Category Archives: sex differences

Blog 2533 — Submission #02 — Wife’s Choice


Most of us have heard this. Ephesians 5:22 (KJV) says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

Now, understand that I’m neither questioning nor contradicting God’s intent or the Bible. Pastors clear it up biblically and theoretically,  but it usually lacks satisfaction for women; it always seems to lopsidedly favor men. Also, submission seems symbolic, but men take it literally and many autocratically consider it absolute. Women can’t believe God intended them to be so literally unequal in marriage, but they have so little evidence to argue to the contrary. From what they hear in church, many women resent men, the marital wheels squeak louder, and wives seem helpless to find lubrication to stop the squeaking. Everyone seems to ignore the rest of the biblical story, which for men is easy and preferred.

Wives face an undeserved burden. Submission in the masculine spirit weakens their marital role, seems to allege a subservient condition, reduces self-confidence, encourages masculine dominance, and fosters dispute rather than negotiated settlement. They are victimized, because men interpret and impose the biblical spirit to their own advantage. (Personally, I believe men and even pastors use submission as the final bastion—e.g., ‘God says’— to confirm male dominance as a right and to validate their getting their way at the expense of wife.)

In fact, men need to be taught the following, although those who feel threatened may even reject the reasoning.

We need only two questions answered. Men have long ignored or forgotten the answers although they too come from the Bible.

  • Do men have free will? The answer of course is yes.
  • Do women have free will? The answer is yes, since all God’s children are equal in His eyes.

Men have the obligation to submit unto the Lord but, since they have free will, they can choose not to do so. With their free will, women can also choose not to submit unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 advises women to submit unto both husbands and the Lord. Since they can choose on the latter, they can choose on the former. Women are thus free to submit at their discretion, which makes questions about total submission illogical. Such wifely freedom taken literally and equally, however, doesn’t fit the marriage covenant, but it completes the religious logic of the subject.

Marriage is a formal contract founded on mutual agreement, which is based on the nature of one man and one woman merging their beliefs, emotions, values, standards, and expectations into combined effort for living together. As the direct consequence of their God-given equality and free will, compatibility arises from their mutual ability to match up and make the following natural motivations work successfully for them. And for the relationship expert to make it all fit together in a harmonious whole:

  • He is motivated to compete and she is motivated to get around marital competition if she can, to avoid the potential for conflict.
  • She is motivated to cooperate and he expects it as the normal benefit of yielding his independence at the altar.
  • He is more a producer and she is more a processor. He looks for results. She looks to smooth out bumps in the marital road.
  • He is strong on commanding and ordering. She prefers to be asked and expects to negotiate opposite expectations and to help settle disputes.
  • He is strongly dominant, easily assumes responsibility, and expects those for whom he’s responsible to submit to his leadership. Without submission by followers, he’s handicapped to achieve his desired results—until spouse convinces him of a better way.
  • Both are born hardheaded. The permanence of having a husband energizes her naturally submissive spirit that is available within her natural soft-heartedness. However, wise husbands invariably learn that she also has a hardheadedness that needs to be frequently accommodated or courted.
  • For his intended accomplishments, at the surface her submission seems more important than her cooperation. OTOH, she is submissive and cooperative by nature as long as prospects for the future look at least favorable. So, her submission comes more easily when their future looks more promising. She shines when her submissiveness morphs into submission, but it happens more out of what she sees in him than his promises about a brighter future.
  • He is primarily concerned with present-day matters. Her main concerns are for keeping their future good or making it better. She sees it in their interest to be submissive in the present if she can more directly shape their lives in the future. Without that tradeoff, however, she tends to resent, resist, and can easily encourage herself to retaliate.

Relationship experts, the wives, just naturally move to the front of trying to achieve harmony when sour notes invade their marriage. Neither spouse is obligated to submit to the other and whoever gets their way depends on their compatibility and desire to work things out to mutual advantage. Whatever their solution, it’s unique for every couple.

Consequently, there is no universal solution. Men continue to expect women to submit. Women can influence and persuade their man provided they can focus on their future rather than being honked off at the thought of submitting actually or even theoretically. For serendipitous effects, women should ignore the subject. Each has to find her own way to induce harmony within her nest, and that one potentially disruptive term should be left out.

When this series continues, a brighter future beckons. Women can benefit by ignoring the subject of submission. By refusing to think of, stir their anger, and follow it with guilt whenever the subject comes up directly or indirectly. Let husbands rant about submission with each other. Women are quite capable of breathing harmony into their home by fixing their thoughts on specific interactions. Some pointers, pearls of wisdom will follow.

