191. Both change after their first intercourse together. He changes for the worse for her; she changes for the better for him. She pays the price, but he gets the reward. 
192. Men do whatever they have to do to have frequent and convenient access to sex. They marry if it’s not available outside of marriage, which makes it very normal for women to avoid premarital sex. 
193. Females are in charge and dominate the unmarried sex scene, until they yield to males and lose some respect and much leverage. 
194. Men marry expecting to dominate the marital sex scene, unless she conquers him for marriage before he conquers her for sex. 
195. The more that boys lose intense ‘battles’ with girls to get sex during adolescence, the more that boys respect females. They learn from being denied that females generally have other things they value, think, feel, need, want, crave, aspire, dream, and pursue and that grown men can respect. 
196. Girls teach boys to respect females or boys never learn to be female friendly except for sex. Consequently, women ‘inherit’ and must deal with whatever their generation of girls turned boys into during the hormone hurricane of adolescence. 
197. Small breasts have great value. Proportionately the erogenous zone is more attractive and more easily attracts a man’s hand to tweaking and pleasing her instead of cupping or playing to please himself. 
198. Large-breast fixation in a man is just adolescence grown older, which makes enlargement self-defeating for women who hope to capture and keep the more mature man. 
199. Living with or chasing women with small breasts signifies the man is more likely to forsake adolescent immaturity and approach sexual activity more maturely. 
200. Women are not ignorant about men, but much of what they know is wrong. They ignore the male nature in favor of expecting what women want to see and hear. With their natural relationship expertise thus weakened, they make mistakes dealing with their man. 
Tag Archives: premarital sex
191. Both change after their first intercourse together. He changes for the worse for her; she changes for the better for him. She pays the price, but he gets the reward. 
Part II at #1872 described how women are far more capable than men to ease the discouraging thoughts that arise between a husband’s desire for sex and wife feeling victimized. Other causes produce similar results.
Let’s look back in time. Let’s imagine a typical couple that ultimately marries. Originally, two conquerors face off. He seeks sex without obligation. She seeks marital commitment and both have big lures to make their case. She has first time sex and the presumption that he’s capable of fulfilling her hopes and dreams. He’s motivated to do what he does best, providing and protecting, in return for frequent and convenient sex. Because her best negotiable is one-time only, she has first dibs. She has two options, yield sex before or after the altar.
1) She yields before marriage and the marital dynamic changes to favor his dominance. She yields to his pressure before she gets what she wants most. He learns how to get his way.
Their first sex together bonds her and toughens her intention to marry, but conquest changes him. It frees his hardhearted nature for other pursuits. Conquest also lessens the importance of her major lure, weakens her influence, and undermines his need to remain committed to her.
To lead him to the altar, she has to rely on adulation and fawning to finish the capture. His primary goal is achieved. He now has little or no reason to search for ways to overcome her resistance to yielding, so he learns little more about what and who she really is. He doesn’t need to know more because he got the most important thing. He learns little of her other qualities simply because he quits looking; his interests wander away from her. His mind diverts because his instinct to conquer has quieted. He sees less reason to marry and damage inflicts his sense of commitment. Most important of all, his devotion to her doesn’t escalate beyond that attained before conquest.
Her major lure is gone; the intensity of his interest declines. Detecting it, she tries harder to keep from losing him. Recognizing her weakened status, she depends on sexual attractions and accommodation; she doesn’t challenge unacceptable behaviors figuring she can correct him after marriage.
After marriage sex is old hat and less interesting to her as tool of getting what she wants. His expecting sex too easily becomes an interruption to her other plans for them. She changes from who she was during courtship days, and he comes to resent it. Her changes move her away from pleasing him; denying or resenting sex seems to have the best effect for making her feel better.
He expects frequent and convenient access to sex. She isn’t as up to it as he expects; their premarital sex makes it less important for her to continue as reliably after marriage. He was captured at the altar and she is now freer to focus and get her way on other matters. Her commitment to sex wanes; she makes him pay a price for his having won the battle of the conquerors, that is, for her having yielded first. (It reminds of Some Other Guy’s comment at #1871, “My divorced men friends joke about how marriage destroyed the good sex that they enjoyed as a non-married couple.”)
2) If conquest comes on the wedding night, then husband sacrificed. He backed off the pressure for sex to please her. He learns in the slowed-down process just what and who she is and the promise she holds for him, which bonds him more closely. Winning her becomes more important than conquest, which converts in marriage to a more accommodating and negotiable sense of male dominance.
Having held him off for so long, her heart retains the importance of sex to him. Every delay in his conquest emphasizes her importance to him, which translates into the best inducement for marriage. She conquers him, shifts from competing to cooperating, and provides sex because he earns and deserves it with all his might; he joined her at the altar with the promise she envisions of brightening her future and fulfilling her hopes and dreams.
