Category Archives: sex differences

2753. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 05 Are You Compatible?


For the sake of clarity, I define complex matters in the simplest form. In the case of pursuing marital success—aka they never separate—the need for compatibility seems paramount. It brings to mind the lament of an old school wife: Glory be and golly gee! If its to be, it’s up to me.

Once joined in matrimony, compatibility means to go beyond love to sustain a couple’s mutual likeability, friendliness, and congeniality. Mutual love gets them started well, but it doesn’t last. Managing compatibility is easiest done by eliminating relationship toxins: by preventing the accumulation of irritants, accusations, criticism, blame, denying one’s responsibility, and other negative influences.

A couple’s compatibility requires management. Love isn’t enough for two reasons. Men love less reliably than women and even her romantic love fades in a year or two. After that, a more enduring love is essential to prevent separation. It puts the responsibility on the wife. A husband only knows how to ride along innocently; he automatically figures he is compatible or he would be somewhere else.*

Moreover, she has all the management ability. So, what does compatibility look like?

  • Sensory compatibility: It’s rooted in her immense ability to love deeply, she knows intuitively they are compatible. How can it be otherwise than right now? They are so in love. Consequently, the temporary nature of it goes unrecognized until it fades with romantic love in a year or two.
  • Mature compatibility: It’s rooted in a woman’s determination to ensure that she keeps her relationship together, and the wise wife begins immediately after the honeymoon. She can’t anticipate the frustrations and problems that lay ahead, but she can begin to strengthen their ability to live more closely and longer together.

Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate, but its left up to couples. Wife, being the relationship manager, inherits the burden to see that husband doesn’t operate at the fringe of their compatibility. She holds him closer with tactics that satisfy him more than they satisfy her. Yes, her spirit of compatibility needs to be contagious. His sense of compatibility is weak until she patiently over time inspires them both to be more mutually likeable, friendly, and congenial. Make them closer together without demanding it of husband.

It’s not her love or their love that holds them together. Marital success requires more. Particularly that which arises out of the absence of irritants, turn offs, criticism, blame, anger at one another, deep arguments, fights, and other negative influences and accusations.

Sex likenesses do not breed success in a couple. Likenesses stir competition at which wives inevitably lose. Sex differences seal them together much better, because husbands can respect women who are different, unique, mysterious, and femininely attractive.

If she’s not fully understandable, he can mumble under his breath that she’s just a woman and move on without comment. It’s a husband’s favorite hobby; it relieves pressure to say the wrong thing, and he feels good about helping to keep peace with her.

More importantly in modern times, success requires the absence of wives acting like men. Many wives envy and expect to enjoy the perquisites and privileges that husbands think are their due. Wives can’t act like a husband and expect to keep the husband they have. It nurtures competition at which she inevitably loses to him. The virtuous woman that men seek to marry are highlighted by being uniquely different from men; wives do best when they remain that way.

In short, compatibility is marvelous when husband continues to pursue wife’s presence and close association within marriage. Likeable, friendly, and congenial, all of it underwritten by her love that signals her allegiance and loyalty to him. Her satisfactions come from his actions that signify her importance in both his life and her governance of their marital arrangement.

Women need or want a mate, men don’t need one but may want one. Energized by female love, women jump right in and work at it, but men drift along with whatever a woman offers in the way of mating that satisfies their man. Her compatibility management holds them together.

If she does it right, he accepts their life together as friendly and congenial habit, and he’s more easily satisfied to live with her for life.

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*Heads up, ladies. In premarital screening, be sure to uncover each man’s habit of tossing relationship toxins into your relationship. Red flags should fly if a man is easily inclined to fault or criticize you, deny his responsibility for some things, or otherwise inflict your premarital relationship with negative inputs. It takes very little of that to poison marital compatibility after he’s unrestrained by winning you in marriage.

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2752. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 04 His Battle of the Sexes


In a husband’s mind, he won the Battle of the Sexes when he proposed marriage. She became his when she accepted what he offered. If not conquered before, the wedding night confirmed conquest. No battles left to fight or even disagree; he’s in charge but innocent of what wife has likely laid out for the days ahead.

It means that whatever battles ensue are most likely caused by wife’s desire to make things different than existed in premarital times. He marries expecting to continue as before and for her not to change, but she does. She marries expecting him to change, but he won’t. He continues his presence by filling his premarital role. She continues her presence with him with thoughts of fulfilling whatever her marital dreams have become.

