Category Archives: sex differences

2651. Strategy for Courtship — 04: Expectations 1-10


Women love to share their love of someone. Many intuitively find it difficult not to do so. OTOH, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Without his having earned whatever she gives—e.g., love or other signs of her appreciation of him—it will at least be under appreciated and may be meaningless to him. If he doesn’t have to earn her, he doesn’t invest himself and match his interests up with hers. It’s the definition of he’s not worthy of her.

By her providing unearned gifts, she discourages his investing of himself in their mutual concerns. Consequently, he may stay awhile, but he sees no reason to stick around. By giving away her appreciation, love, or sex in fear that she will lose him, she plants the seeds and soon harvests the crop of his dumping or later abandoning her.

  1. Men in courtship are much the same as in marriage; they expect to satisfy themselves with themselves and their life. He dates and courts an attractive and likeable woman who satisfies and adds to his satisfaction with life today. Any promise he foresees living together with her adds to the potential of satisfying him today and not in the future that she so eagerly envisions. IOW, he’s mostly concerned with his present more than his future life.
  2. In spite of her belief that she’s in charge with her love and personal likeability, success does not begin until he becomes devoted to her. His devotion arises out of his investment of time and effort to please her, because she’s so likeable to be around as woman or sex target.
  3. His conversion from liking her to devotion to her triggers his conversion from her as sex target to her as more important than sex with her.
  4. It’s how they interact cooperatively that makes courtship move onward. However, a man is too independent and competitive to value cooperation and mutual interaction as the main keys to success as a couple. So, if progress is in the air, she probably put it there.
  5. A man can’t love well, if he’s not respected and admired. Success follows the gal who respects and admires a man as the main pathway to earning his love. Showing her devotion is not the same thing. Always trying to please him shows up in his eyes as she needs him, which is not the compliment she intends. He loses respect because she acts desperate, too fearful of losing him.
  6. Women can and like to show their love suddenly and easily, but men can’t, don’t, or won’t. Her best tactic is to make him earn her love, and not give it so freely that he figures he already has her under his dominance.
  7. Until his love fully develops much later, the early match up with her love of him is his respect she has earned and his admiration of qualities that appear as her virtues. Combined with holding his interest high, his respect and admiration confirm or help develop his devotion to her.
  8. It begins in dating and continues in courtship. He earns her and not the reverse. When a man sees that a woman has totally invested herself in him, he has it made so to speak, and he can quit or ease off trying. The challenge is reduced or gone. Fewer manly actions mean less devotion, and it has to do less with her than with his nature to be efficient and not waste effort.
  9. Mutual likeability, mutual respect, and mutual loyalty convince a man to neutralize his inborn nature to conquer others. She either wins his loyalty to her exclusively, or his conquering nature remains tied to finding sex elsewhere.
  10. Men respect those who earn their respect. Until they conquer each female, they highly value her sexual assets more than her. So, the more protective of her assets and delay of his conquest, the more easily and the more of a man’s respect she earns.

A man’s devotion to a woman is the hallmark of impending success in courtship. More to follow.

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2650. Strategy for Courtship — 03: The Process II


Primarily men are producers; they make things happen. Women are processors; they make relationships work. Courtship is a process, which means a structure exists for it, and women are far more responsible for success than men.

Two conditions are necessary for courtship to succeed long term. 1) His respect of her that she has to earn. 2) Her love of him that she should make him earn in spite of her emotional connections that arise easily and early.

Two turning points determine the stages of the courtship process: conquest and his devotion to her.

A man’s devotion develops from actions that please her more and more for the purpose of pleasing her. It thereby keeps her satisfied and more interested in what he does, especially for her. His devotion becomes well bonded, when he habitually pleases her for little more than to please himself.

The pressure for conquest is ever present. She determines when it happens, and it consequently shifts them into another courtship stage.

Four courtship stages exist. Each has its own characteristics, none without risk to her.

A. They do not have sex and his devotion to her has not developed. Her best interest is to work harder to gain his respect, which is more easy by foregoing sex and magnifying his intent to not let her escape without conquest. Frustrated desire for sex motivates a man to work harder to earn a woman. OTOH conquest motivates a man toward other things than pleasing her, perhaps another woman.

