Category Archives: sex differences

2304. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 51-55

51. You can make few more important investments of yourself than to promote trust and respect with his family. Don’t deal with them through him unless he objects. Deal directly, which keeps him out of the middle and line of fire, but use indirectness as politically practicable. [Tactic suggested by Sharonwithmaryandmartha at 2297]

52. Building a satisfying relationship is good and far superior in his mind than you trying to make everything perfect. You can and should learn to live with faulty management, even your own as long as you try to improve it.

53. She wants to be more fully understood and can’t keep her mouth shut. By explaining and complaining so he will hopefully respond more to her liking, she hopes to convince him that she’s more important than he acts. It’s not a good strategy. He only wants to know her well enough first to conquer and then to live pleasantly with her doing whatever he expects at the moment. Sex, eat, TV, chit chat, job talk, etcetera, or perhaps just leave him alone. What he figures out about her is far more important and believable than what she tells him about herself. IOW, her nature pushes her to talk; his nature pushes him to hear only what’s important to his interests.

54. Squabble-prevention is key to preventive maintenance. Here’s a reminder checklist.

  • Cooperation compliments each other. Men aren’t natural cooperators with their wives; they have to be taught.
  • Competition challenges one or the other or both. Men avoid competition with their wives, and it earns blame for her.
  • Too loose lips irritate the masculine nature.
  • Blame inflames; that pointy finger also both stinks and points retro after a while.
  • Argument is counterproductive as it invites male dominance to arise from sleep that the relationship expert should be inducing routinely.
  • Patience reduces tension if it’s her patience and his tension.
  • Discretion shows respect, and she can never get enough.
  • Loving silence about important things nags, but the indirectness of her patience and wants make such nagging acceptable.
  • Gratefulness seals a deal to the extent it’s mutual.
  • Respect lets him defend her; her trust of him and his respect of her.
  • When self outweighs Us, he or she generates poor family leadership.
  • Trying to change him discredits her judgment; he expects her to know better than to try to change him.
  • Two captains in one ship leads to mutiny; one has to decide that the other has ultimate authority or the ship runs aground or sinks.
  • Tact works like WD-40 on a rusty hinge. Tact is also called the Vasoline of social intercourse.
  • Interrelationship progress stops with loss of temper—enough said.
  • Submissiveness is an attitude of gratitude, whichever way it flows.
  • More than understanding, mutual gratefulness balances her affection deficit disorder and his affection delivery
  • Feminine brightens his day. As one woman put it, femininity adds color to a man’s B&W world. [Alison A. Armstrong, Keys to the Kingdom, p.151]
  • People respect those who are different, unique, and powerful within themselves. Her power thrust in his face offends, whereas well-controlled internal strength is admired.
  • Loss of virginity, devotion, and marriage are recoverable. People make so many mistakes that recovery is everything. (Details in posts titled Virtual Virginity.)
  • She’s a keeper, once she learns how to keep him.
  • Hook up but no call? Moved in but no joy? Married but no peace? Then change herself, because men don’t or won’t.
  • Women are the maintenance experts, men go along to get a smooth and maintenance-free ride.
  • Learn the difference: Self interest motivates everyone. Self-centeredness motivates you. Us-centeredness motivates both. Her selfishness de-motivates him and vice versa.
  • Feminism sours his day; he senses blame as coming automatically from the ‘enemy’.
  • Her attacks unsettle his day; it forces him to respond competitively which he seeks to avoid by relying on male dominance or just escaping her presence.

55. If she’s never satisfied with him or things in their life together, it drives his thoughts to other options. Their wedding signals that she is satisfied with him, so dissatisfaction means she has changed and is no longer the woman he married.

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2303. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 41-50

41. Quit trying to be perfect and quit trying to demand that of others. No one can be perfect but you can be the most ‘good person’ that you can imagine and the kind of woman that husband finds likeable. Perfection ain’t where it’s at. If it makes you more likeable to him, it’s the right thing to do (unless, of course, it goes against your moral principles).

