2162. ATTENTION, Ladies


I regret interrupting the flow of Mid-life Dating series, but I must tend to an admin matter.

Recently I was taken out behind the woodshed and verbally paddled for my blog attitude, style, and etiquette. I bump the issue to you for confirmation or denial.

I need the truth and ask for it clearly rather than dearly. I can handle both as I’ve been making mistakes for 80 years. I can also improve whatever needs it. Of course, my accusers will read your responses.

I don’t mind the criticism unless you ladies feel the same way. Therefore, I ask for your opinion in a simple format. For each paragraph number below, cite your response with simple terms such as yes, no, true, false, sometimes, never, always, frequently, constantly, agree, disagree, or whatever else you choose. One word for each number is all I need although you may use whatever reports the truth as you see it.

  1. My attitude is directly or indirectly disrespectful of readers.
  2. I was told that I frequently reflect anger, am critical of people, or belittle my readers.
  3. As the accusation goes, when someone says something that I specifically disagree with, I’m short tempered, short sighted, and inconsiderate to both men and women who disagree and others by implication.
  4. The example of poor etiquette is my using upper case text when I respond to many questions embedded in long comments. Unknown to me, use of upper case on the net is called shouting and is therefore demeaning. Is that so? You read it that way? (Incidentally, I have no other effective way of inserting my comments within a long series of questions from readers. If I answer many at the bottom, it makes for too much duplication or too tough reading. Caps avoid that.)
  5. Do you get the idea that I put readers down, demean them, disrespect them, or doubt their worth as a person, woman, reader, visitor, questioner, dater, mother, single mom, sex addict, former child, fearful person, girlfriend, wife, grandmother, lesbian, or transgendered mate? One exception: super-activist or radical spreader of Feminism into the social and domestic arenas.

Explanations are welcome but unnecessary. I first have to confirm or deny accusations, determine my guilt or innocence, and bring about whatever changes I choose to make. I don’t intend to silence my critics but to please myself and my readers.

Very respectfully,

Guy

 

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2161. Dating in Mid-life — Part B5: Conquest and Marriage Matrix


At 2159 Her Highness Emma wondered if “higher urges of sex drive or need for admiration” dismisses the urge for a long term union. I’m not sure alpha-ness, testosterone, or any other single feature is the ‘determinator’ of either a man’s drive to specialize at conquering women or his preference for a short or long term marriage.

A dating man can never completely know you. Conquest convinces that he knows you quite well enough to deal with you as he desires. On the other hand, the better you know men and learn to know one without having to yield, the greater your advantage. I know women are better readers of men than the other way around. While the table below may seem too abstract, it may well help you along.

The table presents the dating arena as three dimensional: conquest, marriage, and time, presuming that both sexes will appear slightly different at different times. It reflects the combination of mental ingredients and psychic determinations that I think contribute the most motivational force in each direction of the dating arena.

 HOW MEN PURSUE CONQUEST AND MARRIAGE  Self-esteem: How well he likes (high), regrettably dislikes (low), or even loathes himself (lowest) as a person.  Self-image: Picture he has of himself as an effective and easily satisfied man or, perhaps, the opposite, or somewhere in between.

 

Self-interest: His personal intentions and goals that urge him to action and inaction; the same way self- interest motivates everyone.
High interest in conquering many women. Low or lowest self-esteem; he can’t highly esteem others until they prove themselves highly worthy of respect and maybe not even then.

 

Dominant self-image; uses it to prove himself superior to women and men he can dominate or outcompete. Uses sexual excitement and achievement to earn self-admiration, personal satisfaction, and significance.
Low interest in conquering many women. High self-esteem; shares it by readily respecting others; has special esteem and even respect for the weaker sex. Self-assured self-image; satisfied with who he is and what he does; needs little from women because he can be easily satisfied by one.

