2605. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 14

Still enroute home after proposing to Jenny in the restaurant, Hank continues to reminisce. Three big quirks generated immense and unusual excitement in their courtship.

First, she disclosed her lifelong commitment to abstinence for no other reason than to satisfy herself with a significant achievement. Not the abstinence but the reason for it surprised him; it is more masculine than female motivation, but then her father in childhood inspired her to pursue a big goal.

Second, he decided to marry her and presented his intentions of how to make it work. Starting with methods for handling eight pressures that arise in most marriages, he finished with his plan to supervise and make their marriage work for sixty years. He made as the foundation his intention to cherish her all that time and elevate their marriage to a status above both of them.

Third and most shocking of all, he now faces Jenny’s promise to express her expectations on the subject of lover and lovee, presumably to teach him how to love her. Sounds exciting but does he want to hear it?

He can wait, in no hurry. His curiosity and imagination compete to advise him what to expect, but neither has a comforting thought. What does he know, and when did she know it? What does her agenda look like? Will she expect him to change in some way? Change to what? He knows all he needs to know. So, more about what? Of course, he’s a good lover. He’s had no complaints. He knows exactly what to do. Put it in and drive it home. He loves it so much she can’t not love it.

Jenny fantasized for three days. No dates, no calls. He’s waiting on her, and she wants him anxious to learn. He needs time to consider so that his ears will open to what she has to say.

Jenny never heard of doing such a thing, never contemplated it until she heard how committed Hank is about them marrying. She will gamble. After marriage, there’s no way she can get by trying so directly to coach him into becoming a better lover. He would be certain to take immense offense at even the hint that he could be less than great or perhaps perfect.

Both anecdotes and experience tell her that men are more sensitive about their sexual prowess than anything else, and accusers make themselves disposable. Men brag to each other about their scores from which prowess is presumed. Women, however, know the truth but are much too cautious to disclose what they think. In fact, they say virtually nothing; any comment comes out as criticism or condemnation to a man. Women usually want to keep their man.

Jenny plots her game plan. All new and totally foreign for her to be doing such  plotting in the first place and on a forbidden subject for wives in the second place. Confident that she and Hank have won each other, however, she continues to plan her message.

As he did before, she expects to write out her ‘position paper’ and make it more conversational as she reads it. They meet and she delivers.

“Hank, my dearest friend. We must talk, rather I must talk. You men don’t know jack about the women with whom you lay. Women—in the way you love them—are mere objects to unload your passion. It has probably always been so.

“Men are not to blame; they are just ignorant and women go unfulfilled too much and too often. I figure you and I can be different, if you know more about me and my expectations than you know at present.

“What I say is aimed at all men. You just happen to be the closest and gifted enough to hear a woman’s version of how sex should satisfy rather than frustrate a wife. A husband owes his wife more than poke, come, and go. Knowing you, I’m sure you understand it. But so many men don’t—or so friends, relatives, and associates admit.

“I explain the woman’s dilemma. We cannot convey our frustrations without offending our man. We are due more honor in the bed we make with them, and I shall hopefully make with you.

“Education, not information, overcomes ignorance. Women are in no position to educate men about making love. We try to inform, yes. When we try, they take offense and drop the gal who suggests their masculine talents are less than perfect in technique and terrific in achievement. An impenetrable wall surrounds the male ego about sexual aptitude, attitude, and competence. Few things are guarded with more religious fervor.

“I hope to give you a peek over that wall. Not because you need it, but because I want the wall lowered enough so I can converse more freely with my husband about making love.

“Here are some basics of how women view sexual relations.

• “Warmup is critical to a woman’s sexual enjoyment; the root of any pleasure begins with it. Foreplay brings her whole body into the action that follows. Bare skin touching and caressing is vital, and extended stimulation of her erogenous zones can complete the warmup. The better she is warmed up, the better is her response to him in action. So, if he thinks he’s good and expects to confirm it with the final results, he owes her an extended warmup until she says she’s ready.
• “Contrary to man-think, earning his orgasm does not satisfy her. Pleasure? Perhaps! Maybe sure! But it’s the weakest way to prove himself. Fornication does not make a good lover. She makes him a good lover, when she is properly prepared and rewarded with intimacy at the end.
• “Emotional conflict exists when intercourse begins. He’s driven to drive home his weapon. She wants gentle handling. His nature inspires hard penetration, and so it’s a price women are accustomed to paying. His gentle caressing and holding elsewhere helps her adapt to the courser side of his style.
• “She needs a multi-function cool-down after they finish intercourse. Oh, not from body heat but from her excited internals that need a calming effect that comes from the comfort of his holding her with snuggling and more bare skin touching and caressing. It provides and she needs a lengthy interlude of intimacy to fortify and confirm her importance. If sex doesn’t make her feel important afterward, he didn’t do it right. His holding and enabling her to snuggle close confirms that she did the right and important thing for him. So, he owes her satisfying intimacy as reward for being a good receptacle for his intensity.