His marital expectations arise automatically out of natural dominance, his commitment to obligations for which he accepts responsibility, and conviction that their relationship is steady and in no need of change. From day one, their marriage is okay, so he seeks few or no changes. The marriage runs well as is. He envisions none of the changes or improvements that she intends to make.

A man’s interest in marriage can be boiled down to one specific objective. Is he satisfied with who and what he is and who he does it with? Regardless of what she does and who she is, is he satisfied with her, living with her, and thus satisfied with his marriage? He may or may not be happy as she visualizes it, but his satisfaction with himself is more important anyway.

He bundles his mind and heart into marriage. His attitude reflects that he perceives things to be somewhat like the list below. Perception is reality; whatever appears to be, is, and so he acts accordingly. Here’s a ten-pack bundle about how the male nature works as the result of being born different from women.

  1. If she’s smiling, all is well with her. If she frowns or complains, he blames himself. He’s responsible to keep the marriage going well, but he takes personal her complaints about it. Men don’t easily accept blame or guilt from their mate. Unless his desire to please her exceeds his desire to get his way for each incident, he responds defensively, shifts to offense, and institutes competition with every intent to win. (He can’t win without her losing and vice versa once competition arises.)
  2. He’s the ultimate boss but she’s the governor over marital matters. Her authority to act on their behalf rests with his respect that she earned previously or on the job as wife. Even more so than his love of her, which makes it hard for her to both understand and accept. (He works with his mind and she works with her heart to win battles.)
  3. Their relationship is okay as is, so nothing needs managing. A relationship is good or bad, on or off, yes or no, okay or not. To him, no need to fix anything, because he can’t comprehend how except that it’s her fault and for her to correct herself. It may not be the final outcome, but that’s where his thinking begins (and competition worsens it for wife).
  4. She’s free and expected to handle those things of which he has little or no interest.
  5. He’ll let her know when things aren’t right or acceptable. Direct is his strong suit for he expects her to follow his lead. (Indirect is her strength for she finds him willing to please when she leads indirectly.)
  6. He accepted her competing with him before they married, but he expects no more of it—just her cooperation as needed.
  7. He owns their sexual agenda. Convenience, frequency, willingness, and readiness are expected. Lack of welcomeness insults him.
  8. He expects her respect, gratitude, and dependence on him for producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. It’s his primary role in marriage.
  9. He expects her to remain his bride for life. He can accept aging as cause of changes, but her careless changes in appearance and habits disappoint him unless he endorses them specifically.
  10. He doesn’t view love as the glue of their marriage. Satisfaction with her likeability is more glue-worthy with him. Her presence outweighs her love offerings, which are great, however, to confirm her loyalty (and make her feel extra good).

It happens easily for new brides. She feels shortchanged by his actions that don’t promote her importance in their life together, such as lack of attention, affection, and appreciation. He harbors the view that he paid her price to win her, what more does she expect? Whatever he showed before marriage was part of the price he paid to win her hand. Men view such special considerations necessary before but not necessarily after marriage; she’s easy to take for granted once he’s won her over to his side.

A husband’s battle of the sexes is to prevent changes to their marital arrangement that cause dissatisfaction with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. If wife can alter marital arrangements without dissatisfying him in the process, she can probably have her way in most matters.

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2750. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 03 Her Battle of the Sexes


At post 2749 I described the War of the Sexes as each woman individually and independently up against all men, competing to see who gets their way. They are blessed by nature to succeed in that arrangement. Men go where the women are, so it’s up to each woman to play her cards independently to her own advantage.

Perhaps contrary to popular thought, the Battle of the Sexes is not about male gender versus female gender, dominance vs. submissive, equality vs. fairness, husband vs. wife, responsibility vs. irresponsibility. It’s easy to believe those competitive connections to be normal. However, God didn’t design us, Nature and genetics don’t endow us, and hormones don’t energize us that way.*

The Battle of the Sexes is one on one, begins with first encounter, and she commands the battleground. One woman willing to yield her independence under the right conditions versus one man willing to suppress his dominant nature long enough to conquer her. She inherits the burden to convince him that she’s much more endearing to him personally and more valuable for his life than are his hopes of conquest.

Both are born to get their way with the other, eternal competition that only a relationship expert can manage well. He’s a conqueror seeking conquest without obligation. She’s a conqueror seeking marriage before conquest. It’s the only way she can be sure of what he is truly after, either sex or her.

With a lasso made of her beauty, mystery, modesty, monogamous spirit, and his desire to conquer, he places it around his neck. One woman cuts out that man from the herd; leads him into her corral; breaks him of bucking; and does it with vim, vigor, and vitality. Before he can get her into bed the first time, she coaches and persuades him to learn how it pleases him to be both tamed and harnessed with her as good woman. By committing to how she trains him, he finally achieves conquest and enjoys the frequent and convenient sex won by pulling her buggy through life together.

