Tag Archives: character

2348. Tribute to the Female Nature — 04: Mom is God-like


Her Highness MLaRowe inspired this article. She posited that mothers and grandmothers determine how well kids turn out. When they “taught them the right way”, the kids are likeable and turn out well. She’s absolutely right and I back her up.

But I caution: Peers shape personality, mothers shape character. Of the two, the rest of us appreciate character more than personality.* It makes all the difference in adulthood. Well-turned out kids may or may not make well-turned out adults. Smart mothers hope for both but in the end appreciate the latter more than the former.

I describe what was subliminally recognized in old school and now ignored. The feminists demeaned female nature and subtracted from the natural value of mothers. They did so to transform the political value of females. Just part of feminist propaganda that promoted Leftist and anti-American goals.

The stronger as female, more feminine as woman, and more conscientious as mother, the better her children turn out. No doubt in my mind that God designed females that way. You don’t have to believe in God; just in the premise that mothers by the glory of pregnancy and birth live up to something bigger than themselves—whether infant, God, child’s father, parents, personal dreams, or all of the above.

God created us, loves each equally, endows each with free will, and empowers us to develop ourselves into what we want to become. Mothers do the same. Thus, giving birth is a godly act in human form. God gave us the moral and religious guidance to lead the good life. Mothers have that guidance and everyone else wishes they would use it, seeing as how it turns out better kids and adults with whom the rest of us must live among.

Duplicating God, mom gives her children free will as soon as they can handle it. And that’s the crux. Mom has the God-like power to send her children into life according to the level of maturity they have reached on any and every given day. Children, being self-developers need and respond to good guidance (think morality, religion, biblical principles) rather than frustrated dictates (think mom with little or no guidance or poor upbringing by her mom).

Mom sacrifices herself because she doesn’t put herself first. Each good mother lives up to someone or something bigger or higher than herself. Just that process makes her a better person, out of which comes a better woman, out of which comes a better mother, out of which comes better children provided mom helps them develop themselves to become better adults rather than just better kids.

Most of which mom determines and manages successfully or unsuccessfully before puberty, after which her ability diminishes significantly.

WADWMUFGAO. Only mothers are directly committed to feeling good by dedicating themselves to the raising of better children and grandchildren. And often through great sacrifice.** (Father helps but compared to mom, he’s pretty insignificant except as mom may stumble or tumble inadequately.)

Men don’t, but women need both morality and religion. It’s their source for the guidance they need to raise good children. Seeing the influence of women on society and the exemplary American success in the 1830s, Tocqueville said: “morals are the work of woman.” Toddlers are sponges created for absorption, and no one but mom knows how to fill up and wring out her toddler-sponge.

We have another part to this story—character vs. personality. That is, values and standards taught by mom versus pressures and expectations to be ‘accepted and belong’ as required by peers, especially those encountered after puberty.

Three major results end up shaping the adult from mom’s start up. All develop simultaneously. I separate then for simplicity.

Character as shaped before puberty based on the values and standards inculcated by mom. The more that moral and religious guidance prompts mom in her teachings, the stronger and more reliable is the character of the child-turned-adult. The need for mom to lead by example can’t be overstated. (Ditto for father in order to justify mom’s legitimacy in matters of authority.)

Self-development as shaped before puberty by the child and his self-interest, self-confidence, determination, and ambition while he associates with his parents, siblings, teachers, and peers. A child exercises his free will to the extent of his desire and willingness of others to accept how, who, and what he wants to be now and later. The more prominent his desire and behavior to be like adults rather than tweens or teens, the better the job mom is doing by imparting values, standards, and her subliminal expectations.

NOTE: Kids are hardwired to be different from everyone else, both personality- and character-wise. Parents’ behavior expectations such as “why can’t you be more like (sibling)” are more damaging than productive. Such comparison comments convince a child they are inadequate, which can follow for life.

Personality as shaped into final form after puberty by associating and seeking success with peers. Accepting and adopting peer values and expectations works as if a vacuum. The stronger the character developed with mom’s earlier guidance, the less the vacuum effect and greater the natural resistance to teen peer pressures and expectations. The weaker a child’s adult-like character, then the more prone to accepting and adopting adolescent and adult-unfriendly behaviors, and the more likely he becomes an adultolescent—permanently frayed around the edges of his behavior: physical adult but mental adolescent.

