Tag Archives: sexual freedom

2174. Dating in Mid-life — Part B6: Chaste vs. the Adultolescent


If a man indulges in a “side dish” while dating a woman to whom he has not pledged his exclusivity, what does it say about his character? Is he worthy of respect, and does he have the potential to be Mr. GoodEnough?

If a man is after a woman rather than just chasing her for sex, her insistence on chasteness works in dating and courtship. Some men, however, are unable to satisfy the expectations of women for physical fidelity during the dating/pre-courtship stage. They can’t remain loyal enough while a relationship develops, and they find ‘side dish’ (or two, or even three) for interim enjoyment. A reasonable but ultimately unsatisfying alibi exists, with roots that extend back to his childhood.

As an example, it happened to Her Highness Tooconfused. Nearing a year into a satisfying courtship and following the guidelines described on this blog, she discovered that he was wandering on her. Regular contact slowed and then stopped for a week. He returned without explanation. As she says, “He had been busy chasing and bedding a friend of a friend (small world heard it through the grapevine). Did they end up dating? No. The ’side dish’ was a once or twice night stand for him.” Judging him as insufficiently loyal, Tooconfused broke off. He kept trying to come back, but she declined without explanation.

What follows is mere speculation about her man. But, I describe an upbringing that will produce an adult male who thinks her man’s kind of dating behavior is normal.

This man appears to be an ‘adultolescent’. That is, physical adult and mental adolescent. He grew up without learning to be a mature adult. Parents are usually blamed, but it’s not the whole story.

First, children do not primarily shape their values, standards, and expectations from the examples set by parents. Absorption is only partial and can be very small when not exposed to parental care that includes these qualities that are admirable among boys: respect for the child as a person albeit a little one; respect for him as self-developer looking for ways to satisfy his self-interest; nurturing that satisfies but is appreciated only for real hurts; and leadership handling that the boy dislikes in the short-run, learns to admire before puberty, and then appreciates when delivered in coaching form during the teen years.

Children are self-developers. They learn and absorb what they want to. They follow their self-interest as far as adults permit. And they develop from what they learn and absorb, which usually comes mostly from other children, and some or many may be older. You can see it begin in three-year olds; they more easily pay attention to and associate more comfortably with children than adults. Consequently, kids are primarily the personality products of who they grew up with other than adults. (Old school moms knew it intuitively and restricted associating with certain kids. ♫ I remember it well. ♫)

Second, parents apply growing-up pressures but often the wrong kind. Parents, especially adultolescents themselves, often reinforce immature peer pressures. Tooconfused’s man likely experienced an upbringing similar to the following.