“As you can see, Hank, women are people too. When we make love, we also go all the way. Provided, that is, our man knows how to lift and gently escort us all the way through the three arches of pleasure: warmup joy, intercourse kindness, and satisfying intimacy.

“Hank expects to be flabbergasted, but he isn’t. No big deal. He thinks; I didn’t know all that but, heck, I could have figured it out sometime. Just my receptacle? That hurt. That’s not me. She makes a good case for her sisters, but I don’t know how it will ever get to other men. It’s not that complicated, but the gal has to become the most important person in the process; if the guy hopes to claim, accurately, to be a good lover.

“Jenny smiles while Hank contemplates how to respond. His silence sparks her inquiry.

“Well, honey, is our marriage talk ended? Are we finished? Remember, none of it was aimed at you but presented to educate rather than just inform. Also, this was a traumatic undertaking for me. I did it once. Never again. The subject is not for discussion unless you question me for more details sometime in our wedded future.”

Hank rises, sits beside with his arm around her. “Heck, I know all that. It makes sense and fits what I’ve known for a long time. Probably a few details slightly different, but I always intended to do those things as best I could. I figured experience together would make everything come out at least good or maybe better. I’m mostly concerned with the when, where, and how of getting started.”

Jenny starts crying, hugs him, feels relieved she has done well. Then she stops. They kiss, promise eternal togetherness, and depart for beer and burgers.

Over food, Jenny smiles in his eyes. “I can hardly wait for our warmup, your shining presence in me, and my reward of intimacy.”

Hank’s eyes sparkle with moisture, “Let’s get married sooner.”

Hank rethinks his plan to present her ring. I can do it tomorrow night at our favorite restaurant. Will it be romantic enough? Well, I will make it so.

Recovering from the fantasy flavor of what she has just done, Jenny calls her mother. “Change of plans, mom, we’re doing it sooner and….”

2374. Advisory for Men #08

71. Even though you don’t appreciate unearned gifts, women do. Actually they expect them frequently as reminders of their importance to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness when it comes to pleasing a woman. When she’s down, she needs some sort of recognition of her importance THEN. And nothing works better than you reinforcing her importance to YOU.

72. You always do or try to do your best and don’t deserve blame except on the matter of breaking marriage vows. You’re a very admirable character reflective of a good man. Be grateful for whoever taught you that valuable trait.

73. The prettier she makes herself, the more she likes herself, which frees her to focus on your interests more than her own.

74. Remind yourself frequently that a woman needs opportunity and it seems to be an endless time to groom and primp. Every female is born knowing that she’s pretty. It’s the foundation of her personality, and must be preserved at all costs. She does it for herself but you benefit.

75. Women desire mindful lovemaking when her man uses his big head to outweigh his little head. It brings out more deliberate care for her than just plain old ordinary little head sex. It consists of gentle holding, caressing, venturesome touching of erogenous zones, no impatience, lengthy foreplay, and intimate after-play. Intercourse is far more important to you than her except with intent to create a baby. All that is her conviction; everyone knows you have a more urgent need echoing from little-head love-making.

76. Gentlemen, I worked indirectly under Ross Perot’s leadership and his motto was “Up front, blunt, and candid.” So I close this series on that vein.

Men are not the lovers they presume. Sticking Willie where he ought to go isn’t love-making in the female world. Love-making to women is gentleness more than poking, purposeful slowness more than quick fumbling, intimacy more than orgasms. So, what is intimacy?

Great love-making depends on one thing. The longer she spends caught up, growing excited, and ‘vibrating’ vulnerably in the emotional uplift between initial physical contact and climax, the greater is the love-making.

