Category Archives: sex differences

2607. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 16

After pouring their champagne and her blowing him a kiss, he discloses his agenda. Just two items. Size of family they expect to have and organizational dream he has in mind with the eight strategies.

“You’re not against having a big family such as I endorse,” Hank begins. But you have said enough about enjoyment of your work that I suspect we are not on the same page.” She slowly nods her head in agreement. Before she can respond, he moves on.

“We need a plan or at least close agreement where we are going in the children department. Know what I mean?”

She shifts and sits more upright. He saw it before; she becomes slow and deliberate in her actions much as she did just before her monologues about virtual virginity and lovers and lovees.

“Hank, honey, I have thought your intentions over carefully. I just can’t do the big family thing. I want both boy and girl and expect to go as far as three births to get them. If three are of the same sex, then I withdraw my application for at least one of each sex.

“Moreover, I previously mentioned to not work until one or all are in first grade, I also withdraw that application as of now. I want to stay home for six months with each and then return to work. Now, I can shorten the six months if necessary to avoid staying away from my job too long, whatever the situation may be at the time.

“If I have to return to work prematurely because of our personal finances, however, I will be disappointed. To me, that would be a sacrifice for our children that we as managers should do everything to prevent. IOW, it would signify us as not being good enough to have children, if our spending habits prevent giving them what we promise each other we will deliver based on our arrangements today. I am not talking about extravagant lifestyle for either us or any children we have. I’m talking about common sense spending that allows us to save enough to cover the new spending of raising them without going deeply in debt. If we can’t sacrifice enough before, if we are so selfish, we shouldn’t have them at all.”

He studies her carefully, slowly nodding agreeably to her words, and as if he agrees with her intentions. When he next speaks, he is also slow and deliberate.

“As I view your conclusions, financial strength is prioritized ahead of having a new child, your job needs can override length of stay-at-home wants, and two kids are enough if they are opposite sex. If I have it right, I can agree with you and plan accordingly.” She nods yes.

“On the other hand, I can apply pressure to do things differently as long as we stay constrained within those boundaries? Is that agreeable?”

She sits straighter. “What do you mean?”

Hank responds, “Well, if we have three girls, I can apply MILD pressure on you to try again for a boy. You did not reject that idea, just showed a preference for it. Okay?” She assents to his wish.

“I have another example. When I get us able to live on one income and the kids are not yet out of school, can I request that you become a stay-at-home until they all graduate high school?” She responds, “We’ll see when the time comes.

“I have a favor to ask. Please write up some minutes of this meeting and our agreements. Four reasons: First, so we can see years from now just what we did agree to and have evidence to cover any differences we may encounter. Second, if it’s worth deciding and planning, it’s worth recording. Third, so we have a better chance of living up to hard, factual evidence instead of the emotions that will change our lives along the way. And fourth, as with the eight strategies we will study next, I want to leave some evidence behind for our kids that we took marriage seriously enough to work and plan it out ahead of time.

“Will you write them up? Then, we can go over them for final approval by both of us and figure out where to store them until needed.

“Okay, let’s move on to those eight strategies, or principles, or policies I sent in the email. Any objections yet?”

Hank waits.

“Well, yes, pardon the extreme exception because I don’t mean it like I’m gonna sound. You’re setting yourself up to be a dictator. It’s your way or the highway. I know you too well, you have very justifiable reasons, but I need to hear them. So, I ask you to take the floor and justify each one of the eight. Frankly, I don’t see the need you think we need.”

“Roger, I understand. And we can save a few bucks by not needing champagne to loosen my tongue and stay on track. As I describe our needs to breathe common sense into our marriage and make management of the home much easier for you. I believe I can convince you that my design will help us prevent squeaky wheels on our marital bus with me in the driver’s seat and you in the relationship management role. My place? Tomorrow evening? I’ll supply the Mexican, you bring a wine.”

“Nope, I want something lighter for such a heavy conversation, so Chinese if you please.”

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Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, how she win, How she wins, sex differences

2605. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 14

Still enroute home after proposing to Jenny in the restaurant, Hank continues to reminisce. Three big quirks generated immense and unusual excitement in their courtship.

First, she disclosed her lifelong commitment to abstinence for no other reason than to satisfy herself with a significant achievement. Not the abstinence but the reason for it surprised him; it is more masculine than female motivation, but then her father in childhood inspired her to pursue a big goal.

Second, he decided to marry her and presented his intentions of how to make it work. Starting with methods for handling eight pressures that arise in most marriages, he finished with his plan to supervise and make their marriage work for sixty years. He made as the foundation his intention to cherish her all that time and elevate their marriage to a status above both of them.

Third and most shocking of all, he now faces Jenny’s promise to express her expectations on the subject of lover and lovee, presumably to teach him how to love her. Sounds exciting but does he want to hear it?