 

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, sex differences

2532. Submission #01: The Introduction


The last of this series was completed two years ago. It’s time for a repeat and hopefully something new. We have new readers on board. So, let’s start at the top. We view life from outer space. God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize two different sexes. One is dominant but the other superior. Respectively, the immovable object faces the irresistible force, male gender versus female gender. It’s the historical and highly traditional battle of the sexes.

Expecting women to submit flips the superior sex on its head. Not only that, it makes women mad just thinking about it, even when they hear it in church. Unfortunately, that causes some women to lose their female balance, to blame the men in their lives. Regardless of how pastors explain it, there’s plenty of hope always available in the feminine boodle bag of options.

Since the Holy Bible favors men on the subject, women don’t seem to have a full hand of cards to play. Ahhhhh! But they do. In fact, they hold the superior hand. They have patience, skill, hardheadedness, grateful heart, free will, and abundant opportunities to play. Men have stubbornness, self-respect, hardheartedness, ego, and competitive determination to defend only one position, that she must submit. Advantage: wives. Abundant opportunities can smother one position even though well-defended.

The advantage comes from this. When push comes to shove, submission means only one thing to men. It’s their handicap. Not handicapped, women are blessed from birth for this particular battle. They are by nature cooperative and even submissive when in their best interest. Their nature thus provides advantage that enables them to outsmart, outwit, and out-maneuver dominant males. Consequently, submission isn’t a yes or no battle. Women make a game of ‘maybe’ out of it that convinces their man that he has won.

The feminine submissive spirit, often seen by men as unrespectable, is quite capable of conquering a man’s insistence that she submit as he and other men conceive it.

 

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Filed under Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, old school, sex differences, Uncategorized

2531. Push the Envelope — 02


The one with the nerve has the right to win. In a relationship, the one who regrets losing the other the most is the one unable to get their way. But the odds of losing the other can be significantly reduced by smart women.

Situation. Shacked up or in a sexually active relationship for what has become far too long for the woman to accept it. She needs recovery from multiple things that bother her: dignity, moral responsibility, confident she’s with the right man, unwilling to continue as is, suspicion of his worth as permanent mate, tired of the worry, loss of belief in herself, future dimmed by lack of relationship progress, dislike of her reputation of doing what goes against her conscience, losing her youth while doubtfully linked up, wants children and he doesn’t, and—wherever does it all end?

Probably not until she is married either to him or another. The beginning of the end arrives when he is no longer blamed for anything; without hedging, he is her man for life—but she may not be his woman for life.

Time to act. She can’t motivate anyone else, only herself. How does she recover in such a way that the decision of separation becomes hers instead of his? Getting her way will take a lot of the sting out of separation, if it happens. Also, if she gets her way, many questions can be answered directly that will pacify her. She cannot go wrong, if she is out to recover herself. The fact that she feels compelled to recover means that he has had all the advantages. It is now time and up to her to switch the advantages to her. The following two options are likely unless anger stirs the pot.

If she fears losing him, she can’t do it. If she can face the loss of this man, she can. When she initiates recovery, she initiates competition, and men will not compete with their woman. So, he faces two choices. Compete, if she starts it competitively by blaming or accusing, and his objective will be to prove her wrong in every one of her points. Or, he can listen, face her idealized descriptions of what she finds tough for her to live with, and either sympathize and want to please her or empathize but find it inadequate to fit his life. She is thus able to sponsor his making a choice without his getting emotionally involved to the point that he has to win.

The more demanding she registers her discontent, the more likely he shifts toward empathy and departure. The more graciously, charmingly, and grateful for his presence that she feels while registering her objections to her current life, then the more inclined he feels toward sympathy, because he faces an unhappy woman who has not taken her ire and disappointment out on him. IOW, it’s her and not his fault that she is unhappy. See what a difference her approach can take? So now for her approach, how best to do it?

Parenthetically, I have written my way right back to the wedding ring gig described in the first in this series. How does she subtly register her disappointments and keep them locked up as her shortcomings rather than his? Try this on for size….