B. They do not have sex but his devotion to her has developed. As he becomes devoted in spite of her withholding sex, it is the most promising she can expect. She’s doing courtship right. Her future with him seldom looks brighter.

C. They do have sex but without his devotion. This is the most risky for her; his intentions can change with little provocation. Without his devotion, her hold on him is fragile at best.

D. They do have sex and he is devoted to her. Her prospects may look favorable, but conquest releases him to also look elsewhere. So, matters may be more temporary than permanent, but usually hopeful until he pulls back or dumps her for whatever reason.

E. They have been doing sex together, but she decides to stop. He may or may not be devoted. Women are often unsure of their boyfriend or courting man. This extra stage E is designed to uncover whether he’s after her or just sex, or if he’s as devoted as he says. For reasons that are bigger than she—such as religious conviction or moral imperative—she begs off providing sex. If he doesn’t honor her desire to go chaste for some reason above herself, he is not all that committed to her; it reflects an unreadiness and perhaps unwillingness to build a future with her.

How a woman handles herself and conducts relationship connections depends on which stage she currently is in. If you question me about any courtship subject, mention the stage by A, B, etc. as you are currently engaged, and my response will be more relevant to your question and cause.

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2649. — Strategy for Courtship — 03: The Process I


Her Highness Msarianne inspired this article. She asks at post 2270 how a lady can get a man to feel [a very exciting] sort of love toward her.

A lady can’t, but the subject makes a good beginning to the courtship process.

He’s in charge of concluding that he’s in love. Also, he recognizes that he’s already qualified to satisfy her wants and needs. A man has to fall in love by himself, but it arises out of who she is, what she does, why she does it, and how she handles him.

WHO. To him she is always very attractive, more than most gals. She possesses qualities he can admire as virtues. She is confident of her feminine self. Independently and with determination, she enjoys her likeable personality and guards her roles in life that reveal no desire to be like a man. She’s different and proud of it.

WHAT. She is an imposing character/girlfriend/woman in his presence and one of whom he’s proud when among other men and women. He enjoys her company more than that of others and often prefers it to his own. She earns his respect as woman and potential mate, and she does it primarily by refusing conquest and secondarily by her accomplishments that he can admire. She doesn’t try to convince him of her love; honest attempts by her too easily make him think she’s desperate, which undermines his respect of her.

WHY. She focuses her attention on what he does and especially on what he says. She listens so attentively that he admires her good taste and judgment. She tempers any contradictions she might have with the charm of an ardent supporter but with an ounce for him to reconsider. He may be off base, but she doesn’t tag him out.

HOW. She treats him as her king without explaining, complaining, or disclosing why she feels that way. She lets her actions speak. She has a special way of eliminating his fears of losing her but not his doubts about it. She doesn’t let him be certain that she is his. She observes and encourages his devotion to rise out of his actions taken for the purpose of pleasing her. She keeps disappointing events to herself except those that shock her or may disqualify him.

He figures out all those things without depending on her words to convince him. IOW, it’s not what she says but what she does. From which he concludes not only that he likes her but wants more of her charming ways and feminine style in his life. Captivated by her likeability and presence, he wants more of it.

Women should aim their ambitions toward those points above, and slow their eagerness to bring three little words into play before the guy does. Even after he claims to love her, she should not confirm her own love until he proves it with actions that match his words. It takes several or many months for a man to determine that he wants her more than he wants sex with her. The difference becomes evident to him as his devotion grows, and she becomes more attractive or important than his single life.

In summary, she is hard to get both sexually and otherwise. Never a sure thing, she always encourages his effort to win her hand—even if she has no intent to marry him when they start going together.

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2648. Strategy for Courtship — 02: Beliefs (cont’d)


Undeveloped and mistaken beliefs hold women back and let good men get away. To masculine eyes, poor attitudes flow out of women who stick to pop culture and feminist values, standards, and expectations. The roots of female common sense follow below. Each item affects relationship development throughout dating and courtship. The list that began at 2647 continues.