Consequently, the hand that rocks the cradle rocks the world and as women go so goes society—but as mothers go is a more precise statement. MLaRowe has it right.

——

OP-ED: If we should ever decide to restore the glory due to motherhood, we should start with getting rid of t-shirts over pregnant bellies. Let’s restore expectant motherhood to its high place in family and society. Put prospective mothers in unique and pretty attire, such as smocks used to do and feminine modesty amplified that pregnant-only glow on her face.

Why focus the attention on the baby before birth? It’s more proper to honor her well-earned, easily recognized, extraordinary glow over many months. She earns and should receive it. Not for delivery but for moving pleasantly forward on such a salutary achievement.

Honor expectancy first; father did it but she gets all the glory. Honor delivery second; mom did it and infant gets all the attention while mom get virtually no more except sore. So, pay it forward for mom before delivery. Attention for the infant awaits its dramatic appearance.

Mothers deserve far more respectful attention out of the rest of us than they are getting.

——

*Now, if we’d just learn to vote for character rather than personality, we might be able to save America and Western civilization.

**Just an aside about a mom’s sacrifice: If you’ve not seen it, try “Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story.”

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Blog 2252 — Her Wrinkles are Good


Her Highness Beloved at 2251 probably doesn’t realize she paid me the kindest compliment. She enabled me to think through a troublesome problem, that of wives blaming loss of husbands on female aging. I use facial wrinkles as the most prominent symbol that women use of their aging.

The sexes age very differently. For this article, I reduce it to two major causes and effects. She loses her youthful appearance and tries to restore it. He loses his sexual ability and tries to rejuvenate it. Out of shame, ignorance, and lack of concern of the other’s nature, they don’t try to compensate together but instead do unhelpful things for their marriage.

Sir Eric recently pointed out that men are primarily attracted to youthful looking females with narrow waists that produce an ‘hour-glass’ appearance. True, but those two factors take on a simpler role in marriage. (She’s already conquered and his urge to conquer others is quieted by marital obligation.)

Her youthfulness is a major part of the glue of their togetherness; it reminds him of his youthful capability or what he wishes he still had. She’s great to have around as reminder of what he once was and had for looks and ability. He sees her change, more from mature actions than appearance. Her wrinkles are not central, just a very small part of her morphing image. Nowhere near the importance that she gives them.

Nevertheless, she blames her wrinkles as losing her beauty and believes that he—were he not so considerate—also thinks the same. Consequently, women overreact about wrinkle development. They easily get lost hoping to find a way to ease their personal pain in hope of assuaging husband’s regret which doesn’t exist.

Her hour-glass waist attracts primarily for sex. Her body attracts his. She’s great to have around as reminder of what he once was and had in bed. Body wrinkles don’t interfere much with sex. The really important things to men don’t change that much with age: lips, vagina, clitoris, eyes, ears, hair, breasts, plus cute or appealing mannerisms she displays during sex. Body wrinkles interfere with touch, perhaps, but a man’s body is also changing before his eyes and aging becomes acceptable with adjustments to expectations.

The Wifely Dilemma. That’s the surface but not the whole story. It deserves expansion of thought because women use wrinkles as an alibi for being cheated on or abandoned. IOW, they let wrinkles motivate them to do wrong things for marriage.

