2555. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 08: Stay Out of His Way


Eighth step: This article applies mostly after a couple reaches the point they talk about marriage. The previous one (2554) described the decision process a man uses to talk and walk himself into marriage.

I advise you ladies to stay out of your man’s decision-making path. Your lack of patience and over-eagerness to express your total boatload of feelings screws up his thinking. You can overdo the latter to the point of appearing desperate, very bad for you. You should focus on making yourselves more magnetically likeable to each other. It’s two of the foundation stones of a man’s love, and it makes use of your feminine traits, talents, and skills.

Also, go slow and patiently. Allow him time to figure out winning you his way. Date, have fun, visit others, enjoy each other’s company. Make the most of associating, convenience, comfort, pleasure, and adventure that thaws and melts two personalities together on the road to becoming one couple. But let him convince himself to marry.

If he pursues you instead of just sex, he has anxieties to overcome to win you. Let him do his own overcoming. Your relieving his anxieties or making it easier for him to win you makes you a less-earned gift, less-satisfying achievement, and thus a less-valued objective.

Two objectives for you: Delay conquest as long as possible and don’t tell him how he is winning your heart. Your discretion of slowness and being non-committal serve you best. Go along encouragingly but let him figure out his progress, because it is both easier to believe and more permanent. Meanwhile:

  • Find out more about him that you appreciate and that support your loyalty and his likeability. He is learning to more deeply involve himself because of your attractive likeability. You may see your romantic love as mutual love, but it’s too early; he needs more time. Men are slow to love, but quick to commit with romantic love—provided they don’t have to use those three little words (sincerely and honestly, that is).
  • Avoid when possible or shorten all passion pit stops. Smiles, pleasant nature, and friendly defense of your reasons for chastity should not reflect adversely on him as person, man, or potential mate. (A woman can even marry a man she doesn’t respect, but a man can’t even love a woman he does not respect.)
  • Don’t criticize him, your feminine charm can do better. However, provide pleasant and unchallenging negative feedback and then quickly change the subject, each time that he violates your values, standards, and expectations. That is, red flags that are not severe enough to disqualify him for you. It’s how he learns who you really are down deep. It is also how you determine what values, standards, and expectations that you are willing to modify to accommodate him in your life.
  • Provide little feedback except to admire his integrity, sense of responsibility and dependability, and character traits that please you. IOW don’t run off at the mouth how great your relationship is developing, how he is in tune with your way of life, or what you have to offer as a wife. You want him to learn all about you and you of him, but you want a slow exchange of info to gently get used to each other.
  • Let big smiles of approbation and pleasant willingness go along with his desires; let them replace saying “I love you.” Your actions of support and dependence speak volumes for him to weigh and to measure how he is doing in the process of winning you. What he figures out is far more believable than what you tell him about yourself.
  • Demonstrate firm personal strength by not smothering him with your love that you are so anxious to display. If he learns in courtship that he has to earn rather than be given your love, it will likely continue after marriage for as long as you remain the woman to whom he proposes.
  • He is into decision-making once the thought of possible marriage comes alive. He has to overcome his expectations to match your deferring, delaying, refusing conquest. By doing so, he learns to honor your many other decisions about your life, which represents a major victory other than delaying conquest and actual marriage.
  • However, honoring your decision about chastity tampers with his sense of significance, which is the product of who he is self-admirably and what he is and does self-satisfactorily. It’s about to change and he must plan for doing it satisfactorily in his life and for you as his soon-to-be wife. The thought of adjusting his life and his multiple roles to earn you is not an easy thing to accept, but if he does and you marry, his respect lasts for life even if something else separates you.

This posting describes how women can enable a man’s process of deciding to commit to marriage. Many considerations and some anxieties flood both heart and mind as he tries to decide how to proceed with someone he wants alongside for life. She dreams of it, but he considers the worthiness of it. Rather than impose interruptions caused by female anxieties to move ahead more promptly, she does better by following the guidelines above.

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2554. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 07: She Enables Him


Seventh step: Another goal of courtship is to enable her man to walk himself to the altar. While it’s figurative, her job recognizes what he is going through and not interrupt his process. She captures him as her potential groom, but he captures himself for marriage. (I’m not sure a man’s true love emerges, if he does not go through this process, but that’s for future development.)

