Tag Archives: marriage

2302. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 31-40

31. Clear the air before it needs cleaning. As a prospective bride, work out a contract with your prospective mother-in-law. First, pleasantly and respectfully seek her permission to ‘take away’ her little boy. Make sure mother approves of you as son’s bride. (If she doesn’t, it’s another ballgame for discussion elsewhere.) After getting her approval, get approval on this second step. I ask that you never complain to him about me. If you think ill of me in any regard, please let me know and give me a chance to rectify it before you involve him. Our marriage won’t work unless he’s out of the middle between you and me. By the same token, I can’t and won’t dump my problems with him in your lap. We women can work things out best all by ourselves. He’s totally my problem if you totally give him up.

32. Regarding his responsibility of producing, protecting, providing, and problem solving, wife has one primary role: encourage, support, praise, respect, appreciate, and crown his effort with whatever forms of glory she can find that makes him like himself. Be honest, don’t overdo it, and focus on his accomplishments rather than his treatment of her. (It doesn’t mean she yields up her dignity. She doesn’t water down her standards, expectations, or principles. She makes what he needs merge amicably with who and what she is as his wife. By confirming his importance for his accomplishments, she becomes more likeable to him, which grows his love of her.)

33. About his job, she knows nothing but what he tells her, which has a strong bias to make him look good or others to look poorly. She should not advise him how to handle conditions at his workplace. He knows best even when confused. For her to interfere is to show she thinks him inadequate. Furthermore, she can’t know both sides of the politics. Her advice or expectations for him could easily put him in the wrong if he heeds her biased and incomplete interpretations.

34. When he stumbles, falls, or fails either physically, mentally, or financially, don’t pick him up. Provide the necessary health care but not recovery fare. Smile, generate fun to divert his attention, make yourself likeable about other matters, encourage his picking himself up, give him hope, keep sympathy to yourself, and otherwise enable him to escape his indignities by himself. That way, he thinks only he recognizes the indignities. It makes him grateful that you don’t see him as a failure but only as a ‘recoverer’ or admired survivor.

35. Enable your children to self-develop. Guide their father into helping with the process. Of course, guide, lead, admonish, and discipline them. But do the least possible to avoid de-motivating them. There is no such thing as motivation, there is only self-motivation—and it begins in toddlerhood, which is how and why children are self-developers. Turn them away from self-development and they respond as problem children.

36. Women can trust someone without respecting them. Men can’t or won’t; they insist that their respect for someone be earned. If you can’t or don’t respect your man, you can expect that he thinks you don’t trust him, which comes back in the form of his not respecting you, which is the foundation of a man’s love. So, lack of respect for your man almost guarantees that his love will weaken or worse, which comes from your being less likeable because he doesn’t feel as good about himself as previously.

37. If he shows signs of undue jealousy or mistrust of you, it reflects his conviction that men cheat and, therefore, women must cheat as easily. He’s ill informed about that connection, but many men believe it. It does not mean that he cheats or intends to cheat and, in fact, could very well mean that he is faithful but is wary that you might cheat—modern women have made it fairly common, it would seem. So, don’t distrust him just because he seems to suspect you intermittently. Let him see no actions that make him suspect you, and don’t blame him until proof is very evident that he cheated.

38. He likes to be direct and expects you to be the same. However, your nature advises indirectness, because it makes you more flexible and influential. So, you have the tougher task of avoiding directness when he expects it most and you can least afford to provide it. That horse is difficult to stay astraddle when trying to jump over bigger disagreements.

39. Once he conquers you, your appearance is not nearly as irresistible. The hot-stuff season of romantic love fades in a year or two. During that time it’s up to you to develop the attractions that tease his curiosity and spur his imagination to picture getting into bed with you rather than others. Without your planting that picture in his heart, his curiosity and imagination go neutral about you.