The true and intimate value of love-making is her highly charged up process of getting to the end, namely orgasm. The time spent between his stimulation and her climax is her primary expectation for sex, the intimacy she craves. IOW, being deeply aroused, staying, and dragging it out before (each) climax is the ultimate intimacy and her primary incentive for sex in the first place. Not orgasms nearly as much as continuous arousal.

That applies to foreplay and intercourse. After-play is more important than intercourse to her. Intimacy afterward means a different arousal. It’s a confirming spirit that comes from closeness, holding, caressing, snuggling and similar lingering actions that leave her with an aroused sense of how important she has just proven herself to be to her man.

Leaving her without such confirmation reveals masculine inadequacy. It may reveal that her man/lover is more grabber and jerker than considerate, more adolescent-minded than mature, more boy than man, or more talker than lover. He doesn’t truly know the woman he just poked, and he’s not nearly the man or lover he imagines himself to be.

But women are smart; they keep such opinions to themselves. They prefer to have a poor lover than do without a man who is better for many other things that are more important to a woman’s life. Sex to her is just duty—perhaps enjoyable, perhaps not—until someone provides the intimacy she craves.

2149. Uniqueness: They are Very Different

The sexes differ another way too, and you ladies won’t care much for the surprise.

Women equate their own uniqueness with what they do extra mostly to please men or a man; unique by being different and out-competing other women. Men equate female uniqueness with other-than-strictly-sex qualities they admire, which become virtues, which tend to attract a man as if magnetically.

Men equate their own uniqueness with their sexual performance. Women equate masculine uniqueness with a man’s ability and propensity to treat women kindly, affectionately, and respectfully.

Misled by not understanding the male nature, women try to be unique in the bedroom only to find in the long run that it’s wasted effort. Her bedroom talent and skills just do not hold a man close to her. She plays up her sex appeal, yes. But virtues a man discovers outside the bedroom have the magnetic appeal that morphs eventually from romantic into enduring love.

It means her bedroom qualities are not what keeps him; they help but they’re not key. I don’t say her love-making abilities are not admired. She is just not unique during intercourse; his dynamic focus drowns it. She comes in second to his achievement and she doesn’t rank nearly as high after orgasm. That’s why post-coital intimacy is not part of his habits. His being spent demotes her importance.

Women are not unique in bed unless they gain that vaunted status beforehand; gained out of bed and upright rather than horizontal. Even then it passes unnoticed in bed, because men focus on exactly what is familiar and similar with other women.

A woman’s uniqueness is the product of a man’s eyes, curiosity, and imagination. All of which fade with erectile penetration, and with it for a short time goes her qualities unrelated to sex. IOW, all women can fornicate so none is unique once the monster with two backs appears.

A man’s sense of his own uniqueness comes out in bed with a woman—in his mind, that is. Consequently, when he’s unique, she’s not, and it begs the question.

Q. What is the value of her uniqueness for him?

A. Sex bonds a woman but not a man. Sex may capture him temporarily, but it won’t keep him. She needs something else outside the bed. Men want to marry a virtuous woman. Her virtues arise out of her qualities that he admires. Fed by his admiration, her qualities morph into virtues, which compound into fascination, which makes her appear promising as future mate, which makes her truly unique among other women. Thus, her promise as potential mate makes her uniqueness bloom and confirm that his actions to win her are not wasted.

The lure of her uniqueness pulls him along right through courtship and on to the altar. IOW, if she is not unique, not having earned it outside the bed, she has little promise to meet him in front of the parson.

Trying to be unique in bed is thus wasted effort for her. Oh, not trying to be pretty and attractive but that’s not unique. He ignores all but her body anyway, while he focuses on being his own loveable and loving self trying to earn the laurels of ‘best lover’ from her. He knows he deserves that title, and her confirmation afterward triggers his imagination in her favor for the future. She may be of sufficient interest to warrant the label of unique. But she should bet her chips on being unique outside of bed, if she hopes to keep him for more than a few years.

 

1798. Sex Difference Redux—Part 49: Art of Love vs. Lovemaking

Her Highness An Avid Follower and a Lady asked at 1797 for details about enhancing the art of love within a man. She commented in woman-think. I close the gap with man-think.