  • His parents may raise him to be a good or great child, rather than a prospective adult. They focus on how he performs and appears to others in fun and games, sports, grades, popularity, self-esteem, and childhood likeability rather than guiding his motivational urges toward adulthood. The difference in pressures that parents apply (outperform a cousin or the kid next door in sports, grades, popularity) and expectations he should meet (make mom and dad proud, make an all-star team) make parental life more involved and beneficial for parents and seemingly a more enjoyable upbringing for him. A good child reflects well on parents.
  • Or, his parents may ignore guiding his self-development so that he absorbs the values, standards, and expectations from TV idolatry, celebrity worship, and children with whom he associates. If neglected, parents may wonder but don’t much care that immature values govern his life.
  • Either way, his standards and expectations are shaped by trying to live more for the moment and less for the future. It reinforces the males’ primal urge to focus on the present and let the future come as it will. Live to think and act as a child rather than try to learn, absorb, and emulate more mature values and adult-like expectations, such as better planning for his future.
  • Raised to focus on short-range thinking rather than practice for long-range achieving, he enters puberty with no more guidance or parental expectation than to continue as a good kid. Perhaps he was indulged and spoiled, perhaps not. For the most part, the responsibilities up to which he is expected to step leave exceed his abilities. His sense of responsibility is too weak or short to prepare very well for his future. The present remains too simple or enjoyable to think of how to improve the prospects for adulthood. He can continue as he does now. He can handle it, or so he’s been conditioned to think.
  • He enters adolescence unprepared to exit as a mature adult. Too little assignment of responsibility that over time strengthens his sense of duty (making his bed, cleaning his room, helping mom without her asking). Too little reaching out for adult-like achievements. Too little stimulation of adult ambitions. Too little success achieving long-range goals. Too much enjoyment of teen fun and games. Too little self-discipline. Too little earned self-respect. Too many self-imposed pressures that push toward immediate rather than deferred gratification. Too much time spent learning to bend female thoughts to his will. Too much time studying how to convince girls to uncrossed their legs. Too much time spent indulging the irresistible attractions among females. All of that morphed into his normal behavior.
  • The adolescent focus just doesn’t aim at affirmatively learning how to be a responsible adult. It remains focused on immature behaviors and lessons learned that work well and improve popularity among peers. Thus, he passes through the emotional turmoil of puberty only to adopt beliefs based on peer associations and immature values and expectations. He confirms his childhood preparation and superiority as more desirable than parental hopes and dreams for his adolescence.
  • His early childhood prompted by the desire for him to be a good child left him with less than a full bag of adult values and beliefs, which was exacerbated by teen-peer influence focusing typically on excitement, adventurism, activism, and today’s sexual freedom. After age 21, he has little or no internal guidance except from childhood values and beliefs reinforced by mounting immaturity among his associates. (Leadership by example, even poor influence by peer associates, is always the most effective.)
  • Mature adult values not inculcated before puberty leave a vacuum to be filled by teen peers. His belief system finishes filling up with the only values he’s willing to accept, those more like his own. He seeks and associates with peers who think and act as he does.
  • Values and beliefs embedded before puberty last for life if reinforced in adolescence. In his case, beliefs based on values about being a good—but turns out to be irresponsible—child leave him handicapped with women. Unless adultolescent themselves, women expect to associate with men mature enough to be husbandly responsible and fatherly dependable.

In the end, both parents and peers shape the personalities of kids. Parents lay the groundwork, and once lain, peers influence heavily the shape the personality takes. Actually, peers by a wide margin predominate in the process. In the case above, his presence in the adult world is physical, but his heart and mind remain habitually influenced by teenage thinking and habits. Having a ‘side dish’ now and then is perfectly normal for his deeply embedded adolescent-minded values and beliefs.

The dish of chaste loyalty that Tooconfused served up, which required both delayed expectation and gratification, was not as appealing to him as the temptation of a ready-made side dish. After all, how important is loyalty to adolescents? She was mature; he was not. She was ready to exchange mutual loyalty; he couldn’t meet her expectations for very long.

Could he ever become devoted to one woman? Could he qualify as Mr. GoodEnough? That’s another story waiting to be told by the woman who tames such a man sufficiently well that he wants her more than any other. Tough, but it can be done. A few women are that determined, patient, hard-headed, and soft-hearted. I’ve made my best effort to explain what she faces.

P.S. You’re blessed today. Her Highness Cinnamon worked extensively to make this article more easily readable. I’m responsible, however, if you find fault with content. Guy

 

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2108. Soft-headed Sally


Women aren’t born soft-headed. Modern females’ soft-headedness leads them away from their best interests, into easy manipulation by men, and into self-delusion about the man each woman hopes to capture.

Soft-headed Sally thinks wrongly that sex bonds a man. She accepts a man’s words instead of taking time to judge his actions. She fails to recognize that he fills a different role, once they have sex together the first time.

SHS makes herself worthy of him instead of the other way around. She fails to call his bluff, when he threatens to drop her for being “hung up” about yielding sexually. She cannot separate a good man for carrying responsibility for others from a good man for fun and games. She cannot turn away from the self-centered man full of himself and venomous words that reduce her self-esteem and self-image and mine her self-interest for ways to make his life better.

SHS may try but is unable to teach young daughters how erotic attire arouses men many years older and may attract and easily incline some to stalk or become less inhibited about kidnapping, rape, and murder.

She fails to recognize that respect for women generally and deeper respect for his woman are the foundation of a man’s love of her. She cheapens herself by offering sex without his firmly committed obligations.

SHS believes in little except what others tell her, and so she falls for anything a man offers. She shapes her moral well-being around temporary feelings and hopes. She abandons the character shaping and guidance provided by God, religious morality, and her heart and will power. She is short of affirming self-esteem, -image, and -respect, so she cannot identify the lack of those conscience-shaping factors in a man.

