2785. Virtue vs. Virtuous to Marry

A battle over virtual virginity heated between two readers, while I was away from my battle station and command post. I don’t want to stop disagreements, just define some terms more thoroughly as used in this blog built on how both sexes are motivated to react to one another.

The sexes differ at birth and are motivated to react to each other.

• Virtue — Any quality in a woman that a man admires. A stimulation that helps motivate him to live with commitment to her and her other virtues. As used explaining human interaction, virtue is a stimulator and motivator. (Thus, virginity is neither virtue nor the only virtue except as each man decides it for himself.)
• Virtuous woman — She’s thought to be virtuous only when he sees enough virtues to consider her good enough to marry. It’s one man’s independent decision.
• Virtuous man — Each woman identifies her version of each man’s qualities that makes him worthy of her. Contrary to the position that women often take, the female nature doesn’t motivate women to marry virtuous men. Women marry to ‘inherit’ other attributes they value more highly than personal qualities; e.g., material possessions, dominant leadership traits, confessions of love and affection, apparent sexiness, or only man available and willing to marry.
• Man-whore — Few men receive money for sexual favors. Promiscuous is more accurate for the sake of de-emotionalizing arguments. Even so, it appears that men seek wives with sexual inexperience and wives disregard the previous experience of husbands. Proof is rooted in sex differences at birth and history through the ages.
• Player — Some guys copy the female hard-to-get technique and use it on women made vulnerable by feminist propaganda. It’s the more modern and accurate term for what women call man-whore. He’s after sex for the sake of sex, fooling women into yielding without his committing, not really interested in his targets for very long, and typically adultolescent in other behaviors.

All the above is prompted by small differences I have with two readers. One claims women want to marry virtuous man. Yes, perhaps, but it’s not a barn burning motivation to do so. What is a virtuous man; he’s much more than someone who foregoes sex before marriage. Too many other things in female life take priority over their ‘want.’

A man claims “only true virginity (outside of a few exceptions) makes a woman worthy of pursuit.” According to the male nature, this is more accurate. The closer to virginity she is or appears to be, the more worthy of his pursuit; the farther away the more discouraging.

I added those terms to the blog glossary at the Home menu.

2784. Well-liked Article (#51 posted in January 2008)

Regardless of her sexual history, virtual virginity is the strategy of acting virginal sufficiently close enough that it enables a woman to uncover what a man is really after—conquest, conquer and dump, frequent and convenient sex, or her above all else.

Virtual virginity means to the Dating Man either (1) he’s not good enough for her, (2) he’s not good enough yet, or (3) she has religious, moral, or other reasons for not yielding. All three reasons present challenges to draw him back to her. If he’s just after sex instead of her, he’ll find a way to dump her shortly.

Thus, a virtual virgin produces dump-before-sex, which is better than dump-after-sex for four reasons: (a) She wins by making ineffective his camouflaged, disingenuous, and perhaps dishonest motivation. (b) She won’t have him lingering in her closet of forgotten sex partners who were never worth her anyway. (c) She can slam him into the ‘Thank God’ corner of her memory bank. (d) She doesn’t have to explain him to a future husband.

Provided he’s after her instead of just conquest, a virtual virgin forces him to more patiently look for her weaknesses that might enable conquest. In the process, over time, he learns by absorption about her strengths, qualities, and potential for wifehood. What he admires is a virtue and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. So, the longer he looks for weaknesses, the more he sees of her and her accumulating virtues. Her magnetism grows as he fails to get what he wants.

Once she yields, however, he quits looking for weaknesses. Consequently, he fails to recognize and learn to appreciate more of her non-sexual assets. That is, after conquest, he quits looking so hard at what all she has to offer him.

Virtual virginity makes a female unique and highly worthy of pursuit. Conquest makes him the competitive superior to other men, and the greater her perceived worth as chaste, the more eagerly he bends to her expectations—provided his pursuit is hampered by her refusals for a lengthy time. That is, she adds value to herself by being more insistent about dedicating herself to something or someone higher than she. (To save herself for husband weakens hope and scares off present dates; to save herself for another man opens more doors for him to argue her down off her pedestal.)

