Tag Archives: couples

2266. A Man’s Love: The Reality of It


I define love as what holds them together as a couple. With her it’s emotional connections, obligations, and behaviors. With him, well…we’ll see.

I purposely bypass the importance of her attractiveness or the rest doesn’t happen. Also, I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.

A woman identifies the evident or imagined commitment and devotion of a man as his love of her. Men act differently. Not that her love isn’t appreciated, but manly love isn’t like female expressions of it.

A man identifies a woman’s love of him as the reciprocal of his love of her; it initiates in his heart and develops mutually or it isn’t love to him. His love is her likeability to him and his loyalty to her; plus his likeability to her and her loyalty to him. To his logical and reasoning mind, without reciprocity it isn’t his love. Also, he doesn’t remain in situations where his investment isn’t matched or bettered, so his love isn’t as anchored in deep emotion as that of a woman.

For a marriage to last, their mutual likeability and mutual loyalty should regularly confirm them as satisfied with their mating arrangement. It’s what a married man expects. It carries an ominous meaning for women unless they learn how to exploit their relationship expertise.

However hard and dedicated she tries, her love alone isn’t enough to sustain her marriage. It’s essential for her to show it or her love of husband fades, but it isn’t enough for him. Appreciated and perhaps honored, but not enough.

It begs the question: What else is needed? She aims her words, expressions of love, and other behaviors toward objectives that satisfy or confirm the following or at least don’t weaken or contradict them.

  • Remaining likeable in his eyes.
  • Keeping herself appearing loyal to him.
  • Treating him as if he’s very likeable to her.
  • Appreciating his loyalty to her.

All of which he should see in actions more than words. If she’s successful doing all that, he absorbs confirmation that their love is mutual and that he’s doing the right thing staying with her. Good return on investment of his independence.

Which of course begs this question: What does she get in return for her investment? Something other than separation and perhaps lifetime marital success. A better husband, which suggests she’s a better wife. Perhaps a man more enthused about family responsibility. Confirmation that her effort makes her important to their relationship. Being more easily loved and perhaps with a happier husband eager to display his affection.

The list could go on to greater satisfaction for her. She’s doing what it takes to keep her man directly involved in the mating scheme of life. It’s not likely to go wrong unless she begrudges doing what is required for success, which registers as her lack of likeability of and disloyalty to him and ends his love.

P.S. Men inherit at birth the way they love as described above. It’s up to the women in their lives—moms, chaste girls, bachelorettes, and wives—to teach them to love in ways more pleasing to women.

——

NOTE: There! It sounds again as if I alibi for men. No intent to do so. Just trying to figure out the truth of life. The more I figure out how men and women interact as couples, the more burdensome it seems for women. But, I’m reassured by this fact. It’s why they are the superior gender; they have all the talent, skill, and fortitude to shape their lives successfully in pursuit of their girlhood hopes and dreams. They just need to learn how to use their God-given, natural, and hormonal strengths.

Respectfully,

Guy

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Blog 2252 — Her Wrinkles are Good


Her Highness Beloved at 2251 probably doesn’t realize she paid me the kindest compliment. She enabled me to think through a troublesome problem, that of wives blaming loss of husbands on female aging. I use facial wrinkles as the most prominent symbol that women use of their aging.

The sexes age very differently. For this article, I reduce it to two major causes and effects. She loses her youthful appearance and tries to restore it. He loses his sexual ability and tries to rejuvenate it. Out of shame, ignorance, and lack of concern of the other’s nature, they don’t try to compensate together but instead do unhelpful things for their marriage.

Sir Eric recently pointed out that men are primarily attracted to youthful looking females with narrow waists that produce an ‘hour-glass’ appearance. True, but those two factors take on a simpler role in marriage. (She’s already conquered and his urge to conquer others is quieted by marital obligation.)

Her youthfulness is a major part of the glue of their togetherness; it reminds him of his youthful capability or what he wishes he still had. She’s great to have around as reminder of what he once was and had for looks and ability. He sees her change, more from mature actions than appearance. Her wrinkles are not central, just a very small part of her morphing image. Nowhere near the importance that she gives them.

