Category Archives: sex differences

2178. Dating in Mid-life — Part D2: You All Differ


In the realm of describing men to you, we start with how you differ. Let it shape your thinking as we later move into describing how to interact with men.

Men don’t love as you do. Both sexes are born hard-headed. However, you’re born soft-hearted and he’s born hard-hearted. Unless you allow yourself to be totally dominated, your soft-heartedness enables you to lure him into a long courtship/marriage that softens his hard-headedness, which over time with aging mellows his persona into Mr. Right.

Boil love down to one operative term and you find that yours is affection, his is loyalty. But notice too, that’s what you primarily expect from the other but not what the other prefers to deliver. Men sense little duty to deliver affection unless trained better by you. Women prefer to deliver love, affection, and closeness, which men don’t appreciate all that much. Men expect respect, gratefulness, and dependence, which you don’t deliver all that well.

A man doesn’t seriously think of marriage until four issues tickle his curiosity, flood his imagination with self-talk about likely outcomes, and promise to satisfy his expectations living with someone. 1) You will or will not be conquered without marriage. 2) Your combined virtues display great promise for maintaining his home and supporting whatever he does to advance his ambitions both with work and other people for whom he accepts responsibility aka duty. 3) You outshine most other women. As he imagines it, you’re obviously dedicated to upholding your virtuous nature at least to the promise of being faithful to him. Not just sexually but cooperatively, encouragingly, and inspiringly. 4) He’s considering investing himself into life with you, so can he be totally confident that he’s not making a mistake? Are your really who he thinks you are? Can he really become with you what he intends to be as husband and father?

That’s in the foreground, in the conscious process of a man who’s willing to think of getting married. The fascinating part takes place in the background, in his heart.

At your first encounter, or development of mutual interest, two conquerors face off. One seeks conquest, the other seeks marriage, and both hide their agendas. A man first likes you because of what he sees and hears from you. It’s your sexual attractiveness, emotional attractiveness, and likeability rolled into one, and he fully expects you to remain that way always with him. You make attraction mutual with immediate or slow-to-develop infatuation that begins with his good looks or his interest in you.

He spots and hears two likeable features, which we have to separate in order to describe what follows here over the next few days. 1) You’re sexually attractive but push it aside except when specifically mentioned below. The urge to conquer always lurks, and we need to push it into the background of the background to grasp the full meaning of his other motivations. 2) You’re emotionally attractive, which for the most part to men means that you’re likeable, pleasant, and quick to listen and admire him. Consequently, he springs into action, so let the pursuit begin. You’re willing as long as you feel important relative to him.

He pursues with conscious thoughts of making you like him, while he looks for weakness that can be used to convince you into bed. He focuses on the former, while the latter lurks beneath the surface. While looking for weakness, surprisingly, he uncovers qualities that he admires. Example: You’re smart. You eat ‘slimingly’. You talk well, like his jokes, and smile into his eyes.

His search for weakness gets pushed further into background mode by newly discovered qualities worthy of his admiration, which to him are virtues, which combine over time to make you a virtuous woman, which can then morph into fascination, which comes across as wifely potential. To the extent your virtues accumulate, his respect for you grows, and a man’s love is based on respect. To the extent that your virtuous likeability and fascination continue as he expects, then his intuitive opposition to marriage starts to crumble.

Contrary to how modern women behave, women compete with other women to win a man. When they compete with men—except about their first sex together—they don’t score very well. The importance of your likeability and his desire to marry flows out of ‘comparison shopping’. He sees you in competition with other women. When you outshine them, he more ardently admires your features, traits, and habits that are so uniquely attractive-to-him. Your actions demonstrate dedication to your virtues and persuade him of your sincerity, trustworthiness, and faithfulness and convince him that you’re better for him than his independence and other women.

Who you’re dealing with will be posted tomorrow as 2179.

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2171. Mid-life Dating — C6: Internal Burnout aka Bowel Distress


Surprise, ladies. I can’t hazard a guess of how many, but some of you may not be healthy enough for uninterrupted dates. So, I hereby stick my neck into an arena for which I’m unqualified by normal standards. I admit the chivalry articles partially inspired this opinion piece.