The Battle of the Sexes expands with them as a couple. They court until both are convinced they are made for each other. He makes his move with a proposal of marriage, if and when he’s convinced living with her will satisfy him more than the way he presently lives.

With all his warts and sins, she is more the challenge than he. Example: As soon as she blames him for being like all men, she hardens his resistence to her influence, which means she weakens her ability to win the battle of capturing him. It’s a contradiction she has to work out successfully in the corral of their life together, and she has more than enough ability. The time and way to start is the tough part. (Discussed more deeply in future articles.)

The Battle of the Sexes is continuous in time, daily in events, and one woman pitted against whatever man she currently faces in whatever role he fills—first encounter, friend, foe, husband, boyfriend, business associate, FWB, or whatever. It’s each woman’s personal battle, and she has no one but herself to win it. IOW, yes, it’s all up to her how well she does in both the war and her battles to get her way in life with one man.

She has to rely on herself alone. As soon as she seeks help through the aegis and protection of other women banding together or blaming all men for her man’s faults, the man she faces assumes the aura of dominance in her eyes, which weakens her position. She then takes the easy road, allows for the expected dominant pressures, and yields sex or other matters without a battle of wits. In the process, he more easily refuses to cooperate or help her win their one-on-one battle.

By disregarding dominance as having a role in her relationships, each individual female more easily cuts out one horse to put in her corral. The battle then is that one female tames one male to be civilized up to female expectations to facilitate the raising of children. Each individual woman does that to her man, and she leaves other men and women out of her life to do the same for themselves.

Tomorrow: His Battle of the Sexes

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* It appears that way because modern culture says we can’t live with the sexes being different. The political class for reasons hidden from the public for over half a century ridicule men and criticize male traits and behaviors. They blame men for female problems, which makes enemies of men, which makes women desperate to have a man, which encourages them to act more like men in order to have one of their own. IOW, if women can’t make men stand up to feminist exaggerations, copy their ambitions and lie down with them.

The professed political object centralizes power to weaken patriarchy, but the result is political makeover of America. Once, our Judeo-Christian culture was primarily female friendly. Nowadays, it’s male friendlier and getting more so.

 

 

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2748. Essentials of Successful Marriage — 01 Introduction


Seventeen years ago I set out to develop ‘a golden formula’ for successful marriage, defined as they do not separate. Not perfect and perhaps not even very good marital arrangements, but mutually satisfying for who they are and what they have as a couple plus some method to hold them together.

I was motivated by this comparison. Grace and I had 59 years of success in our one and only marriage. We saw so many broken marriages that included our three sons. Why was separation for Grace and me so difficult, and yet so easy for so many others?

I discovered that couples are not held together by common emotional connections such as love, vows, mutual likeability, legal pressures, and good intentions. All of which are prompters of motivation stronger within women than men. Although highly exploited, those connections are only fronts and often temporary. They are positive concepts and affirming emotions that help a lot but are less influential than negative disruptions that too easily pile up in pressure fronts and disturb relationship equilibrium and steadiness.

Example: Husband goes off to work with wife’s kiss and nice wishes the last thing out the door. Before the car is out of the garage, his mind is elsewhere. With men, positive endorsements of his importance to others is well known to him. It’s not a concern or worry, and he has more important matters to occupy his thoughts today.

If the same thing happens to wife, she’s more inclined to longer enjoy his departing thoughts. Perhaps until she gets to the first stop sign or light. Positive and affirming thoughts are essential for successful marriage, but they are less impressive and occupy the mind far less than statements that identify or criticize one’s individuality.

Couples are held together better by the absence of little things that accumulate, offend, and wear down one or the other mate: blame, shame, irritants, impatience, misunderstandings, criticism, nagging, fault-finding, unfilled promises, abuse, and disrespect. All of which can too easily accumulate and morph into contestable pressures so unacceptable that one or both has to escape. IOW, personal differences drown out the attractions of gender differences. Separation follows based on determination of one or the other to escape their anti-respectful, self-induced environment in which opinions differ as to one’s worth to self or the other.

Too little respect motivates one mate to express negative opinions about the other. True respect for someone discourages defining or describing their faults; respect encourages their acceptance, warts and all. So, when mutual respect is not present, love and vows and other affirming connections are not enough to hold a couple together.