Nevertheless, she blames her wrinkles as losing her beauty and believes that he—were he not so considerate—also thinks the same. Consequently, women overreact about wrinkle development. They easily get lost hoping to find a way to ease their personal pain in hope of assuaging husband’s regret which doesn’t exist.

Her hour-glass waist attracts primarily for sex. Her body attracts his. She’s great to have around as reminder of what he once was and had in bed. Body wrinkles don’t interfere much with sex. The really important things to men don’t change that much with age: lips, vagina, clitoris, eyes, ears, hair, breasts, plus cute or appealing mannerisms she displays during sex. Body wrinkles interfere with touch, perhaps, but a man’s body is also changing before his eyes and aging becomes acceptable with adjustments to expectations.

The Wifely Dilemma. That’s the surface but not the whole story. It deserves expansion of thought because women use wrinkles as an alibi for being cheated on or abandoned. IOW, they let wrinkles motivate them to do wrong things for marriage.

  • Female vanity has a natural purpose. By paying close attention to making herself look her best, she learns to live with, deal with, and adjust to accepting the wrinkling that comes with age. The absence of daily attention, facial care, and mirror time turns wrinkles into a much bigger deal than warranted. (The more they are looked at, the less important they become.)
  • Youthful appearance attracts and holds a man’s interest because it helps justify loving her. Tiny waist attracts him sexually and sex with her confirms his continued interest and love. (Unsuccessful sex casts doubt on his decisions about loving her. I know, women don’t let unsuccessful sex stop their loving their man. But men love very differently from women.)
  • Gracious aging reminds a husband how smart he was to team up with her. She continues to be the gal for whom he gave up his independence. (When husband thinks about his or her aging, wrinkles play no part; too many other things are more important to the masculine side of married life.)
  • As couples age, other emotional connections develop and reinforce a marriage around other than youthful appearance. The sexual hopes and dreams of men do not age but their sex drive declines. So, late in marriage, a thin waist is more appealing to a husband than a youthful face, which means that wrinkles don’t damage the marital landscape nearly as much as overeating for many years.
  • The husbandly view of wives fits this model for life. When they met, he found her emotionally attractive, loyal and likeable as a promising fit for his personality and ambitions, and married her on that basis. Her sexual attractiveness held him spellbound until conquest and subsequent sexual relations reinforced her likeability. Simple, two factors. 1) Her loyalty and likeability confirmed his love and brought him into marriage. 2) Their sexual relations confirm his wisdom about 1).
  • As they age, youthfulness and waist size merge to become part of their relationship. 1) Her loyalty and likeability continue to hold him and wrinkles play no part. 2) Sexual relations deteriorate with his aging and he forever looks for ways to restore his vigor with imaginative prods to his libido. Her sexual ability doesn’t age although her interest may, which may discourage her from helping husband restore his sexual thought and vitality in bed.
  • Husbands neither dump wives nor chase trophies because of wrinkles, so wives do better when they rethink their relationship management style and practice and perhaps calm their ego in the process.
  • Men take aging as inevitable and wrinkles for granted. Of course, women can’t stand being taken for granted, and so they imagine all kinds of spousal discrimination as they pass through middle age and into senior-ville. It’s wasted effort; far better for wives to focus on more meaningful shortcomings that may have crept into their marital persona.
  • Women resent their wrinkles as taking away their beauty. Nature works quite contrary to that. It compensates and better than a face lift too. Men see it this way. Face lifts may remove wrinkles but they also remove lines that add character that nature uses to replace youthfulness with dignity and virtuous maturity. Men prefer signs of strong character to faux youthfulness. They can’t respect what appears to be phony and face lifts produce that impression however subliminal it may be.
  • Wives like to believe that men abhor wrinkles. It provides an alibi. Changes in appearance due solely to aging are beyond her responsibility, so she has an excuse for letting both appearance and relationship deteriorate as if caused by aging. She can blame him as finding fault with her aging and ignore the other things that displease husbands.
  • Woman-think does not make men think like women. That her appearance changes solely from aging means little to men. However, husbands begrudge bad habits that produce less desire for sex or that make them appear as suckers or worse to their masculine peer competitors.
  • If men ever claim a lady’s wrinkles to be offensive, something much deeper and drawn out over time is behind it; wrinkles are the facade. The male nature urges men to motivate themselves to move forward with what they have and not get hung up on what they can’t change. Aging is easily acceptable to men, although the male ego sometimes gets in the way of his aging graciously (e.g., outlandish mid-life crisis.)
  • If husband loves wife, her aging fits right in with his. He’s not going to cheat or dump her because of her wrinkles. Husbands dump wives because they lose their likeability and loyalty to their man. Just one example, he stays in excellent shape and health and she lets herself go to hell in a handbasket. It’s not her aging per se. It’s her unwillingness to stay abreast of his lifestyle—in this example—that means much to him and for which the relationship expert must accept responsibility.
  • Men expect and live easily with slow aging and deliberate acceptance. Except, perhaps, when their woman goes overboard spending hard-earned money—unnecessarily to men—for face lift and other appearance changes the pursuit of which changes her role in his life to that of someone he didn’t marry.

