Tag Archives: husband

2257. From Whence Comes Respect


Sir Eric at 2250 triggered this article. He said, “Before there was No-Fault Divorce, the wife’s behavior would have been legal grounds for a divorce, and now their husbands praise the same behavior!”

I quote from Wikipedia, “The earliest precedent in no-fault divorce laws was originally enacted in Russia shortly after the Bolshevik Revolution. …The purpose of the Soviet no-fault divorce laws was ideological, intended to revolutionize [transform?] society at every level. … California was the first U.S. state to adopt what are now called “no-fault” divorces in the United States in 1969.”

I hope to show that the damage to family stability and need of no-fault is caused by lack of mutual respect, in slight decline before no-fault but precipitously so ever since.

Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs progress, compete with other men to enable progress, and shape and control human events. To the male mind, women aren’t part of that competitive world, just supporters, witnesses, or interferers.

The male competitive nature prevents men from respecting other men until they earn it by accomplishments that symbolize their significance in the male world. Significance, for example, in personal associations, professions, workplaces, fathering, sports, home. IOW, by value-added indications of accomplishments and personal significance, men earn the respect of other men; they earn mutual masculine respect by doing.

Women also have to earn masculine respect. Not in terms of individual significance for doing things, however, but by making themselves of significant value to supporting a man’s ambitions. Some mixture of success as female achiever and ambition-aiding significance—in competition with other women—earns the respect of men.

It enables each man to find, evaluate, and mate with the most respectful after evaluating the most respectable in his own judgment. Yes, selecting a mate begins with his respect of her before love ever invades his heart. (Selecting her based on respect also helps husband this way; how well wife is respected by other men adds to both his self-respect and respect of men.)

Thus, a man’s respect of men revolves around accomplishments that kind of generate a pecking order that varies and guides men through each competitive event and day. A man’s respect of a woman depends on her ability to accomplish significant things of lasting interest to him.

A woman’s respect of a man emerges differently. She loves first and learns to respect later. His accomplishments are not the root of her respect. It accumulates from his success helping her confirm her sense of self-importance as person, woman, mother, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, bride, companion, and the other roles she fills in their life together.

Now watch this ladies and tell me if I’m wrong. She respects him as the result of her making him important in her life. To the extent he doesn’t fit well in her plans for shaping their relationship, she doesn’t respect him. IOW, for the most part, if their relationship sours, it’s his fault and he doesn’t deserve for her to respect him.

Therein lays one root of early divorce. He respects and loves her. His habits and faults hit her wrongly, don’t meet her expectations. She tries to change him and he resists. She becomes frustrated, which makes her feel incompetent, which makes her feel unimportant in his life, which stimulates her to not show respect for him, which he sees as reason to depart if she hasn’t already filed for a no-fault.

Consequently, mutual respect depends on wife finding and keeping respect for husband and not letting his behavior diminish her appreciation for their relationship.

Perception is reality in such cases; whatever appears to be, is. Immature women and those who lack patience judge their man too quickly as not respectable enough. They act accordingly, hubby detects it as ingratitude, her likeability begins to fade and his love to weaken. All of which kills mutual respect.

Women expect her and his love and men expect mutual loyalty and likeability to hold their relationship together. The common denominator, however, is respect. And unless it grows into mutual respect, the no-fault is not far behind.

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2231. CAUSES and EFFECTS — Group 02


  1. A husband’s expectations for the present outweigh his wife’s expectations for their future together. It’s more his dominant nature than disrespect or lack of consideration for her. IOW, he automatically chooses his preference for now except given logical and non-emotional reason to accept her desires for later. It’s one hurdle that indirectness clears by ‘forcing’ her to deal logically and non-emotionally with him.
  2. Men really don’t want to fully understand their woman. They expect her to be loyal and thus agreeable without his having to work for it. It’s a ‘labor-saving’ benefit that imaginatively comes with his giving up his independence. That’s enough. If she’s other than agreeable to his wishes, men don’t really care to know about her reasons. It might cause guilt, which men dodge because it begs for action and they have limited ability or incentive to take action based on guilt imposed by someone else. Men end up ignoring or forgetting such impositions of guilt and thus bypass getting to know her as well as she desires.
  3. If you want to appear as a chaste single woman (CSW) these days, get your hair done in a beauty parlor. It sends a message—at least to you if not everyone else—that you can’t jump in and out of bed and shower with a quick rinse and dry. A short, well-coiffed, parlor-fixed hair-do sends the opposite albeit subliminal message.
  4. Women habitually go in public wearing sweats and clothing designed for comfort, which encourages overeating by suppressing feedback. The results reduce masculine appeal, which men acknowledge with much less attention. Money spent on attractive clothes discourages spending money on high calorie foods.
  5. If you have little or no interest in making yourself clean, neat, and attractive just to pick up your spirits, why do you expect men to take a liking to a missing feminine spirit?
  6. The potential for multiple orgasms makes women interested enough and available for impregnation but flexible enough to live with infrequent sex. It fits in with their natural adaptability and survivability, which enables the species to survive and thus makes females the superior gender. Men aren’t so sexually fortunate, but they have the freedom which promotes hit and run and wham, bam, thank you ma’am and better fits their nature.
  7. The nature of men is to look for the most efficient manner to gain frequent and convenient access to sex. When women enable it without marriage, they change ‘men’ to ‘women’ in this Henry David Thoreau quote, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

