Tag Archives: wife

2329. Suggestions for Raising Children — Part III

Strategic Parenting Shapes the Family Environment

Theme:  It’s the wife and not the mother that keeps a father in the home.

Whatever children learn well before puberty that makes them feel good about themselves, you can expect to last for life. If they learn and feel good acting as adults albeit immature, they are not nearly as vulnerable to teen peer pressure.

  1. Organize first. Arrange family thinking around dual roles for each adult. That is, four roles and with this rank structure: husband, wife, mother, father. Each ‘reports’ to the one next left. The most vital role is the wife. Her responsibility is home and family. She catches it from both sides and is the only one capable and therefore most responsible for coordinating family efforts and trying to orchestrate harmony.
  2. Start with good material. Good father-candidates are identified by their character and willingness to follow this model in the home: Husband bosses wife but mother bosses father. If husband has issues with the kids, he takes it up with his wife and not with the kids themselves. His leadership is most effective when he never imposes it directly except to back up his wife as she does her mothering thing. He stays above the fray of getting children to do what they’re supposed to do and not do. (I know you don’t like “bosses,” but nothing else works in so few words. Two cooks spoil the pie. Two bosses ruin an organization. Wife-mother is in the middle, so let her direct the home orchestrations to achieve harmony. She reports to husband for her performance in raising children, and expects him as father to help and not interfere with her ‘bossing’ them. IOW, husband tells wife what he expects and then as father he enjoys what mother has produced.)
  3. Recruit a better-than-good man. One who has the patience to accept the reality that mom can’t immediately change a child’s excursions into what or where they shouldn’t go just to please her husband’s expectations. If he frustrates easily over small things, put him back in the parade. He likely will harangue his wife or their mother just because he’s irritated or angry with himself. Red flag.
  4. Build the family attitude. Base and continually promote respect for each other first as person, then as male/female, then according to their respective roles and responsibilities within the family. Then, follow up the teaching and promoting with heapings of love spread evenly among all members. Without mutual respect first however, mutual love is seldom achieved.
  5. Moms shouldn’t suffer. Mother has the hardest time earning mutual respect. She earns it easiest and best this way. a) She keeps the children advised that most importantly she’s the wife of and responsible to her husband. It’s easier to earn the respect of others when you live up to someone bigger than yourself. Such as wife up to husband and children up to parents. b) As mother, she’s responsible for the upbringing of her children. c) She has the constant approval of husband as the kids see it. As much as husband displays lack of respect for his wife, it weakens respect of children for mother. (It happens most easily when father sides with the kids against mom. He elevates father over mother and it undercuts his wife, which displays lack of respect and reduces kids’ respect of mother.)
  6. Disagreement stifles. Effective parents never let the kids see them disagree over decisions about them. Permission to do this or that, for example. The first parent to make a decision, the other backs them. Parents subsequently take it behind closed door to resolve differences. Otherwise, children learn to play one parent against the other, which makes parenting much more difficult.
  7. The right target beckons. Raise children to be good adults and they will turn out to be average or good children. Raise them aimed at becoming great children and they will turn out to be poor or less-than-average or poor adults.
  8. The future beckons. Always focused on the future, mothers predominantly shape behaviors by shaping childish thoughts into more mature thoughts. ‘Stop that and learn this’ type of leadership. Parents do best by helping rather than directing a child’s aspirations and ambitions and aiming them toward adulthood instead of some earlier period in life such as adolescence.