4. It grows in popularity. Men are to blame for women’s problems. However, it’s all leftist inspired in a political strategy designed to pit gender against gender, group against group. God designed men to be the ‘friendlies’ of women—providers, protectors, producers, and problem solvers—and well prepared to be recruited to serve women raising kids. If all men are not viewed as friendlies by the gal looking for a sweet courtship, she’s unlikely to fulfill her hopes. What man can believe in a woman’s love, if she thinks other men are bad or enemies? It’s hard to believe that he’s as unique and worthy as she claims, if she tries to convince him with an attitude soured by blame.

5. A lady said this, femininity adds color to a man’s black and white world. Feminine comes from a woman’s belief in her heart that opposite of masculine is best for her. Examples: She exploits her natural modesty to get her way. She refuses to stay around man-talk and boyish behavior. She favors monogamy. She trusts men and her ability to keep them in line. She insists that her natural sensibilities not be offended by guys; i.e., shut up or leave. She knows her competition for a man is other women. She dresses to show off physical rather than sexual attractiveness. She paints her toenails. She brightens her countenance with red lipstick. She demonstrates modest taste in making herself physically attractive all the time and not just for dates. In short, she’s as opposite of men as a female can distinguish herself in good taste. It’s her non-masculine uniqueness that appeals most to men and virtuous to those seeking to marry.

6. Men seek to marry a virtuous woman, but what is virtue? Not what your mother taught. Basically, it’s anything about a gal that a particular man admires. Thinking in background, men prioritize virtues. Each woman possesses sexual assets and has potential, but a man’s admiration depends on her overall attractiveness and his imagination. He can admire her assets with just the thought of exposed breasts and groin area. Second virtue, she has not been conquered except by a husband and even that is one strike against her. If available to other men, it had better not be many and none that he knows or will likely encounter—could be second and third strikes. Third virtue, all her other qualities that he admires, mixed and combined into who she is and what she looks like. Of particular value are the feminine qualities that make her stand out among her peers and attract other men such that his competitors envy his ability or potential to conquer her. The first virtue is instinctive, second is highly desirable, and third is a collection that accumulates into total worth as each man sees her differently. Then each man makes his own determination of whether she’s virtuous enough to marry or not.

7. The foundation of a man’s love is his respect of her. Women have two ways of earning a man’s respect and by far the first and best is this: She refuses conquest and his respect grows for her holding out over time and against his persistence. Withheld long enough, his respect strengthens unconditionally and lasts for life (even though marriage may not) by her defeating his most primal sex drive. After conquest, she earns his respect with accomplishments about which he can admire her, but it’s conditional respect and unlike the former. It reinforces, however, whatever self-respect she has already earned and can strengthen his love.

The seven principles above, when accepted as beliefs, work in background to shape a woman’s attitude. Having an attitude highly admired by men helps in the process of both dating and courtship. The process is next.

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2647. Strategy for Courtship — 02: Beliefs


I know most of you gals look for WAYS and WHAT to do to improve your relationship record; e.g., rules. I think the WHY and HOW you do something is more essential for success; e.g., mindset. So, I now focus on tying some things together before we get to the details.

Why aren’t modern gals more successful with men? When specialists can’t succeed in their own specialty, i.e., relationships, their attitude reflects a mindset that more responsibility can improve. Modern-day relationship specialists ignore their natural talent, ability, and attraction and believe things that hurt their cause.

Change one’s attitude and they change their life. But nobody wants to change their attitude. It’s too personal; it reflects who they are. Furthermore, one can’t just up and directly change what’s in their heart. It has to be replaced by another attitude that arises out of a different belief. Replace one belief with another and one’s attitude changes.

So, I shall not encourage you to change and make your life better. Instead, I’ll describe what’s inside you, several beliefs different from those you carry around hunting a good man. You can decide if and how you want to believe any of the following.

Undeveloped and mistaken beliefs hold women back as they try to embolden men to pursue them in courtship. Poor attitudes flow out of women who stick to pop culture values, standards, and expectations. The following are roots of female common sense for dealing with men.