She wants her own man so badly that she teams up with any male offer. She partners with a bad man and when dumped picks up with another loser, and then another…. She shapes her feelings around and with whomever she associates. She believes men are who they say they are.

She believes she can change a man, once she captures him with sex. She lives with endless hope that sex bonds him to her. She thinks that men are like women in their thinking, habits, and urge to constantly be together. She flaunts her co-dependency and faults her man when he has more important things to do. She too easily becomes jealous of the hold that his job has on him. That co-dependency is the enemy of their togetherness.

SHS calls herself victimized by drudgery when hubby fails to participate in household work, child care, and other domestic responsibilities and begrudges his independence from those things. And equal sharing of ‘drudgery’ is not enough. He should always do more. It’s not the work that puts her down but jealousy of his family role as lazy lounger when his workday ends. She can’t live with their different natures. The male nature makes a man satisfied with himself. After a completed day’s work, he turns to relaxation, rest, and restoration of energy for the next day. That, versus her female nature that urges her to brighten her tomorrows in spite of the endless string of things to do. He figures he does all he can today and will handle tomorrow whatever comes. She figures she has to plan/prepare for every contingency ahead; better to over than under prepare. Thus, SHS begrudges the side of her nature that directly supports her self-interest.

She is so caught up in romantic love that she lacks both knowledge and skill to generate a man’s enduring love for when romantic love fades. She assumes it fair and bonding to tell each other about their sexual histories, when she can do few things worse. It shrinks her uniqueness and fascination.

SHS fails to recognize that men evaluate her character and non-sex assets before they first have sex. Afterwards he pays less attention to what else she has to offer. (Hollywood and TV work diligently to hide this part of the male nature; they prefer to show the wishful but fruitless thinking of females. As a result, male dominance expands in the social and domestic arenas.)

She fails to comprehend that men as hunter-conquerors appreciate greatly that which fights back, must be wrestled under control, and ultimately yields to his courage, intensity, persistence, and imaginative design of ways to conquer. Sexual targets that do otherwise earn little or no respect from him.

She doesn’t know the steep price she pays for easily yielding sex the first time with him. Without making him work to be worthy of her, without testing him with everyday commitments, without making him spend time and effort in her company sans sex, she makes herself easy and his ego is not stroked with the joy of an earned victory. Easy-to-get sex earns her very little respect and even less holding power. Sex only satisfies his raw appetite. When his ego is deeply massaged by hunting and overcoming of all obstacles to conquering her, his self-respect, respect for her, and her holding power over him skyrocket. This still does not mean that he will stay with her, but she has no better form of insurance.

SHS cheapens sex by using it to capture men. This cheapens her. Men will hang around her until another sex target comes in view, and some may even go through the process of linking up, shacking up, and maybe marrying up. But, split up is not far behind the fade of romantic love.

Both Hard-hearted Hannah and Soft-headed Sally figuratively spit in the eye of their man. They feel pumped up with feminist theory and new ‘rights’ they now have, such as sexual freedom. Men buy into greater sexual freedom but not much else. Compensated with frequent, convenient, and unobligated sex, men go along for the ride. But, the ride does not include the respect, honor, devotion, and dedication that females expect to see from their spouse.

 

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2094. Domestic Indigestion—Don’t Blame Men


The politically inspired Feminism movement persuaded women to change their behavior relative to men. Unintended consequences inevitably arose for the public but were expected by political activists seeking to change America.

It’s their nature; men do whatever females require in order to have frequent and convenient access to sex. Before Feminism emerged, men expected to marry for life and responsibly provide for family. Females admired and respected the male gender even more than their own. Males reciprocated. Women rewarded men for responsible husbanding and fathering, and men got what they wanted for giving up their freedom. Girls developed hopes and dreams and learned to screen teen boys for aptitude, talent, and skill to fulfill their dreams.

That female-friendly culture went under attack and the tear-down really took hold in the 1960s. Women’s Liberation advocates and the feminazis* called men relationship misfits, inadequate as mates, and unnecessary for the fulfillment of females. They mocked men as insensitive and overbearing. They sought to change the males’ natural dominance with legal, political, and economic initiatives. They dedicated to kill patriarchy.