  9. Self-developers emerge. Children develop best when they and peers organize playtime activities. Parental organizing for play interferes with self-development. It demonstrates with action that kids are not trusted even in their own domain of play.
  10. Guidance tops directness. Focus parental effort on guiding and encouraging kids and less on discipline and punishment. As self-developers, they develop aspirations and ambitions beyond the present. If well respected by parents and siblings, they dream about becoming adults. If not respected that way, they dream about earning self-respect through immature methods such as adolescent lures and behaviors, games and drugs for example. Respect compounded by parental love keeps their aims aligned as parents hope. Parental guidance is most productive by helping bring to fruition dreams for their adult lives.
  11. Kids make mistakes. They learn quickly from experience. Prevent their making mistakes and over supervise and it slows or discourages their development. Enhance their self-development and you raise good adult-minded kids. Teach and don’t fight against their efforts to play-now-and-get-serious-later, or you raise poorly behaved children. Each child has ways of letting parents know when they over supervised. It’s not over-supervision that is the culprit but the child’s perception and growing conviction of it. Respecting each child as a person provides feedback for parents to determine when appropriate to guide or supervise.
  12. Don’t become friends. Parents who would first be friends with their children abrogate leadership responsibility. They try to lead without authority they give away by making the child equal as friend, which the child sees as a huge competitive advantage and can’t resist using. When it doesn’t turn out as equal as expected and parent still governs the child’s behavior, the child rebels internally but not so evidently to the parent. The crux is here: The parent is well intentioned, but the child seeks advantages that inspire disingenuousness and even hidden dishonesty. The end result promotes disrespect for the parent that is overlooked because of their good intentions and conviction they are doing right. The child’s behavior out of parent’s sight deteriorates to the opposite that the parent hopes for.
  13. Life ain’t easy. Don’t make it easy for kids. It teaches them to continually look for the easier way throughout life, and it later shows up harmfully as weak sense of family responsibility.
  14. Assign responsibility. Match their maturity. Even toddlers should have something to do routinely. Nothing teaches character better than having responsibility and being held accountable. Responsibility assigned to match maturity. Accountability imposed seriously but gently and forgivingly by mom enables kids to learn they like to please her. As they mature it turns into liking to do their duty. First they learn to please mom. Next, they learn that they like to please her. The long range effect is a stronger sense of family responsibility. Finally, boys learn that they please themselves by pleasing mom. Girls learn from being gently and forgivingly held accountable that it works later for raising their children and coaching the man they love.
  15. Worth repeating. Men thrive on responsibility, and so nothing raises boys into good men any better than an early-developed sense of duty. Don’t expect or teach perfection. Teach stick-to-it-iveness, finish the job. Kids understand completion or finish much, much better than perfection or adult standards or expectations. Respect them enough to let them determine the quality they can produce. Boys start by trying to outfox mom. When they see that inadequate performance doesn’t displease her, through repetition they teach themselves to do better. Think of keeping their room uncluttered or well organized. After awhile they do it well in order to please themselves for pleasing mom. It’s the same process by which they will later love their wives.
  16. Mothers reward themselves. They routinely express their love and affection to a child they birthed or someone else. She feels better for just having expressed her love. Once the conscious mind opens and a child recognizes he or she is also a person, they can figure things out accurately as they sense it but immaturely for others. By mom showing trust as more important than her love, her child is more easily convinced of mom’s love. IOW, without respect mostly in the form of trust, even showers of abundant love can be unimpressive and unconvincing.