  1. Being the relationship expert, each woman is responsible to prompt whatever manly behavior supports and energizes one man’s pursuit of her. IOW, she does whatever prompts him to earn her and not the other way around. She leads indirectly as if in background mode, gives up little for nothing, appreciates his investment of himself in her, but doesn’t reveal that she’s similarly invested. Without accepting full responsibility for relationship success and failure, she doesn’t learn from relationship turmoil or failure. It’s too easy to blame the guy, especially the one who dumps her, and it closes her mind to self-improvement.
  2. Women are born to be good and motivated to do good. They confirm goodness by doing good, and it makes them more appealing and worthy in the eyes of selves and others. Especially men, who are born with the ability to do good but not motivated to be good. Any drive to be good interferes with their competitive drive to get what they want. It takes a good woman to influence a man to exploit his ability to do good, usually to please her, and thus he too becomes good. Women don’t talk about it, but it underwrites the hopes and wishes they have of improving their husband over the years. His doing good makes her even better. Seldom does a woman seek to make her husband worse than he already is in her eyes. It all, however, begins in courtship; if she isn’t good and tries to do good, her credibility does not convince him to follow her example.
  3. The natural and excited urge of females to share their love motivates a gal to spread her words of love and affection. It’s a mistake in courtship. Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. Consequently, her freely given love earns her little or nothing in return. In dating and courtship, she should make pursuers earn her loving words. Far better for her to make guys earn every little favor she shows them. Everything is to be earned, if she is to be won; e.g., third date before first kiss; avoid passionate moments until she decides; his devotion appears before she offers those three little words. Her affectionate actions convince more effectively that he’s truly loved; much better than her words of love. It works because guys believe what they figure out more than what they are told. It also self-encourages them to try harder to impress or please her, and their actions program their heart to favor her more over time, and out of which arises his devotion. Men don’t just walk away from their lengthy investments, so time encourages his greater investment, tendency to bond, and devotion development.More common sense about virtue, femininity, respect, and political opposition follow next.

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2645. Strategy for Courtship — 01: Introduction


Dating and courtship can be defined and described many ways. The battle of the sexes revolves around both sexes being born to get their way with the other. I write about the version that empowers and enables girls and women to get their way and make guys appreciate the feminine way.

This is the major battle. Whoever gets their way—the guy to achieve conquest without future obligation, or the gal to achieve marriage without yielding—wins. When the guy wins, the gal may or may not win depending on his decision before conquest. She can end up as keeper, booty, or disposable.

I write about courtship without sharing sex. If you find no interest in dating and courting that way, you may still uncover in what follows some insight into why gals should not relinquish courtship governance to guys. Example: Feminine qualities are admired by men as virtues. Her greatest virtue is possession without use of sexual assets. The more and better she withholds them, the more and better a man respects and admires her. A man’s love is founded on respect of a woman, and so keeping her legs crossed earns a guy’s respect, admiration, and whatever love he develops associating with her. With legs crossed, women can get their way. With legs apart, guys don’t bond as women expect, and gals lose their courtship supremacy.

Men are motivated two ways. When they can’t conquer a gal, they can get serious and even dedicate themselves to chasing her until she yields. The longer he pursues her, the more he invests himself with actions that program his heart in her favor, and men don’t easily walk away from lengthy investments.

When gals yield the first time, that guy is free to chase others. It’s not her or her fault, it’s his nature to conquer every attractive female that will have him.

A woman is best served by this courtship strategy: He chases and wins her without access to her sexual assets until they marry. It may not always play out that way, given the pressures of passion and pleasures of sex. The longer it plays out that way, however, the greater his investment of himself in her interests. By far, it’s the superior strategy by which the superior gender can handle the dominant gender and promote the female’s  self-interest.

Why is that? Because a man changes dramatically as the result of conquest. It’s not her fault but his two sex-drive nature. All she did was yield out of love, wish to satisfy him, and hope he would bond. He doesn’t bond, he admires and satisfies himself with accomplishment, and her risk skyrockets of doing without him.

Hardwired this way from birth, conquest releases him from chasing her, and he becomes free to chase another. He may dispose of her as inadequate for him. Or, he might choose to stay with her, if she has earned enough of his respect and interest for proceeding together as either booty or for long-range mating.

While not a popular strategy today, the one I propose above flooded the social marketplace back in the day when most men sought to marry and settle down with a good woman. We can’t turn back the clock, but the foundation of men seeking to marry a good woman is founded on the respect a woman earns by possessing a great virtue and withholding it until a man invests himself sufficiently to step up and meet her expectations.

If a woman can’t learn to get her way in courtship, she’s short of what it takes to get her way in marriage, where men want little to do with managing the domestic side of living together.