Feminists claim men should not be that way, and they try politically to change the male nature. Male behavior changes long enough to conquer another woman, but masculinity eventually trumps both politics and female wishful thinking. Individual women pay the price by losing a man they hope to keep or find out more about him.

A man’s natural pursuit of other females does not stop until one woman so captures his respect and captivates his imagination that he devotes himself to her alone. Virtual virginity provides the best strategy for winning this battle of the sexes.

All the above begs the question about acting virginal after a previous marriage. Not to worry. It’s not the virginal condition that holds a man’s interest, it’s how many guys got there before him that turns a man off? Who were they? Will I meet them someday and not know about it? It’s not the vagina that wears out. A large number of lovers wear her out for staying with just one. Thus, a previous marriage is usually no issue.

2768. Avoid Being Dumped (repost of 2129)

Given the expansion of female sexual freedom even into the community of prepubescent girls, this three year old article might seem OBE, overtaken by events. Doesn’t seem to matter whether gals put out or not, however, they still get dumped with nauseating regularity.

At post 1343 Her Highness Mia inquired “How can we avoid falling into the same trap over and over again … of getting dumped….” Gaining a man’s devotion and learning to keep it is the only insurance against being dropped kicked into misery.

Caution: A strategic plan follows. I have idealized how to earn a man’s devotion. Life isn’t that simple, however. Also, no plan works as written. You have to figure out what and how the principles of the plan can work in your life with your prospects. Relevant blog articles are cited, underscored, and listed in the CONTENT page.

A man interested in you will see you in two lights, sexual and emotional attractiveness. He will tend to stay focused on the sexual. Your job is to develop and keep emotional connections alive and well while he learns to see greater merit in you than just conquest.