Strategically, the home environment is a complicated place. It’s run more by subconscious habits than conscious thought. Shaping and arranging personal habits to produce a harmonized setting for a good family is primarily the work of woman.

Men sense it to be true but low self-esteem, self-image, or both often cause husbands to interfere, which sends loud messages that wife is not respected, which means not truly loved. Also uninformed about making organizations function well, such men take literally the practice of submission and use dominance to interfere with woman’s work of raising children to become good adults.

Wife responds by fighting back to defend, protect, or win her way of doing things. It triggers disrespect from husband, wife responds with her own version of disrespect, and the war begins.

As children view it, their future turns bleak. Even they can guess groundwork being laid for parental separation. Instinctively they sense but probably don’t recognize that repeated disrespect foretells the likely death and prevention of restoring love.

Editorial comment is next at 2330 and Tactical Parenting: Guidance and Encouragement follows at 2331.

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2266. A Man’s Love: The Reality of It

I define love as what holds them together as a couple. With her it’s emotional connections, obligations, and behaviors. With him, well…we’ll see.

I purposely bypass the importance of her attractiveness or the rest doesn’t happen. Also, I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.

A woman identifies the evident or imagined commitment and devotion of a man as his love of her. Men act differently. Not that her love isn’t appreciated, but manly love isn’t like female expressions of it.

A man identifies a woman’s love of him as the reciprocal of his love of her; it initiates in his heart and develops mutually or it isn’t love to him. His love is her likeability to him and his loyalty to her; plus his likeability to her and her loyalty to him. To his logical and reasoning mind, without reciprocity it isn’t his love. Also, he doesn’t remain in situations where his investment isn’t matched or bettered, so his love isn’t as anchored in deep emotion as that of a woman.

For a marriage to last, their mutual likeability and mutual loyalty should regularly confirm them as satisfied with their mating arrangement. It’s what a married man expects. It carries an ominous meaning for women unless they learn how to exploit their relationship expertise.

However hard and dedicated she tries, her love alone isn’t enough to sustain her marriage. It’s essential for her to show it or her love of husband fades, but it isn’t enough for him. Appreciated and perhaps honored, but not enough.

It begs the question: What else is needed? She aims her words, expressions of love, and other behaviors toward objectives that satisfy or confirm the following or at least don’t weaken or contradict them.

  • Remaining likeable in his eyes.
  • Keeping herself appearing loyal to him.
  • Treating him as if he’s very likeable to her.
  • Appreciating his loyalty to her.

All of which he should see in actions more than words. If she’s successful doing all that, he absorbs confirmation that their love is mutual and that he’s doing the right thing staying with her. Good return on investment of his independence.

Which of course begs this question: What does she get in return for her investment? Something other than separation and perhaps lifetime marital success. A better husband, which suggests she’s a better wife. Perhaps a man more enthused about family responsibility. Confirmation that her effort makes her important to their relationship. Being more easily loved and perhaps with a happier husband eager to display his affection.

The list could go on to greater satisfaction for her. She’s doing what it takes to keep her man directly involved in the mating scheme of life. It’s not likely to go wrong unless she begrudges doing what is required for success, which registers as her lack of likeability of and disloyalty to him and ends his love.

P.S. Men inherit at birth the way they love as described above. It’s up to the women in their lives—moms, chaste girls, bachelorettes, and wives—to teach them to love in ways more pleasing to women.


NOTE: There! It sounds again as if I alibi for men. No intent to do so. Just trying to figure out the truth of life. The more I figure out how men and women interact as couples, the more burdensome it seems for women. But, I’m reassured by this fact. It’s why they are the superior gender; they have all the talent, skill, and fortitude to shape their lives successfully in pursuit of their girlhood hopes and dreams. They just need to learn how to use their God-given, natural, and hormonal strengths.




Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, sex differences

2260. Compatibility Axioms #841-850

841. When husband on his own senses that wife has an unresolved problem, his problem solving persona emerges. He wants to uncover it and help. But it may be a long time if ever before he detects she even has a problem. The female nature enables wife to help him sense it on his own. [286]

842. Her patience and soft-heartedness and respect and gratefulness for who he is and what he does show her understanding of him, just as he expects to see it. He’s much less likely to take offense about subjects sensitive to him. [286]

843. Devotion to her makes him want to pay attention and sometimes lavish affection on her. Thus, more devotion makes him more open to her wants, needs, and desires.  [286]

844. He expects frequent and convenient access to sex after yielding his independence for marriage. This may or may not make him devoted to pleasing her as she would like. Devotion arises outside the sexual arena. [286]

845. We can easily recognize that men should be more considerate of a woman’s sexual wants, needs, and desires. However, being married can interfere unless she accepts responsibility for sexual compatibility. [286]

846. The more she likes herself as a female, the more outwardly dominant she can permit a man to be, because of high confidence about ultimately getting him to accept her way about her needs, wants, and desires in their life together. [288]

847. Right doesn’t just arrive in her life. She turns the husband in her life into the right man, and the process lasts as long as he remains devoted to her. She adjusts their life together until they both age gracefully with him as her Mr. Right. [288]

848. Successful courtships belong to predominately hard-headed women who patiently and indirectly integrate two diverse interests into a bright future together. Virtual virginity best holds his attention, while she works the romance/affection scene into his habit and her advantage. [288]

849. In courtship it pays for her to have high regard for and associate with many other people—not necessarily dating though. He should not win her heart and mind completely until after they marry. The stick while courting, the carrot after marriage. [288]

850. Men grow their love for a woman from light-hearted feelings that he stumbles into—she’s attractive, fun, likeable, very respectable—and he slowly becomes magnetized by her other qualities. Such as Her Jewels as defined in article 59:

♥ Physical attractiveness marvelously enhanced by affordable attire and classy grooming.

