Tag Archives: sex

2217. Compatibility Axioms #781-790


781. Proving a man’s good character takes time, and virtual virginity works best. Marry a man of good character, and the promise of permanence brightens her future. [269]

782. The TV in the bedroom adds more straying power than staying power for both sexes. Late night shows program the mind for what’s bigger, better, and more appealing outside the home. The body’s relaxed, the shows are enjoyable, the heart and mind more vulnerable. [269]

783. Men get the urge. Women agree to merge. When done too quickly, children hear the dirge. [269]

784. Promiscuity softens a woman’s natural hard-headed determination and hardens her soft-hearted manner. [270]

785. Mothers civilize and tame aggressiveness in boys—or boys live aggressively and more freely for life. Teen girls civilize boys into men—or they don’t get there. Wives domesticate husbands to settle down, or men move their conquering selves around too much for their wife. [270]

786. A woman kisses a frog. Then, she neuters her prince with criticizing words that sour his spirit of royalty. [270]

787. Feminine mystique is whatever a woman does that stimulates curiosity and keeps a man guessing, uncomfortable, defensive, and unsure of her determination and intention about his role in her life. [270]

788. Her hard-headedness tames Mr. GoodEnough in the short range. Her soft-heartedness helps him morph into Mr. Right over the years ahead. [270]

789. Should she expect and can she get everything? Is trying for perfection asking too much, when the subject so easily disrupts his habits?  [271]

790. Doesn’t complaining about his approach to sex take her eye off the prize of keeping him? [271]

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2168. Chivalry — Another Casualty from the Dark Side of Feminism


There’s more coming on mid-life dating, but let’s take a break. Guy Jr. and I collaborated on this subject and two part series for weekend reading.

Women are givers, men are takers. Right? However, bet you never thought of these social processes that leave women craving better men made worse by the death of chivalry.

The spirit of Feminism stirs masculine indignation against feminists; which spreads as non-feminists fall for propaganda and adopt feminist values and expectations; which causes masculine disappointment in womanhood; which stimulates loss of unconditional respect for the female gender; which over time morphs into fury and anger at individual women who show men disrespect; which stirs ambitions for revenge; which intensifies as women blame men for social ills and domestic incompatibility; which convinces men that female uniqueness is valuable only for sex; which kills masculine desire to be more giving; which terminates incentives for gentlemanly behavior and energies for chivalry. Even momentarily, men are unwilling to yield their convenience as symbol of higher regard for women than themselves. Self-centeredness, selfishness, and more taking prevail among men.

Domestic incompatibility soars as women face off against men made uninterested and inadequate for helping to fulfill female hopes and dreams.

History records it this way. The suffragettes planted the seeds, Women’s Liberation fertilized it, and feminists reaped the political fruit trying to emasculate men and thereby destroy patriarchy. Due and well earned in legal, political, and economic arenas, women’s advancements at men’s expense spread toxins into social and domestic arenas, which today makes couples incompatible.

Feminists killed the social construct of ladies as cultural opinion leaders, which pushed men to abandon gentlemanly behavior. Feminists rejected unconditional respect for females to symbolize their demand that men accept the political superiority of the female gender. Needing to appear as dominant leaders, feminists rejected chivalry, belittled gentlemanly courtesies, and shamed the unconditional respect of men for the female gender. (I can open doors myself, I don’t need you.)

Women accepted feminist propaganda and watched as ladyhood died of feminist ridicule. Women abandoned femininity as a featured attraction to capture a man for mating. Men lost interest in female hopes and dreams.

In the name of attacking manhood, womanhood was victimized by radical feminists. Chivalry disappeared along with the death of masculine thoughts that women deserved special attention and treatment just for being the weaker sex. Feminists could not admit to being the weaker sex, even though it’s a misnomer based solely on physical differences. As women proclaimed less need for men and greater strength for femaleness, they got what they wished for. Independence from men except for sex, which also nullified any need for chivalry.

