Category Archives: sex differences

2801. Wifely Leadership — 11: As Women Lead Men — VI


Successful wives as relationship leaders initiate demands with subordinates and discussions with seniors to both set beliefs and change opinions. The following are more suggested examples worded quite differently from how readers would use them to fit their husbands and situations.

The following are some of the keys to unlock sensitive conditions that will likely arrive someday, and can be worked out with good discussions ahead of time. They are leadership opportunities for wife, and she talks here.

41. When both parents can give permission to children, kids learn to play one against the other. It’s natural and inspired by a child’s desire to get its way. But it plays havoc with my leadership when you unnecessarily substitute for or overrule me. Unless it’s not practical to reach me for permission, I ask that you defer and refer to me their questions seeking permission. To make yourself look good to them weakens my ability to raise them effectively into mature adults. How? Effectively having two bosses encourages them to spend non-productive time figuring out how to get something from you instead of earning it from me.

42. My ability to keep you satisfied depends on my success liking myself, who I am and what I’m doing. If I’m moaning, complaining, and generally in a state of confusion, it means I’ve lost the ability to like myself doing what I’m supposed to be doing. So, you play a major role in keeping me liking myself, and I appreciate it if you learn to read me more effectively.

43. Our differences make better marital glue than do our likenesses. But that’s a matter of opinion, and we can explore each other more adroitly if we discuss it.

44. Popularity is a hallmark among groups; personal competence is the hallmark among individuals. I much prefer the latter for our children. In the world of mature adults, competence outperforms popularity. It pays more too.

45. Women are born to be good; men are born capable of doing good. I must do good to be good. If I step on your toes trying to do good, forgive me until we can work out a suitable solution. Harmony in the home is my best way of doing good. I’m hopeful you will join me.

46. Women are famous for saying, I just want to be loved. Generally, men think about sex and whatever romance is required. They don’t know how extensive is the love women expect, so I will describe what usually works. Niceness, pleasantness, kindness, forgiveness, attention, affection, intimacy, support, respect in all the roles I fulfill, authority to make decisions, recognition of effort, praise for results.

47. Mother love is unconditional and mating love should be, but it’s not. Unconditional means no reasons arise that cause love to weaken. Weakened love turns conditional and depends on what you or I or someone else does. Unconditional mating love from me depends on unconditional respect from you.

The road to wifely leadership is paved with responsibility. Each family member knows clearly what they are responsible for, and they are held closely to that standard by the mom and wife. Examples: Husband’s job is his alone. He maintains the outside and wife maintains inside of the home. Girls are responsible to make themselves appear made up and pretty first thing each morning and help with breakfast. Boys are responsible for their rooms, tasks outside the home, and NOT to interfere with anyone else’s responsibility. No one goes topless at the dinner table, shirts required to eat her food. Many other chores and responsibilities exist and someone should assign each to one person, although several may do the same thing; e.g., table manners, help mom on request. However many ways wife can dissect the needs of operating a home satisfactorily for her husband, she should do so. And then rule over her domain with a loving but firm iron hand; see to it routinely that everyone does what he or she is supposed to do.

Wife and mom should start the process and make it habitual in toddler’s eyes, before they learn that peers don’t have to do such things.

This remains my favorite way to assign responsibility and supervise how well the parents are doing. Two roles for each but they have only one boss in each role. Wife reports to husband; she’s responsible to satisfy him with herself and their living together. Mom reports to herself as wife; she’s responsible to recognize that husband supervises wife and not her as mother. Father reports to mom as support and assistance for raising children; he’s primarily responsible for fun and entertainment with kids. Children report only to mother, and she’s responsible to ensure that kids have only one boss, herself.

There’s a great drawback. Women avoid assuming responsibility for fear of making mistakes. But you see, if they determine who’s responsible and supervise closely until habitual, they minimize mistakes. If she’s the boss, she decides just what are mistakes.

I close this series with a vital thought. The more powerful husband appears as ruler of his wife, the more powerful he appears to other family members. The less she calls on him for help or punishment of kids, the more powerful both parents appear as threats and thereby discourage disobedience.