  • Female vanity has a natural purpose. By paying close attention to making herself look her best, she learns to live with, deal with, and adjust to accepting the wrinkling that comes with age. The absence of daily attention, facial care, and mirror time turns wrinkles into a much bigger deal than warranted. (The more they are looked at, the less important they become.)
  • Youthful appearance attracts and holds a man’s interest because it helps justify loving her. Tiny waist attracts him sexually and sex with her confirms his continued interest and love. (Unsuccessful sex casts doubt on his decisions about loving her. I know, women don’t let unsuccessful sex stop their loving their man. But men love very differently from women.)
  • Gracious aging reminds a husband how smart he was to team up with her. She continues to be the gal for whom he gave up his independence. (When husband thinks about his or her aging, wrinkles play no part; too many other things are more important to the masculine side of married life.)
  • As couples age, other emotional connections develop and reinforce a marriage around other than youthful appearance. The sexual hopes and dreams of men do not age but their sex drive declines. So, late in marriage, a thin waist is more appealing to a husband than a youthful face, which means that wrinkles don’t damage the marital landscape nearly as much as overeating for many years.
  • The husbandly view of wives fits this model for life. When they met, he found her emotionally attractive, loyal and likeable as a promising fit for his personality and ambitions, and married her on that basis. Her sexual attractiveness held him spellbound until conquest and subsequent sexual relations reinforced her likeability. Simple, two factors. 1) Her loyalty and likeability confirmed his love and brought him into marriage. 2) Their sexual relations confirm his wisdom about 1).
  • As they age, youthfulness and waist size merge to become part of their relationship. 1) Her loyalty and likeability continue to hold him and wrinkles play no part. 2) Sexual relations deteriorate with his aging and he forever looks for ways to restore his vigor with imaginative prods to his libido. Her sexual ability doesn’t age although her interest may, which may discourage her from helping husband restore his sexual thought and vitality in bed.
  • Husbands neither dump wives nor chase trophies because of wrinkles, so wives do better when they rethink their relationship management style and practice and perhaps calm their ego in the process.
  • Men take aging as inevitable and wrinkles for granted. Of course, women can’t stand being taken for granted, and so they imagine all kinds of spousal discrimination as they pass through middle age and into senior-ville. It’s wasted effort; far better for wives to focus on more meaningful shortcomings that may have crept into their marital persona.
  • Women resent their wrinkles as taking away their beauty. Nature works quite contrary to that. It compensates and better than a face lift too. Men see it this way. Face lifts may remove wrinkles but they also remove lines that add character that nature uses to replace youthfulness with dignity and virtuous maturity. Men prefer signs of strong character to faux youthfulness. They can’t respect what appears to be phony and face lifts produce that impression however subliminal it may be.
  • Wives like to believe that men abhor wrinkles. It provides an alibi. Changes in appearance due solely to aging are beyond her responsibility, so she has an excuse for letting both appearance and relationship deteriorate as if caused by aging. She can blame him as finding fault with her aging and ignore the other things that displease husbands.
  • Woman-think does not make men think like women. That her appearance changes solely from aging means little to men. However, husbands begrudge bad habits that produce less desire for sex or that make them appear as suckers or worse to their masculine peer competitors.
  • If men ever claim a lady’s wrinkles to be offensive, something much deeper and drawn out over time is behind it; wrinkles are the facade. The male nature urges men to motivate themselves to move forward with what they have and not get hung up on what they can’t change. Aging is easily acceptable to men, although the male ego sometimes gets in the way of his aging graciously (e.g., outlandish mid-life crisis.)
  • If husband loves wife, her aging fits right in with his. He’s not going to cheat or dump her because of her wrinkles. Husbands dump wives because they lose their likeability and loyalty to their man. Just one example, he stays in excellent shape and health and she lets herself go to hell in a handbasket. It’s not her aging per se. It’s her unwillingness to stay abreast of his lifestyle—in this example—that means much to him and for which the relationship expert must accept responsibility.
  • Men expect and live easily with slow aging and deliberate acceptance. Except, perhaps, when their woman goes overboard spending hard-earned money—unnecessarily to men—for face lift and other appearance changes the pursuit of which changes her role in his life to that of someone he didn’t marry.

The Single Woman’s Dilemma.

  • I disclose a bias. I personally favor tummy tucks as more appealing to husbands and am against face lifts because they are more appealing to wives. To me, the former aids compatibility and the latter weakens it. Money spent on compatibility is more beneficial than that spent on the female ego. But that’s just this man’s opinion.
  • As for single women, I don’t fault face lifts. But women should be advised of this. To remove wrinkles for the sake of being differently attractive for the next guy can be beneficial. If her reason is to like herself better, it won’t be beneficial and she’s wasting money.

Pardon, ladies. I’ve made a bigger thing out of facial wrinkles than I initially intended. But I don’t have the time to shorten it.

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2173. He Badgers You About Sexual History


Commenting at 2172 Her Highness Juju inspired another break in the mid-life dating series. This article responds to her, but I’ve made it relevant for all women.