I think it purposeful. Feminism killed the unconditional respect of one’s gender for the other sex that our forebears had developed and had become the greatest protector ever devised for women and children—respect solely because they are women and children (and who gets in the life boat first). Mutual respect for the opposite sex was demeaned and lost trying to benefit women at the expense of men.

Loss of mutual respect at gender level magnifies the loss at individual level. Undesirable relationship outcomes for females depletes the benefits of men in their lives. Witness the death of chivalry, fading away of gentlemanly behavior, and disintegration of harmonious family life—all tied together in a neat radical package.

The fallout today? Boys taught to be chivalrous such as in scouting discover they are emasculated in the eyes of girls and women. After a few unsuccessful efforts to demonstrate gentlemanly or chivalrous behavior, they just quit. Without female encouragement, they turn to easier ways. For example, this ultimate insult for women as quoted from the Manosphere, “there is unanimous agreement that you should never buy dinner for a woman as a date before you have had sex with her. This is probably the most unanimous point of agreement across all Game material from all sources.” Can you think of a bigger opposite of chivalry?

Chivalry triggers unconditional giving of oneself by a man, which minimizes masculine selfishness and neutralizes his role as taker, which symbolizes unconditional respect of women, which recognizes a certain superiority of the female gender, and which puts his convenience momentarily at the disposal of a woman. No wonder women appreciate chivalry and wish they had it again.

 

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2167. Dating in Mid-life — Part C5: More Personal Planning


First, you have advertise. Then you meet. Then you screen. Then you accept his invitation to date. I suggest you plan what you want and how you will get those things by talking to yourself in the mirror. You will also get to know yourself better, which means more confidence and dedication to your mission of dating anew. Your best friend in the mirror will also help convince you that dating is to find a man worthy of you rather than making yourself worthy and available for even the most gorgeous of men. (There ain’t no Mr. Right until you make him so.)

You are precisely in life today where you have chosen to be. Whoever, whatever, and wherever you are produced the results you see in the mirror. The fact that you seek a date means you need an upgrade. Every gal needs it periodically even if not dating. Makeover? New clothes? New hairdo? More neatness? More feminine? More modesty? More mystery? Less selfish? Less weight? More other-centeredness? More lighthearted persona? More smiles? Reinforced sincerity to prevent using phoniness to get immediate gratification? You’ll figure out what you have to have or just want, if you spend enough time with your reflected best friend.

Perhaps you can or should improve all of the above. The more time you spend at the mirror, the more and better you will figure out just what needs to be done to satisfy you (which never happens anyway except temporarily). Why is it important?

Simultaneously, you will be reinforcing your self-image, your picture of self, which governs how you live your life. We all act according to the picture we have of ourselves. When we ‘fall out of line’, do something out of character for example, we either alibi it to ourselves or others, correct it if we can, or apologize if we should. IOW, we take some action when we fail to stay within the limits set by our self-image of who we are, what we do, and how we live life.

But let’s move on. Stay away from cleavage, exotic, and erotic. You can expect those things will get you invited for dates. But, when a date’s mind gets transfixed on sex first, it doubles the difficulty for you to convert his interest back to your person. If you’re not his primary interest, his actions to please you won’t likely develop into devotion, just commitment for temporary sex.

Sometime, and I suggest at the mirror, you need to specify to yourself just where you stand on values, standards, and expectations to control his behavior. If you don’t expect these things, they will not happen. For example, these should be minimal:

  • You expect to be treated respectfully as person, female, and guest of a presumed gentleman.
  • He must respect your modesty religion, moral standards, and whatever you choose to disclose about family, friends, and self.
  • He can’t touch your erogenous zones if uninvited and you don’t expect invitations to be forthcoming until…? (I suggest after his diamond commitment. Nothing sacred about it, but deep arousal should be delayed as long as it takes him to become devoted to you.)
  • Foul language is unwelcome. (It’s an easy distinguisher to separate you from other women, make you unique among your competitors.)
  • Sex is not a discussable topic unless you mention it. If he brings up the subject of sex, you counter with the subject of marriage. Keep the latter going until he stops the former. The objective being to get off sex rather than stay on marriage. (But, incidentally, if he can’t abide you mentioning marriage, it’s a red flag that he can’t think about it.)
  • Finally, have a few ways of making him uncomfortable when he goes too far for your comfort, or objectives, or intentions, or pledges to yourself. Find other softer ways to say, No ring, no booty.

