapid growth of your virtue and expansion of his respect, which makes yielding counterproductive to your long-view expectations.)
• His verbal commitment, followed by courtship, enables more virtues to accumulate and compound. He starts pleasing himself by pleasing you more and more, which is the development of devotion. Devotion grows and morphs into fascination. At some point, in a surprising realization, he concludes he can’t live without you. The surprise upgrades his mind from your fascinating likeability into a new app. He perceives you as full of promise as a potential mate. The hook is in his mouth but not yet set.
• Spurred by his imagination, his judgment shifts you from potential mate to possible wife. Thinking himself unable to do without you, his focus changes. He looks for your promise as his life-partner, which casts the lure of your help to routinely uplift his present life and fulfill his ambitions. That realization qualifies you as highly desired wife. After imagining the full consequences of that, he envisions a trip to the altar. You hold so much promise that he can no longer ignore it. The hook is set.
• He proposes, is accepted, turns the arrangements over to you (and bride’s mother), and gets himself to the altar on time.

Thus, just by being yourself and not trying to accelerate the process or convince him to commit or marry, by showing extensive patience, you pave with undisclosed female dreams the pathway to the altar. You dodge his search for weakness, demo your abundant qualities that he can admire, and await the proposal in his good time.

As I hope you have seen, the nature of men produces a premarital process and commitment agenda very different from both the womanly process and whatever women envision for men. Women are fond of makeovers in appearance because men appreciate the results. If more women had makeovers in virtuous behavior—aka feminine, moral, religious, and anti-feminist qualities—I predict that men would appreciate it. Many more would step up to the monogamous plate and swing for the marital home run as if in the world series, score tied, two outs, and bases loaded in the ninth.

You win through the activity of his curiosity, imagination, and subconscious mind. None of which you can influence directly and effectively (only subtly and indirectly). That’s why manipulation and pushing a man to the altar makes a marriage short-lived. You have to let him determine his commitment, devotion, and proposal. To figure important things out himself is to confirm his sense of independence before he yields it to you.

Before this series ends, I shall cite many of the virtuous qualities that women can follow to upgrade their virtuous behavior. In the meantime, tomorrow’s posting continues with some tips for interacting with men and dates.

2129. Avoid Being Dumped

At post 1343 Her Highness Mia inquired “How can we avoid falling into the same trap over and over again … of getting dumped….” Gaining a man’s devotion and learning to keep it is the only insurance against being dropped kicked into misery.

Caution: A strategic plan follows. I have idealized how to earn a man’s devotion. Life isn’t that simple, however. Also, no plan works as written. You have to figure out what and how the principles of the plan can work in your life with your prospects. Relevant blog articles are cited and underscored.

A man interested in you will see you in two lights, sexual and emotional attractiveness. He will tend to stay focused on the sexual. Your job is to develop and keep emotional connections alive and well while he learns to see greater merit in you than just conquest.