He can wait, in no hurry. His curiosity and imagination compete to advise him what to expect, but neither has a comforting thought. What does he know, and when did she know it? What does her agenda look like? Will she expect him to change in some way? Change to what? He knows all he needs to know. So, more about what? Of course, he’s a good lover. He’s had no complaints. He knows exactly what to do. Put it in and drive it home. He loves it so much she can’t not love it.

Jenny fantasized for three days. No dates, no calls. He’s waiting on her, and she wants him anxious to learn. He needs time to consider so that his ears will open to what she has to say.

Jenny never heard of doing such a thing, never contemplated it until she heard how committed Hank is about them marrying. She will gamble. After marriage, there’s no way she can get by trying so directly to coach him into becoming a better lover. He would be certain to take immense offense at even the hint that he could be less than great or perhaps perfect.

Both anecdotes and experience tell her that men are more sensitive about their sexual prowess than anything else, and accusers make themselves disposable. Men brag to each other about their scores from which prowess is presumed. Women, however, know the truth but are much too cautious to disclose what they think. In fact, they say virtually nothing; any comment comes out as criticism or condemnation to a man. Women usually want to keep their man.

Jenny plots her game plan. All new and totally foreign for her to be doing such  plotting in the first place and on a forbidden subject for wives in the second place. Confident that she and Hank have won each other, however, she continues to plan her message.

As he did before, she expects to write out her ‘position paper’ and make it more conversational as she reads it. They meet and she delivers.

“Hank, my dearest friend. We must talk, rather I must talk. You men don’t know jack about the women with whom you lay. Women—in the way you love them—are mere objects to unload your passion. It has probably always been so.

“Men are not to blame; they are just ignorant and women go unfulfilled too much and too often. I figure you and I can be different, if you know more about me and my expectations than you know at present.

“What I say is aimed at all men. You just happen to be the closest and gifted enough to hear a woman’s version of how sex should satisfy rather than frustrate a wife. A husband owes his wife more than poke, come, and go. Knowing you, I’m sure you understand it. But so many men don’t—or so friends, relatives, and associates admit.

“I explain the woman’s dilemma. We cannot convey our frustrations without offending our man. We are due more honor in the bed we make with them, and I shall hopefully make with you.

“Education, not information, overcomes ignorance. Women are in no position to educate men about making love. We try to inform, yes. When we try, they take offense and drop the gal who suggests their masculine talents are less than perfect in technique and terrific in achievement. An impenetrable wall surrounds the male ego about sexual aptitude, attitude, and competence. Few things are guarded with more religious fervor.

“I hope to give you a peek over that wall. Not because you need it, but because I want the wall lowered enough so I can converse more freely with my husband about making love.

“Here are some basics of how women view sexual relations.

  • “Warmup is critical to a woman’s sexual enjoyment; the root of any pleasure begins with it. Foreplay brings her whole body into the action that follows. Bare skin touching and caressing is vital, and extended stimulation of her erogenous zones can complete the warmup. The better she is warmed up, the better is her response to him in action. So, if he thinks he’s good and expects to confirm it with the final results, he owes her an extended warmup until she says she’s ready.
  • “Contrary to man-think, earning his orgasm does not satisfy her. Pleasure? Perhaps! Maybe sure! But it’s the weakest way to prove himself. Fornication does not make a good lover. She makes him a good lover, when she is properly prepared and rewarded with intimacy at the end.
  • “Emotional conflict exists when intercourse begins. He’s driven to drive home his weapon. She wants gentle handling. His nature inspires hard penetration, and so it’s a price women are accustomed to paying. His gentle caressing and holding elsewhere helps her adapt to the courser side of his style.
  • “She needs a multi-function cool-down after they finish intercourse. Oh, not from body heat but from her excited internals that need a calming effect that comes from the comfort of his holding her with snuggling and more bare skin touching and caressing. It provides and she needs a lengthy interlude of intimacy to fortify and confirm her importance. If sex doesn’t make her feel important afterward, he didn’t do it right. His holding and enabling her to snuggle close confirms that she did the right and important thing for him. So, he owes her satisfying intimacy as reward for being a good receptacle for his intensity.

“As you can see, Hank, women are people too. When we make love, we also go all the way. Provided, that is, our man knows how to lift and gently escort us all the way through the three arches of pleasure: warmup joy, intercourse kindness, and satisfying intimacy.

“Hank expects to be flabbergasted, but he isn’t. No big deal. He thinks; I didn’t know all that but, heck, I could have figured it out sometime. Just my receptacle? That hurt. That’s not me. She makes a good case for her sisters, but I don’t know how it will ever get to other men. It’s not that complicated, but the gal has to become the most important person in the process; if the guy hopes to claim, accurately, to be a good lover.

“Jenny smiles while Hank contemplates how to respond. His silence sparks her inquiry.

“Well, honey, is our marriage talk ended? Are we finished? Remember, none of it was aimed at you but presented to educate rather than just inform. Also, this was a traumatic undertaking for me. I did it once. Never again. The subject is not for discussion unless you question me for more details sometime in our wedded future.”