♥ Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings to reinforce that other men are forbidden.

♥ Gentleness provided out of patience.

♥ Forgetfulness that follows forgiveness.

♥ Thoughtfulness that her mate deserves.

♥ Gratefulness for her man that shines as her being happy when he’s around.

♥ Submissiveness as her spirit of cooperation.

♥ Happiness that spreads infectiously.

♥ Joyfulness that inspires greater hope.

♥ Chasteness promised to him by modest display of breasts, rump, and legs.

♥ Generousness that smashes selfishness out of their lives.

♥ Delightfulness that makes him smile.

♥ Perpetual smiling countenance that shapes his comfort zone.

♥ Unselfishness that spreads as example for all.

♥ Neatness that inspires others.

♥ Goodness that sets a shining example.

♥ Faithfulness that inspires him to follow suit.

NOTE: Those qualities are born into the female nature, but most women are too busy, ego-stricken, or politically propagandized to use them. Of course her man may not be worth such effort, but it’s her jewels that make him the right man. It’s her behavior that makes him good, bad, indifferent, inadequate, or whatever, provided she didn’t mate up with a hopeless case to begin with.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex differences

2176. Dating in Mid-life — Part C9: Prepare Against Submission

Gotcha! Prepare against submission? Yes, and do it while dating. No legal, moral, marital, or biblical injunction makes you submit. In fact, both sexes have free will, both are made to be compatible as mates, and to submit means that one side loses. However, superior relationship wisdom enables women to generate win-win regularly if not every time. Your relationship expertise ranks with adaptability and survivability as cardinal traits that enable the irresistible force to move immovable objects.

Your man may not have been taught any better; he might try to enforce submission. You may have to teach him. Indirectly works smoothest and leadership by example works best. Your examples can be absorbed as logic, reason, and the compatible nature of mating. Men look for logic and reason and love the likeability afforded by compatibility.

Marital common sense to teach such things is embedded in the female nature. Not in you? Not to worry. I’m here to help. As you will soon see, submissiveness is the hub around which revolves most of the important family interactions.

When you marry and husband expects you to submit, you steal his thunder by revealing a submissive spirit that shows him how smartly he married. Submissive, it’s an adjective describing you as volunteering; you don’t do mandatory. Why volunteer? Are the following 16 reasons enough?

1) A family can’t stay together with two leaders, too bosses equally yoked to the same undivided responsibility. They eventually fight for dominance. 2) A man won’t conscientiously honor and fulfill his responsibility unless he appears to dominate control of it; it’s his nature and often more ego than logical. 3) You are more flexible, the relationship expert, and the only one capable of balancing and harmonizing all the challenges inherited with family life. Without you taking the home load off of husband, he’s not free enough to earn a good living. 4) Two bosses can be successful only when they agree to having separate responsibilities, and a separation of powers empowers and rewards them both. 5) Children can’t function much less develop successfully, if they have unequal standards and expectations to which they must respond. It causes confusion to reign, teaches rebellion, and kids learn to play one parent against the other. Everyone functions better with only one boss, and kids respond best to mom with backup from her husband. 6) You can’t manage the home without husband’s recognition and acceptance that it is your responsibility, which places you in the follower’s role wherein submissiveness pays off with greater success for both parties. 7) A successful organization needs both a chief executive officer and chief operating officer, CEO as ultimate authority and COO to administer CEO policies. 8) The ultimate authority is no better than the chief operator below who promotes the respect due him, protects his reputation, and preserves his dignity even when he doesn’t deserve it. 9) The next-to-ultimate authority does best when looked upon as supporter and facilitator of CEO’s expectations. 10) Men are satisfied and significant—happy in your words—when someone weaker proves to be stronger in surprising and dedicated ways. 11) Whereas husband can’t do it at least by his nature, you can bring the superiority of your gender into the home—especially adjust-ability and survivability—in ways that everyone benefits. 12) He’s not naturally willing; only you can find ways to balance his dominance against getting your way sufficiently to fulfill your hopes and dreams. 13) Converting from courtship to marriage, you’re capable and understand the wisdom of shifting from the competitive mode of protecting yourself to the cooperative mode of fulfilling your marriage. 14) He’s generally unwilling to do something about it, but you are well enabled to find ways to smooth the rough edges from his dominance. 15) With his constant focus on the present, and your focus more in the future, you’re better situated to adjust to his present-day needs than he to your future aspirations. 16) Submissiveness enables you to impose a rank structure that calms family leadership jitters. In rank order, this works well: husband, wife, mother, father, and children, which splits adult roles into four separate responsibilities for better, more efficient, and more easily acceptable decision making.