 

Has other challenges than frequent conquests; other goals have better return on investment for his time and effort.
Not interested in long-term marriage; thinks more of not closing off options. Low or lowest self-esteem; has very limited ability to like others for very long time; tires easily of familiar personalities; seeks excitement.

 

Poorly defined self-image; easily frustrated and keeps options open to escape easily at his discretion. Has broad rather than deep interest in marriage; keeps options open to easily shift from tiring to fresh challenges.
Interested in long-term marriage; willing to commit with expectations for life. High self-esteem; likes himself so well he readily and enjoyably shares his likeability. Self-energizing picture of himself; eager to step up to greater responsibility. Envisions pleasurable life in companionship and challenge of greater responsibility especially for others.

 

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2160. Dating in Mid-life — Part B4: Risk Takers Win


 Older men respond much as they did when younger and sometimes easier than expected. After all, their present and future life appears much different than decades earlier. I know of these stories from my personal life, but the times are not as precise as depicted.

  • Widow for 25 years meets widower of several years. They date for more than a year that includes several long distance trips. Travel always includes two bedrooms. She rejects marriage because his isn’t saved, and she rejects sex because they aren’t married. Unexpectedly, my Grace leads him to the Lord and they marry soon after.
  • Mature never-married woman has one grown child long out of the nest. She meets older man fixing her PC. They date but she refuses sex until they marry. His interest continues. He becomes eager to marry after a year or two dating and traveling and using separate bedrooms. He also changes his religious affiliation to match hers. (I don’t know if denomination change was a requirement of hers but I strongly suspect it was as she had years earlier left his church.)
  • Twentysomething single mother with baby son is shacked-up with adultolescent and irresponsible father. Fed up, she kicks him out. Lets him visit son regularly and refuses all overtures to make up or remain overnight. No sex, period. After more than a year of living apart, he proposes with the confession he cannot live without her. They marry and now live happily in second or third decade of marriage. Husband grew into an emboldened and mature sense of domestic responsibility and initiative. Successfully started his own business, and they raised their son to become Eagle Scout. Mostly by himself, he built their home in the country after clearing the woods and ground. Rough-hewn life by husband for his family, but her love smoothed it all out around the edges.

Risk takers succeed everywhere. It’s all in the know-how that flows quite naturally out of the well-prepared hearts of females.

Next: Factors that cause men to pursue conquest and marriage tomorrow at #2161.

 

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2159. Dating in Mid-life — Part B3: Elephant in the Room


Here’s politics in the raw. During your first date, two conquerors face off. He seeks sex without obligation, but expects to pay some price that you determine and he hopes to minimize. You seek a permanent relationship by doing whatever you think it will take.

I think of successful relationship development in four stages that develop progressively and remain dependent on each other. 1) His interest matches your likeability. 2) His loyalty matches your love. 3) His commitment matches mutual promises of sexual fidelity. 4) His devotion matches your plans for your future together. But an elephantine risk for you lurks in the background.

His primal and endless urge to conquer attractive women has spotlighted you as a target. Don’t disregard the importance of that urge hardwired in his psyche. Be prepared, know what’s forthcoming if you yield sexually.

This is the elephant: He will reveal a different persona if and when he conquers you. The elephantine risk is whether you will end up as keeper, booty, or dumpee.

Conquest releases his nature to hunt again, and you discover what you really mean to him. You tame that elephant if you successfully develop a mutually loyal relationship while dating. Then in courtship you expand promises of loyalty to commitment and on to mutual devotion, which effectively ties the elephant’s leg to a well-anchored peg in the ground.

Your importance to a potential conqueror does not guarantee that you will remain important to him after conquest. If he hasn’t pledged exclusive loyalty based on good character, committed faithfully based on words of integrity, or become devoted to you so obvious in his actions—all before you yield—then he feels no obligation to refrain from hunting elsewhere.