42. Your moral principles and religious beliefs are a major part of your likeability. Disclose them during courtship or you will lose in the end. If you wait till after the altar, disclosure turns you into a different woman, one he did not marry. If you try to get him to buy into your beliefs and convictions, you are trying to change him, and that’s offensive to him.

43. If you learned to do or think something from feminists, drop it, quit it. It will offend him sooner or later. The nature of feminist-think makes you eager to blame him, which opens competition, which makes him vulnerable to lose battles with his woman, which men avoid at all costs, which causes male dominance to explode in her face, or else he may just escape her company. It can’t be good for you in the end.

44. If your man knows your sexual activity before him, he can use it against you. And most men will if they need it to keep from losing battles with their woman in the future. Full disclosure torpedoes the female ship, which then sinks when he decides to pull the plug and let you go your own way.

45. Sharpen your thinking and promise yourself that you will remain the closest you can to the woman he married—physically, mentally, and habitually. His thinking and expectations won’t change from the woman he met at the altar. Why should you if you hope to keep him?

46. You expect him to change to meet your expectations, but he doesn’t change his way of thinking and especially not for a woman. Consequently, he expects you not to change, but you have to in order to stay flexible and capable enough to harmonize your relationship. Only you can figure out how to keep those conflicting expectations harmonized.

47. If he doesn’t want to go to church, you go anyway. Insist that it’s your way of life with or without him. Don’t complain, don’t explain, and fix his breakfast with a smile on your face so he won’t begrudge your absence. You may attend all alone for years, but he will come to love you for it and be much more likely to join you someday. He will come to admire your moral strength and loyal determination, and what he admires is a virtue and men marry virtuous women. That is, your steady church-going (and with the kids) confirms his choice; he did the right thing by marrying you (even if he never attends church).

48. Start this during courtship. Stand up for yourself long before he has a chance to tear you down. Draw some lines in the sand that you diligently protect and over which he shouldn’t step. Example: He knows long before you marry that to hit you is to lose you. Period. That’s it. Once is enough. He can expect the same result will flow as the result of his abusive language, sexual maltreatment, lack of respect for your children, failing to respect your dignity, and whatever else you determine demeans you as person, woman, wife, and mother. He needs to know clearly—and long before you’re married that you will do exactly what you say if he crosses those lines.

49. During courtship you should clear the air about his expectation of your submission vs. your submissive spirit dedicated to supporting him. To submit is to follow his will as he directs it. However, you also have free will. You should reject his concept of submission and offer your alternative of a submissive spirit. To be submissive follows his will but is tempered by his recognizing and accommodating your interest and need.

50. Explain this difference to him and don’t allow him to change the arrangement. You have a submissive spirit that seeks to follow his lead in relationship, family, and home matters. It doesn’t mean automatic submission to his will over yours. You don’t or won’t accept what’s imposed upon you arbitrarily. But you will accept the same thing if it flows out of some form of negotiation or advance notice that invites your input. Certain decisions are his to make because he’s directly responsible for the results. Without including wife as advisor or worthy of advance notice, he can too easily demote her dignity as partner and carry an attitude of expectation that suggests she’s his slave.

Men wear submission as a biblical right, when it’s only a matter of privilege. While they deserve the role, they don’t deserve the honor without involving their wives. I describe the female authority in my book, Where Did All the Good Men Go? Chapter 8 describes both the female right and role, which are far different from masculine claims.


Filed under courtship, dear daugher, feminine, How she wins, sex differences

2302. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 31-40

31. Clear the air before it needs cleaning. As a prospective bride, work out a contract with your prospective mother-in-law. First, pleasantly and respectfully seek her permission to ‘take away’ her little boy. Make sure mother approves of you as son’s bride. (If she doesn’t, it’s another ballgame for discussion elsewhere.) After getting her approval, get approval on this second step. I ask that you never complain to him about me. If you think ill of me in any regard, please let me know and give me a chance to rectify it before you involve him. Our marriage won’t work unless he’s out of the middle between you and me. By the same token, I can’t and won’t dump my problems with him in your lap. We women can work things out best all by ourselves. He’s totally my problem if you totally give him up.