• Be yourself. Be honest and truthful with yourself. Avoid all phoniness regardless of what you think is happening. Be up front, blunt, and candid with him. He will appreciate it. (But not totally candid and exceptions of what NOT to disclose are described below. Definitions used here: Honesty means accuracy. Candid means full disclosure.) [HardToGet tops Full Disclosure!]
• You’re the buyer, he’s the seller. Buyers don’t have to buy right away. He acts, you respond. You don’t initiate, he does. He works to please you. You respond to please him, but you don’t go out of your way. Reward him, however, for going out of his way for you.
• If you can’t admire him for who he is and what he does, then you won’t be able to respect and be grateful for him. In that case, he won’t qualify as Mr. Good Enough unless you lower your values, standards, and expectations, which I urge you not to do. Better to drop him early rather than later. [Five articles listed in CONTENTS with Good Enough in the title.]
• Always dress modestly and your gorgeous best when he’s anywhere near. [Boob Language in 25 parts] Smile a lot and especially at and with him. Show a lot of humor but not faked. Forget any purposeful sexual attractiveness. You can’t be extraordinary, if you dress, act, and look ordinary—and sexual attractiveness is now ordinary.
• He never sees you excited with or about him. Stay calm; he’s just another guy but one of sufficient interest to perhaps be worthy of you. Emotions you reveal can be used against you and probably will be—not dishonestly either—to facilitate conquest. Full disclosure is out and sexual history—including virgin status yes or no—is your business and none of his. [Virgin? Keep It Secret! in 2 parts; Her Sexual History in 10 parts.]
• Have moral, religious, and personal reasons for not having sex. Don’t explain yourself, however. You are just that way. You are living up to someone or biblical values or principles higher than you. Don’t use phrasing such as you’re saving yourself for husband, etc. You’re celibate simply because your conscience says to stay that way. The more you explain, the more ammo you give him to persuade you otherwise. [Virtual Virginity in 24 parts]
• Forget trying to convince him of your love, or love conquers all, or whatever else your female mind can conceive as beneficial of love. It may not be meaningless to him, but it won’t carry the day, won’t convince him of much. Love just isn’t that important to how a man views his future with a mate. He sees your love in the respect/appreciation/gratitude you show—actions more than words—for who he is and what he does. [Love vs. Respect in 5 parts; Sex Diff. Redux Parts 18 through 28]
• DON’T gift him with the expectation that it will gain you favor. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so you gain nothing at considerable cost. Give simple and inexpensive birthday, Christmas, and especially Valentine gifts. He doesn’t rate Valentine’s Day nearly as high or important as you. How he gifts you, however, tells you a lot. Don’t cook for him except as reward for some special favor he’s done. (Should you marry, you want your cooking to reward him for providing/protecting and not his expecting it for just being the man you love.)
• Be patient. You need many months to allow time for a good man to change to meet your expectations. And, he has to do it mostly at his own motivation and time; your role is secondary. First, he downgrades his primary interest in conquest to include stronger interest in you. Then, he expresses his commitment with words that brighten your future. Then, he morphs into a state of devotion clearly exhibited by his actions to please himself just for wanting to please you. Then, he finds himself deeply devoted, and it shifts his focus to the promise you hold for his life and ambition. Somewhere along that process, his devotion to you shifts conquest into second place on his priority list. (You go wrong to try to influence or expedite that process. So, be patient, yourself, pleasant, and likeable in his presence. Take your complaints and worries to the Lord—but not girlfriends or family.)
• Practice the art of thanking a man without saying thank you. See article 2059. Men are Never More Handsome….
• DON’T pay or split pay for dates. If he won’t, he’s not good enough. If he can’t, let him treat you at Taco Bell. How he handles money promises what your future will be like with him. (Men don’t change, remember?) [Single Women Don’t Pay in 3 parts]
• Don’t bug him to call, text, or speak of his love. He takes it as invitation to change and men don’t change for a woman—except as each one becomes devoted through his own motivation and action.
• Use indirectness to get what you want. Seed planting, hints, questions, and weakly worded suggestions. Neither describe nor ask for your expectations to be fulfilled. What he figures out impresses him much more than what you describe or request. [Her Indirectness Overpowers Directness]
• Don’t complain about him or his habits. If unsuitable for your future, drop him. (If you accept undesirable habits now, you in effect are saying you can live with them. When you mention them after marriage, you give him incentive to dump you. You deceived him; he married a phony because he was okay before the altar.)
• There is no Mr. Right and it should take months for him to prove to you that he’s even Mr. Good Enough. Convince yourself and reflect this attitude: He’s not REALLY good enough FOR YOU but you’re willing to spend time with him for the enjoyment that the two of you have together. Just to see what happens. You might make good friends someday; he’s worth that as long as he’s nice and kind. Don’t try to manipulate, just find ways to keep his interest up for many months. It won’t be easy either but necessary for his focus to shift to putting your interest first and ahead of sex. [Four articles with “Mr. Right” in the title.]
• Don’t let him hear you complain; you’re already a winner so you don’t want him involved with the complaint side of your life—at least not yet.

He will press you to find weaknesses to get you into bed. You need months to delay bedtime together while he discovers qualities in you that he can admire. They become virtues to him. Enough virtues and you become fascinating to him. You need more months for him to see promise in you as mate to supplement his life and ambition. After that, perhaps, a proposal.[Men Self-talk their Way to the Altar]

 

2112. Conviction Redefined

I’ve undergone a change in my thinking. I’ve been touting that men want to marry a virtuous woman. Refreshing my thinking, I think that applied in old school. Modern men want to marry a fascinating woman. But only the name has changed, because virginity has been downgraded from virtue, which made all virtue unimportant to think about.