Disclosures:

  • You’ll think I’m crazy, but stick around for a highly unusual and perhaps controversial or perhaps worthless example of What Women Never Hear.
  • I’m neither a medical doctor nor other medical professional. However, I’ve studied human nature and motivation for 64 years. The following describes my analysis of bad habits of thought and emotion that lead to poor body functioning, specifically that which leads to frequent bowel disturbances.
  • I neither understand nor describe the process that happens. I just identify likely causes of adverse bowel functioning that plague some men and women. I leave the details to medical professionals, while I focus on causes and the behavioral changes that can relieve discomfort.
  • Let me know what you think. Those of you or who know someone with continual bowel distress, see if I am pretty close to identifying your or their causal habits. Everything is relative and nothing is precise.

Our physical condition is a function of what we eat. Our body functions are impacted, sometimes severely, by the result of how we feel and think about emotional matters. The following causes ‘internal burnout’, the result of special kinds of anxiety, to which I attribute bowel disturbances.

I choose self-image as the concept around which to explain causes. Self-image, the picture we each have of ourselves, governs our lives. We assiduously live within that picture of who we are and what we do, can do, and expect to do. We are motivated to pursue our self-interest, and our self-image contains our guiding beliefs and juggles our emotions to match our pursuit. If we fall out of line with it, or in effect contradict our self-image, we correct or rationalize deviations. We see normal functioning in this truism: If you think you can, you can, and you act accordingly. If you think you can’t, you’re right, and so you choose to do something else.

While it can’t be called faulty, some people’s self-image interferes with the proper functioning of their bodies. That’s where this is headed. What might the causes be of the symptoms that adversely disturb bowel functions?

Let’s look at it under four headings.

  1. Internalizing. We should all know about this factor that plagues both introverts and extroverts. Many people focus too much on themselves. Their thoughts turn inward with personal concerns. They focus mostly on negative functions; they worry, agonize, and find faults in relationships, jobs, and their body. Thoughts such as, this ain’t right, that doesn’t work right, that hurts a little, it could be serious, and what am I to do? And worst of all, they focus far too much on things and about people they can do nothing about. Such as, how do I make someone like me? How do I impress them? How do I hide my bad side? How can I help someone, when I have the same fault?

Some people are so vulnerable to internalizing that it consumes their spare time. It causes them to fall prey to stirred-up emotions and hormones, enzymes, and digestive juices in excessive doses that act almost as if foreign to one’s GI tract and connected functions. It’s not what they internalize so much as too much of it. Not good, but then most of us have learned about the repercussions of too much worry, and so nothing new in all that. It’s just my recap of what too much internalizing leads to.

  1. Guilt. Women live continually with guilt. Much of it reminds of their bad side, which stirs certain guilt to plague their spare time. Their focus on it intensifies by internalizing about their relationships.

Men are less prone. Their guilt swings mostly around their actions and independence. Guilt doesn’t make them bad, it stirs them to action. I’m not good enough, or I should do better; I have to try harder. Or, how do I handle that SOB or hide my cheating? A man’s sense of independence disconnects others from his guilt; he’s more a loner to relieve it. He can more easily than women take action that relieves guilt. Women have no such ‘easy release’ because their guilt is tied to someone else; they’re less independent.

  1. Judging. This is new ground for readers. People don’t naturally talk along these lines. Too personal, too descriptive of our personal motivation, which is not usually a discussable subject. You may find yourself uncomfortable.

We judge and it takes place in two ways. Part of the shaping of our self-image is judging ourselves. It’s usually not much of a contribution to internal burnout, because natural pressures push us and sense of independence enables us to do something about it. (Example: I have to lose weight, dress more attractively, smile more, get a better job, give spouse more attention.) We are the only ones involved with fixing whatever we judge to need it. Action displaces disappointed emotions, and so we learn to either fix or accept and live with the rest. Internalizing about it usually does not make us sick.

But some people make themselves sick by ‘comparison shopping’. That is, judging themselves relative to others.

We are always in the process of judging others; it’s required for our own safety. For some, it gets out of hand. It’s an irresistible urge for all of us. But those vulnerable to internal burnout find themselves excessively wanting or lacking. It self-demeans their worth and belittles their picture of themselves.

Such people fuss with themselves. Not to work on recovery, but to stew about comparative shortcomings that can’t be fixed. Stewing takes less courage and steadfastness than to change habits, create different beliefs, develop new behaviors, or just take actions that keep one busy enough to divert attention from internal stewing.

They find themselves unhappy with what they do, want to do, or can do. Their self-image shrinks relative to others, while their self-interest urges them to do better. Confusion exacerbates anxiety, which invites more stewing.

