556. Response to Viewer — Item 10

Becca emailed this: I do have a question that I feel is overlooked by many people advocating holding off on sex with a man until he has proven his devotion… what if you just happen to love sex? Obviously one of the “prizes” for men upon marrying a woman is securing a stable sex partner, but what are women to do if they enjoy sex just as much? I’m not so sure I could keep things at such a “platonic” level during courtship, especially if I’m really attracted to a man… or at least I never have been able to. Any advice for a girl with seriously raging hormones?

AGM responds:

First, I don’t offer advice. I try to describe life, and you make choices with new information.

Second, if you value sex above a permanent male partner, continue as you are. However, if you wish to change, think about other things and act differently. We become what we think about AND DO.

Third, I believe the odds for capturing and holding a good man favor shuffling sex onto the back burners of a female’s life.

Fourth, if you sacrifice something, it becomes more important. If you do so with sex in order to uplift a man into husband, he becomes more valuable too. He will like that.

Fifth, some viewers may add something, and I encourage it.

Guy

512. Love vs. Respect — Section I

The simple: A man’s love is founded on unconditional respect of all females and built up with conditional respect for one woman. He expects respect more than anything else from his woman and demonstrated more through actions (male default) than words (female default).

The complex: Much female misery flows from women not knowing the answer to this one: Which comes first? Respectable male behavior or males treated respectfully?

M Women expect the former without providing the latter. This implies the behavior of males to be independent of females. Ha!

M Women expect masculine character traits to include respectable behavior. Everybody should just do what’s right. It civilizes society and makes this a better world. Ha!

M If men are not respectable, women think, it’s not the females’ fault. Men do it to themselves, patriarchy you know. Ha!

M In short, women expect men to act more like women. Ha!

A man’s love develops from respect for his woman and endures from respect shown by her. Respect shown for him is critical to his sense of self-respect. See article 515 posting in three days.

346. Weans, tweens, and teens #12 — Puberty

    What we do with what we have before puberty is the fault or to the credit of our parents. What we do after puberty is our own fault or to our credit, because that’s when our own judgments come into play.

The value systems of children at puberty scatter beneath a bell curve. But, I’ll focus on the ends and describe the extremes.

At the low end a few children reach teenage with an empty mind. Having not been nurtured in the weans and led and taught properly in the tweens, mature values were never instilled and encouraged to flourish.

They pass through puberty without learning to live up to adult, parental, and teacher standards and expectations. Then they spend seven or so years vacuuming up immature fun and adolescent values designed to stretch teen independence beyond that acceptable to most adults.

Their minds congeal into adulthood at about age 21. It has a fullness of beliefs: Either those implanted before, or those adopted after puberty, or the mixture that we along the bell curve develop. Such kids grow into what we see as adult immaturity—that is, physical adult but mental adolescent.

Also, the hormones of puberty shift responsibility and authority from others to us. At the low end of the spectrum children don’t hold themselves accountable for their own behavior. So, parents and authority figures that try to inject measures of accountability find their efforts often go for naught. Their influences are mostly rejected, and the children easily become burdens to society.

———————————

The spectrum’s high end represents kids with moral convictions and strong ambitions—albeit still under-developed—about their future adult life. They are guided by someone or something bigger than themselves—e.g., God, parental pressures, dreams, adult opportunities.

They accept personal responsibility. They give themselves the authority they need to do the right things. They hold themselves accountable for inadequacies they should not have. They demonstrate maturity far beyond their years.

Their belief system fills the mental vacuum of early childhood. Without that vacuum, they have little interest in sucking up contradictory values from teen peers. Adolescence for such kids is merely a pass-through phase enroute to what they seek to become as adults. They cause few problems for parents.  

 Most of us grew up somewhere between these extremes.

More about the Weans, tweens, and teens can be found in the CONTENT page near the top.

286. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’m! — Post 5 of 5

SUBJECT: Men are not considerate of her sexual wants, needs, and desires. Granted, they should be, but….

Love sits atop but does not dominate this subject. It may overcome and hold them together, and it may not.

 ♀2♂?  If conveying her wants, needs, and desires outweigh his satisfactions about their sex life, she’s not likely to get far without the tenderest diplomacy.

♀2♂?  She’s in charge. She’s in charge. She’s in charge. Not because he’s incapable, but because he lacks knowledge of her, and men often go to extremes to hide that lack.

♀2♂?  He sees little need for more than he already provides in love making. So, if she’s not satisfied, coaching him may help. (Nurturing demeans and teaching tends to humiliate him.)

♀2♂?  Any discussion of sexual shortcomings can push him toward consequences, up to and including abandonment, without her becoming aware.

♀2♂?  Husbands respond best to wife’s caution, indirectness, and patience. When he senses indirectly that she has an something unresolved, his problem solving persona emerges. He wants to uncover the problem and help. 

♀2♂?  Patience, soft-heartedness, and respect and gratefulness for who he is and what he does may capture and hold his attention. Those things show her love, as he expects to see it, and he’s much less likely to take offense about subjects sensitive to him.

♀2♂?  Devotion to her makes him want to pay attention and perhaps lavish affection on her. Thus, more devotion makes him more open to her wants, needs, and desires. 