Devotion to one woman is the only thing that truly tames—not kills, just tames—a man’s hardwired hankering to conquer attractive women. Devotion develops out of his daily actions and reinforcing words designed to please himself by pleasing you. Growth toward devotion also energizes him to not disappoint you. He routinely if not often enough pleases you and finds opportunity to please himself for lifting your spirits whether you need it or not. He goes all out on your behalf when you hurt inside or outside. Furthermore, his actions and attentions are consistent and persistent and not dependent on his convenience.

When we see a man who falls in love at first sight, we see devotion formed instantaneously. It isn’t the love that females sense and claim. Masculine loyalty and faithfulness spring out with effects that match female love.

A lot of time is required to tame and then peg that elephant to the ground. Months and perhaps a year or more depending on you and your romance target. You have by far the greater challenge, which is why God gave you relationship expertise. You  hold him off sexually while making and keeping yourself attractive, likeable, and loyal to his satisfaction. Your wordy expressions of love don’t work nearly as well as those qualities; his primary sensor is eyes and not ears, his expectation is satisfaction and not happiness.

However, a natural process exists that you can use. No guarantees, but the odds favor you as successes accumulate inside the process described as He Walks Himself to the Altar (coming later).

I almost forgot. In the dating arena, the elephant shrinks in size with aging. Huge at age 30, by age 60 it should be dwarf-size, perhaps self-tied to the peg in the ground, and of little risk or threat. You ladies know how to adjust according to the age of your romance targets.

Risk takers win, and that’s for tomorrow at #2160.

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2158. Dating in Mid-life — Part B2: Chaste Courtship Works [492]


Relationship development begins at end of first date. Want it or not? It’s up to you, provided numero uno seller thought you numero uno buyer.

Life is a power game. So are relationships with these exceptions. Dating and successful courtships are predominantly an endless mind game. They require that you make your man more female friendly by subtly neutralizing two masculine drives, those for dominance and sex. You do so by substituting opportunities and promises that satisfy his urge to achieve, which is another primal urge that triggers his prime motivator for increasing his sense of self-admiration.

In effect, dating and courtship require that his feelings be drawn away from dominance and especially sex to magnify and focus on you and your interest. Your biggest challenge is to encourage him such that his romantic love morphs into enduring love, but you may have up to a year or more to make it happen.

Contrary to what women believe, lathering on your love and affection doesn’t win him. First, he doesn’t need it; he does like to see it however as confirmation that you like him and he’s making progress toward his objectives. Second, smothered with love reminds of mom, nurturing, and childhood, which may be too much and irritate if not offend him. He looks more for loyalty than affection.

The human mind works diligently to erase conflicting and disruptive thoughts or ‘noise’, aka cognitive dissonance. For erasing the noise, actions overpower feelings, e.g., action cures fear and conquest enlarges his significance. Consequently, deliberate actions can change one’s feelings.

Actions that contradict emotions overwrite feelings with new ones. For example, act as if you love someone, and love will blossom. Act as if you love them more and more, and love deepens.

Women do it naturally. Men don’t, which is why long non-sexual courtships work best to capture and hold a man. His actions, both trying to influence you to yield sex and simultaneously not displease you, program his heart with a sense of loyalty that over time grows into devotion.

You expect and he demonstrates his infatuation or romantic love with actions—flowers, gifts, hot dates, surprises, special attentions, and deep inquiries into your interests. Having to simultaneously suppress lustful urges creates both ‘noise’ in his thinking and desire to escape it. Hence, more action essentially invests himself deeper in you, which moves him ever so gently away from the noise and his intent to conquer.

Such actions also stimulate greater displays of infatuation in hope of getting you to yield sooner. More mental noise. Over time in a long courtship, his actions that confirm infatuation reprogram his heart and his lustful feelings into loyalty and dedication to you, aka devotion.

 

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2157. Dating in Mid-life — Part B1: You Gotta’ Know the Territory


Her Highness MeowMeow at 2153 asked about dating in one’s fifties. I expand it to ages 30 to 60 and deepen it to include developing (but not maintaining) a lifetime relationship. After all, that’s the unspoken objective and endless dream behind all dating for women in mid-life.

