2299. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 11-20


Motto: PRiM is very proper, ‘cause he doesn’t drop her.

11. Don’t purposely change your personality for the sake of trying to please your man. Don’t try to change the relationship in a major way. Let the little events and interactions in life, such as described in this series, enable you to harmonize your personality with his and vice versa. Preventive maintenance and not management is the objective.

12. You are not his parent so be sure he doesn’t view you as acting like it. Neither nurturing nor mothering a good husband make.

13. Trust your man and make sure he knows it. Trust as in produce, protect, provide, and problem solve. Frequently confirm your dependence on his accomplishments, achievements, and especially recoveries. Silence about sexual cheating implies trust. The path to his fidelity follows this thinking. He convinces himself that your general trust reflects deep respect and gratitude in all that he does, and he doesn’t want to lose that. IOW, he enjoys living up to you as the more all-together person, although he can never admit it in those terms.

14. Don’t disturb your man when he’s intensely focused on doing something. Interruptions disturb his self-admiration, which motivates him in the first place, and may slow achievement of self-satisfaction, which motivates him to finish the current task. IOW, interruptions disturb the two major motivational forces that drive him to do everything that he does or feels responsible for. Subliminally, disturbances and interruptions insinuate that you don’t think much of him as a man, at least not one valuable enough to let him finish what he set out to do. Subliminally again, you think you know better. (Near-emergencies exempted of course.)

15. Try to get this agreement before you marry. Together you will pray and read the bible daily. Set some goals. You may have to coach him gently to get him started. But after days and days of success (practice), he may surprise you.

16. He deserves you and what you bring to the table that makes life so enjoyable for both, and not the other way around. If you act like you deserve whatever he does on your behalf or to please you, then you undo another bolt that holds closed his door to the outside of your relationship.

17. As soon as possible take the focus off every little problem that arises. Resolve at whatever the cost to you and shift the subject before bitterness can emerge. Focus on what makes you more likeable to him and him more likeable to you. Your efforts that enable him to recover make your likeability sparkle, which diverts attention and takes the heat away from disagreement.

18. Don’t complain to anyone about his habits, frailties, or mistakes. If you need help, ask others for it without knocking him in the process. When you complain about him, it programs your heart against and weakens your own interest in him. Such changes in you are detectable by him, which tends to make you less likeable. Even worse, your girlfriends could spread what you say and his reputation gets to him and back to you.

19. Don’t compare him to other men, because he will lose and feel defeated or win and stop improving himself. Compare him to himself and how far he has come. [from Anita at 2298]

20. Feminine superiority lies within this thought: She doesn’t have to outfight him. She can outsmart him—as long as he’s unaware. She can out maneuver him—as long as he’s willing to pay her price. Her nature puts her in charge so long as she stays in feminine character and permits him the same in masculine character. Success requires her patience and liking of him, plus his liking of her patience, understanding, forgiveness, and hopefully—but not likely—forgetfulness.

10 Comments

Filed under boobs, courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, sex differences

10 responses to “2299. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 11-20

  1. Etu

    Sir Guy, can you give us an example of the ‘nurturing’ in 12 that is so toxic? Also, if a man gives you the news that he did not succeed in a certain venture, how does a woman go about letting him know it’s alright and you still believe in him/encourage him without coming off too sympathetic/nurturing etc? really enjoying this series, and thank you.

    Your Highness Etu,

    If you would treat a child that way, don’t do it to him.

    As to letting him know it’s okay, smile and wait for him to talk. What he says will guide you as to what, how, and the timing to say it.

    It’s too individualistic and personality- and relationship-dependent to determine ahead of time what will make it alright and better for him. You’re the only one that has both knowledge and skill to do the right thing for him, you, your relationship, and in your home. God made you that way; trust yourself.

    For example, you’re right. Neither too sympathetic nor nurture-based. The less you say will enable him to figure out what he needs, wants, and how to get it by himself. If he asks for help, of course then open up in whatever way you’ve already figured out will work best.

    To decide how you will react ahead of time in certain ways or with particulars is not the best way. It can easily steer you wrong by your anticipating and delivering before you find out what’s really needed. Whereas, letting the current circumstances dictate your action works best.

    Guy

    • Etu

      Appreciate you very much, our dear Sir Guy. I am bad to use a ‘script’ in situations, and since I have not heard yet about what has happened, I will wait instead and trust that I will not be overly sympathetic. I told him going into it, whatever happens, use it for good. Thanks again!

  2. Lilac

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Is it very hard for men to say “thank you”? Or do men have their own way of showing gratitude?

    Recently a male friend had a performance. I sent him a fruit basket to bless his performance.
    Before that, i asked him the preferred time of delivery and discussed a bit what i would write on the card. He said “i will be happy with whatever you write.”

    I went to his performance and we chatted a bit. But he never mentioned the fruit basket. He never said “thank you” for my gift. (I never mentioned this either because I wished he would take the initiative to thank me. Any prompting from my side, i am afraid that he will take it as nagging.)
    Did he appreciate my gift? Was his appreciation so subtle that i just could not sense it? What will a man usually do if he appreciates a gift?
    Thanks for your perspective on this!

    Your Highness Lilac,

    “I went to his performance and we chatted a bit.”

    Before or after his performance? If before he was chatting politely but his mind was on his upcoming performance. (Men don’t multi-task well.) If after his performance, his mind was focused elsewhere.