The Single Woman’s Dilemma.

  • I disclose a bias. I personally favor tummy tucks as more appealing to husbands and am against face lifts because they are more appealing to wives. To me, the former aids compatibility and the latter weakens it. Money spent on compatibility is more beneficial than that spent on the female ego. But that’s just this man’s opinion.
  • As for single women, I don’t fault face lifts. But women should be advised of this. To remove wrinkles for the sake of being differently attractive for the next guy can be beneficial. If her reason is to like herself better, it won’t be beneficial and she’s wasting money.

Pardon, ladies. I’ve made a bigger thing out of facial wrinkles than I initially intended. But I don’t have the time to shorten it.

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2243. FEMININE


Surfercajun at 2239 inquired about feminine. Here’s my response.

We’re talking about men, so surprise, surprise. Feminine is not who or what she is, it’s who and what men perceive her to be. Which means she is whoever and whatever his curiosity, imagination, and conscious thought make her out to be. It makes sense but why do I mention it talking to women?

To make this point: Whoever and whatever you think you are, however beautiful, great, and praise-worthy you may be to yourself and those who know you, you’re still just a sexually available female to all men until you prove otherwise to each and every man who wants to bed you. Insensitive and tactless, perhaps I am, so forgive me. I’m on track to make a connected point.

Feminine is the totality of the female creature that serves to hold a man permanently. Not beauty, not sexual attractiveness, not career greatness, not laudable behavior. Feminine is most important because it includes the others in the male mind. Too simplified, perhaps, but I continue on track to the next point.

Feminine is complex to females but simple to males who visualize it in mind and heart; of course every man is different. Consequently, there are no perfect attributes that make a woman feminine. There are only attributes aimed at turning on masculine curiosity, imagination, and conscious thought that most likely generate the maximum interest in you out of every man. The more men attracted to you, then the merrier for you. It provides you with the greatest number of opportunities to find AND KEEP the man of your dreams. The more feminine you appear to each man, the more likely the man of your dreams will crave to spend his life with you. Men compete; the more one man wants you the more the next one does too. It’s up to women to make that last sentence mean HER more than sex.

Three main characteristics appeal to men. Feminine mystique, female modesty, and monogamous spirit. When her other features, traits, and behaviors emphasize those three, she shows up as very feminine to the greatest number of men. Examples follow of what each characteristic consists of in the eyes of men.

Feminine mystique. She’s so short of being totally understandable it’s not worth his effort to try; she’s acceptable as is. (Exaggerated, yes, but men don’t have to understand their woman nearly as much as women have to understand their man).