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2799. Wifely Leadership — 09: As Women Lead Men — IV


Whether you lady readers are married or shacked up, you’re certain that you’ve generated and are managing a successful relationship. You’re not ready to change for fear of…? That’s okay, but there are greater pleasures out there for the wife willing to assert her leadership ability.

Responsibility determines who leads and who follows. That distinction also shapes what each family member believes and, consequently, their attitude.

Now, it’s easy for wives to claim, Oh, I could never do that, never bring up and talk about such subjects as those listed below. Yet, later she can fight deliberately when energized to cover her mistakes or blame or criticize husband’s wrong doing. The suggestions listed below aim to prevent arguments by reaching agreement ahead of time and shaping their attitudes to relate well together; it can prevent unproductive arguments and ill feelings that arise later.

Mastering the art of making one person responsible helps immensely when dealing with children; they benefit from having only one boss on matters that concern them directly. If husband goes along well with wife’s marital decisions, she must be doing almost everything right.

Here are more suggestions. Wife is written in first person, and husband in second.

21. Being the king, husbands find it desirable to wield their authority, demonstrate their privilege to rule, and let everyone know that they rule. The most effective way to convince others of their power, however, is to delegate authority such that they never have to use theirs. The threat is stronger than the use.

22. Husbands figure that foreplay is romance, so outside of bed romance is unnecessary. NOT! Romance confirms to a wife that she’s worthy and important to husband. As for us, you’re responsible to regularly romance me and foreplay is the promise of excitement to follow. If I’m not worth some romancing by you, I’m not worth much as a wife to me.

23. You’re due for some ‘time off for good behavior’. I hereby grant some time each week to spend with your buds. You determine but set a limit on your free time outside the home that both you can keep and I can rely on. You’re free to schedule it, whether golf, football, or whatever is in season. And I’m free to register disagreement for abuse of ‘privilege’. Empowered by God to pursue our self-interest, while living in this home however, self-interest is subordinate to family-interest unless mom rules otherwise. IOW, you can get what you want, but if you take advantage of me, I’m will speak loudly about my displeasure. It’s an enjoyable and even laughable thought, but I won’t cut you off.

24. I don’t deny your sexual urges, as long as you please me that way too. IOW you lead but also inherit the burden to make me happy about our sex together. If I’m not satisfied, and orgasm is never enough, it’s up to you to figure it out. I’m free to expect improvement without relying on blame, criticism, or even suggestion of what to do. Also, I don’t do kinky stuff.

25. As kingpin in our family, you’re the final authority on matters of morality and religion. If you wish to abdicate those concepts, I ask that you authorize me to guide the family in those directions, you excepted of course.

26. I’m responsible for the inside appearance of our home, but each child is responsible for their room, and you for any workspace you create. I know you’re not perfect, but tidiness generates a lot of wifely blessings.

27. You’re responsible to provide me with intimate confirmations of my importance and worth to you. Cuddling and sweet talk at bedtime works very well but by no means exclusively.

28. Trying to harmonize family life, I’m responsible to keep the home calm enough for all members to find balance and purpose. I will be demanding behavior different from the unsatisfactory. You’re no exception if you get out of bounds.

29. I hereby outlaw blame and imposing of guilt on others. Self-imposed guilt is okay.

30. If we can’t see where we’re headed, we won’t like it when we get there. I’m responsible to keep you informed of what I see ahead that will likely impact our life together.

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2797. Wifely Leadership — 07: As Women Lead Men — II


Men are not familiar with the sensitive side of women. Some dive head-first into marriage wrapped tightly in their own agenda, in which case they operate as husbands who largely ignore wifely sensitivities. Others wrapped less tightly are still not fully aware of what’s important to her. Only wife can make husband aware of what is important to her, and readers and I are headed there.

With more than three dozen suggestions, I advise wives how to initiate leadership by discussing and shaping mutual opinions about sensitive matters.