Accomplishing all those things fits naturally into your marital persona. He’ll see all the merit once he’s taught by you. Success starts with your submissiveness that so clearly matches up with your relationship expertise and the other blessings you inherit at birth. Then you can fit him into your nest. (You may find other benefits at Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.)

To prepare for dating, I suggest you study those 16 items above for the different roles that you and future husband will fill. Then, measure each man against your imagination of how you two will fill those roles. That is, imagine how his personality would fit yours in this situation, just for example. As his wife and ‘second in command’, you hold him up as more important than the kids. Yet, as their mother, you fight him in favor of the kids. Can and will he help fulfill your hopes and dreams and be Mr. Good Enough? Or…?

You might deny it, but I view it this way. Mystique mystifies you, vanity promotes you, modesty protects you, marriage insures you, and submissiveness elevates you to kingpin in the monogamy-sphere. Nothing else produces a more successful family. You see, when you know what you’re doing, you do everything right for everyone. It’s your superior conscience. That, darling, is what the submissive spirit enables you to do. To give it a fanciful name, I call it sterling wifeliness.


P.S. For background material, you may wish to review the 12-part submission series that runs with interruptions from 2043 to 2058. (Or, two dozen other articles with submissive/submission in title plus a chapter in my book.)



Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, How she wins

2140. Favored Quotes—Collection 42

“Men just cannot resist a woman who loves and respects men.” [Magnolia at 2131]

“Royalty is given, not taken. I don’t need him to understand me. Just respect me. If he respects me, he will listen to me; if he listens to me, he will heed me; if he heeds me, he will please me; if he pleases me, he will cherish me; if he cherishes me, he will adore me; if he adores me, he will keep me; if he keeps me, he will provide for me; if he provides for me, he will set me free.” [J’ahdor at 2074]

“The first time I tried being more “silent” on an offense from husband, it was really difficult, it was all I could do to not overreact. I’ve done it all my life. But then something amazing happened…my husband, on his own, brought himself inline…later that day. It’s like he has the ability to “self-correct” with me doing very little. And my respect for him went WAY up because his correcting himself came from him, not forced from me!” [My Husband’s Wife at 2022. Guy adds: Her silence still sent a loud message (although not all men will receive every message every time). It tickled his conscience, invited him to use his freedom of decision-making, enabled him to please her at his discretion, and thus admire himself for both discernment and achievement. She enabled him to win by pleasing himself. A woman’s natural patience and indirectness empowers her with strength to use silence, and it makes her far more effective than accusatory words.]



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2125. Mirror Time — Part III: The First Lady

The actions and attitudes of you catering to your prettiness governs your surroundings in an indirect manner. It pleases both sexes. Associating with men motivates you to embellish your female strength—to show your prettiness—which shapes your attitude positively and enables satisfying relationships to form. Such indirect expressions of femininity both help tame the male beast and enable productive relationships to form. The prettier you are, the more respect and less liable to be mistreated; it’s the male nature before conquest.