While not nearly as impressive as crossed legs for shaping manly attitudes, women are blessed with characteristics that generate attractive and feminine attitudes for men. It’s next.

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2644. Affection for Intimate Moments Only?


Her Highness Sarina inquired with a subject I pondered for several years. The bold questions are hers. (Courtship series promised but not yet ready.)

“Sometimes I wonder: should wives keep affection strictly for intimate moments only?”

Yes, mostly, except for wise women who work their feminine talent to get it more often as shown below. She lives for moments of affection and intimacy and reaches for it with hugs, kisses, and words. Although he may have developed an expectation in childhood, he isn’t born with the need of affection and intimacy, which makes its importance relative to what’s on his mind.

“Are men irritated when wives constantly hug and lavish them with sugary words?”

Yes, but not for the reason you might expect. Hugs and sugary words are enjoyable, confirm his importance, and can lead to sex. It’s irritable for two reasons. 1) Men don’t like surprises, even small ones from people who ought to know them better. 2) Her timing disrupts his preoccupation with something else that to a man is usually more important than affection.

Men are in thought processes constantly and affection plays a tiny if any role. Thinking preoccupies them. Even sitting around and apparently unoccupied, they think about accomplishments, ambitions, plans, jobs, intentions, their competition, what to do next, and other ways of earning self-admiration. Their first and awesome responsibility is to stay on top of their lives with those in it and to do what’s proper and necessary. Hugs, sugary words, and proactive displays of affection are not part of that mental agenda, except when men want something. Thus, interruptions are usually unwelcome.

Even worse, interruptions can irritate. Couples usually learn to live with irritations. This is hard to imagine, but couples come in every version possible. When interruptions of hugs and sugary words register as irritation, her likeability can deteriorate in his mind. Enough deterioration and his love begins to wilt. Too many interruptions aka surprises to fill her bank of convictions that she’s important to him, and she may push him away. A better way exists to draw him into her feminine web and displace interruptions with desirable consequences.

Women instinctively know a better way; they simply rely on female strengths to get their way. Following is a good example of how to get her way and keep him satisfied with her.

Developed into a habit with feminine qualities, the following actions can add pleasure to a relationship. The habit of predictable and pleasant behavior comforts a man, and a comfortable man is usually a satisfied man, at least for the moment or more.

SITUATION. They are married. He currently reads the paper, sits on the lawn mower, watches his favorite team on TV, or whatever. She knows he’s thinking about something other than affection, love, or intimacy unless sex is also involved and maybe not even then.

In the kitchen, sensing the uncomfortable return of an all too familiar negative moment, she finds deep need for a hug or kiss to confirm her importance. Or, to express her gratitude for him. Or, she just wants to tell him how she feels. Or, she seeks to reward him for pleasing her. Or, she just wants to share her love. For whatever reason and out of the blue, she needs a ‘fix’.

ACTION.  She goes and stands quietly next to him until he looks at her. She asks if she can enter HER cave for a short visit. On his affirmative, she plops in his lap and snuggles for her fix. She planned it before and she makes him laugh, somehow, before she rises.

ROUTINE. By making that her standard habit, she reinforces these matters each time she needs a fix:

  • He is neither interrupted nor surprised. He knows what to expect. Being able to predict what will likely happen confirms that he gets his way. It has a comforting side to it.
  • She gets her way by using feminine charm that makes him smile. She outwits him by doing things as he likes them, which he appreciates.
  • She confirms her respect by getting permission to enter her cave. She shows her dependence on him to provide her fix. Two of the more valuable expression of her gratitude she can make to convince him that she remains likeable and he chose correctly.
  • She gets her fix beneath the umbrella of his smile. Matching smiles do a lot to harmonize mutual likeability.
  • She leaves him laughing, which adds to her likeability, his comfort, and their fun of sharing affection.
  • He can learn to like affection and such interruptions, when she doses the situation liberally with those itemized bullets above and other feminine qualities that he admires.

After a few such episodes, he figures from her uplifting actions that he doesn’t doubt his kingpin role in her heart. Moreover, he concludes that she has both entertainment and comforting qualities not previously displayed and for which he can both admire and respect her. Taken together, those are satisfying thoughts about his wisdom for having proposed they marry.

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