The roots of mutual respect one gender for the other, one guy for one gal and vice versa goes back in time. So, it begins with how they are born to be distinctly different from birth and even before. Next, there’s a difference between the war and the battle of the sexes.

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2747. Life Made Simpler for Women — 14


  1. Her virtues are the primary influence for keeping husband in her life. He takes advantage of her admirable qualities to support his ambitions, facilitate his accomplishments, and satisfy his agenda with her. If he can’t admire how and what she is and does, his interest wanes.
  2. As they do early in life, women keep their man satisfied in old age with feminine likeability and loyalty. He didn’t back in the day, and he still doesn’t want someone other than he married—or to live by himself. He appreciates her features and habits that remain from her courtship and bridal glory, so he can age with her rather than someone else that she has become.
  3. Older wives, heads up! Men do not change to get what they want with a woman, but they will change to keep what they have.
  4. Younger women will change to please their man; older women will not. Men can’t realize and appreciate all an early wife has to offer him. It takes years before a husband discovers how much he appreciates what his wife delivers through love of him, gratefulness for herself, and dedication to their arrangement for living together.
  5. It’s not obvious, but hormonal changes morph men and women into different roles later in life. A man’s ambitions wane from lack of opportunity or ability to accomplish. His woman’s ambitions rise on prospects of grandchildren and need for new thinking to brighten the future.
  6. A man absorbed with conquering much younger women is a man married to his own adolescent self. An adultolescent or control freak! Such men don’t mate well, permanently that is.
  7. Men don’t compete with their woman. They avoid it or render a dominant decision to prevent or stop it. They do so because it contradicts their dominant nature if they lose to a weaker person, male or female.

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2744. Life Made Simpler for Women — 13


  1. What is beautiful in a wife? Perception being reality to husband, her beauty is whatever he inherits with his proposal and they began life together.
  2. Our perceptions always differ, and mine is more accurate than yours. Men believe much easier what they figure out and not what a woman tells them about relationships they happen to be in.
  3. The secret to any relationship one hopes to keep alive is to keep him satisfied with who he is and what he’s doing. Of course, it’s impossible at all times. But women who practice for years eventually master the art; they are born to win at that game.
  4. A woman’s beauty is best used to find, recruit, and capture a man. After conquest, it has much less relationship appeal, although it contributes significantly to her likeability and thus toward marriage.
  5. Picky, fussy, independent, and strongly feminine women attract the most and catch the best men, provided they mostly smile, politely listen, and remain attractive.
  6. The smarter woman out-competes other gals. She makes all men take less notice of sex and focus on who she is and what she does—which is how men measure someone’s worth.
  7. Hunters scout for self-satisfaction. A trophy deer gets wall-mounted, rabbits do not. Mentally, a husband wants to see wife remain unchanged to always remind of the superior satisfaction of earning her for his own. Whatever she was worth, he beat out those other dudes.
  8. Women don’t want to think about this. Conquest means she’s been earned, he paid her price. She is his already, and he can naturally ignore her hopes to keep him. The unconquered woman drives an armored vehicle to guard her most valuable assets. On conquest, she may or may not have the ticket to board the conqueror’s bus.

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2742. Life Made Simpler for Women — 12


  1. Inside a couple, porno-ific sex adds desire for new ways, different adventures. His respect of her fades with each new adventure. Unbalanced mutual respect sooner or later breeds incompatibility.
  2. Both sexes are born to get their way, which makes competition the most common motivator in human life. The male nature inspires men to avoid losing to weaker competitors. Sensing it instinctively, women naturally promote cooperation and collaboration to more easily get their way.
  3. Modern women seek to get their way in the present, the domain of the dominant sex. A well-favored method ridicules the man who imposes his way against hers. Ridicule reflects disrespect for him, which reinforces competition, which renews the urge for women to save face, which raises more competition.
  4. Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate. Men have the ability, but only the woman has the relationship expertise to generate and maintain it.
  5. A man’s prime mission in life is to satisfy himself with himself. It’s the foundation on which a woman produces a compatible relationship. Provided she defers conquest, of course, so she can hold his attention long enough for devotion to develop.
  6. It’s a major part of keeping himself satisfied with himself. A man needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, get some R&R, and prepare face his dragons tomorrow. If one woman won’t help, he finds another or lives alone.
  7. Mystery surrounds the male nature, intrigue surrounds how men act, and trickery surrounds the words that hunter-conquerors use to simplify conquest. Keeping her legs crossed enables a woman to unravel the mystery, decipher intrigue, recognize trickery, and decide how to proceed with each guy.

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