Hank rises, sits beside with his arm around her. “Heck, I know all that. It makes sense and fits what I’ve known for a long time. Probably a few details slightly different, but I always intended to do those things as best I could. I figured experience together would make everything come out at least good or maybe better. I’m mostly concerned with the when, where, and how of getting started.”

Jenny starts crying, hugs him, feels relieved she has done well. Then she stops. They kiss, promise eternal togetherness, and depart for beer and burgers.

Over food, Jenny smiles in his eyes. “I can hardly wait for our warmup, your shining presence in me, and my reward of intimacy.”

Hank’s eyes sparkle with moisture, “Let’s get married sooner.”

Hank rethinks his plan to present her ring. I can do it tomorrow night at our favorite restaurant. Will it be romantic enough? Well, I will make it so.

Recovering from the fantasy flavor of what she has just done, Jenny calls her mother. “Change of plans, mom, we’re doing it sooner and….”


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, How she wins, marriage, sex differences

2604. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 13a: Hank Explained

Her Highness Femme says “there is NO WAY a man would make a speech like that to a woman (me).” I’m sure she rings many bells elsewhere.

The series is titled, Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Common sense says both parties and a dual responsibility. Common senses says that sharing, dividing, and fulfilling the dual responsibility is a competitive and possibly combative job. Common sense says negative motivation—criticism and blame—produces unwanted results and can prompt failure in any process. Works that way with kids doesn’t it? Husbands are just big kids in the view of their wives. Yet, many wives ignore common sense and produce their own misery.

Women want their husband to be more responsible, and so Hank assumes full and complete responsibility even ahead of his marriage to Jenny. He exemplifies his male nature; he is sufficiently motivated to upgrade a system in need, please his woman, and admire himself for having undertaken to produce such promising results. The greatest satisfaction comes from the toughest achievements, and Hank is hardwired to believe it.

Women sympathize, empathize, share their miseries, swap justifying thoughts, and support each other as they bad mouth men. Then, as a gender, they shape their complaints and blames into female-sharpened hatchets to be thrust into the masculine psyche. With Hank, I idealize five things to expect, if men did what women claim they want and expect.

  1. Our man Hank takes complete charge to produce a magnificent plan of what he thinks his woman will more than welcome. He has no hidden agenda and expects to negotiate details later. (He knows the marriage system doesn’t work well. Women rely on love, but it is never enough. He intends to prevent problems rather than have to overcome them and thereby relieve Jenny of so many wifely problems. His intentions are far more honorable than any woman should expect, but yet less acceptable. He lacks one thing: spur of the moment woman-think, and his lack converts the story to fantasy.)
  2. Our motivated hero demonstrates with actions his promise to be a good husband, to take charge and assume responsibility for mate, family, and home. (He is motivated to assume all risks and rely on his expectation that wife will provide full cooperation with his leadership. He dreams of their life together sixty years from now. He’s not a dawdler. He accomplishes, produces, and can be depended upon to make things work out satisfactorily.)
  3. Our potential husband already planned how he intends to prevent rather than have to heal or recover from interpersonal problems with wife and family. (The eight strategies described in post 2600.)
  4. Inspired not just by Jenny but his own need to please her, Hank knows what Jenny needs most. His plans are aimed directly to guarantee his promise to cherish her for life as her husband.
  5. Following his nature, Hank designs and plans to cure ailments in the ailing marital system, because he is sufficiently incentivized to make his life more sterling in his eyes and golden in Jenny’s.

There comes a time in the world of under performing marriages, wifely complaints, and assigning blame that men stand up to say, let’s do something else; e.g., upgrade marriage. It was Hank’s time, and he took it. Common sense says he could never get away with it. In fact, it would probably scare most women away. But not Jenny, she has her own lessons to teach, so the fantasy continues.

Admittedly, the story morphed to fantasy. It is pardonable. He knows the female nature and knows it well, but Hank lacks one thing. Woman-think, the common mental processes that will dominate Jenny’s development of events and relationships under his grand plan. It amounts to this in the real world. A man’s planning for their future too easily interferes with a woman’s relationship development and self-brightening of her own future at the present time.

Of course you won’t see or hear Hank’s speech from a man today. Hank morphed from real in chapter 1 to fantasy in 13.  Women don’t always need what they expect out of men and their man, and Hank represents it on steroids. It’s Jenny’s turn for fantasy, next.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Fickle female, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

2603. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 13

Hank feels composed and somewhat on a roll as he unfolds his letter to Jenny. They sip at spritzers. He intends to do most of the talking. He doesn’t fear her not accepting him. He’s not proposing yet; it will come after he buys the ring.

He fears that if she feels compelled to respond before he gets through, she will divert the discussion to points that come later or not at all and take him off his game. He knows she favors marriage, but he is unsure she will accept it his way. He begins reading anyway.