Loving is a basic and critical component of the female nature. Both love and the art of love originate within individual females. A girl’s mind dreams of love. As a woman, her mind conceives the art of love, and her heart detects failures, measures successes, and judges men according to her expectations.

The concept of love is foreign to the male nature. Men must be taught to value it. Women expect to see the ‘art of love’ flow out of men as if men know how and what to do. However, men know only what they have learned from family, buddies, and previous females in their lives, that is:

1. Mothers indoctrinate, fathers exemplify, and sisters encourage boys to love and show affection to females. As one might expect, dysfunctional families produce lousy lovers by female expectations.
2. From teen and adult buddies, boys and men pick up successful tactics aimed at gaining access to more sex. As one might expect, males learn almost exclusively about the art of lovemaking centered on intercourse. The art of love centered on devotion is rarely mentioned.
3. Teen girls tame boys and young men. They teach males to display loving and loveable gestures in order to earn the favor of females. As one might expect, cheap and easy teen sex produces this in adulthood: selfish and high performance oriented lovers in males and inadequate devotion of males for females.
4. Adult women condition men to show affection and figure out how to please a woman’s desire to be loved and to provide it. As one might expect, women either upholds standards that teach men the art of love, or they bow to the masculine art of lovemaking.

Out of those experiences, a man stabilizes his version of the art of love based on his personal version of lovemaking. It becomes habitual and difficult to change. Embellishments to please a particular woman come only after she gently coaches him to be more artful in her eyes.

The sexes differ greatly. Women dream of the art of love centered on devotion. Men dream of the art of lovemaking centered on intercourse. Only females can change the masculine focus, but it requires that girls and women generate mutual devotion before yielding to intercourse.

1736. Affection for Her vs. Sex for Him

Wife may not like sex, it may hurt, or husband’s habits may offend. He’s convinced that his sexual ability makes him admirable if not adorable. It doesn’t take much to convince him that she thinks him inadequate in bed. Or, he may find her inadequate. If him, he’s urged to prove otherwise to himself. If her, he invites himself to find sexual pleasure with someone else. (Vows and character play no part here, because I’m explaining the male nature.)

The spectrum of results in the bedroom has two extremes. Ideal that tends to keep spouses from wandering, or so dissatisfying that it makes them think of little else. Couples innocently and  easily wade into the latter extreme, so I describe a way to move from somewhere on the spectrum toward the ideal.

Much different from women, displaying his affection for someone is not a natural element in a man’s makeup. It’s learned and displayed for specific reasons. Moreover, it isn’t essential for his sexual activity. So, disregarding sleep for this point, in the bedroom men think of affection second—if at all. Women think of sex second—if at all.

A man shows his affection to his woman because he understands she craves it, he wants to please her, or both; although conditional with him, she expects it naturally. A man’s prime motivator is need for self-admiration. Little or no satisfaction comes from showing affection, but self-admiration blasts off during foreplay and reaches orbital speed during intercourse.

Much different from men, a woman loves a man because it makes her feel self-important. She shows him affection, because it expresses her love, or she hopes to stimulate affectionate responses from him. A woman’s prime motivator is the need for self-importance. It doesn’t accumulate from sex, but it skyrockets from intimacy and cherishment after intercourse, aka afterplay.

He goes to the bedroom expecting sleep or sex, both of which confirm his self-admiration. She goes there expecting to confirm her self-importance, whether through affection, sex, snuggling, or sleep. Merging and morphing those differences into compatibility is the crowning achievement of married life.

It begs the question: How?

In the bedroom, wife indirectly stresses her admiration for who and what he is to her as a wife fulfilled in bed, as a woman dependent on his sexual smoothness, and as a person completed by his understanding of what she needs from her man. She acts fortunate to have him in bed as intimate partner. Her modesty and desire to remain mysterious prevents talking about sexual activity directly. Actually, bed is the place to minimize words and let him translate her endearments into admiration of him. She doesn’t mention his sexual habits, prowess, or performance. She lets her physical responses send messages that confirm his sense of self-admiration. He excites and satisfies her as the woman she is, but she downplays the intercourse phase of it. She claims that he tickles her fancy in bed. She adores his foreplay. She admires his tenderness in afterplay. But intercourse is his time to rise and shine, and she just makes the most of it.