All of the above enable you to take stands that earn respect simply because you claim them as who you are, and you do it with pride, confidence, and disregard for whether others like it or not.

If you really want to seal the deal of venturing into the dating arena with a stronger and more appealing presence, I suggest that conclusions you make at the mirror be transcribed into a journal. Put in writing what you commit to about yourself, standards, and expectations. For example, what red flags are sufficient to call it off for a man?

Now ladies, I recognize that I have been talking like a man. You all know how to water down my rhetoric and make it more relevant to your condition with less directness and more understanding. Essentially, that applies throughout this mid-life dating series. In the process of being indirect except for offenses that you won’t stand for, you’ll know how to do it better and more polished than I describe it.

 

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2165. Dating in Mid-life — Part C3: You Dominate or Lose


Attempts to dominate either a man or your date can both challenge and offend him. Yet, you should dominate relationship development. To do that, you dominate the subject of sex until conquest. After that your dominance goes away and you have to rely on his respect, your likeability, his devotion, and your ability to get your way while being submissive.

Men may disagree, resent, and even storm off in anger for effect or permanently. But, they know you’re entitled to protect your sexual assets. Regardless of their apparent unwillingness to respect your right, they know they have to earn it. Proof? They don’t really expect you to be submissive until they have conquered you.

You should also dominate the subject of your dignity. It’s identified by what you can’t live with, and you need to have your mind fixed strongly on just what those things are. Example: Don’t tolerate his embarrassing you. If you feel a reddening in your face, he’s violated your nature,  gone too far, and needs to know it. Your modesty is your best weapon to stave off masculine misbehavior.

When you dominate sex and dignity successfully, it enables you to develop a better relationship—if one is to develop out of subsequent dates. With this caveat, do it all without seeming to dominate. Perception is reality, so you don’t want him to perceive that you’re dominating the subject. Not telling him how or what to do but just standing your ground, protecting your interest, and guarding your unique assets with a strong will. You may offend him by defending yourself, but you will also earn his respect. If offense exceeds respect, he’s not the guy for you anyway. If respect exceeds offense, he’ll be more careful next time. He’s learning to not displease or disrespect you.

If you commit to following your nature, you will instinctively do the following and intuitively respond to his words and actions with behaviors that promote a promising relationship.

  • Identify and commit yourself to your unbendable values, standards, and expectations. Seal them in concrete in your heart and pledge your intentions to yourself to not violate them or let anyone talk you into acting contrary to them.
  • The first time it happens, inform him that if he displeases or disrespects you, you will let him know with an almost insignificant signal. Subsequently, don’t try to correct him directly. Just show the same signal each time he displeases or disrespects you or challenges, offends, or attempts to bribe you out of your panties or the solid values, standards, and expectations sealed in your heart. (As a signal for example, I suggest just showing him your pinkie finger (see #2150) but you may find something less unique and more pleasing to you. Rub your nose, pat the top of your head, or whatever as long as he gets a silent message that you’re displeased but can get over it if the subject is changed right away.)
  • Recent articles [2153 and 2154] put forward the condition that female dominance causes masculine discomfort. Actually, most of the time it works in reverse; causing masculine discomfort generates female dominance. It enables women to dominate with the right discomforting signal.
  • The knife edge of successful dating is this. He is so cocky and confident that he expects to have no trouble bringing up the subject of sex. He’s comfortable with the talking or the doing. You aren’t, shouldn’t be, or at least your nature is not comfortable. Your objective should be to make him uncomfortable about sex until you introduce it as acceptable. He’s uncomfortable about marriage. So, when he brings up sex, you respond by bringing up marriage. Oh, not proposing it; just mention it as discussable until he drops sex. Tie the two together tightly until such time as you deem the relationship well developed and ready for you to yield initiative to him on the subject.