“Jenny, my darling, I am hopeful” and he begins to ad lib to turn it more conversational. “Someday I hope to set you down on a honey-coated golden ship of marital bliss awash in a sea of tender affection, all of which will remind you of paradise. Corny, huh?” Then he stares into her eyes with the friendliest of smiles until she smiles back.

“I have to confess. Oh, not to anything either of us has done wrong. But to express the pleasure of trying to earn you for my wife. For so long, I didn’t know what you had to see in me in order to accept me as your husband. Now I see and offer the plea you are about to hear.

“I could take it no longer, so I worked up a good plan to get us in bed very soon. However, you beat me to the draw. Over champagne you anticipated my intent and neutralized my plan with your titty remark. Your dedication to yourself and virtual virginity both impressed and enlightened me. I thought you the most wonderful woman. Almost proposed right there and then. But, thankfully, my heart was not quite right at the time.

“I say thankfully, because what I say today can convert the makings of a temporary into a permanent marriage. I expect to deliver it too, if we marry. I don’t want you surprised by my leadership. You need to know what to expect before we wed, and I now reveal it.

“Ross Perot coined this motto. Up front, blunt, and candid when you deal with people. I remind myself to use it, because when I propose and you accept, we have to make a permanent deal, an arrangement based on more than love, romance, and mutual compatibility. I believe in love, a woman’s love, and mother love. Being a man, however, and planning to live sixty years together, I know that love is not enough to handle the strains.

“Here’s my plan of dedication to consider. You can have the wedding as yours and your mother’s to arrange. I’m out of the planning; just tell me where, when, and what to wear.

“After the wedding, however, I will be responsible for our marriage, honeymoon and all. You no doubt have many wishes, not all of which will fit into whatever plans we make and mutually accept for our lives beyond the altar. So how will all of that play out?

“First, I love you, I adore you, I cherish you and plan to continue for life. You are the pinnacle of my ideal as a wife, and I want and intend to keep it that way. Me, you, and our marital agreement have only to come alongside and merge our lives with my jobs and ambitions.

“What I talk about today is how to keep it that way by putting you on the road to wifely and motherly happiness and me on the road to satisfaction as man, husband, provider, protector, friend, problem solver, and lover in some order to be determined by reality.

“Marriage is generally called an institution. Actually, it’s a set of absolutely necessary functions. The promises, the obligations, and the vows that couples make and take. Those functions guide individuals subconsciously and usually in background mode. If adhered to properly, they can hold a couple together as ‘us’. If not, couples too easily separate in spirit and then emotionally and perhaps physically.

“However, over time, some promises come up empty. Some obligations fail from love that has weakened. Some vows are broken by outside inducements, pressures, and promises.

“Good intentions—made earlier in the throes of exciting and romance-loaded moments—don’t remain all that stable after months or years of living together. Two individuals with very different personalities, emotional makeup, and personal agendas have to labor hard to remain permanently attached and keep two self-interests bonded into one—the ‘us’ that women like to call togetherness.

“Antagonist pressures arise far too easily, and love can’t overcome all of it. Actually, love is never enough, and that is why I accept responsibility. If I’m responsible, I can match the determination that guided you through your life until now. I say determination, because I don’t accept responsibility with any expectation that I will fail.

“More of what I mean is this. Only you, me, or ‘us’ can work against our marital interests, can wreck our relationship. We need an informed leader who works on the outside—kind of works above us—to prevent it. I accept full responsibility to guard, hold together, and ensure that the mass of marriage values, standards, and expectations works to help us find and live in mutually bonded togetherness.

“Fulfilling my responsibility, however, may not be to your liking simply because of the impression it gives in the big picture. You and I function as subordinates of our marriage, I supervise both of us as a couple. What does that mean? Well, not that I intend to be a dictator but more of a benevolent supervisor of nothing but our marriage. If the marriage is threatened, I will be obligated to act. Otherwise, our relationship is one of a well-balanced couple.

“We won’t drive our marriage, it drives us. It’s the principle up to which we live rather than threaten or trash it in response to emotional upheavals. Yes, principle reigns whenever emotion, taste, or preference challenges the comfort of our marriage. Comfort being defined as what we both think is best to keep us compatible and well-bonded.

“Actually, either you or I can tear us apart. It only takes one to destroy the mutual likeability and loyalty that upholds a man’s love. My intention before we marry is to apply preventive pressures that tend to neutralize the desire for one to escape the other. Neutralize desire for the outside world and marital glue holds much better.

“Putting principle over emotions adds pressure for us to deal with our mate as respectable; to make our mate deserving of best attentions and considerations; to toe the line of fidelity; and otherwise hold each other up as the epitome of a person, a friend, a lover, and a spouse, and also interdependent as mates.