If she sincerely enjoys intercourse, she downplays it to him. Her orgasm satisfies but multiples skyrocket his self-admiration. If she plays it up beyond orgasmic benefits, she waters down the effects she needs to emphasize with foreplay and afterplay.

I credit a pretty woman named Anne for this super-wise thought. If wife has any complaints about his lovemaking, keep silent until six months have passed. Time not only heals, but husband has six months to figure out what he should do better. When men—without being told—figure out what they should do, they do it.

Even though I’ve tried to describe how a wife can parlay bedtime into the ideal that prevents wandering, only the couple involved can figure out what works for them, what generates their treasure trove of marital delight. I wish good luck and God’s blessings to every couple.

808. Gender Differences Revisited — Group R

1. Couples shack up to test for sexual compatibility. Women deceive themselves. Men applaud themselves.
2. Men presume commitment but women don’t. Women need assurance and daily confirmation, if confirmed only by themselves.
3. Women expect men to be romantic, but romance slows a man’s conquering spirit. Men are as romantic as a woman requires before accepting foreplay or intercourse.
4. Both wives and husbands resent facing previous sex partners of their spouse. Wife loathes the other woman. Husband holds animosity for his wife.
5. Women crave frequent little things and remembrances to remind that their man is thinking of them. Men don’t.
6. Men depart a relationship with hope for a less involved one the next time. Women depart a relationship with conviction she can do better the next time.
7. Women easily expand their thinking from ‘me’ to ‘you and me’ and then to ‘us’ and even to ‘you come before me’. (It brightens her future.) Men are slow to grow that way and also backslide easily. (His interest lies with the present.)
8. Women easily love a man, but men love their work—or whatever they have to do to prove themselves to themselves.
9. To women, and mother knows best, a person’s character is more important than what that person does. Men lean toward the opposite.

801. Boob Language — Part 23

• Modern women attire their upper bodies as if boob quantity counts more than quality, as if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Modesty and unique breast line shaping reverse that thinking among men.
• No surprise: Exposed skin diverts his curiosity away from her non-sex attributes. Surprise: Sex satisfies his curiosity instead of shifting it onto her other qualities. 
• Modest attire, grooming, and non-sexed up attractiveness is the only thing other than ugliness that diverts his sex drive to the back of his mind. (Not to claim that’s all he thinks about, but that she should expect everything to remind him of it, and she controls best with feminine modesty AKA her signs and symbols of personal restraint and supposed disinterest.)
• The movies show women attacking a man to expedite getting to intercourse, for example ripping off his clothes. It’s probably good for box office draw, but in the real world such a woman voids that man’s respect. (He thinks: If she’s that eager for sex, she’ll not discriminate with whom she does it. So, I’m certainly not special, just a tool. But that’s alright for now; I’ll take it.)
• Women copy masculine practices. They rely on unappealing clothing and choose carefree or careless grooming. They go along to get along, and after conquest have to get up and go along.

798. Foreplay IV — Tips Again

A few more tips lead to closing this series:

• The later the cutoff of deepening foreplay, the greater the frustration. The greater the frustration, the less respect he holds for her, the less inclined she becomes to terminate foreplay the next time, and the closer they draw to intercourse.
• If she measures her sense of self-worth or his worthiness for her by her passions under foreplay pressures, he’s on the road to intercourse and she will perhaps lose him later rather than sooner.
• If he won’t respect body parts as untouchable when she seeks snuggling romance, does he respect her enough to love her? If he’s told to not touch or his wandering hands are moved, how does he react? Respectful withdrawal and restraint? Or, lack of restraint, persistence against her wishes, and disrespect?
• If he won’t honor her decisions regarding chasteness and allow her to prevent excess temptation, will he honor her other personal decisions once they marry? Don’t count on it.
• Foreplay is the best testing ground to prove that he’s worthy of her, to condition his thinking habits to accept her decisions. After marriage, or at least after romantic love fades in a year or two, few things will be more important to her than his respect for her opinions and decision-making.
• Think about a lengthy courtship. Gradual expansion of foreplay easily leads to sex before marriage. However, a firm stopping point can be negotiated and agreed to early in courtship. If he goes along and his devotion accepts conquest after marriage, she’s won the ballgame.

So, this series ends. Foreplay has been brought to a boil, condensed, and separated from romance, love, and female wishful thinking. It’s a great tool to show her wifely potential, but she has to exploit it.