The rules for initiating discussions are posted at 2796, which also contains the first three initiatives in this series. Another rule: If and when he interrogates on any point, DO NOT give examples of what either of you has done in the past. Blame or criticism usually spurs ones to defend against the person, and cooperation wilts as competition sets in.

These are ideas and concepts to bring up and discuss wifely sensitivities and reduce the impact of problems anticipated by her. Neither perfection nor total agreement is the goal; informing husband and gaining more agreement about wife-sensitive issues is the objective. It’s vital that neither side be perceived as wrong in these discussions.

A wife needs to verbalize each item her own way. It needs to fit in with her marital arrangements without offending husband; otherwise he’ll go on the defensive and not cooperate.

Any wife is the ‘I’ who speaks here, and ‘you’ is her husband. To the extent wife initiates such discussions and husband cooperates, she succeeds as a marital leader. The suggestions continue.

4. I am aware that men presume to ‘own’ their woman. Is she worth owning, however, if she’s but a hollow shell —her spirit sucked out by lack of feedback of her importance and little or no appreciation of her diligence?

5. I am responsible to keep you satisfied living with me. In return for doing it, however, I expect an ROI, my return on investment, which may be little more than a frequent look in your eye that I’m an overall good gal. I accept whatever ROI you choose to provide. However, these things convince me better: thoughtfulness, pleasantness, attention, affection, intimate time together, backup of my leadership raising the kids, and strokes of admiration for keeping you satisfied that I do well. With those I sense fulfillment.

6. I am responsible to manage our marriage under your leadership. You take care of the bigger things, and I take care of the lesser. The objective is to satisfy you first. This arrangement may crumble, however, if either of us finds fault and pushes too hard on the other.

7. I’m the primary housekeeper, my efforts are well intentioned, and good intentions that fail are more worthy of your empathy than sympathy. Empathy means I could use some help. Sympathy means you’re sorry I got myself in a mess. Men are never more handsome than when they gently rescue a woman in a mess of her own making and don’t hold it against her.

8. Blame has no place in our home. We are both capable of finding satisfaction with each other without blame or criticism. If not, we need to practice. We need an agreeable method to expunge blame or criticism so that ill-feelings don’t develop.

9. We love differently. Women are open and above board, but men are not. Therefore, I receive your love indirectly and not nearly as cheery as my love is expressed more directly. I have but one way of measuring your love; it’s how devoted you act toward me. If I see it, I can live with it. If I don’t see it, I feel hollow inside.

10. Anger aimed at self is okay, aimed at someone else is not. How can we incorporate that and diminish expressions of anger in our family? Is it enough to count to ten?

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2796. Wifely Leadership — 06: As Wives Lead Husbands— I


Men know how to live their own lives, even after they marry. However, it’s the wife who brings them into a good life together with mutual satisfaction.

Women can read men but the opposite isn’t true. Oh, a man can acknowledge that his woman is upset or angry, but her inner feelings, subtle anxieties, and suppressed attitudes escape him. The mature woman tries to keep her deeper feelings to herself, but she faces situations that so easily hurt her. This series aims at making husband a better reader of her emotional conditions and more appreciative of what she needs to galvanize her mindset for more harmony in the home.

I am building a list of examples of how wives can communicate better, shape husband’s thinking to make her life easier, and arrange for husband to think more compatibly.

Wife doesn’t have to perform perfectly. She does best by preventing or eliminating challenges to her female sensibility, before they grow or emerge unexpectedly. She has only to keep him satisfied with who she is as the yolk and what she does with the egg white part of marriage.

In the course of courtship, engagement, and early marriage, I propose that wives purposely negotiate agreement on the many issues they face now and later. There are no right answers but this: Both parties agree to live up to the agreements they work out before the fact. Formally, I call it negotiation, but quite often it’s merely a way to exchange how each other feels about sensitive issues.

Wife anticipates issues arising that husband never can, regardless of his good intentions or promises. Unless she has an attitude soured by lack of respect for men, each wife has the ability to improve compatibility and brighten her future by informing hubby how to better read and interpret her.