“Whether in disagreement, disarray, or dispute, I plan that we fall back on the purpose and blessing of marital obligations to calm our emotional conditions. More important than either of us, in god-like fashion, commitment to marriage commands us to do much better than we ever thought we could. We can learn to exceed ourselves and immediately do our best to recover from emotional disturbances such as disputes, ailments, financial shortages, or child raising issues. Recovery is everything, but prevention is better.

“As matter of habit, we expect to always yield to the principle of marriage first, us second, and you and me third. It’s a rung on the ladder, an interim step of living up to God. Moreover and more importantly, that is the ladder rung that releases mutual respect, empowers trust, and enables me to enjoy your likeability and you to enjoy mine.

“For example, you get angry at me and want to tell me off, that I’m guilty of something. Such as, I failed to get your car’s tail-light repaired and you got a traffic ticket. You start to upbraid me with: I told you three times and, oh yea, you were flirting last night at the party. I first respond with three questions: How does this affect our marriage? Big or little, serious or funny? How do we recover that before you correct me?

“After we know the impact on our marriage, you can finish your chastisement of me. It works both ways. When I try to describe some failing of yours, you respond with the same or similar questions. Once we know how the marriage will be impacted, expressing negative opinions becomes less offensive and more tolerable.

“We defend ourselves first by putting our marriage between us. We need to keep track of how our problems are about to impact our marriage and prevent damage before we get too deeply involved criticizing each other.

“I am responsible to see it happen that way, so I may from time to time have to remind you that your expectations may be contradictory to marital comfort. The same applies to you. I may be responsible, but I can cause marital discomfort even better than you.

“When I am responsible for anything, I refuse to fail. As of now, I dedicate that habit to our marriage. It presumes and I prioritize our lives this way. You and I are subordinate to marriage; personal expectations are subordinate to domestic tranquility; child raising is subordinate to our marriage.

“Wives often presume to carry the burden of sustaining marriage; they have most to lose. But in today’s marital marketplace they don’t seem to be doing well. It happens because the wrong spouse is in charge. So, from the get-go let me unburden you from being responsible to see that we stay together. No intent to do without your help and superb assistance. In fact it’s expected, but you don’t have to answer for marital failures, whatever is produced in the long run.

Hank signals with fingers, “You need only face up to four tasks to the best of your ability. Remain my already realized ideal of a good woman to whom I’m greatly attracted. Develop yourself into the ideal wife that we both deserve. Prepare and become the ideal mother for our children. Keep me informed when I add strain to our marriage. Also, I owe you my definition of the term ideal. It means the same woman I married and expect to cherish for sixty years. Small improvements no doubt, but no big changes to who and what she is when we marry.

“I will do my best to be the ideal husband for you and father for our kids. If and when I say nothing contrary, you remain my ideal and cherished one. Believe it. You start there and sixty years hence you will remain just that. The practice of cherishing someone makes it last.

“All of the above brings me to the most important part. We can’t avoid disputes or hold unbecoming opinions of each other. Minor in the overall passage of time, they still should not be verbalized. We can avoid fault finding, criticism, and blaming each other, and we should do it by converting complaint and blame into offenses to the marriage covenant first and then to each other.

“The softer the name calling, the harder the covenant shell that surrounds us.

“You work primarily through relationship management, and I will work primarily to hold our lives together as a one-unit family. Our life together is three processes, yours, mine, and ours. We don’t need perfection living together. We primarily need to flatten out the steeper parts of our emotional conditions without blame, guilt, and criticism. Even in that, perfection is not essential. A little bit might even help sometimes.

“My respect makes you likeable to me. Your love makes me likeable to you. My trust makes you loyal to me, and your trust makes me loyal to you. Mutual likeability and loyalty are the necessary ingredients for my love to endure. Consequently, my love of you arises out of respect and trust of you that is confirmed and endorsed by your love and trust of me.

“I will be fulfilling my responsibility when we both identify our differences as neither personal nor in immediate need of correction, but rather as undesired actions and attitudes contrary to marital harmony. Primarily, I foresee that you will be responsible for harmony in the home and I for harmony outside the home and overall.

“Now I only describe the mutual bonding to start out, how we are to perform under those conditions as guidance. How we operate under those conditions determines our future together, your happiness as a woman, and my satisfaction as a man.

“I expect to formally propose that we marry and hereby suggest that success comes more from what I describe than blind luck, mutual love, and even the greatest of intentions. So, I offer myself for you to consider whether my plan and role as just described fits your needs and desires. In other words, I offer me and my plan in addition to just me and my ability to love you forever.

“Does all that sound doable to you? Anything offend you? Can you subordinate yourself and emotional stability to the supreme role of our marriage? I pledge it as my intent for life, and God-willing, you accept me when I propose.

“You now have the floor. I look forward to showing how my love can overcome your objections.”

Pondering for a moment, Jenny smiles beyond her best ever. “It’s magnificent. I could not ask for more, darling. I accept your plan as more than I deserve. In return, I add my promise of endlessly dispensing your favorite wishes that I alone can provide.”