She’s an enigma, not the least bit of a male thinker. Unpredictable about even the smallest things. Composed when she should be upset. Upset when composure is called for. Independent on matters about which she should be dependent and vice versa. Curious when uncalled for because whatever was the matter is now resolved. Dumb about the simplest and surprisingly knowledgeable about the complicated. Surprisingly adroit when she needs to be, but not afraid to admit being uninformed.

Expresses her pride through mothering and nurturing and not through trying to outdo him. Doesn’t show off even when she deserves to do so. Can love even those whom she doesn’t respect. Can admire a man’s strength and learn to support or rely on it even after it fails him. Can forgive easily (he forgets to ask or notice if she can forget).

Can out-compete the toughest people but chooses to outwit and outsmart rather than out-fight. No one’s too big for her. She’s feisty but it’s a rare occasion when she shows it, because she’s so well respected even by fairly important people.

She isn’t hesitant; in fact she’s pleased to inspire him with a new hint of mystery. It prompts him to think. Why is a woman so willing to do what this wise woman recommends as part of being feminine. Superslaviswife suggests that women exhibit “An openness to new experiences and places that tells him she can accommodate him in her life. And an eagerness to share those experiences with him and be a part of his life.”

Female modesty. Under the guise of modesty, she controls her life according to her best interest. She looks and acts modestly, which means attractively with minimal attention to sexual features and the absence of sexually suggestive behavior. Fashionable and classy attractiveness signify that she’s unique, which is a logical step toward fascination.

Modesty is her most significant weapon of defense against masculine intrusions in her life. Such as, time to ponder elsewhere (powder room), break away from excess passion, turn a blind eye to offensive behavior, flee or slap someone when her sensibilities are threatened, and justify not explaining herself or complaining about others.

Modesty enables her to evade having to defend or protect her values, standards, and expectations. Thus, she can leave men thinking they have won whatever mental battle just transpired; she defers to him when he wouldn’t defer to her, which effectively steals his victory and adds further mystery to her. She’d rather retreat now and gain advantage for next time.

Monogamous spirit. His woman’s physical infidelity is the greatest assault on a man’s dignity, self-respect, respect of other men, and sense of significance. Every evaluation of a marriage candidate’s character, features, and behaviors is done with this thought top of mind: Will she be faithful to me? Until he proves YES to himself, he is unlikely to propose.

Consequently, a boyfriend’s interests and interrogations spotlight everything connected with her future faithfulness. Her appearance, emotion, behavior, and sexual history hold clues for his detection. When he’s not working on the subject directly, his subconscious mind is alert to things that might even hint at future unfaithfulness. Notice this, he’s not looking for signs of fidelity but infidelity. He accepts faithful based on lack of evidence to suggest unfaithful.

The feminine woman’s attitude includes support and clear thinking about monogamy, marriage, trust, respect, commitment, and devotion. It can easily shape his thinking to her advantage. Her support and promise of love means little for his assessing her for being faithful to him. It’s too easy for her to fall in love with someone else or have one still lingering in her heart. Men are not all that trusting of love and its promises.

Feminine. The truly feminine woman—if men were so inclined but they’re not—would regularly receive from every man she encounters compliments about subjects other than sex. Because men are so disinclined to compliment a woman unless they want something, women have to compliment themselves about their femininity (mirror time, anyone?), belief in themselves, and confidence they are doing right for themselves. With that foundation, women can much more easily attract good men and then weed out those who act in ways contrary to their self-interest. The Marrying Man likes to lurk until he spots the likeliest of candidates for his taste. I submit to you that femininity is his greatest magnet.

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1946. Indirectness: A Wife’s Most Effective Strategy


Even within compatible couples, the masculine preference for directness easily causes confrontation and even more so when women use it. The feminine talent and skill for cooperation makes women the relationship experts and gives birth to their preference for using indirectness. Without it, the man’s game of competition overpowers the woman’s game of cooperation and male dominance reigns at the expense of female dignity.

Women are born with immense talent and skill to use indirectness as a successful technique for dealing with men. It calls for tactics, expectations, and calculated responses centered on someone else in ways that encourage their cooperation.