I don’t do rules, but this time I must because I’m proposing simple exercises in communicating better. The purpose of what follows below is three-fold. 1) Teach husband how to read her better, 2) talk out the subject before or prevent blame or guilt arriving on the scene, 3) reach mutual understanding without promises.

Wives should follow these rules to keep discussions from rising to disagreement. The purpose is to inform and reach mutual understanding about how she operates or intends to conduct the affairs of home.

  • She bases all discussions on how the sexes differ, not how he or she is displeased with the other.
  • She neither blames nor criticizes during discussions.
  • She talks around rather than about current problems.
  • She accepts volunteered promises but neither requires nor expects fulfillment. (Promises pulled from someone are unreliable by nature; only those prompted by self without pressure can be relied upon and not always them either.)

She leads when she brings up discussion matters that pleasantly breed agreement without pressure, complaint, criticism, or blame. It’s the agreements by which they develop common mindsets and by which they will live in the future. Those below are just a few of what wives need to cover if they want to gain influence, lead affirmingly, get their way more often, and thereby make their relationship more compatible and successful.

The following are neither rules nor absolutes; they are ideas around which women lead when they initiate, discuss, and gain mutual agreement or at least understanding of both spouses. Each wife has to accept the context as valid and needful, and then phrase the content in her own words.

In these examples, she’s speaking and discussion is invited and likely follows (or she approached him poorly).

Could you initiate these talks with your husband? Do it respectfully, directly or indirectly? Could you stimulate understanding or work out agreements for each other? If you can, the following is a shipload of trade offs that breeds peace, pleasantness, and trustworthiness that serve as seeds of harmony in the home; love is simply never enough.

  1. It’s easier for men to respect than trust women. It’s easier for women to trust men than respect them. We both are responsible to make life easier. So, the more I trust you, the more I respect you. The more you respect me, the more you can trust me. It encourages us to live up to each other, which motivates us to be better individuals.
  2. Our marriage is no better than how we divide it into individual and mutual responsibilities and fulfill each to the satisfaction of each other. Example: You take care of the cars and outside of the house. I’ll take care of inside the house and raise our kids. My work ahead includes assigning responsibilities to myself and the children. You already know your responsibilities.
  3. I know you would never start something at which you expect to fail. It means you need to be responsible for our marriage or else you can’t prevent failure. Know this: I’m responsible to help you do that. You should let me know directly if I’m off track or singing in the wrong key that in anyway weakens your responsibility.

The list continues next. I request comments if you think these are impossible or impractical initiative for wives.

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2794. Wifely Leadership — 04: Men’s View Continues


Responsibility mutually agreed upon and respected is the key to marital success. Responsibility develops a person, and husbands and wives need to develop compatibly or the marriage won’t last. Mutually sharing responsibilities works best according to who’s closest to the subject and best able to make respectable decisions. It promotes mutual respect, facilitates peaceful resolutions, and produces acceptable but not always ideal decisions.

The early days of marriage amount to this. The shell forms when they marry. It hardens as husband continues doing what he considers his turf or duty. He continues responsible for his job, car, hobby, income, finances, recovery after work, entertainment, partial independence, and certain other matters and habits.

He doesn’t think about negotiating a different lifestyle with her. He just fits his previous lifestyle into the shell, expects to shave off the rough edges with his marital adjustments, and polishes it with the self-satisfaction earned living with her. Consequently, the shell is not free of his deep habits, and adjustments of his lifestyle aren’t a rebirth, as wives often anticipate. That’s for openers, as she pushes in all her chips of love and, being herself as always, expects it to be enough.

As the love-filled yolk, she brings along a multitude of dreams, intentions, expectations, and personal responsibilities. She expects to fulfill them with vigor. She also has baggage, but her pre-marital sincerity—if she played courtship fairly— minimizes surprises for husband.

