362. Mr. Good Enough

Women are starting to choose ‘good enough’. Smart move, especially for those unable to find their Mr. Right and mature enough to know and accept the practical and emotional differences.

1.     It enables marriage sooner. She may know a ‘good enough’ or two worthy of practical comparison with her dream-like Mr. Right.

2.     It exploits female strengths. This improves her chances for identifying his potential for domestic harmony. Practicality usually wins over passion in choosing a life partner.

3.     Lower expectations produce less dissatisfaction. His shortcomings become more easily tolerable,  and she’s just the relationship expert to handle those things. He’s less likely to become Mr. Wrong.

4.     ‘Good enough’ opens the door to finding devotion instead of just commitment. Maybe not her devotion to him but his to her, and that’s more important for fulfilling her hopes and dreams.

Some women will choke on this, but her devotion to him will arise according to her actions that respect, endorse, and appreciate his efforts and who he is as husband and father. Such actions program her subconscious favorably, which is the source of emotions, and what we call the heart.

Let me close by quoting the lady blog author at http://theartofbeingfeminine.blogspot.com/

CHOOSE INTELLECTUALLY – LOVE AFTERWARD

NOTE: The previous post, #361, is companion to this one. I suggest you view it also.

361. Mr. Wrong alias Mr. Right

Women seek to marry what’s not truly identifiable before marriage: Mr. Right. Many marry their supposed Mr. Right only to uncover Mr. Wrong. They choose poorly:

·        First, her perceptions are easily misled about his potential, because she believes the sexes are or should be more alike than different. He doesn’t respond as she expects, but she thinks he will change.

·        Second, his potential only converts to ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’ after marital responsibilities pressure him to live up to something bigger than himself.

·        Third, she too eagerly accepts his words of commitment instead of expecting actions that signify devotion to her and their union.

·        Fourth, the real Mr. Right actually emerges only after years of marriage. Provided, that is, Mr. Wrong doesn’t emerge first.

The marriage-minded woman sees him as Mr. Right. Then, she faces marital reality. It’s tough, but she can’t identify Mr. Right as such until he’s been melted down in the crucible of responsible family life.  

NOTE: The next post, #362, is companion to this one. It describes an alternative that can lead to marital success.

318. His Mindset About Sex

The female mindset: Women worry about three phases of sex: foreplay, intercourse, and intimacy afterward. Men don’t.

Background

·        Adolescent male nature:  Intercourse is just intercourse. Foreplay should be unnecessary but can be fun. Intimacy interferes with recovery. Who’s next?

·        Mature male nature: Certain emotional involvements—such as respect and affection for her—add meaning and necessity to a man’s foreplay and intimacy. Her likeability adds too, but her attractiveness does not. (Attractiveness inspires the chase, but its emotional involvement fades after foreplay.)

A man’s sense of responsibility, significance, and permanence with his partner add considerations and connectedness that she appreciates. But his devotion makes him far more receptive to fulfilling her needs, especially after romantic love fades in a year or two.

The male mindset: Men are hormonally loaded to conquer attractive women. They plan around and worry about three things different than females: pre-conquest, post-conquest, and avoiding loss of their independence to hunt and conquer.

Of course, some men plan for and seek marriage. Being devoted to marriage is not the same as devoted to her, so she still has worries about his foreplay, intimacy, and even permanence.  

For more on the male mindset, see the Content page at the top for this series. Also try Do women know jack about Jack?

 

311. Preventive maintenance — Checklist II

The squabble-prevention checklist continues:

♥ Keeping him is easy but not simple, once she learns to use her female strengths.

♥ Feminine brightens his day. As one woman put it, femininity adds color to a man’s B&W world. [Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, p.151]

♥ People respect those who are different, unique, and powerful within themselves. Her power thrust in his face offends, however, whereas well-controlled internal strength is admired.   

♥ Virginity, devotion, and marriage are recoverable. People make so many mistakes that recovery is everything. (Details in posts titled Virtual Virginity.) 

♥ She’s a keeper, once she learns to keep him.

♥ Hook up but no call? Moved in but no joy? Married but no peace? Then change herself, because men don’t or won’t.

♥ Women are the maintenance experts, men go along for a smooth and maintenance-free ride.

♥ Learn the difference: Self interest motivates everyone. Self-centeredness motivates you. Us-centeredness motivates us. Selfishness de-motivates others.

♣ Feminism sours his day.

♣ Attacks unsettle his day.

♣ If she’s never satisfied, it drives his thoughts to other options. (The wedding signaled she was satisfied with him, so dissatisfaction means she changed and is no longer the woman he married.)

