2197. Gentlemen: Bring Them Back — Part II


Her Highness Lovely at 1370 asked for more info about encouraging gentlemanly behavior among men. With apologies to her, I’ve shifted the agenda toward the married set. Wives acting ladylike induce and encourage husbands to act more gentlemanly.

Stand by for a shock. Quit saying “thank you” to men including your own. Become more specific; ladies don’t take shortcuts dealing with gentlemen.

Choose and practice something else. Thank you is a routine courtesy. To men it’s no surprise, hence no discomfort, hence no change of thinking on their part. Thank you isn’t wrong, just inadequate when more is needed if you want men to change. You have to change yourself first.

“Thank you” is words; men place value on actions and tend to ignore the routine stuff. The 15 examples cited below are action oriented by being different, surprising, and encouraging.

Give some of the examples below a test and see if they make a difference in how you’re treated. They are ideas more appropriate for my generation, so you’ll have to give them a more modern tilt and lilt.

Change ‘thank you’ to something else whenever your man does anything that recognizes who and what you are to him. Even try to turn negatives around. Examples of his comments: Good dinner. You missed a spot cleaning that window. I want to but we can’t afford wine with our dinner tonight. Even though I can’t stand whats-his-name, I’ll take you to that movie. Want me to wash your car, darling? Aren’t you glad you don’t have to clean the kids trash from inside the car?

Gentlemen are born out of the actions of ladies. Respond eyeball-to-eyeball, bravely and sincerely, perhaps even sometimes shaking a friendly finger with something appropriate along the line of these examples:

  1. Yea, I saw that window smear too, but after your boss jumped your case, I figured you needed to pass it on to someone else. So I left it for you to pick up on. I love looking out for your morale.
  2. Dinner with you is always better than dinner with wine.
  3. Men are never more handsome than when they please a lady or ….
  4. Where did you find that graciousness in your heart? It sure makes you shine.
  5. I wish I were as good as you at overlooking MY hard-headedness.
  6. I often dream about your kindhearted smile; it warms my nights when you’re away.
  7. Wow! What an unexpected delight. You know of course that’s the definition of high quality. Any woman wants to be pleased with high quality in anything. Anything to offer tonight?
  8. My major blessings come in a package exactly the size and shape of you. Ain’t that the kicks?
  9. Wherefore art though, Sir Galahad. NO, NO, wherefore have thou been, King Arthur. Let’s sit round your table. One knight’s enough for me if he’s top dog.
  10. I can’t wait for you to teach our grandkids all the blessed techniques you have for pleasing your spouse.
  11. When things get tougher much like we see it coming, I hope you don’t mind if I push you out in front for protection. I’ll cover the back office. With the right level of sweetness, I may even learn to cook your favorite without bragging.
  12. Okay, you earned it. Stop, listen up. Next Saturday is hero day. You sit, I fix, you name it, you got it, you go R&R, I go ETP (eager to please but don’t define it to him, let him wonder, keep the mystery dangling for awhile). My heroes don’t go without a medal, however sloppy the day may become.
  13. Have you thought of how easy and often you please me compared to how we used to live? Maybe it’s not a miracle, but you do answer prayers. Are you open to special orders?
  14. My problems vanish when we drive together. It’s a whole ‘nother life.
  15. I’ve noticed that women in clean cars seem to smile more than those in dirty cars. Am I just imagining it? You’re so dependable for making me smile.

At first your man will think you crazy. But feminine boldness makes a lady. (Crazy ain’t no big deal; what about all those crazies you have to routinely deal with?)

You can’t expect good results without putting men in a good frame of mind. They respond best to female indirectness, mystery, uniqueness, and feminine boldness out of which they figure out their own conclusions and opinions. The 15 examples are just ideas. They can be tailored to your own situations and used in endless variations and applications to make you come across as a unique woman/wife gifted with techniques for pleasing him that makes him feel exceptional to have a lady as mate.

The examples are development ideas to reflect a female spirit that can attract men or induce your man to stay around. You’re exceptional when you make him exceptional. For his lady, when nobody expects it of him, a man enjoys treating her accordingly. Remember too, in the early years she sacrifices in order to deserve her rewards that come after years of marriage and she has enlarged and then dominates her family. It takes years, patience, and skill that women possess and men lack.

Correction. In post 1370 I suggested always moving off of his left arm as it puts him in the naturally protective position. There’s an alternative. When walking along sidewalks discreetly slip over to the inside of him, More etiquette than protection as it originated to protect women from mud-slinging cars.