He’s the shell, she’s the yolk. It’s who and what they are and for which each spouse will hold the other accountable as mate. Everything else makes up the egg white between his and her responsibilities. The white includes good and bad, tolerable and okay. Plus, it includes the unsettled and unsettling issues that bring disagreement, and dispute that morphs so easily into resentment.

If the egg white becomes a froth of competitive angst and surprise competition to get one’s own way, over time it dooms a marriage. I propose ways to stir less resentfully and avoid making an unpleasant froth, and it comes from wifely leadership and negotiating agreements before the misery of disagreement stirs ill feelings. IOW, she prevents anger and blame.

Until they find agreement on who’s responsible for what, they lack principles to live by. Principles that slow each from denigrating the other and automatically promote respect for each other. The absence of agreement to honor the other’s leadership is exactly what causes disrespect, irritations, and disputes that have a separating effect.

It’s natural that both spouses extend their tentacles of interest into the other’s arena of responsibility. Wife interferes with matters lodged in the shell and husband interferes with matters resident in the egg white. IOW, they distrust the way the other deals with matters of mutual interest. It’s natural but it’s also disrespectful, which is perhaps a minor incursion, but cumulative incursions threaten mutual likeability. Reduce the interference and it enhances compatibility. So, how to reduce the interference?

Women take the leading role in all relationships. Best done when they structure their personal and mutual interests into a compatible whole. The HOW of it is next, but first an unknown feature of the male nature.

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Attention, attention, attention. When he marries, he has no exceptions or criticisms to lodge against her as the yolk. Continuing as before, his devotion rules and the yolk is inviolate. She’s protected by his opinion of her as she was when he proposed.

He expects to live with who she was then, but she has female dreams to fulfill. With her personally being the most vital factor behind his commitment, if she changes against his expectation for her as mate, his focus shifts from the white to the yolk.

The shift puts too much attention on her, disrupts her freedom to operate as she wants, and gets him to questioning or evaluating her rather than what she does. Critical inquiries can weaken her likeability, stimulate his getting his way more often on issues in the white, and threaten continuing with her as his mate.

That describes the worst case scenario. Much slower implementing of her dreams, intentions, expectations, and fulfilling personal responsibilities serves to keep his interests away from the yolk and more gratefully focused on how well she stirs the white. It’s next.

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2793. Wifely Leadership — 03: As Men Enter Marriage


A man has three primal urges re marriage: Sex for the sake of conquest, work that provides satisfaction, and a woman with whom he shares his interest and is likely to find satisfaction with himself for doing what and with whom he’s doing it.

Men expect to be directly responsible for certain things; e.g., job, car, hobby, income, finances, daily recovery after work, entertainment, certain other matters and habits, plus some level of independence. In effect, he enables wife to handle everything else. It’s easy to model the masculine view, but it also turns off women until they realize what the feminine model looks like; it comes later.

Think of marriage as an egg in three parts. Husband is the shell. His personality, dominance, and direct responsibilities harden it against wife or anyone else cracking or destabilizing his sense of self-respect, self-worth, self-interest, self-image, and marital permanency.

Wife is the yolk; she’s well nestled, wrapped, and protected from outside intrusion, but the protective white surrounding her consists of a multitude of responsibilities that she’s expected to handle successfully. It’s one of God’s blessings; she protects herself best by fulfilling the responsibilities that both surround and worry her most. Things that also serve and protect husband from worrying about his marriage so that he can maximize opportunities and minimize threats outside the home.

Simplified, he owns both her and their marriage. He expects her to do what he can’t, which is to prevent squeaky wheels that require oil or grease, because he has no talent for lubricating relationships.

Except for caring for herself personally as the yolk, the egg white represents the other responsibilities she fulfills to keep husband satisfied with her. IOW, he married the yolk to keep the white fluffed into something very satisfying to him about her. Her performance depends on one thing outside herself, which is keeping him satisfied with himself that he was right to settle down with her.

And you say: No way would I assent to such a demeaning and potentially depressing role. To which I say, it only appears demeaning because it’s deliberately one sided. In the end, both the reality and practicality favor wives, unless they use the male view to accuse and blame men as enemies of women.

