2256. Interface of Natural Love: Compatibility and Mutual-interest

To describe a couple’s love requires that it be examined in three stages: foundation, two personalities, and individual self-interests.

1. The foundation is how they are born differently and then come together. That natural interface is described in the previous article (2255).
2. Rising above that foundation, two personalities must be compatible at the start or made so as their relationship develops. “Made so” implies that someone has to change in order to adjust enough to mix masculine competition and feminine cooperation into a workable solution. Men will change before conquest in order to capture a woman if she is more important to him than just for sex.

After conquest, however, instinctive male nature prevents conquerors from changing to please the conquered. So, each woman faces the frustrations of managing her sexual assets in such a way that enables her to integrate two diverse personalities into compatibility.

Moreover, women are blessed with sufficient ability. At birth they inherit an adjustable ability that enables them to achieve what they are after. Management traits of patience and flexibility that men lack (for dealing with women, that is) enable decisions wiser than his when she’s choosing a mate.

Simply by managing how competition about conquest morphs into cooperation without conquest, women can bring forth the blossoms of love in relationship development. The only requirement is that he pursues her for sex and she refuses until he meets her expectations for sufficient devotion to her above others. Without her love of him and his devotion to her, there’s not enough meat to share on the compatibility platter.

If she doesn’t ensure before conquest that he obligates himself to fulfill her expectations, then he assumes no responsibility toward or for her well-being. It torpedoes her ship, because the character, strength, and dependability of men is founded on personal obligation to fulfill whatever they consider their responsibility. IOW, making herself his responsibility is the essence of marital love, compatibility, and—up next—mutual-interest.

3. Self-interest motivates everyone. Unless forced, people don’t violate it. Unless charmed by a good woman, men don’t yield their self-interest to hers. Unless passionate about marrying a particular man, women don’t yield theirs either.

Integrating two very diverse self-interests into mutual-interest is the work of woman. Only she has the interest, traits, and ability to merge such opposing and tremendously personal ‘belongings’. The ingredients that drive self-interest—e.g., tightwad, promiscuous, responsible, fearful, integrity, passionate, ungrateful, selfish, courageous, stubborn, irresponsible—are owned and difficult to part with in order to accommodate someone else’s ingredients that might destroy or infringe on yours.

Integrating two individual self-interests into one synergistic mutual-interest requires monumental and continuous effort. It’s a—and perhaps the—major reason women are so well prepared for it. And men are not.

God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize man and women differently and they face love at the interface described at 2255. After they meet, just about everything else that has to be done is accomplished by the woman. She integrates their personalities into compatibility and self-interests into mutual-interest. Thus, she earns her man’s respect by achieving marital success, which solidifies his love because respect is the foundation of it.

2172. Mid-life Dating — C7: Her Sexual Past

NOTE: During proof reading this sounded like an alibi for men. Not intended. I labor for truth and clarity and hope my writing confirms each.

Men don’t respect others until they earn it. Women lay the foundation for earning  masculine respect through usage of their sexual assets.

The male psyche is guided, albeit unattractively to women, by this conviction. Respect for females begins with respect for how they handle their sexual assets. It’s not the only but most important female behavior that impacts respect early in relationships.

The conviction is stimulated by the male primal drive to compete with Nature and men and to shape human events. Every discouraged conquest means a competitor failed, which adds respect for her. Every conquest means a competitor succeeded, which reduces respect for her. Marriage provides the only exception, because a husband earns his conquest; it wasn’t given to him.

The fewer her experiences and closer to virginity, the more respect is due a woman. His sense of significance is partially based on his ability and success of beating out his competitors for conquest or nearest thing to it. Men mostly fear insignificance. Discovering their woman to have been promiscuous activates those fears, and spikes his interest in restoring his significance, which could be at considerable cost to her.

Consequently, men have an insatiable appetite to know their woman’s sexual past. However, the more details they hear about, the more details they want. It becomes ‘not enough’ once she starts to reveal her history. As she describes whoever and whatever preceded him, his curiosity grows to determine how many, meaningful, lovingly, and legal were her experiences.

He’s really in pursuit—however clouded by disguised intentions—of how his performance ranks in her mind and heart relative to his predecessors. He starts from the conviction that he’s by far the best lover, and so every revelation of hers that enables him to think otherwise sinks their marital ship just a little deeper in the waters of separation. A man can’t live very long with the thought that his woman thinks more of another man’s sexual abilities. He can even be jealous of a dead husband.

Modern women have had enough sex partners that it clouds future relationships. A woman’s next man wants certain reassurances that flow from knowledge about her past. She may provide it, she may withhold it, or he may find out from others.

Political activists and political correctioneers declare it unfair. Her sexual history is none of his business. However, modern sex practices change the dynamic of what’s best for each woman with each man.

Her man wants to know her past. He knows she’s been active. So, he probes until she reveals the details. Even counselors preach mutual candidness. That does not make it good, only acceptable to continue whatever relationship they have.

Advantage accrues to her, if she can keep her sexual history secret or as nearly so as possible. The less he knows, the less he can judge her in jealous or other incidents. The fewer the details, the fewer the thoughts that energize more inquiry. The less he knows, the less he can use against her in future squabbles.

The more he knows, the more likely he will make her pay some price for her past. She may never know or understand what’s happening. Yet, her man may strike back because of her earlier sexual events. It takes very little for reminders of her past to grow into self-generated humiliation for him. Her history affects his sense of significance, whether she knows it or not, accepts it or not. And he’s always eager to restore any loss to his sense of significance; saving face, as it were, by blaming her. 

 

2111. Little White Lies

This subject deserves an article, so I expand on concerns triggered by Her Highness Prettybeans at 2109. It’s about the merit or demerit of females when they use little white lies to improve or protect the feelings of loved ones. It’s described as part of the female nature in #94 in the list of Female Blessings at Birth at blog top.

Prettybeans triggered a new vision of both sex differences and an ethical conundrum. I throw out the following analysis to invite dialogue and help women figure out their own lives a little better.

• Men deal more in facts, women more in feelings. Facts expressed at least cause paper cuts in relationships. Paper cuts hurt but can be prevented with little white lies, about which women are experts.
• The female conscience seems more sensitive because women are more prone to guilt than men. Honesty and dishonesty to men aren’t gray issues. But they are to women as are so many other things where feelings dominate.
• Both sexes are made to be compatible with the other. So the womanly ability to use little white lies is part of their design. It means, at least to me, that honesty for women depends on their motive. If they gain personal advantage, it’s dishonest. If it disturbs their conscience or produces guilt, it’s dishonest. If they try to motivate someone to do something, it’s manipulation and therefore dishonest. If they simply smooth interpersonal feelings without personal gain, it’s not dishonest although it’s not totally honest either.

Not sure if the logic would hold against a superior mind, but it makes sense to me. The difference between acceptable and unacceptable little white lies is determined by the motive behind them. Personal gain is the dividing line and each woman has the conscience and sense of guilt to judge whether she’s being honest or dishonest.

Now take that to the relationship interface. As we all know, honesty should prevail. Women now have a standard, if my analysis holds up under scrutiny of better minds. To my thinking, a wife’s little white lies with no guilt and clear conscience don’t disturb a husband’s feelings as dishonesty. He’s not eager to accuse wife for something that brings pleasantness without hurt to him.

Sir Eric at 2109 agreed that little white lies “done with good intention” are acceptable. We can presume that good intention means without personal gain for the woman and without attempt to manipulate. Accepting Eric and I as authority figures, it follows that men find well-intended little white lies acceptable. It means they can abstain from judging wife as dishonest for neutralizing ill feelings, even though it seemingly indicts them as co-conspirators in dishonesty. People dedicated to one another live easily with such a dilemma.

 

 

2053. Her Happiness vs. His Satisfaction

This sex difference brings compatibility to the marital table. Born to be happy, she has to earn happiness. Born to be satisfied, he finds it in daily accomplishments. She primarily is motivated to continually find self-importance and associating with others is critical. Others are not so critical until he invites them into his life. He primarily is motivated to find self-admiration in his daily endeavors. Success brings happiness to her and satisfaction to him. But the process is far more complex for her.

Earning Her Happiness. Energized to be happy doesn’t do it. She has to earn happiness little by little through a distinct process. She strives to make herself important but she can’t do it directly (important as a woman, that is). She depends on confirmation from others. She shows gratitude to them, and their appreciation reflects back to confirm her self-importance. IOW, she trades gratitude for self-importance.

However, she can’t give what she doesn’t have, so self-gratitude limits how self-important she sees herself. Consequently, her happiness depends solely on her. If that confuses, think of it this way. She identifies how grateful she is for herself, finds ways to be grateful for others, receives importance in return, and her many-times compounded sense of self-importance transmutes into happiness. (Gratitude for things provides no feedback of her importance except as she convinces herself and that fades away quickly. A new car, for example, can be analogous to the new picture she hangs but whose importance is taken for granted so quickly that it fades conscious notice after three or four days. The car can’t appreciate her and so it’s self-determined importance fades perhaps after a few months.)

Satisfaction for Him. He strives to do things that bring self-admiration. He doesn’t need admiration by others but it helps according to how well he respects the admirer. He earns satisfaction from his accomplishments, actual and imagined, but mostly from his job. So, he’s easily and almost continually satisfied. Maturity brings both opportunity and willingness to enable others to depend on his ability, the root of his self-admiration. He lets others see his worth as a producer and offers himself as their protector. His heart tells him that he can produce more wealth for himself and worth for others with the proper encouragement and support. And the loop closes for his participation as a mate. He need only find a woman with high promise for supporting and encouraging him in his endeavors, future but mostly the present.

Men are born to be satisfied and they come by it easily. Unless their childhood pushes initiative, ambition, or sense of responsibility out of their minds, they find satisfaction in their work, projects, and accomplishments. Men neither think nor talk much about happiness. It’s bound up almost inseparably in their satisfaction, which comes so easily out of routine habits. They are basically happy when they have something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. [Until I come up with a better one, I borrow the description in the last sentence from Brad Thor’s current best seller novel, the Art of War.]

 

1994. Self-gratitude—Guilt and Self-respect

Whether girl or woman, bachelorette or single mom, live in or wife, each lives with an abundance of guilt. Men can and do, but women can’t get rid of it. To some degree women feel too guilty and it languishes for years before fading from their hearts. However, they can ease it and I encourage women to neutralize it at least and overwhelm it at best with self-gratitude.

(Just guessing but I suspect it works something like this. Each woman has a full load that she carries all the time. New guilt displaces the least significant.)

Unfortunately, susceptibility to guilt eats away self-respect, so women need a stronger character foundation. Their nature provides it, dedication to themselves as vital to those around them. But that requires less guilt and some self-respect. Consequently, women need to continually both offset the former and reinforce the latter. The answer lies in habitually using the dresser mirror and the habit of deliberately spending time there. Out of mirror time comes less guilt, more self-respect, and reinforced self-gratitude. All of which enable dedication to themselves as vital to others.

Details about mirror use are coming soon. In the meantime, reviewing these related articles, 1003 and 1291, may fill in some blanks I leave behind.

 

1986. Self-gratitude—A New Beginning

 I’m frustrated. I can’t get the subject organized and written as I would like. So, I start at the back-end and will let your questions bring out the reasoning and details for a front end.

Women have to earn happiness, and it’s a three-step process. First, they find gratitude within themselves for who and what they are. Second, they find gratitude for other people and things in their lives. Third, they continually reinforce self-gratitude for two reasons. 1) It tends to easily weaken by comparisons to other people. 2) You can find gratefulness outside of yourself only to the extent that self-gratitude floods you own persona. The more grateful for self, the more gratitude you can find and appreciate until you realize that you’re happy.

After more than six years and a million words written, I’ve concluded lack of self-gratitude is the severest and self-induced shortcoming among females. It causes less control of self, which leads them into misery in the multiplex of singleness, disappointment, unhappiness, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, despair, divorce, depression, and gloom and doom. They pay too little attention to keeping their self-gratitude sufficiently inflated and pay too high a price at the box office of society.

So, I have compiled a list of things that should make women grateful when they adopt and embody them as values, standards, and self-expectations. The list is a start. I will maintain it by editing as readers convince me I should. I will also add new things at the top so readers can immediately see that new ones have been added.

You need to make a believer of yourself about each item that can be fitted into your personality, belief system, and roles in life. Remember this as you study each item. You can’t be grateful for yourself until you show yourself that you’re worthy by living up to your own standards and expectations. You have to live up to yourself in order to generate the self-worth that steadies and readies you to associate gratefully with others.

I suggest that you adopt, review, and rehearse daily until you believe some or all of the factors listed below. Consider your whole life in light of each. Where and how does each fit into your life? How does the absence of such beliefs make your life less worthy or successful? How does or can the presence of each improve your life? Make as many as possible a part of your convictions and beliefs. Start here by visualizing yourself.

I am grateful for myself because I:

1. [Next new one goes here]
2. [Have] the strength to do the right thing and live up to the expectations of those I have been giving the gift of caring for. [MLaRowe]
3. As a nurse can help others. [from Nancy]
4. Have a nice, more attractive body hiding inside me that I can bring into the light of my world. I’m especially grateful that I finally began to restore it.
5. Can convert the worth I see in others into value for my life and vice versa.
6. Depend on my man by doing for him rather than him doing for me.
7. Am capable more of giving that taking and am grateful for each opportunity to prove myself to myself.
8. Am capable of finding new ways every day by which to show to my man how he is respected for who he is and what he does.
9. Am vital to the people in my life and grateful that I can read the signs of it.
10. Can seek God’s forgiveness to relieve my self-blame and guilt.
11. Am worth any man but only a few are worthy of me. I have all the qualities I need to make one earn me and I work daily to make those qualities become virtues in the eyes of the best men.
12. Refuse to accept offenses to my feminine sensibilities by spotlighting my objection with word or departure. No more F- or C- words or similar filth in my presence, and that’s just for starters.
13. Grieve at the loss of a loved one with this firm conviction lodged in my heart. They would not have wanted me to miss a single good day of life if they thought they were the cause.
14. Have learned that commitment is of the mind and mouth and devotion speaks of the heart through actions.
15. Recognize my man is short of providing all the affection that I would like to have. But he provides enough and I’m just glad our roles aren’t reversed such I would be the one accused of giving too little.
16. Recognize that my man’s handiness is the birthright equivalent of my prettiness. Pleasing each other comes easily in those domains.
17. Have my personality and roles wrapped up in the urge to be important to me and others. My free will enables me to make the best choices that maximize the benefits to all concerned.
18. Enjoy promoting my man’s sexual performance and ignoring whatever shortcomings I may detect. It’s such a vital part of his sense of significance that I am unable to let my attitude be construed as a threat.
19. Get endless enjoyment from nesting, nurturing, and nestling with loved ones.
20. Want a man of my own, but who is unchangeable except before conquest and after many years of age when more maturity and less testosterone morph him into Mr. Right.
21. Use to our advantage how my man focuses primarily on the present and I focus primarily on the future.
22. Promote my man’s producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving as the primary foundation for the strengthening and preservation of our family.
23. Can assuage my fear of abandonment by promoting and helping my man promote his sense of significance.
24. Am the primary determinant for brightening my future within our future together. It all depends on the choices I make, man I choose, and relationship we develop with my relationship expertise.
25. Appreciate myself more when I depend on my modest nature to guide me.
26. Can touch up my appearance in numerous ways and places and endlessly please myself with how truly pretty I am.
27. Feel better about myself when I dress and act more feminine and less like men.
28. Am honest in all affairs of the heart. I can handle the disappointments it may cause, because I’m overly grateful when Mr. Not Goodenough departs.
29. Have so many blessings to count. Let me see now, which are the best at this moment in my life?
30. Think enough of myself that I can help bear the burdens of someone else.
31. Forget after I forgive. Forgiveness is the true expression of ultimate power, and true forgiveness causes the giver to forget.
32. Appreciate and use my instinct and intuition that prompts me to be kind and tender hearted. I acknowledge two things. 1) We women are born to be good, and our kind and tender heartedness enables us to do good. 2) Men are born capable of doing good and become as good as we women teach them to do good.
33. Am able to comfort those less endowed or fortunate than I.
34. Can visualize peace and harmony in my home and know that I must determine what it is without demanding it, exemplify it without criticizing in hopes of getting it, and blend the contradictions as if nobody is wrong.
35. Appreciate never having to prolong the agonies that self-forgiveness can relieve. The best gift from God or use of my will power comes when I forgive myself.
36. Know how to find and screen Mr. Good Enough and that he will be blessed to have me behind and helping lead him to all his victories.
37. Don’t need my man’s faults to fade away soon after we marry. I’m patient enough to watch him morph from Mr. Good Enough into Mr. Right over the span of a couple of marital decades.
38. Resolve my own problems. That’s where I’m most independent and so considerate that I accept blame rather than impose it on others. My self-worth soars with each instance of sacrificing myself to lift blame from others.
39. Can reward myself at the mirror in numerous ways such that I don’t crave overly much recognition when away from it.
40. Can eagerly honor this rank structure in our family: husband, wife, mother, father, and children.
41. Love my ‘new self’ at breakfast after mirror talk and enjoy the calm atmosphere that I bring to launching family into their respective days.
42. Unconditionally respect people and loved ones. It’s an awesome power that I can trust people who I know until evidence and good reason reveal that I shouldn’t.
43. Am proud to accept the principle of submission to husband while reserving the free will to take exception when appropriate.
44. Reap great pleasure spreading my self-identified joy wherever I go but especially in my own home.
45. Find gratefulness in all that I and my loved ones do.

How grateful do you now feel about yourself? More or less than when you started the list? Regardless, you should be energized to study further and consider options you had trouble accepting on your first viewing. The more self-gratitude you purposely generate by accepting individual factors, the sooner the misery multiplex will fade in importance and happiness will find you sooner.

666. The Muumuu Effect — Part II

CAUTION: I never claim that men are only after sex. I do assert, however, that it’s seldom out of their mind, and it imposes far more decision-making pressure than females experience within themselves.

Why dress to please men? Smarter women use mystery. They dress to stimulate the masculine imagination. There’s nothing like the muumuu to do that.

Remember, ladies, hunter-conqueror eyeballs are attracted to movements, and this challenges their minds to figure out what they think they see. Nothing does it more effectively than a feminine and classy muumuu. (Men disagree, of course.)

For example, to attract men among a group of women, one must stand out from the rest. If all are attired in muumuus, different movements beneath different muumuus make men choose who to pursue according to what body they imagine as most desirable for them. This means that, potentially, each woman more likely has a potential suitor, because men are much more diverse in imagination than in sex drive.   

He doesn’t wonder about imperfections under that muumuu. He sees movements that suggest a near-perfect target. The imperfections don’t register, because his mind imagines the perfect. He wants to see her as perfect, because his fired up imagination excites him, and that’s the muumuu effect.

If she’s not available for sex, he’s pushed to start imagining how to overcome her restrictions or conditions. He’s pushed to find out what she’s totally like. When she gets his mind off conquest without turning him off, she has him playing the female game.

566. Femmy Secrets for Harmony — #4

♦       She doesn’t pester her man at his work to reaffirm her feelings or relieve fears.

♦       She intuitively senses that gratitude for her man must precede his full appreciation of her.

♦       She stresses fidelity to her mate over everything else except faithfulness to God.

♦       She teaches and guides daughters to mature first, love next, and leave sex to marriage. It’s how fathers want daughters to grow up.

♦       She dreams about herself and her man as team, and what they should and can do.

♦       She uplifts his manliness and masculinity to get what she wants.

♦       She routinely keeps her own spirits uplifted by prettifying herself for different events of the day.