40. Never reject him for sex. Instead, just use this claim: I really don’t feel like it now. Can you please accommodate my wishes? Resist nicely and pleasantly as if he owns you. Then follow his lead. Also, don’t use the claim falsely or it means nothing in the future except to anger him. He gave up his independence for you; you owe him everything that he desires because he deserves it. (Of course you can argue it isn’t fair; I’m just reporting how his nature responds to conqueror’s right that guides his thoughts about sex. You won him for however you use him and whatever you can get out of him; that’s a lot. He conquered you expecting to have his sexual urges satisfied frequently and conveniently. That, by comparison, isn’t much. If you’re too frequently unavailable, he did a lousy job by choosing you. You won’t sleep well if that thought preoccupies his mind.)


Filed under courtship, feminine, guy, How she wins, sex differences

2282. My Mistake about a Man’s Love: Recovery I

Post 2266 described the essentials of masculine love as it begins at birth before sexual interest and sexual ability develop. I described it wrapped in simplicity this way. a) He finds her likeable and wants to be with her. b) For insurance against competitors, he makes himself loyal to her. She sees that as his being in love, but it’s not quite. c) He convinces himself that she finds him extremely likeable. d) He confirms to himself that she’s loyal to him exclusively. e) He gently slips into the role of being devoted to her, which is the version of his love that she needs before accepting his proposal.

However, I also wrote, “I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.” Then, I was diverted and promptly forgot to finish the job. I offer this more complete series as recovery.

I choose to start over and summarize both the characteristics and essentials for successful sexual involvement in masculine love. I cover it in six phases: birth, boyhood, puberty, before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage.

BIRTH brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation required for a man’s love to be sufficiently rewarding that he bonds with someone. That foundation—mutual likeability and mutual loyalty—is required throughout life for manly bonding with others.

Of course the definition of likeability spreads and impacts every interpersonal factor between two people. More later about how both sexes benefit.

BOYHOOD brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation but in reverse. Parents through both actions and words convince sons that they are very likeable and that parents are loyal to boyhood interests. Sons respond by finding parents equally likeable and aim their loyalty toward parents more than someone else. Thus, a boy’s ability to love and the intensity of it develops to the extent that parental actions primarily and words secondarily confirm son’s likeability. (Girls seem to regard words as more affirming but they are sensitive to actions contrary to words.)

PUBERTY brings forth the reversal of a boy’s bonding sequence. In a months-long conversion of intentions, boys swing away from bonding as done in childhood. Developing rapidly and changing hormonally, they become far more independent and somewhat skilled at interpreting and shaping human relations to match their taste and intention. Claiming greater independence, they shift to bonding with whomever they find likeable and to whom they can be loyal. When ‘whomever’ reciprocates likeability and loyalty, newly bonded friends spread their wings and share feedback  with whatever arrangement they can develop through ever riskier adventures that bring both success and failure. They self-teach by taking advantage of girls without letting the girls know they are learning from the girls. (As girls go, so goes teen life and so goes society when they become adults.)

Simultaneously, the hunter-conqueror role develops and gains ever more importance throughout the teen years. The maturing boy becomes fascinated with sex and mission oriented toward conquests. He spreads his wings and interests to discover how to conquer girls. Through success and failure he develops a skill level that impacts his self-respect for later life.

Before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage follow at 2283 next.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex differences

2264. Compatibility Axioms #881-890

881. On separation or divorce, the key issue isn’t love but respect. Any successful recovery depends on his learning to respect her more than before, which means she has to earn respect she didn’t have before.

882. Her strategy of virtual virginity shifts and keeps all his attention focused on her. Automatically, it puts the man in his natural role of proving himself worthy of her.  [294]

883. Virtual virginity gives a woman time to impose her values and blend her relationship into a joint effort, because he’s willing to listen as he searches for her weaknesses to facilitate conquest. Ditto for an ex trying to reunite. [294]

884. If they separate or divorce and she wants him back, only virtual virginity works to her advantage. If they have sex anytime for any reason, he will not change and she will not earn more respect. [294]

885. Dealing with a separated or divorced ex, virtual virginity sets them up such that he has to conquer her again. Men will change to earn conquest but conqueror’s right stops further change.

886. If he really, truly, emphatically wants back his ex, he will change into a different man if she refuses sex until remarriage. Otherwise, he will just plead with wordy promises without changing himself to meet her expectations. [294]

887. Conquering a virgin is the ultimate, but not as women think. He’s first among his buds. It pads both ego and bragging rights.

888. This springs from adolescent thinking: If he conquers a true virgin superstar, his significance among peers skyrockets. First for conquest, second for having the independence to dump her. [294]

889. To the smarter woman, Mr. GoodEnough still isn’t good enough. She should not be convinced that he’s worthy of her until the honeymoon. Only then should she stop competing with him.

890. It’s relationship maintenance gone awry; blame or expect him to resolve whatever ails their two-way relationship. This doesn’t mean that he’s not due some blame, just that treating him as such is counterproductive. [298]


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, exes, sex differences

2263. Compatibility Axioms #871-880

871. The hotter the man, the more victims he leaves in his trail. But don’t blame him. More women try to please him without his having interest in them. [292]

872. As we observe today, masculine looks are very important to women, which causes manly character to deteriorate from lack of feminine appreciation, which causes marriage to deteriorate from lack of strong, character-reinforced, masculine fidelity.

873. The more a woman rejects the hunk, the harder he tries to win her. When he convinces her that he’s as special as he thinks—that is, she goes along to get along—she primes herself to be dumped. [292]

874. If she hopes to marry for life, even the hottest or richest guy should not qualify as good enough for her until they finish the ceremony at the altar.

875. Women are the relationship experts. To men changing partners is far simpler, easier, and more inviting than so-called relationship maintenance. [292]

876. Regarding women, a man doesn’t like or want to deal with the unfamiliar. His reticence or hesitancy promotes the woman to the dominant role.

877. Couples succeed as a couple primarily through her efforts, or she chose the wrong man. [292]

878. Men obligate themselves broader and deeper when sex is not cheap. [292]

879. Even though previously married, virtual virginity success lies with her friendly feminine charm and persistent refusal to have unmarried sex. If he won’t honor her wishes or forces himself on her, he’ll be worse after conquest, during shack up, and even after marriage. [294]

880. His ‘conqueror’s rights’ emerge after their first sex together. It’s as natural as her succumbing to his charm or looks. [294]

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, sex differences

2262. Compatibility Axioms #861-870

861. Women expect men to hear what was never said. Men cannot, will not, or do not follow a woman’s verbal meanderings and impreciseness as other women can, will, and do. [291]

862. People miss a major point about teaching abstinence for teens. Girls firm up their confidence, expand interpersonal skills, and boost their relationship expertise by repeatedly saying ‘No’. Boys learn what’s permissible, acceptable, and valuable in the female world. [291]

863. Prettier women are treated better, and any woman can be prettier. Clothes and grooming impress both men and women. [291]

864. It’s rhetorical, but why do women try so hard to please men with sex but not please them with feminine charm, beauty, and strength of character that men admire? Men admire beauty, but they use sex and it’s a throwaway. [291]

865. Shack up as substitute or step toward marriage puts a couple’s destiny in the man’s hands. (Also, eighty percent of marriages fail after cohabiting.) [291]

866. The easier a man’s conquest, the less valuable to him is the conquered. [292]

867. Sex is an emotional commodity that works like an economic one. The greater the supply, the lower the cost men pay in emotional involvement, time, effort, and courtship expense. [292]

868. The conqueror thinks more about ‘me’ than ‘you and me’. Denial of conquest first shifts a man’s focus seriously toward ‘us’. [292]

869. Functionality and comfort dictate what men wear and look like except as female influence and expectations dictate otherwise. [292]

870. Pressures of Feminism force men to change their behavior, but it does not change their nature. Men resent, resist, and retaliate one way or another. Individual women reap the consequences. [292]


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, sex differences

2258. Compatibility Axioms #821-830

821. He’s never eager to admit fault about his sexual prowess. Nor should he be excused, but she ventures onto rocky terrain when she brings it up. [281]

822. Commitment to a relationship does not mean she’s cherished. Neither does commitment energize a man the same way or extent that devotion does. Devotion begins cherishment; the more he devotes himself to her over his interests enables cherishment to grow. [281]

823. Men can be changed slowly but don’t always expect success. They dig in their heels when not done with the respect they expect and the indirectness and patience that makes her seem to defer to him. [281]