So, if he can’t find comfort with you and still live with some discomfort about sex and marriage, it’s a red flag that he probably is not truly after you but just sex with you. And that’s a major part of breathing success into relationship development.

 

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2163. Dating in Mid-life — Part C1: Improve Vision of Self


You no doubt are a good person, woman, and potential date. Make yourself better before the mirror, however, and three dramatic changes follow. 1) You like yourself better, which enables you to internalize less and associate more easily and likeably. 2) Your attractive likeability enlarges in the eyes of men. 3) You increase your worth as a potential mate. Then the hard work begins; you have more men to screen for Mr. Good Enough.

Mid-life dating is not what you expect. Your normal expectations base it on age-adjusted wishes, hopes, and dreams held over from girlhood. Such as, you deserve this, you promise that, you can love again, you can make a man happy. But four possible weaknesses are embedded there.

  1. What you think you deserve is of little interest to a guy, until he confirms or figures it out that you are respected—as person, woman, and roles you can imaginatively fill in his life—and, therefore, may deserve his attention and loyalty.
  2. Your words of promise mean little or nothing. They might make him feel good for awhile, but your actions are what he perceives as promising to brighten his life. Actions work better than words to hold him. (But don’t go overboard to impress him or suck up. Be relatively cool and perhaps a little standoffish. Make him work to attract you to him. He and not you should show eagerness. You’re the buyer and have to make him the seller.)
  3. Your love does not hold a man. He may see promise in it, which might help you capture him. But your actions that flow out of your love and satisfy him are the ones that keep him interested in you more than just as a sex object. (For example, making yourself pleasant, comforting, and perhaps even entertaining just to be around. Divert his mind away from his single life.)
  4. Men are not interested in being happy as you think of it, e.g., upbeat and joyful. Their counterpart to your happiness is just plain old unemotional satisfaction with themselves. Men should see capturing you as a great accomplishment. They pursue self-admiration out of which grows an endless stream of satisfaction with who they are and what they do. So, exploiting their energy is supposed to earn admiration and satisfaction. Multiplying their satisfaction brings significance. Is that important? Well, their greatest fear is loss of significance, so not earning satisfaction associating with you must be disappointing.

Tune up your mind before you tune up your heart. He’s not into dating or a relationship because you need him, are lonely, can please him regularly, or even that you can or do love him. He dates and continues a relationship with you because he earns self-admiration, determines that your actions signify loyalty to who he is and what he does, and all that leads to his self-satisfaction.

Setting aside for the moment his desire to conquer you, in your presence he feels comfortable. He finds you likeable and fun to be around, respects you, admires himself for having you ‘belong’ to him. When not in your presence, he enjoys more whatever he’s doing, thinks of you and smiles, finds self-admiration more easily at his work because his spirit lifts with thoughts of you. Such small emotional uplifts satisfy him that he’s right for associating with you. It’s not your love that will capture and hold him, but your attention to the details that provide those small uplifts and prove your loyalty to him and his life. Men believe what they figure out by  themselves. (Your rewards come later and sometimes much later.)

Also, you should be aiming at all that on the first face-to-face encounter. If such recognitions are resident in your heart—that is, you know who you are, who he is likely to be, and what you will deliver to and accept from him—then you’re ready to be invited into the dating arena.

Three of your features prompt first date invitations. Your sexual attractiveness, your emotional attractiveness/likeable appearance, and your sense of importance to yourself out of which reflects an attitude that men find interesting. Younger men want to see an attitude of sexual promise. Middle age men are attracted by prospects of endearing associations that enable them to try again, reinvent their lives, or recover from past mistakes. Elders mostly long for a good woman aka comfortable companion or vice versa.

Out of all those are the unique men you should find most appealing for your relationship hopes. Looking for weaknesses to get you into bed, they are surprised to discover mystery, modesty, femininity, monogamous loyalty, female uniqueness, and other qualities they can admire aka virtues. Which makes you virtuous and men want to marry a virtuous woman. IOW, they find so many virtues that they can’t refuse you and you get to choose to buy the most qualified guy who matches your expectations. Admittedly, it may take a lot of dates for all that to unfold.