♀2♂?  He expects frequent and convenient access to sex after yielding his independence for marriage. This may or may not make him devoted to pleasing her as she would like.

We can easily recognize that men should be more considerate of a woman’s sexual wants, needs, and desires. As we have seen, however, being married often interferes.

[This competes this title and subject. The rest appears in posts 281, 276, 271, and 266.]

283. Female dominance: Gone! —Part 9

          Our foremothers courted as the buyer, married, and became the seller. Modern women court as the seller, marry, and become the buyer. The former married permanently, the latter marries temporarily.

Our foremothers knew the price and paid for their man up front. They withheld sex and qualifed his potential for Mr. Right. Then they married and she rewarded him for husbanding and fathering. This helped him grow into Mr. Right.

Modern women reverse it. They act as discount sellers to capture and marry. Then they act as buyer and expect husband to keep elevating his value at the discounted rewards wife’s willing to give—especially reduced gratitude and cheap respect.

Consequently, modern women rely on hope, because they don’t or can’t qualify a man’s potential for either Mr. Right or lifetime dedication to her.

Women give up their abilities. They provide sex in exchange for faux devotion, that is verbal commitment. Modern women then pay the full price when they lose their man or dump him as inadequate.

[More on the shattering of female dominance appears at posts 252, 237, 222, 209, 194, 173, 159, and 151.]

268. Weans, tweens, and teens #10 — Self-centered

          This post continues the description of subsets that make up the universal motivator, self-interest (post 223). Mature self-interest arrives after a child passes through three stages that are simplified here for clarity.

Selfish (post 239), self-centered, and self-tests are actions that motivate children at various stages of growing up. This post summarizes selfishness and then addresses self-centeredness.

In the last half of the weans, selfishness is the standard order of the day for toddlers. Such children promote their interests ahead of what’s agreeable with others. It becomes an undesirable habit, when they learn that it pays off. 

As effective parenting discourages selfishness, the child learns to think long instead of short term. He learns that spitefulness does not pay but fairness usually does. Groundwork is thus laid for the next stage after toddlerhood.

Self-centeredness arises during the tweens and takes two forms in every child. Whether viewed as good or bad, he behaves to make himself feel good about himself.

Parents consider it bad, when a child focuses repeatedly on getting others to make him feel good about himself. The child dwells on getting attention, affection, or appreciation. After repeated failures to be satisfied, he often escalates to outrageous behavior.  

Parents consider it good, when a child energizes himself to make his life better or more interesting. He depends upon himself to feel good about himself. He learns to benefit from turning off his selfish and self-centered switches when associating with others.

Self-centeredness in the tweens determines what’s ahead for the child and helps shapes his adult self-interest.

Lessons learned take on permanence as puberty arrives. Following that, the teen years provide the third stage of developing adult self-interest—self-testing. That’s the next post in this series.

[More about childhood mental growth appears in posts 239, 223, 208, 197, 193, 192, 187, 178, and 177. Scroll down or search by the number with a dot and space following it.]

266. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am! — Post 1 of 5

SUBJECT: Men are not considerate of her sexual wants, needs, and desires. Granted, they should be, but….

♫ Their natures and interests differ markedly on this subject. He’s made one way, she’s made another. She wants them to be more alike, he wants them to just get on with it.

♫ Women nurture, men lead. Women want to be nurtured in their sex life, but men don’t nurture well. It makes them feel feminized, wussified.

♫ Her needs for attention and affection are minor compared to his need for acceptance as sex partner—that is, if she’s to be a keeper. 

♫ His primal motivations are conqueror’s role before and conqueror’s rights after their first sex together. Conquest itself must have pleased her, or she would not have yielded. So, why should anything else be needed?

♫ Male sensitivity about his sexual prowess exceeds female willingness to complain. Women intuitively know this. So, they complain to sister females rather than to their man.

♫ Men are on a mission to deliver love with a prepackaged agenda. Virtual virginity forces him to repackage himself with consideration for other things such as her personal preferences. (See post 248 about virtual virginity.)

♫ Women can talk about it—to other women, that is. But, talking to their man requires more caution and indirectness than that used in international diplomacy and negotiation, where phrases can sometimes have double, different, or even opposite meanings.

♫ It takes a lot of time and desire for a man to figure her out physically. He’s too preoccupied with figuring her out mentally and emotionally.

As we have seen, men should be more considerate of female wants, needs, and desires. However, human nature often interferes

NOTE: Thanks to her highness at beyondjems.wordpress.com. Her comments prompted me to start this series.

260. Female Fortitude — 76 through 80

These ‘fortitudinals’ provide special themes or summaries. Numbers match the posts.

76.   She seeks to be friends with her kids and elevates them to adult status. This demotes husband to subordinate status, which he views as insignificance and, therefore, insufferable.

77.   A woman has to sell a man on fidelity, marriage, and her female worth as comfort partner. Otherwise, men focus on frequent and convenient sex as comfort from their daily ‘battles’.

78.   She welcomes kids with open arms but not him. She takes his arrival home for granted, because she wants relief with the kids.

79.   Hook up but no call? She lost her footing playing in a man’s territory.

80.   Trying to make a couple’s life fair or equal is self-defeating.  

[Previous fortitudinals appear in posts 255, 250, 245, 240, 234, 228, 213, 203, 199, 186, 182, and 176.