I’m sure you ladies have many lady and gentlemanly traits you’d like to see become social standards once again. Send suggestions to me and perhaps we can raise more dialogue. The ideas need to be spread before they can become expectations.

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2196. Compatibility Axioms #711-720


  1. Virtual virginity means just say No to unmarried sex. The purpose: To separate mature from immature, real from phony, reliable from irresponsible, surprising from humdrum, decisive from spineless, adult from adolescent in men and boys. Otherwise known as assessing a guy’s true potential for responsible husbanding and fathering. [248]
  2. Unless he chooses to drop her—very likely in today’s sexual arena—denial of unmarried sex makes a man focus more and more on her quality, value, and potential as whole person and, hence, potential wife. [248]
  3. Conquest releases a man to focus on other things. It frees him to move his attention to something else such as job, hobby, buds, or other females.  [248]
  4. If she can refuse unmarried sex until she conquers him for marriage, she expands her influence over his natural dominance. The winning conqueror shapes their subsequent relationship. [248]
  5. Modern women play the man’s game. They shop for friendship, pay with sex, and hope the relationship leads to marry up with shack up as back up. Friendship based on sex doesn’t last. Since sex doesn’t bond men, it makes escape easier for them. [248]
  6. When unmarried women yield the first time to a man, he wins much more than sex. Men rule over women they conquer. If she refuses, she becomes an ex. [249]
  7. Men see friendship differently. Women don’t fit a man’s mold of pure friendship, except when they are not sex targets, which means sexually unattractive to the man. Even then the personal sharing isn’t the same. [249]
  8. Men treat women according to what they appear to be—sex object, target, slut, lady, sloppy, neat, pretty, immaculately groomed, careless, desperate, disposable, old, older, oldest…. It may not matter to her but she’s responsible for the treatment she receives. [249]
  9. Men treated as sex targets by females learn that all women have little else to offer. Let the fun and irresponsible games continue. Visible groupies are more significant than bed post notches at home. [249]
  10. One major facet of a man’s sense of significance rests upon not having to face men who have bedded his woman. [249]

 

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2195. Compatibility Axioms #701-710


  1. The two-year glitch arrives quietly as romantic love fades away in a couple’s second year after conquest. Partners undergo transformation. If an enduring kind of love has not developed mutually, separation is not far off. [245]
  2. Religion and morality serve women much more than men. If a woman fails to live within and uphold a self-imposed strong moral or religious code, she can expect mistreatment by men. (Why? By not following self-determined structured beliefs to guide her, she too easily picks up on the values and standards that guide him. It tremendously weakens her ability to earn his respect. She doesn’t appear to him as a woman of independent strength, which means she’s of less value if she becomes dependent on him. Men don’t marry pushovers for very long, neither sex nor character pushovers.) [245]
  3. Modern women let the need to have a boyfriend override their common sense. His commitment promises togetherness but it remains open-ended unless his devotion develops, which seals his interest in her. [246]
  4. Women who talk endlessly when with a man cannot also be mysterious. Unless, perhaps, if their jabber stays impersonal, which it seldom does. [246]
  5. Women make the institution of marriage of, by, and for women and children. Husbands are left out once children are born. Men don’t play second fiddle and remain with that orchestra. [246]
  6. Women tossed away femininity and the social construct of the lady to make room for feminist theory and spirit. Men fake, sidestep, and b.s. around whatever they face to access sexual partners. They wonder, but not too much, why women yield female strength to masculine dominance in order to have a man. [246]
  7. Wives win this way: Before marriage he proves through devotion that he’s worthy of her; he earns her hand. After marriage she proves herself worthy of him; she uplifts him for his devotion. [246]
  8. When a woman diminishes or weakens showing respect and gratitude for her man, she loses her likeability and his love. His deteriorating respect easily turns to disrespect and shifts her away from marital sainthood, which positions her for exiting at the next off-ramp. [246]
  9. Every couple has two options: become enslaved to money, or make money their slave. Marriage failures start more from financial problems than anything else. [247]
  10. It’s an impossible dream but…. Don’t let him talk about sex until he asks you to marry him. It’s none of his business if he’s unwilling to obligate himself to help fulfill your hopes and dreams.***

——

*** I’m well aware of the impracticality of it. I offer the principle to guide women into keeping their ‘sexless personage’ on the front burner of dialogue with each man. Keep changing the subject. When you remain sexually attractive but battle to keep sex out of the dialogue, you help keep his mind focused on finding weakness he can use to bed you. Inside of him, however, two options develop and grow toward decision. 1) The frustrated urge to escape (and thus he’s not good enough for you). 2) His curiosity develops the idea and imagination shapes his thinking until he convinces himself that he can’t get along without your presence in his life. You win regardless of his choice.