Some women too easily, however, give up before they exhaust the blessings they inherit at birth. They shouldn’t. Hope springs eternal from the heart of a woman, and by God’s design it enables you to make your world turn in your favor. Born to be happy, you earn it as you find and expand your gratefulness while searching, capturing, and relating with a man. Hopefully he’s valuable and beneficial for your mellowing lifestyle. But if he’s no better than adequate, it’s no reason to give up. You’re powerfully skilled to improve a relationship that starts out short of perfect.

Age doesn’t matter before first date if you exploit your relationship expertise. You aim at success. It calls for you to exploit your own strengths, compensate for your weaknesses, make the most of new man’s strengths, and ignore his weaknesses long enough to learn to also compensate for them. The female heart is wonderfully designed and powerfully blessed to exploit strengths and weaknesses and do it well. After learning, of course, and avoiding discouragement from the few or even more mistakes made along the way.

It all may sound too complex to fathom, but my role is to make the process simpler so you can make it easier for yourself and more meaningful for the next man in your life. I present this series in four major sections: a) the children (posted at 2156 and more to follow), b) relationship development process, c) your role, and d) the roles of men.

Relationship Development Process.

Others talk endlessly about the dating scene. Most women’s interest at every age, however, is about what dating leads to. It’s the start up to merging two or more lives together harmoniously and hopefully for life. So, all about dating that follows is designed to help women develop relationships that lead to permanency. All else is folderol or fun and games and irrelevant here.

By nature women are processors; they keep things going. Men are producers; they find satisfaction in making single events and results come out as intended. First date is a production and belongs to the man. Second date begins the relationship development process and your involvement. Being a series of events, dating one guy or many, the process works to the woman’s advantage or she’s not doing it right. That’s why women float along under the stewardship of each individual dater; return engagements are best produced by not driving the bus. Men are willing to deliver one date at a time, because they hope with minimal obligation to discover what price they must eventually pay to get you in bed.

You all know this but—especially during passionate moments—it’s inconvenient to remember it. Men date to associate and work up to getting sex. Women date to develop a lasting relationship. They compete. Each tries to sell the other on their agenda. He works directly but tries to disguise it with dynamic selling of himself. You work indirectly, and it takes you much longer to sell a man on your agenda. If you can’t find time and reason to hold him off and complete your sale, you yield first time sex and he wins and you may or may not lose him. What happens after his conquest is unknown until after it happens. He changes, and then you find out how accurate and true were his words. How he really, truly feels about you—or doesn’t. You take all the risk or you don’t get very far.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way for you to uncover a man’s intentions. Wait to see his actions and believe what he does after your first sex together, and locked in marriage is optimal. After his momentous conquest outside of marriage, he will be a changed man. He also takes charge of your sexual agenda as conqueror’s right, and you become keeper, booty, or dumpee. You don’t know which until the time comes, unless you have delayed conquest long enough for his devotion to you alone to have developed. That means months at least and perhaps a year or more of courtship.

Romantic love is often a scene stealer, disguiser of truth. It may or may not contribute to the enduring love that you hope will follow after romantic love fades a year or two after conquest.

Over the first few decades of life, the youthful attitudes of both sexes change. Out of unsuccessful relationships and soured marriages, the genders shy away from closeness except often for the mutual comfort of sex. But sex doesn’t bond men, only women.

Consequently, you are more interested than men for developing a relationship, and it generates three burdens for you in the dating arena. You have to virtually ignore risks to your feelings, learn to proceed cautiously, and have to earn the respect of each man you date. Moreover, development works best when you neither explain yourself or your feelings directly, nor try to convince him of your love with words. He believes much more easily what he figures out for himself.

You have to earn a permanent relationship. You do so by actions that show new man that he’s admired and favored over others. Oh, not on first date but both later and by indirectness. It enables him to see promise in you that can and likely will help fulfill his present life and future ambitions.

