2191. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 6: Self-interest

Self-interest motivates everyone. It’s our future; it triggers our actions. It determines what we do and say after this instant in time even if only to stand and think about what’s next.

A child’s self-interest starts as a function of genetics inherited at birth and self-esteem indirectly programmed into the subconscious by infant caregivers. After his conscious mind opens, his self-interest determines whom he will become after any moment in life. He knows best what’s best for him at that moment. Do his own thing or follow mom’s instructions? Probably without thinking, he acts.

When planned or dreamed of, it’s ambition. Or perhaps instantaneous, such as play with a toy. Or unexpected as in yell from anguish or flee mom’s anger. Or perhaps try to alibi but fail his way out of punishment for what he knows he shouldn’t have done, which prompts him to modify self-interest for different action and outcome next time. Lessons learned shape self-interest continuously.

Self-image is the picture of who and what we are. Self-interest is what we should say or do and to or with whom we should say or do it. Self-interest is our life agenda. Success broadens and deepens our belief in self, which broadens and deepens our self-interest and our liking of self. As self-developers, children are just like us.

Just as adults do, children learn from successes and failures made doing or saying what they think they should. However, kids don’t always make the call. Adults have a nasty habit of overriding a child’s assessment of whether he experienced a success or failure. It makes a critical difference in upbringing of children.

Parents or authority figures have multiple occasions. They call a boy’s actions as:

  • successes and the boy agrees. If he acknowledges to himself that it’s deserved, it enhances his belief that he’s pretty good, which improves his self-image, confirms his self-interest, and adds to his liking himself as boy and perhaps undersized adult. Consequently, adult intentions are rewarded.
  • successes and the boy thinks it undeserved. It registers as just okay in his heart. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. He just did something that others thought okay. Belief in self is unlikely to change and ditto for self-image, self-interest, and self-like. Consequently, undeserved praise may not be wasted but it’s not effective for parental intentions.
  • failures and the boy agrees. He acknowledges to himself that he didn’t do what he should have, which enhances his belief that he knows what he’s doing, which improves his self-image, which modifies his self-interest, which adds to liking himself as boy or perhaps undersized adult. Consequently, just the mention of failure is sufficient to energize change in the boy. OTOH, highlighting well-intended actions as his incompetence is to challenge and over time belittle his self-image, drown his self-interest, and reverse his self-like.
  • failures and the boy disagrees. He acknowledges to himself that he did do what he should have, which enhances his belief that he knows what he’s doing, which modifies his self-interest either to
    • refuse to adjust to parental expectations, which adds to his liking himself as an individual and potential adult
    • or adjust toward adult standards and expectations which weakens his self-image, which demeans his ability to like himself. Consequently, boy-judger disagreements foster potential for more relationship difficulties.

The difference in the boy’s modification of self-interest depends upon how he respects and accepts the judgment of parents or higher authority figures. The greater his respect for those who judge him, the less inclined to disagree with them. The less his respect, the more easily the boy disagrees.

In the final analysis, the boy-and-his-judges relationship determines the final outcome. And that dear ladies is why moms are so good at raising boys. Girls are somewhat different but moms are even more capable for adjusting girls’ self-interest. So it needs no more attention than just follow the boy’s model above with this exception. Girls do not think unearned gifts are undeserved.

To help make kids like themselves better, guide rather than demand of them that their personal agenda includes consideration for the interests of others. As their self-interest expands to consider others, selfishness dies and self-centeredness weakens a little. Starting in childhood produces more mature candidates to enter and pass through adolescence with little turmoil and thereby produce more mature adults.

Self-worth follows tomorrow.

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2190. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 5: Self-image

Outside of adult supervision that interferes, self-image governs a child’s life just as it does with each of us older kids. It guides us to do what we can do, avoid what we can’t do, and makes sense of everything else on our own behalf.

However, the heart of this series promotes and encourages moms to help children to like themselves better.

Deeply embedded but floating on the foundation of self-esteem, a child’s self-image also contains the personally identified conviction of what and who he is and how well or unwell he likes himself. It ranges high, low, or in between. He’s not conscious about it that way. He just feels wanted and worthy about himself, terribly unwanted and unworthy, or somewhere in between. His attitude most of the time reflects his conviction.

A constant attitude of unworthiness suggests a child is headed toward self-destructive behavior. A significantly and constantly enjoyable sense of ample worthiness suggests the opposite.