32. Regarding his responsibility of producing, protecting, providing, and problem solving, wife has one primary role: encourage, support, praise, respect, appreciate, and crown his effort with whatever forms of glory she can find that makes him like himself. Be honest, don’t overdo it, and focus on his accomplishments rather than his treatment of her. (It doesn’t mean she yields up her dignity. She doesn’t water down her standards, expectations, or principles. She makes what he needs merge amicably with who and what she is as his wife. By confirming his importance for his accomplishments, she becomes more likeable to him, which grows his love of her.)

33. About his job, she knows nothing but what he tells her, which has a strong bias to make him look good or others to look poorly. She should not advise him how to handle conditions at his workplace. He knows best even when confused. For her to interfere is to show she thinks him inadequate. Furthermore, she can’t know both sides of the politics. Her advice or expectations for him could easily put him in the wrong if he heeds her biased and incomplete interpretations.

34. When he stumbles, falls, or fails either physically, mentally, or financially, don’t pick him up. Provide the necessary health care but not recovery fare. Smile, generate fun to divert his attention, make yourself likeable about other matters, encourage his picking himself up, give him hope, keep sympathy to yourself, and otherwise enable him to escape his indignities by himself. That way, he thinks only he recognizes the indignities. It makes him grateful that you don’t see him as a failure but only as a ‘recoverer’ or admired survivor.

35. Enable your children to self-develop. Guide their father into helping with the process. Of course, guide, lead, admonish, and discipline them. But do the least possible to avoid de-motivating them. There is no such thing as motivation, there is only self-motivation—and it begins in toddlerhood, which is how and why children are self-developers. Turn them away from self-development and they respond as problem children.

36. Women can trust someone without respecting them. Men can’t or won’t; they insist that their respect for someone be earned. If you can’t or don’t respect your man, you can expect that he thinks you don’t trust him, which comes back in the form of his not respecting you, which is the foundation of a man’s love. So, lack of respect for your man almost guarantees that his love will weaken or worse, which comes from your being less likeable because he doesn’t feel as good about himself as previously.

37. If he shows signs of undue jealousy or mistrust of you, it reflects his conviction that men cheat and, therefore, women must cheat as easily. He’s ill informed about that connection, but many men believe it. It does not mean that he cheats or intends to cheat and, in fact, could very well mean that he is faithful but is wary that you might cheat—modern women have made it fairly common, it would seem. So, don’t distrust him just because he seems to suspect you intermittently. Let him see no actions that make him suspect you, and don’t blame him until proof is very evident that he cheated.

38. He likes to be direct and expects you to be the same. However, your nature advises indirectness, because it makes you more flexible and influential. So, you have the tougher task of avoiding directness when he expects it most and you can least afford to provide it. That horse is difficult to stay astraddle when trying to jump over bigger disagreements.

39. Once he conquers you, your appearance is not nearly as irresistible. The hot-stuff season of romantic love fades in a year or two. During that time it’s up to you to develop the attractions that tease his curiosity and spur his imagination to picture getting into bed with you rather than others. Without your planting that picture in his heart, his curiosity and imagination go neutral about you.

40. Never reject him for sex. Instead, just use this claim: I really don’t feel like it now. Can you please accommodate my wishes? Resist nicely and pleasantly as if he owns you. Then follow his lead. Also, don’t use the claim falsely or it means nothing in the future except to anger him. He gave up his independence for you; you owe him everything that he desires because he deserves it. (Of course you can argue it isn’t fair; I’m just reporting how his nature responds to conqueror’s right that guides his thoughts about sex. You won him for however you use him and whatever you can get out of him; that’s a lot. He conquered you expecting to have his sexual urges satisfied frequently and conveniently. That, by comparison, isn’t much. If you’re too frequently unavailable, he did a lousy job by choosing you. You won’t sleep well if that thought preoccupies his mind.)


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2301. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 21-30

21. You already know that sex is not the most important function in your relationship. Except for his getting enough of what he expects, don’t let your disappointments control the relationship. Patience is one of a woman’s most natural and beneficial talents. When your disappointments show, he takes offense.

22. Never, never, never, never in any way find anything but praise for his lovemaking. What you don’t like, be silent. You can teach yourself to manage all his sexual interests into forms that don’t offend and results that please you. It may take years too. Positive feedback works best, but it clashes with the female nature to perfect her man impatiently, which brings out her negative opinions. You should overcome with patience if you hope to have Mr. Right emerge in a few years.

23. Inspired by an off-blog discussion with Prettybeans, I developed a tactic to take some worry out of 22 just above. Make the following an academic exercise, a clash of wits rather than will. Long before you yield to his conquest, ask boyfriend what the three acts of sex mean. What does foreplay, intercourse, and afterplay mean to a woman? Put him on his own, give him time to research it. Regardless of his response, just reply this way: Nope, it means intimacy, intimacy, and intimacy in three acts. He asks what do you mean. You always respond with one answer: “Intimacy, intimacy, intimacy and you’ll have to figure it out.” Neither complain nor explain further. If he wants to please you, he hunts for ways to provide intimacy; it will be more durable if he figures out how. You want him to live forever with these thoughts preying on his heart. What is intimacy as she sees it? Am I doing it right? Am I doing enough? Am I pleasing her? Should I try harder to provide intimacy? IOW, he measures his performance by thinking of you and your need rather than just his own. (Remember: Men think that her orgasm is enough; it’s all that is required of a good man and foreplay gets accelerated and afterplay gets lost in cigarette smoke or sleep.) Some day he will likely learn to deliver pleasure as you desire it. His heart will settle into a rhythm that truly pleases you. You may then find less fault with his lovemaking. But it starts with his clear conviction that you need intimacy because you made a big issue of it when you could, i.e., before conquest.

24. Before marriage you compete assertively to protect your sexual assets from premature conquest. After marriage, that kind of competition is out of place. Cooperation that you initiate, manage, and perpetuate produce a couple with a much brighter future together. (Husbands don’t compete with their wives; they fear losing to a woman they have conquered. It’s an avoid-at-all-cost natural mindset and attitude that originates in the masculine heart.)

25. Don’t criticize the person but the deed. Else, it turns your spirit sour. The old argument about constructive criticism is garbage from his woman to her man. If you can’t get more out of him without criticism, it may be because he’s the wrong man for you, you’re the wrong woman for him, or you’re not trying hard enough to build your indirect influence.

26. Your natural patience is the enabler that allows you to avoid criticizing others. Women who criticize expose a female heart that is neither gentle nor an irresistible attraction, both of which are not natural. It changes the routine hurdles into high jumps and pole vaults.

27. Teach your children to enjoy learning. They simply like to learn new stuff. Your need from time to time to feed them constructive criticism will work much better. However, when blended or the blending of families is involved, blame and even constructive criticism toward the other family’s members halts blending. The criticism is felt by all.

28. Choose your battles. Learn to tell what is worth bringing up and discussing and what is better to just let go and forget. [from Anita at 2298]

29. What’s worth fighting over? Every woman can use the experience of making decisions that promote her best interest. So, for every time that you choose the answer that something is not worth fighting over, you choose the path to preserving peace. It benefits you three ways: a) You gain experience moving toward harmony rather than disturbing the peace. b) It keeps him at least mollified until he gets over whatever disturbed him or you. c) More peace and harmony follow peace and harmony much more easily than they follow contrary conditions.

30. If it’s worth fighting over, remember that the one most fearful of losing the other is the weakest of the ‘battlers’. Once a battler is weakened, they are much easier to do without. Taken to the extreme for a woman, nothing then is worth fighting over. If she wins, he loses face, which makes her less likeable and him more ready to not lose the next round even if he has to leave to avoid it. If he wins, his reliance on his dominant nature strengthens, which makes it ever harder for her to win a battle. (This point is worth a repeat: Husbands don’t compete with their wives; they fear losing to a woman they have conquered. It’s an avoid-at-all-cost mindset that resides in the masculine heart.)

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2300. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — And Likeability

Motto: PRiM is very proper, ‘cause he doesn’t drop her.

For reasons having to do with the way men love differently from women, I connect all the emotional attractions of one person for another. It includes shortcomings that don’t disqualify but are found acceptable enough to be ignored. All of it rolled up into one fluffy little love ball called their likeability, which makes them uniquely different to every other person.

Everyone is as likeable as each other individual determines them to be. No two people judge or are judged alike. As women view love, it is inadequate to describe masculine behavior; men just don’t think and act the same way. Likeability closes the gap. It enables us to talk about men and women as they couple up and understand why mates do and don’t stay together. Why preventive maintenance before the fact is far superior to relationship management after the fact.

Likeability summarizes a person’s appeal to another. Your likeability to guy A is enough for him to marry you, but guy B wouldn’t think of it. OTOH, guy A’s likeability means nothing to you, but you’d give your heart and soul if guy B would just pay attention to you. It means you need to look for guys C, D, E, F, and G.

One’s likeability includes all the appealing attractions such as physical attractiveness, mental compatibility, love, like, affection, mutual respect, trust, patience, indirectness, and every other kind of trait and habit that appeals favorably to the other. Those features and habits that a man admires in a woman are virtues. The more virtuous, the more likeable to that man. As a woman sees desirable attractions in a man, she sees high merits. The more and higher the merits, the more likeable to that woman.

Likeability is personal taste and couple-connected. If each person remains likeable enough to the other, they tend to stay together. As life progresses, virtues and merits lose and gain importance. If virtues or merits weaken, then the couple starts to lose common interest, part their togetherness, and finally split their partnership or mated connection. So, as used here, ‘likeable’ means tending to glue one person to another and if likeability is mutual, a couple may form. If mutual enough, they may stay together. Unlikeable that may come later after a couple forms initiates the separation process although it never has to go that far.

As usual, there’s a catch. PRiM is the process of making oneself more likeable to another and finding more likeability in the other. However, we lack the ability to improve without error another person’s respect, trust, love, patience, etc. IOW, we should forget the details and work on the big picture.

The catch is this paradox. You make yourself more likeable in two ways: a) by making him like himself better; b) by making yourself a better person. Not by trying to be more likeable yourself, although you should frequently take inventory by evaluating yourself against how he treats you. We all like to associate with people with whom we like ourselves. Without trying or even thinking about it, we like ourselves when with them; they are likeable to us and we usually mate with the most likeable.

This is PRiM in simplest terms. The primary job of keeping a man’s love is twofold. a) She does whatever it takes to read her man and keep herself both respected and likeable in his eyes. b) She does whatever it takes to find and keep her man likeable in her eyes. Both are required and relatively simple but not easy for a relationship expert.

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2299. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 11-20

Motto: PRiM is very proper, ‘cause he doesn’t drop her.

11. Don’t purposely change your personality for the sake of trying to please your man. Don’t try to change the relationship in a major way. Let the little events and interactions in life, such as described in this series, enable you to harmonize your personality with his and vice versa. Preventive maintenance and not management is the objective.

12. You are not his parent so be sure he doesn’t view you as acting like it. Neither nurturing nor mothering a good husband make.

13. Trust your man and make sure he knows it. Trust as in produce, protect, provide, and problem solve. Frequently confirm your dependence on his accomplishments, achievements, and especially recoveries. Silence about sexual cheating implies trust. The path to his fidelity follows this thinking. He convinces himself that your general trust reflects deep respect and gratitude in all that he does, and he doesn’t want to lose that. IOW, he enjoys living up to you as the more all-together person, although he can never admit it in those terms.