She looks at the brighter side of marriage and sees nothing but joy. He is quite different. He loves differently, and he assesses the reality of marriage, but only if he’s about to commit to loving a woman. (Otherwise, his mind is in neutral about it except for tips he picks up from buddies and witnesses in society.)

A man’s love is the product of his devotion to one woman, self-respecting  devotion to himself, and responsibility he accepts for providing, protecting, producing, and problem solving for her. Yes, devotion to his sense of duty is primary to his love. If he can’t deliver on his obligations as he expects, his love  must not be enough for marriage.

He ponders. Is he willing to take on new responsibility with the potential for pleasure, convenience, emotional connections, sex, disruptions, and problems of unknown origin and extent? Is she worth it? Of course she is, or he wouldn’t have gotten this far in decision making. But can his sense of duty adequately confirm his devotion to her, back up with actions the words that he used to win her? He continues to ponder.

Nevertheless, his love isn’t true love until he models his present life with her in  marriage. Something like this. First, he can’t do without her, it’s his requirement. Second, he can ‘own’ her, she’s submissive in spirit. Third, he can accept being responsible for whatever combines to produce them as couple with a life together.

His true love results from both his masculine persona and his devotion. His duty is to himself and to living his devotion to her. Not ‘us’ as women prefer, but her.

His true love looks like this: He has obligations to both of them. He to perform well doing his duty. She will do well in response to his sense of duty, devotion, respect, and in that order too (although I doubt the order is a conscious thought).

To him, his worst failure of love is to fall short in his sense of duty, to fail in his dedication to do right as he determines that right and which includes his devotion to her. (A powerful position that discourages cheating, does it not?) Such a failure adversely impacts his sense of significance, which makes it all the worse for him and helps motivate him strongly to prevent such a failure.(Women fail to recognize the abiding role of fear in the male psyche, because men suffer it in background.)

His second failure of love is to lose his devotion to her, which results from the fading of her likeability or loyalty to him. IOW, she changed too much from the woman that was his bride. His third failure of love arises out her losing his respect, again, most likely she changed too much but perhaps in other ways. (I personally know of a bride changing into a different woman on her wedding night.)

He decides they will marry. Sacrificing his independence, he expects satisfaction from the swap with a great win out of marriage that goes far beyond conquest. He expects satisfaction that he has done right and well. Her uplifting love helps.

His march to the altar transpires amid all that above.

  • He seeks to conquer her soon after they meet. She refuses. He tries harder. She refuses. He looks for weaknesses to facilitate conquest, she refuses.
  • While continuing to look for weaknesses in background mode, he associates with her and spots qualities that he can admire. They become virtues to him. Courtship continues along that line and her virtues pile up. Soon she appears fascinating with so many virtues, and the hook goes in his mouth. Conquest becomes less of a priority. Fascination compounds into promise for improving his present life by having her alongside.
  • By the time he decides that she is the one for him, his original goal of conquest morphs into something less critical. It is good for her, because sex—first time or later—neither bonds him as she expects nor holds a man in marriage. Whereas, finding more and more virtues makes her more appealing as a virtuous woman, which all men hope to marry.
  • When her promise as wife exceeds loss of his independence, hook is set, and he proposes. She reels him in with acceptance. He begs off and suggests she knows what to do, so she and mother can plan the wedding. He will meet her at the altar. Men have little or no interest in planning such an event, and she does not do all that well to get him intimately involved. Guest list, yes, but not much more. (I don’t mean to deal men out, just that they by nature mostly have a preference to leave important female things to women.)
  • That is how she wins in the end, provided she does not interrupt the process that he undergoes in his own mind. He is primarily a thinker, and she needs to stay clear except to participate as invited into his dream analysis process. The wedding excepted, what he figures is best for him is best for both him and her. She needs to make herself more likeable and loyal without trying to facilitate his thought processes.

In the final analysis, a man’s premarital decisions are about satisfying himself that he can deliver on his obligations to do right by them as couple, do right by her with his devotion, and do right as possible with what she expects. It is a man’s true love, that keeps him from stumbling down both the figurative and literal aisle.

Next: Some tips to stay out of his decision making process and facilitate his decision to walk down the aisle.

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2553. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 06: She Earns Devotion


Sixth step: Women do not separate devotion and love as I do (see 2552). They call it manly love, but it’s a man’s devotion that first wins a woman’s heart. His confirming love develops over time. She is so likeable that he devotes himself in dating and courtship, and it enables his love to develop.