From day one you should claim these truths as part of your attitude. Men stay married when they sense themselves rewarded and admired for husbanding, fathering, and believing that only they can do as well at what they do best. That is, produce, provide, protect, and problem solve for those to whom they accept responsibility.

During dating and courtship, you should get your mind and heart wrapped around how to do your part in that scenario. After marriage is too late to start. Without it being habitual in your heart before marriage, the glow of bridal success will keep your focus elsewhere and thus hold you back. The absence of admiration, respect, dependence, and gratefulness for his presence in your life are toxic to a marriage, and so should be developed in courtship.

Men date for fun and games and put sex at the top of the priority list. When you don’t have a plan to follow, it releases men to follow their interest, which inevitably doesn’t work well for you. Expecting to develop a relationship, you do best when you have solid intentions that are more important in your heart than having a date or dates (more later about a plan).

That’s the territory. Now, let’s talk about the value of chaste courtships that fall automatically out of chaste dates and the promise of more chastity. It’s coming tomorrow at #2158.

 

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2156. Dating in Mid-life — Part A1: Put Children Aside for Now


Being too conscientious as single mother is your greatest obstacle to successful dating in mid-life. Your biggest badge of honor is complete dedication and sacrifice to your children, and you moms with one child have it in spades. If you can’t ease up on that single-minded, self-induced, and no longer essential pressure in your life, you’ll never be able to add and successfully merge a new man into your family. If you don’t deserve your own life relative to your children, how can you ever be worthy of a man or deserve your own life with a new husband?

The prospect of family conflict is daunting. No question of that. But resolution is simple. You have to decide. Not who’s the most important in your life, husband or children? But how do you merge their interests into an integral family and harmonized home? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you’re right.

You know your children and how to handle them. You’ve spent years learning just what they need, want, and can take without breaking. If you can’t convince them that you deserve the attention and affection that they’ve gotten from you for so many years, or if your guilt won’t let you ease up the pressures you put on yourself, then you have no business even considering entering the dating arena.

Sorry, but I was trained in mid-life to be up front, blunt, and candid when high pressure subjects come up. My hard-nose attitude reflected above is based on one irrevocable principle that floats unshakably in the male mind. Husbands will not play second fiddle to children, even their own and much less someone else’s. And they won’t play second fiddle to their wives except for those husbands full of devotion for their own.

It doesn’t mean that women with kids can’t have a new husband. It means that she must use her greatest relationship expertise every day to keep both kids and new date/boyfriend/fiancé/husband convinced that they rank as first priority in her heart. Mothers do it carefully and endlessly with kids. Why not throw someone else in the mix if she can be rewarded by someone other than herself?

I’ve always admired Her Majesty Grace’s success with our three boys. When alone with each, she referred to them as her oldest and most precious, her middlest and most precious, and her youngest and most precious. It worked beautifully for her. They were in mid-life before they learned they were loved more equally than they thought. It added to their regard for each other, because each saw how their mom more highly regarded his brothers.

Hold off the family uproar until you discover if you really want to date. If you really want to face what I shall describe in this series. Not discouragements but encouragements, although you may not see things exactly as I do.

I can’t do it now, but I shall put together an article on how to help handle children better. In the meantime, I think you should forget the impact of your entering the dating arena will have on them. Do what you think is best for yourself while considering how you want to possibly change your life. They will not be forever in the nest, and everything else shall pass as you think and perhaps manage your way into a new way of life.

I admire your courage if you enter the dating scene. I admire your character if you do it in spite of what your children wish. I admire your readership if you argue back with me. I admire your spunk if you learn to make men uncomfortable and thus earn their respect.

As for masculine discomfort, up front, blunt, and candid can pay off with manly respect. For example, I love this motto when you’re approached uninvited and unwanted: No ring, no booty. Still interested?

For tomorrow: 2157—You Gotta’ Know the Territory

 

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