That Horse is Dead responded to Juju with this sound reasoning:

“If a man ‘badgers you constantly’ to disclose your sexual history and you’ve made yourself clear that the topic is not up for discussion (no ring, no booty), I believe he disqualifies himself as Mr. Good Enough. Your actions speak to the fact that his accusations are unfounded especially when he can’t conquer you himself. He’s fishing for your weaknesses, so allow him to go fish somewhere else, preferably back into the parade of men you will never regret.”

To which I add a way out for Juju and all women badgered for any reason to go against their will. There comes a time when every man needs to be put in his place in the world of females.

Juju, you should make a decision. Are you tough enough to get your way and end his inquisition forever? If yes, then study and figure out how to make the following proposal fit your personality and character. Then do it with courage and determination knowing that you’re in the right. (Don’t consult with girlfriends first; prepare and do it all by yourself.)

In private, sit him down, stand over him, point your finger in his face, and proclaim with a stern face, emphatic words, but not angry voice. Both countenance and sounds he’s never heard from you, “It – is – none – of – your – business. My sexual history is exclusively my business.” (He should wonder why he deserves what he’s receiving. He feels relatively innocent but now knows better.)

Don’t complain, don’t explain further. Don’t let him initiate a dialogue. End the convo and do something else immediately. Let him stew on his own what he just saw and heard. (What he sees registers more impressively than what he hears.)

Now I know you intuitively object to doing such a thing. It strikes you as not feminine and perhaps outrageous. Perhaps so, but let me describe some of the LASTING benefits that flow out of the instinctive* side of human nature.

  1. He will be shocked and become more in awe of you and your internal strength. It earns respect.
  2. Should you marry, the influence of that moment will last forever. It earns respect. (A woman should restrict herself to about a half-dozen of such dramatic and purposely designed encounters in a lifetime marriage. More is to lose the beneficial effects.)
  3. Your emphatic verbalization will surprise him and turn him against earning or deserving it again. It earns respect.
  4. You will shape your relationship such that he either departs or stays welded for life to his fear of your anger which you just presented without anger. It earns respect and will keep him wary of his behaviors that may cause your anger.
  5. He will remember the look on your face, and every time he sees it in the future, you will have his undivided attention. (Unless you overuse it.)
  6. If your relationship breaks up, other guys will hear not about your sexual status as much as about your willingness to shake up their composure if they say wrong things, and not just about your history. Only guys who want you badly enough will man up, so half of your screening job is done. (Oh, you may miss out on a few dates, but those you do have should be with better quality—or at least more courageous—guys.)
  7. You set the stage for successfully negotiating to your favor just what submission means if you marry him.
  8. Out of those multiple infusions of respect, enduring love can grow. It’s the kind needed to sustain a couple after romantic love fades in a year or two.
  9. Men seek to marry a strong woman. You just made your foundation obvious and the word will spread. More importantly, you just made yourself a more courageous and probably a better woman.
  10. You make a significant investment in turning your relationship into one for the long term.

You accomplished all that by conquering your cautious intuition and mustering your hard-headed courage to put an end to badgering, which you neither deserve nor want to tolerate. Such a strong stand helps prepare you for other strong stands you will need as you pass through this ‘veil of tears’ (in Appalachian lingo).

You will learn from his reactions if he’s Mr. GoodEnough or not, which makes the final result the consequence of your actions.

——

* Instinctive as inherited at birth. Intuitive as from lessons learned in life.

 

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2167. Dating in Mid-life — Part C5: More Personal Planning


First, you have advertise. Then you meet. Then you screen. Then you accept his invitation to date. I suggest you plan what you want and how you will get those things by talking to yourself in the mirror. You will also get to know yourself better, which means more confidence and dedication to your mission of dating anew. Your best friend in the mirror will also help convince you that dating is to find a man worthy of you rather than making yourself worthy and available for even the most gorgeous of men. (There ain’t no Mr. Right until you make him so.)

You are precisely in life today where you have chosen to be. Whoever, whatever, and wherever you are produced the results you see in the mirror. The fact that you seek a date means you need an upgrade. Every gal needs it periodically even if not dating. Makeover? New clothes? New hairdo? More neatness? More feminine? More modesty? More mystery? Less selfish? Less weight? More other-centeredness? More lighthearted persona? More smiles? Reinforced sincerity to prevent using phoniness to get immediate gratification? You’ll figure out what you have to have or just want, if you spend enough time with your reflected best friend.