When marriage comes up, she faces this dilemma. She thinks in terms of the future brightening up for them as a couple. He thinks in terms of living as a couple in the present. What she envisions concerns and may threaten him. Can he do it? Does he want to? What does he have to give up? How is his present life affected? Can he ever escape? At what price? Can’t we test it by shacking up?

She wants marriage, but he has to buy into it. She’s the seller of marriage but the buyer of Mr. Good Enough. The process requires concurrent screening of him to ensure good enough and shaping his thinking to match hers about marriage. It’s called successful courtship and engagement, and she is in charge without seeming to be.

He is chasing conquest, but her chastity makes him think deeper into what role marriage plays in his conquering endeavors and his way of life. Men have not the foggiest conception of what a woman has in mind for her marriage. The steeper his learning curve, the more faults, excuses, and ‘unacceptables’ he finds.

She does best by proceeding with a flatter learning curve by dragging out a lengthy courtship. She lets him work his thinking up to marriage. Two things prompt it best: She refuses conquest, and she doesn’t admit to “I love you” for as long as possible.

Three little words are neither appealing nor good advertising but admission that he has already won her. Hints are okay and more productive than the words. Much more than they are told, men believe what they figure out from evidence they gather. He may want to hear her speak the words, even ask, but her loving actions and wordy silence says he’s not yet worthy enough. Hearing those words is something else for him to earn; more effective for her, because men don’t appreciate unearned gifts.

Devotion is more magnetic than a man’s love and simpler to earn. It is her primary objective. His love is so different from a woman’s that it is never enough for her, he is reluctant to speak of it, and she learns to live with insufficiency until he is ready to admit it. (Her pressures to gain his equal commitment of love just leads to her frustration when he cannot commit that way, which tempts her to blame him, which turns him off about her.)

The emotional connection that his devotion creates can sustain a famine of three little words, if she is calm and confident enough. Modern women act on the conviction that he needs to hear of her love to keep from losing him, rather than the wiser option that he should have to work for it to earn her.

Chastity adds to the ease of earning a man’s devotion. He keeps pleasing her out of frustration trying to bed her, and his actions program his heart with devotion. In much the same way, her inclination to NOT use three little words to help her agenda programs his heart in her favor.

Three little words have very little if anything to do with earning a man’s devotion. In fact, the longer she is silent about them, the better for her. Several reasons:

  1. Love grows best and chastity is sustained easier when the focus is the couple’s actions and presumed emotional connections rather than directly sharing their feelings for each other. When women are quiet, they notice that men don’t bring up the subject. Less frequent sharing leads to longer courtships and develops benefits for women. More frequent sharing invites early conquest (but it works well to hold a couple together, as their love matures after conquest).
  2. He pursues her before his emotional connection has developed into love; devotion substitutes. Her three little words are a mark of his success. If early in the relationship, hearing them means he has already done enough to win her, he doesn’t have to work as hard to please her, he can take his mind off her to spend on job and life, he can do less to please her, it slows or stops development of his devotion, and it weakens courtship intensity. Of course, that is worst-case scenario.
  3. Why say I love you? If she doesn’t offer it in order to please herself, he tries harder to earn her attention, affection, and induce her to say it. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts; he expects to work to get her to say it. Offered too early in his determined effort to get her in bed, means that he didn’t have to work hard. I love you is unearned, and she loses respect for loving him but refusing to bed him.
  4. It is not something he needs to hear; he judges her actions. She volunteers three little words in the mistaken belief he wants to hear them; actually she does it more to please herself by pleasing him. It’s her form of devotion and she is proud, but it does little good in the long run.
  5. Moreover, her words carry an implicit obligation. How should he respond? He wonders, is he expected to confess the same? If so, what obligation? Same as hers? It’s unstated so he has to guess! The relationship changed, so how does he act now? His anxiety starts to build, what does she expect of him? How does he hide his anxiety without offending? Why can’t we just enjoy ourselves together as friends? Moreover, she wants to hear the same from him, and he’s not ready. His love not having developed, he is not inclined to utter it—sincerely and meaningfully, that is.

Devoted, a man’s habits please himself by pleasing her, to make her happy or at least pleased with him. He’s willing to shack up, as it relieves anxieties that come between devotion and marriage.