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2176. Dating in Mid-life — Part C9: Prepare Against Submission


Gotcha! Prepare against submission? Yes, and do it while dating. No legal, moral, marital, or biblical injunction makes you submit. In fact, both sexes have free will, both are made to be compatible as mates, and to submit means that one side loses. However, superior relationship wisdom enables women to generate win-win regularly if not every time. Your relationship expertise ranks with adaptability and survivability as cardinal traits that enable the irresistible force to move immovable objects.

Your man may not have been taught any better; he might try to enforce submission. You may have to teach him. Indirectly works smoothest and leadership by example works best. Your examples can be absorbed as logic, reason, and the compatible nature of mating. Men look for logic and reason and love the likeability afforded by compatibility.

Marital common sense to teach such things is embedded in the female nature. Not in you? Not to worry. I’m here to help. As you will soon see, submissiveness is the hub around which revolves most of the important family interactions.

When you marry and husband expects you to submit, you steal his thunder by revealing a submissive spirit that shows him how smartly he married. Submissive, it’s an adjective describing you as volunteering; you don’t do mandatory. Why volunteer? Are the following 16 reasons enough?

1) A family can’t stay together with two leaders, too bosses equally yoked to the same undivided responsibility. They eventually fight for dominance. 2) A man won’t conscientiously honor and fulfill his responsibility unless he appears to dominate control of it; it’s his nature and often more ego than logical. 3) You are more flexible, the relationship expert, and the only one capable of balancing and harmonizing all the challenges inherited with family life. Without you taking the home load off of husband, he’s not free enough to earn a good living. 4) Two bosses can be successful only when they agree to having separate responsibilities, and a separation of powers empowers and rewards them both. 5) Children can’t function much less develop successfully, if they have unequal standards and expectations to which they must respond. It causes confusion to reign, teaches rebellion, and kids learn to play one parent against the other. Everyone functions better with only one boss, and kids respond best to mom with backup from her husband. 6) You can’t manage the home without husband’s recognition and acceptance that it is your responsibility, which places you in the follower’s role wherein submissiveness pays off with greater success for both parties. 7) A successful organization needs both a chief executive officer and chief operating officer, CEO as ultimate authority and COO to administer CEO policies. 8) The ultimate authority is no better than the chief operator below who promotes the respect due him, protects his reputation, and preserves his dignity even when he doesn’t deserve it. 9) The next-to-ultimate authority does best when looked upon as supporter and facilitator of CEO’s expectations. 10) Men are satisfied and significant—happy in your words—when someone weaker proves to be stronger in surprising and dedicated ways. 11) Whereas husband can’t do it at least by his nature, you can bring the superiority of your gender into the home—especially adjust-ability and survivability—in ways that everyone benefits. 12) He’s not naturally willing; only you can find ways to balance his dominance against getting your way sufficiently to fulfill your hopes and dreams. 13) Converting from courtship to marriage, you’re capable and understand the wisdom of shifting from the competitive mode of protecting yourself to the cooperative mode of fulfilling your marriage. 14) He’s generally unwilling to do something about it, but you are well enabled to find ways to smooth the rough edges from his dominance. 15) With his constant focus on the present, and your focus more in the future, you’re better situated to adjust to his present-day needs than he to your future aspirations. 16) Submissiveness enables you to impose a rank structure that calms family leadership jitters. In rank order, this works well: husband, wife, mother, father, and children, which splits adult roles into four separate responsibilities for better, more efficient, and more easily acceptable decision making.

Accomplishing all those things fits naturally into your marital persona. He’ll see all the merit once he’s taught by you. Success starts with your submissiveness that so clearly matches up with your relationship expertise and the other blessings you inherit at birth. Then you can fit him into your nest. (You may find other benefits at Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.)

To prepare for dating, I suggest you study those 16 items above for the different roles that you and future husband will fill. Then, measure each man against your imagination of how you two will fill those roles. That is, imagine how his personality would fit yours in this situation, just for example. As his wife and ‘second in command’, you hold him up as more important than the kids. Yet, as their mother, you fight him in favor of the kids. Can and will he help fulfill your hopes and dreams and be Mr. Good Enough? Or…?

You might deny it, but I view it this way. Mystique mystifies you, vanity promotes you, modesty protects you, marriage insures you, and submissiveness elevates you to kingpin in the monogamy-sphere. Nothing else produces a more successful family. You see, when you know what you’re doing, you do everything right for everyone. It’s your superior conscience. That, darling, is what the submissive spirit enables you to do. To give it a fanciful name, I call it sterling wifeliness.

——

P.S. For background material, you may wish to review the 12-part submission series that runs with interruptions from 2043 to 2058. (Or, two dozen other articles with submissive/submission in title plus a chapter in my book.)

 

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2175. Dating in Mid-life — Part C8: Her Past, A Simpler View


You can’t shape the dating atmosphere to your advantage without anticipating what is likely to come up. This post is aimed at reinforcing the more practical side of a subject and admittedly aims more at younger than more mature women.

Perhaps the toughest test of your worth to Mr. Good Enough, can and will he accept you without knowing the details of your past sex life? He has four interests: to determine his comparative value as a lover, to prevent his embarrassment as your lover, to determine the likelihood of you cheating, and what really intrigues him: Promiscuous? With his friends? With someone he knows? Mistress? Shack up? Cheap? Easy?

It’s his nature; he’s born that way. Men begrudge anyone who went before them, and the begrudging varies with who are the individuals. Husbands can be forgotten as legitimate earners of your favors (unless you bring it up)—but not the others and some measure of too many or too much reflects harshly against not just you but more importantly him.

CAUTION: The Manosphere loudly broadcasts that women are equally entitled to sexual freedom and their history is of no concern to advocates of Game philosophy. Don’t fall for it, darling. Their philosophic values are founded on the supreme superiority of men over women to the extent that respect for women is non-existent. Their philosophic flavoring floats on Feminism, tends toward homoeroticism, and leans on Islamic values. Overall, it contradicts anyone’s interest in sexual discretion and monogamy.

Here are a dozen pointers to help shape the dating scene to your advantage.

  1. Your known past generates suspicions that override acceptances and assurances. Your unknown past generates fewer suspicions to eat away at the mutual trust you hope to build.  [241]
  2. Men seek and others often advise full disclosure. When men actively pursue more about your past, they can’t ignore and not use the information to shape their thinking. Talked into full disclosure, women expect fairness and equality. The male nature does not originate fairness for sharing sexual assets, and equality is a female concept that men don’t normally consider in human relations. [241]
  3. People argue that trust cannot arise without full disclosure. Hah! Trust arises from convictions drawn from beliefs and speculation about a person. Trust does not arise when specific knowledge prevents such convictions. [241]
  4. Full disclosure comes out uneven, unequal, un-repairable, because the male nature values a woman’s chastity far more than the female nature finds interest in a man’s sexual history.  [241]
  5. The harder a man works to draw details out of your sexual past, the more likely he will use it against you sometime, someway. Perhaps latently, indirectly, or vengefully. It’s available to hold over your head and to rationalize or recover from his own mistakes. [241]
  6. Forgetting your sexual past with lack of knowledge is far easier than forgiving what Mr. GoodEnough learns from full disclosure. The more he knows, the more he thinks. The more he thinks, the more he looks for the bad or unacceptable. The more unacceptable, the less forgetting. The less forgetting, the less forgiving. [241]
  7. Feminine intuition trumps full-disclosure. While not easy, you are blessed with the skills and expertise to withhold who, what, when, where, why, and how of what he doesn’t already know. Withholding information is not dishonesty. Disclosure means candid, accuracy means honest. [302]
  8. His spirit and willingness to give more than he takes may indicate his ability to honor your decision and help qualify him as Mr. GoodEnough. However, if he’s more of a taker, he may not honor your other expectations either. Such as these after marriage: Have kids even though he agreed. Or your desire to stay home and home school, when he wants more income in the home. Or support you in caring for a sick parent. [327]
  9. Your undisclosed sexual past defends your relationship, because his ammo box lacks your historical bullets to fire back in domestic squabbles. [327]
  10. The forward-thinking woman convinces all her female friends to never leak anything about her past to her dating partner, boyfriend, husband, or any other man. But this may fail too, because friends betray friends. They steal dates, boyfriends, lovers, and husbands, don’t they? Consequently, the wisest woman keeps her sexual history as secret as possible even from friends and family. [327]
  11. Former relationships may be known to your man, but no mention should be made or comparative details disclosed. It’s toxic in any relationship for you to disclose the relative sexual worth of one man to another, regardless of who’s the better. [302]
  12. Don’t think you can outsmart him by claiming he’s your greatest lover ever. You opened the door to his inquiry about how and why he’s the greatest, so you’re trapped into telling what you’re best off not to disclose.

The more that Mr. GoodEnough knows, the more likely he will make you pay some price for your past. Couples do squabble. You may never know or understand what’s happening. Yet, he may strike back because of your earlier sexual events. It takes very little for reminders of your past to grow into humiliation for him. Your history affects his sense of significance, whether you know it or not and accept it or not. 

I know this subject has been perhaps overheated and difficult to accept. Too much of a good thing can still be boring. Tomorrow’s subject is also a tender one that needs to be reviewed for mid-life dating. It’s submission, even though we all know that subject doesn’t apply before marriage. Preparation is easier than recovery, which is the not just everything but quite often the only thing.

 

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2172. Mid-life Dating — C7: Her Sexual Past


NOTE: During proof reading this sounded like an alibi for men. Not intended. I labor for truth and clarity and hope my writing confirms each.

Men don’t respect others until they earn it. Women lay the foundation for earning  masculine respect through usage of their sexual assets.

The male psyche is guided, albeit unattractively to women, by this conviction. Respect for females begins with respect for how they handle their sexual assets. It’s not the only but most important female behavior that impacts respect early in relationships.

The conviction is stimulated by the male primal drive to compete with Nature and men and to shape human events. Every discouraged conquest means a competitor failed, which adds respect for her. Every conquest means a competitor succeeded, which reduces respect for her. Marriage provides the only exception, because a husband earns his conquest; it wasn’t given to him.

The fewer her experiences and closer to virginity, the more respect is due a woman. His sense of significance is partially based on his ability and success of beating out his competitors for conquest or nearest thing to it. Men mostly fear insignificance. Discovering their woman to have been promiscuous activates those fears, and spikes his interest in restoring his significance, which could be at considerable cost to her.

Consequently, men have an insatiable appetite to know their woman’s sexual past. However, the more details they hear about, the more details they want. It becomes ‘not enough’ once she starts to reveal her history. As she describes whoever and whatever preceded him, his curiosity grows to determine how many, meaningful, lovingly, and legal were her experiences.

He’s really in pursuit—however clouded by disguised intentions—of how his performance ranks in her mind and heart relative to his predecessors. He starts from the conviction that he’s by far the best lover, and so every revelation of hers that enables him to think otherwise sinks their marital ship just a little deeper in the waters of separation. A man can’t live very long with the thought that his woman thinks more of another man’s sexual abilities. He can even be jealous of a dead husband.

Modern women have had enough sex partners that it clouds future relationships. A woman’s next man wants certain reassurances that flow from knowledge about her past. She may provide it, she may withhold it, or he may find out from others.

Political activists and political correctioneers declare it unfair. Her sexual history is none of his business. However, modern sex practices change the dynamic of what’s best for each woman with each man.

Her man wants to know her past. He knows she’s been active. So, he probes until she reveals the details. Even counselors preach mutual candidness. That does not make it good, only acceptable to continue whatever relationship they have.

Advantage accrues to her, if she can keep her sexual history secret or as nearly so as possible. The less he knows, the less he can judge her in jealous or other incidents. The fewer the details, the fewer the thoughts that energize more inquiry. The less he knows, the less he can use against her in future squabbles.

The more he knows, the more likely he will make her pay some price for her past. She may never know or understand what’s happening. Yet, her man may strike back because of her earlier sexual events. It takes very little for reminders of her past to grow into self-generated humiliation for him. Her history affects his sense of significance, whether she knows it or not, accepts it or not. And he’s always eager to restore any loss to his sense of significance; saving face, as it were, by blaming her. 

 

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2160. Dating in Mid-life — Part B4: Risk Takers Win


 Older men respond much as they did when younger and sometimes easier than expected. After all, their present and future life appears much different than decades earlier. I know of these stories from my personal life, but the times are not as precise as depicted.

  • Widow for 25 years meets widower of several years. They date for more than a year that includes several long distance trips. Travel always includes two bedrooms. She rejects marriage because his isn’t saved, and she rejects sex because they aren’t married. Unexpectedly, my Grace leads him to the Lord and they marry soon after.
  • Mature never-married woman has one grown child long out of the nest. She meets older man fixing her PC. They date but she refuses sex until they marry. His interest continues. He becomes eager to marry after a year or two dating and traveling and using separate bedrooms. He also changes his religious affiliation to match hers. (I don’t know if denomination change was a requirement of hers but I strongly suspect it was as she had years earlier left his church.)
  • Twentysomething single mother with baby son is shacked-up with adultolescent and irresponsible father. Fed up, she kicks him out. Lets him visit son regularly and refuses all overtures to make up or remain overnight. No sex, period. After more than a year of living apart, he proposes with the confession he cannot live without her. They marry and now live happily in second or third decade of marriage. Husband grew into an emboldened and mature sense of domestic responsibility and initiative. Successfully started his own business, and they raised their son to become Eagle Scout. Mostly by himself, he built their home in the country after clearing the woods and ground. Rough-hewn life by husband for his family, but her love smoothed it all out around the edges.

Risk takers succeed everywhere. It’s all in the know-how that flows quite naturally out of the well-prepared hearts of females.

Next: Factors that cause men to pursue conquest and marriage tomorrow at #2161.

 

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2156. Dating in Mid-life — Part A1: Put Children Aside for Now


Being too conscientious as single mother is your greatest obstacle to successful dating in mid-life. Your biggest badge of honor is complete dedication and sacrifice to your children, and you moms with one child have it in spades. If you can’t ease up on that single-minded, self-induced, and no longer essential pressure in your life, you’ll never be able to add and successfully merge a new man into your family. If you don’t deserve your own life relative to your children, how can you ever be worthy of a man or deserve your own life with a new husband?

The prospect of family conflict is daunting. No question of that. But resolution is simple. You have to decide. Not who’s the most important in your life, husband or children? But how do you merge their interests into an integral family and harmonized home? If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you’re right.

You know your children and how to handle them. You’ve spent years learning just what they need, want, and can take without breaking. If you can’t convince them that you deserve the attention and affection that they’ve gotten from you for so many years, or if your guilt won’t let you ease up the pressures you put on yourself, then you have no business even considering entering the dating arena.

Sorry, but I was trained in mid-life to be up front, blunt, and candid when high pressure subjects come up. My hard-nose attitude reflected above is based on one irrevocable principle that floats unshakably in the male mind. Husbands will not play second fiddle to children, even their own and much less someone else’s. And they won’t play second fiddle to their wives except for those husbands full of devotion for their own.

It doesn’t mean that women with kids can’t have a new husband. It means that she must use her greatest relationship expertise every day to keep both kids and new date/boyfriend/fiancé/husband convinced that they rank as first priority in her heart. Mothers do it carefully and endlessly with kids. Why not throw someone else in the mix if she can be rewarded by someone other than herself?

I’ve always admired Her Majesty Grace’s success with our three boys. When alone with each, she referred to them as her oldest and most precious, her middlest and most precious, and her youngest and most precious. It worked beautifully for her. They were in mid-life before they learned they were loved more equally than they thought. It added to their regard for each other, because each saw how their mom more highly regarded his brothers.

Hold off the family uproar until you discover if you really want to date. If you really want to face what I shall describe in this series. Not discouragements but encouragements, although you may not see things exactly as I do.

I can’t do it now, but I shall put together an article on how to help handle children better. In the meantime, I think you should forget the impact of your entering the dating arena will have on them. Do what you think is best for yourself while considering how you want to possibly change your life. They will not be forever in the nest, and everything else shall pass as you think and perhaps manage your way into a new way of life.

I admire your courage if you enter the dating scene. I admire your character if you do it in spite of what your children wish. I admire your readership if you argue back with me. I admire your spunk if you learn to make men uncomfortable and thus earn their respect.

As for masculine discomfort, up front, blunt, and candid can pay off with manly respect. For example, I love this motto when you’re approached uninvited and unwanted: No ring, no booty. Still interested?

For tomorrow: 2157—You Gotta’ Know the Territory

 

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