Mom’s job: Make her child have an even greater sense of worthiness as he perceives it. How?

Short of scolding, provide guidance through loving, educating, training, leading, coaching, advising, preaching, suggesting, and hinting that encourages him to try harder, plunge deeper, and in his own way overcome obstacles. The more he does it his way and without direct help, the more meaningful, admirable, and enhancing to his sense of worthiness as he perceives himself.

This series aims to encourage mothers to drop the ineffective help concocted under the label of self-esteem and show kids how to take care of themselves at a maturity level that moves upward slightly ahead of current age. I provide some ideas and tips.

Don’t demand, guide. Don’t condemn, abide. Enable children to learn to accomplish more. Boys thus learn to habitually work; girls thus learn to habitually add to their importance. Both are born to love learning when they get to do it their way aka self-development. Motherly sensitivity enables moms to make adjustments for individuals, while also using peaceful methods to teach kids to follow family values and standards. Kids want to be flexible when well guided.

They can anticipate before they participate, please self first while respecting others, please others as appropriate, respect everyone, accept responsibility as right thing to do, boldly answer for mistakes, hold self accountable (ill feelings) for not fulfilling responsibility, depend on self-praise to uplift spirits, know temper flare-ups as unacceptable, accept greater responsibility as maturity grows, earn respect instead of seeking to be liked, learn difference between selfish and self-centered, and solve their own problems until they absolutely need help.

Success handling each incident above is an accomplishment doing what parents like to witness, which makes them like themselves too.

Children can accept new responsibility and stand ready to be held accountable. For example, toddler boys can be taught to make their bed and keep their rooms up to mom’s expectations under this process. Assign him the responsibility, teach the rudiments, and let him set the standards of his performance for the first few months or even years.Mom, don’t complain while you gently guide his habit and standard to grow alongside his maturing. Someday he will meet your expectation.

To please mom from first day, is to earn some admiration, which he can at a young age transmute into self-admiration. It means that pleasing mom earns her admiration and he likes himself better. Not from what she says but what he does.

It’s how men come to love their work; they learn early the habit to please themselves by fulfilling their responsibility, their duty. It helps build the best of masculine habits. As the saying goes, the man who loves his job never has to go to work. It all arises out of manly motivation of seeking self-admiration until satisfaction sets in. It can work in a boy’s bedroom, but perhaps not up to his love of doing it. But duty has the same effect, men like and often love to do their duty to the point they often do it without notice.

If you desire more detail about self-image, almost a dozen articles are scattered with that term in the title.

Children have ambitions to be liked. Also embedded in self-image are factors surrounding ambitions but by another name, self-interest. It’s next.

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2189. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 4: Self-development

Keep this in mind. Lack of respect, nuisance interference, and trying to make children copies of their parents squelches the best intentions of loving and even loveable parents. It can far too easily prevent the development of children liking themselves.


The Children

Children are hardwired to live their own lives. Instinct pushes them ahead with this principle: I develop myself. They lack mature guidance but they do it anyway—except as adults interfere. They play, explore, and please themselves. That’s where parents come in. It starts in toddlerhood shortly after the conscious mind opens and lasts for life.

Self-development makes kids adventurous know-it-alls with willingness and courage to test their world. They have every intent of pursuing whatever interests them. Boys don’t need help as they see it. Girls frequently ask for guidance; it’s instinctive both to receive it as child and dispense it later as mother. (Men are not so instinctively endowed, but many learn to do it in life.)

The ambitions of both sexes develop and expand with each new experience, and they instinctively seek to remain in charge. Although with different motivations and objectives, boys and girls rely on accomplishments to confirm self-satisfaction for boys and self-importance for girls. It consequently leads directly to liking themselves as themselves.

Boys don’t need help to climb, fix things, or try to understand how something works. Curiosity triggers action, sense of responsibility triggers imagination, and desire energizes without much other prompting. They prefer to figure things out themselves until curiosity exceeds ability or sense of responsibility exceeds imagination. Then they might ask for help beginning as toddlers but doing it less as life passes.

Girls find ways to make themselves important, and seek help when their thoughts and intentions go awry. It begins as toddlers and expands in life.