Virtuous and fascinating effectively mean the same thing to a man. He sees admirable qualities within a woman and each becomes a virtue to him although he doesn’t name it that way; she just is. As he perceives more qualities and learns to admire them, virtues accumulate. Her admirable qualities fire his imagination and confirm her likeability; he finds satisfaction with himself in her company.

Instead of him thinking of her in virtuous terms, he thinks of her as fascinating enough to devote himself to pleasing her regularly. It sets the hook for a trip to the altar. But he still has to perceive significant promise for her to improve his present life and help fulfill his ambitions and goals. All that before he hooks himself by proposing and then falls in line with what she and her mother plan for the wedding.

 

2101 — Compatibility Axioms #551-560

551. Christian men complain that young women and girls dress so seductively for church that they discredit God and steal male attention away from church teachings. Church-going men usually make good husbands, but they must be proud of how their wife appears in public. [200]

552. If she doesn’t dominate the courtship agenda, she won’t have much power in any other arrangement—except separation. [201]

553. “We are mutually co-dependent,” she imagines. Women think or hope that men are like females in their thinking, habits, and urge to constantly be together—wrong! [201]

554. If she does not like herself and love being a female, she will not appreciate any man for very long—except the older, father figure. [201]

555. If she stands for nothing but the popular and fashionable, she will fall for what’s new—including another man. [201]

556. If women don’t condemn what embarrasses them, they undermine their self-respect and miss opportunities to gain the respect of men for female sensibilities. [201]

557. Marriage boils down to this: She chose him. As the relationship expert, she’s responsible to qualify him and place value on whatever he’s selling. Then, as the buyer, she makes whatever adjustments are necessary to live with what she ‘purchased’. [201]

558. Modern women use sex, hope, and loving affection to bond their future with a man. But the multitude of short relationships shows that it doesn’t work very well. [201]

559. Instead of making men prove they are worthy of her as the buyer and him as the seller, modern women reverse those roles in order to have a boyfriend. They consider the present more important than the future, which is the male and not female priority of life. [201]

560. Men highly value female virtue. The promise of eventual conquest of a virtuous woman adds honor to his manly persona and significance. But it’s up to women to demonstrate the qualities that men admire and decide are virtuous. [202]

 

2095. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 96

• Women have pretty much convinced everyone that men are the primary culprits for mucking up relationships. Women are experts on managing relationships but men are not, so even equal blame may not be appropriate.
• Infatuation is a powerful inducement to do wrong by letting feelings override a woman’s thinking. The infatuated girl or woman too easily disregards or fails to exploit the character shaping and guidance provided by God, modesty, vanity, morality, and the rest of her female nature.
• Women do not have to embrace the feminist ideology to embrace feminist values. For example, modern women expect or sanction teen sexual activity to attract masculine attention. They let or teach daughters to dress like hookers, show cleavage to match plumber backside exposure, and dress erotically. Boys and men learn to insist on more and more, and females of every age acquiesce. Nowadays, boys exploit girls as friends with benefits. Men grow older eyeballing more and more exposed skin and dreaming wishfully or wistfully about going from older bloom to younger blossom. Compatibility decays further under social pressure to cheat rather than respect one’s mate. [131
• A connected difference exists and women ignore or miss this point of nature today. Women hug a man to be held. Men hug a woman to kiss or more. Thus, the common practice of everyone hugging everyone confirms the woman’s importance at each man’s expense—he’s challenged. He may feel awkward with self-restraint or thrilled with the feel of the female body.
• Why don’t women like to be approached or hit on by strange men? They don’t know how to react successfully because they lack self-confidence that arises out of self-respect that arises out of self-gratitude. IOW, they are not grateful for themselves and don’t like to be reminded of what they don’t deserve.
• Females inherit typical female convictions, motivations, and qualities at birth in many combinations and variations. Each woman is born unique, and men have an endless variety of women in which to find virtue and from which to choose a virtuous mate. IOW, women are born to be virtuous as men define it, and men determine virtue by the unique female qualities they see in each woman. It means that each woman competes against women for virtuous uniqueness in order to have more options to pick and choose the best man for her.
• Success in marriage depends basically on two factors. 1) She depends on what he does, his actions. On what he does to, for, and about her, which she perceives with her secondary sensor, her eyes. 2) He depends on her words. On what, how, and why she says to, for, and about him, which he perceives with his secondary sensor, his ears. It means success in marriage requires both sexes to pay less attention to their primary sensors. What she hears and what he sees are not the major determinants.