Devotion makes him more sensitive to her needs. Of course, being denied conquest, his curiosity and imagination are active to figure out the price he has to pay to bed her. After awhile, marriage becomes more appealing than before.

She may prompt but he initiates most of his actions that program his heart with devotion. The following examples accumulate over time. Just to please her, these things become natural to him until his giving becomes habitual. Gifts of whatever kind given randomly rather than expectedly (random as to item, habitual as to giving); paying attention to what she says; listening well when she talks; gifts picked up out of convenience; thoughtful attempts to make her feel good about herself; love letters; surprises; finishing tasks so that she has no complaints; seeking her advice on matters mostly of interest to him; defending her against criticism by anyone else; suggesting rather than criticizing; lifting her spirits, empathizing and sympathizing as appropriate, doing chores that help her, and planting seeds that something is wrong or needs improvement. In a manly way he copies many techniques of the female nature—e.g., indirectness—without acting femmy or even close.

As long as she enables him to think that he is eligible for her love, he has no incentive for new habits and gifting. The more she hides her eagerness for him, the less he knows about where he stands with her, and the more likely he learns to take actions that program his heart with devotion.

The smart woman never casts doubt on his devotion; e.g., all gifts enthuse her and exalt his presence in her life; if she does not like his taste then she still wears it, eats, drinks, or displays it at least once—and as if she loves it. No gift is ever wrong, task unnecessary, or efforts unrecognized even if he cannot be rewarded. (Incidentally, it carries an implicit message for wives. Devotion has to be sustained after marriage. A husband’s devotion can easily be killed by taking the opposite attitude of that just cited.)

Women are in charge of earning a man’s devotion. There is no motivation except self-motivation. Consequently, women have to motivate themselves to be the kind of woman that encourages a man to motivate himself to become devoted to her. Indirectness wins again. Becoming that kind of woman will be addressed in Step 10.

Next: Allow your man to walk himself to the altar.

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2552. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 05: Man’s True Love


Fifth step: View all men as bipolar, not in the clinical but the romantic/marital sense.

Consequently, men don’t love as women do, which explains why women don’t get what they expect. His love is more mental than heartfelt like a woman’s. Devotion is his form of heartfelt emotion. His devotion develops in heart, while love develops in mind. Bipolar! Devotion is bodyguard to his love, and so it comes first with little bonding while his love bonds deeply in background.

Women see his devotion, call it love, judge it adequate or not, and then give him far too little credit for his true love. Devotion scouts her out, confirms the requirements to qualify her for his love, and then devotion keeps him continually advised of his wisdom for having chosen her. The weather of his devotion, stormy or peaceful, keeps his mind advised continually of the wisdom of having chosen her.

While his devotion can seem fickle at times, she should do a self-analysis if devotion tends not to match her attitude. Or, if his devotion fails to bounce slightly up and down, roll with daily punches, and keep both sides pleasant if not happy. Otherwise, his bodyguard’s extended fickleness or unpleasant attitude is waving a red flag, and his love will become questionable or start to falter unless she does something to improve their relationship as measured by his original expressions of devotion.

His devotion is more visible and relevant in her life than his love, because it’s the bodyguard of his mind. Paradox? You bet. The way to a man’s heart is to engender his devotion and forget his love, which will magically appear later if her behavior doesn’t discourage it and she remains the gal of his dreams.

A man’s love takes a time to develop. First, he has to see actions that match her words that he is the one for her. Second, he expects to see the following portrayed over time. 1) She continues to be and should become even more likeable, and 2) he is willing to commit to himself to be loyal to her. He decides he can give up all others to possess her. 3) He has to witness that he is very likeable to her, and 4) that she consistently demonstrates loyalty to him with actions that confirm her words. All of which composes over time mostly out of his mental, self-examining, and trust-building thoughts that develop in parallel with her fascination and promise as a potential mate.

Witnessing those four requirements in both actions and confirming words, he can admit to himself that he probably loves her. He has emotional connections, but it doesn’t mean he admits it’s love. He stays flexible, and subsequently, his love evolves out of and is confirmed continuously by 1) self-admiration for possessing her and 2) respect for her generated by her trust of him. Then he can integrate his love of her with his present life, out of which his true love emerges.