The Motivations

Boys pursue self-admiration by earning satisfaction through accomplishments and the reward of learning to do better as they recover from mistakes. The result is developmental progress initiated and completed by them and out of which they learn to like themselves. Being a competitor and expecting to operate independently, boys seldom seek help except to take on challenges with which they are unfamiliar and even then instinctively from non-competitors.

Girls pursue a sense of importance, mostly by making themselves more important to or in the eyes of others. They take two routes. Primarily, they focus on appealing to certain others, earning respect, preventing squabbles, avoiding hurt of selves and others, and generating relationship successes. Secondarily, they search for and find gratitude in opportunities, others, and things. The better they carve out good relationships, capitalize on opportunities, and find ways to be grateful, the better their development progresses into a rewarding and happy girlhood and adult life. Female self-development is the process of keeping all those things ‘up and running’ to each girl’s satisfaction. Girls often seek assistance, because it helps to improve their cooperative spirit and relationship success.

The Parents

Parental guidance is simpler, easier, and effective than trying to shape immature personalities to meet parental preferences, standards, and expectations. It begins with this essential element. Parents show respect that the child is both a person and boy or girl, just as adults are respected. Treated respectably and generously and not disparagingly, parents can modify immature intentions and help energize kids to try harder, work harder, study harder, act more maturely, solve their own problems, and produce success as measured by the child and not the parents.

Parents hold a child’s attention by respecting them as person first, boy or girl second, and role in family and life third. Try to keep them on track morally, within family values, and willing to work for themselves while living up to someone or something bigger than they are. Love, nurturing, leadership, coaching, discipline, teaching, preaching, demanding, and other methods of influence are the instruments to deliver guidance in ways that don’t de-motivate the child. Parents do best when they use love to promote guidance and not the other way around.

Lacking effective parental guidance, many boys and girls are pushed or wander innocently into the misery of disliking themselves. When ignored or disparaged by parents, boys won’t ask and girls won’t listen. They turn to each other and too easily follow examples set by the opposite sex. Role and perhaps sex confusion follow. Confusion breeds frustrations that discourage and dissuade from trying harder to fit into their original roles.

Such boys and girls seek friendliness outside parental influence and form relationships inside of common childhood interests. They have little or nothing but peer approval to live up to, nothing bigger than themselves such as comforting home, family life, or parental approval.

Instead, parental expectations become onerous, which invites the ugly face of misbehavior. Facing parental disapproval and expectations to do better, kids give up on parental influence and look to outsiders for guidance or opportunity for boys to find self-admiration and girls to find self-importance.

Too easily they find it in peers after puberty, and a whole new game of life opens up. Too many failures, parent-disapproved achievements, and woefully too few personal accomplishments breed lack of progress to meet their own expectations. They don’t like themselves. It fuels the fires of self-discontent and self-demoralization, and destroys their interest to try harder or do something else. They coast into lack of caring, sink into irresponsibility. Not liking turns to dislike of themselves. It’s downward from there, socially, domestically, and responsibly. Dislike continues and can worsen into anorexia, suicide, or worse.

Parents interfere with good development when they inject themselves too deeply as participants into the growing-up process. Such as excessive parental involvement rather than just encouraging interest in kid’s games—e.g., little league sports—comes easily to mind. Or, parents fail to inject themselves when they don’t guide their children into the habit of accomplishing things before they get habitually involved in media toys, games, and programming that subliminally undermines liking oneself.

The Future

Boys and girls mostly need guidance that successfully encourages and energizes them into developing routine habits of working toward goals and accomplishing things. Guidance but not prevention of making mistakes and even failures. Children need to make and recover from those on their own, which become successes to breed self-worth and personal likeability.

Recovery is everything isn’t just a saying. It’s vital to self-development. When parents generate the recovery for kids’ mistakes, boys learn to dodge responsibility and girls learn they can depend totally on others. Both lose their independent spirit and become more dependent on others, which invites them to alibi to save face and use other tactics that take them away from personal responsibility and self-discipline.

Kids have the capability to succeed at what they intend to do, so goal setting is vital to good development. Nurturing, love, leadership, bossiness, discipline, teaching, preaching, and coaching should be the means to reinforce guidance that inspires self-success and mitigation of self-failures. Love should be secondary to mature guidance for two reasons. 1) When love is primary, it’s too easy and pleasant to forget the other essentials that promote guidance to keep boys and girls on the right track. 2) Boys don’t appreciate unearned gifts, and mother love is essentially unearned, although it’s nice to know that love isn’t absent.