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2194. CAUSES and EFFECTS — Group 01


EDITOR’S NOTE: I rushed this morning and forgot this advisory.The following is based on the male and female natures and not exactly what you see happening in society. It’s the way people tend to react unless they have learned lessons that motivate them to ignore their nature in favor of something apparently more rewarding, But does it work better for you? That’s what counts. Guy

——

Men focus on the physical and sexual attractiveness of a woman. It’s the attention getter and a major place holder after he commits to her. A major aspect of his satisfaction and significant manliness is reflected by the attractiveness of his woman. Less significance in his eyes, less satisfaction with himself. Less satisfaction, less respect for her. Less respect, less love of her. Less love, less interest in dedication to faithfulness. Less dedication, less interest in their marital arrangement.

When he marries an attractive woman and feels that he’s married over his head, she has the best of relationships. Too many wives subsequently lose their attractiveness through intent, selfishness, carelessness, disrespect of him (or men generally), comfort seeking, peer copying, or disregard for what others think of their appearance. It sends the message to his male competitors that “Ole’ Pete didn’t do a well as he thought, did he?”

They don’t say anything to Pete, but he knows what they think. He thinks the same about old John who’s in the same demoralizing and de-motivating boat. How long should he continue…?

When single and married women beautify both home and the public arena, either individually or together, they make it a better place for men. It signifies that men are respected enough that women care enough to make themselves maximally attractive, which makes men respect the gender, which provides women more sincere manly attention, which leads to more dedication and devotion, which gives women more options and screening opportunities for Mr. Good Enough.

The secret both for individuals and all women is how they take advantage of the truth that as women go, so goes society, which means that men follow where attractive women go. No women are unattractive to some man, except as they fail to make themselves attractive to themselves first and foremost. (That’s what mirror time is about starting at post 2123 and following.)

If a woman habitually makes herself attractive to her own satisfaction, she finds that men tend to agree to the same extent. Women know that instinctively but feminists have taught them otherwise. Taught that men have no right to expect women to be attractive to please men.

Ah, but feminists ignore this instinctive advantage. Women don’t make themselves attractive for men, they do it for themselves. That’s the only thing that lifts their spirits sufficiently to capture manly attention to each woman’s emotional attractiveness. Marriage ain’t all about sex. It’s about mating up with her love of him and his respect for her character and likeability, and the latter arises out of her appreciation of herself and maintenance of her attractiveness.

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2193. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 8: Self-likeability


I choose the term self-likeability to summarize all that went before in this series. Self-esteem is the inaccessible liking of self hardwired as the result of infant care. Self-development is the process of living through childhood as the child chooses. Self-image is the picture of self that governs one’s behavior throughout life. Self-interest is the motivational force for everyone. Self-worth is the presentation we inadvertently or deliberately try to make to others about our opinion of self.

Think of self-likeability as all of the above, each individual’s internal opinion of himself. Likes himself and there’s nothing to do. Or, he doesn’t feel even good about himself. It energizes him to take corrective action. The worse his self-likeability then the more drastic his action.

All of this series can be summarized as producing children with some level of self-likeability. It’s a major part of the personality they project into the public arena. The more they appreciate themselves as likeable and respectable as a person, boy or girl, and their individual roles in life, the more respectable for males and likeable for females they appear to others.

Anorexics, suicides, other self-destructive behaviors come out of this unstructured grouping. Their sense of self-likeability is low, poor, or non-existent. As the victims interpret it, feedback from peers and parents confirms their sense of worthlessness. Depression quashes hope and dissipates into despair.

Girls prefer to martyr themselves trying to change their physical image before others and thus regain some measure of acceptance and thus importance. They are self-motivated to abandon their female nature of cooperation and strike out on their own. Depth of frustration at their obvious-to-them inability and the build-up of hopeless despair determine whether they choose to change their physical appearance or end their presence.

Boys prefer to martyr themselves trying to gain the admiration of others for courage, determination, and conviction; prove they are not the weaklings they perceive that others think. Boys abandon their nature to compete, withdraw into themselves, and disassociate from those around them. The boys with the strongest desire to be significant choose more outrageous outlets for their frustrations, such as mass shootings. Boys less ambitious and less inclined to lead others choose less violent outlets, such as suicide.

When adults encourage, counsel, and otherwise try to turn a child away from self-destructive behavior, they take some ineffective actions. For example:

  • More parental love doesn’t work. It didn’t work before, the child has already determined he’s not worth any love much less more. Unfortunately, motherly guilt and regret stimulate loving actions much too easily; it gives her something to do which assuages her guilt but does little for the child. Father’s proclivity for logic and reason may provide better relief for parents and kid.
  • Counseling doesn’t work unless started very early in the deterioration of self-likeability. Especially with boys, explaining oneself to a counselor or parent puts him in the awkward position of describing what he knows sounds wrong-headed to them, aka confession of weakness and insignificance. IOW, he’s ashamed or humiliated to describe himself as others can’t understand, and so he resists to preserve his self-image. He’d rather have the dignity of being different than admit the shame of possibly being wrong and thereby less or not admired.

Guilt helps determine outcomes. Girls fall prey to excessive guilt, which leads them to and down the self-destructive path. As they become less and less able to live with it, they take more drastic actions to drown their anguish.

Boys handle guilt differently. They can’t live well with it. They either fix what caused it or forget it. The process of forgetting it, however, in the mind of an unlikeable self leads to more and greater guilt. Forgetting becomes impossible and so drastic actions will fix it, or so he reasons.

A much better solution, aka deterrence for self-destructive behavior, resides but is dormant in the hearts of inflicted kids. The strategy is simple but requires strong adult intent and inspired imagination and applied to the child’s life with the least supervision practicable. Both sexes respond favorably to more self-activated accomplishments.

  • Girls need to become more important in their eyes. Get them involved—perhaps pushed just a little—in dealing with others in a manner that makes them regularly accomplish things involving others. Get their minds off themselves and onto others. Volunteer, get a job, or whatever but very different and more important than their present activities.
  • Boys need to be put to work, some responsibility and regular duty. Perhaps even at mundane tasks even if they feel their dignity is being assaulted. They need to be able to earn the admiration of others until they learn to admire themselves for what they accomplish.

It’s been a long road to make one point. Love does not make kids like themselves; it’s but a method to deliver guidance that helps a child develop himself, which enables him to like himself.

Accomplishments do it. Girls like themselves by making themselves important to others. It bounces back as their own importance, which transmutes into ‘I like me.’ Boys like themselves by earning self-admiration, which comes from accomplishing things that add value to life or someone, which also as byproduct earns the admiration of others.

So the next time you see a child heading down the self-destructive path, quickly get a girl involved in helping others and a boy involved with some new responsibility that requires his action repeatedly and preferable often.

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2192. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 7: Self-worth


Thus far in this series we’ve addressed the child’s side of growing up. They get to be who they are as adults perceive, judge, and render feedback in the form of guidance, instruction, and even demands.

Then puberty arrives. Kids, with their own lived-with sense of self-worth in mind, turn to peers for the new measures of their importance in a strangely new environment of slightly more experienced peers. Self-interest shifts. How worthy are they of peer approval? How can they win and keep it? Will their self-image and sense of self-worth stand them in good stead. Only time will tell, and some will turn to self-destructive behavior.

Success and failure revolves around this paradox. The more teens want to be liked by their peers, the less they will be respected. The more they are respected, the more likely they will be liked. Tougher for girls, easier for boys.

Self-appraisal occurs constantly. Girls want primarily to be liked in order to confirm their importance, and so their personal morale constantly spins in turmoil. Boys want to compete, and they make it a constant battle to stay near the top of their own kind of turmoil

Boys do not respect girls that cheaply and easily part with sex. Boys most admire a girl for protecting her greatest asset against infringement, aka the ultimate virtue. Who boys admire as virtuous, they respect. Thus, virtuous girls who seek to remain so are first to be respected and consequently liked. Girls that provide sex may be respected but only by those unaware.

Girls do not respect boys who lack the respect of other boys. Consequently, boys who are different than other boys are unliked by both girls and boys. Unless such boys are admired for something, such as a unique technical specialty or knowledge; in which case they are respected but just not a member of any but their own unique groupings.

If to be liked is a teen’s prime motivator, it’s a strong signal that their upbringing was achieved in a home and school environment where respect played too little a part or was effectively absent. Or perhaps they did not earn respect by trying too hard to be liked.