  1. Image Projection. There are two kinds to be covered, do it for yourself or for others.

a) Imagine one’s abilities and qualities to be different for the sole purpose of pleasing oneself. (I suggest the book The Magic of Thinking Big.) You can become a much better, powerful, influential person without inducing illness. The difference is this. You have to do it for no one but yourself.

b) Do it for others and you can too easily induce illness. Some people develop their behaviors and habits in order to generate an image to others that just isn’t what’s in their hearts. They don’t have to be phony or out to fool people so much as to convince themselves of who they are or want to be relative to others. They worry constantly even if they are being successful. They just want to be better instead of somebody definite, so there is no end to their internalizing about it.

Essentially, they are wannabes, such as women to be prettier or more important, guys to be more respected or admirable, alphas to be easily recognized as such, or who they really are as person to be hidden. Their internal problems come from this phenomenon; they set an objective, which is a process without an end, and so they manage progress, which induces internalizing, which impacts their gut.

Too much internalizing of emotional issues, excessive guilt, unproductive judging, and convincing others of one’s qualities cause internal burnout. Deliberately change your actions and you change your feelings. Deliberately change your feelings and you change your thinking and vice versa. Deliberately change your behaviors and you change your habits. Deliberately change them all and you can calm if not end bowel disturbances and malfunctioning. Then, you’re healthier for mid-life dating.

Deliberately changing oneself is very difficult for men. Not so for women, whom I advise this way. Change first to quit thinking in parallel with or emulating man-think and masculine values, standards, and expectations. If you return to specialize in your feminine nature, you can more easily and deliberately change the makeup of your beliefs and emotions in ways that are healthier.

Finally, there’s even a simpler way. When believers sin they can take it to the Lord and be forgiven. When people disappoint others, they seek forgiveness from the disappointed or offended. However, too many people can’t forgive themselves; they don’t think they deserve it. It intensifies their internalizing, which almost automatically stops with true forgiveness of oneself. Whether through the Lord or self, forgiveness generates better health.

 

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2166. Dating in Mid-life — Part C4: Fail to Plan and You Plan to Fail


Dating success follows certain principles that govern the interaction for a developing relationship. Many functions are key.

You’re the tick, he’s the tock. You specialize in showing interest in him and then listening. You respect and enable him to communicate directly and you respond as indirectly as polite. He’s selling himself, so let him. If necessary, you show interest in him and he responds. You enable him to lead and make your spirit of cooperation to shine in his favor.

Howsomeever, as I used to hear country folk declare an upcoming contrary thought, you compete directly and even get in his face if necessary to 1) defend your sexual standards and expectations against his insistence and persistence, or 2) terminate what’s happening and put an end to the date or relationship.

Forget these two things that mean so much to you.

  1. You can’t make him like you, especially if you try. Trying alone makes you do the wrong things. Example: Relying on three little words may help but it’s really insignificant; men judge on actions primarily and seldom on words. Be yourself. Make him win your affection, make himself worthy of you; he doesn’t appreciate unearned gifts.
  2. Don’t try to impress him and don’t even disclose whatever affection you may have for him, except to say you like him—somewhat, starting to, perhaps even teasingly, but never a helluva lot. Mystery, remember? To like him some and respect him a lot are enough for him. He believes it better anyway if he figures for himself that your actions signify your affection to be real.

Instead of affection, express your admiration. That’s what he’s after. The masculine counterpoint to the female’s determined affection for sharing affection is earning self-admiration and yours is appreciated. Admiration simply registers with men more deeply than affection.

He either likes you as you are—virtues and shortcomings—and wants to keep you by his side. Or he doesn’t. When you’re being your true self, you can’t do much more to keep him alongside. If he quits selling himself to you, it’s all over. If you try to sell yourself to him, you act like a pushover, and his objective shifts to sex, which makes you booty or disposable after conquest.

Don’t be phony. A marriage likely won’t succeed very long if the wife shows up as different from the bride he married. So, phoniness is destructive long-range although you may gain some benefits in the near term.

Be quick to defend yourself instinctively and intuitively against any offense to your sense of good order and self-discipline, his displeasing you, embarrassing you, and especially his disrespecting you. Those things you don’t want to live with need to be disclosed when they first appear. The more you stand up for yourself pleasantly but uncompromisingly, the more respect you will earn and a man’s love is based on respect for women generally and you specifically.

Two things hold a man’s attention long enough to impress him with your respectability: refusing sex and standing up strongly for your dignity, values, and standards as both person and woman. Your objections not only earn his respect but make him uncomfortable, and discomfort changes a man’s behavior to favor you.