His love is the product of his mind, of who he is as a man and not just as a mate, which brings his outside world into their life together. Reread that, gals. His true love is the product of who he is. It isn’t just you that he loves. In female lingo, it’s us, but technically not so. Instead, ‘it is me with her at my side’. He is a bigger and better man, or else it isn’t true love. (Wives often get a blank stare when they try to convince husband that ‘us’ is the most important. His sense of manly—as opposed to female love—knows there is much more involved.)

His sense of self-admiration that is pleased by her respect and his possessing her are products of his mind rather than his heart. His devotion, however, is more heart than mind, which makes it more valuable to her and can be quicker and easier to win. For example, love at first sight for a man is a misnomer. Devotion is more accurate.

A man’s devotion is what women seek and appreciate, before they learn better by maturing alongside a man in a successful relationship. Being the precursor, devotion is more easily displayable than his love that remains unformed. Devotion is also more pleasing to females, because affection more easily flows out of it.

Devotion develops quickly in his heart, and he’s not resistant and perhaps even eager to show it. It is his emotional connection and showing it has these effects. He doesn’t obligate himself, and it helps him along the road to conquest, which never leaves his subconscious mind as primary objective.

OTOH, a man’s love is less active, more resistant to disclosure, and much more serious, because it shapes the way he lives. Once committed to follow his devotion, self-imposed obligations pervade and expand his sense of duty and responsibility. Just as women are born to love, to use it, and to spread it; a man is born to use his sense of duty to care for those for whom he accepts responsibility. His sense of duty governs his life, what needs to be done must be done. It is an emotional factor not openly shared with his woman, and it is separate from his devotion to her. Thus, a man’s order of dedication to his own life overrides his emotional connections to her. His devotion is to her; his love is to his life.

A man’s love energizes his endeavors on their behalf. His devotion surprises her with a kiss on the back of the neck, a gift, and various attentions that she sees as expressions of his love. But it is only the internal home-side side of his life, his devotion. He has a much deeper connection to himself and his multiple roles in life. When she is grateful for his serving her, depends on him as his true love expects, and lives with whatever level of devotion he chooses to deliver in response to her likeability, then she can recognize true love.

His devotion drives his attention to her personally, but his true love is energized by his sense of duty and responsibility and lurks in background of their home. It’s the true love that keeps him around to accept putting up with all her s*** long after her likeability fades and his devoted bodyguard exclaims, let’s get out.

Over time, weakening of devotion shocks his mind. Her loyalty dissipates under suspicion for cheating; she nags and nags; shows disrespect; she does not listen to him; interrupts far too much; demeans him or his efforts; flings guilt at him; criticizes him; or regards his comments or explanations of things in life as unworthy of her full attention. Her likeability deteriorates, and his devotion dissolves. His mind follows, but there is a ground floor beyond which his sense of duty will not go unless pushed so far that it threatens his ego. (His greatest fear is insignificance aka ego by females.)

The strength of masculine true love holds a couple together long after devotion has died and they learn to live different lives under the same roof. It is the real strength that overcomes and can outlast the inborn fickleness of females that they never have enough, when it comes to a return on their investment of love.

His love reinforces itself in spite of daily pressures—e.g., on the job, parents’ conditions, economic conditions—that have little to do with her directly. However, his devotion varies according to her daily changes in likeability and loyalty. When his devotion weakens or steadies at a lower level, the bonding of his love is threatened but much slower to respond than that of his bodyguard.

Women tend to expect men to act like women in a continuous love scene. Not about to happen, but women remain in charge because of their relationship expertise that makes them the superior gender. When they calm their loving instincts a little and throw away the urge to blame, the odds of winning the heart of a man will go up dramatically and re-gain the momentum that brings fruition to lifetime marriage.

All of the above takes place both before or after marriage.

Next: Women should chase devotion and not masculine love.

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2551. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 04: Principles re Love (II)


Fourth step: More factors and principles intrude to play major roles whether sought or not. They too cannot be ignored in the process of winning a man’s heart.