    How close a friend? Or is he man of interest?

    Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. If you sent it before his performance, it didn’t register very highly with him. Ergo, easy to forget to express polite thanks.

    Forgive and forget.

    Guy

    • Lilac

      Forgive and forget.
      Thanks for this important message!
      Man of interest? No. He is not a good guy. I want to show God’s love to him more and pray one day he will be converted.
      Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. So, is it not worth giving men any gifts unless they have earned my devotion? How about a word of encouragement?

      Your Highness Lilac,

      If your gifts are tied to trying to convert him, you will achieve the opposite of what you seek. He will resent as obvious your hope to change him.

      Don’t give up and don’t expect thanks. Just change to a more appealing tactic.

      Better than gifts are your attention, concern, and love of your fellow man. After awhile if you want to gift him, do it connected to his specific accomplishments. And small will likely work better (perhaps just a candy bar) as thoughtful rather than trying to buy his allegiance with bigger gift, which it’s easy for a non-believer to think.

      Guy

      • Lilac

        Your reply helps me to make sense of his responses or absence of responses now!

        Can you suggest some feminine ways to evangelize men?
        In the past i tried to “challenge” him intellectually. I tried to share my “sentimental” conversion story him. I have sent him youtube links of Christian songs. I have sent him Bible verses (the encouraging ones). But nothing seems to happen except that he speaks much less about his religious beliefs on facebook now.
        Now i do not argue with him any more n try to listen to him more (when he opens up himself and shares sth with me. This does not happen very often.)

        Your Highness Lilac,

        Forget trying to change men. It doesn’t work. The harder you try, the more they resent and resist.

        Instead, make yourself a better person, more exemplary according to Christian principles. Become more modest, more feminine, more unique as person and woman. More pleasant and especially more respectful of men and each man. Finally find ways to be more grateful for and to yourself. (See and learn to capitalize on the series titled Female Blessings at Birth shown at blog top.)

        Guy

        • Lilac

          Millions of thanks to you, Sir Guy!
          Your blog and your replies to my and others’ comments have helped me a lot.

  3. Yin

    Dear Sir Guy
    Would you please elaborate on 16.? “He deserves you and what you bring to the table that makes life so enjoyable for both, and not the other way around. If you act like you deserve whatever he does on your behalf or to please you, then you undo another bolt that holds closed his door to the outside of your relationship.” How does it look like when he deserves her? And when she deserves him? Does it mean she should be grateful, but not have a mindset if expecting it back?

    Your Highness Yin,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Yours is a good question. #16 could use some clarification.

    You’re a newbie, so I make this point in case you’ve not seen it before. This blog describes how men and women differ as if they were just born as full-size adults without any lessons learned in life. IOW, it’s how people would be if they only follow their inborn nature. Example: Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts but women do and expect them regularly.

    A relationship has two distinctly different parts. Before his conquest (their first sex together) and after that. A man’s objectives and apparent personality change dramatically after conquest. His pursuit is ended, and he decides her worth for his future. She’s a keeper, booty, or dumpee, which depends mostly on her likeability and his respect that she earned by delaying conquest.

    He earns the conquest; she earns keeping him after that. He deserves what he earns, namely frequent and convenient access to sex. She deserves what she earns after conquest, namely keeping his interest in her with all his masculine glory.

    Consequently, when she acts as if she deserves him or some sacrifice on his part, she flirts with causing him to think her undeserving. If she acts deserving soon after conquest, she steps out of bounds. If she’s earned his respect, love, and devotion over time, he’s not as likely to take offense.

    Guy

    • Yin

      Much thanks, I learned a lot! 1) Tangentially, what would you say about a man that didn’t visibly change after conquest? 2) Has he learnt lessons in life that he shouldn’t do that? 3) And will the natural inclination to act different than before still motivate underneath?

      Your Highness Yin,

      I numbered your questions and respond with what seems to be happening. I could be wrong so be careful for awhile, so slow, and don’t show expectations too high yet.

      1) He deeply and sincerely wants YOU.

      2) Doubtful. His feelings for you outweigh his nature. Before conquest, you won his respect, he spotted many virtues, and he is in the process of capturing you for his own.

      3) Not likely unless he loses respect for you for whatever the reason. So, above all, don’t divulge your sexual history.

      Guy

      • Yin

        I guess I owe you a lot…for teaching me to listen to my nature instead of a fabricated sense of duty.. Duty to pay for dates, taking charge, tolerate insensitive content as a token of growing up, and feeling guilty otherwise. To think I had all the answers inside me 🙂

    • Southernbelle

      16. He deserves you and what you bring to the table that makes life so enjoyable for both, and not the other way around. If you act like you deserve whatever he does on your behalf or to please you, then you undo another bolt that holds closed his door to the outside of your relationship.
      Sir Guy,
      In regards to #16 above, if a lady feels a suitor doesn’t deserve her, is this a deal breaker while dating? Seems to me that she should feel this way and it’s the suitor’s task to “prove” otherwise to her to win her over. He then becomes deserving in her eyes and she accepts him for marriage or he quits trying and they go their separate ways. This is so different than the modern idea that they should both be infatuated and then marry.

      Your Highness Southernbelle,

      You are so right in all that you say. It’s a deal breaker anytime before they marry. After that, many other factors enter the picture and make her decisions much more difficult.

      Infatuation and the modern idea don’t seem to work very well, do they?

      Guy

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