Girls expect to develop themselves but with help when they ask for it. They are more fearful than boys of making mistakes. Hence, they don’t develop the strong sense of responsibility until as women they go through the birthing process. That gives them every right and those who like themselves take advantage and dominate their home harmoniously; liking themselves gives them greater ability.

Those who give birth but dislike themselves from girlhood lack the ability to harmoniously dominate their home. They haven’t developed successfully as a strong enough woman endowed with and energized by the accomplishments and small failures from which they recovered growing up—love just isn’t enough.

The absence of strong sense of responsibility developed and independence earned in girlhood makes a woman desperate to have a man. Without the confidence of self-dependence, she needs more help than the woman who likes herself more highly.

Boys expect to do things by themselves, which teaches them to be responsible by living with and learning by both successes and mistakes. Unless interfered with, they naturally learn responsibility by making mistakes and recovering with fix-its or try-agains. They recover for the purpose of earning self-admiration and satisfying themselves.

The Transition

Too many mothers rely on their love and affection to make their children like themselves. Nothing wrong with trying except that it gives a false sense of ability, competence, and success to moms. Consequently, with fathers depending on mothers, parents ignore or don’t work hard enough to guide kids into the real broadening and deepening of a child’s self-like, which comes from within them and their accomplishments in life.

Liking themselves is different from self-esteem, which is merely a part of self-image, which is the picture of oneself that guides one throughout life. It follows, tomorrow I hope.


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2188. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 3: Infant Care and Self-esteem

Mothers, before you rebel and refuse the concept, finish the series. What you do today isn’t bad; no mom intentionally heads her child toward self-destructive behavior. But it happens accidentally or out of ignorance of what makes children tick. IOW, some mom-care is unintentionally ineffective. Trying to use love to convince a child that he likes himself is the prime example addressed in this series.

Self-esteem has a precise definition here. It’s how well a person of any age likes or dislikes himself as a person but not as man or woman. When a person doesn’t like himself as a person, it undermines significantly how well he can like himself as a man or woman and can cause role confusion among other problems.

It’s a natural development phenomenon. Each child’s self-esteem is hardwired into his subconscious mind—his heart as mothers call it— during the infant-care period before his conscious mind opens in the third year of life. Let’s compare two extremes:

  1. One infant is calmly treated preciously and loved endearingly with much fondling and less-than-excitable actions that transmit respect, immense attention, affection, and appreciation. He inherits a sense of high self-esteem, perhaps even self-love aka the highest. Subconscious conviction hardwires his psyche that if others like me, I should like himself.
  2. Another infant is treated terribly, frequently left in discomfort, jerked or handled roughly, yelled at, surrounded by loud and disruptive noises of people or media, unresponsive to caregiver demands, fed carelessly or not regularly, scared often, left to cry in frustration, and treated as unwanted by those around him. He inherits a sense of low self-esteem. Subconscious conviction hardwires his psyche that if others dislike or hate me, I should feel the same. He thereby becomes permanently conditioned to dislike, loathe, or perhaps hate himself, aka the lowest self-esteem. It’s a very high hurdle that anorexics, suicides, et al. never learn to clear.

Imagine a spectrum that runs from self-love on the high end to self-hatred on the low end. Without awareness of what happened, each child inherits from infant caregivers a narrow band of self-like subliminally hardwired into his subconscious mind. It’s the range of his self-esteem. Perhaps near the top, bottom, or somewhere in the middle, a very narrow or slightly wider range is mentally positioned to subconsciously govern his self-development. Never to be available for direct examination or evaluation, it’s inaccessible and unknown except as his feelings are routinely affected by it throughout life. (It also plays a major role in the unpredictability of human behavior.)

High self-esteem prevents a child’s likeness of self to sink very low. Low self-esteem prevents liking oneself very highly. Caregivers unwittingly lock in the range each child has for liking or disliking himself as a person. Not as boy or girl, which is a function of self-image (later). With self-development freedom and the adaptability available with self-image, a child can find many successes in life, which can enable liking himself separate and overpowering of self-esteem, which enables him to produce socially beneficial outcomes rather than self-destructive behavior, which can compensate for poor or inadequate parenting.

It’s a natural process. After the conscious mind opens, the child becomes aware that he’s also a person. Soon afterward he becomes aware he’s either boy or girl, which gives birth to self-respect, which gives birth to the expectation that he deserves equal respect from others, which gives birth to temper tantrums when denied the full expression of his self-respect, which arises out of his aim toward self-development, which emerges from what he inherited at birth and to which was added self-esteem. Out of all that, his attitude reflects how he uses or relies on self-esteem and self-respect to challenge adults who interfere with his self-interest.

(You don’t like a child’s attitude? More love won’t do it very effectively. You can’t change self-esteem, so show more respect, which helps elevate his self-respect, which broadens his ability to self-develop, which generates a better self-image, which enables better self-development, which earns successes, which makes him like himself better, which compensates for low self-esteem, which compensates for poor parenting, which improves his attitude because he likes himself better.)

Toddlers first become aware they too are a person. They have self-respect, can show respect for others, and expect it from other persons. Then, they become aware they are male or female, which triggers a whole new set of ideas that form their self-image, which governs their self-development and as much of their life as they can control.

Self-esteem across society should form a bell curve. However, the incidence of kids with low self-esteem suggests a statistical curve to be skewed far out of bell-shape. I’ve seen no evidence that self-esteem is observable or measurable. What we measure in others is their self-image of how well they can identify how and why they like themselves. If questioned or surveyed, children can only respond with knowledge in their conscious mind. If questioned about treatment before their third year, they have no memory. If mothers are questioned, they have an interest in admitting only to great motherly treatment. So, real self-esteem is undetectable.

A child’s self-esteem is molded completely by those who brought him through infancy. Development of it ends when his conscious mind makes him aware that he is also a person and able to form his own opinions of how he is treated. He’s full of enthusiasm for life, and so the self-esteem he possesses governs his actions as toddler until his self-image forms of how he likes himself.

Lack of knowledge about infant care can mislead both parents into doing wrong things for the mental adaptability of a child. High self-esteem makes a child easily adaptable to the good things in life. Low self-esteem fosters socially bad things. Regardless, whether high or low, the primal urge of self-development empowers the child to ambitiously move onward and upward to his satisfaction for boys and importance for girls.

Self-development is next for tomorrow.

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2187. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 2

NOTE: Until specified otherwise, everything applies to girls too.

Subject: Can mother-love convince a child to like himself, today, tomorrow, and later in life? I respond in the negative. I undertake to prove this principle. Success fulfilling his and her ambitions determines how well children learn to like themselves as a male or female in adulthood.

We need precise definitions to disprove common opinions floating in the domestic ether and political and politically correct environments. We also need a clear picture of the process of growing up, which follows the sequence of bolded titles below.

My first bolded title—self-esteem—will fly in your face as incorrect; too different from what you believe. Child development is another common term that misleads by presuming that adults are more responsible than children for their development. Bear with me on both.

Six terms are defined at length. All six interwork in background mode as an every-moment process of life. They provide a common sense model of how children develop under their own initiative, while also under the influence and choosing to accept or ignore the guidance, demands,  expectations, and pressures of parents, teachers, and other authority figures. (Each title will later be described more fully.)

Self-esteem: How well a person likes himself as a person. Not as man or woman because it’s generated and permanently shaped before a child knows he’s a member of one rather than other gender. It is hardwired into the psyche by caregiver treatment prior to a child’s conscious mind opening in their third year.

Self-development: The process by which every person seeks to create and shape a life for himself in the world he inherits at birth. A child becomes aware he is a person too soon after his conscious mind opens in the third year of life. After his self-development begins later in that third year, the child becomes judge and jury of his treatment by those around him and his personal accomplishments and failures. All contribute to the formation and development of self-image.

Self-image: The imagined picture a person has of who and what they are as they perceive it in the world of their existence. The picture accumulates from experience and resides in the psyche to governs one’s behavior. We all tend to operate strictly within our own picture. When we deviate accidentally, we fix it if we can, alibi it away, or rationalize humiliation. If we deviate purposely, conscience kicks in and we tend to dislike or even hate ourselves for it. Kids do it in micro and morph to macro.

Self-interest: Each person’s ambitions motivate him to act out his life in ways that benefit him. WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. Consequently, self-interest promotes and expands self-development, self-image, and self-worth. (But not self-esteem which will be explained later).

Self-worth: How well a person appreciates himself as a man or herself as a woman. It’s the product of success or failure produced by self-image, self-interest, and self-development working together. The result is limited by the high and low end of self-esteem hardwired into the psyche by infant caregivers.

Self-likeability: How well the child consciously likes himself as a person as the result of his subconscious sense of self-worth as man or woman. He feels great about himself and seeks to celebrate. Or doesn’t feel even good about himself, which energizes him to take corrective action.

Those are the structural members of the child development model described in this series. We pass up the fetal phase for three reasons. 1) What the fetus absorbs genetically or neurologically may cause but not be an effect of subsequent behavior. 2) New science reveals that genes do not determine our personalities as much as emotions select specific genes for specific environments. 3) The scope of this series is post-natal and about human behavior.

RECAP: Self-esteem likes self as a person. Self-development is the process of living. Self-image determines can or can’t, will or won’t, should or shouldn’t. Self-interest is ambitions that generate initiatives. Self-worth appreciates self as male or female. Self-likeability is self-worth on steroids and stimulant of new and perhaps bolder actions.

Infant care is the subject of tomorrow’s post.

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2186. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 1

We’re all concerned with this subject. What causes teen behaviors identified by the title above plus overdosers, rapists, and mass shooters?

Several new revelations tied together in this series explain how some infants are mistreated, improperly guided as toddlers, and poorly led prior to puberty. The unintentional outcome leads to family disorder, heartbreak, and often tragedy.

Before such unfortunate children turn up to surprise everyone, their behavior is unpredictable or else preventives would work. But preventives have to address main causes, which modern preventive efforts do not. Ignorance prevails but no longer.

The childhood causes are described in this series. It enables preventives to be made part of a child’s upbringing. IOW, insurance against raising kids too far outside the adolescent and adult norms.

Those malformed personalities arise out of four phases of life before adulthood: 1) As a fetus responding to mother’s disrupted emotions. 2) Infant care which is the most critical. 3) Well-intentioned but ineffective parenting. 4) Associating with like-minded people.

I close this opening post with an offense that will scorch the equilibrium of virtually every mother. Details will follow but loving a child to deliberately make him like himself is both ineffective and can be contrary to good self-development. Read that sentence again and focus narrowly on this part: make him like himself. That’s the only issue under discussion here, and the point I intend to prove with a description of how human nature works contrary to that motherly wish and well-intended practice.

Don’t stop loving him for that or any other reason, he needs all you provide. However, by depending on mother’s love too often prevents doing what is necessary to ensure that he likes himself. Moreover, the harder mother tries, the less he may like himself. None of us are convinced we deserve tremendous love when we get it, and children and especially sons realize it too. If we feel we don’t deserve it, we don’t appreciate it all that much. Consequently, it affects our belief system very little if at all.

I can imagine you ladies vigorously shaking your heads, but bear with me. By the time this series ends, you may not be persuaded or change, but you’ll be better informed of some of the unexplained behaviors you see in your own kids.

Part II tomorrow if I can finish it in time.


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2185. Dating in Mid-life — Part D9: Closing Notes and Tips

It isn’t news. Dating in mid-life is a female-designed development to capture a man for life. The older the man, the easier the capture. This series closes with a few miscellaneous tips that previously didn’t make the cut. They’re my final contribution to give women an advantage.

