You’ve read it here before. A man’s devotion can be seen by his pleasing himself to please his woman. She may receive little, but if he admires himself it’s a sign of devotion to her. But detecting additions to his sense of self-admiration is not easy. Much easier is to ID those traits and actions that are pleasing to him exclusively or disturbing to you. They are foreign or even toxic to devotion to you. So, I cite red flags that women should detect easily if they pay enough attention to each man’s actions and attitude.
Keep this in mind. It happens once in awhile that a man falls in love at first sight. If true love, devotion follows right away and almost automatically. He knows what he wants and intends to get it, HER. (Women, however, don’t love a man at first sight; they just imagine it out of too much infatuation, anxiety, desperation, or hope.)
I think more benefit may come from citing things often overlooked by gals enthralled in romantic love. They are most vulnerable to miss red flags, such as the following.
- He resists or resents just about anything that pleases her. He pleases her only when he wants something. (Which reflects deep self-centeredness and probably selfishness.)
- He lacks thoughtfulness, respect, punctuality, reliability, politeness, deference either to her, others, or everyone.
- He may not be awkward or uncomfortable in his early attempts to charm her. (Awkwardness discloses uneasiness or fear of doing something wrong, and so it’s a good sign at the outset of dating.)
- He lacks appreciation of her humor, presence, patience, housekeeping, job and family obligations, or attractiveness above and beyond the sexual.
- He presents her with no evidence that he admires any features, traits, habits, or qualities about her. Lack of admiration means he sees no virtues and she won’t in his eyes be virtuous, which translates to not marriage potential.
- He doesn’t please her in order to please himself. (This is tricky. He’s more invested in her when he pleases her to please himself. If he doesn’t feel good about himself pleasing her, he won’t please her very long and may just be after sex.)
- He lacks interest to do what she sometimes wants them to do together. Repeated failure to honor her wishes means lack of respect or too much self-centeredness and signals no foundation for his love, regardless of what he claims even to the contrary.
- He considers her attentions to him to be excessive—e.g., smother-love—and has no problem telling her about it. (If she nags about loneliness, she is the red flag that he perceives.)
- He angers easily at her for little things. She ticks him off easily. (And readers say, most men do. And I say, not if she’s important enough for him. He either values her above his temper or devotion is probably not in the cards. Admittedly, after they marry, couples learn that husband’s temper and devotion are not mutually exclusive like they should be in courtship when his self-control is part of selling himself to her. Wife has already bought into him.)
- He shows little interest in contacting her frequently and regularly. (He may have good reason and slowness of initiative should not raise a red flag. For example, it’s tolerable if he doesn’t try as hard as she does to keep him in her mind, but highly preferable if he wants to set her mind at ease.)
- He seems unwilling to respect and accommodate both her modesty and vanity. He can’t live with the fairness of being punctual to her tardiness fixing up. (In the natural course of things, her tardiness signifies that she’s the more important member of the courting arrangement. If not acknowledged by him, red flags unfurl and courtship may not be right for them.)
- He exhibits bad habits as she defines ‘bad’ without his showing interest to change just to please her. (Doesn’t mean he has to change at her request but to at least show honest and sincere effort to do so hopefully for the purpose of just pleasing her.)
- He prefers the company of buddies over aloneness with her. (IOW, she’s not respected comparable to his fun or socializing time?)
- He lets sex dominate his thinking when around her and when contacting her routinely. (The more prevalent his interest in sex, the less his true interest in her. How can I say that? People get what they think about. Thinking about it leaves less time and words for other things. Unless sex with her is hugely secondary, he’s not very devoted to her.)
- He resists investing his time, effort, or money in her. He’s single-minded to be super-efficient in their relationship. To produce the most for them at least cost to him. (After they marry, he gets worse. He won her with cheapness, he can keep her satisfied—frugal man’s value—while he becomes more successful at it. It’s husband’s true nature becoming more financially inhibited. He learns to admire himself more for every nickel saved. Unfortunately, she pays a huge price for his satisfaction and her inability to earn happiness for lack of resources with which to even be grateful for herself much less spread her gratefulness among others.)
- He gives too big rather than thoughtful gifts. (Trying too hard to impress her signals that he’s buying her off, which reverses their natural roles. It pushes her into the corner of becoming the seller (to keep gifts coming) rather than the buyer of whatever he has to offer of himself without gifts. Respect is not buried in gifts but in the intent behind the giving. Thoughtfulness reflects his respect much better than his gift. Am I right, ladies?)
- He keeps his schedule from her to prevent her knowledge, involvement, or ability to investigate. Super secrecy raises the red flag. (It’s natural for men to protect their independence and tend to their own business in their own way. It’s a strong instinct proportionally related to alpha, beta, gamma traits.)
- He keeps his agenda mysterious and doesn’t even hint at what her role might be in his life if and when they get more serious or marry. (Unwillingness to address her role keeps her closer to the sideline in case he wants to jump out of the relationship. The absence of such thoughts corresponds with unwillingness to fully commit.)
- He seems to purposely make himself unpredictable to her. (To be predictable is to lose independence. Men not fully devoted to their woman try endlessly to retain their independence even in small ways.)
- He flirts with other women when with her. (Contrary to woman-think, routine flirting does not signify emotional infidelity. Men don’t recognize emotional infidelity as important, and they don’t or can’t empathize with women about it. Therefore, women have to be more direct and teach their man, Thou shall not flirt, period.)
- He fails to flirt and tease her tenderly, abundantly, and sincerely. (Then he has little or no interest in making her feel good about herself.)
- He shows more interest in other things and people than in her. (He’s just not that into her, is he?)
- He sends out signals that she interprets as his using her to advance his agenda. (Does she want to tag along with his agenda? Does he even reveal his true agenda.)
- He dodges commitment except when tied to frequent and convenient access to sex—e.g., shack up—and dodges even more when marriage comes up. (The female heart is loaded with self-protective reasons to find fault in such a guy.)
- He uses words of commitment but doesn’t show actions that signify devotion. (Her heart knows this. Words are temporary. Only the actions of devotion program the heart in her favor. Now, how does she go about helping the words become actions? Be herself, trust her heart, and rely on her patience, indirectness, and most easily admirable qualities.)
- He attaches little extra value to the ‘us’ side of their relationship. He just can’t truly make her more important than him in his value system. (It does not bode well for her future even if sweetened by his presence.)
- He proactively claims both intent and ability to make her happy. (His idea of her happiness is her responding favorably to his leadership. OTOH, if he’s truly into her rather than chasing her for sex, he’s worried about keeping her happy in the present more than promising things for her future.)
- He promises her the moon. It’s an indirect invitation to bed. (When men come courting with indirectness, they abandon their direct nature. Women like to hear but should not trust romantic promises. Don’t dump him yet. Wait for his actions to match his words.)
Now, obviously those behaviors are more easily detectable during courtship. But some symptoms can be detected in dating and should raise red flags.
I know you ladies read more good signs and red flags in your lives than I can ever imagine. I think reason to veto is more useful. Avoidance usually beats the cure. Women already know how to buy in when they want to believe their date is almost a Mr. Right.
During dating and courtship, women should look for behaviors that hint that he’s not likely to fit her ideas about devotion to her. Devotion positives help seal a deal, but it’s devotion toxins than become more obvious and often demeaning after they marry. If her screening and judging stop before they meet at the altar, she sells herself short.