  1. He thinks of marriage to fit into his present life and expects it to always be the same. She thinks of marriage for the future and expects that she can morph it to fit her girlhood hopes and dreams. He marries expecting her not to change, but she does. She marries expecting him to change, but he doesn’t.
  2. Women primarily rely on words and what they hear, men do not. Men primarily rely on actions and what they see. It is a gap that women as relationship experts are born to close amicably and to each woman’s advantage.
  3. Men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Each man identifies each woman’s virtues, which are qualities that he admires. The more virtues the more attractive and, hence, more appealing for marriage.
  4. Before conquest he determines that she is either a keeper, booty, or disposable. He knows the long-range and perhaps short-range outcome. His presumption can change to her favor, if she delays conquest long enough for him to find her more virtuous, more promising as a keeper than previously imagined.
  5. Men will do whatever women require for convenient and frequent access to sex, and it includes marriage when women present it appealingly enough. She can lead a horse to drink, but she can’t make him water.
  6. Nothing a woman can do earns more masculine respect than diligently guarding against conquest with friendly, admirable, and non-offending persistence; e.g., no threat to his ego or her likeability. In that way, she charges the highest price—holding a hunter-conqueror at bay and at her discretion, which establishes her uniqueness among women—for what men value the highest of all her assets, first sex together. The longer she defers conquest, and considerably after his dedicated obligation to marry, she has earned the most binding masculine respect. It is an indelible respect that is difficult to lose—even if they later split up.
  7. Men avoid competing with a woman except for the period of time they pursue conquest. He will compete vigorously and let her do the same working toward their first sex together. Not compete post-conquest for more sex, however, just for conquest because he changes dramatically after that. So, a woman is free to do whatever is necessary in refusing to yield, so long as he does not get the message that he is disqualified and has no role in her life.
  8. All that they both do is done for themselves in the end. Even expressions of her love make her feel good about herself more than others. Consequently, her words of love that make her feel so good have little effect on her boyfriend; he is awaiting her actions to confirm it. Actions that identify her true self, and he expects will continue, if they marry.
  9. Women have by far the worst dilemma. She either values current boyfriend or marriage as the highest of her priorities. She does not have to value marriage more than him, but she has to convince him that she does. Else, she cannot defend her position about remaining chaste without driving him off in the process. It is a terrible dilemma and many women find the process very difficult.
  10. If she is the right woman for him, his actions walk him into devotion, love, and marriage, if she will but refrain from interfering by placing demands on him, opening her mouth too much, or otherwise making herself unlikeable or less attractive.

She should not let him know the deeper reasons that govern her life. It gives away her mystery, because men judge women by the curiosity that stirs their imagination. Examples: 1) Do not claim that he is Mr. Right, especially not to him. 2) The one most fearful of losing the other is the one most likely to lose, so she should not show fear if he threatens to dump her for not yielding to his conquest. 3) She should not disclose that she is withholding sex until she marries. Even though her intent, she should not confess it, because it weakens his hope, which pressures him to quit her. 4) She should not reveal that he has won her, she belongs to him, he is the only man in her life, or that he is free to do anything he pleases without losing her.

Men do not love as women do. Women reach for the wrong thing. His devotion is more visible and relevant in her life than his love, although his love drives his devotion. Paradox? You bet. Put it this way: The way to a man’s heart is to engender his devotion and forget his love, which will magically appear later. The details are next.

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2550. Ten Steps To Win A Man’s Heart — Step 03: Principles re Love (I)


Third step: I will be posting about two dozen influences that impact every relationship in some way that a manager should recognize. She must convince herself to expect that the following principles will be naturally injected into her relationship whether she wants them or not. She should play and take advantage of each in any way that she can.