Still on the couch, they hug and kiss and she allows him to elevate their passion levels above that previously permitted. Then, abruptly, she terminates it.

“Honey, I have no doubt you’re a great lover. However, I’m a happy lovee only under certain conditions of which only I am aware. If we marry, I want you informed of what it takes for you to make me a happy lovee. We only have this one opportunity, because it can’t be done inside a marriage.

“We will shortly talk. Me as the revelator, you as listener, and we will never mention it again.” His curiosity soars, and she quickly departs. Left standing at the door, Hank’s uncertainties yell at him. What was that? What is she doing? Then he remembers, “We will shortly talk.” He wonders, when will she….


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind, virginity

2598. Supreme Importance of Women

At 2594, Her Highness Femme likes a particular model of how the world works. She wonders, “Why aren’t we taught this at school?” Other phenomena about human motivation also go untaught, unmentioned, and pretty much unnoticed, but they energize the model to make things happen.

Shown below are behavioral results that we inherit at birth and that guide our lives whether we wish it or not.

First phenomenon:  Femme cited this one as new info. Men spread their seed liberally, mother-love raises the children that result, and life is all about women capturing a man to help raise the next generation. That’s why we are all here, to fulfill God’s intent (or Nature’s randomness if you prefer) of perpetuating our species.

Another phenomenon: Compatibility of the sexes is the most essential ingredient for success in that model. What is compatibility? Respect and trust for and successful dependence on the other sex, primarily made mutual by actions as perceived by men and words more than actions as perceived by women.

Whether gift of God or Nature, both sexes are born well prepared to be compatible living with a member of the opposite sex, and which both actually prefer to single life. But neither prepared nor preference is the same as dedicated.

Women prove their supreme importance; they are the worker bees. They generate and sustain compatibility. They keep its benefits aimed at relationship success. Men can’t, won’t, or don’t. Manly and even husbandly interests lie elsewhere until women show men the advantages available with womanly values and expectations about making the present brighter for their man and the future brighter for themselves.

Another phenomenon: We are all born to get our way associating with others. Taught early in a good childhood, we learn that letting others have their way can be in our own self-interest. Yielding to others signifies respect, trust, and mutual dependence and sits atop compatibility as both foundation and ingredients of love.

Another phenomenon: As people grow up, they differ over compatibility. Women pursue it, but men shy away. Men don’t instinctively know how to take it—beneficial, unfriendly, or women seeking to dominate? They question whether it fits into their anticipated roles in life. Men prefer not to yield their discretion to another without proof they will gain (competitive spirit, you know). Women apply feminine pressures to compensate and get men to live up to womanly expectations. It remains an antagonistic concept to men, however, until one woman sells one man on the concept. She successfully shows how living with her is best for him.

Another phenomenon: Self-interest is the universal motivator; we all live by the guidance it instinctively provides. Each child learns first hand or is instructed how to merge their priorities with the priorities of others who also seek to get their way. The result: We learn early in life that we face hopeless realities, suffer easy frustrations, and often want more than we get. Shortages promote frustration, initiative, and cooperation; they also provoke, determination, ambition, and competition.

As children develop and grow up, the sexes differ in their methods for getting their way with others. Males learn to utilize competition and relative competence with little regard for compatibility except with male friends. OTOH, females learn to focus on cooperation to build and sustain compatibility; first among their sex, then with males, and later within couples responsible to raise another generation.

Consequently, the more we get our way by having earned it, the more we deserve, and that’s how pecking orders develop in home, social and domestic arenas, and even on the job. We intuitively take care to see to our own interest first in support of getting our way with others. Wives and mothers know their self-interest includes care and consideration for their mate or child. Husbands and men must be taught those niceties of living together.

Another phenomenon: Without this balance-of-power phenom, one sex would have millennia ago been enslaved by the other. The balance comes from God blessing us with both a dominant and superior sex.

Obviously, males are dominant, because they act that way and the self-fulfilling prophecy confirms it. Far less obvious, seldom discussed, and acted upon too little for the self-fulfilling prophecy to confirm it, female is the superior gender. Not superior to overpower the dominance of men, but more competent in females getting their way with indirectness, patience, charm, and ability to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver their opponents, especially men (and daddy). Thus, women keep the power balanced or suffer the consequences.

Another phenomenon: Blame is the antithesis of womanly spirit of cooperation and toxic to compatibility. Consequently, bashing men or one’s husband accelerates the decline of precisely what women seek to generate or preserve. People don’t pursue or support that which puts them down. Put downs pressure men to recoup their rightness or dignity, and it is inconsistent with buy in of mutual respect, trust, dependence, and compatible life.

All those phenomena sit astride the path between men spreading seed and mothers raising future generations. They enable women to generate and maintain compatible relationships at both gender and couple levels. They enable the superior gender to lead the dominant gender out of the unpleasantness of single life. Recognized as unpleasant by women but not men, women have to sell men on a pleasant life without men knowing unpleasant. Dull or empty perhaps, but generally not unpleasant. It’s quite a challenge, but women are well-born prepared to do it.