Full-fledged feminists, acolytes, advocates, and admirers took up finger-pointing, male bashing, and condemnation of most things masculine. Political correctioneers arose to push forward on their ideology. Over time men fulfilled the prophecy. They became what they were called, accused of, and treated. With the Pygmalion Effect jumpstarted, the self-fulfilling prophecy fulfilled.

Men are now accused to be relationship misfits, blamed as inadequate mates, and determined to be uninterested and inadequate to fulfill female interests, hopes, and dreams. Compatibility as couples too easily bursts into flames. Pleasantness has dissolved as a cardinal point on society’s compass. Political correctness replaces the good common sense embedded in the female nature. But men get plenty cheap and easy sex.

Mutual respect dies. Neither gender respects the other more than their own, as they once did. Men don’t respect the female gender, largely because women show insufficient respect for the male gender and do little or nothing to protect their sexual assets. Feminists try to alter the nature of men, but they fail. Hormones continue to trump intentions, whether good or bad. But men get plenty cheap and easy sex.

Women provide unmarried sex more freely than ever before. Their need for a boyfriend, lover, or husband drives them. She rewards a man before he earns her by proving his worth for her, which means that her worth declines because so few set out to earn her. Little demand means less worthy and prices sink, which means men do less on behalf of women. But men get plenty cheap and easy sex.

Each woman’s value continues to decline in social, romantic, and domestic arenas. Feminists call it Sexual Freedom. Men call it GREAT! Non-feminist women arrive in greater numbers to populate the multiplex of misery where self-respect is dealt mortal blows by unwanted singleness, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, despair, depression, divorce, gloom. But men get plenty of cheap and easy sex.

Husbands abandon wives. They escape women who demean manly accomplishments and importance as they have been inspired by decades of trying to change men. Even older husbands capitalize by pursuing trophies. They long for the excitement they missed as teens. They seek to restore their significance with a young thing they can train to suit them. But men get plenty of cheap and easy sex.

Wives abandon husbands to keep from being dumped, to jumpstart legal proceedings, to maximize financial benefits. But men get plenty of cheap and easy sex.

Thus, modern women compensate men for doing what women don’t want. Gentlemanly behavior is dead. Male sexual freedom shows few restraints. Erotic attire spreads the urge to merge. Female-friendly morals deteriorate. Male character strengths weaken as less family responsibility provides less reinforcement. Strong sense of family responsibility melts alongside single women without hopes and dreams. But men get plenty of cheap and easy sex.

Men continue as their nature enables and empowers them to ignore female-friendly values, standards, and expectations. They do whatever women require for frequent and convenient access to sex but not much else. It’s so much cheaper for males, because females now absorb the high cost of cheap sex and men get so much more of it.

Unfortunately, the feminist-darkened social culture forces the majority of women to pay the full price after split up. Less respect for men and social values about sexual freedom push women where they don’t want their relationships to go. They turned men into insensitive clods and fuzzy-headed mates. Having bought into an ideology spawned by political activists declaring war on men,  what more should women expect?

As society proceeds more toward collectivism, individualism dies. Political leaders and activists govern what happens to individuals by causing the collective to deteriorate and become more dependent on politicians. So, obviously unknown to women because they don’t fight back, the character of politicians determines the character of the public. As the quality of character fades collectively, the quality of individual character follows and so does life for everyone. But men get plenty cheap and easy sex to compensate them to not object.

 

——

* Rush Limbaugh coined the feminazi term to describe the dozen or so radicals that birthed Feminism out of the Women’s Liberation political movement. Nothing more is intended here.

Editor’s note: This is a rewrite of article 157. Dark Side of Feminism—Part 11 published 4/4/2008. Over six years ago and conditions worsen.