To paraphrase an old axiom, the woman that magnifies her prettiness is the woman that rocks her world. To do that, you first magnify your own importance to yourself. You do it best when seated in front of a mirror absent the pressure of having to move on to something else. A bonus is attached; the importance you generate with your reflected image resonates with spouse, family, friends, dates, associates, and even enemies.

For example, imagine two wives/mothers arrive at morning breakfast time. One is prettily coiffed, smells great, smiles tenderly, and serves breakfast to the pleasure of family members. She tells husband she will take care of something important so he can get leave with thoughts of how nice it will be to return from work. Son starts to question or argue with mom, she smiles and nods calmly but meaningfully. He stops and carries on with his responsibility.

The second wife/mother arrives after everyone else expects to see her. She’s ‘unpretty’ or worse, her appearance and attitude are without charm. Family fends for its own breakfast. She raises her voice easily, finds fault unjustly, and displays a dislike of both things and people. As servant leader and as authority figure she fails. The family’s spirit sinks as they prepare to start the day.

For the first lady, everyone recognizes she’s THE authority figure and her prettiness both demonstrates and magnifies it. Of what value is the second woman that she lets her family start the day in a dispirited fashion? She lacks authority to influence family to pay her much attention. She fails to give of herself for those she ostensibly loves, and thus displays that her words and actions don’t match. Even kids can read that.

Those two extreme examples aim at this point. The more satisfied you are with your prettiness when you enter family’s life in the morning, the more effective you are as wife/mother/leader/authority figure. Your effectiveness is what sends your family into the world with high spirits for life and the challenges they face today. IOW, were it not for your arming your own spirits by uplifting your prettiness to your satisfaction, your family doesn’t have as much to live for as a good wife and good mother would like. To be the harmonizer of family endeavors, you must first harmonize your own spirits, and uplifting your prettiness offers the best method for success. That’s what mirror time is all about. More to follow of course.


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2111. Little White Lies

This subject deserves an article, so I expand on concerns triggered by Her Highness Prettybeans at 2109. It’s about the merit or demerit of females when they use little white lies to improve or protect the feelings of loved ones. It’s described as part of the female nature in #94 in the list of Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.

Prettybeans triggered a new vision of both sex differences and an ethical conundrum. I throw out the following analysis to invite dialogue and help women figure out their own lives a little better.

  • Men deal more in facts, women more in feelings. Facts expressed at least cause paper cuts in relationships. Paper cuts hurt but can be prevented with little white lies, about which women are experts.
  • The female conscience seems more sensitive because women are more prone to guilt than men. Honesty and dishonesty to men aren’t gray issues. But they are to women as are so many other things where feelings dominate.
  • Both sexes are made to be compatible with the other. So the womanly ability to use little white lies is part of their design. It means, at least to me, that honesty for women depends on their motive. If they gain personal advantage, it’s dishonest. If it disturbs their conscience or produces guilt, it’s dishonest. If they try to motivate someone to do something, it’s manipulation and therefore dishonest. If they simply smooth interpersonal feelings without personal gain, it’s not dishonest although it’s not totally honest either.

Not sure if the logic would hold against a superior mind, but it makes sense to me. The difference between acceptable and unacceptable little white lies is determined by the motive behind them. Personal gain is the dividing line and each woman has the conscience and sense of guilt to judge whether she’s being honest or dishonest.

Now take that to the relationship interface. As we all know, honesty should prevail. Women now have a standard, if my analysis holds up under scrutiny of better minds. To my thinking, a wife’s little white lies with no guilt and clear conscience don’t disturb a husband’s feelings as dishonesty. He’s not eager to accuse wife for something that brings pleasantness without hurt to him.

Sir Eric at 2109 agreed that little white lies “done with good intention” are acceptable. We can presume that good intention means without personal gain for the woman and without attempt to manipulate. Accepting Eric and I as authority figures, it follows that men find well-intended little white lies acceptable. It means they can abstain from judging wife as dishonest for neutralizing ill feelings, even though it seemingly indicts them as co-conspirators in dishonesty. People dedicated to one another live easily with such a dilemma.




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