• Be yourself. Be honest and truthful with yourself. Avoid all phoniness regardless of what you think is happening. Be up front, blunt, and candid with him. He will appreciate it. (But not totally candid and exceptions of what NOT to disclose are described below. Definitions used here: Honesty means accuracy. Candid means full disclosure.) [HardToGet Tops Full Disclosure!]
• You’re the buyer, he’s the seller. Buyers don’t have to buy right away. He acts, you respond. You don’t initiate, he does. He works to please you. You respond to please him, but you don’t go out of your way. Reward him, however, for going out of his way for you.
• If you can’t admire him for who he is and what he does, then you won’t be able to respect and be grateful for him. In that case, he won’t qualify as Mr. Good Enough unless you lower your values, standards, and expectations, which I urge you not to do. Better to drop him early rather than later. [Five articles listed in CONTENTS with Good Enough in the title.]
• Always dress modestly and your gorgeous best when he’s anywhere near. [Boob Language in 25 parts] Smile a lot and especially at and with him. Show a lot of humor but not faked. Forget any purposeful sexual attractiveness. You can’t be extraordinary, if you dress, act, and look ordinary—and sexual attractiveness is now pretty ordinary.
• He never sees you excited with or about him. Stay calm; he’s just another guy but one of sufficient interest to perhaps be worthy of you. Emotions you reveal can be used against you and probably will be—not dishonestly either—but to facilitate conquest. Full disclosure is out and sexual history—including virgin status yes or no—is your business and none of his. [Virgin? Keep It Secret! in 2 parts; Her Sexual History in 10 parts.]
• Have moral, religious, and personal reasons for not having sex. Don’t explain yourself, however. You are just that way. You are living up to someone or biblical values or principles higher than you. Don’t use phrasing such as you’re saving yourself for husband, etc. You’re celibate simply because your conscience says to stay that way. The more you explain, the more ammo you give him to persuade you otherwise. [Virtual Virginity in 24 parts]
• Forget trying to convince him of your love, or love conquers all, or whatever else your female mind can conceive as beneficial of love. It may not be meaningless to him, but it won’t carry the day, won’t convince him of much. Love just isn’t that important to how a man views his future with a mate. He sees your love in the respect/appreciation/gratitude you show—actions more than words—for who he is and what he does. [Love vs. Respect in 5 parts; Sex Diff. Redux Parts 18 through 28]
• DON’T gift him with the expectation that it will gain you favor. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so you gain nothing at considerable cost. Give simple and inexpensive birthday, Christmas, and especially Valentine gifts. He doesn’t rate Valentine’s Day nearly as high or important as you. How he gifts you, however, tells you a lot. Don’t cook for him except as reward for some special favor he’s done. (Should you marry, you want your cooking to reward him for providing/protecting and not his expecting it for just being the man you love.)
• Be patient. You need many months to allow time for a good man to change to meet your expectations. And, he has to do it mostly at his own motivation and time; your role is secondary. First, he downgrades his primary interest in conquest to include stronger interest in you. Then, he expresses his commitment with words that brighten your future. Then, he morphs into a state of devotion clearly exhibited by his actions to please himself just for wanting to please you. Then, he finds himself deeply devoted, and it shifts his focus to the promise you hold for his life and ambition. Somewhere along that process, his devotion to you shifts conquest into second place on his priority list. (You go wrong to try to influence or expedite that process. So, be patient, yourself, pleasant, and likeable in his presence. Take your complaints and worries to the Lord—but not girlfriends or family.)
• Practice the art of thanking a man without saying thank you. See article Men are Never More Handsome….
• DON’T pay or split pay for dates. If he won’t, he’s not good enough. If he can’t, let him treat you at Taco Bell. How he handles money promises what your future will be like with him. (Men don’t change, remember?) [Single Women Don’t Pay in 3 parts]
• Don’t bug him to call, text, or speak of his love. He takes it as invitation to change and men don’t change for a woman—except as each one becomes devoted through his own motivation and action.
• Use indirectness to get what you want. Seed planting, hints, questions, and weakly worded suggestions. Neither describe nor ask for your expectations to be fulfilled. What he figures out impresses him much more than what you describe or request. [Her Indirectness Overpowers Directness]
• Don’t complain about him or his habits. If unsuitable for your future, drop him. (If you accept undesirable habits now, you in effect are saying you can live with them. When you mention them after marriage, you give him incentive to dump you. You deceived him; he married a phony because he was okay before the altar.)
• There is no Mr. Right and it should take months for him to prove to you that he’s even Mr. Good Enough. Convince yourself and reflect this attitude: He’s not REALLY good enough FOR YOU but you’re willing to spend time with him for the enjoyment that the two of you have together. Just to see what happens. You might make good friends someday; he’s worth that as long as he’s nice and kind. Don’t try to manipulate, just find ways to keep his interest up for many months. It won’t be easy either but necessary for his focus to shift to putting your interest first and ahead of sex. [Six articles with “Mr. Right” in the title.]
• Don’t let him hear you complain; you’re already a winner so you don’t want him involved with the complaint side of your life—at least not yet. Recall this adage? If you smile then he’s okay. If you complain then he’s at fault.

He will press you to find weaknesses to get you into bed. You need months to delay bedtime together while he discovers qualities in you that he can admire. They become virtues to him. Enough virtues and you become fascinating to him. You need more months for him to see promise in you as mate to supplement his life and ambition. After that, perhaps, a proposal.[Men Self-talk their Way to the Altar]

2617. When Shack-up Ain’t Enough — I

Situation: Thirtysomething couple shacked up for decade or so. She still doesn’t know if she is keeper or booty. The record seems to show the latter by his lack of interest in the former. She senses pressure to marry or get out, but she loves him dearly.

Problem: Her father seldom sees her. But he gets angrier, and keeps himself and her mother in a dither. He keeps fussing that he should apply pressure on her to move out or her partner to marry her.

Problem: She has started having anxiety attacks. Perhaps sensing father’s or other pressures, something pushes against her reluctance to put demands on her partner. They’ve been too good together, and she can’t stand the thought of doing without him.