Those aren’t the only outcomes. I use them only to describe how their natures interact before learned values, beliefs, and expectations override natural actions and reactions.
Sexual harmony is all about likeable, pleasurable, and compatible attitudes, and two attitudes reflect two hearts. What he earns, he appreciates and earns it by going to the altar. What she obligates herself to do, she expects to deliver with eagerness if not pleasure, and her obligations increase as she parades him from courtship to altar.
A man marries for a woman’s virtue (what men admire) and the promise he sees and anticipates for his bride to brighten his life in parallel with his work and other endeavors. Marriage isn’t part of his nature and vowing commitment for life is a gigantic dedication, an achievement of great significance, a commitment born of prideful and steadfast masculine character—provided she’s truly worth it in his heart of hearts.
From so much effort and commitment, great things are due to him. Bride becomes his, he earns her. Consequently, he owns what she possesses which translates to frequent and convenient access to sex. Given all that he expects in quantity, he’s willing to negotiate on other matters. (If not, he dislikes himself, he’s not Mr. Good Enough, and she should have discovered it during courtship extended for the purpose of uncovering lack of fitness for her.)
One last thought that leads to a wife’s disenchantment in the bedroom. Some women misrepresent themselves to themselves. They sell themselves short by calling Mr. Good Enough their Mr. Right. They start out by expecting their man to be perfect, which automatically dumps them into the role of finding and correcting husband’s faults. They seek to fix him before they learn to tame and domesticate him. It’s the female ego at work.
Men seek frequent and convenient access to sex. If earned at high cost, they marry for the guarantee of it. If given to them at low cost, women don’t receive a decent return on their investment.
Unachieved before marriage, the suspended lure of their first sex together provides time, incentive, and opportunity for men to bond and devote themselves better than any other way—and women are in charge.
Improving the Underdeveloped Male Heart
My writing partner on this subseries suggested this post about what women can do when they run into or end up with a man with an underdeveloped heart. That is, a boy raised by an overly loving but unlovable mother. He displays several or most of these symptoms and perhaps some or many other traits disliked by females:
- He consistently appears selfish, extreme self-centered and/or narcissistic.
- He frequently displays an impatient, angry, ill-tempered, and perhaps explosive character.
- He commits with words easy to escape from; he won’t devote to someone else with any but the simplest actions.
- He expects recognition and rewards for inconsequential achievements.
- He demands to be respected when he doesn’t get his way.
- He repeatedly reveals a weak sense of personal responsibility.
- He has pulled emotionally away from his childhood family, especially his mother.
- Unable to socialize well, he withdraws further when pressure mounts for togetherness or extensive socializing with other than old buddies.
Teen girls are first to encounter such a guy. Unless they find infatuation at first sight, they spotlight his unattractive character. They show signs they don’t approve of him as a person, much less as a potential boyfriend. It confirms his sense of unworthiness, which prevents further heart-development. Girls help a little when they treat him just as they treat mainstream boys. The more open, friendly, and admiring girls are to him, the more likely his heart-development will continue to improve. [My series Boot Camp for Girls in the CONTENTS page offers many other techniques and practices for girls that help in their process of taming boys for domestic life.]
Single women are not so quickly turned off by a man sporting an underdeveloped heart. They have a hope and a belief. They hope for marriage and believe they can change for the good whomever they marry. However, both the hope and belief are wrapped by sex. Withholding of premarital sex promotes a lasting marriage and enables a woman to lay the foundation for changing her husband. Unwrapping sex by uncrossing her legs to the underdeveloped heart makes the guy see that he’s adequate if not perfect, good enough for her, and he sees no need to change or otherwise please her further. Thus, the promise she holds as his wife weakens and her belief she can change him disappears without her being aware of it.
Wives have greater hope, ability, and time to reinforce their belief they can change husband for the good. She starts by ignoring each and every one of his underdeveloped heart faults. She married for better or worse, and it positions her to coach him into adopting habits of her choosing. It’s all a matter of indirectness, affirmation, and seed planting. Only wife can figure out how to improve him, but she can only do it if she avoids things that turn off husbands. She does best who capitalizes on ways that favor the male psyche:
- She finds ways to convert her negative feelings about his actions into some kind of affirmation of him, her, or them. Men want to please their woman, but they don’t know when, what, why, and how something works. So, not understanding the full picture, they tend to not try.
- She doesn’t complain about him for anything. She doesn’t accuse. Instead, she smiles and swallows the pain in hope of brighter days ahead.
- She doesn’t explain herself. If she longs for something, she explains as little as possible and leaves him to digest her disappointment if he fails to do his part. If accused, she smiles and swallows the pain in hope of brighter days ahead.
- She learns to distinguish what he considers his duty from other accomplishments. She recognizes with a smile his fulfilling of duty. She finds a reward, however insignificant, for those things he considers an accomplishment. For example, a duty may be mowing the lawn. He deserves a reward for his having her car serviced at low cost or washed unexpectedly for her, perhaps a just-baked brownie snack wrapped in her charming smiles. (His learning by actions what pleases her is far better than her telling him.)