Perhaps you can or should improve all of the above. The more time you spend at the mirror, the more and better you will figure out just what needs to be done to satisfy you (which never happens anyway except temporarily). Why is it important?

Simultaneously, you will be reinforcing your self-image, your picture of self, which governs how you live your life. We all act according to the picture we have of ourselves. When we ‘fall out of line’, do something out of character for example, we either alibi it to ourselves or others, correct it if we can, or apologize if we should. IOW, we take some action when we fail to stay within the limits set by our self-image of who we are, what we do, and how we live life.

But let’s move on. Stay away from cleavage, exotic, and erotic. You can expect those things will get you invited for dates. But, when a date’s mind gets transfixed on sex first, it doubles the difficulty for you to convert his interest back to your person. If you’re not his primary interest, his actions to please you won’t likely develop into devotion, just commitment for temporary sex.

Sometime, and I suggest at the mirror, you need to specify to yourself just where you stand on values, standards, and expectations to control his behavior. If you don’t expect these things, they will not happen. For example, these should be minimal:

  • You expect to be treated respectfully as person, female, and guest of a presumed gentleman.
  • He must respect your modesty religion, moral standards, and whatever you choose to disclose about family, friends, and self.
  • He can’t touch your erogenous zones if uninvited and you don’t expect invitations to be forthcoming until…? (I suggest after his diamond commitment. Nothing sacred about it, but deep arousal should be delayed as long as it takes him to become devoted to you.)
  • Foul language is unwelcome. (It’s an easy distinguisher to separate you from other women, make you unique among your competitors.)
  • Sex is not a discussable topic unless you mention it. If he brings up the subject of sex, you counter with the subject of marriage. Keep the latter going until he stops the former. The objective being to get off sex rather than stay on marriage. (But, incidentally, if he can’t abide you mentioning marriage, it’s a red flag that he can’t think about it.)
  • Finally, have a few ways of making him uncomfortable when he goes too far for your comfort, or objectives, or intentions, or pledges to yourself. Find other softer ways to say, No ring, no booty.

All of the above enable you to take stands that earn respect simply because you claim them as who you are, and you do it with pride, confidence, and disregard for whether others like it or not.

If you really want to seal the deal of venturing into the dating arena with a stronger and more appealing presence, I suggest that conclusions you make at the mirror be transcribed into a journal. Put in writing what you commit to about yourself, standards, and expectations. For example, what red flags are sufficient to call it off for a man?

Now ladies, I recognize that I have been talking like a man. You all know how to water down my rhetoric and make it more relevant to your condition with less directness and more understanding. Essentially, that applies throughout this mid-life dating series. In the process of being indirect except for offenses that you won’t stand for, you’ll know how to do it better and more polished than I describe it.

 

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2017. Female Blessings at Birth — 25-27


It’s the ninth group and I’m grateful for your responses.

I continue taking the (currently 86) default attitudes for a test drive and your examination. (Bear with me and some confusions I may create for awhile. I’m in the process of renaming Default Attitudes as Female Blessings from Birth.)

Please identify each item by its number and indicate true/false, as you see it. True means that a default item is part of female nature that women inherit at birth. False means that the item is missing completely from your heart or it’s something you learned during life, and so you have no reference point.

Where I explain or add, I could be wrong. Feel free to challenge me.

25. I grieve at the loss of a loved one with this firm conviction lodged in my heart. They would not have wanted me to have a single bad day of life if they thought their departure was the cause. [Guy adds: Recovery from grief arises out of setting new targets in life and forming new habits to hit those targets. You need to do it two ways: 1) Impose new actions on old behaviors such that you develop new habits—e.g., dress neater than you did before, eat less than previously, or fast one day a week in memory, and do it all as tribute. 2) Persuade yourself that your loved one would not disagree with your new habits and might even be pleased with your initiative to honor them. IOW, work off your grief by making yourself feel better about yourself for doing right things made right by you deciding the departed would be pleased with your tribute.]
26. I intuitively sense that ‘commitment’ is of the mind and mouth and not of the heart. I’ve confirmed in life that people—especially men—don’t truly obligate themselves with words as well as they do with deeds. [Guy explains: Actions that symbolize devotion program the human heart with devotion; words about devotion program the heart for sincerity at best but can disguise insincerity at worst. A person’s attitude reveals what likely resides in their heart but only their actions reflect it more accurately than words. Hidden agendas are much harder to disguise with actions than with words. Consequently, the best way to take the measure of a person is to judge from their attitude and character as made obvious by or easily presumed from their actions.]
27. I don’t really expect to get all the affection I crave, but better too little than too much. (My man may be short of providing all the affection I would like, but he provides enough and I’m glad our roles aren’t reversed such that I would be the one accused of giving too little.) [Guy adds: Too much affection shown by a man generates disrespect within the woman; he appears weak and therefore not good enough. Too much affection shown by a woman causes loss of respect by the man; she appears desperate and therefore weak or vice versa.]