Out of all the above, you focus, perhaps re-learn some things and unlearn others, and use your superior relationship expertise to guide and shape dates into progressive steps of relationship development. It’s easy for me to spout it on screen, but you get both the fun and anxiety.

 

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2163. Dating in Mid-life — Part C1: Improve Vision of Self


You no doubt are a good person, woman, and potential date. Make yourself better before the mirror, however, and three dramatic changes follow. 1) You like yourself better, which enables you to internalize less and associate more easily and likeably. 2) Your attractive likeability enlarges in the eyes of men. 3) You increase your worth as a potential mate. Then the hard work begins; you have more men to screen for Mr. Good Enough.

Mid-life dating is not what you expect. Your normal expectations base it on age-adjusted wishes, hopes, and dreams held over from girlhood. Such as, you deserve this, you promise that, you can love again, you can make a man happy. But four possible weaknesses are embedded there.

  1. What you think you deserve is of little interest to a guy, until he confirms or figures it out that you are respected—as person, woman, and roles you can imaginatively fill in his life—and, therefore, may deserve his attention and loyalty.
  2. Your words of promise mean little or nothing. They might make him feel good for awhile, but your actions are what he perceives as promising to brighten his life. Actions work better than words to hold him. (But don’t go overboard to impress him or suck up. Be relatively cool and perhaps a little standoffish. Make him work to attract you to him. He and not you should show eagerness. You’re the buyer and have to make him the seller.)
  3. Your love does not hold a man. He may see promise in it, which might help you capture him. But your actions that flow out of your love and satisfy him are the ones that keep him interested in you more than just as a sex object. (For example, making yourself pleasant, comforting, and perhaps even entertaining just to be around. Divert his mind away from his single life.)
  4. Men are not interested in being happy as you think of it, e.g., upbeat and joyful. Their counterpart to your happiness is just plain old unemotional satisfaction with themselves. Men should see capturing you as a great accomplishment. They pursue self-admiration out of which grows an endless stream of satisfaction with who they are and what they do. So, exploiting their energy is supposed to earn admiration and satisfaction. Multiplying their satisfaction brings significance. Is that important? Well, their greatest fear is loss of significance, so not earning satisfaction associating with you must be disappointing.

Tune up your mind before you tune up your heart. He’s not into dating or a relationship because you need him, are lonely, can please him regularly, or even that you can or do love him. He dates and continues a relationship with you because he earns self-admiration, determines that your actions signify loyalty to who he is and what he does, and all that leads to his self-satisfaction.

Setting aside for the moment his desire to conquer you, in your presence he feels comfortable. He finds you likeable and fun to be around, respects you, admires himself for having you ‘belong’ to him. When not in your presence, he enjoys more whatever he’s doing, thinks of you and smiles, finds self-admiration more easily at his work because his spirit lifts with thoughts of you. Such small emotional uplifts satisfy him that he’s right for associating with you. It’s not your love that will capture and hold him, but your attention to the details that provide those small uplifts and prove your loyalty to him and his life. Men believe what they figure out by  themselves. (Your rewards come later and sometimes much later.)

Also, you should be aiming at all that on the first face-to-face encounter. If such recognitions are resident in your heart—that is, you know who you are, who he is likely to be, and what you will deliver to and accept from him—then you’re ready to be invited into the dating arena.

Three of your features prompt first date invitations. Your sexual attractiveness, your emotional attractiveness/likeable appearance, and your sense of importance to yourself out of which reflects an attitude that men find interesting. Younger men want to see an attitude of sexual promise. Middle age men are attracted by prospects of endearing associations that enable them to try again, reinvent their lives, or recover from past mistakes. Elders mostly long for a good woman aka comfortable companion or vice versa.

Out of all those are the unique men you should find most appealing for your relationship hopes. Looking for weaknesses to get you into bed, they are surprised to discover mystery, modesty, femininity, monogamous loyalty, female uniqueness, and other qualities they can admire aka virtues. Which makes you virtuous and men want to marry a virtuous woman. IOW, they find so many virtues that they can’t refuse you and you get to choose to buy the most qualified guy who matches your expectations. Admittedly, it may take a lot of dates for all that to unfold.

From the get go, be prepared and know how you will handle your infatuation that may appear even late in life. Not with teen intensity but enough that it clouds your reason and judgment. Remember, there is no Mr. Right until you have lived with him for many years and he morphs toward what you dreamed of. Today, you should look for Mr. Good Enough.

NOTE for you younger ladies. If you get accused of being a prude or old fashioned, study article 1708. You can use it to make men uncomfortable, which will change the behavior of those interested primarily in you.