 

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1998. Compatibility Axioms #443 — She Duplicates Men


443. Women generate incompatibility when they endorse male values by copying masculine behavior. Their short-range wishes torpedo their long-range thinking. Their future begins to melt and they later morph into the multiplex of singleness, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, despair, depression, divorce, gloom, and misery. (I don’t argue against the comfort or convenience, but only how such things affect men and weaken respect for women generally and each one individually.) A few examples of wrongful copying:

  • Women too easily and too often discard lovely and attractive feminine attractiveness. They copy men with tee shirts, careless hairdos, black or dull and ragged clothes, tattoos, piercings. [152]
  • Either not caring or presuming the right to argue in his face, women compete against their man after conquest, when the male nature expects only cooperation from a conquered woman. [152]
  • Women adopt masculine-style sexual freedom. They let men get by dodging personal commitments, domestic obligations, and responsible habits. Lack of time before conquest prevents words of commitment rising to actions of devotion. Being given frequent and convenient access to sex without marital obligation, men don’t have to provide the extra-female-friendly things that truly benefit women as custom and each woman in particular. [152]
  • By absorbing feminist politics, women condemn the masculine nature while turning off or tuning out their female nature. [152]
  • If she can depend on herself, she doesn’t need him. If that happens, she’s not grateful for him. If that happens, he’s not interested in staying with her beyond the eagerness of romantic love. [152]
  • Women discard feminine mystique. They quit using old school hard-to-get. They mistakenly expect that men appreciate a woman’s sacrifice of her sexual assets. With so little to do to score, men sun themselves later in boredom instead of pleasing women as women wish they could be pleased. [152]
  • Women plead for mutual and meaningful full disclosure, but men have no obligation for being as accurate as women expect. Men hear weakness in her disclosures and use it to get her into bed. It fine tunes men to deal openly but with no obligation for either candidness or honesty. [152]
  • Exposing her weaknesses before conquest reduces the size and intensity of the fascination and promise he sees in her that guides him to the altar. [152]
  • Women think everything should be more equal, so they upstage men by initiating sex. Men welcome it, but it short-circuits or at least weakens a man’s respect that is so essential for enduring love to develop as romantic love fades. [152]
  • Experience with many sex partners hardens a woman’s heart. It makes her cynical, suspicious, and unable to like herself enough to hold a man very easily. [152]

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1982. Compatibility Axioms #431-440


431. Women expect men to love as females do, but it’s another gene of inequality. Chromosome math always applies for true love:  xx ≠ xy. [148]
432. The woman so narrow-minded as to enter shack up or marriage based solely on romantic love and his words of commitment will likely join the ex crowd. Lesser but more female things over which she presides determine success at living together.  [148]
433. Women too eager for marriage accept a man’s verbal commitment, which does not stand the test of either time or other sex objects. [148]
434. To partake of promiscuous sexual freedom, women destroy the virtues that inspire a man to prove himself worthy of a woman. [148]
435. Twice-burned as an ex means she chooses losers instead of winners, ruins the winners with whom she partners, or both. [148]
436. When thinking as men do, women lose their relationship management expertise. Female bosses demo it. [148]
437. When women blame men for relationship ills, they refuse to focus on and consider their own faults. It makes their life simpler but not easier, more frustrating and less happy. [148]
438. Cheating husbands are blamed for breaking vows. However, other women complete the hook up. As with unmarried pregnancy, males are blamed for what females control. Thus, ever enlarging disrespect for the opposite sex emerges and grows out of female sexual freedom. [149]
439. A woman that makes herself easy or convenient for unmarried sex tells a man subliminally that her value is minimal, she’s common. Every other woman can do what she does. So, extra-ordinariness doesn’t accrue to her. Each man seeks to marry an extraordinary woman. [149]
440. Women feel lonely and fear more of the same. To ease their anxiety, they provide sex without testing a new man’s interest for other than sex. They come across as desperate, and it undermines or kills a man’s respect. [149]

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1971. Compatibility Axioms #381-390


381. People highly value the unavailable or unattainable. The ultimate result of male pursuing female boils down to one question. What’s her ‘price’ to be sexually available to him? The higher her price, the greater her perceived value, and the greater his effort must be to discover her price, earn her acceptance, and decide whether or not to pay it. (It’s a major reason her sexual history should be none of anyone else’s business.) [136]

382. Repeated refusals for first-time sex together make her appear unattainable. Relative, of course, to how determined she defends herself. Each refusal escalates her value, keeps him guessing, and pushes him to try harder. If she holds out long enough, her continually rising price makes him consider whether she’s worth her ultimate price—most likely marriage. [136]

383. Men feast with their eyes. The higher her price, the more attractiveness she adds to whatever he already perceives of her. Strengthened desire works much like a few martinis with these exceptions: Attractiveness enhanced by martinis doesn’t last. Attractiveness loses its captivating appeal after conquest. Conquerors view the conquered in a much different light.[136]