[The checklist started at post 296. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

301. Newlywed Bonding #9 — Plan Ahead

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Finances—or more accurately, squabbles about indebtedness and spending—stimulate break up more than almost anything else.  

$$$  Plan ahead. Marriage vows express devotion to each other. Unplanned, unnecessary, and surprise spending and indebtedness can easily kill such devotion.

$$$  Plan ahead. The continual practice of spending less than your income reinforces devotion to each other. Teamwork bonds.

$$$  Plan ahead. Long before the wedding date, commitment to marital spending, decision-making, and success ranks as highly as commitment to each other.

$$$  Plan ahead. Budgeting generates good self-discipline to overcome and minimize the effects of bad habits. New habits can put mind over money instead of plastic over mind.

$$$  Plan ahead. If you can’t budget, you can’t plan effectively. There is no special way to do it except YOUR WAY—whatever works to keep spending below income, to make savings a lifetime process.

$$$  Plan ahead. Commit to stop, slow, or compensate for impulse buying, compulsive shopping, and immediate gratification.

$$$  Plan ahead. Reward yourself cheaply for avoiding big or unplanned big spending.

$$$  Plan ahead. Rewards create and reinforce new habits. Reward yourselves frequently for:

·        Staying within budget

·        Not having to pay credit card interest

·        Meeting your saving goals

·        Devoting to each other by not overspending in your domain of responsibility.

[More about newlyweds appears at posts 297, 261, 257, 254, 247, 242, 230 and 224. Scroll down or search by number with dot and space following it.]

 

 

 

298. Female malpractice — Part 9

♣  Relationship maintenance gone awry:  Blame or expect him to resolve whatever ails their two-way relationship. This doesn’t mean that he’s not due some blame, just that treating him as such is counterproductive.

♣  Nagging doesn’t get more offensive than that which tampers with his sense of sexual significance.

♣  Marital longevity shortens under pressure of sexually accessible women outside the home. The sisterhood’s sexual freedom thus devalues marriage.

♣  Women favor to live with a man rather than spend time choosing a great mate. One made less great, because he begrudges his predecessor(s).

♣  To satisfy their self-centeredness and exercise their will over others, women use conditional love to manipulate their man and raise their children. The effect torments everyone.

♣  The more that women practice masculine-style sexual freedom, the more dedicated becomes the sex-chasing lifestyle of men. Things domestic lose their allure.

♣  Trying to change a man sours his affection for whoever tries. Her pressure offends.

♣  After split up, she’s the only one qualified to tell her how wrong she may have been. But listening to others eases her pain.

[More about female malpractice appears in posts 278, 236, 221, 206, 189, 175, 164, and 150. Scroll down or search for the number with a dot and space following it.]

296. Preventive Maintenance — Checklist I

Compared to men, women are relationship experts. They detect emotional cracks and strains long before their man.

This makes women best qualified for relationship maintenance, which effectively puts them in charge.

It’s easily understandable that whoever’s in charge should be responsible for preventive maintenance. So, a squabble-prevention checklist starts here.  

♥  Cooperation compliments each other.

♣  Competition challenges one or the other.

♣  Loose lips irritate.

♣  Blame inflames.

♣  Argument is counterproductive.

♥  Patience reduces tension.

♥  Discretion shows respect.

♥  Loving silence nags.

♥  Gratefulness seals a deal.

♥  Respect lets him defend her.

♣  Self outweighs Us.

♣  Changing him discredits her judgment.

♣  Two captains in one ship leads to mutiny.

♥  Tact works like WD-40 on a rusty hinge.

♣  Progress stops with loss of temper.  

♥  Submissiveness is an attitude of gratitude, whichever way it flows.

♥  Understanding balances A.D.D. (See post #3)

Prevention is the better part of valor. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  

286. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’m! — Post 5 of 5

SUBJECT: Men are not considerate of her sexual wants, needs, and desires. Granted, they should be, but….

Love sits atop but does not dominate this subject. It may overcome and hold them together, and it may not.

 ♀2♂?  If conveying her wants, needs, and desires outweigh his satisfactions about their sex life, she’s not likely to get far without the tenderest diplomacy.

♀2♂?  She’s in charge. She’s in charge. She’s in charge. Not because he’s incapable, but because he lacks knowledge of her, and men often go to extremes to hide that lack.

♀2♂?  He sees little need for more than he already provides in love making. So, if she’s not satisfied, coaching him may help. (Nurturing demeans and teaching tends to humiliate him.)

♀2♂?  Any discussion of sexual shortcomings can push him toward consequences, up to and including abandonment, without her becoming aware.

♀2♂?  Husbands respond best to wife’s caution, indirectness, and patience. When he senses indirectly that she has an something unresolved, his problem solving persona emerges. He wants to uncover the problem and help. 

♀2♂?  Patience, soft-heartedness, and respect and gratefulness for who he is and what he does may capture and hold his attention. Those things show her love, as he expects to see it, and he’s much less likely to take offense about subjects sensitive to him.

♀2♂?  Devotion to her makes him want to pay attention and perhaps lavish affection on her. Thus, more devotion makes him more open to her wants, needs, and desires. 

♀2♂?  He expects frequent and convenient access to sex after yielding his independence for marriage. This may or may not make him devoted to pleasing her as she would like.

We can easily recognize that men should be more considerate of a woman’s sexual wants, needs, and desires. As we have seen, however, being married often interferes.

[This competes this title and subject. The rest appears in posts 281, 276, 271, and 266.]