14. Don’t disturb your man when he’s intensely focused on doing something. Interruptions disturb his self-admiration, which motivates him in the first place, and may slow achievement of self-satisfaction, which motivates him to finish the current task. IOW, interruptions disturb the two major motivational forces that drive him to do everything that he does or feels responsible for. Subliminally, disturbances and interruptions insinuate that you don’t think much of him as a man, at least not one valuable enough to let him finish what he set out to do. Subliminally again, you think you know better. (Near-emergencies exempted of course.)

15. Try to get this agreement before you marry. Together you will pray and read the bible daily. Set some goals. You may have to coach him gently to get him started. But after days and days of success (practice), he may surprise you.

16. He deserves you and what you bring to the table that makes life so enjoyable for both, and not the other way around. If you act like you deserve whatever he does on your behalf or to please you, then you undo another bolt that holds closed his door to the outside of your relationship.

17. As soon as possible take the focus off every little problem that arises. Resolve at whatever the cost to you and shift the subject before bitterness can emerge. Focus on what makes you more likeable to him and him more likeable to you. Your efforts that enable him to recover make your likeability sparkle, which diverts attention and takes the heat away from disagreement.

18. Don’t complain to anyone about his habits, frailties, or mistakes. If you need help, ask others for it without knocking him in the process. When you complain about him, it programs your heart against and weakens your own interest in him. Such changes in you are detectable by him, which tends to make you less likeable. Even worse, your girlfriends could spread what you say and his reputation gets to him and back to you.

19. Don’t compare him to other men, because he will lose and feel defeated or win and stop improving himself. Compare him to himself and how far he has come. [from Anita at 2298]

20. Feminine superiority lies within this thought: She doesn’t have to outfight him. She can outsmart him—as long as he’s unaware. She can out maneuver him—as long as he’s willing to pay her price. Her nature puts her in charge so long as she stays in feminine character and permits him the same in masculine character. Success requires her patience and liking of him, plus his liking of her patience, understanding, forgiveness, and hopefully—but not likely—forgetfulness.


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2298. Preventive Relationship Maintenance — Guy’s PRiM: 1-10


Motto: PRiM is very proper, ‘cause he doesn’t drop her.

  1. You are entitled to a dignified role within the relationship, family, and home. Insist on it early; don’t let it creep away from you. Dignity enhances respect, which is essential for man to love woman.
  2. Eliminate blame from the home and family. Chop off that pointy finger. It erects defensive barriers and stirs relationship competition that men intend to always win. Also, the receiver of blame immediately dislikes the finger owner regardless of accuracy or what’s deserved.
  3. Eliminate bitterness wherever it appears in your home. Don’t allow it to persist or grow, especially in yourself. It stinks up the family atmosphere and ultimately produces the same effects as blame except it works slower and is more deadly for both marriage and family.
  4. First thing every day get control of yourself and your life before you encounter family who is up and about. Mirror time starting at post 2123 describes the best way to do it. If you don’t “own” yourself and control your role in your world, you won’t be able to manage both your day and those you should to your or their satisfaction.
  5. Sour leaders beget sour followers. Look endlessly for ways to be grateful for yourself first, mate second, and others third. Gratefulness is the essence of your happiness, and that is the essence of the happiness of females and satisfaction of males in your immediate family.
  6. If you’re not the family’s model for giving, taking will become habitual for most other family members.
  7. Raise your daughters so that father is extremely proud of them. Pristine behavior and strong character are the traits most admired by fathers.
  8. Treat him as if he’s more intelligent than you. It’s ego-stroking that he needs. But he can easily persuade himself that you have the superior brainpower when he doesn’t have to face that fact directly.
  9. Demand nothing of anyone (except over safety issues with children). You’re wonderfully prepared to influence others with feminine charm, persuasion, and patience—to demand belittles you as lacking personal calmness, influence, and conviction that you expect others to heed you.
  10. The softer your voice, the better everyone listens. The better they listen, the better they hear. They better they hear, the better you get your way.


Filed under courtship, Dear daughter, How she wins, sex differences