Indirectness prioritizes patience over impatience, niceness over spitefulness, subtle over obvious, deferred over immediate gratification, calm and smooth talk over harsh chatter, and simpering rather than her spouting orders. It also calls for no insistence on getting her way at this time, delaying arguments until no longer needed, accepting loss of arguments to fight another day and way, finding gratitude rather than fault, smiling when frowns are expected, not complaining about her problems but asking directly for help and pleasantly depending on whatever ‘rescue’ he provides.

Women love easily. It causes grateful wives to predominately live according to their natural soft-heartedness. They routinely rely on it rather than their natural hard-headed ability. Indirectness capitalizes on that tendency. It enables wives to brighten their futures by enabling their husbands to dominate the present. Thus, the relationship expert generates the compatibility that lasts forever.

Translating all that into directness, she empowers herself to rule the rooster while enabling him to rule the roost, which offends a man until years later when he learns the truth and worth of it, which is why the hopes, dreams, and rewards a wife longs for come so much later in marriage.

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1748. Sex Differences Redux — Part 02: Their Wants


Post 1747 started re-describing the foundation principles that undergird this blog. Today, we continue with results of how God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize women and men.

Her Wants:

  • A woman does not absolutely need a man, but she wants company or assistance at specific times in life.
  • Her primal want is for a solid relationship with someone stronger and more influential in shaping events that affect her and her children.
  • She wants help to brighten her future in a society dominated by powerful people, unexpected events, and catastrophes.
  • She wants comfort in needy times and companionship for prevention of loneliness.
  • Intuitively, she favors one man, because two will not knowingly share her except that one on the sly may cuckold another.

His Wants:

  • A man wants the freedom to do as he chooses and especially make himself stand out among others as unique, as a competitor, as a person of significance.
  • He seeks the freedom to lay with her or play with her, to hunt or punt, rest or nest, read or lead, think or drink, farm or harm, glean or lean, produce or reproduce, or just do something new or exciting—especially in the spare time he earns from working at his job.
  • His pastimes may or may not include his woman, which is a good endorsement of long courtships to form more mutual pastimes.

Their greatest fears and compatible focus on time are next with post 1749.

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793. Commitment and Devotion Revisited


Reorganized, clarified, and reissued as #1817.

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768. Beware Red Flags — Part 4


Yesterday’s post was about in-laws and today it’s about the couple.

Take what follows as his potential as mate and not damnation of him as person. Perception is reality. If you see red flags waving, he may be Mr. Wrong. If not, however, it doesn’t make him Mr. Right.

The flavor of the list conveys all-out suspicion, but it’s not intended that way. It’s about you becoming more perceptive in the course of everyday life.

·        Are his promises of commitment confirmed by actions that show devotion? If not, it’s probably too early to commit yourself.

·        Do his actions match his words and vice versa? Major deviance can spell dishonesty, phoniness, lack of integrity, or all of the above. Minor differences indicate need for your greater analysis.

·        Does he have less education and earn less money than you? If yes, a super-beware is in order. It won’t bother you, but it will eat away at his dignity. Sooner or later he’ll hold it against you, especially the money bit. Moreover, it’s a set of pressures that push men toward someone else.

·        Does he seek to earn your devotion with his actions or with words? Trust his actions but verify his words.

·        Observe what he does when he thinks you’re not watching. You’ll learn much more than from his words.

·        Pay attention to what he does. Those things are important to him. If you complain, offenses against you that he doesn’t repeat can still return after conquest or marriage. So, you should find ways to assess his sincerity. (Again, just be more perceptive about everything without being suspicious of him.)

·        Watch for shady or unsteady character. His actions much more than words accurately reflect his role in your life. (Ideal roles look like this: You see much evidence of his devotion through his actions, and you devote to him in his working role, aka his missions in life. Mutual commitment and moral obligations work best as subsets that support mutual devotion.)

In the end you still have to decide. Love often overrides reason, but before it happens you should assess red flags that may forecast undesirable consequences. The final installment of this series flies tomorrow.

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