Write him a short letter—don’t explain and don’t complain—and send it registered mail. Inside, specify the following:

  • Do not ever mention this letter. Don’t ever bring it up and I ask that you not mention it to anyone else either. It is past, gone, caput, forgotten, and nothing requires forgiveness. Regardless of what happens, it is not worthy of conversation. Our respective daily actions prove our worth to each other, so discussion or explanation is useless. While not content in our arrangement, I depend greatly and am very grateful for you in my life.
  • My discontent is with myself. I am not what I want to be, neither as good woman, good wife, nor good mother. I can do much better.
  • I expect nothing from you except to forget this letter just as soon as you read it. Don’t try to read between the lines, there is nothing there. Only us, you plus me with all obstructions turned to mush, objections ground down to nothing long ago, but still full of wishes for my own future to brighten ever more.

Guy concludes: I’m disappointed in that this article is a twist on how and why the wedding ring plan works. It says in words what is symbolized silently by the ring in the last article, 2530. But it’s all I have to offer today.

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Filed under courtship, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

2514 — Her Boulevard of Hopes and Dreams


This is a story of a boy and girl called Mike and Anne. They someday will be adults of interest to each other. Will they be compatible enough to marry and stay together? The odds favor that outcome, if their self-development is guided by parents who provide the leadership to produce the following results.

About the time puberty begins its development process, Anne dreams of what her life will be like years ahead of her current age. Hopes and dreams merge into deep desire and immature conviction that it will be happen much as she imagines—shining knight and all. Boys dream of accomplishments, but it’s her dreams that govern marital life.

The sexes are born this way. She has plenty self-love but lacks self-respect. He has plenty self-respect but lacks self-love. They both have to learn how to give what they lack for two reasons: 1) Marital success depends on the glue of mutual likeability and loyalty, which depends upon mutual sharing of sincere and believable love and respect. 2) Since one cannot give what one does not possess, it has to be learned. Otherwise, her showing sufficient respect and his showing sufficient love just isn’t going to happen (although some feel pressured to fake it).

However tough for parents to impose the immature practices described below, it is essential for the marital success of their children. It works as action and reaction between under-developed personalities. Parents teach the practice but kids have to perform the actions, which are critical to shaping personalities for marital success.

In her book The Nurture Assumption, Judith Rich Harris shows that the personalities of children arise more from peer contact than parental influence. I offer the following also as bold justification for large families. Numerous brothers and sisters are so easy to guide this way, and generally turn into mates more easy to get along with.

The Learning Process Works This Way

I write as if they are raised together, but Anne and Mike are associating with others in two different families.

Anne is taught and subjected to the process of showing love for boys just for being boys until it becomes habitual. Mike is taught and subjected to the process of showing respect for girls just for being girls also until habitual. They are taught to exploit their respective strengths on behalf of the other. She specializes in spreading love, he in spreading respect. (Affirmative, you’re right. It is the reverse of what each expects as spouses.)

Not depending on words either, but showing it with actions. Not always, but Anne’s smiles can be sufficient action, because males accept female smiles as encouragement. Mike, however, must actually be more deliberate. Before puberty, the actions of both program their respective hearts for life—Mike with self-love, and Anne with self-respect. It happens this way.

Anne’s actions show love for all boys, and it registers with boys as girly love, which they reject as unwanted. Mike does not need love from girls. Nevertheless, he can’t ignore it, and so he learns to accept it as something akin to respect. He instinctively knows that he at least deserves near-respect from girls. Anne confirms it routinely.

Frequently shown a lot of Anne’s love over the course of a decade before puberty, he learns to think there is more than meets the eye. Her love showers him with her gratefulness for who he is and what he does, which makes her important to him and deserving of his recognition and attention. He concludes, probably not consciously however, that perhaps girls deserve more than respect. So affection begins to develop, and he begins to show it, and his further actions develop affection in his heart, the seed of self-love.

His inborn hard-hearted nature begins to mellow in one particular slice, that of his opinion of girls, which makes his heart receptive to the idea that he is important to girls, which fertilizes the seed of self-love. The seed grows roots until puberty as he receives more girlish attention and affection.

The longer and stronger Mike receives such loving attention from girls and learns to be grateful for them and spread his affection in return, the greater becomes his potential to someday love Anne longer and stronger.

Mike’s actions—necessarily enforced by mother until habitual—shows respect for all girls, which registers with girls as boyish affection. Anne does not need love from boys, she has plenty within herself. So, Anne looks for understanding and perceives that showing her love is respectable. Frequently transposing between her love and a boy’s respect, Anne learns that respectability can be used to get her way, even to represent and defend herself. Her use of self-respect fertilizes more of it, and thereby grows and strengthens as she receives frequent signs that signify greater respect from boys. It encourages her to depend more on self-respect to more easily get her way. Realizing that displaying self-respect pays off, she grows to depend upon it as useful.  Wallah! She has self-respect, which can help her keep Mike after they marry.