Fact: Her partner is respected and well liked by all the family. Except he seems to have little interest in doing what’s right for daughter, as others determine what’s right.

Assumption: All parties hope to see the couple marry and hope that it lasts forever. Although partner’s hopes are unknown, he seems to favor remaining together.

Options: There are five options designed to encourage the couple to wed but the first four lack glue to hold them together for life. 1) Father initiates discussion/expectation with daughter, or 2) with her partner. 3) Daughter initiates discussion/expectation with partner. Or, 4) no one initiates discussion and they continue as they are living together now.

With option 5), however, daughter decides to act on her own initiative, without regard or discussion with others, and without regard for the outcome. She wants to be a better woman for herself. Although chanciest for the present, out of this option grows the greatest chance for lifetime marriage. Only her partner can figure out what’s best for him and make it last.

Option 1 and 2. Father initiates discussion/expectation with daughter or partner. His third party interference almost guarantees lack of marital success, either soon or lifetime. He immediately becomes a competitor of her partner, or pushes daughter into that role. Men don’t easily succumb to an outsider’s pressure into their territory. Partner also blames her and competition arises between the partners. Men don’t lose such battles and retain their self-respect. Even if he agrees and marries her, he’s likely bound up in regret, internal resistance, or even some bitterness. She will likely pay a big price someday, someway.

Option 3. Daughter tries to talk partner into marriage with sweetness and psychic need. Failing to get her way, she likely and eventually feels desperate and turns to threats—probably to depart their living arrangement. Unless he is so devoted to her and marriage that he wants to immediately make her feel better and assuage her negatives without regard for the price he pays, he will probably fight back. She has initiated competition to directly tell him how to live rather than use the indirect technique by which women successfully get their man to fulfill womanly wishes.

Men are highly unwilling to compete with their woman. They can fear losing to her more than actually losing her. Men so adroitly and clearly avoid competition with a woman; fear of losing exists in the male nature.

If he takes her pressure as competition, she will probably lose in the end. Most likely, he will resist while awaiting arguments to put against hers, resent her as she more assertively pushes forward on her agenda, and retaliate against any threats she puts in his face. Or, perhaps he might propose, marry her, and then hold it against her for however long they remain together. It’s another way that men avoid losing. If apparently forced to give in today, men plan to recover or retaliate later if not sooner.

Option 4. The couple continues with their present shack up arrangement and agreements. She spends her days in disappointment both to herself and her father. If anxiety attacks are caused by super disappointments already in her heart, they will probably worsen. Depression will likely set in if not already existing. Action cures depression, but by making no changes in their arrangement, she takes no action and opens the door for depression.

Option 5. Daughter changes her life by adopting a new set of values, standards, and expectations. She needs no one’s permission, only her determination to do what’s right for her.

Not married, she lives in sin, and it’s no longer acceptable. She goes celibate. She withdraws from sexual relations. She does not move out but practices virtual virginity while still living with him, and her reasons are multiple.

She revises her lifestyle to live up to higher quality expectations for herself. She seeks to feel better about herself, to respect herself more, to amplify her life with values that earn greater self-respect, self-admiration, self-importance, and self-gratitude for who she is and can become as a wife. She expects to also satisfy the less earthy and more respectable expectations of herself, parents, God, morality, and biblical teachings. IOW, she makes herself a better woman according to the proclamations and expectations of herself amid those she respects as more wonderful than herself. Good wifeing requires a stronger mind and heart.

Nothing against her partner, it’s all about her. If he finds fault, it is hers. If he condemns her—he has the shack up privilege if not the marital right—but it’s her life. If he considers her unqualified for his life, so be it. If he can live without her in his life, then they are not compatible enough anyway.

She releases him. The choice is his to do with his life whatever appeals to him. She decides that she would rather be true to herself as a good wifely prospect, than live in sin with an old friend such as he and even amid all the blessings she inherits living with him.

He’s a very good man for her, but she has to become a better woman. If she can’t live with herself, she can’t do what she expects to do with whatever husband with whom she ends up.

If he wishes to start over and win her for himself, she’s not against it. However, she’s smart if she doesn’t tell him, but lets him figure out by himself just exactly how he should proceed.

If he proposes, she wins. If he doesn’t, he was never good enough, and she wins by wasting no more time trying to morph him into Mr. Right.

2264. Compatibility Axioms #881-890

881. On separation or divorce, the key issue isn’t love but respect. Any successful recovery depends on his learning to respect her more than before, which means she has to earn respect she didn’t have before.

882. Her strategy of virtual virginity shifts and keeps all his attention focused on her. Automatically, it puts the man in his natural role of proving himself worthy of her.  [294]

883. Virtual virginity gives a woman time to impose her values and blend her relationship into a joint effort, because he’s willing to listen as he searches for her weaknesses to facilitate conquest. Ditto for an ex trying to reunite. [294]

884. If they separate or divorce and she wants him back, only virtual virginity works to her advantage. If they have sex anytime for any reason, he will not change and she will not earn more respect. [294]

885. Dealing with a separated or divorced ex, virtual virginity sets them up such that he has to conquer her again. Men will change to earn conquest but conqueror’s right stops further change.

886. If he really, truly, emphatically wants back his ex, he will change into a different man if she refuses sex until remarriage. Otherwise, he will just plead with wordy promises without changing himself to meet her expectations. [294]

887. Conquering a virgin is the ultimate, but not as women think. He’s first among his buds. It pads both ego and bragging rights.

888. This springs from adolescent thinking: If he conquers a true virgin superstar, his significance among peers skyrockets. First for conquest, second for having the independence to dump her. [294]

889. To the smarter woman, Mr. GoodEnough still isn’t good enough. She should not be convinced that he’s worthy of her until the honeymoon. Only then should she stop competing with him.

890. It’s relationship maintenance gone awry; blame or expect him to resolve whatever ails their two-way relationship. This doesn’t mean that he’s not due some blame, just that treating him as such is counterproductive. [298]

2263. Compatibility Axioms #871-880

871. The hotter the man, the more victims he leaves in his trail. But don’t blame him. More women try to please him without his having interest in them. [292]

872. As we observe today, masculine looks are very important to women, which causes manly character to deteriorate from lack of feminine appreciation, which causes marriage to deteriorate from lack of strong, character-reinforced, masculine fidelity.

873. The more a woman rejects the hunk, the harder he tries to win her. When he convinces her that he’s as special as he thinks—that is, she goes along to get along—she primes herself to be dumped. [292]

874. If she hopes to marry for life, even the hottest or richest guy should not qualify as good enough for her until they finish the ceremony at the altar.

875. Women are the relationship experts. To men changing partners is far simpler, easier, and more inviting than so-called relationship maintenance. [292]

876. Regarding women, a man doesn’t like or want to deal with the unfamiliar. His reticence or hesitancy promotes the woman to the dominant role.

877. Couples succeed as a couple primarily through her efforts, or she chose the wrong man. [292]

878. Men obligate themselves broader and deeper when sex is not cheap. [292]

879. Even though previously married, virtual virginity success lies with her friendly feminine charm and persistent refusal to have unmarried sex. If he won’t honor her wishes or forces himself on her, he’ll be worse after conquest, during shack up, and even after marriage. [294]

880. His ‘conqueror’s rights’ emerge after their first sex together. It’s as natural as her succumbing to his charm or looks. [294]

2260. Compatibility Axioms #841-850

841. When husband on his own senses that wife has an unresolved problem, his problem solving persona emerges. He wants to uncover it and help. But it may be a long time if ever before he detects she even has a problem. The female nature enables wife to help him sense it on his own. [286]

842. Her patience and soft-heartedness and respect and gratefulness for who he is and what he does show her understanding of him, just as he expects to see it. He’s much less likely to take offense about subjects sensitive to him. [286]

843. Devotion to her makes him want to pay attention and sometimes lavish affection on her. Thus, more devotion makes him more open to her wants, needs, and desires.  [286]

844. He expects frequent and convenient access to sex after yielding his independence for marriage. This may or may not make him devoted to pleasing her as she would like. Devotion arises outside the sexual arena. [286]

845. We can easily recognize that men should be more considerate of a woman’s sexual wants, needs, and desires. However, being married can interfere unless she accepts responsibility for sexual compatibility. [286]

846. The more she likes herself as a female, the more outwardly dominant she can permit a man to be, because of high confidence about ultimately getting him to accept her way about her needs, wants, and desires in their life together. [288]

847. Right doesn’t just arrive in her life. She turns the husband in her life into the right man, and the process lasts as long as he remains devoted to her. She adjusts their life together until they both age gracefully with him as her Mr. Right. [288]

848. Successful courtships belong to predominately hard-headed women who patiently and indirectly integrate two diverse interests into a bright future together. Virtual virginity best holds his attention, while she works the romance/affection scene into his habit and her advantage. [288]

849. In courtship it pays for her to have high regard for and associate with many other people—not necessarily dating though. He should not win her heart and mind completely until after they marry. The stick while courting, the carrot after marriage. [288]

850. Men grow their love for a woman from light-hearted feelings that he stumbles into—she’s attractive, fun, likeable, very respectable—and he slowly becomes magnetized by her other qualities. Such as Her Jewels as defined in article 59:

♥ Physical attractiveness marvelously enhanced by affordable attire and classy grooming.

♥ Sexual attractiveness enhanced by modest coverings to reinforce that other men are forbidden.

♥ Gentleness provided out of patience.

♥ Forgetfulness that follows forgiveness.

♥ Thoughtfulness that her mate deserves.

♥ Gratefulness for her man that shines as her being happy when he’s around.

♥ Submissiveness as her spirit of cooperation.

♥ Happiness that spreads infectiously.

♥ Joyfulness that inspires greater hope.

♥ Chasteness promised to him by modest display of breasts, rump, and legs.

♥ Generousness that smashes selfishness out of their lives.

♥ Delightfulness that makes him smile.

♥ Perpetual smiling countenance that shapes his comfort zone.

♥ Unselfishness that spreads as example for all.

♥ Neatness that inspires others.

♥ Goodness that sets a shining example.

♥ Faithfulness that inspires him to follow suit.

NOTE: Those qualities are born into the female nature, but most women are too busy, ego-stricken, or politically propagandized to use them. Of course her man may not be worth such effort, but it’s her jewels that make him the right man. It’s her behavior that makes him good, bad, indifferent, inadequate, or whatever, provided she didn’t mate up with a hopeless case to begin with.

2258. Compatibility Axioms #821-830

821. He’s never eager to admit fault about his sexual prowess. Nor should he be excused, but she ventures onto rocky terrain when she brings it up. [281]

822. Commitment to a relationship does not mean she’s cherished. Neither does commitment energize a man the same way or extent that devotion does. Devotion begins cherishment; the more he devotes himself to her over his interests enables cherishment to grow. [281]

823. Men can be changed slowly but don’t always expect success. They dig in their heels when not done with the respect they expect and the indirectness and patience that makes her seem to defer to him. [281]

824. Men may be insensitive clods to women. But they consider their manly sexual expertise and boudoir manner to be exceptional if not extraordinary. To them, it makes up for their shortcomings.[281]

825. Virtual virginity works better than bed-testing before marriage. It conditions his thinking that she’s highly sensitive and possessive about what she expects of him. [281]

826. Women make unmarried sex so easy that men don’t have to pay attention to her needs, drives, and desires. But doubts arise about her history and worth for marriage, if she’s too easily conquered. [281]

827. What one generation allows, the next practices. [284]

828. Living by high moral standards reinforces a girl or woman as right, proper, and courageous. Not living that way makes her easy prey for abuse by boys and men. [284]

829. If she’s easy with sex, she’s of doubtful quality to the Marrying Man. [284]

830. Morality serves women and children much more than men. Highly moral cultural values apply pressure on everyone to make society more female friendly. [284]