Filed under courtship, Culture & Politics, Dear daughter, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, sex differences, The mind

2597. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 8

Hank is still not home, and he yells at the steering wheel. “She’s a witch.” Then in lower tone, “How could she have known my plan before I start? It was a good plan. Conquer and take over. Steer the bus she thinks of as romance, and I now assert should be ‘let’s get under the covers’.”

He smiles as he recalls how she so ingeniously outwits him. It happened before, and always with her mellow charm that at the end makes him proud she can so delicately get her way.

The memory of that night stirs his admiration more than his ire. As he planned, they go to their favorite place for champagne and center their focus on the inner space of each other. They enjoy a short touch of romance with smiles, gentle touching, and he quietly mumble-sings a love ballad to her with many words missing. Just as he planned.

She marvels that he knows such an old melody. Then, with little notice, he becomes quiet and disengages his interest in her and the surroundings. Seemingly troubled, she inquires of his mindset.

“Titty on your mind?” His head spins, eyes flash as if angry, but then he smiles. “How did you know?” Her smile brightens, “It’s about time.”

She continues. “Honey, you’ve honored my desires about abstinence for many months. You’ve done it with lovable spirit and gentlemanly pleasantness. It has enabled our relationship to heat up and boil beautifully, while passion fades like steam rising from the bubbles.

“You have been great to keep passion under control, to not pressure me to give in, to respect my desire to be free of sexual pressures. I love you for it, darling, more than anyone else in my past. Few men could do what you’ve done. And so, I want to better define myself to you.

“You deserve what you are about to hear. You may run off, but that’s the price I must pay to be true to me first, you second, and us above all others.

“My life is no better than I make it for myself. You are an immense help, but you’re not inside me, at least not yet. Even if you were, it would weaken our mutual devotion, because it means I betray myself.

“My father raised me with this principle. I am what I accomplish, and not what I hope or intend. He gave me the push but no suggestions, and I graduated into the teen world with traditional girlhood hopes and dreams. The mistakes of my marriage convince me, it was the right goal before and the only way afterward.

“My hopes and dreams quite naturally centered on my knight on his white charger. If he will be that sterling for me, then I should be golden for him.

“Somewhere along the line, and no one had to tell me. Too young for girlhood hopes and dreams and I now know better, I concluded that virginal was golden. After my mistakes, I believe virtual virginity symbolizes golden in all the other matters of living with someone. In other words, I may be capable of sex, but I’m much more important and valuable as a mate well kept for it rather than because of it.

“I can’t let my feelings for my knight be bleached out by someone else. He won’t be all that sterling, and I won’t be all that golden, if I let it happen. A broken marriage taught me that.

“After my divorce, the dream returned. I merely had to figure what to call it, and I chose virtual virginity—meaning I abstain until rescued for keeps.

“My real life begins when I am swept into ‘keeperhood’ to perform as intended and for which I have prepared most of my life—mistakes aside. Consequently, I am undeserving of a good enough man, if I can’t do what I pledge to myself.

“You’re getting too close for me to lose, but my objective is not yet accomplished.

“You are becoming more likeable, well-armored, and sit tall enough in the saddle to qualify as the only knight at my round table. However, your armor doesn’t yet shine brightly enough. Your stallion appears hungry, his ribs show, and he needs a wash down.

“I would betray myself, if I told you how to shine armor and feed, wash, and put away your horse. If you don’t already know what you need to complete your life, you may not quality yet as my Mr. Good Enough.

“A touch of champagne, please. And would you sing to me again?”



Filed under courtship, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, old school, sex differences, virginity

2596. Who is Responsible for Marital Success? Chapter 7

Still driving home after proposing and taking Jenny home, he remembers their courtship. After many months and asleep at home, his life changes in one night. Just a normal nightmare, but the memory of it still rocks his comfort and ease about his life and future.

On an outing near a turbulent river and after a slight drizzle, he laughs as Jenny goofs around with a turtle atop a huge boulder near their picnic table. Suddenly, she slips and plunges into the torrent below. She doesn’t come up. Rushing toward her entry spot, he sees what happened clearly in a slow-motion, step-by-step flashback. She slips, feet and hips slide, head flies back to bang the rock; splash and submergence follow. The replay, worse than the event itself, redoubles his fear and magnifies his sense of possible loss.

He jumps in, fails to locate her, and exhausts his lungs before surfacing. Hopefully, he expects to find her swimming to shore, but he finds the same nothing he found inside the torrent. He is alone and downstream. No sign of her further down. Hopefully but fruitlessly he looks upstream. No Jenny. No one else nearby to help. Grabbing his head fearfully, he yells “Jennyyyyyyyy” as he breaks down, cries, and is swept further downstream amid anguish of what can he do now?

Flopping over quickly in bed, he realizes he just heard himself yell. It was real, and he moves to dry his eyes. Screw what the neighbors think they heard. Grabbing the phone, he calls her. She’s okay, but he pours out his remaining anxiety. Too sweaty to continue in bed, he showers again to drown the memory. Instead, it redirects his thoughts toward reality. What would he do had it been real? It prompts him to figure out some answers, for which he searches amid speculation and intermittent dozing for the next few hours.

Can I live without her? Can my life even be sane without her? Replaceable or irreplaceable? That is the question. But those are silly questions. Of course, I can live without her, even a sane life. But in every stretch of self-honesty, I would never choose that option. Surprising himself, he confesses; I strongly desire to live with her alone. Yes, to the exclusion of all others and my independence. Then chiding himself, where did that dreadful thought come from?

Can I sustain our relationship as is, or must I shift into dreadful mode and follow the golden princess to wherever marriage might take us? Can I do all she says we should do? Do I even want to? Will she accept and follow me and my ambitions? Of course, I don’t really know how she feels about marriage. She’s mysterious on the subject. Most women want it though; so how am I to know, unless I propose? Uh, oh! Not a good something to think about.

Can I accept withdrawing from life outside our relationship? Will I forego all other women? Give up my independence for making decisions? Those are tough calls, but…. Hardly pleasant thoughts, so I will think about them later.

But how can I live with her, if she won’t provide sex to check out our compatibility? Marriage? Shack up? Move in together? Sure, we can get a bigger apartment and merge our lives closer together. Talk her into that and sex will surely follow, won’t it?

We have talked often about sex, but only about the marriages of other people. I sense she wants marriage, but she never pushes or even suggests it as either an option or way to go. How come? I know she plans for the future, but she never mentions ours. She leaves it up to me? Why? What do I know about marriage and raising kids? Or does she think our relationship doesn’t qualify for a lifetime commitment? Her silence deafens me about matters I now realize are critical.

I recall when the term commitment came up. She said I am in charge of such things. The same when I mentioned not dating others. She is along for whatever ride I provide. She will do whatever pleases me. Don’t know if I care to take on that pressure.

Seldom done before and usually avoided, he goes deeper into introspection.

I appreciate her silence about marriage, but why would a woman not pursue her dream more assertively? Am I not the right guy for her? Is she just toying with me until she finds someone else? Does her behavior truly signify her love of me? Only me? Really? Any signs it’s not true? Is it really true that she seeks to join my bus ride into the future? Can I let her drive while I maintain the bus?

Surprising himself, he thinks:

Hell, I love her. She must love me. How much? Can I be sure? I wonder, could we live together? Would she? Probably not. What if I propose marriage? Would she accept or refuse? It’s the question of the day? How can I find out? I’m not about to propose, if the answer will be no. What is it lawyers say? Never ask the question if you don’t already know the answer.

Wait a minute, what am I doing toying with the idea of marriage? Am I ready?  I’m not ready. She may not be the best, although she sure looks it. How do I prove it? I want her but not unless it’s my decision. Not her praying and spreading feminine charm into my life while persuading me to accept a huge new responsibility. She’s great, but I don’t bend my principles or let girls determine my life, even the most gorgeous.

What if she changes after marriage? Does she want kids? How many? But, man, she sure is qualified to blend our lives, manage our kids, prepare my toast, and kiss me off to work. She’d be like Doris Day in the kitchen of my castle. I could even claim a tax dependent. Wow! There may benefits I’ve not uncovered.

Hank recovers with new plan.

Ah,ha! Okay, that’s it. Now I got it. If she loves and wants to marry me, she will let me in her panties. She will bend, yield, and learn to appreciate my sexual competencies. Don’t know how far she will go at the beginning of such ultra smooth pressure, but it’s time to get this love-fest in a higher gear. It’s been her game of friendship development so far. Hell, I favor friends with benefits. Why have I been so quiet and accommodating of her wishes? My new campaign begins now.  I shall conquer the driver of this bus, so she can take me where it’s deservedly beneficial to me too.

But what if she throws me under the bus? Can I recover? Yes, I can, so look out tomorrow, honey, I shall replace you to steer our bus on a new course.

Meanwhile, Jenny knows to expect it. Intuitively, she already prepares for his put-out-or-else campaign. Having privately studied and perfected her strategy of managing sexual aggressiveness and turning threats into friendly banter, she uses techniques to make the competition end up her way. Her sexual history proves this: When passion drives, relationships don’t thrive.

As always, she expects to have her way, and relationship survival is paramount. Until, that is, she decides how and when conquest will happen. Delay becomes more difficult every time they are together.

As she does for each get together with Hank, she anticipates another surprise. Always ready, she doesn’t know the next will reveal Hank as up-and-coming conqueror intent on ….


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, feminine, Her glory, How she wins, marriage, old school, sex differences, The mind