Wives can better understand how to get what they want out of a marriage with a  forthcoming article about the feminine way of looking at marriage and with the following truisms in mind:

  1. Wife and husband are in constant competition. Each wants their own way with the other, except as female love, her cooperative spirit, and manly devotion cause one to yield to the other.
  2. Women learn early in life that when they truly want to have their way with a man, cooperation works better than competition. Men won’t compete with a conquered woman and, if regularly pushed to do so after marriage, will seek to escape.
  3. She’s driven to be important to herself, he’s driven to admire his accomplishments. Cooperation nurtures both, whereas competition takes both off target.
  4. Men deal primarily in the present and husbands expect to get their way with present-day problems. Women focus primarily on the future and wives expect to get their way eventually.
  5. God created or Nature made us able to mate compatibly with the opposite sex. However, a woman’s love won’t win a man, and her sex won’t keep him. Wives have few options to sustain compatibility, unless they face the reality of the male nature and how men are motivated.
  6. Women face the reality of male dominance with the hope of defeating it. They can’t, but they are hugely endowed with ability to outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver his dominant spirit with wifely leadership. If women can’t win, they can harness competitors to produce what wives desire.
  7. Women are primarily processors and men are producers. Life and marriage are processes, which makes wives more qualified to govern a couple’s life together. Wives just need to learn how to master and overcome obstructions described in this model of how men view marriage. They have the ability but too often lack the incentive.
  8. Women are born inquisitive enough to want to understand men and how to treat them and thus minimize social and domestic hostility. Men are not talented that way; they can function successfully as mates and still proclaim, One can never understand a woman.

More of the man’s view of marriage is next. Following that, the woman’s role as wifely leader begins under this title, How Women View Marriage.

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2792. Wifely Leadership — 02: Her First Hurdle


NOTE: In the last post I said your puzzlement will clear beginning with next post, namely this one. However, it’s not to be, the clearer air I intended is delayed another day.

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Whatever a man believes is the starting point for his wife to indirectly exert her influence; aka wifely leadership. However, she can’t change him. She has to uncover new ways for him to think, accept, and value differently a multitude of problematic matters. She does it best when she anticipates what’s coming and influences him beforehand. She gets his buy-in to either her way or negotiated settlements aimed at avoiding damage from what she foresees coming down the marital pike. Her first hurdle, however, originates in the male nature.

Marriage has a surprise beginning. Women don’t recognize how to turn these mysterious factors to their advantage. When a man proposes marriage, the male nature imports five hidden concepts about which much is subliminal.

  1. Whatever it is, he believes his love is sufficient. Conquest proved that he owns her. Unless fully devoted to her beyond the normal, he acts no differently to please her requests for more attention, affection, support, etc.
  2. He believes her expressions of love will signal her satisfaction with him and continually confirm her likeability and loyalty to him.
  3. He believes his love of her is genuine as she is now, and he expects her not to change. His nature doesn’t allow him to love a woman different from the original without assessing her according to the seven conditions of masculine love: his respect of her, his devotion, her likeability, her loyalty, his likeability to her, his loyalty to her, and his conclusion that he loves her truly.
  4. He believes married life for him will be the continuation of his single life (but she expects him to change and he won’t). He meets his marital obligations to the extent his devotion to her keeps him satisfied with himself.
  5. His nature avoids doing anything at which he expects to fail. So, if he isn’t fully responsible for their marriage, he believes he’s not sufficiently in charge to prevent failure. Challenging his sense of full responsibility weakens his sense of duty, which discourages his motivational force to do what’s right for her.

When we do what we believe, we do what is right—for us at that moment. Wives can’t get their man to change. They can only influence his thinking—and do it indirectly and patiently—to look at life’s problems before they happen. Living primarily in the future more than the present, it’s a piece of cake for the future-oriented, planning-capable, well-intentioned wife dedicated to keeping husband responsible for marital success, aka no separation.

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