  1. A man cannot love a woman he does not respect, and she has the burden to earn it. Men consider female sexual assets as the grandest of possessions, but only their first sex together. After that she is another conquered woman. If men had something as valuable and desirable, they would not give it up except at a very high price.
  2. Men are born to dominate women, but women are the superior sex. They are born with special relationship skills lacking in men. Men are immovable objects. Women are an irresistible force; they are born with extra skills capable of moving obstinate men as each woman gains familiarity with her ability and masters the art of reading each male.
  3. On first encounter, a man expects to dominate the talk. He unloads what he has to offer her in hopes of selling himself. She does best to do the opposite. She is the buyer, and the buyer who discloses what she’s willing to pay will pay the highest price.
  4. Her relationship expertise enables a woman to overcome male dominance. However, strategic mistakes, such as premature yielding of their first sex together, weaken a woman’s superior expertise. So do tactical blunders, such as getting in his face. Disclosing who and what she is that she wants him to know. Too much nervousness that stimulates her continuous chattering. Not listening to his speechifying that emerge from his self-recognized super intellect. Disregarding his opinions and outlooks concerning the future he offers her. Interrupting and forcing him to distort his plan of attack. Offering her opinions, which are of no interest or relevance of where he’s trying to take their conversation. More effectively, her relative quiet stimulates a seller to keep trying to convince her of the worth of his product, which means she gains most by talking least.
  5. Two conquerors face off. The longer she delays conquest, the more of his high-quality respect she earns, and respect is the foundation of his hoped-for love.
  6. Conquerors have rights. Should she yield prematurely, he is good enough and now ‘owns’ her. Her right to compete against his conquering effort is gone. By proving himself good enough for her to yield, he is released without further burden. Competition for sex ceases, since he owns their sexual agenda. He may feel further obligated to her or not. Conquest is its own natural release back into hunter-conqueror mode and freedom and independence to pursue other targets.
  7. A man knows before conquest. Her worth after conquest is predetermined. She’s a keeper, booty, or dumpee. It is his nature more than her, and she should see it coming before conquest. Extensive dating sends her many hints of what to expect, of how he regards her as sex object or potential mate. To not be surprised calls for her greatest skill to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver a man, just to find out what to expect and the role she will fill if she does yield for his conquest.
  8. Men change dramatically after conquest in ways that do not promote marriage. Women respond in order to promote marriage. If she is a keeper in his eyes, it shifts them to renegotiating a relationship, albeit on friendly grounds. If successful, the woman remains in charge of continuing to manage the relationship.
  9. Both sexes compete with diligence to promote their own conquering agenda. If he wins, he dominates their later relationship. If she wins, she governs their lifetime relationship, because she held out until his devotion developed.
  10. She is the relationship expert; he knows nothing about it. To him, their relationship is either on or off, up or down, existing or dead. Her relationship management services are needed continuously.
  11. Two distinctly different promises exist; that which he sees in her and that which she promises for his life. Her promises actually work against her. They distract his attention from figuring out her and him living together. He trusts what he figures out, and distrusts the words of another. Again, it’s his nature. Even if she succeeds in talking him into marriage, it likely will not last.

Adopting the strategy of virtual virginity offers the greatest strength to counter and delay his competitive determination to conquer her. Virtual virginity means to remain unconquerable before marriage, even though she may have previously been married or even promiscuous. If a woman decides to use the VV strategy, she inherited at birth the determination and wisdom to sustain it. Her reason to remain sexually inactive with him may be moral, religious, or personal taste. If, however, he will not honor her decision to remain chaste, he does not love her enough, will not honor other requests should they marry, and is probably after sex more than her. Note well, her reasons to support chasteness should always be for something higher than herself and never to ‘save’ herself for her husband. And she should never say she is ‘holding herselffor her husband; it kills a man’s hope and gives him info he can use against her.

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Filed under courtship, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2549. Fellatio—No, Go, or Know?


At 2546, Her Highness Christine motivated me to respond to this, “I’m struggling to understand why no fellatio during courtship, whether there is fellatio in marriage and if not, why.”

The following are default motivators that reside in men and women as the result of how they are born. It doesn’t mean they have to act this way, and of course they don’t. But it’s their inborn nature, and it produces the most compatible and permanent arrangements within a couple, which according to the inborn female nature is the most highly desired result.

  • Men are driven to compete with other men, whatever gets in their way, and to shape human events. A woman’s refusal for first time sex together gets in his way, and the hunter-conqueror determines to shape events to his liking. Men are also born with self-respect and do not give it away until it is earned by either men or women.
  • A man’s love of a woman is based on the respect she earns from him; it’s an essential foundation. Without it, his love will not develop or at least not deeply enough to satisfy her. They drift apart or worse.
  • The respect she earns by delaying conquest and making him await her decision to yield is the highest she can earn, it is different from other respect she may earn for beauty, intelligence, athletic prowess, etc. Moreover, it is an unconditional type of respect—even resembling mother love in loyalty, and it programs his heart for life. He learns to respect the better conqueror.
  • He may later lose his love of her, but her courage and determination remains in his heart; she delayed his great conquering threat long enough for her to get what she wanted. Respect she earns is proportional to delay.
  • He spends his courtship time and effort trying to uncover her weaknesses so he can bed her. But what he uncovers instead are her qualities that he can admire, each of which becomes a virtue to him. Seeking to marry a virtuous woman, as do all men, her virtues accumulate. Many virtues eventually morph into a fascinating woman, he sees her promise as mate for his present life, and the hook is set in his mouth that a proposal is best for him.
  • The great respect she earns overcoming his best efforts overwhelm his primal urge to conquer. Just by refusing to yield, she becomes his relatively innocent and immaculate prize. He can presume that she must not have yielded to all those other guys, if she could refuse all his charm, effort, and determination.
  • He figures it out, which makes it easier to believe; he has some guarantee that she is reasonably close to unblemished. Not that virginity is sacrosanct, but not following a whole bunch is guys is critical to him. When he ‘owns’ something by virtue of winning, he doesn’t want to meet previous ‘owners’.
  • Of course it sounds sexist, but it is his nature. These flood him: pride of possession, self-admiration for winning, self-satisfaction of ‘owning’ the best, and sense of significance of who he now is and what he can do with her alongside. Not sexist but self-interest; that which motivates everyone.