The longer and stronger Anne receives such respect from boys, the greater her self-respect grows and underwrites her potential to respect Mike longer and stronger later in life. Thus, lessons learned before puberty determine life after it.

One cannot share what they do not have. Raised with the blessings described above, the more self-love Mike earns before puberty, the more love he can share with his wife, Anne. The more self-respect Anne earns before puberty, the more respect she can show husband, Mike. Whether sharing is proportional or not, adult women should think of it that way. Just the thought of proportionality reinforces the idea that nothing is ever equal, and fairness is good enough to prevent disuse and dispute.

Taught and reinforced from toddlerhood to puberty, Mike’s lesson lights one side with love, and with respect she lights the other side of her boulevard of hopes and dreams. Their marriage sparkles with mutual likeability and loyalty as it passes under the rainbow of her girlhood hopes and dreams.

——

P.S. I expect ALL mothers to proclaim they can’t do it because making girls love boys will carry into the teens. I say, not so. A girl’s self-respect plus the hormonal hurricane that arrives with puberty will have the opposite effect. Think of it this way. What do girls who get into teen trouble have in common? Lack of self-respect I consider the most critical, but I await the challenge to dispute it with you.

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Filed under Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, Sociology 101

2513. Journey to Feminine — Group 19


Men and women possess these dynamic motivational forces that trace back to when they were born. You are likely to get confused, so let me familiarize you with the major terms: be good, do good, do better, be better.

Both sexes are born to be better, to improve themselves in their self-development, but with men it means independently and without reference to others. Men can be better without doing good; they can do bad or even evil, and they need only call it better for them.

Women OTOH lack that freedom. Also born to be good, it pressures them to do good, which makes them better. They cannot sit around and claim to be a better person by doing nothing. They are instinctively inspired to prove they are good, and that action confirms both their goodness and self-improvement.

Men lack those dual and primal interconnections of self-development. They are, however, born capable to do good. But they lack the motivational energy to be good in the process of making themselves better aka improving their abilities. Until, that is, they are prompted or pressured by someone else, usually a woman they respect.

Consequently, women are not as self-centered as are men. They parlay their importance greatly by inducing men to do good, which diverts a man from doing less bad or evil. Thus, he becomes better, which confirms her as being good, which elevates her self-importance as his partner and his appreciation of her worth.

It is an instinctive reaction. Great satisfaction arises in a wife’s mind when she gets her man to do good things. She makes possible bad and evil thoughts vaporize, which makes him become a better man to himself by feeding his psyche with thoughts favorable to others. He becomes better simply by allowing her to guide him to do good things. It takes his enormous respect of her to allow it. Contrary to what she thinks, it is not her love, but his respect of her as living and productive example of a good woman. She confirms that he choose correctly, which is extremely satisfying to a man.

Men thrive on a woman’s goodness, and when she also adds other feminine traits, he can lose himself in her. It’s what women expect and want to see, but they have to know where to start, which is intensifying her feminine side. To be womanly earns a man’s respect; to also  be feminine earns his love.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, marriage, sex differences

2510. Mr. Right Ain’t What Young Gals Think


A young woman dreams of and wrongly seeks Mr. Right. I say wrongly because she bypasses a deep screening of his worth to her. She just guesses about his intentions, he likely has to earn little to conquer her, and she will find he is someone else after that momentous event—perhaps that she’s not the keeper she dreamed of becoming.

If she acknowledges a man as her Mr. Right, her emotions make her heart flutter in the wrong way at the wrong time. Simply calling a man Mr. Right leads her to make many mistakes so she won’t lose him, but it happens anyway sooner or later and perhaps after marriage.

It’s not the guy either; her immediate willingness to commit and not lose him strikes a heart filled with too much infatuation. She too easily reverts to immature thoughts and adolescent-think that make her try too hard to be liked. It doesn’t work except by her yielding early sex and winning him temporarily.

If she craves fun, sex, games, and pleasure as her main interest to please him, she might think of a short marriage at best and none at worst. Romantic love fades in a year or two, but she expects it to continue. With childish infatuation she programmed herself for it to continue forever. She begins to detect undesirable changes in their relationship. She then tries too hard, feels desperate, and acts immature and superficial, and he becomes unworthy of her devotion.

It happens because men may like sex and fun, but they don’t marry for life the woman who lives that way. If not reality, her actions symbolize promiscuity and men seek to marry a virtuous woman. Mutual romantic love kept it hidden for a couple of years, and enduring love never developed. Now, she faces the error of her ways, if not before.