Next is about planning. Tomorrow at #2164.

 

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2161. Dating in Mid-life — Part B5: Conquest and Marriage Matrix


At 2159 Her Highness Emma wondered if “higher urges of sex drive or need for admiration” dismisses the urge for a long term union. I’m not sure alpha-ness, testosterone, or any other single feature is the ‘determinator’ of either a man’s drive to specialize at conquering women or his preference for a short or long term marriage.

A dating man can never completely know you. Conquest convinces that he knows you quite well enough to deal with you as he desires. On the other hand, the better you know men and learn to know one without having to yield, the greater your advantage. I know women are better readers of men than the other way around. While the table below may seem too abstract, it may well help you along.

The table presents the dating arena as three dimensional: conquest, marriage, and time, presuming that both sexes will appear slightly different at different times. It reflects the combination of mental ingredients and psychic determinations that I think contribute the most motivational force in each direction of the dating arena.

 HOW MEN PURSUE CONQUEST AND MARRIAGE  Self-esteem: How well he likes (high), regrettably dislikes (low), or even loathes himself (lowest) as a person.  Self-image: Picture he has of himself as an effective and easily satisfied man or, perhaps, the opposite, or somewhere in between.

 

Self-interest: His personal intentions and goals that urge him to action and inaction; the same way self- interest motivates everyone.
High interest in conquering many women. Low or lowest self-esteem; he can’t highly esteem others until they prove themselves highly worthy of respect and maybe not even then.

 

Dominant self-image; uses it to prove himself superior to women and men he can dominate or outcompete. Uses sexual excitement and achievement to earn self-admiration, personal satisfaction, and significance.
Low interest in conquering many women. High self-esteem; shares it by readily respecting others; has special esteem and even respect for the weaker sex. Self-assured self-image; satisfied with who he is and what he does; needs little from women because he can be easily satisfied by one.

 

Has other challenges than frequent conquests; other goals have better return on investment for his time and effort.
Not interested in long-term marriage; thinks more of not closing off options. Low or lowest self-esteem; has very limited ability to like others for very long time; tires easily of familiar personalities; seeks excitement.

 

Poorly defined self-image; easily frustrated and keeps options open to escape easily at his discretion. Has broad rather than deep interest in marriage; keeps options open to easily shift from tiring to fresh challenges.
Interested in long-term marriage; willing to commit with expectations for life. High self-esteem; likes himself so well he readily and enjoyably shares his likeability. Self-energizing picture of himself; eager to step up to greater responsibility. Envisions pleasurable life in companionship and challenge of greater responsibility especially for others.

 

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2155 — Compatibility Axioms #691-700


691. Whatever embarrasses a woman reveals her heart-felt and unchanging modest nature. When she tries to overcome or ignore it for a man, she misses earning his respect, which enlarges his dominion over her.  [237]

692. Female modesty rigidly enforced is the strongest natural counterbalance to male domination. She wins as a person entitled to equal respect by defending her modest nature competitively with other persons also due respect even with their immodesty. [237]

693. The second strongest counterbalance is a woman’s self-respect and determination to stand up for herself, her dignity, her claims for the proper alignment of things in her life. She wins a man’s respect by defending her values, standards, and expectations competitively as a woman standing up for herself and making him take the back seat to her character.

694. The third strongest counterbalance is a woman’s actions that prove her loyalty to, respect of, and dependence on a man. All displayed with an attitude of gratitude for who he is and what he does. Thus, she wins indirect influence by not competing over who has the dominant role. [237]

695. Her lack of values, standards, and expectations means that she follows her man’s. The lower his are, the more that testosterone and male dominance direct his life. It makes their life together ever harder for her to upgrade. [237]

696. She comes across as respectable, courageous, and strong—and maybe and unfortunately disposable—when she repeatedly has the strength to say ‘No’ to conquest. [237]

697. (This is one of my favorites.) As one woman claimed, Femininity adds color to a man’s black and white world. (Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, 2003, PAX Programs, Inc. Sherman Oaks, CA , p.151) [244]

698. She makes her single self worthy of a man and thus becomes seller instead of buyer. This clicks her for the recycle bin, although he may not dump her until later.  [244]

699. By conqueror’s right he takes control of their sexual agenda. She needs to own it until marriage, because it lays firm groundwork for counterbalancing his dominance after marriage. [244]

700. Men separate sex from the gal. It’s natural because the urge to conquer obscures the person behind the sex target. She only has to be known well enough to convince her into bed. Women let men get by with it by not requiring a well-developed and deeper relationship before yielding. [244]

P.S. The series on dating in mid-life is still in preparation. Coming soon to a screen near you.

 

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2151. Politics of Sex


Her Highness Krysie at 2149 wondered why the interpersonal results from fellatio were different from those from cunnilingus. I tackle the issue from both the political and sex difference viewpoints.

Love and passion are not the only soul mates in the bedroom. As the Marxists used to say, Everything is political except politics, and that’s personal. Ditto for the bed. His dominant gender vs. her superior gender makes it political. Who’s the boss of two equals? Who gets the other to do what he or she wants? Of course, love and passion add flavor and determine some of the outcome, but the underwritten truth is they are in competition regarding sex and memories carry forward. Who gets their way, when one seeks to take their togetherness into a new arena? Who is the most sensitive about where they are expected to go, and who is most likely to have to go against their sensibilities?

We have to look to their natures, how they are born differently both in heart and mind. The bed does not make their natures more alike. Women, guided by their hearts, don’t by nature see sexual relations as men do, although lessons learned in life can change all that. But here I describe their natures as likely to interact in the bedroom.

Before marriage they compete as she justifiably refuses to yield and it’s acceptable to the male nature; it’s not too surprising and usually expected as men seek to marry a virtuous woman. After marriage, she can’t morally refuse sex, because he traded his independence for frequent and convenient access to sex. She’s pushed into the position of having to cooperate in bed. The instant a proposed or required sex act goes against female sensibility, however, they compete because he expects her to do as he wishes. Submission and all that, you know, even if against her will.

He pressures her, nicely or not, or talks her into it. Either way it becomes political; he against her competitively. Oh, not the normal everyday politics as we think of it. But the kind that costs the loser the respect of the winner, and the winner’s expectations for the loser to live according to the winner’s favor. Once obligates her for another event. Their next encounter goes according to the wishes of the previous winner. Conqueror’s right, you know.

Actually, fellatio is another form of conquest. In the absence of you ladies objecting and calling me wrong, I stand by these claims. 1) It goes against the female nature; she questions the rightness of it. 2) She’d rather not. But she’s conflicted because her man wants or expects it. 3) She questions if she can uphold her self-respect if she does it. 4) She fears it will change how her man views regular sex with her. 5) And the proverbial, will he love me in the morning? 6) After she does it, guilt sets in and re-emerges with each request for BJ. 7) It takes many experiences before she feels comfortable enough to initiate it on her own, and even then new doubts and guilt set in for a while. 8) And this question returns, will he love me in the morning? Please feel free to add, subtract, agree, or contradict. Clarity and truth remain my objectives. If I’m wrong here, all else in this article is inadmissible for relationship experts to judge.

He’s the dominant one. If she goes down on him, his dominance increases. If he can get her to do that, he can get her to do anything. How does it serve a woman that she makes herself more vulnerable to his dominant attitude? Where does his sexual adventurism end? Can she go along when he wants to experiment with other ways? Can she accept her inferior position in his mind for having yielded to his tastes, his experiments, his choosing of the unusual if not the abnormal as she may see it? How does she keep from ‘going too far’ for her sensibilities, once she has violated her sense of rightness? And finally and most important, how will it affect their relationship outside the bedroom? Will his affection taper off? Will his love be affected?

In bed she’s not looking for greater dominance but for intimacy with an equal. If he goes down on her, he yields some dominance. She loves to be pleased, and so he pleases her. It adds to her sense of importance and directly displays his love. While she’s not a winner in the purest sense of reducing his dominance, she’s not the loser either. He does love her, and so all else is minor.

The paradox lies here. Cunnilingus displays a man’s love; he pleases himself with action that pleases her. Fellatio does not display a woman’s love; it doesn’t express her dependence on him nor her gratitude and respect for who he is and what he does. She just pleasures him for the sake of pleasure; love is neither required nor displayed. Thus, cunnilingus has meaning for women that fellatio doesn’t have for men.

Of course, men will take issue with all of the above. It’s never in their interest to have anyone interfere with how they regard sexual relations. Their sense of dominance requires them to contest any amplifying of sex with politics, any tampering with the domain over which they rule by instinct. They think sex is their turf, everybody defends his turf, and politics has no role in the bedroom.

In the end, all of the above is part of the endless competition between men and women. Whoever wins the last battle owns their sexual agenda and will likely win their next encounter.

And now comes the fire from masculine ire to which I aspire to make it expire.

 

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