From the get go, be prepared and know how you will handle your infatuation that may appear even late in life. Not with teen intensity but enough that it clouds your reason and judgment. Remember, there is no Mr. Right until you have lived with him for many years and he morphs toward what you dreamed of. Today, you should look for Mr. Good Enough.

NOTE for you younger ladies. If you get accused of being a prude or old fashioned, study article 1708. You can use it to make men uncomfortable, which will change the behavior of those interested primarily in you.

Next is about planning. Tomorrow at #2164.

 

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2157. Dating in Mid-life — Part B1: You Gotta’ Know the Territory


Her Highness MeowMeow at 2153 asked about dating in one’s fifties. I expand it to ages 30 to 60 and deepen it to include developing (but not maintaining) a lifetime relationship. After all, that’s the unspoken objective and endless dream behind all dating for women in mid-life.

Some women too easily, however, give up before they exhaust the blessings they inherit at birth. They shouldn’t. Hope springs eternal from the heart of a woman, and by God’s design it enables you to make your world turn in your favor. Born to be happy, you earn it as you find and expand your gratefulness while searching, capturing, and relating with a man. Hopefully he’s valuable and beneficial for your mellowing lifestyle. But if he’s no better than adequate, it’s no reason to give up. You’re powerfully skilled to improve a relationship that starts out short of perfect.

Age doesn’t matter before first date if you exploit your relationship expertise. You aim at success. It calls for you to exploit your own strengths, compensate for your weaknesses, make the most of new man’s strengths, and ignore his weaknesses long enough to learn to also compensate for them. The female heart is wonderfully designed and powerfully blessed to exploit strengths and weaknesses and do it well. After learning, of course, and avoiding discouragement from the few or even more mistakes made along the way.

It all may sound too complex to fathom, but my role is to make the process simpler so you can make it easier for yourself and more meaningful for the next man in your life. I present this series in four major sections: a) the children (posted at 2156 and more to follow), b) relationship development process, c) your role, and d) the roles of men.

Relationship Development Process.

Others talk endlessly about the dating scene. Most women’s interest at every age, however, is about what dating leads to. It’s the start up to merging two or more lives together harmoniously and hopefully for life. So, all about dating that follows is designed to help women develop relationships that lead to permanency. All else is folderol or fun and games and irrelevant here.

By nature women are processors; they keep things going. Men are producers; they find satisfaction in making single events and results come out as intended. First date is a production and belongs to the man. Second date begins the relationship development process and your involvement. Being a series of events, dating one guy or many, the process works to the woman’s advantage or she’s not doing it right. That’s why women float along under the stewardship of each individual dater; return engagements are best produced by not driving the bus. Men are willing to deliver one date at a time, because they hope with minimal obligation to discover what price they must eventually pay to get you in bed.

You all know this but—especially during passionate moments—it’s inconvenient to remember it. Men date to associate and work up to getting sex. Women date to develop a lasting relationship. They compete. Each tries to sell the other on their agenda. He works directly but tries to disguise it with dynamic selling of himself. You work indirectly, and it takes you much longer to sell a man on your agenda. If you can’t find time and reason to hold him off and complete your sale, you yield first time sex and he wins and you may or may not lose him. What happens after his conquest is unknown until after it happens. He changes, and then you find out how accurate and true were his words. How he really, truly feels about you—or doesn’t. You take all the risk or you don’t get very far.

Unfortunately, that’s the only way for you to uncover a man’s intentions. Wait to see his actions and believe what he does after your first sex together, and locked in marriage is optimal. After his momentous conquest outside of marriage, he will be a changed man. He also takes charge of your sexual agenda as conqueror’s right, and you become keeper, booty, or dumpee. You don’t know which until the time comes, unless you have delayed conquest long enough for his devotion to you alone to have developed. That means months at least and perhaps a year or more of courtship.