384. Expectant conquerors wonder: What’s her price to be sexually accessible to other men? Virtual virginity signals she’s not active. If he can’t penetrate her defenses, other men can’t either. After all, he’s First Stud in his eyes. [136]

385. Before conquest, if she’s unwilling or unable to match wits and wills to hold him off, his dominance will always prevail in their relationship. Before conquest is both her testing and proving ground for what their relationship future looks like. [136]

386. Wives cheat on their husband and expect him to respond as women do. It doesn’t work. When he cheats, she wants to know. When she cheats, he wants to go.  [137]

387. Women should be but don’t seem to be haunted by these questions: Do younger women attract husbands away from their wives? Or do wives lose their ability to hold their man? Or, do wives drive husbands away? Women automatically blame husband or his new attraction. Wives proclaim themselves to be innocent and victimized. Flooding the wife with peer empathy and sympathy, friends and family help restore emotional letdown or breakdown. The rest of the story isn’t explored, because feminists inspired women to not listen to men about man things. (IMHO, this sums it up. Husbands wander away from wives because the wife is no longer the woman they married.) [137]

388. Conquered women lack the allure of attractive unconquered ones. She may be a good lay or good wife or both, but the attractive and unconquered still attract men. To hold a man’s devotion, a woman must compensate for his giving up his independence, reward him for husbanding and fathering. Instead, modern women view as unfair this inequality of Nature. Thus, they ignore, demean, or lose focus on their natural abilities to capture and hold onto one man. [137]

389. Successful marriage requires relationship management. Women qualify as experts, but men don’t. Men are too easily seen as culprit, plus they lack the soft relationship skills to restore marital peace. It’s much simpler and easier for husbands to let masculinity steer them away from one woman. Consequently, it takes an expert’s best efforts to overcome his hormonal urges. Once again, life ain’t fair, but women want a permanent mate more than the reverse. [137]

390. The female gender has made itself politically, morally, and socially entitled to masculine-style sexual freedom. It’s a major cause of so much trouble trying to keep a man’s devotion. When many women act sexually unattached, wives too easily become suspect in the eyes of their husband. He knows what other men are after. Can he remain positive that she’s different from other women? Consequently, casual sexual practices within the sisterhood poison faithful marriages. [137]

 

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1965. Compatibility Axioms #351-360


NOTE: I report only on social and domestic relations and not legal, political, or economic arrangements wrought by Feminism.
351. Feminism is the philosophy of envy of men, the creed of anger at men, and the gospel of politics-first over men. Its inherent virtue equalizes female unhappiness for those living with a man.
352. Feminist doctrine: Don’t listen to what men have to say about the female sex. They’re jealous, biased, and besides that they are the enemy. [127]
353. Feminists blame character flaws for men that cheat. Women who cheat, however, are not flawed; they are justified by the inequities of patriarchy.
354. Without non-prostitute women to provide sex to married men, lack of opportunity pressures husbands to remain physically faithful whether they like it or not. [127]
355. Feminists insist on equal sharing of housekeeping and childcare responsibilities. Equality to feminists means they get their way. The process of seeking it, however, weakens mutual devotion. Being impossible to mutually achieve, the drive for equality both causes and sustains friction in a relationship. [127]
356. Feminists listen only to women about both men and Feminism. They ignore its impact on the male nature and blame men for not acting as women say they should, would, or could. [127]
357. Feminists convince females to abandon old school maturity-before-sex in favor of new school sex-before-maturity. Men get what they want most. Women gain sexual freedom, but they lose much of their natural ability to hold onto a mate. [127]
358. Feminism teaches women to rationalize a superior role for females, celebrate their independence from men, and compete against their man. It justifies a self-centered competitive rather than an us-centered cooperative spirit. Filling such a role belittles a man’s sense of significance, the loss of which is his greatest fear and especially with his mate. [127]
359. Feminists actively honor sexual freedom. Men relish the proliferation of uncommitted sex, but the Marrying Man seeks something very different. [127]
360. Feminists claim female independence as a woman’s right. Men let them have it and feel relieved at the consequent watering down of family responsibility. [127]

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