824. Men may be insensitive clods to women. But they consider their manly sexual expertise and boudoir manner to be exceptional if not extraordinary. To them, it makes up for their shortcomings.[281]

825. Virtual virginity works better than bed-testing before marriage. It conditions his thinking that she’s highly sensitive and possessive about what she expects of him. [281]

826. Women make unmarried sex so easy that men don’t have to pay attention to her needs, drives, and desires. But doubts arise about her history and worth for marriage, if she’s too easily conquered. [281]

827. What one generation allows, the next practices. [284]

828. Living by high moral standards reinforces a girl or woman as right, proper, and courageous. Not living that way makes her easy prey for abuse by boys and men. [284]

829. If she’s easy with sex, she’s of doubtful quality to the Marrying Man. [284]

830. Morality serves women and children much more than men. Highly moral cultural values apply pressure on everyone to make society more female friendly. [284]



Filed under Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, feminine, sex differences

2257. From Whence Comes Respect

Sir Eric at 2250 triggered this article. He said, “Before there was No-Fault Divorce, the wife’s behavior would have been legal grounds for a divorce, and now their husbands praise the same behavior!”

I quote from Wikipedia, “The earliest precedent in no-fault divorce laws was originally enacted in Russia shortly after the Bolshevik Revolution. …The purpose of the Soviet no-fault divorce laws was ideological, intended to revolutionize [transform?] society at every level. … California was the first U.S. state to adopt what are now called “no-fault” divorces in the United States in 1969.”

I hope to show that the damage to family stability and need of no-fault is caused by lack of mutual respect, in slight decline before no-fault but precipitously so ever since.

Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs progress, compete with other men to enable progress, and shape and control human events. To the male mind, women aren’t part of that competitive world, just supporters, witnesses, or interferers.

The male competitive nature prevents men from respecting other men until they earn it by accomplishments that symbolize their significance in the male world. Significance, for example, in personal associations, professions, workplaces, fathering, sports, home. IOW, by value-added indications of accomplishments and personal significance, men earn the respect of other men; they earn mutual masculine respect by doing.

Women also have to earn masculine respect. Not in terms of individual significance for doing things, however, but by making themselves of significant value to supporting a man’s ambitions. Some mixture of success as female achiever and ambition-aiding significance—in competition with other women—earns the respect of men.

It enables each man to find, evaluate, and mate with the most respectful after evaluating the most respectable in his own judgment. Yes, selecting a mate begins with his respect of her before love ever invades his heart. (Selecting her based on respect also helps husband this way; how well wife is respected by other men adds to both his self-respect and respect of men.)

Thus, a man’s respect of men revolves around accomplishments that kind of generate a pecking order that varies and guides men through each competitive event and day. A man’s respect of a woman depends on her ability to accomplish significant things of lasting interest to him.

A woman’s respect of a man emerges differently. She loves first and learns to respect later. His accomplishments are not the root of her respect. It accumulates from his success helping her confirm her sense of self-importance as person, woman, mother, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, bride, companion, and the other roles she fills in their life together.

Now watch this ladies and tell me if I’m wrong. She respects him as the result of her making him important in her life. To the extent he doesn’t fit well in her plans for shaping their relationship, she doesn’t respect him. IOW, for the most part, if their relationship sours, it’s his fault and he doesn’t deserve for her to respect him.

Therein lays one root of early divorce. He respects and loves her. His habits and faults hit her wrongly, don’t meet her expectations. She tries to change him and he resists. She becomes frustrated, which makes her feel incompetent, which makes her feel unimportant in his life, which stimulates her to not show respect for him, which he sees as reason to depart if she hasn’t already filed for a no-fault.

Consequently, mutual respect depends on wife finding and keeping respect for husband and not letting his behavior diminish her appreciation for their relationship.

Perception is reality in such cases; whatever appears to be, is. Immature women and those who lack patience judge their man too quickly as not respectable enough. They act accordingly, hubby detects it as ingratitude, her likeability begins to fade and his love to weaken. All of which kills mutual respect.

Women expect her and his love and men expect mutual loyalty and likeability to hold their relationship together. The common denominator, however, is respect. And unless it grows into mutual respect, the no-fault is not far behind.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, how she win, sex differences