If she captured him, Mr. Right probably didn’t completely buy into her. Romantic love perhaps, but no devotion. Women like to talk. Men are not all that fond of listening to conquered women. She does best who learns to keep her talk interesting to him and try her best not to interrupt his thoughts. It’s not her, but him. Interrupting his thoughts show disrespect for who he is, albeit subliminal. It’s a natural conqueror’s right that loses its importance when she learns to be careful and considerate, or she took the time to allow his devotion to develop.

Not devoted to her, Mr. Right is sensitive to unlikeable behavior. The female nature guides a woman to cooperate with her man. He’s the competitor by nature and she’s not. However, situations cause women to get in husband’s face, argue to no end, and hope to put him down or embarrass him. It’s no good, ever.

Oh, she may win her battle or even deserve some revenge. But his male nature advises him not to take it for three reasons: 1) She may be right and thus beat him, and no self-respecting man loses to a woman. 2) Conqueror’s right ‘bought’ her cooperation and she lost her right to compete by his now ‘owning her’. 3) She’s very unlikeable as a mate when she fights against him, and loss of likeability reduces whatever of Mr. Right’s love has developed and short circuits his desire to stay with her.

There is only a Mr. Good Enough for the woman seeking a lifetime marriage, which means that he was well screened as worthy of her. An all important issue impacts whether he will ever become her knight in shining armor. Before his conquest, she’s in competitive mode and can convince him of how she lives and expects to continue in married life. She best lays the groundwork for submission during courtship, because after they marry, she has only what she negotiates and free will as defense. She has to think ahead to win the ability to make sound judgments where and with whom her benefits and advantages begin and end.

Mr. Right will likely arrive later in their marriage, if she begins with Mr. Good Enough. Lo and behold, within their relationship made happy by how she harmonized it over a couple decades, hubby becomes Mr. Right as her long hoped-for knight on white charger. How could she have lived without him?

As part of the female nature, and I think designed that way, women receive their most glorious rewards late in life for the good life they have led. OTOH, men receive their rewards early in life, and not necessarily for living the good life. They seldom  acknowledge their satisfaction after many years of a good marriage, except when someone else brings it up and they can pass credit to their wife. After the midlife crisis, they can do it easily, but even then they usually don’t initiate such an admission. The most devoted men, however, find it easy to admit, which speaks well of her harmonizing their home and satisfying her man. Mr. Right is the finest tribute to her handiwork, when she ends rather than tries to start with him.

Note: If you seek more on the subject, five other articles have Mr. Right in the title on the CONTENT page.

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, marriage, sex differences

2505. Two Kinds of His Respect for Her


These are the two damnedest phenomena in all of human relations—and least understood by females.  1) A man has two sex drives. One that drives him to conquer unconquered women. Another satisfies his physiological desire for frequent sex with a woman already conquered—a distinct pair of primal urges.

2) He also has two levels of respect for a woman. The first she earns by refusing to yield to his conquering urges. The more time involved refusing him—and ingenuity and originality used to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver without his losing interest—the more respect she earns.

If he had her worthy sexual assets, he would make someone pay a hefty price to access them, and so he respects resistance and is willing to compete with her until after conquest. The growth of his respect stops with conquest, but it so impresses him that it stores permanently in his subconscious. It’s a natural function attached to his urge to conquer. She won his respect and he never loses that foundation upon which his love develops.

The second form of his respect is far less permanent. It is what she earns by virtue of post-conquest behavior in her multiple roles in life, such as sex partner, wife, mother, friend, talented artist, or sport or political figure. It can add to development of his love, but is secondary to respect earned before conquest.

——

Modern women miss the boat. He seeks to conquer her without obligation; she seeks to conquer him for marriage. The winner has the greatest managerial control of their future relationship, but he knows nothing of relationship management and knows little but to exploit male dominance. Consequently, the greater his respect she earns before conquest, the more willingly he accepts the female governance that enables her to manage a successful marriage.

Both sexes are born to be compatible and mate. Men are willing if rewarded for husbanding and fathering, generally with comfort, enjoyment, few complaints, and plenty of smiles. Women hope for permanence and their relationship expertise provides the talent and skill to produce it. To use it, however, they need his respect even more than his love. OTOH, unmarried sex makes females the inferior spouse, because they lose the masculine respect needed to convince a man to live the life of which women dream and which either God intended or evolution programmed into us.

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