  1. As you know, modern social values, standards, and expectations are designed to produce sex at the earliest and without obligation even of gentlemanly politeness after conquest. Chastity doesn’t sell; your virtues sell and overpower the delay of bedtime. If you can’t make yourself unique, you’re like all the other gals who can easily capture but can’t keep a man.
  2. Unless he’s been operating in the dating market for some time, he’s as amateurish as you. You can take advantage of that with your knowledge of relationship dynamics.
  3. The more elaborate and expensive the date scene, the advantage turns to him; he expects and deserves more and you’re more obligated. The simpler and cheaper the date, the more advantage turns to you. Don’t think money and time on this issue. Think complexity of personalities merging into common thought, getting together because of mutual likeability, enjoying company together regardless of where and when. For example, try coffee at Mickey D’s several or many times before a first real date. Grow the relationship before you let the emotions emerge into sight. The sooner he spots your deeper interest, the sooner he disregards you for sex with you. Also, unless he earns your attention and learns how to keep it, he won’t appreciate you very much. And your attention is YOU eyeball to eyeball with your ears wide open and empathetic to his story. Not in a romantic setting where you’re thinking romance and he’s expecting a listener for his sales effort. Learn to delay romance for awhile.
  4. It’s a one-way street. He initiates and you put up speed bumps. If you’re so fearful of losing him that you accede to his wishes, you will lose him. Men don’t respect pushovers, people they can dominate at will, or women who don’t put up a struggle to protect their greatest asset.
  5. His success is getting his way. Your success is slowing, slowing, slowing his advances until you get your way. If you can get him to court you for a year or two without conquest, you will probably receive a proposal. Maybe sooner. It’s also a more permanent relationship that you generate.
  6. The immaturity of so many men, aka adultolescents, makes the dating scene more unpredictable than you expect. Let teen-like incidents of behavior make you see red flags. Or, if you could live with what he’s like, then a pink flag. Disrespect and demeaning of women generally should be a bright red flag, even though he may try to persuade that you’re an exception.
  7. Your being more mature, men aren’t so difficult to figure out. Most importantly, you have to know and decide what you won’t tolerate. That is, decide just who and what you are and be proud of it.
  8. Older men should be more predictable than younger men, but don’t count on it. You have to test but don’t challenge any of them in ways that question their self-respect, masculinity, capability, trustworthiness, or dependability. In short, their character. They still guard their masculine nature.
  9. Men continue to look for the proverbial ‘good woman’ to mate with. But they perceive far less valuable women. Women don’t play up their uniqueness other than for sex. Men use personal experience and popular opinion to judge women in unattractive attire or being promiscuous and find them wanting for permanent mating. They don’t qualify as ‘good’ in man-think.
  10. Rather than await a woman’s discretion about yielding sex, modern men have learned to barter aggressively. He’s tough to beat at the negotiating table. But you should draw the line. Send him packing as the player he is when he tries to use shame, guilt, or claim you’re being old fashioned. Players start from the foundation that you’re not respected and therefore disposable whether you cave or not.
  11. Momma’s boys and ‘never-marrieds’. Both are already devoted to momma and self, so the likelihood they can become devoted to you is slim but not dead. It will probably take at least a 2-year courtship to win their devotion over whatever exists in their hearts when you meet.
  12. Do his actions match his words? If not, it’s a huge red flag. Take time to observe closely about many and little things.
  13. Does he frequently hurt your feelings? Seemingly without remorse? If so, beware. Escape now.
  14. Measure each man’s love by his devotion to you and measure by his acts that please rather than impress you. For example, how easy does he display affection and appear to thoroughly enjoy himself for doing so? If showing you affection is a burden to him when not after sex, beware. How do you tell the difference? Look to your heart, assess his actions, and trust yourself that you know what you’re doing or about to do.

Closing. This series grew humongously. Expecting five or six articles, it grew to over two dozen. These are important reminders that may or may not have been mentioned, but which I want to leave with you.

  • Fear not, you can do whatever you choose. God prepared you well if you follow your heart. Look for men who follow their heart, their male nature, their masculine dominance without guilt, their regard and hopefully respect for others, and their specific respect for you.
  • If a man doesn’t like himself, he can’t reflect an affirming attitude. He can only like you as much as he likes himself (which is the subject of an upcoming, revealing, and important article).
  • A potential candidate for mating should find you. You get to judge whether he’s as good as he claims and whether that is good enough for you. He’s the seller, you’re the buyer. Don’t change it because you would or do like a hunk, dream boy, or father figure.
  • Being a trophy has a way of backfiring a decade or two down the marital road. Men tend to go into role reversal with a great age difference.
  • Teen-like behavior in men may go away over time if they respect and accept your leadership examples of mature living.
  • Submission is his term. As he views it, however, it’s unrealistic for you. Submissive is your term for overriding his concept and making your marriage manageable.
  • He walks himself to the altar, if you don’t turn him off out of ignorance, impatience, or ingratitude.
  • Mutual attraction begins with similar interests, but it’s sex differences that provide the glue of longevity. (Too much alike leads to boredom.)
  • Each man’s urge to conquer you is the elephant in the room. Virtual virginity is the big gun for shooting the elephant between the eyes and enabling him to fall into the friendly bush of domestic life.

Ladies, I hope your dating days are smoothly exciting and profitable for your wishful inputs. Good luck and may God both endorse and reward your sincere efforts. I hope this series earns a little credit for helping.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins