The female purpose of courtship is to transition from dating to engagement; she hopes to build permanence. The male purpose is to facilitate conquest, which is a one-time major event that’s soon forgotten. (Remember: I’m talking about the male and female natures and not what you witness in life.)
Either they both can lose and breakup, or they both can win and stay together. However, there’s one exception. Conquest makes him the winner. She only wins then if he deems her a keeper and finishes his life with her.
I propose that women make courtship more meaningful and a better way to screen and prepare a man for longevity with her. Make courtship more official, a minor form of engagement, and open it by formalizing dedication one to the other. Find out in courtship if they can live with the eternal elephant in the room.
The elephant is sexual fidelity. Can they both be faithful? Obviously, it’s easier for her than him, which is why she should take the lead to qualify them both for courtship.
I propose that single women formalize what’s always been informal and often misinterpreted as to what courtship and boyfriend means. We already know this. Women try to find ways to not cheat; men try to find rationale to defend or excuse having cheated.
I propose that you formalize the title ‘boyfriend’. Don’t use it until you’ve taken him through the simple process described below.
He’s your date-friend and horniness shifts from friendly to passionate. You expect his pursuit of conquest to intensify, because you’re not inclined to yield so soon or so easily.
Wait for him to open the subject. When he perceives that conquest is not going to happen with routine dating, he will seek to escalate the relationship to more openness. At the first mention, I suggest that you take the leader role for calling it courtship and him boyfriend.
Make escalating lady’s choice and dependent upon his making a formal statement of intent to be loyal to you. Sit him down and make calling him boyfriend contingent on what comes out of a meeting of the minds.
Tell him if he’s interested in going beyond just dating, into a deeper commitment with you, it will have to be on your condition. He will have to declare with a clear statement of promise to be sexually faithful to you. Not conditional on either your being faithful or yielding sex to him. Not even mutual. Totally a question of whether he likes you well enough to swear off sex with other women and trust that you will be equally faithful.
Not a mutual agreement based on what you have to say, but his statement of promise of his behavior relative to you. You ask for his one-way dedication to you by remaining innocent of sex with another. What say he? Matter of fact, very direct, no mention of love or other emotions. Tell him you see that he has potential as a good boyfriend. That’s all you tell him; not I love you or I’ll be faithful too. Does he respect you enough to trust that you will not do him wrong?
Don’t take ‘I agree’ or similar acceptance as okay. You want to hear him clearly state, ‘Yes, I will be faithful to you for as long as we’re together.’ Or something very close to that. Stated words have a much deeper impact and meaning for motivating his future behavior. The more emotionally stated, the more deeply are his promises embedded into his heart, which makes it easier for him to remain faithful. (Unless, of course, he’s an habitual and convincing liar.)
You expect a simple expression of intention, purposely given without evasion, easily understood, and containing his promise for you. Any hesitation or evasion on his part, then continue dating. He is not qualified yet for courtship.
Other than to understand the agreement, minimize sex talk and keep it out of the discussion as much as possible. More passionate events will be turning out fruitlessly for him in the future and they add pressure to seek relief with another. So, he’s being pushed hard to give it all up for you. The question for him? Are you worth the sexually unsatisfying pressure? If not, it’s better to find it out now rather than later.
Provided he makes his statement, you make yours to the same effect. State your intention as a promise to be faithful to him. If he likes you well enough to promise earlier without hearing the same out of you, he truly likes, respects, and trusts you and is probably more after you than sex. It’s a major achievement for you to get such confirmation.