When parents and teachers respect kids as person, boy or girl, and whatever roles they fill, then kids like themselves, which discourages them from seeking to be liked by their peers, which encourages them to focus on earning respect, which improves their chances of being liked by peers.

Self-perceived failures in being both liked and respected lead to self-destructive behaviors, which suggests that failing to be liked enough to meet a child’s expectations determines whether they are vulnerable to fall over the edge into self-destructive behavior.

Kids dislike themselves when girls conclude they are not liked and boys when not respected, both to their own expectations. Girls not liked often seek martyrdom in eating disorders. Boys not respected often seek martyrdom through violence.

That’s not the end of it. Tomorrow, the subject is self-likeability, which is the ultimate result of all that’s presented in this series.

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2191. Anorexics, Suicides, et al. — Part 6: Self-interest


Self-interest motivates everyone. It’s our future; it triggers our actions. It determines what we do and say after this instant in time even if only to stand and think about what’s next.

A child’s self-interest starts as a function of genetics inherited at birth and self-esteem indirectly programmed into the subconscious by infant caregivers. After his conscious mind opens, his self-interest determines whom he will become after any moment in life. He knows best what’s best for him at that moment. Do his own thing or follow mom’s instructions? Probably without thinking, he acts.

When planned or dreamed of, it’s ambition. Or perhaps instantaneous, such as play with a toy. Or unexpected as in yell from anguish or flee mom’s anger. Or perhaps try to alibi but fail his way out of punishment for what he knows he shouldn’t have done, which prompts him to modify self-interest for different action and outcome next time. Lessons learned shape self-interest continuously.

Self-image is the picture of who and what we are. Self-interest is what we should say or do and to or with whom we should say or do it. Self-interest is our life agenda. Success broadens and deepens our belief in self, which broadens and deepens our self-interest and our liking of self. As self-developers, children are just like us.

Just as adults do, children learn from successes and failures made doing or saying what they think they should. However, kids don’t always make the call. Adults have a nasty habit of overriding a child’s assessment of whether he experienced a success or failure. It makes a critical difference in upbringing of children.

Parents or authority figures have multiple occasions. They call a boy’s actions as:

  • successes and the boy agrees. If he acknowledges to himself that it’s deserved, it enhances his belief that he’s pretty good, which improves his self-image, confirms his self-interest, and adds to his liking himself as boy and perhaps undersized adult. Consequently, adult intentions are rewarded.
  • successes and the boy thinks it undeserved. It registers as just okay in his heart. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. He just did something that others thought okay. Belief in self is unlikely to change and ditto for self-image, self-interest, and self-like. Consequently, undeserved praise may not be wasted but it’s not effective for parental intentions.
  • failures and the boy agrees. He acknowledges to himself that he didn’t do what he should have, which enhances his belief that he knows what he’s doing, which improves his self-image, which modifies his self-interest, which adds to liking himself as boy or perhaps undersized adult. Consequently, just the mention of failure is sufficient to energize change in the boy. OTOH, highlighting well-intended actions as his incompetence is to challenge and over time belittle his self-image, drown his self-interest, and reverse his self-like.
  • failures and the boy disagrees. He acknowledges to himself that he did do what he should have, which enhances his belief that he knows what he’s doing, which modifies his self-interest either to
    • refuse to adjust to parental expectations, which adds to his liking himself as an individual and potential adult
    • or adjust toward adult standards and expectations which weakens his self-image, which demeans his ability to like himself. Consequently, boy-judger disagreements foster potential for more relationship difficulties.

The difference in the boy’s modification of self-interest depends upon how he respects and accepts the judgment of parents or higher authority figures. The greater his respect for those who judge him, the less inclined to disagree with them. The less his respect, the more easily the boy disagrees.

In the final analysis, the boy-and-his-judges relationship determines the final outcome. And that dear ladies is why moms are so good at raising boys. Girls are somewhat different but moms are even more capable for adjusting girls’ self-interest. So it needs no more attention than just follow the boy’s model above with this exception. Girls do not think unearned gifts are undeserved.

To help make kids like themselves better, guide rather than demand of them that their personal agenda includes consideration for the interests of others. As their self-interest expands to consider others, selfishness dies and self-centeredness weakens a little. Starting in childhood produces more mature candidates to enter and pass through adolescence with little turmoil and thereby produce more mature adults.

Self-worth follows tomorrow.

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