Tag Archives: marriage

2282. My Mistake about a Man’s Love: Recovery I


Post 2266 described the essentials of masculine love as it begins at birth before sexual interest and sexual ability develop. I described it wrapped in simplicity this way. a) He finds her likeable and wants to be with her. b) For insurance against competitors, he makes himself loyal to her. She sees that as his being in love, but it’s not quite. c) He convinces himself that she finds him extremely likeable. d) He confirms to himself that she’s loyal to him exclusively. e) He gently slips into the role of being devoted to her, which is the version of his love that she needs before accepting his proposal.

However, I also wrote, “I bypass the consequences of conquest as it may or may not affect the following.” Then, I was diverted and promptly forgot to finish the job. I offer this more complete series as recovery.

I choose to start over and summarize both the characteristics and essentials for successful sexual involvement in masculine love. I cover it in six phases: birth, boyhood, puberty, before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage.

BIRTH brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation required for a man’s love to be sufficiently rewarding that he bonds with someone. That foundation—mutual likeability and mutual loyalty—is required throughout life for manly bonding with others.

Of course the definition of likeability spreads and impacts every interpersonal factor between two people. More later about how both sexes benefit.

BOYHOOD brings forth the ‘four-leg’ foundation but in reverse. Parents through both actions and words convince sons that they are very likeable and that parents are loyal to boyhood interests. Sons respond by finding parents equally likeable and aim their loyalty toward parents more than someone else. Thus, a boy’s ability to love and the intensity of it develops to the extent that parental actions primarily and words secondarily confirm son’s likeability. (Girls seem to regard words as more affirming but they are sensitive to actions contrary to words.)

PUBERTY brings forth the reversal of a boy’s bonding sequence. In a months-long conversion of intentions, boys swing away from bonding as done in childhood. Developing rapidly and changing hormonally, they become far more independent and somewhat skilled at interpreting and shaping human relations to match their taste and intention. Claiming greater independence, they shift to bonding with whomever they find likeable and to whom they can be loyal. When ‘whomever’ reciprocates likeability and loyalty, newly bonded friends spread their wings and share feedback  with whatever arrangement they can develop through ever riskier adventures that bring both success and failure. They self-teach by taking advantage of girls without letting the girls know they are learning from the girls. (As girls go, so goes teen life and so goes society when they become adults.)

Simultaneously, the hunter-conqueror role develops and gains ever more importance throughout the teen years. The maturing boy becomes fascinated with sex and mission oriented toward conquests. He spreads his wings and interests to discover how to conquer girls. Through success and failure he develops a skill level that impacts his self-respect for later life.

Before conquest, after conquest, and after marriage follow at 2283 next.

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2264. Compatibility Axioms #881-890


881. On separation or divorce, the key issue isn’t love but respect. Any successful recovery depends on his learning to respect her more than before, which means she has to earn respect she didn’t have before.

882. Her strategy of virtual virginity shifts and keeps all his attention focused on her. Automatically, it puts the man in his natural role of proving himself worthy of her.  [294]

883. Virtual virginity gives a woman time to impose her values and blend her relationship into a joint effort, because he’s willing to listen as he searches for her weaknesses to facilitate conquest. Ditto for an ex trying to reunite. [294]

884. If they separate or divorce and she wants him back, only virtual virginity works to her advantage. If they have sex anytime for any reason, he will not change and she will not earn more respect. [294]

885. Dealing with a separated or divorced ex, virtual virginity sets them up such that he has to conquer her again. Men will change to earn conquest but conqueror’s right stops further change.

886. If he really, truly, emphatically wants back his ex, he will change into a different man if she refuses sex until remarriage. Otherwise, he will just plead with wordy promises without changing himself to meet her expectations. [294]

887. Conquering a virgin is the ultimate, but not as women think. He’s first among his buds. It pads both ego and bragging rights.

888. This springs from adolescent thinking: If he conquers a true virgin superstar, his significance among peers skyrockets. First for conquest, second for having the independence to dump her. [294]

889. To the smarter woman, Mr. GoodEnough still isn’t good enough. She should not be convinced that he’s worthy of her until the honeymoon. Only then should she stop competing with him.