Modern women have been indoctrinated to believe they shouldn’t be so acquiescent to husband’s faults and unappealing behaviors. It’s a good reason behind so many divorces. Women are the relationship experts; marital success depends on them, whether they can acknowledge or stand for it.
More reader wit, wisdom, and wisecracks appear below.
“I kept a diary thru my pre-teen and teenage years and as I reflect, those were the most self-respecting years of my life…seems counter-intuitive but it is true.” [Jessica at 1103]
“And, sadly, both men and women tend to sabotage their (potential) future together by trying to get what they want without having earned it, without having built the foundation on which it can stand (or cultivated the garden in which it can grow). The most common cause of this failure is pre-marital sex.” [Ilion at 1102]
“Grind those men and sift their character! XD” [Simplicity Evermore at 1104]
“What fun I’ve had watching the façade the alpha types put up crumble.” [Gonemaverick at 1114.1]
“Both [Christian] men and women are called to be intensely giving and selfless. The difference is where the giving and selflessness is aimed. Women are oriented towards the personal and relational, and their giving is generally aimed at the individual. They nurture and support people in need. Men are more oriented towards the objective—i.e., the world of rules and ideas. They work diligently in the pursuit of knowledge and justice.” [Violet at 1104]
“Today [young girls] watch “Tangled” [new movie] and tomorrow when they find no answers in popular culture, they will come to your website to become “Untangled” [Marianne at 1114.1]
- “Approval seeking isn’t attractive behavior – men are doing us a favor by ignoring it. It kills our mystery.” (LB from 718)
- “[T]o be shown respect I must show respect.” (Keith at Author page)
- “I dated and married him before I was a Christian, and had premarital sex with him, so I don’t believe he ever respected me. In fact, he never trusted me even though I was faithful to our marriage. Funny how that works.” (Princess Princess at 708)
- “I don’t know who wrote it, but I love this quote and believe it may also answer [Sunny’s] question: ‘A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.’” (Sharon at 719 and I use it elsewhere)
- [N]o matter how hard things got financially I couldn’t leave my babies.…My husband’s job was to make the living and mine was (and is) to make life worth living and I didn’t wait for him to make the living to make a joyful, welcoming home for him and our children. (Jill F. at 746)
- And when a woman is happy and contented rather than stressed and overworked, the family will be happier, in spite of the lack of luxuries… (Ladylike at 757)
Cheap sex to males means no permanent obligations. The easier the conquest and escape, the cheaper the sex.
· Cheap sex turns mature men into teen-minded boys. The things women consider vital have much less value to adolescents—personal responsibility, faithfulness, marriage, family, dependability, truthful promises of commitment, reliable pledges of devotion, adherence to vows.
· By cheapening sex, women cheapen themselves. Relatively, this makes males more powerful, dominant, independent and, therefore, valuable in society.
· Males made more valuable force women to compete with each other, to make themselves more worthy for men. Hunks profit from quiet patience, as women fight over them. This reverses the natural way of men competing and making themselves worthy of a woman.
· Sex outside of marriage gets ever cheaper as men grow more dominant relative to women. More eager to look elsewhere even when committed to someone.
· Unmarried sex doesn’t provide what men naturally seek in a woman—if he’s to be permanent in her life. So, he has little sense of permanency. This makes him unreliable for faithfulness to her.
In the final analysis, men do whatever women require for frequent and convenient access to sex. And, unmarrried sex requires no loss of independence.
[More about high costs of cheap sex appears in posts 284, 226, 207, 190, 171, 161, 149, 138, 99, 84, 39, and 2. Scroll down or search by the number with dot and space following.]
The female mindset: Women worry about three phases of sex: foreplay, intercourse, and intimacy afterward. Men don’t.
· Adolescent male nature: Intercourse is just intercourse. Foreplay should be unnecessary but can be fun. Intimacy interferes with recovery. Who’s next?
· Mature male nature: Certain emotional involvements—such as respect and affection for her—add meaning and necessity to a man’s foreplay and intimacy. Her likeability adds too, but her attractiveness does not. (Attractiveness inspires the chase, but its emotional involvement fades after foreplay.)
A man’s sense of responsibility, significance, and permanence with his partner add considerations and connectedness that she appreciates. But his devotion makes him far more receptive to fulfilling her needs, especially after romantic love fades in a year or two.
The male mindset: Men are hormonally loaded to conquer attractive women. They plan around and worry about three things different than females: pre-conquest, post-conquest, and avoiding loss of their independence to hunt and conquer.
Of course, some men plan for and seek marriage. Being devoted to marriage is not the same as devoted to her, so she still has worries about his foreplay, intimacy, and even permanence.
For more on the male mindset, see the Content page at the top for this series. Also try Do women know jack about Jack?