Romantic love is often a scene stealer, disguiser of truth. It may or may not contribute to the enduring love that you hope will follow after romantic love fades a year or two after conquest.

Over the first few decades of life, the youthful attitudes of both sexes change. Out of unsuccessful relationships and soured marriages, the genders shy away from closeness except often for the mutual comfort of sex. But sex doesn’t bond men, only women.

Consequently, you are more interested than men for developing a relationship, and it generates three burdens for you in the dating arena. You have to virtually ignore risks to your feelings, learn to proceed cautiously, and have to earn the respect of each man you date. Moreover, development works best when you neither explain yourself or your feelings directly, nor try to convince him of your love with words. He believes much more easily what he figures out for himself.

You have to earn a permanent relationship. You do so by actions that show new man that he’s admired and favored over others. Oh, not on first date but both later and by indirectness. It enables him to see promise in you that can and likely will help fulfill his present life and future ambitions.

From day one you should claim these truths as part of your attitude. Men stay married when they sense themselves rewarded and admired for husbanding, fathering, and believing that only they can do as well at what they do best. That is, produce, provide, protect, and problem solve for those to whom they accept responsibility.

During dating and courtship, you should get your mind and heart wrapped around how to do your part in that scenario. After marriage is too late to start. Without it being habitual in your heart before marriage, the glow of bridal success will keep your focus elsewhere and thus hold you back. The absence of admiration, respect, dependence, and gratefulness for his presence in your life are toxic to a marriage, and so should be developed in courtship.

Men date for fun and games and put sex at the top of the priority list. When you don’t have a plan to follow, it releases men to follow their interest, which inevitably doesn’t work well for you. Expecting to develop a relationship, you do best when you have solid intentions that are more important in your heart than having a date or dates (more later about a plan).

That’s the territory. Now, let’s talk about the value of chaste courtships that fall automatically out of chaste dates and the promise of more chastity. It’s coming tomorrow at #2158.

 

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2155 — Compatibility Axioms #691-700


691. Whatever embarrasses a woman reveals her heart-felt and unchanging modest nature. When she tries to overcome or ignore it for a man, she misses earning his respect, which enlarges his dominion over her.  [237]

692. Female modesty rigidly enforced is the strongest natural counterbalance to male domination. She wins as a person entitled to equal respect by defending her modest nature competitively with other persons also due respect even with their immodesty. [237]

693. The second strongest counterbalance is a woman’s self-respect and determination to stand up for herself, her dignity, her claims for the proper alignment of things in her life. She wins a man’s respect by defending her values, standards, and expectations competitively as a woman standing up for herself and making him take the back seat to her character.

694. The third strongest counterbalance is a woman’s actions that prove her loyalty to, respect of, and dependence on a man. All displayed with an attitude of gratitude for who he is and what he does. Thus, she wins indirect influence by not competing over who has the dominant role. [237]

695. Her lack of values, standards, and expectations means that she follows her man’s. The lower his are, the more that testosterone and male dominance direct his life. It makes their life together ever harder for her to upgrade. [237]

696. She comes across as respectable, courageous, and strong—and maybe and unfortunately disposable—when she repeatedly has the strength to say ‘No’ to conquest. [237]

697. (This is one of my favorites.) As one woman claimed, Femininity adds color to a man’s black and white world. (Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, 2003, PAX Programs, Inc. Sherman Oaks, CA , p.151) [244]

698. She makes her single self worthy of a man and thus becomes seller instead of buyer. This clicks her for the recycle bin, although he may not dump her until later.  [244]

699. By conqueror’s right he takes control of their sexual agenda. She needs to own it until marriage, because it lays firm groundwork for counterbalancing his dominance after marriage. [244]

700. Men separate sex from the gal. It’s natural because the urge to conquer obscures the person behind the sex target. She only has to be known well enough to convince her into bed. Women let men get by with it by not requiring a well-developed and deeper relationship before yielding. [244]

P.S. The series on dating in mid-life is still in preparation. Coming soon to a screen near you.

 

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