That is the basis for a couple’s success. The more respect she earns, the stronger the foundation of his love and all the other connections that produce a compatible and permanent life together.

 

A relationship usually starts his way. Starting as competitors with the man acting dominant, a woman is expected to bow to masculine wishes. When women bow easily, they earn no respect. So, cheap and easy sex generates no respect and men do not bond with sex. Double miss for her. The relationship is temporary. What is fellatio but easy sex? Ask and you shall receive. So, it adds neither respect nor permanence in an uncommitted relationship.

In a committed relationship, much the same thing happens. Fellatio is cheap and easy, but it reverses the process of earning a man’s respect. If he says do it, she says no, he insists, and she does it. Easy pushover and just what men don’t respect. Or, she chooses to initiate, he accepts, and then remembers how men disrespectfully treat each other, something from childhood and beyond.

I’m told that pleasure motivates one for sex, which elevates fellatio in the options available. Not being the prime motivator, however, makes it suspect as to the naturalness of it. If pleasure be the guide, then fellatio can be called natural. But I cite four motivational forces that are more natural than pleasure:

  • Her physiological urge to nurture triggers the urge to procreate.
  • Her psychological need to assuage the needs of others stimulates her to copulate.
  • Her natural need for self-importance ignites ambitions to outdo and outshine other women to capture and mate with the best quality man, whom she seeks to ensure high quality offspring. Necessarily, because of the male nature, it usually involves sexual relations.
  • Her nature craves intimacy, especially when her spirits are down. The promise of pre- and post-coital touching and body closeness fuels her desire for sex.

Does that make fellatio unnatural? Close to it? Respectable? Worthy of respect?

What is the primal and primary form of men showing dominance of a woman? Demo of strength? Physical control? Overbearing attitude? None of those? It is and always has been poking his penis in her. Are all orifices the same in terms of either earning or losing his respect for her allowing it? Do men consider themselves well respected to have their orifices penetrated? Or does the earning and losing of respect desert the male mind when in bed?

Better yet, what is the primal and primary form of men showing dominance of a woman that he respects? Men claim that fellatio has no effect on their respect for a woman. Can such a claim be trusted? Man on man makes a difference.

“Suck my cock” is a common expletive and way that boys and men use to tell another that I have no respect for you, so take off, butt out, or whatever to close the encounter. Disrespectful actions beget disrespect. Wife/girlfriend repeatedly does a disrespectful thing, and his respect dwindles or worse. Whether girlfriend or wife,  fellatio neither earns nor upholds a boyfriend’s or husband’s respect. Doesn’t mean they can’t survive as a couple, but his love cannot fail to diminish as his respect wanes. His devotion may save their relationship but that’s another story being told in the current series, Ten Steps to Win a Man’s Heart.

Finally, I regret having sampled some porn video. But I quickly lost respect for porn dolls with semen slobbers on face and dribbles on chin. Just how does a female gain advantage by fellatio except for money?

FURTHER COMMENT. A man’s respect and fellatio may not be mutually exclusive. But for a woman to think fellatio promotes her advantage to keep a man is mutually exclusive. Were I a woman currently engaging in fellatio with my man, I would try to disengage by using the tactics described in the Virtual Virginity series listed in the CONTENT page at blog top. The VV process requires that a man respect a woman’s decision to withdraw from specific sexual activity. Unfortunately, not all men have the heart to show that much respect to their woman—so I would be very careful before presuming myself victorious.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind