Tag Archives: feminine

2171. Mid-life Dating — C6: Internal Burnout aka Bowel Distress


Surprise, ladies. I can’t hazard a guess of how many, but some of you may not be healthy enough for uninterrupted dates. So, I hereby stick my neck into an arena for which I’m unqualified by normal standards. I admit the chivalry articles partially inspired this opinion piece.

Disclosures:

  • You’ll think I’m crazy, but stick around for a highly unusual and perhaps controversial or perhaps worthless example of What Women Never Hear.
  • I’m neither a medical doctor nor other medical professional. However, I’ve studied human nature and motivation for 64 years. The following describes my analysis of bad habits of thought and emotion that lead to poor body functioning, specifically that which leads to frequent bowel disturbances.
  • I neither understand nor describe the process that happens. I just identify likely causes of adverse bowel functioning that plague some men and women. I leave the details to medical professionals, while I focus on causes and the behavioral changes that can relieve discomfort.
  • Let me know what you think. Those of you or who know someone with continual bowel distress, see if I am pretty close to identifying your or their causal habits. Everything is relative and nothing is precise.

Our physical condition is a function of what we eat. Our body functions are impacted, sometimes severely, by the result of how we feel and think about emotional matters. The following causes ‘internal burnout’, the result of special kinds of anxiety, to which I attribute bowel disturbances.

I choose self-image as the concept around which to explain causes. Self-image, the picture we each have of ourselves, governs our lives. We assiduously live within that picture of who we are and what we do, can do, and expect to do. We are motivated to pursue our self-interest, and our self-image contains our guiding beliefs and juggles our emotions to match our pursuit. If we fall out of line with it, or in effect contradict our self-image, we correct or rationalize deviations. We see normal functioning in this truism: If you think you can, you can, and you act accordingly. If you think you can’t, you’re right, and so you choose to do something else.

While it can’t be called faulty, some people’s self-image interferes with the proper functioning of their bodies. That’s where this is headed. What might the causes be of the symptoms that adversely disturb bowel functions?

Let’s look at it under four headings.

  1. Internalizing. We should all know about this factor that plagues both introverts and extroverts. Many people focus too much on themselves. Their thoughts turn inward with personal concerns. They focus mostly on negative functions; they worry, agonize, and find faults in relationships, jobs, and their body. Thoughts such as, this ain’t right, that doesn’t work right, that hurts a little, it could be serious, and what am I to do? And worst of all, they focus far too much on things and about people they can do nothing about. Such as, how do I make someone like me? How do I impress them? How do I hide my bad side? How can I help someone, when I have the same fault?

Some people are so vulnerable to internalizing that it consumes their spare time. It causes them to fall prey to stirred-up emotions and hormones, enzymes, and digestive juices in excessive doses that act almost as if foreign to one’s GI tract and connected functions. It’s not what they internalize so much as too much of it. Not good, but then most of us have learned about the repercussions of too much worry, and so nothing new in all that. It’s just my recap of what too much internalizing leads to.

  1. Guilt. Women live continually with guilt. Much of it reminds of their bad side, which stirs certain guilt to plague their spare time. Their focus on it intensifies by internalizing about their relationships.

Men are less prone. Their guilt swings mostly around their actions and independence. Guilt doesn’t make them bad, it stirs them to action. I’m not good enough, or I should do better; I have to try harder. Or, how do I handle that SOB or hide my cheating? A man’s sense of independence disconnects others from his guilt; he’s more a loner to relieve it. He can more easily than women take action that relieves guilt. Women have no such ‘easy release’ because their guilt is tied to someone else; they’re less independent.

  1. Judging. This is new ground for readers. People don’t naturally talk along these lines. Too personal, too descriptive of our personal motivation, which is not usually a discussable subject. You may find yourself uncomfortable.

We judge and it takes place in two ways. Part of the shaping of our self-image is judging ourselves. It’s usually not much of a contribution to internal burnout, because natural pressures push us and sense of independence enables us to do something about it. (Example: I have to lose weight, dress more attractively, smile more, get a better job, give spouse more attention.) We are the only ones involved with fixing whatever we judge to need it. Action displaces disappointed emotions, and so we learn to either fix or accept and live with the rest. Internalizing about it usually does not make us sick.

But some people make themselves sick by ‘comparison shopping’. That is, judging themselves relative to others.

We are always in the process of judging others; it’s required for our own safety. For some, it gets out of hand. It’s an irresistible urge for all of us. But those vulnerable to internal burnout find themselves excessively wanting or lacking. It self-demeans their worth and belittles their picture of themselves.

Such people fuss with themselves. Not to work on recovery, but to stew about comparative shortcomings that can’t be fixed. Stewing takes less courage and steadfastness than to change habits, create different beliefs, develop new behaviors, or just take actions that keep one busy enough to divert attention from internal stewing.

They find themselves unhappy with what they do, want to do, or can do. Their self-image shrinks relative to others, while their self-interest urges them to do better. Confusion exacerbates anxiety, which invites more stewing.

  1. Image Projection. There are two kinds to be covered, do it for yourself or for others.

a) Imagine one’s abilities and qualities to be different for the sole purpose of pleasing oneself. (I suggest the book The Magic of Thinking Big.) You can become a much better, powerful, influential person without inducing illness. The difference is this. You have to do it for no one but yourself.

b) Do it for others and you can too easily induce illness. Some people develop their behaviors and habits in order to generate an image to others that just isn’t what’s in their hearts. They don’t have to be phony or out to fool people so much as to convince themselves of who they are or want to be relative to others. They worry constantly even if they are being successful. They just want to be better instead of somebody definite, so there is no end to their internalizing about it.

Essentially, they are wannabes, such as women to be prettier or more important, guys to be more respected or admirable, alphas to be easily recognized as such, or who they really are as person to be hidden. Their internal problems come from this phenomenon; they set an objective, which is a process without an end, and so they manage progress, which induces internalizing, which impacts their gut.

Too much internalizing of emotional issues, excessive guilt, unproductive judging, and convincing others of one’s qualities cause internal burnout. Deliberately change your actions and you change your feelings. Deliberately change your feelings and you change your thinking and vice versa. Deliberately change your behaviors and you change your habits. Deliberately change them all and you can calm if not end bowel disturbances and malfunctioning. Then, you’re healthier for mid-life dating.

Deliberately changing oneself is very difficult for men. Not so for women, whom I advise this way. Change first to quit thinking in parallel with or emulating man-think and masculine values, standards, and expectations. If you return to specialize in your feminine nature, you can more easily and deliberately change the makeup of your beliefs and emotions in ways that are healthier.

Finally, there’s even a simpler way. When believers sin they can take it to the Lord and be forgiven. When people disappoint others, they seek forgiveness from the disappointed or offended. However, too many people can’t forgive themselves; they don’t think they deserve it. It intensifies their internalizing, which almost automatically stops with true forgiveness of oneself. Whether through the Lord or self, forgiveness generates better health.

 

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2167. Dating in Mid-life — Part C5: More Personal Planning


First, you have advertise. Then you meet. Then you screen. Then you accept his invitation to date. I suggest you plan what you want and how you will get those things by talking to yourself in the mirror. You will also get to know yourself better, which means more confidence and dedication to your mission of dating anew. Your best friend in the mirror will also help convince you that dating is to find a man worthy of you rather than making yourself worthy and available for even the most gorgeous of men. (There ain’t no Mr. Right until you make him so.)

You are precisely in life today where you have chosen to be. Whoever, whatever, and wherever you are produced the results you see in the mirror. The fact that you seek a date means you need an upgrade. Every gal needs it periodically even if not dating. Makeover? New clothes? New hairdo? More neatness? More feminine? More modesty? More mystery? Less selfish? Less weight? More other-centeredness? More lighthearted persona? More smiles? Reinforced sincerity to prevent using phoniness to get immediate gratification? You’ll figure out what you have to have or just want, if you spend enough time with your reflected best friend.

Perhaps you can or should improve all of the above. The more time you spend at the mirror, the more and better you will figure out just what needs to be done to satisfy you (which never happens anyway except temporarily). Why is it important?

Simultaneously, you will be reinforcing your self-image, your picture of self, which governs how you live your life. We all act according to the picture we have of ourselves. When we ‘fall out of line’, do something out of character for example, we either alibi it to ourselves or others, correct it if we can, or apologize if we should. IOW, we take some action when we fail to stay within the limits set by our self-image of who we are, what we do, and how we live life.

But let’s move on. Stay away from cleavage, exotic, and erotic. You can expect those things will get you invited for dates. But, when a date’s mind gets transfixed on sex first, it doubles the difficulty for you to convert his interest back to your person. If you’re not his primary interest, his actions to please you won’t likely develop into devotion, just commitment for temporary sex.

Sometime, and I suggest at the mirror, you need to specify to yourself just where you stand on values, standards, and expectations to control his behavior. If you don’t expect these things, they will not happen. For example, these should be minimal:

  • You expect to be treated respectfully as person, female, and guest of a presumed gentleman.
  • He must respect your modesty religion, moral standards, and whatever you choose to disclose about family, friends, and self.
  • He can’t touch your erogenous zones if uninvited and you don’t expect invitations to be forthcoming until…? (I suggest after his diamond commitment. Nothing sacred about it, but deep arousal should be delayed as long as it takes him to become devoted to you.)
  • Foul language is unwelcome. (It’s an easy distinguisher to separate you from other women, make you unique among your competitors.)
  • Sex is not a discussable topic unless you mention it. If he brings up the subject of sex, you counter with the subject of marriage. Keep the latter going until he stops the former. The objective being to get off sex rather than stay on marriage. (But, incidentally, if he can’t abide you mentioning marriage, it’s a red flag that he can’t think about it.)
  • Finally, have a few ways of making him uncomfortable when he goes too far for your comfort, or objectives, or intentions, or pledges to yourself. Find other softer ways to say, No ring, no booty.

All of the above enable you to take stands that earn respect simply because you claim them as who you are, and you do it with pride, confidence, and disregard for whether others like it or not.

If you really want to seal the deal of venturing into the dating arena with a stronger and more appealing presence, I suggest that conclusions you make at the mirror be transcribed into a journal. Put in writing what you commit to about yourself, standards, and expectations. For example, what red flags are sufficient to call it off for a man?

Now ladies, I recognize that I have been talking like a man. You all know how to water down my rhetoric and make it more relevant to your condition with less directness and more understanding. Essentially, that applies throughout this mid-life dating series. In the process of being indirect except for offenses that you won’t stand for, you’ll know how to do it better and more polished than I describe it.

 

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2154. Compatibility Axioms #681-690


681. Modest attire signals covered boobs to be protected boobs. Cleavage drastically eases his worry about gaining access.  [235]

682. She assertively initiates unmarried sex—will she be led to church or left in the lurch? Odds favor the latter. [236]

683. New mothers that have no husband to love them indulge their children in false hope mom will be more deeply appreciated.  [236]

684. She wears her heart on her sleeve, just to be sure he understands her—mystique or mistake? Probably the latter. [236]

685. She goes for one-night stands and complains when he doesn’t call. Who’s at fault? The giver or the taker? [236]

686. Girls providing fellatio in public add dignity to the female gender, and that encourages masculine respect. Right? [236]

687. She gets in his face loudly to win an argument. Is she attractive to keep around or just another guy to ignore? [236]

688. A woman’s moral standards set boundaries for a guy’s treatment of her. Her enforcement holds him in line, earns his respect, and sends silent messages about how life will be with her. [237]

689. Except for the physical, feminine nature easily counterbalances male dominance. But modern women abandon their strengths for doing so. If he’s comfortable, he’s in control. If he’s uncomfortable, she’s in control. [237]

690. Her mystery, morality, and modesty signal ‘permission denied’ for male boldness. It checks him, before he ventures too far. His need for caution makes him uncomfortable, which adds to her ability to dominate. [237]

 

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2145. Unisex Fails Women


It’s been happening for half a century through six or seven generations of females, each of which seeks its own identity with a different lifestyle from previous ones.

Women possess some male hormones, and I use testosterone merely as example. Hormones respond to behavior. The more masculine-like is female behavior, the higher the level of Big T. The higher the level, the more masculine they act in response, so hormones and behavior trigger more of the other and spiral upward making women more like men. The reverse is true too. The more feminine women behave, the less T floods their body and the less they act like men.

Most men want to marry a virtuous woman, but she’s not virtuous enough unless she’s fascinating to him. Except for sexual potential, men see little or no fascination in women who act like men. Such women possess too few of the virtuous qualities that fascinate men.

Consequently, over 50 or so years women migrated from potential mates to undesirables for permanent relationships. They depend on romantic love to support their relationships. It fades in a year or two after conquest, and men are free to move on to another sex object, if they didn’t move on before.

The unisex movement is political and sprang out of Feminism. Ergo, feminist thinking, theory, and belief are responsible for short duration of marriages. But it’s really not that simple; that’s just the foundation. Unisex politics convinced women they should act more like men, which flooded them with more testosterone, which brought out more self-centered female aggressiveness that men find unpleasant, which cost women much of their non-sexual fascination, which lured men into sex-only relationships, which brought about the shortening of marriages.

The more feminine that women behave, the more likely they appear fascinating to men, and the more likely men see promise in them as lifelong mates. They are made that way in order to live compatibly with each other.

 

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2116. Compatibility Axioms #571-580


571. A woman that appears very ordinary stales fast in the face of erotic scenery outside the home. [203]

572. Men are born hard-headed and hard-hearted. Women are born hard-headed but soft-hearted. It takes years to soften his heart, and her going soft in the head doesn’t help her but stops softening of his heart. Experts aren’t very effective when their thinking goes mushy. [203]

573. Modern women market themselves poorly. They put all their eggs in the advertising basket, use cheap packaging, and ignore product quality. They advertise sex, dress cheaply, groom carelessly, and think and hope that sex will both capture and hold a man. One-night stand, yes! Hold, no! [205]

574. Sexy apparel and exposed skin precisely focuses a man’s interest on conquest. After conquest, he may or may not focus on her other interests. [205]

575. By fishing with sex as bait, she yields dominance and sex to him. This minimizes her negotiating power and puts their future in his hands. [205]

576. Sex needs no advertising. It sells itself, and advertising it cheapens a woman for everything but sex. [205]

577. Women need high quality packaging to project the appearance and confirm the fact of an extraordinary female—the kind to whom men marry and stay married. [205]

578. Regarding her appearance, if she doesn’t protect her self-respect, display self-confidence, and reflect self-esteem, she lacks quality for much more than temporary gigs with men. [205]

579. Modest attire, attractive grooming, and high-standard feminine behavior create a mysterious quality that intrigues men. It elevates a woman toward keeperhood. [205]

580. As women go, so goes society, and feminine mystique, modesty, and morality drive the best bus for females. Exclusively advertising sex makes a woman miss the bus. She’s left behind to get run over by men. [205]

 

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2077. Compatibility Axioms #491-500


All that follows below is based on the natures of men and women as they are born. Women have to figure out what’s best for them given the lessons they have learned in life and the relationships they enter.

491.Inability to conquer a woman focuses a man’s mind on one thing—getting it done by whatever it takes. But then conquest releases him to focus on something or somebody else. [172]

492. Men as hunter-conquerors always take interest in new targets whether in chase mode or not. [172]

493. Fellatio doubles down on ‘will you respect me in the morning’?

494. Sex deferred until marriage maximizes her as a highly feminine matrimonial target. Only a ‘giant of a man’—in his eyes that is himself, his royal studliness—could beat out all those other competitors for her made evermore worthy of investing himself by her impenetrable chastity. [174]

495. When all women cut way back on providing unmarried sex, the effective rationing makes men sell themselves more assertively. By force of habit and drive to succeed, this turns them into more dependable investors in and guardians of female interests. [174]

496. Morality serves women much more than men. To the extent a woman fails to live within and uphold a self-imposed strong moral code, she can expect mistreatment by men and consequent mistreatment of herself by herself. [175]

497. Women choose to ignore this benefit dealing with a man. When she repeatedly refuses their first-time sex, he honors her wishes, explores her qualities, heeds her strengths, and accepts her weaknesses. More importantly, she learns whether he’s after her or just after sex. (Details appear in posts about Virtual Virginity.) [175]

498. Women use sex to capture men for short-term benefits. Long-term relationships are thus greatly weakened. [175]

499. Men expect respect and gratitude from their woman. Her encouragement and cheering him onward and upward provides it. Nagging and criticism nullify it. [175]

500. Women yield first time sex to men who threaten to leave. Whether a man bluffs or not, if she yields he loses respect for her. Next step: Dumped. He followed his nature and she abandoned hers. [175]

 

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2052. Submissive #09 — Dictators and Rule the Rooster


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening between the sexes.

24. In a marriage moving along successfully, submission doesn’t haunt the wife. As the relationship kingpin, she knows how to integrate their respective strengths, minimize their respective weaknesses, and discretely pick the battles she will wage. Her submissive spirit moderates her husband’s dominance by weakening his need for it. [Guy adds: Her submissive spirit is the linchpin for encouraging him to put aside his competitive role-protection and enjoy the friendliness and encouragement that goes along with her hints, seed planting, and patience, aka her cooperative spirit. The more he goes along to get along with her prescriptions for home life, then the more he moves toward becoming Mr. Right. Right, ladies?

Unfortunately, if he morphs too much and she determines that he’s grown into Mr. Right too soon, then she loses interest in improving him. Enabled to quit trying, she grows bored. It contributes to the hurdle I call the 20-year ditch, either her of him or him of her. Ideally, she to herself declares him Mr. Right about the same time that security takes on a more awesome meaning to her. Improving him morphs into using him to brighten her future security. When does it happen? Who knows? But the more easily he slips into the spider web that enables her to actually dominate, the sooner she becomes bored. That is, with so much success, too few struggles, and too easy to get her way, then she seeks new challenges to reinforce her sense of self-importance. It prompts her to think outside the box (home).]

25. The successful wife recognizes that her husband’s primal urge to be head of the family far outweighs her need to rule the roost. So she aspires to rule the rooster mostly with him being unaware. [Guy adds: It’s caused mostly by her nature and is the offspring of her well-meaning submissive and cooperative spirits. However, some women will add deviousness to their efforts. Of course it brutalizes a woman’s sincerity. If husband detects insincerity or deviousness, her credibility and his respect plummet. Because trying to rule the rooster is natural to females, it’s acceptable to males when done honestly and sincerely. Deviousness and tricks merely waste effort and enlarge odds that she will lose in the long run.]

26. A vital part of the submissive spirit is letting husband discover and fix his own mistakes. If wife points them out directly, or harps about them, he goes into defensive mode that agitates his dominant nature. It amounts to her threatening or at least tinkering with his sense of significance. This pushes a man to seek submission on his terms and restore his significance. Her submissive spirit gets wasted in the aftermath. [Guy adds: Marital success depends on what she sees him do to, about, and for her. Also, why, how, and what he hears her say to, about, and for him. IOW, the starting point of marital judgments is his ears and her eyes, in both cases their secondary sensors. Examples: She sees his laziness and rings the bell to start the next round. Her endless chatter about things of no interest to him drives him to turn off his hearing long before he’s old enough to have and turn off his hearing aid.]

27. Marriages fail easily unless the CEO power struggle is resolved harmoniously. The ideal arrangement has spouses developing a working division of authority that makes both sides feel safe, comfortable, and confident about the other. Ideally, arranged in courtship, both agree to yield on matters over which the other has responsibility. But in the end, each has to yield cooperatively or disputes have a way of magnifying in both number and meanness. [Guy adds: It’s no easy matter to assign responsibility and authority to one spouse because marriage is a sharing experience. However, it’s still a sharing matter. When push comes to shove on some issue, one spouse has the upper hand. That is, the authority to render the final decision after sharing the issue with other spouse. For example: He rules the family; she rules the home. The ‘junior partner’ easily learns they will lose in the end, and so they only argue so long to get their way. It may not settle emotions of the moment, but animosities fade with time. Fading animosities re-open the door to harmony.]

28. Her husband’s game may be hard dictatorial rule. But God designed, nature endows, and hormones energize her to handle him successfully. So long as she cooperates with his nature rather than competes with his dictatorial manner. Her feminine nature guides her to this: 1) She can’t outplay so she must outsmart him. 2) If he liked himself, he wouldn’t be like he is, so she needs to help him like himself, and admiration works best and criticism works worst. 3) She exploits her feminine nature to confirm the wife’s role as pleasantly superior for generating household peace and that makes his dictatorial manner unnecessary. [Guy adds: I can’t add much. Women at birth inherit the relationship expertise to work themselves in, around, over, and under dictatorial rule in the home.]

More tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

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