Category Archives: sex differences

2449. Male Dominance and Who Handles It: Part V


I continue to explain men to women. All goes pretty well except for getting women to understand the two male sex drives without them taking offense. Seemingly connected to feminist propaganda, their minds don’t want to open. The loudest complaint is that it’s unfair, men shouldn’t be that way, and they change the subject.

That isn’t the way to learn something new (of course they could be objecting to me personally). The result is that women forego their natural ability to deal with men successfully. So I keep trying to find simpler explanations, such as the following that also explains the primal need for male dominance.

The harder I try, the more complicated my writing and confused I become from lack of feedback that women understand it. Finally, I think I can describe where it all comes from, the root as it were. To me, it is now simple to explain, and I hope the following conveys the same result to you.

How we are designed as a species is critical to understanding men and women. It may be too deep background for this blog. However, it enables me to more clearly explain the male sex drive, which is critical to understanding male motivations successfully and managing relationships more pleasantly.

At the macro level of humanity, each sex is designed for compatibility in order to propagate the species. Men have two sex drives and women have two love drives. The primal purpose matches the strongest and weakest drives, one sex connected in common interest with one love.

The strongest love, mother love, matches up with the strongest male desire, which is to have sex with sexually attractive females. Spreading their seed—given the unpredictability of female ovulation—improves the odds of impregnation at the macro level. Mother love handles the results. But that isn’t enough to fulfill the primordial design, that humans won’t die out; unprotected children die too easily.

Each sex has a weaker drive too. Women love others; they are encouraged because it makes them happier when they do so. Men are strongly motivated to have access to sex but with a lesser but efficient urge to make it frequent and convenient. It motivates them to have a female nearby, which positions women to attract one to love and to help raise the children—permanently too, if possible, as the kids won’t be around forever.

Male dominance arises from that primordial root. It helps ensure enough conquests spread enough seed and serves later to do what’s necessary to have frequent and convenient sex. Women are born with their equivalent of male dominance, which is the ability to love develop, guide, and manage relationships, which better enables the handling of a mate in the raising and survival of children.

He wants to have a woman nearby. She wants to have extra protection for her children. So, why not mate? She has her love drive to connect with him, and I expect it arose from the female’s relationship expertise that marriage developed in order to more effectively seal a couple’s deal of raising children.

In the primordial sense, male dominance helps to both spread seed and protect children. While voluntary for men, finding long-range interest in a woman he has impregnated makes a man available to be kept nearby. Using her love drive, she can then expand on his ability to provide and produce in order to make their partnership more efficient and successful.

Consequently, because females may have no say about impregnation, one could say the primary motivation of women is to provide frequent and convenient sex so she can earn the support of a mate to help raise children to adulthood. All else is secondary or less.

However, it begs the question. Is sex enough to keep him with her? Women think her love should be adequate; she gives her all. However, the answer revolves around whether she can induce him to love her because to him she is unique, likeable, dependent on his dominance, and respectful of who he is and grateful for what he does. But that’s another story for another time.

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2448. Male Dominance and Who Handles It: Part IV


Female self-development  is continuous for life. Girls and women have a primal need for a brighter future, and so they focus on shaping tomorrow to match their wishes, intentions, and ambitions. They develop in response to that primal urge.

The present day happens much like they planned it yesterday. Both physically and mentally, they work at it 24/7. Their future isn’t bright enough, if they can do anything else today to improve or achieve more tomorrow. By tirelessly trying to be ahead in their game of life, they develop as smarter and more able to coach others.

Each woman is driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. She also wants help to handle weaknesses, disruptions, catastrophes, and loneliness. A man’s physical strength, mental determination, and drive to achieve best fit her hopes and needs. His natural dominance helps enable him in his helpful role, and so she in effect takes advantage of something she can resent later if she wants to.

Whereas men fear insignificance, a woman fears abandonment by those she endears, especially father and mate. Challenges to her mate’s dominant nature can lead to separation, which in her mind amounts to being left adrift, abandoned. And so, her greatest fear promotes respect of his dominant nature, which encourages her to find ways to use it. It’s natural to her development.

Each female is born pretty and knows it in her heart of hearts. However, prettiness is a belief easily denied and even lost if as a child she’s mistreated or convinced by others or even herself that she’s other than pretty. Nevertheless, she dreams of and longs for the guy who will call her beautiful. When a man’s thoughts run along that line, she accepts his dominance as just part of the deal of thinking her beautiful.

Women seek self-importance, which they earn by making themselves valuable to others. It’s an amazing paradox too. It doesn’t work to impress directly that she is important. Her self-importance improves by uplifting someone else with her gratitude for them, which adds to their worthiness, which returns to her indirectly as she’s important to them.

Recognizing her man’s dominance, such as by directly showing respect for who he is, helps settle their indirect negotiation of how much of his dominance is acceptable to her, which induces him to back off trying to prove it unnecessarily. IOW, acknowledging his dominant role adds to her importance, which advances her development for dealing with men or man.

More paradoxical for raising kids because each is also a self-developer, she indirectly adds to their importance by being grateful for who and what they are to her. Their gratitude then returns to her in the form of her importance to them.

Consequently, her path to happiness is first finding self-gratitude in who and what she is in her life, which enables her to be grateful for others and express it so that it returns to reinforce her sense of importance, which generates her happiness. Shortened for clarity, happiness flows from her gratefulness for herself and the people around her and things that add to or signify her importance (his dominant nature, obedient children, beautiful gown, jewelry gift, or new washer/dryer).

Driven by DNA or genes to try harder and not quit, women endlessly develop themselves. They can always do better. Born to be a good person, they do good and keep on trying. It confirms their goodness, importance, and adds to development maturity.

Their best contributions come from getting men to do good, for which men have only the ability and not the ambition until women teach them otherwise. As wife coaches husband to do good, he becomes better in her eyes, which adds to her importance and fulfills her primal ambition to do good and thereby prove her goodness. It may also reduce his inclination to have to impose and prove his dominance to her when they next disagree. Thus, benefits redound to her as she coaches hubby to do good things.

A woman senses this as a beneficial tradeoff: Wife yields dominance of the present to husband in order to solicit his support for her dominance of their future together. She doesn’t always succeed, but a default motivation stirs her to never stop trying to get her way, which fits her determination to be important, which advances her development to be good, which makes her a good woman, which men expect when they marry.

Those are some of the arguments I would make to explain why patriarchy has been around for seven or so millennia and the matriarchy dreams of feminists are wishful more than achievable.

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2446. Male Dominance and Who Handles It: Part II


Men instinctively live the dominant role, and women are left to live with it. In spirit, men strut, pound their chest, and expect to fight to prove their dominance or protect what they own as proof of their stature.

Most everyday signs of male dominance go unnoticed by the conscious mind. We’re all programmed that it’s just the way things are and our subconscious mind guides us into generally accepting it. We learn in childhood to live with it.

We also live without recognizing the superior role played by the other gender. Women possess a uniqueness that enables them to get their way by neutralizing male dominance. Oh, not the kind of superiority one notices, because it operates in background mode.

Women sense their superior ability but know better than to claim it, because it challenges men to prove claimants wrong. Actually and mostly learned in childhood, females develop habits of behavior that hide their superior relationship abilities from men. Doing so makes it unnecessary for men to protect and defend their dominance, which enables women to mostly ignore it. Thus, women neutralize male aggression outside the perception of men, who aren’t paying attention anyway—until their dominance is challenged, and women mostly know how to avoid it.

Women instinctively and intuitively exploit their relationship expertise. It enables and empowers each to brighten her future by building and sustaining a successful relationship with a man. It’s the purpose of female superiority, if one accepts the evidence of millennial history.

Thus, the sexes follow their own genetic and hormonal game plan. Their competitive self-development finally grows into mutual self-interest and they couple up as compatible mates. In fact, their self-development began soon after their conscious minds opened in the third year of life and they discovered they too were a person and soon after learned they are boy or girl.

Self-development, it’s next.

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2445. Male Dominance and Who Handles It: Part I


Depending on one’s belief, either God designs or evolution produces two specific genders. It matters not which belief is right; the end result is the same. One sex is dominant and the other superior. The battle of the sexes and marital compatibility spring from the difference.

We all learn by living and can easily conclude the male gender as dominant but not the female gender as superior. Men won’t admit it, and women keep quiet about their advantage. Disclosure produces disadvantage for women. Just the claim tampers with manly significance (aka ego) and stirs men to defend their turf at least with denial and perhaps with aggression and even violence against claimants.

The male sex claims physical superiority as ultimate right to dominate. The female gender quietly and discretely imposes the unique advantage it inherits at birth. Specifically, the ability to build, manage, and even restore relationships. It’s the relationship expertise that men lack.

Women, however, have problems with this principle about socializing with others. That person who has exclusive ability also inherits the responsibility for whatever happens. Thus, female expertise makes each woman responsible for relationship development and management, success and failure. Of course women object to that principle but another exists. If one doesn’t accept full responsibility, they lack the (self-assumed) authority to do the job well, which weakens self-confidence, which leads to unsolvable problems. Squabbles start the moment two people are responsible for the same thing, which is a cardinal principle of effective leadership. Consequently, by following her nature with a sense of empowerment for producing a good relationship, women exploit their superior expertise. The more she feels singularly responsible, the better relationship she will produce.

The feminine woman learns more easily than others to live with male dominance; it fits her persona because of other abilities. Whatever feminine women can’t live with, they learn to indirectly outwit, outsmart, and outmaneuver men in some way that makes their life tolerable or even blessed with unique female abilities. By doing so, it enables them to suppress aggression; make domestic peace normal; recruit masculine expertise to provide and protect women and children; generate compatibility with a mate; and pursue female hopes, dreams, and happiness found with a man who helps all along the way.

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2433. Journey to Feminine — Group 04


Unfortunately, contrary lessons learned in life often interfere and make relationships difficult and even unmanageable. Specifically, lessons that originate within Feminism, pop culture, and adultolescence (aka immature teen mind in a mature adult body). But there’s a better way open to women—reinvigorate their intentions and specialize at using the feminine side of their nature.

  1. Learn to twist undesired subjects to your advantage. Example: Date or boyfriend tries to talk about sex, you turn the subject to marriage. And do it every time until he learns better. Similarly, develop alternatives for other matters too sensitive for new guys. Delay till they earn it, in order to learn it.
  2. The concept of full-disclosure is OUT for feminine behavior. For reasons described in next item, guys should have to earn every tidbit of info they find out about you. You volunteer little or nothing personal. Answer questions honestly but no more than necessary to be courteous, more restrained than candid. (Alternatively, shift the spotlight and ask him: “How do you do those things?” and other inquiries that empower him to dominate conversations.)
  3. Femininity heightens a woman’s non-sexual attractiveness, and restraint and perhaps shyness elevates her to the buyer’s role. To her, men are sellers of themselves, which is accomplished by awaiting their displays of what they have to offer. The most promising suitor sells himself and becomes qualified for permanence with her, and she gets to choose. (And you say, heck, that doesn’t happen these days. You’re right, but feminine traits provide the most and best advantages to make it work that way for you.)
  4. Chastity is the ultimate expression of feminine to the male mind. It’s the best prod to energize the conquering sex drive of men and, therefore, the thing that works best to hold his attention and slowly earn his respect. (Men don’t respect people until they earn it, which is the effect that naturally accumulates from chastity, and which endows the feminine woman with her most influential persuader for energizing masculine pursuit.)
  5. A man can’t truly appreciate a woman unless he earns her. If he asks for her hand, he’s sold himself by investing himself to please both her and him. He won’t find her worthy if he doesn’t invest himself. Several reasons it works that way. 1) Men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. 2) If he doesn’t invest himself in pursuit, she’s not interesting enough and he won’t appreciate her sufficiently to stay around (except for conquest or conquered sex). His investment makes her worthy to him and desirable to keep her nearby—even chastely—as return on investment. 3) A major part of his investment is talking about himself. Braggadocio enlarges a man’s ego and convinces him that he’s chasing the right woman. At the moment he’s talking at least, any dolly deserves to learn of his significance; it’s his sales presentation.

Her Highness Cocoa dropped this encouraging note in my lap. “As I see it, [feminine women] will identify the shining star in the darkness of feminism.” More coming in the next post.

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2432. Conquest and Consequences


As Her Highness Tiffani reports it at 2430, modern women have twisted fact into fancy. They’ve lost any sane understanding of the consequences of a man’s conquest and romantic love.

Tiffani says, “My query is along the lines of romantic attraction and physical attraction fading once conquered. Does this apply to both genders?” No, not naturally. Women bond during sex but men don’t. Conquest frees a man to conquer elsewhere. Women lack that sex drive, except when they stupidly—if they want a good husband—fake it by acting like men to fit into the male-dominant pop culture.

Also, “This is pretty sobering, you know that modern society promotes that honeymoon phase of physical attraction/ romantic infatuation as THE ultimate reason to marry, the ultimate reason to pursue someone, and lack thereof as the reason to cheat, divorce, and not even consider someone for a connection.” If accurate, women are dumber dealing with men than I ever imagined.

Perhaps I can cast a more accurate light on conquest and its inevitable results. I shall describe it in steps that lead to conquest of her for sex or conquest of him for marriage. (This series elaborates on what follows below: Marriage Can Last.)

Single women face the following. Expect it to be an accurate model of manly behavior 80 percent of the time, which should enable them to more easily deal with men and avoid breakups that so easily devastate the female spirit.

  1. Men have two distinctly different sex drives. One for unconquered women, which prompts them to change to please a worthy woman in order to conquer. His changes generate greater interest and his actions to please her can rise to devotion. So, competitive spirit and denial works directly in her favor by eliciting female-friendly changes in a man. A man’s other sex drive is for conquered women, which doesn’t motivate men to be willing to change to please a woman. Thus, males are born distinctly different from females.
  2. A man sees an attractive woman and determines to have her for sex. Presuming he’s good enough for her, she hopes to conquer him for marriage. They begin a relationship.
  3. Somewhere along the line infatuation and lust dovetail into romantic love that becomes enhanced by more time together. It easily happens that way for a woman, but not so surely for a man. Depending on the low worth he detects in her for his life, he can disguise himself behind a façade that enhances his primal urge to conquer, which encourages him to move on to the next target.
  4. The more he tries and she refuses, the more his sex drive to conquer urges him to look for weakness to bed her. He remains motivated to keep looking until he gets her there—be that before or after marriage—or else he determines she’s not worth his fruitless attempts and heads for the exit.

The most sensitive aspects of her relationship expertise are required to anticipate and head off his desire to exit. Unfortunately, women see yielding as the way to avoid his departure, but it usually only prolongs the inevitable—he departs after conquest, because his initial decision was that she’s not worthy enough for him.

  1. Along their infatuated or romantic way, he determines her worth to him to be a keeper (worthy of him), booty (not worthy but okay), or disposable (not worthy). Of course it’s never disclosed truthfully to her; she finds out, however, if she yields before marriage. Millions or more women have figured they were keepers only to find out they weren’t worthy enough.

Which begs the question: How does she ensure that she’s worthy? Answer: The only way, she conquers him for marriage before he conquers her for sex.

  1. In between exploiting weaknesses that don’t make her yield, he uncovers and discovers—somewhat to his amazement that a woman could be so blessed—that she has qualities that he admires. Each admired quality becomes a virtue in his eyes. The longer he searches and fruitlessly exploits her weaknesses, the more virtues he uncovers; men want to marry a virtuous woman.

(It’s a satisfying thought and contribution to his sense of significance if he catches a good woman by outdoing his male competitors. He can admire himself with her on his arm. Next to their urge to conquer, men are motivated by need for self-admiration, satisfaction with their efforts, and significance that arises out of satisfactions that elicit pride.)

  1. The longer she refuses to yield, the more virtuous she grows, and the more deeply she can wrap him in her web of feminine charm. Until almost without notice, she becomes fascinating to him, he desires to be with her much of the time, and his actions to please her start the buildup of his devotion.
  2. As her fascination and his devotion grow, he sees that she holds promise for improving his present life. She can’t convince him of her promise with words; he has to conclude it by evaluating their actions together and imagining his plans after they bond legally. Unless he anticipates some change in his life, he doesn’t plan much about their future together. It’s her department.
  3. Throughout their relationship with her legs crossed, his respect for her grows. Men, being competitive by nature, appreciate and come to respect someone who successfully protects their greatest asset. Men do that routinely, and so it’s easy to respect it in women with their magnificent asset. (Yes, that’s the natural source of a man’s respect; that earned otherwise is a less stable kind.)
  4. Cradled within the foundation of respect of her, a man’s love can develop. Much different from female love, it develops slowly as infatuation and romantic love fade during the first couple of years. Romantic love developed previously as infatuation and lust morphed into greater respect for her and his ability to accept her as a prospect to be his woman.

(An exception exists. Men can fall in love at first sight. It’s characterized by his apparent devotion to her and only her from day one, as if he’s capable of worshiping her and it may well end up that way.)

  1. One of man’s greatest fears, a stab in the heart of his significance, is to be dumped by his woman. Consequently, his love is complex and slow to develop. His best preventive to being dumped is to see the following conditions before he commits to himself that he’s in love. She’s a likeable mate and he’s loyal to her; he’s a likeable mate and she’s loyal to him.

Of course women want to hear three little words, and men usually respond to please their woman; it’s a cheap way to calm her and her fears. But his words are not nearly as solid as his actions, which is why women hear I love you followed soon thereafter with a goodbye.

  1. It all ends here: She conquers him for marriage without yielding, and his hopefully ever growing respect of her floods their relationship with a permanence of love not available in other ways, except perhaps if he fell in love at first sight. Or, he conquers her without marriage, his respect for chastity stops growing and she drops into one of these barrels: Keeper, even though his respect never had sufficient time to fully develop. Booty, where his appreciation of her is worth his sexual attention when convenient. Or, disposable, where she’s left with puzzlement and grief that she could be so unexpectedly left behind.

Women are born to dream of love and marriage and long for the family that enables them to make themselves important to others. Knowing more and dealing better with the male sex drive to conquer is the best place to start.

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2430. Dear Edith Mcklveen


Your Highness, at 2428 you inspired this post. You made a marvelous comparison of the blog with your conclusions in real life. I respond here to contrast our conclusions.

Guy: Without change or comment, I present your background as mostly right-on conclusions.

Background: This all [about feminine] reinforces what has been said here in other ways. The realities of men, in terms of how they think and act, are not the realities of women.

What they value, what motivates them, what turns them on and off, what makes them hard-working and loyal or lazy and indifferent . . . they just aren’t the same.

Women who truly want a meaningful relationship with a man have to get over the idea that a man can be changed and trained to think and act and do exactly like a woman. Or that she can “get what she wants” by behaving like a man.

That said, I am convinced that the ideals of male/female compatibility cannot, in all cases, be achieved. In many instances, *both* men and women have to figure out how to deal with the reality that neither of them is a movie star or a billionaire.

For instance, I don’t have a shapely body with untarnished skin. I have bad posture from years of sitting at a desk doing data entry. I have a big belly due to years of being too tired and stressed after work to do exercise or plan and make a healthful meal. I have plenty of sun-damage around my eyes and mouth and on my hands.

Over the past year, I have, by the grace of God, managed to change a lot of habits so that I don’t eat junk food anymore, I exercise regularly, I get more sleep, and I have a better handle on work stress.

But I am not twenty. And if I get married anytime soon, my husband–who himself will not be a young stud–will see that I am certainly not a model. It has been suggested that women of a certain age and body size should find ways to create the, shall we say, impression, of bodily perfection, but when I think of a husband and wife coming together sexually, I keep harking back to the words in Genesis describing Adam and Eve before the Fall: they were (both) naked, and they were not ashamed.

Guy: Let the contrasts begin.

You: I think one of the weaknesses of this blog is that it sometimes creates the impression that a woman who wants a real, loving, respectful, devoted relationship with a man is doomed from the start if she isn’t A) physically perfect and B) isn’t psychologically armor-plated.

Guy: I promote neither, directly that is. Indirectly I imply that those conditions sure help women. More attractiveness energizes more men for conquest and armor plate enables women to hold them off, just as God designs us to do so that we propagate the species. I respond next to the A and B above.

A) If attractive to a man required perfection, men would never stop looking for something better. Once conquered, attractiveness fades and joins her other qualities admired as virtues. Hang a picture on the wall and a week later you won’t notice it; it works that way with female attractiveness. Conquest changes his view to the equivalent of hanging her attractiveness on the wall of his life. He owns her for sex, her attractiveness is conquered, and it no longer motivates him as it did before conquest. Consequently, he moves on to something else in life, other conquests or perhaps frequent and convenient sex if she’s a keeper or booty.

Unless she changes, that is. Then he notices. In fact today, it’s popular for women to change their physical appearance. Not just fat but even tattoos. Flab disturbs the eyes of bachelors and husbands alike. It doesn’t always cause marriages to terminate. But even without trying to conquer, single men turn up their noses at fat women and lesbians recruit them.

Not lack of perfection but unattractiveness that results from lack of female self-respect, personal pride, and self-image that a woman can be better and appear attractive albeit not perfect. Also contributing is lack of feminine respect for men and their eyes, which is fallout from Feminism that blames men for women’s problems.

B) Even from toddlerhood a female is psychologically armor-plated for her age. It flows out of how well she follows what’s in her heart, the way she was born. She knows her assets are too valuable to not protect them. As opposed to what others tell her or she adopts in response to lack of faith and self-confidence that emerges from living through a poor childhood. IOW, her armor is the result of using  free will, which is God-given. She has all she needs, but it’s useless if not used.

You: I am often left with the feeling that there is something wrong with me because I have the personality and experiences and age and body I have, that I am not a tiny Southern belle with a wasp waist and a whispery voice. So if I want a “real” relationship with a man, I have to be fake, the opposite of the woman God made me to be.

Guy: Fakery doesn’t work for the long haul. Your choices made you who and what you are out of what God designed, Nature endowed, and hormones energized throughout your life. God may have guided if you asked His help. Since you’re slightly short of being satisfied with who you are or what you have, did you invoke His guidance enough or just not confer enough?

You seem to be reaching for recovery, so I extend a few suggestions. First accept who and what you are at this time. Second, admit and forgive past mistakes. Third, determine to correct what you can. Fourth, accept that recovery is the best you can do, design what that is, and then do it. Self-honesty and self-forgiveness have a way of improving self-respect, self-worth, and hardening one’s thinking to produce what one pursues. Fifth, seek guidance from God for whatever is lacking.

You: I have reason to believe that almost until my father’s death at age 88, he and my mother had a very good sex life. Which means they *both* accepted each other’s increasing physical imperfections and found ways to support and encourage each other despite not being Venus and Adonis. [Guy: Nicely written item, Edith.]

Guy: Octogenarian orgasm exists. You can plan to make it part of your recovery. Lack of interest, minimal effort, and weakened agility work against it. As men age, they lose testosterone while women lose estrogen. The higher ratio of Big T to estrogen causes them to be hornier late in life. Men swing the other way. If an old man is inclined to please his woman, specializing in woman-pleasing love making instead of just intercourse can strengthen his ego and her pleasure.

Guy: Whoa! Too much in the next paragraph so I number and then respond to each point.

You: [1] This blog creates the impression at times that a man spends his life living a selfish fantasy in which his penis is the most important thing in the world, and [2] finding it a good home (or two or twenty) is more important than anything, and [3] if a woman says, “Hey, buddy, grow up a little,” [4] she will end up alone forever.

That can’t be true. That can’t be the only way.

Guy: Of course it’s not. The blog cites any number of highly respectful and respectable techniques, habits, and accommodations that preserve compatibility. The responses for the numbered items follow.

1) Not selfish but self-centered out of which natural motivation grows. Also, more dreams than fantasy. Little Willie is the most important to him only when hard, because God made him that way by providing his primary sexual urge to conquer attractive women, which is half of God’s design to propagate the species. (For details and the other half see the Marriage Can Last series at 2421.)

2) As long as he has an erection, he looks to use it. It’s his nature. If women don’t like it, they have one option. Capture and tame their man’s primal urges by persuading him that she exclusively holds the promise he seeks in a mate.

3) When she blames him for following his masculine nature, he rejects her judgment as unpromising for the present and especially his future.

4) The major emotional elements of a relationship such as respect, likeability, love, and sex do not hold relationships together. The glue is the absence of little irritants, blame, negative emotions, unappreciated actions, and disparaging comments.

You: I know a young couple that is having problems right now because she (a kick-ass example of all the womanly qualities admired in this blog) has borne her husband four children, is managing her household like a general, and is otherwise adding a brilliant polish to his family name. When she speaks of him, she always talks about his good qualities, how involved he is in the life of his kids . . .

Guy: Problems caused by her doing everything so wonderfully? Something else must be amiss.

You: But apparently, after doing all that, her thanks from him was a poorly timed and poorly expressed observation that she wasn’t attractive anymore because she was fat. And she is not happy. And they are not having sex. And they are in pastoral counseling.

Guy: She is unhappy for disappointing him? One or the other cuts off sex because she disappoints him? What does she expect? Men marry expecting her not to change but she does. Women marry expecting him to change but he doesn’t. She gains weight and he sees unattractiveness, which discourages him for sex. I describe the natural reasons for it in the series Sexual Attractiveness Fades Away at 2413-2414.

Counseling to do what? It sounds like she would seek his acceptance of her weight. Think that will work? See why men shy away from counseling? They are expected to change when it goes against their nature.

You: The husband works really hard to provide for his family, a physically demanding job with crazy hours, and the wife has always made it clear to others how much she values his hard work. [Guy: It sounds like salve applied to guilt for overeating.] She gives him time and space to unwind after work. He loves martial arts movies and also spends a lot of his free time trying to add pounds and muscle to a naturally thin, wiry runner’s frame.

Guy: As he tries to improve his body, she let’s hers go to pot. Her flab strikes his ego as unwanted, and so she praises him and his efforts hoping to compensate and gain his favor. When his wife appears as he expects her not to grow, signs of her respect and dependence disappear. Who’s to blame? The one trying to improve or the one being more highly motivated by taste buds? I’m against pointing the wicked finger of blame, but only the one responsible can correct a problem. To escape blame in a relationship, whoever declares “I’m responsible”  empowers themselves to take action. It seems this wife expects husband to either cure her overweight or forgive her signs of disrespect for the guy who is now denied the role of dominating their relationship.

You: He apparently has a fantasy about how he should be physically and about how his wife should be in order to set off his ninja manliness.

Guy: You call it fantasy, but men dream of what they want. It’s their dreams that jump start their ambitions and produce their accomplishments. She does not get to dominate the home and family until she acknowledges with actions that he dominates her, and that doesn’t come from showing such disrespect that he calls her unattractive.

You: My take on things is that she is doing everything right as presented in this blog. Yet things have been unsatisfying for a while. She is angry because his way of saying thanks for her 24/7 hard work is to tell her he doesn’t find her attractive anymore. He is angry because she can’t get over feeling shame and just “fix things” the way they used to be and give him his sexual fantasies.

Guy: She’s not doing everything right as claimed in the first line. She’s doing  more critical things wrong. For instance, she’s angry at him, unhappy with him, unrewarded for doing what she must figure is wifely duty, shamed by her overeating but blaming him for the end result, and seeks to fix things without restoring her bridal weight or even trying to get close. IOW, she blames him for all her problems and thereby evades any responsibility for correcting their situation.

He may yearn for sexual fantasies but that’s not what has turned him off. Men don’t marry for sex, but when it goes away he’s likely to follow.

You: I certainly understand how a situation like this can develop. Women want a women’s world, and men want a men’s world. It’s human selfishness expressed in different ways. And both people have to get over that selfishness to get from “me” to “we.”

Guy: The woman is the relationship expert. To blend the relationship from “me” to “us” is both her courtship and marital responsibility or it never gets done. Men don’t think in terms of ‘us’ any more than they do about relationship management.

Guy: I comment in caps within your next paragraph.

You: But the idea that it’s all on the women to make things better . . . and if they don’t do it all just right . . . they’ll lose . . . that’s undoubtedly me reading into things, [NO, YOU’RE READING IT RIGHT.] but I will never be able to give a man the fantasy of perfection and gentleness and submissiveness that he craves. [YOU DON’T HAVE TO. THOSE PERFECTIONS ARE NOT WHAT HE’S AFTER. YOU SEE IT THAT WAY BY MISREADING MEN AND THEIR MESSAGES.] I can give him respect and honor and be a cheerleading squad of sorts . . . [RESPECT IS EXPECTED, HONOR IS WELCOME, AND CHEERLEADING IS UNNECESSARY EXCEPT TO THE KIDS.] but I have no perky breasts, no shiny blonde hair, no tight butt, no helpless baby girl muscles [ALL UNNECESSARY BUT ALL PROBABLY APPRECIATED WHEN PRESENT], and no ability to overlook the fact that he loves his penis most of all . . . [ONLY WITH UNCONQUERED WOMEN. WITH THOSE CONQUERED, HE LOVES HER QUIET ACCEPTANCE OF HIS DOMINANCE PLUS FREQUENT SEX WHEN PRACTICABLE].

You: I have no clue how I, being a real, flawed human being, can be both real and vulnerable and open and yet also create the impression that I am the perfect lady/goddess/sex machine that men seem to secretly want (even though they themselves are not the semi-divine creatures they think they are).

Guy: To merge compatibly the interests of a real, flawed human with a semi-divine creature is the challenge of every good woman. Females are born to do it. Girls master the art voluntarily. She has to figure out what works for him and her. The blog is all about how men and women are born so they can do it.

You create a jumpstart when you trash all the blame, kill the trash-talk, and eliminate complaints by finding laughter and accommodation in mistakes.

You: I’m not a man, and I don’t want to be. Neither am I a lesbian, and I certainly don’t want to be. I want to have a real relationship with a real man who wants a real woman.

Guy: An answer lies with you becoming a better woman, and the blog has over a million words to point you in the right directions on virtually every subject. You won’t find rules. You have to figure out how to become a better, more attractive, more interesting woman and doing it sincerely and with determination. Or else you will come up short of what you seek. You can do it. You’re smart enough to cite all the problems herein. You need only accept responsibility for recovery amid your abilities and the virtues you find in Mr. Good Enough.

You: But in trying to learn the lessons of femininity my generation was largely denied, I just feel overwhelmed. I don’t see how I can learn them and still be the woman God made me to be.

Guy: Yes, you’re right about denial to your and many other generations. You learn by study, practice, and realizing that God intended you to make yourself in His image by doing it yourself while asking for his guidance when you need it.

I like and admire your writing. Keep it up; you make good sense interesting.

Respectfully,

Guy

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Filed under courtship, feminine, marriage, sex differences