Example for your response: “26-F ” works okay to reflect your opinion of false to that one item. Also, comments are welcome and desired if you take exception to anything.

Thank you for your opinions.

 

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1995. Self-gratitude — Her Angelic Presence


She loves others and is grateful for some. She fails to appreciate, love, and be grateful enough for herself. She envies the best in others, but fails to look for and find it in herself. Internal pressures cause it. It seems unfortunate, but it’s not. It’s a natural defense against overextending herself. It prevents female expressions of dominance that can be rightfully claimed by the natural superiority of her sex, but which inevitably run into the superior and thus highly respected physical strength of males. In short, her naturally enforced accommodation with her nature helps bring balance to mating.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love yourself more, but that you should love yourself specifically for your superior qualities and abilities and not your desire to impose your will on others. See the difference? You benefit when your superior spirit and admirable character float in the view of others without demanding they do your bidding. They see your participation in their lives as so routinely important that you’re neither questioned nor challenged. Your presence is enough to cause self-gratitude to grow in the hearts of family members, but the taproot is your own self-gratitude.

Always deserving of more affection than you receive, you’re needful of a strong sense of importance more than affection. You make yourself important and leave to others to sense the need to show you affection. It enables you to live with the A.D.D that afflicts both you and your man. Nevertheless, with almost angelic composure, low expectations for yourself enable you to set and dominate the values, standards, and expectations of home and family. In that lays practical confirmation of the self-gratitude that you can absorb while privately seated before dresser mirror. And therein lays the reason for the poet’s claim, “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.” [William Ross Wallace]

 

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767. Beware Red Flags — Part 3


Her Highness Sara prompted this series asking about identifying Mr. Right. I twisted her question so that we look for identifying Mr. Wrong before a woman goes too far.

A man’s potential for husbanding/fathering can be estimated by objectively and unemotionally evaluating red flags before your eyes. This post cites red flags regarding in-laws. Some flags are raised by marriage whether invited or not.

·        Beware if your candidate’s character, religion, and ambitions were formed significantly different from your parents. If he’s from ‘another world’ or culture, think twice, thrice, or more. (Young couples are very unqualified for evaluating in-law interactions many years in the future. Romantic love may also delay recognizing early problems, but a couple’s life suffers greatly when she finds she later has to take sides.) 

·        The thought of him as son-in-law revolts your parents. Beware if one or both can’t stand him personally. (Don’t think for a moment you can reverse their opinions; they’ll always look for the worst in him. They also will forever suspect your judgments for having brought him permanently into their lives. Anecdotes always cite exceptions, but the odds are small.)

Other red flags are raised as the result of your curiosity and questioning:

·        Have him describe his parents. After meeting them, do you agree?

·        Can you love and do more than just get along with his parents after you’ve spent some time with them? Your intentions don’t count. Especially regarding his mother?

·        He will likely treat you much the same as his father treats his mother. Observe closely. Okay with you?

·        Is his mother overly protective of him? Does she tamper with his intentions or question his decisions? Beware if yes.

·        Has he fully cut mom’s apron strings? Does he have to consult her before making decisions? Double beware if yes.

·        Does his mother show a deep and intrusive interest in HOW you will build your nest, his castle, your relationship? (Don’t expect him to tell her to back off, early or later. Better for you to do it before marriage, and let her reaction raise or lower the red flag.)

·        If he’s not close to his family, he probably doesn’t highly value family connectedness and closeness. It will likely carry over into the family you build with him. Okay with you?

More tips tomorrow.

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