890. It’s relationship maintenance gone awry; blame or expect him to resolve whatever ails their two-way relationship. This doesn’t mean that he’s not due some blame, just that treating him as such is counterproductive. [298]

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2263. Compatibility Axioms #871-880


871. The hotter the man, the more victims he leaves in his trail. But don’t blame him. More women try to please him without his having interest in them. [292]

872. As we observe today, masculine looks are very important to women, which causes manly character to deteriorate from lack of feminine appreciation, which causes marriage to deteriorate from lack of strong, character-reinforced, masculine fidelity.

873. The more a woman rejects the hunk, the harder he tries to win her. When he convinces her that he’s as special as he thinks—that is, she goes along to get along—she primes herself to be dumped. [292]

874. If she hopes to marry for life, even the hottest or richest guy should not qualify as good enough for her until they finish the ceremony at the altar.

875. Women are the relationship experts. To men changing partners is far simpler, easier, and more inviting than so-called relationship maintenance. [292]

876. Regarding women, a man doesn’t like or want to deal with the unfamiliar. His reticence or hesitancy promotes the woman to the dominant role.

877. Couples succeed as a couple primarily through her efforts, or she chose the wrong man. [292]

878. Men obligate themselves broader and deeper when sex is not cheap. [292]

879. Even though previously married, virtual virginity success lies with her friendly feminine charm and persistent refusal to have unmarried sex. If he won’t honor her wishes or forces himself on her, he’ll be worse after conquest, during shack up, and even after marriage. [294]

880. His ‘conqueror’s rights’ emerge after their first sex together. It’s as natural as her succumbing to his charm or looks. [294]

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2262. Compatibility Axioms #861-870


861. Women expect men to hear what was never said. Men cannot, will not, or do not follow a woman’s verbal meanderings and impreciseness as other women can, will, and do. [291]

862. People miss a major point about teaching abstinence for teens. Girls firm up their confidence, expand interpersonal skills, and boost their relationship expertise by repeatedly saying ‘No’. Boys learn what’s permissible, acceptable, and valuable in the female world. [291]

863. Prettier women are treated better, and any woman can be prettier. Clothes and grooming impress both men and women. [291]

864. It’s rhetorical, but why do women try so hard to please men with sex but not please them with feminine charm, beauty, and strength of character that men admire? Men admire beauty, but they use sex and it’s a throwaway. [291]

865. Shack up as substitute or step toward marriage puts a couple’s destiny in the man’s hands. (Also, eighty percent of marriages fail after cohabiting.) [291]

866. The easier a man’s conquest, the less valuable to him is the conquered. [292]

867. Sex is an emotional commodity that works like an economic one. The greater the supply, the lower the cost men pay in emotional involvement, time, effort, and courtship expense. [292]

868. The conqueror thinks more about ‘me’ than ‘you and me’. Denial of conquest first shifts a man’s focus seriously toward ‘us’. [292]

869. Functionality and comfort dictate what men wear and look like except as female influence and expectations dictate otherwise. [292]

870. Pressures of Feminism force men to change their behavior, but it does not change their nature. Men resent, resist, and retaliate one way or another. Individual women reap the consequences. [292]

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2258. Compatibility Axioms #821-830


821. He’s never eager to admit fault about his sexual prowess. Nor should he be excused, but she ventures onto rocky terrain when she brings it up. [281]

822. Commitment to a relationship does not mean she’s cherished. Neither does commitment energize a man the same way or extent that devotion does. Devotion begins cherishment; the more he devotes himself to her over his interests enables cherishment to grow. [281]

823. Men can be changed slowly but don’t always expect success. They dig in their heels when not done with the respect they expect and the indirectness and patience that makes her seem to defer to him. [281]

824. Men may be insensitive clods to women. But they consider their manly sexual expertise and boudoir manner to be exceptional if not extraordinary. To them, it makes up for their shortcomings.[281]

825. Virtual virginity works better than bed-testing before marriage. It conditions his thinking that she’s highly sensitive and possessive about what she expects of him. [281]

826. Women make unmarried sex so easy that men don’t have to pay attention to her needs, drives, and desires. But doubts arise about her history and worth for marriage, if she’s too easily conquered. [281]

827. What one generation allows, the next practices. [284]

828. Living by high moral standards reinforces a girl or woman as right, proper, and courageous. Not living that way makes her easy prey for abuse by boys and men. [284]

829. If she’s easy with sex, she’s of doubtful quality to the Marrying Man. [284]

830. Morality serves women and children much more than men. Highly moral cultural values apply pressure on everyone to make society more female friendly. [284]

 

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2257. From Whence Comes Respect


Sir Eric at 2250 triggered this article. He said, “Before there was No-Fault Divorce, the wife’s behavior would have been legal grounds for a divorce, and now their husbands praise the same behavior!”

I quote from Wikipedia, “The earliest precedent in no-fault divorce laws was originally enacted in Russia shortly after the Bolshevik Revolution. …The purpose of the Soviet no-fault divorce laws was ideological, intended to revolutionize [transform?] society at every level. … California was the first U.S. state to adopt what are now called “no-fault” divorces in the United States in 1969.”

I hope to show that the damage to family stability and need of no-fault is caused by lack of mutual respect, in slight decline before no-fault but precipitously so ever since.

Men are driven to compete against Nature when it obstructs progress, compete with other men to enable progress, and shape and control human events. To the male mind, women aren’t part of that competitive world, just supporters, witnesses, or interferers.

The male competitive nature prevents men from respecting other men until they earn it by accomplishments that symbolize their significance in the male world. Significance, for example, in personal associations, professions, workplaces, fathering, sports, home. IOW, by value-added indications of accomplishments and personal significance, men earn the respect of other men; they earn mutual masculine respect by doing.

Women also have to earn masculine respect. Not in terms of individual significance for doing things, however, but by making themselves of significant value to supporting a man’s ambitions. Some mixture of success as female achiever and ambition-aiding significance—in competition with other women—earns the respect of men.

It enables each man to find, evaluate, and mate with the most respectful after evaluating the most respectable in his own judgment. Yes, selecting a mate begins with his respect of her before love ever invades his heart. (Selecting her based on respect also helps husband this way; how well wife is respected by other men adds to both his self-respect and respect of men.)

Thus, a man’s respect of men revolves around accomplishments that kind of generate a pecking order that varies and guides men through each competitive event and day. A man’s respect of a woman depends on her ability to accomplish significant things of lasting interest to him.

A woman’s respect of a man emerges differently. She loves first and learns to respect later. His accomplishments are not the root of her respect. It accumulates from his success helping her confirm her sense of self-importance as person, woman, mother, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, bride, companion, and the other roles she fills in their life together.

Now watch this ladies and tell me if I’m wrong. She respects him as the result of her making him important in her life. To the extent he doesn’t fit well in her plans for shaping their relationship, she doesn’t respect him. IOW, for the most part, if their relationship sours, it’s his fault and he doesn’t deserve for her to respect him.

Therein lays one root of early divorce. He respects and loves her. His habits and faults hit her wrongly, don’t meet her expectations. She tries to change him and he resists. She becomes frustrated, which makes her feel incompetent, which makes her feel unimportant in his life, which stimulates her to not show respect for him, which he sees as reason to depart if she hasn’t already filed for a no-fault.

Consequently, mutual respect depends on wife finding and keeping respect for husband and not letting his behavior diminish her appreciation for their relationship.

Perception is reality in such cases; whatever appears to be, is. Immature women and those who lack patience judge their man too quickly as not respectable enough. They act accordingly, hubby detects it as ingratitude, her likeability begins to fade and his love to weaken. All of which kills mutual respect.

Women expect her and his love and men expect mutual loyalty and likeability to hold their relationship together. The common denominator, however, is respect. And unless it grows into mutual respect, the no-fault is not far behind.

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2255. Interface of Natural Love, Husband and Wife


Her Highness Prettybeans asked me to clarify #818 in article 2253. It says, “You can focus on the big things that hold a couple together—love, friendship, commitment. However, you’ll do better to focus on avoiding, quieting, and suppressing the little unacceptable irritants, fixations, and offensive habits that slowly shred love into bits and pieces.”

The continually linked interface of his and her love in the home is very complex, so this won’t be clear unless I’m up front, blunt, and candid again. I describe two spouses idealized by their male and female natures—as if they were born already married. It won’t match you and yours, but you may be able to figure out how you can use some of the following.

The wife whether dealing with husband or not focuses on love, commitment, cooperation, friendship, devotion, and she hopes to be cherished. Such emotional connections are vital to her. For the most part, she thinks and depends more on words to substitute for actions and to recover from wrongful actions. ‘I love you’. ‘I’m so proud of you’. ‘I apologize’. ‘Oh, you’re so strong’. ‘Man, you look handsome’. The words mean everything to her. She feels good about herself when she uses them. In fact, she benefits more than husband does.

You see, wife doesn’t love husband because he needs it. He doesn’t need her love as she imagines it. He expects her to like him as her mate and be loyal to him and his interests. By their nature, sons and females need her love, and many men in successful marriages learn to need it. Wife loves all of them because she feels good about herself, she makes herself important by loving them. It satisfies her prime motivation to earn self-importance. (When others are grateful for her importance, the feedback satisfies her need for self-importance.)

Husband doesn’t spend mental energy on major emotional connections—love, devotion, relationship, marriage, etc. Those things just exist and he takes them for granted. He doesn’t depend on words to form or convey his feelings but on his actions. It’s another paradox. Husband is direct by character and habit but expresses his feelings indirectly with actions. Wife is indirect by nature but expresses her feelings directly with words. Her words make her feel good and compensate for having to use her reservoir of patience to follow her natural indirectness.

Wife’s words to husband seldom generate his self-admiration, which is the prime motivator of men. Even his own words seldom earn self-admiration except maybe when he wins an argument with his self-proclaimed superior logic and reason. (Or, reprehensibly, when used for immoral purposes as other men often do—players seducing women, manipulating someone, deceiving others.)

A successful marriage is easily symbolized by this analogy. They fit together as two spoons, both literally and figuratively. Wife experiences it in bed literally as the intimate crown on a great life or another great day with him. He visualizes it as two-spoons bonded in life to shape his future and accomplish his ambitions, a figurative representation of what he bought into by marrying her. It’s another God-designed and Nature-endowed paradox. Wife is primarily focused on the future and he primarily on the present. Yet, when he thinks of the future she’s figuratively tucked in nice and neat in his embrace and the present is beautiful. She has the intimate bedtime moment in the present that brightens her future.

Husband takes her for granted. He doesn’t even think about judging wife until she disturbs his willingness to live with the disappointing actions that she repeats. That is, wife does fine until husband objects. Her words of attention, affection, and love are nice but neither motivate nor satisfy him. She feels great expressing them, but he’s not nearly so energized by them. He judges more her negatives than her positives. The latter he takes for granted because he earned them by giving up his independence. The former remind that he did or may have made a mistake marrying her, and his mind should never get to thinking in that direction. (It switches on his ‘achievement meter’ to do something about it.)

Neat and well-functioning castle, her eagerness to get him in bed, ability to capture and hold friends, ability to mother kids successfully, her smiling countenance and pleasant demeanor. Those a man appreciates; those and many more similar actions confirm her words about the ‘big things’ of love, devotion, etc.

Husband considers home a problem-free zone except for those involved with his personal responsibility. Wife problems are not his; he married because she is so capable.

As to the little things that she should focus on avoiding, preventing, and recovering, the following merely start a list. She complains all the time about every little thing. Never smiles. Sourpuss. Always late. Words don’t match her actions. Smirks at others’ faults. Won’t or can’t cook. Won’t keep the castle clean enough. Can’t nurture kids out of their bad times. Nags him. Won’t accept her responsibility but expects others to fulfill theirs. Reminds constantly about honey-do list. Counts on someone else to recover from her mistakes. Shameful personal appearance compared to courtship. Is very moody. Anger spoils family togetherness. Let’s frustrations control her life.

Within each item on that list are connected daily actions that irritate, confuse, and offend husband. None disqualifies her, but having to live with repeated episodes of just a few is enough for husband to start thinking about life without her.

Of course, wife is entitled to live her life as she sees fit. The point here is merely that husband makes judgments about her actions. Each complaint is an action. Each frustrated outburst is an action. Each smirk is an action. Failure to smile when teased about sex is a disappointing action. Letting kids have their own way is action. Alibis and explanations are accepted more as words than actions, which means they are essentially ineffective to convince husband that wife is right or justified.

So that I don’t confuse, I summarize by reducing all of the above to two concepts over which wife has control—her love and husband’s disappointments. The more her actions reflect love, the more likeable she is. The more her love is weakened by things that disappoint him, the less likeable she is.

Husband’s love is founded on respect and begins with his loyalty to wife because she’s so likeable to him. As her likeability diminishes, guess what happens to his love. And that, dear Prettybeans, is the essence of keeping a family together. He hangs around her for the loving and loveable actions that she uses to spread pleasantness and joy of living around his castle. Her reward comes from harmonizing relationship and family around those things that make her likeable to both herself and husband. IOW, she enables herself to feel good about herself from her actions rather than depending on her words.

Yes, successful wife plays to husband’s expectations by using her interpersonal expertise, natural adjustability, sense of survivability, and almost musical ability to orchestrate harmony in both relationship and home. It’s another paradox. She gets what she wants just by keeping him from getting ticked off all the time, which INDIRECTLY programs his heart with how lucky he is to have her.

But a word of caution. Wife can easily overdo it. If she’s too submissive, too much a lap dog to his desires, too weak to stand up for herself, too unwilling to risk losing him, then her actions take her in the wrong direction. She may still be likeable, but she loses husband’s respect, which is the foundation of masculine love.

I know you think I put by far the heavier burden on the wife. But consider this before making your final conclusion.

  • Wife’s nature empowers her and programs her heart to do what men can’t do.
  • Marriage was developed to enable wife to brighten her future with husband in the most reliable way for longevity and probable success.
  • Her natural adjustability and survivability enable wife to overcome the weaknesses of husband that work against family togetherness and longevity.
  • Husband, being primarily a producer, is great at accomplishments. But wife, being primarily a processor, is best qualified to integrate manly accomplishments with the unexpected changes in the process of married life.
  • Either members of the superior gender flex their feminine strength in order to balance the dominance of the other gender, or male dominance over time works inevitably in the direction of enslaving women.
  • There are two conditions required to contain male dominance within a suitable balance for fairness between the sexes, marriage and the absence of unmarried sex.
  • If wives don’t dominate the culture, society follows the lead of male dominance. Morality and religious values are the mainstays of feminine leadership in cultural values, standards, and expectations for society. It takes feminine and wifely leadership to convince men to live up to someone bigger than themselves, specifically God, wife, children, country, culture.

Love, commitment, friendship, cooperation, devotion, and cherished females do not achieve their worth in society until and unless women convince men to live up to someone bigger than themselves. Only wives have enough access to and influence with the male heart and mind to achieve it. Men disappointed with their wives lose interest in doing what wives want and expect.

I hate to end on that sour note, but modern women are making it happen. Unmarried sex discourages marriage and without marriage we don’t have enough wives to change the direction of America. When sex for pleasure prevails, marriage fails.

Whatever comes of country and marriage in the future, the key interface will be that between male and female love as God designed, Nature endows, and hormones energize. Bless you ladies for carrying on to preserve what went before and used to protect women in the U.S. better than anywhere else in the world or in history.

I kind of got carried away, ladies, and covered too much ground in one post. Unfortunately for you, it’s not the end of either my writing or personal weaknesses.

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